Diamond Jubilee.

 It is now Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee, that is, 60 YRS on the throne (and no one has had this since Queen Victoria) and say what you will about Britain’s Royal family, but this is still quite an accomplishment! She became Queen in 1952 when she was 25 YRS old. Over a 4 day period now there’s a huge Jubilee party in London(I was there myself a few YRS ago and I liked the city but it was so expensive!!), from a 1000 boat flotilla down the Thames River, to fireworks, picnics in the park, massive crowds,a carriage procession, a concert, and an extended holiday, it certainly is a spectacular event!

Living in a Commonwealth nation there is extensive news coverage of it here as well,and although I don’t care for her either way( I’m indifferent)and she’s Britain’s Queen, not ours(just merely a figurehead and she’s on our money) it’s still pretty amazing that she’s been reigning now for 60 YRS and is something to be celebrated for sure,and boy, what a party!!


As well, they caught the psycho “body parts” killer in Berlin,and my 9 YR old quipped,”I guess HE’S Europe’s Most Wanted NOW!” referring to the tag-line of the movie “Madagascar 3” and I heard in India they’re having a heatwave, the worst since the late 1800’s, with temps 45 C to 50 C and people have died; I guess it’s good I’m NOT at the ashram,afterall(I was originally to have been there now until the end of June!) as I would just DIE in that heat! (here we think it’s hot at 30C!) and I hate it my legs are so fat I can’t wear zip-up boots,and I noticed all of a sudden my upper stomach area’s really swollen and fat(and I’ve been extra tired lately, too) so I wonder if my gallbladder’s maybe inflamed now? Surgery’s in just 2 more days as well and they’ll be calling me sometime today or tomorrow to tell me what time I have to be at the hospital but I would guess around 7-8 am….

Ashram Day.

 Today was originally the day I WAS to be on my way to India, to stay at the ashram for a month. I should have been on the plane right now, in fact, on a 14 HR journey and instead here I am at home, typing away at my computer! The past 7 months since I’d originally planned the vacation have gone by quickly though.

I was hoping for an exotic, relaxing, inexpensive, spiritual vacation but then as I looked more into it I found out they were charging for everything separate and extra, nickel and diming me as it were, and it all added up to be more expensive than I thought. They even charged for each towel you use after a shower, metered the electricity you use, each food item is priced separately, etc. and it all just got to not to be worth it so I cancelled. As it turned out, my gallbladder surgery is exactly a week today as well(my cousin asked if I was nervous too, but it’ll be my 4th surgery so I know what to expect,and besides, what do I care, I’ll be asleep!) so I wouldn’t have been able to go anyway but it’s kind of sad to think I ordinarily would have been on my way now, and now I’m not.

As well, the pool guys haven’t come all week, as it turns out they had to order the tiles from USA and they had some dumb holiday Monday so the order was delayed and this whole week was wasted. At this rate we’ll never be able to re-open the pool, and the weed wacker hates me; it NEVER works for me! My hubby has to start it(like the lawn mower) as I’m not strong enough, but within a couple of minutes it either shuts off, the wire/string thingy disappears somewhere, or the grass gets wrapped and twisted around the thing and it won’t work! I give up!!

The neighbour across the street also hasn’t been staying at his place overnight for awhile lately(yes, I know, watching the neighbours, but it’s so boring here there’s nothing else to do so this is our “entertainment”) and my mother speculates that he’s staying at some skanky ho’s place overnight (his wife and kids live out of town)whereas I assume he just got a new job and works the night shift. That’s the difference between us; she always tries to see the worst in people and I give them the benefit of the doubt, and my hubby was loudly vaccuming as I was watching the news and I told him,”If you were considerate you wouldn’t be doing that when I’m trying to watch!” and he snarled,”If YOU were considerate you wouldn’t skip thru so much(commercials and loser redneck sports) of it!” and I told him,”THAT’S what the mute, pause and fast-forward buttons are FOR!” I also got excited hearing about the stupid hockey finals as I thought it was finally over…but it’s STILL going on, hijacking all the channels and it’s been MONTHS! When will  this crap finally be OVER and we get our channels and shows back? I’m so sick of seeing and hearing about it all the time and I never want to see or hear about it ever again! NOT everyone cares! ENOUGH already! Geez! Weird as well: the power went off for a couple of minutes and then went back on and it wasn’t storming or anything…

Redneck Night.

 Last night was Redneck Night at BOTH Cubs and Cadets; loser bowling AND sports night; and nothing says “redneck” like bowling and sports; it was a real yee-haw hoe-down(the only thing this hick town is capable of),and the only thing even more low-class is hockey and wrestling!My hubby also watches redneck hockey when I’m in bed and sneered,”That’s when the REAL fun begins!” and says about me muting loser sports on the news,”THAT’S why I don’t like watching TV with you!” and I told HIM,” and I hate it that YOU’RE a redneck!” He’s so uncouth and uncultured too(he was brought up in a barn!) that he doesn’t even have the courtesy to use the deoderizing spray after he goes to the bathroom,either ,and thinks everyone likes his shit smell! He’s an inconsiderate disgusting PIG.I hate him.

My hubby also always makes fun of me and thinks I’m dumb because I don’t understand how to use a cell phone(it’s too complicated for me) and is condescending all the time to me and talks “down” to me about EVERYTHING: “What part of(insert topic here) DON’T you understand?”(and says he’s “tired of always having to explain everything” to me) and I reply,”What part of I’m NOT too smart, have Asperger’s, and  need things to be explained several times do YOU not understand?”He’s such a prick and I’m just so miserably unhappy but I can’t live on my own,either, so I’m just trapped. I wish I knew what to do. I wish there was another option.My heart just hurts and aches so much I’m surprised you can’t literally die of a broken,lonely, shattered heart.

One of my former highschools also had a big fire,and now I know why it didn’t work out about me going to the ashram in India like I had planned: I was to be gone all of June and now my surgery’s going to be in June and maybe if I had waited longer my gallbladder might have ruptured by then? I also checked out(just for fun) the cost of gallbladder removal surgery in USA and it was a whopping 30 000$ to 50 000$! I flipped! We could never afford that,and if we lived there I’d just have to suffer and hope it doesn’t rupture, and our now 14 YR old would have died when he had leukemia 7 yRS ago as well as we couldn’t have afforded his treatment, either! How can people possibly AFFORD that? I saw somewhere that about half of Americans DON’T have health insurance coverage either and it’s just NOT right that people have to DIE because they can’t afford medical care or surgery! It’s like in a Third World country, and medical care is a basic human right,and as much as this country still does suck,at least we DO have medical care for everyone, regardless of income!

The surgeon’s office also called and said my soon-to-be new family doc’s office rejected the fax(of my file) he sent them, saying I’m not her patient….even though they’d told US I will be once they open in May and that it’ll still be ok for him to send the fax in the meantime,so we called them again but they never answered and never called back. They are SO unprofessional and unreliable. I think we’ll just have to forget it and start all over again looking for another doctor.We’ll contact the gov’t health agency that referred me and have them refer me to someone else. This is just ridiculous.

I’m just so tired of my life,my unhappiness, my misery, my everything. We can never have things just be ok and there’s been so many hurts, traumas, stresses,tragedies, betrayals,(even a reality show wouldn’t believe it!) etc. that I’ve never shared on this blog(or with anybody);secrets so dark, so deep,that no one outside of the family even knows about that shook our lives, destroyed our ability to ever trust or to feel safe again,turned our world upside-down,forever changed,and scarred us,and life as we once knew it was over and will never be the same again. Some scars are so deep that they can never heal.

It’s Official.

 It’s official. I told the people at the ashram that I won’t be going afterall. The final “straw” was when they said for me to get drinks I’d have to walk 15 min. to the store. Now, with my breathing problem I can’t even walk 10 minutes here to church(my hubby has to drive) so can you IMAGINE doing so in 42 C heat? I’d pass out! I can easily drink 3-4 litres a day in the heat as well and it’s just not do-able.

I feel like I failed yet again. Yet another plan of mine that didn’t work out. My hubby said it sounds like they’re “nickeling and diming me to death” and that about says it all. Everything was extra, and not incl. and the costs just kept going up.I have no more plans, hopes, dreams, or goals for the future anymore now(since nothing works out anyway) and I guess now I’ll just have to limit myself to looking forward to “small” things instead, such as snow, Christmas,and summer. It feels like I’m just waiting to die, nothing else left to do.

Changed My Mind.

 After much thought I have decided that I changed my mind and that I won’t be going to the ashram in India afterall; it just won’t work; there are just so many extra costs, expenses and add-ons that end up costing too much and piling up, esp. considering I won’t be getting enough food or drinks and won’t even have a towel to dry off after my shower. What I originally thought was a fairly inexpensive trip ended up costing alot more(and logistics that just won’t work for me) as I had to pay for everything separately when at first I thought it was all incl. in the cost. It’s also daunting to be there all on my own so I figured it’s best all things considered I don’t go afterall.

Yet another of my hopes,plans,and dreams that didn’t work out. Something else I failed at, didn’t achieve,that fell thru,and that I looked forward to and didn’t work out. Big surprise.My hubby didn’t think I could do it on my own anyway; no one has any faith in me and it’s almost like he doesn’t want me to be happy.Things just don’t work for me,period. My life is a constant let-down and disappointment.

I’ll look into a cruise to Asia later perhaps that incl. India. I’ll still have a break and get away, but I won’t starve or be dehydrated and I’ll have clean towels for my shower. It might end up costing the same(although for 14-16 days instead of a month) but at least I’ll have what I need.I won’t be sick, lost, stranded, etc. and I can use my credit  card and not have the concerns I had here.I’m used to cruises anyway.

Now I have no more hopes, plans or goals for the future either; I originally thought I’d move to the ashram in Toronto but that didn’t work either.So now I have nothing. All I have left now is basically just waiting to die. Who am I kidding? I’m not going anywhere. I’m just stuck here until I die; I’ll never leave.There’s no more hope for anything else now.Why plan or hope for anything anyway when it never ends up happening anyway and I just end up crushed?


 The ashram co-ordinator told me after bathing they use a gamsa to dry off, a thin cloth,but that laundering towels is NOT incl.; that they provide 2 towels and I have to pay 50 cents a piece for them to be washed  so I have to forget about it and just air-dry after a shower then, as I’ll be there a month and that’ll cost 15$ just to wash ONE towel daily, not incl. any other clothes(I’ll just hand-wash my underwear in the sink and hang to dry) so I’ll just have to air-dry and be all wet and chilled.I’m worried they don’t supply bed linens now either…it never ends. What next? Any more surprises?It’s already all adding up as it is….

They also told me drinks are also NOT incl. with meals(have to pay for everything separately) but can buy a litre of fruit juice for 2,50$ but I’d need to easily drink 3-4 litres a DAY in the heat, increasing my costs once again, otherwise get dehydrated, and doesn’t look like I’ll get enough food either and end up sick and maybe even in the hospital. It’s very discouraging and I’m losing hope, yet another of my plans that didn’t work, and maybe I should just forget about it and not even go? It’s getting too complicated and expensive(already up to 3000$ not even incl. drinks, visa, overnight hotel, airport pick ups, and travel insurance)and so many extras and added expenses keep on coming up that I didn’t count on, plan, budget, or afford,and what I originally thought was a fairly inexpensive trip is now ending up to be expensive.It didn’t work out about staying at the Toronto ashram and it’s not looking good for this one in India,either; yet another failure. I’m so sick of my life; nothing ever works out for me or goes right  and I look forward to things and get excited and have hope and always end up disappointed and let down because it never works out.Fuck.

There will likely be some problem with the ATM as well knowing my “luck”: it won’t work, it’ll eat my card or reject it, I won’t have access, etc. and I won’t be able to get any $$$$ or buy food or anything else and end up stranded and be so thirsty and desperate that I’ll be drinking the water as I have my shower…and end up with typhoid or cholera or something!  My mother’s mad it’s looking less and less likely all the  time that I won’t be able to go and she hissed, “Stop worrying and just GO!” as she wants me out of here and wouldn’t care if I GOT sick or died; then she’d be rid of me for good and just wants me gone!

I wonder if maybe I AM in over my head and maybe it’s NOT as do-able as I thought and hoped? Is it just more of my typical bad luck, or is it difficult now but will eventually work out in the end, or is it just not meant to be and how do I know? If airfare ends up 3000$-4000$ or something outrageous too then for sure I’m not going. I also heard getting a visa is a hassle(and so for me then even MORE so)  and I really and truly think that I’m just NOT meant to BE happy  or have things ever go right.I’m so tired of always being let down, disappointed, failing at everything, unhappy and having so much always working against me all the time. It’s very defeating. Maybe it would be too daunting all on my own though too; what if I DID get sick? hurt? robbed? lost?cheated? in the hospital? no money? stranded? Not able to get what I need? etc. and there’s no one to help me? Is this God’s way of telling me I shouldn’t go or just something else that didn’t work out for me as always?

The more I think about it, it’s probably not a good idea with all these roadblocks,added costs and expenses, set-backs, Spartan living conditions( not enough food or drink and not even able to dry myself after a shower), having to pay for everything separately, concerns about ATM’s and $$$, etc. just keep piling up and it’s so discouraging. Nothing goes easy for me and everything always has to be so complicated and difficult. I still do WANT to go but it’s just not looking too likely anymore; yet another plan I have to give up on that didn’t work out. Everything’s always such a problem for me and I’m so mad and fed up. When will it ever end? A friend of mine says my expectations are too high…but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to be fed up when originally I was under the impression everything was incl. for the 75$ a week and then find out it’s all extra and ends up costing way more $$$ than I was lead to believe. I’m also sick of  things never working out and always being disappointed and having my plans dashed.

As if things weren’t already shitty enough my mother also bought a pack of ear plugs and of course when she got home noticed the package was empty; someone had stolen them. This is why whenever I buy anything I always check the package/item in the store BEFOREHAND  to make sure it’s in there and the right size, colour, if anything’s missing, etc. because I KNOW I’m that person that always ends up with the defective one, and most times it IS and I have to get another one. I hate it that we ALWAYS get the shit of everything and get the shaft in life.

As well, the 4th contractor we called who said he’d come and do the insurance repairs never came,either, and I wonder if they can somehow “sense” and know we’re “cursed” and stay away and won’t come near the house? Is that why no one shows up?We likely will end up not even having any insurance coverage at ALL as it won’t be re-approved without the repairs and re-newal is due in just 2 more months and we’re running out of time! We’ve been trying to get someone to do it for the past 6 MONTHS but no luck.

Like I said, NOTHING ever works or goes right for us and I’m sick of it! Even when things LOOK hopeful something will always happen to ruin, or cancel, it.For me not only is there no gold at the end of the rainbow….I don’t even have the rainbow.

ATM Machines in India.

 Things finally seem to be falling into place for my ashram trip. I was worried about how they don’t take credit cards(it seems to be as they don’t all take the “chips” and are just starting to switch over) and I have to get $$$$ from ATM machines which I’ve never used(I’m dense that way) but I have a friend who lives in India and she said if you have a major credit card you can access the ATM’s and that they have them everywhere all over India(so not a hard thing to find) and I Google searched and found there’s 6 of them in the Delhi airport alone and that the village I’ll be staying at even has 7 of them!

Today we also got our new “upgraded” credit cards in the mail, the new ones with the “chips” embedded in them(the ones before didn’t have it; you just “swipe” the magnetic strip  side) and as it turns out these new ones can ALSO now  be used at the ATM to withdraw $$$ as well as using it as a credit card; I just need a PIN number! So, once I get that, my hubby will take me to a machine here and I can practice. Everyone says it’s easy but easy for THEM doesn’t necessarily mean easy for ME….

It’s as if God has all this pre-planned, that they switch over to these new cards, the same cards I’ll need for the ATM, and that it all happens at this time. At least I can breathe a sigh of relief about the $$$. Oh, and I also found out apparantly it’s illegal(they consider it to be “smuggling”) to bring Rupees IN or out of the country, so I’ll have to get some when I arrive at the airport and then every few days as needed while saying at the ashram and they said they have a guard at each ATM as well which is reassuring I won’t get robbed!

Spiritual Fat Farm?

 I was e-mailing the temple manager at the ashram and was told they serve 2 small meals a day consisting of rice, lentils, veggies,and flat bread. It costs 50 rupees( 1.25$) each. They also have a restaurant where I can get another meal for around 6$. It will be like a spiritual fat farm almost; eating so little, but the good of it is I’ll likely lose 40 pounds the month I’m there! They didn’t say if drinks are incl. though or if they’re extra too; already the 60$ I originally thought was my food budget has shot up to 300$! Shit.

More and more expenses keep being added on and I worry I won’t have enough $$$. My mother snickered if I don’t then she’ll even take out a loan and I can pay her back as she’s so eager to get me out of here. They also said I can use my credit card to pay for the apt. and the electric bill for it but everything else has to be in rupees(cash) and suggested I can use an ATM, but the problem with that is I’ve never used one of those in my LIFE; I’m not good with machines and technical things(It’s a miracle I can even use the computer, actually!) and they don’t work for me.They are also way too complicated for me and I get confused, can’t understand it, get all flustered and frustrated and can’t understand the instructions. I tried Interac once and at the retailer’s it was always rejected and said I didn’t have the $$$$ which I DID and it was sooo embarrassing, so I gave up on that.I also tried a $$$ exchange machine on a cruise ship and it never worked for me. I tried it over 6 times and it kept shooting my $$$ back  out yet when the guy in line behind me tried it, it worked for him. Figures. I just use my credit card everywhere I go, so I guess I’ll have to just bring rupees WITH me to pay for everything; I just hope I don’t get robbed! My hubby makes fun of me too for not being able to do everyday things like ATM’s,banking, taxes, etc. and taunts me because I have trouble learning new things.

They also said a guy comes and takes your laundry and does it for you and returns it in 24 HRS but it costs extra TOO; 15 rupees(about 30 cents) for each piece, so I think what I’ll do is just hand-wash my underwear and T-shirts(I wear under my sari) in the sink and hang them to dry and just leave the rest to do for when I get home. I always have to choose the cheapest options to save $$$.In my budget I totally even forgot about the expenses of insurance and overnight hotels if I leave for really early morning flight or return really late at night and so may have to forgo those added expenses….

My expenses are as follows for the 4 week stay:

300$ for the apartment

100$ for electric(so they told me anyway; it may be more or less)

300$ food

100$ airport taxi(2 ways) in New Delhi

200$ airport taxi here(both ways)

1500$ airfare.

…so that’s a grand total of 2500$ and I only had budgeted 3000$ in total,and that doesn’t even incl. insurance,visa, tours, hotel or spending $$$. I could cut corners and save $$$ by having my hubby drop me off and pick me up at the airport instead of hiring a ride but it’s a 2 HR drive each way so he won’t do it.Yet, I really need this, it’s something I need and want to do, and so I’ll find a way to make it work and to get the $$$. Already as it is I’m saving up every single cent. There just always seems to be so many extra expenses and road blocks that keep popping up to complicate things, but for me nothing ever  comes “easy”. If there has to be a more difficult way, complications, or problems of any sort, it will ALWAYS happen to me. I’m unlucky like that. Nothing can ever just go smoothly, without hassles or struggles. I have to fight for everything.

Ashram Update.

 I have a booking confirmed for the ashram in India from 1-28 June next year.Now we can start working on the airfare and visa.They told me the cost is 300$ for the apartment for the month, 100$ for electricity, 60$ for food, and 100$(50$ each way) for airport taxi, plus my other expenses I have to add on such as airfare,visa fee, local tours and any  spending $$$.

I don’t quite understand though the facilitator said food can cost 2$ a day “with intelligent planning.” What exactly does he MEAN by that? I also am not sure if they charge for food per item, per meal, daily,weekly, and if I have to pay for each meal or each day by rupees or if I have a bill tallied up at the end I can charge to my credit card. I need to know since I need to know how much to budget and how many rupees I need to bring. I also have a big appetite and eat alot so I’m wondering how expensive the food will end up being, so just to be safe I’ll budget doubling the cost he said(so 120$ instead of 60$) just  in case as it’s better than not having enough $$$. I think I’m annoying him with all my questions as well but I need to know what to expect and to prepare accordingly.He said I should ask the temple manager about the food for more info so I asked him to send me his e-mail address.This is the only issue I am left unsure about.

I am looking forward to my trip and it’s multi-purpose: I have a spiritual retreat, I visit an exotic place, I do charity work( they distribute food in schools to needy kids)and I get away for awhile and have a break from the stresses of life,so all in all it’s exactly what I need and what I’m looking for, and a much less price than the cruises I normally take! I wonder if I’ll see an elephant there?

It’s ALWAYS Something…..

 I’d sent another e-mail to the ashram for more details and it took a few days to get a reply. Then I was informed that June would not be a good time to come as it’s the “off-season”; the period in India of stifling heat and that it would be best to come in Feb-March which’s too soon(takes awhile to get a visa, plus I want to book way in advance to get a better airfare deal) plus I have to get a new passport in Dec, and it’s a bad time to travel with the bad winters. I was under the impression it was shut down entirely and then  decided to go instead October next YR(which is good in the sense I’d be away all of Oct. and NOT have to see and hear about occult Hallowe’en everywhere I go all the time) so I’d still get to go, just a bit later instead, but misunderstood….

Further e-mails back and forth it was clarified it still was up and running(meals provided and temple programs and classes) just not as many people, so they still booked me for June and said due to it being off-peak I would likely have the entire apt. to myself(normally 2 people share the 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apt.) which for me is fine; the less people the better. They said the 75$/WK was just for the room, and that food, and electricity(on meter and they said is expensive, just like here) are all extra and I panicked it would end up costing more than I thought(or even worse, more than I can afford) but then reasoned they originally said it would be 450$ for the 4 weeks, and if food was, say, 25$ a week and then another 50$ over the 4 weeks for electricity it would still end up the 450$ like they originally said. NOTHING can ever just be simple, or go smoothly or easily for me. Everything is always confusing and hard for me to understand.Roadblocks always seem to come my way. Even my 16 YR old snickered to me, “I don’t know why I even bother talking to you; you’re so stupid!”

So now it looks like I’ll be back to going in June afterall; just waiting  for more confirmation EXACTLY how much I should expect to pay(and if there will be any more “extra” charges or things that aren’t included) so I’ll know how much I need, how much to save up,and how to budget what my expenses will be so there won’t be any “surprises.”(I’ll also need to save for airport rides, insurance , an overnight hotel,and spending $$$) For me there’s always something….

As well, later today is our 13 YR old’s annual app’t with the oncologist to check his blood to see if there’s any indication that the cancer might be back and this time I’m really scared that it might be: he feels sick, and is achy and has either low platelet marks or rug burns(they look the same) on his back and it’s gotten worse today than it was yesterday,and I am terrified he might be relapsing although I hope and pray it’s something else and has another perfectly harmless other explanation, like a virus and perhaps wrestling with his brother to cause the marks? Needless to say I am really anxious and worried(and will find out for sure soon) but he mocks me that I “over-react” about nothing, but him possibly having cancer back again IS something to be concerned about and we don’t exactly have the best “luck” and bad things always keep happening to us at an alarming frequency, and I can’t take any more…I have come to expect the worst…I can’t even imagine going thru that nightmare ever again!