F*ck.

Screenshot_994 F*ck, I’m feeling really, really shitty now. My abdomenal pain is so bad now I’d rate it a solid 8 out of 10 on the pain scale, plus I also have bad cramps, the bad sore back(as always), tired, swollen, achy legs(and so bloated I look like a Puffer fish) and I feel nauseated and sick and just so…..ugh…. I’m bleeding a bit again,too, and I don’t know whether or not it’s a bit of Aunt Flow (which I last had in early June) even though I seem to be in menopause now, or more abnormal bleeding, and yesterday it was so bad and I felt so sick I practically slept most of the day and I took a Tramadol; I still have 5 or so left I keep saved for an emergency; when the pain gets so bad I can’t bear it anymore. I have it pretty much daily now, it’s a constant thing, but some days are better, others worse,now it’s gotten to a point where it’s just a daily chronic thing, and I couldn’t even go to church yesterday I was in such bad shape; I know there’s no way I could stand, or even sit, that long,and my mother said, You know it must be bad if you don’t even go to church!

I also tried to have a nap I feel so crappy, and Buddy came up and joined me, burrowing under the blankets, snuggling in next to me,keeping me company, keeping an eye on me, and he was extra whiny and pawing at me,too, like he knows I don’t feel well, only I couldn’t sleep as I kept hearing what sounded like some asshole on a roof really close by, hammering and sawing, making a huge racket…I just wanted to strangle the f*cker with his extension cord…. and as it turned out it was my hubby, right out on our veranda, right below me on the balcony, putting up the Christmas lights! The Tramadol didn’t do shit, either for the pain, and I’d really be surprised if it’s not cancer actually, and really feel in my heart that it is…..

The 15 and 17 YR olds were also planning on taking the train up to Ottawa just the 2 of them at the end of the month to visit the 19 YR old for a few days over a weekend and hang out, visit, go shopping, etc. and they were really excited and looking forward to it too and planned it for awhile and now the 19 YR old cancelled out on them; she has to work, which I think is a really shitty thing to do; she knows it means so much to them; she should have just told her boss she has family coming in from out of town and requested those days off. The 15 YR old shrugged, Plans change… but I could tell that she was really disappointed. That really sucks.The 24 YR old also said that the average guy has to either have sex or jerk-off 1-3 times a day,too, so guys are even more depraved than I thought they were(and whenever I say guys are perverts the 15 YR old always accuses me of stereotyping….but it’s true……they are!) and if that’s true then my hubby must be getting it somewhere then because he hasn’t touched me in 12 years…..

Dognapped!

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Last night My Boy was kidnapped! The 17 YR old said she’s been hearing mice in her room during the night scurrying around and it freaks her out and keeps her awake at night so she decided to “kidnap” Buddy out of my room(where he sleeps) during the night to catch the mice in her room. So, she(along with the help of the 15 YR old and my hubby) decided to try and sneak him out of my room during the night once I fell asleep. Their original attempt didn’t go so well; there’s no way he’d ever allow anyone to remove him physically while he was guarding me as I slept, plus I also had fallen asleep with my arm around him and he wouldn’t let anyone take him away from me without a fight, and at the very least he’d bark and growl and I’d wake up, so they had to get out the Big Guns and lure him away instead of trying to grab him.That’s dirty pool!! My hubby used the annoying squeaker that he knows he hates and blew on that….and he came charging out of my room, following the sound….and then they grabbed him and locked him in her room!

I later woke up not too long after, realized he was gone, and let him stay for awhile, realizing what they were doing, and opened up my bedroom door(which they had closed, I guess so I wouldn’t notice anything) so he could come back when he wanted….except they’d locked him in her room, but when I got up again at 5 am to go pee and I noticed he was still  gone I was like, OK, enough is enough, I’m going to get my dog and bring him back where he belongs,  so I picked the lock in seconds (because extractions are one of my specialties from my past; don’t ask why) and he was laying across the foot of her bed and he must have heard me as he didn’t bark and  his head had perked up and when he saw me his tail started wildly thumping and I picked him up and brought him back into my room with me where we snuggled in bed for another hour or so. His right eye(I  think the same eye that had the lump under it before) is swollen now as well, and it’s on the same side as his missing toe so maybe he hit it on the coffee table when he fell down the other day and it’s the dog equivalent of a black eye, or maybe it’s an insect bite, esp. as I did also see a wasp near him the other day and heard him yelp….

hippos10 My friend W (in Ottawa) also told me he saw hippo home decor (such as the one pictured here) at his Wal-Mart and he suggested I go to their site online and look….and  low and behold, there it was, and on sale, too, reduced from 21$ down to 15$ so I ordered it….

hippos11 along with this cool hippo mug as well. I don’t drink tea or coffee  but I can use it for other stuff,too, such as hot chocolate( in the winter) or to store pens and pencils in. Odd though is that they don’t deliver. They deliver to the closest Wal-Mart and I have to go to the store and pick it up, but they don’t deliver it to my house. I thought that was kind of weird. Just like when we first moved here we had to share taxis. I’d never seen that before. I also got a letter in the mail from the neurologist in Kingston informing me that my app’t the end of November has been changed to early November…..but the thing is I didn’t even knowhad that app’t! No one ever told me (he didn’t mail me a letter with the app’t date like he usually does) so it’s good it was switched otherwise I’d never have known.

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The 23 YR old also made some $$$$$ doing odd jobs so he went out and bought some new clothes, incl. the ones here. I think he looks like a pimp, ha, ha(and no, he’s NOT GAY in case you were wondering; he had a long-term GF for YRS). I like and admire his expressive style though and encourage it,being unique, just as long as it’s not against God ( such as girls’ not too short or revealing or any occult symbols,Goth, or anything like that) I just hope he doesn’t get beat up by some dumb redneck or something ! He’s always been a ham,too; a funny guy and a jokester as well as one of my faves. He’s one of the three I’ve always been closest to, at least when they were younger, but now none of them love me anymore. 😦

It was weird as well I was laying down and I felt like something was literally turning  around and churning in my belly but it wasn’t my stomach; it was lower down, in my abdomen, and it actually felt like when you’re prego and you can feel the baby kick for the first time and if I wasn’t 51, in menopause, and haven’t been laid in 12 years (since I got prego with the youngest) I’d even wonder if I was prego, esp. since my other symptoms are the same as while prego,too, incl. extreme fatigue, ravenous hunger, really sore lower back, no Aunt Flow in 14 weeks or so, nausea, headaches, weight gain… even though the absent period is due to menopause and the hunger and weight gain either because of my heavy weed use( ha,ha!) or side-effects of my medications,or maybe it’s the way it is with menopause… but in any case, my doctor ordered a pelvic ultrasound ( finally!) next month to try and find out the cause of my abdomenal pain which I still have on and off. Maybe my colon’s twisting or blocking or something, or the inflamed sacs are even popping or something?

 

Guys! Wait Up!!

Screenshot_180 I remember calling out breathlessly, Guys! Wait up!! as I ran after my friends as a kid, straggling along behind, trailing along, unable to keep up, out of breath(with my breathing problem) as they raced on ahead, faster than me, walking bigger, longer strides, and I was always winded and struggled to keep pace, and ended up falling behind, and that Guys! Wait up!! was probably one of my most-used pleas  and most often-used words of my childhood, and it made me think about wildlife in their natural habitat and how the smaller, younger or older and weaker and sickly ones in the herd always get separated from the herd as they struggle to keep out and fall behind, only to become an easy target for a predator, waiting for one to become separated from the herd. 

That’s me. I’m the weakest link in the herd, the one that’s always trailing last, straggling along behind the others, unable to keep pace, falling behind, can’t keep up, the vulnerable one, the weak one,  the lone one off on it’s own,  the runt, the separate one,  the one that’s singled out and targeted for attack, the one the predator snatches up. In life I’m that same breathless kid yelling out to my friends to wait for me because I can’t keep up with them(and even now when I go to the mall with my family walking they’re always so far ahead of me I can’t keep in step and I’m always trailing along far behind), or the weakest member of the herd that can’t keep up and falls so far behind, alone and defenceless, and becomes separated, falling easy prey to attack.

Screenshot_183 After it must be 12 or 13 days now (I’ve lost count) something like that my epic bruise is finally healing up! I thought it would never go away! The second-oldest is also visiting a few days before she moves to Vancouver, and my mother thought that the movie Crazy Rich Asians was called Those Crazy Asians. I just face-palmed, shook my head in disbelief and walked away. Sometimes there are just no words. Tomorrow it will be a glorious 12 weeks (which is 3 months!) since I last had Aunt Flow,too, so I hope it’s finally ended and I’m in menopause at last…I also know that this was a hallucination as well: I “heard” a little girl say to me tauntingly in a sing-song voice, You’re going to DIE today!

 

Home.

Screenshot_1040 While I was out walking Buddy he’d stopped in front of the house to sniff something in the grass and to pee on the fire hydrant and as we waited I looked up at the house and a wave of emotion came over me and I thought, This is my home. This is where I belong. I don’t want to live somewhere else. I don’t want to move. Even though I’ve never liked the town I do like the house and I’ve settled in here and I really don’t want to leave, esp. the backyard, my bedroom,and the livingroom. Those are my fave. spots in the house, but if we do end up having to still move afterall I hope at least that I love the new house too and enough so that I don’t miss this one too much. I also hope for “extras” such as a clawfoot tub and French doors like I had at our old Toronto house. The photo here I took sitting on the front veranda looking out onto the street, also another place I like to be, sitting in the shade.

Screenshot_1041 The pool’s also clearing up nicely now as well, and I’m surprised so fast! Hopefully maybe it will be ready to use in time for when our relatives come visit on the weekend! We dumped something like 8 jugs of “shock” (liquid chlorine) into it . I also re-dyed my hair platinum blonde again and it’s so short I have to cut it every 1-2 weeks and dye it every 3 weeks and my mother had her MRI yesterday as well to try and find the source of her back pain she had earlier but if it’s something like a virus or nerve pain nothing will show up on the scan and on the weekend it will be 7 weeks since I’ve last had Aunt Flow,too, so I’m hoping that menopause has finally come and I won’t be getting it anymore and last month the cramps were off the chart but I hardly had any flow,and my friend A(from Ottawa) and his wife had their first baby the other day; a girl, and they were in the hospital for 2 days,too, but when I had my last baby I went home after just 4 hours, so I wonder if they’re keeping them in longer now?

Doubled-Over.

Screenshot_975 This is the position I’m to be found in all day due to my acute abdomenal pain. It’s so bad I can’t stand up straight and have to be hunched over with my hands clutching my abdomen. I also can’t sit up or lay on my stomach the pain is so bad(which is a problem since I can only sleep on my stomach!) and every time I change position, cough, laugh, or bend over the pain worsens.  My lower back is really sore as well and it started at 5:30 am as soon as I woke up and hasn’t let up all day,and, in fact, just continues to worsen as time goes on but I’m just going to wait it out and see if it resolves on it’s own. My mother says I should go to the ER but for one thing, I can’t sit, so I’m certainly NOT going to spend 6-8 hours sitting in the ER waiting room! F*ck that!!. Luckily I have a high pain tolerance…Maybe it’s just like I think it was with my mother’s back pain; maybe it’s nothing more than emotional pain just manifesting itself as physical pain? If so, then I’d really feel stupid for going to the hospital if it ends up to be nothing, or to just waste my time and have them just dismiss it as IBS like all the other doctors have.

This is pain on an entirely new level all on it’s own. It’s to such a degree that even weed didn’t relieve it and that’s a first; before, for other pain, even when all other meds fail (incl. codeine, Tylenol 3, Tramadol, etc) weed always works, but not this time. This pain was so intense nothing relieved it, and the heating bag didn’t do a thing,either. It first started off kind of crampy and colicky and I thought Aunt Flow might be coming(and so far it’s a week late) but as time went on the pain intensified and then it felt like when you have really, really bad gas and when you have bad constipation, and it felt like if I did a good shit it would relieve it but it didn’t ,and I shit 4 times,too, but then it still continued on to be even worse, the kind of pain where you curl your toes, clench your fists, and break out into a sweat from the pain. It’s tender when I touch it as well and when I stand up it feels like a surgical incision as it recovers.

What is going on? This is definitely something more than just IBS! I’d say something is either inflamed, infected, bleeding, or rupturing,and my first guess would be appendix, based on the severity of the pain( but it’s generalized though thru the entire abdomenal region, not just in a local spot) or maybe even colon cancer, and remember I did have the colon polyp 9 months ago, and they increase your odds of colon cancer dramatically, but it might also be an abdomenal aortic aneurysm expanding and on the verge of rupturing, esp. since that’s the way I think I’m going to die…Buddy can sense something’s wrong as well as last night he was cuddled up to me in bed extra close and all day he’s close-by even more than usual and when the pain’s extra bad he’ll come cuddle up with me and nuzzle against me,whining, licking my face, and one particular time I was outside laying on the porch swing out back and he came bolting out the back door and in a flying leap landed on top of me and was whimpering, pawing at me, licking me and barking. Maybe there’s a certain scent I emit when I’m sick or in pain or something, either that, or we’re just so close that he’s in tune with my vibes?

 

Screenshot_976 My hubby’s also cleaning and packing preparing to move and he threw out my old computer desk and replaced it with this newer, smaller one, seen here. Here is my new desk and computer area. I don’t care either way, as long as I have my own little space, my private nook, in the corner, and still enough space to put my hippos and stuff on. Just as long as he doesn’t throw out any of my hippo stuff though!

If you don’t hear from me anymore after this and this ends up being my last blog post then that means that whatever this is causing my abdomenal and back pain killed me and if so, then goodbye. My message: Love one another. ♥

Picture Day.

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Here are my hubby and some of the kids at the Anime North convention in Toronto over the weekend in their home-made cosplay costumes. The only one I recognize is my hubby as Bowser from the Mario Bros. games series and I have absolutely no idea who any of the others are supposed to be or where they’re even from but they look good, whatever they’re supposed to be. I had a nice quiet break with most people gone all weekend as well and didn’t have to always rush, check the time, prepare food, plan what I had to do next and when, etc. I could just chill out. I could have a nice long bath and I even got hot water,too!

Today is also one of the kids’ birthdays; she’s 19, and I have the unfortunate combination of both abdomenal pain from my IBS and cramps from Aunt Flow,too,and it’s so bad that I break out into a sweat and feel nauseated from the pain, and my latest weed order arrived in the mail as well and my renewed license came with it as well for my medical prescription, only I almost didn’t see it hidden in the side of the box and almost threw it out! I always wondered too if the mail carrier knows what’s in that unmarked parcel; if they ever have any idea whatsoever that it’s actually really and truly legal marijuana?

SwampPool2018 The pool guys also came and opened it for the season and at first it looked green and murky, like Shrek’s swamp but then after circulating a few hours and with all the chemicals in it quickly started to clear up, and faster than usual; normally it takes weeks, if not a month, maybe even longer, to get it blue, or even blue-ish(instead of green) but this time it’s clearing up really well and really fast. I’m grateful for small miracles.I also noticed we’d had low water pressure(like for having a bath) and it ran out slowly for the past 3 days too and wondered why and then my hubby discovered the hose had been left on and running for 3 days, very most probably likely by me, and I hate myself for being so dumb and forgetful(I’ve also been known to leave on the stove or forget to dis-arm the security system and then open the door) too; it makes me feel like such a fop, and now my stupidity is going to cost us alot of $$$$$ (we don’t have) as well when the water bill comes in!

Pool2018 Here’s how it looks now, and my mother complained it still looks green, but not compared to how it first was before,and you can see for yourself by comparing the 2 photos. I think it actually looks pretty good, esp. considering what it usually looks like and how long it normally takes to get it looking like this. Now we just have to wait for the freezing cold water to warm up and it needs to be vacuumed too as there’s lots of sludge and debris settled on the bottom after the winter(even though it was covered) but I just remembered that our pool vacuum broke at the end of last summer…..oh, shit….and my mother and hubby say this is the “last” time we’ll open the pool but they always say that every year, although if we do end up having to move then it actually might be, and  funny as well, when the pool guys were here Buddy and I were out back as well, on the porch swing in the yard and Khia’s My Neck, My Back came blaring thru on my iPod, and, in case you didn’t know, it’s a really, really raunchy song and I was just hoping that they couldn’t hear it….HA! I wonder what they’d think? Not exactly something they’d expect coming out of a middle-aged woman’s song selection! 😀

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It was my cousins'(seen here) 24th wedding anniversary yesterday as well but they’ve been a couple actually for 29 years and now have 2 kids, aged 14 and 16. They’re coming up to visit us in July actually, and all their Canadian relatives. They’ll be in this country for 9 days (not very long coming all that way from Europe) and visiting us for a day. We’re going to have a pool party and BBQ! I just hope it doesn’t rain that day but with our luck it probably will. I also think it’s kind of unusual that I have this Facebook friend who’s Black and she’s also a vegan(like the 16 YR old) and it seems to me that it’s just more of a crazy white people thing; you know, the kind of thing that Black people shake their heads at and laugh at; Crazy Things White People Do, and I still do wonder if my hubby maybe really is poisoning me too as my genetic diagnosis still doesn’t explain the seizures  or the fainting, just the liver, gastric, and breathing issues, plus poisoning would also cause liver, kidney and gastric issues as well plus my debilitating fatigue and   increasing forgetfulness.

I’m Still Here!

StillHere Well, much to my surprise, I’m still here! I really thought I would be dead by now given my extreme pain in my stomach( either liver or stomach ulcer) and kidney area. It feels like my organs are shutting down and like something’s going to explode, yet despite this I’m still alive although it still continues on and I continue to decline. When I woke up in the morning I also had a rash on my arms and chest and my eyes were swollen, likely a reaction to all the toxins building up in my body due to the liver and kidneys shutting down. I’m also itchy as well likely for the same reason and so cold last night in bed I was freezing despite having my little space heater on I had to slip into my sleeping bag under all my covers in order to keep warm; I was so cold my teeth were chattering.

I also alternate between shivering and sweating,  and I’m bleeding out of my arse again,too, like I did 6 months ago when I had that colon polyp; bright red blood so I know it’s fresh and not old blood, my stomach feels nauseated, and I get a bit of relief when I bear down and push like I’m trying to shit( and it always feels like I have to pinch one off to even though I don’t) but I can only do it once or twice as I haven’t got the energy. On top of that “Aunt Flow” also showed up, almost a week late, so now not only do I have stomach and lower back pain but also abdomenal pain,too, and I don’t even have any painkillers left either as I used them all up for my suicide attempts, so I’m screwed.

My guess for the pain is either my stomach ulcer is back again and perhaps bleeding or even rupturing, or the colon polyps are back, or it could maybe even be my appendix or an abdomenal aortic aneurysm or something, or just my usual liver and kidneys failing….or maybe some of each? Perhaps I maybe even have stomach or colon cancer or something,too? In any case, I see the doctor next week so he can at least give me something for the pain, assuming I’m still alive by then.

I still can’t believe either how Patti, or should I say Judas, betrayed me and just dropped me like she did. She was my friend and I confided so much personal and confidential stuff to her; she was the one I trusted and could confide and unload to about, the friend I could lean on, that listened and supported me…..or so I thought. That’s why it hurts me as much as it does that she just blocked me from her life as abruptly and without explaination the way she did. I don’t even know what I did, or what she thinks I did, to warrant it. I was nothing but a good friend to her. It just goes to show that you really can’t trust anyone and that everyone will end up betraying you in the end and you should never get too close to anyone. This just breaks my heart. I really liked her and I thought she was my friend.