Mr. Scarecrow.

Screenshot_380 3 of the kids ( the 23 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old) walked down to the fall festival in town. They had a pancake breakfast and made a scarecrow, seen here. (The oldest always says scarecrows are his  favourite ” animal). They named him Mr. Scarecrow (how original!) He’s a special, unique,and unusual scarecrow though; he doesn’t have a stick up his ass like most others do, as he’s laid-back, relaxed and low-key and not uptight. He’s also an indoor scarecrow; he doesn’t want to live outside where he can get wet from the rain, be exposed to the elements, or risk being stolen. (I wanted to borrow him and put him up on the balcony for fall decor but they wouldn’t let me) He’s also afraid of crows. We have a special-needs scarecrow.

Only at our house. Only in our family.

As well, Buddy’s eye lump is getting smaller, and the 17 YR old bought this really incredibly soft blanket and Buddy just loves it and lays on it, snuggling in and when my hubby tried to take him off it he was barking like crazy, telling him off, like saying, F*ck you! Get lost! Leave me alone! I’ll have to get him a new nice soft blanket of his very own for a Christmas present. I also thought I saw what looked like a dick under a chair and thought someone’s dick fell off (and I told my hubby to check his pants) but it turned out it was a sausage of some kind or something.I was also washing my hair and had soap in my eyes and my eyes were closed so I couldn’t see and I bent over and when I stood up I whacked my head hard on the doorknob. Holy shit, did that ever hurt….it even made a loud thud! sound that echoed. Oh, great, even more brain damage now and I’ll be even dumber than I already was before. I’m such a fop and so clumsy. Apparantly it’s common with Asperger’s to be a klutz.

Smile!

Screenshot_337 I have decided I will to embark on The Smile Project. I am going to consciously make an effort to try hard to smile. It doesn’t come naturally for me and it’s something I hardly do. I usually have this sour, dour, stone-cold blank stare sort of look on my face, which I guess basically just reflects how I feel. My expression shows my mood, which in turn, shows what my life has done to me and how it makes me feel. It’s hard, actually, for me to smile, takes a real effort on my part, and is something I have to remind myself, tell myself, and make a conscious effort to do. It doesn’t come naturally for me like it does for most people, I assume due to my Asperger’s.That, plus all the SHIT in my life that broke me and beat me down so I no longer have a reason to smile anymore.

I know smiling is attractive to people, it brightens your face, is more inviting, makes you appear more friendly, confident, approachable, agreeable, happy, cheerful, inviting, receptive, warm, open, cheerful, fun, etc. and if you don’t smile or are stone-faced or scowling, it is seen as “defensive” in a way and turns people away, so I am now going to try and smile, and often, but it’s really hard because it’s not something I normally do or that comes naturally and I have to always remind myself and force it and it feels so weird, so fake, so unnatural, so phony, so forced, and it makes me feel very self-conscious, and I wonder how goofy it must look and like Can I really pull this off or do I just look like the Joker?  Whenever I try to smile it looks like more like some sort of sarcastic smirk .It’s also very difficult for me to smile as in order to do so I’d have to make eye contact and look directly into the person’s face,too, which makes me very uncomfortable with my Social Phobia and I tend to shy away and look down, away, or at the floor but not directly at the person, which makes me very nervous, panicky, and uneasy. The idea is I smile, feel more confident, smile more, gain more confidence…

BuddyToe This is also the stubby-nubby what’s left of poor Buddy’s toe/thumb. Now what you see here is a tip of bone of a stump attached to flesh.The rest of the toe and the entire nail are gone. Yummy, huh? Now for a joke I call him Stubby or Stumpy. He licks it frequently, keeping it clean, and there’s a healing property in dog saliva too that disinfects and dogs seem to have a way of knowing how to take care of themselves. I had a nightmare as well that he told me he has a tumour behind his eye and he’s dying soon and that’s what’s causing the lumps under his eye.  I hope NOT in real life!! The 11 YR old was also mad at me and to be hurtful he yelled at me he’ll kill Buddy.  That kid seriously is disturbed.though. I also keep having recurring dreams my ex-friend J is dead now,too.

File this under WORD OF THE DAY: This is my new fave word now: phlegmon. It defines as an infected area within a tissue less defined than an abcess. I just love the sound of that word; it’s sort of like phlegm. I wonder too if maybe it’s eeven an absess that’s the trouble under Buddy’s eye,too? My hubby and kids were being obnoxious, cold-hearted, and awful yesterday as well, celebrating 9/11, having a party, playing games, incl. Jenga, which is like a tall tower that collapses, making innapropriate and disrespectful comments and “jokes”, very crass, wrong, insensitive, appalling, and that crossed the line. I told them how awful they were and it would be good if I had died on 9/11 and then they’d really have something to be happy and celebrate about and then they actually wouldn’t be able to have their annual  Happy 9/11! day because everyone else would think they were celebrating the anniversary of my death,too, and would know that they are insensive crude assholes,celebrating the anniversay of when their mother died, and maybe also then as well they would know how the families of the victims of 9/11 felt at losing their loved-ones,too, although if I died they wouldn’t even care though; no one would miss me. The only one that would even care is my dog.

Yakking And Nattering.

Screenshot_191 Both my hubby and my mother have insulting terms for my talking. Every time I open my mouth and speak they always refer to it in a negative and derogatory way. He always refers to it as yakking and she always calls it nattering. I think it’s very mean and disrespectful how they always put me down like that and devalue anything and everything that I have to say, whenever I speak, my opinions on anything and everything, every time I open my mouth to speak, whenever any words come out of my mouth, every time I say anything, etc. they always have to have some nasty put-down comment. I’m never “allowed” to just ever talk, voice my opinion, interject into a conversation, speak, be heard, say anything, criticize anything, include myself, or comment about anything in any way without being it dismissed as yakking and nattering. So what they’re basically saying is anything I say, all my speech, any words out of my mouth, is nothing just irritating, annoying, grating noise.

My hubby also likes to specialize in making me look dumb, foolish, inept, wrong, silly, and laughable in front of and to other people and will always say something to put me down, to prove me wrong, to make me look like an idiot, to point out my flaws, etc. in front of other people, and even get them to join in if they’re up for it, otherwise they just say nothing, but I’m always left feeling shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, angry, and picked on. I remember this time as well we went to see a notary for something, a guy from church, and he was just like my hubby and he looked at him and goes(about me) Does she ever stop talking? and my hubby said No, it’s always like this…… and they proceeded to tear me down and I just felt so small and wanted to disappear. I could feel my face turn hot and red, my jaw trembling, trying to hold back the tears of humiliation. I felt like a naughty, scolded child.

I know I do talk alot, but I also know it has to do with my Asperger’s and bipolar. I also know that when I get nervous I tend to prattle on and it’s a common trait of Asperger’s to repeat yourself as well. The thing is, though, that I’m not the only one that’s talkative; other people are as well, incl. in my own family, yet I’m the only one that ever gets hassled and put down for it. No one else talking ever gets called yakking or nattering, just me. It’s also a commonly known fact that most women are known for being talkative, or at least compared to their male counterparts. No one ever wants to hear what I have to say and they’re always trying to shut me up. It feels like anything I have to say doesn’t matter, it isn’t important, no one cares, so what, no one wants to hear it, so just shut up and go away because no one cares about you or what you have to say anyway. They’re always trying to silence me; to erase me.

The Wrong Tree.

Screenshot_1183  I was outside and I saw 2 squirrels sitting in a tree, a black squirrel and a grey one and the grey one I didn’t even notice at first as he almost blended in completely with the tree; he was camoflauged, but the black squirrel stuck out and was really noticable and I remember saying to myself how he doesn’t blend in…. and then I thought about it for a minute and then re-phrased it, He’s just in the wrong tree.It’s not that he doesn’t blend in. In the right tree he’d blend in. If the tree had dark brown bark instead of grey-ish he would have been hidden. It got me thinking: it all depends on how you look at it,and it also reminded me that I’m like that squirrel in life.(and my tree would be a rose-gold glittery palm tree.)

I have never blended in, been the same as other people,don’t fit in, and have always stood out, been different, been an outcast, the odd one out, the one that doesn’t belong, the one that doesn’t blend in and I always thought it was me but maybe there’s nothing wrong with me( other than the obvious, that is) maybe I’m just in the wrong tree? I just have to find the right people, the right group, my Clan, my Tribe, my People, my fit, my niche, my Home, my team, my squad, my comrades, my place where they’re the same as me and we can all relate….like how I did at the YMCA group in Ottawa in the late 80’s, the only time I ever felt accepted, welcomed, part of the group, fit in, liked, and belonged. I found it once, maybe I can find it again? I just have to find other fellow-minded people that are also shiny, glittery, off-beat,crazy-ass,free spirit, sunflower, hippo people like me….

Screenshot_1185 My cut sunflowers have also opened up, and I was outside with Buddy and heard a gunshot so we came inside and Buddy just bolted up and ran in like a bat out of hell, and I knew it was a gunshot too and not fireworks as there was just the one bang! and no echo, unlike fireworks which always come with an echo, more like a boom! boom! My hubby in cleaning and packing up prepping to move is also throwing out lots of stuff, incl. other people’s things and he doesn’t even look and check or ask to see if they even want it thrown out or if they want to keep it; he just chucks it out,and I’ve rescued a few things from the garbage and I tell him not everything has to be thrown out and we are allowed to keep some things,and he kept tossing out the Shel Silverstein books I love too and I had to keep fishing them out for garbage and I finally just ended up hiding them. Books should never be thrown out( or burned) though but always kept or donated so that someone will always be able to love and enjoy them.

Screenshot_1186 This is also my sad pathetic, wilted and last sunflower, on it’s last legs yet I still won’t give up on it. I’m determined to “resurrect” it and have it perk up. I still faithfully keep watering it and every day I go outside I bring it out with me and sit it in the sun and then bring it back inside later in the day so the squirrels and raccoons won’t ruin it. I keep putting hope, love, time, and effort into it hoping eventually it will pay off and I’ll eventually get a nice sunflower in the end, despite all the set- backs. It reminds me of me and my life. I could be that sunflower: despite all the set-backs,hardships, teetering on the edge. losing hope, trials and barely holding on, some days it looks like it’s starting to perk up and other days it’s almost dead, and even on days it’s looking particularly haggard , wilted,and weary it still holds on, endures, survives,and lives on, and with hope and care, maybe it can make it one day? Just like me. We just need time,love,care,hope, and the right conditions to blossom.  Sometimes though, despite our best efforts trying to hold on, the outside environment is just too hostile and we can’t withstand the storm or survive the elements and we wither away and die.

I also notice as well that I’m increasingly having trouble distinguishing between reality and imagination/ fantasy and being able to tell if something’s real or not or if I just imagined it, dreamed it, or if it was a hallucination, and my hallucinations are increasing in frequency as as well, both visual and auditory, and the paranoia is getting worse as well, as well as increasing anxiety and it’s hard struggling when you can’t even trust your own mind and you can feel yourself losing your grip on reality and spiraling down the slippery slope of insanity being lost in the haze of mental illness, feeling it carrying you off, helpless to escape it and I don’t know if it’s due to my white matter deterioration or just my Asperger’s, bipolar,and depression, or maybe some of each?

Both my mother and I have such bad memories and are so forgetful as well we’re like a TV comedy sitcom about senile old folks. I hadn’t remembered if she’d put the suntan oil on my back or not( I can’t reach back there myself and need a hand) so I asked her if she did it yet or not and she didn’t remember either and goes, I must have done it…..don’t you remember? and then I told her, I don’t remember….and if you did do it, don’t you remember doing it? and she said she didn’t remember,either, and then I reasoned, Well, is my back all shiny? If it is, then the oil’s been put on, so she looked and said it was,and the tanning oil had been put back in the cupboard, so I guess she did. We have days like this, moments like this, and conversations like this all the time. I think I’m losing my mind.

Too.

Screenshot_1180

It really worries me that I’m :

Too ugly,

Too dumb,

Too old,

Too fat,

Too unlovable,

Too worthless,

Too messed-up,

Too damaged,

Too much of a failure,

Too broken,

Too crazy

and

it’s too late,

For me to find love.

To be loved.

To be happy.

To find redemption.

To find peace.

To be free.

For my dreams to still come true.

 

 

As well, as the girls were getting ready to walk to church in the morning( I go later in the evening) I heard my hubby whisper to them, I’ll meet you at the corner, as he was going in the van to go out somewhere, indicating that they were just pretending to walk to church for my benefit but really he was going to drive them somewhere else and of course when I confronted him he denied it but I know what they’re up to, being sneaky and deceptive; I’m not that stupid, faking going to church, and besides, I know that trick; my friend J used to do the same thing Sunday mornings when we were in Jr. High; her mother would think she walked to church but in actual fact she was really hanging out over at my house and the $$$ she gave her for the offering she actually spent on candy at the corner store. It’s bad enough they’re skipping church, but lying and sneaking around makes it even worse. Maybe I should just have them come the same time as me so I can see with my own eyes to make sure that they’re really actually there?

My hubby was also fixing the dishwasher and he blocked access from the kitchen to the backdoor and I couldn’t squeeze thru and couldn’t figure out how to get outside the back door and thought I was trapped when he said to just go around the other way, thru the play room, like how Buddy did, but I never even thought of that. The dog is smarter than I am, but with my Asperger’s brain it doesn’t work like that. My brain can only think in one way and not find other alternative solutions if my usual way is blocked for some reason, or as my mother puts it, I can’t do problem solving. So my “solution: was to just try to squeeze thru but it never occurred to me that there might be another way to access it by going another way. In my mind I didn’t even think of by-passing the kitchen and getting thru the back door by the play room as I always go thru the kitchen so that’s my routine and I see it as the only way and in my mind I think why would I go thru the play room when I ‘m not going in the play room. My brain just doesn’t work like other people’s does. It doesn’t think the same way or compute the same way. It’s like I have a chip missing or something, or wires crossed, or short-circuited. Life is hard when you’re stupid.

 

 

Mind If I Smoke?

BurnedDishwasher I had a load of dishes washing in the dishwasher and I was out in the backyard and when I came inside into the kitchen it smelled really bad, really smoky like someone had been smoking in there. It smelled like smoke and fire, really strong, and it was coming from the dishwasher. The 23 YR old said it was so bad that he could even smell up 3 floors up in his room. I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to smell like that(esp. since it didn’t used to before) and I called my hubby to come in and check it out, to smell the smell before it all evaporated away, but he didn’t bother but I know something’s wrong( and it didn’t finish the cycle and dry,either; the dishes were still all wet, and that’s where the heat comes in, so my guess is it short-circuited somewhere and shut itself off) and I’m afraid it might catch fire, and we already had one  fire at our old house back in 1996(an electrical fire) and we certainly don’t ever need another one, plus it would also complicate us trying to sell the house and move! I’m scared to use it again and don’t think we should but my mother refuses to have anyone wash dishes by hand again( we’ve had the dishwasher for years but it was broken; the mice had chewed thru the wires but my hubby recently fixed it) and still wants to try again but I’m scared it’ll catch fire and don’t think it’s safe and I don’t think we should use it anymore.

Yesterday one of the kids also turned 17 and I can still remember when I was 17 and it doesn’t feel like that long ago, and the chili I had for dinner was NOT good for my IBS as the abdomenal cramps, pain,  and gas were back and really bad all day and I had to shit like 8 times,too, and now my poor arsehole is on fire, so my guess is the gas from the beans, and I still have that headache I had yesterday as well where I have this stabbing pain behind my left eye(must be sinus?), and only one sole survivor is left of my original 6 sunflower seedlings now, but it looks healthy and strong so I hope it makes it thru and I planted more seeds, because, why not, but I’m keeping them indoors in the windowsill.

I also tricked the 11 YR old and told him that hello in Italian is merda (I’m a bad mom, ha,ha!) and I must have been overly-enthusiastic  as well as I somehow broke my vibrator! I didn’t even know that was possible! I’m an animal!! The rubber outer “skin” came off so now it’s just the shiny metal underneath that’s exposed now. I must have really put it thru a work-out, and at first I thought it had actually broken in half! I’m so depraved! As for moving soon, I am glad to finally be leaving this redneck hick town I’ve never liked and to be going back to a city, but I do like the house though and I am going to still miss it.It’s been my home for the past 15 years and change is really hard for someone with Asperger’s.

Metaphors Of Life.

windPalms The wind. When I was out in the sun tanning earlier in the day a strong wind came by and it was chillier in the morning and the wind made it colder and it bothered me and I wanted it to stop, yet later on as the sun got hotter the cool strong breeze was a welcome relief and I was glad for it and then the thought occurred to me: the wind was still the same, only the way I was looking at it had changed; it was still the same strong cool wind it was before, only my perspective had changed and I saw it differently even though it was still the same thing it now affected me differently and it got me thinking about trying to apply that concept in life in general: not in all cases, of course, esp. the more extreme ones, but in some circumstances, can simply changing one’s perspective, the way you look at a situation and react to it, make all the difference between something happening in your life being a good thing or a bad thing?  It is what it is, but the way you react and respond to it changes everything?

Like with my hubby losing his job, for instance. We see it as a bad thing; what will we do for $$$$, how are we going to pay the bills, what about drug coverage,do we have to move, etc… but maybe if we try and look at it in another way it’s not so bad; maybe instead it’s just a time of change, of growth, of opportunity, or perhaps even to force us into a necessary change according to God’s plan that we wouldn’t have ordinarily done otherwise and we needed a push? Maybe this is the beginning of a new career path or opportunity for him, perhaps, the incentive we need to move, to downsize, or maybe even my opportunity to  break free of my toxic family and start a new life separate from them? Maybe this is an answer to my prayers of getting out of this toxic environment; perhaps if my hubby moves elsewhere and we stay here, for example, or if the family separates into two separate units and ends up living in two different places, etc…. who knows? Perhaps this will lead my hubby to an even better job elsewhere that he wouldn’t have had otherwise if he hadn’t have lost this one? Instead of it being an end, perhaps it’s a new beginning? Maybe it’s time for change?Maybe what feels stressful and uncertain now will end up being an improvement and blessing later?

I’m going to try this. The wind is like a metaphor of life. It got me thinking if I just try and change my perception that if maybe things can be seen differently, in a different light, from another angle, approached from a different way, viewed from another lens, from another point of view, a different perspective, it might help. This will be very difficult for me though I know as with my Asperger’s I am very rigid in my thinking and I can only  ever think one way or come up with one option as opposed to having more than one solution or way of seeing things and I see things in black and white but I’m going to give it a try. This realization was very enlightening. Instead of trying to change what it is, try and change the way I see it; like the wind; it stayed windy the entire day, that never changed, but what was at one time seen as unwanted and annoying was just shortly later welcomed and appreciated. It hadn’t changed, but the way I was looking at it had.