The tie-dyed socks I’d ordered arrived,and here they are! They’re bamboo as well so they’re really nice and soft and comfy. The 14 YR old’s appointment at the eating disorders clinic was a really good one yesterday as well and she’s making progress, meeting important milestones, turning a corner, and showing hopeful signs of health, recovery,progress, gain, and healing, for the first time in a long time, since July actually, she gained over a pound as well, and for the first time I actually have hope and feel like there’s a chance that she just might be able to get thru this! I pray every day that it’s not a life-long struggle and I’ve noticed an improvement in her depression and mood too as 3 times last week she was laughing,and I mean really laughing, laughing so hard tears were coming out of her eyes and she was shaking and it was lasting for a long time and it was so nice to see her laugh, to see her happy. Thank you, God!
On the drive there and back I also always admire the pretty fall trees with their gold, orange, red,yellow,and brown colours and there was one area where all the trees had yellow leaves all except for one tree that stood right in the middle which was all red,and it stood out, different than all the others and it was stunning, and that’s what makes it so beautiful and special, and then I thought why don’t I see myself the same way,too? I’m also different and stand out, yet I don’t see myself as special or beautiful, just as odd and out of place and not fitting on or belonging. Why is that?
Driving by I saw this big swamp of rushes as well and they were so tall and graceful, uniformly blowing and swaying gently in the breeze and it was captivating and just suddenly struck me as one of the most peaceful, perfect,and serene things I have ever seen, it was just so peaceful and perfect,enjoy the small things in life, and we passed a farm so lush green it reminded me of Ireland and Scotland, and in the van I’d lean my seat back, close my eyes, listen to my music and imagine I was on a plane, flying off to some destination alone, away from my toxic family and unhappy life, off somewhere, to start a new life, every bump in the road feeling like turbulence, and I pray to God every day to show me how to learn to laugh, love,and live again.
Weird Things I Do:(or interesting facts about me, whichever you prefer)
I talk to inanimate objects
I chatter away to my dog, an entire conversation, as if he’s a person.
I shave my legs but not my armpits
I talk out loud to myself( but I don’t answer)
If I bump into something or knock it over I say “sorry”
I can’t sleep without music
I use weed but don’t drink alcohol
I speak 4 languages but I can’t do math
I can turn my eyelids inside-out
I can bend my thumb all the way back down straight against my arm
I can be thinking in one language but talking in another
I put corn and gravy in my mashed potatoes
I sunbathe topless but would never wear a low-cup top
I shave my head
I can imitate doing funny accents and various voices
I can make “fart” noises by putting my hand under my armpit
I used to be able to make this noise that sounded like a walrus
I can write with my feet
I write, eat, brush my teeth, etc. with my left hand, but use scissors with my right hand.
I can crack my knuckles
As a ‘tween I kissed the posters of celeb guys I had on my bedroom walls
As a teen I practiced kissing with pillows and stuffed toys
I’ve been to 36 countries but I’ve never been to NYC
I can “curl” my tongue
I have always been a square peg and the world is full of round holes so I don’t fit. I am that unique individual that doesn’t belong, that’s different, that doesn’t fit in, that sticks out, that isn’t like the others, that stands alone, that doesn’t fit the mold, that’s unusual, and I’ve always been like that my whole life. In school, as a kid, growing up, as an adult, even in my own family. I think alot of it has to do with my Asperger’s and how it affects me socially and how I inter-act with other people, how I relate to others, how I interpret things, how I think and process everything, how I relate to the world around me, my perspective, etc. as I know I don’t think, react, respond, or understand things the same way that everyone else does and that makes me stand out, it makes me different and unable to fit in. The only place I ever really felt I belonged or fit in, and was able to blossom and come out of my shell was at the YMCA group in my early 20’s where I met all my friends( and my hubby) in Ottawa, but that was likely because all of us were the same; we were all dealing with some sort of mental, emotional,developmental, psychological, or social issue so we could relate to eachother and had shared experiences.
Even in my own family I’m different than the others; it’s almost as if I was plucked out of my real rightful family and placed here among strangers as we have nothing in common and all different interests, for instance, my hubby and the kids all like anime, cosplay, super heroes, Sci-Fi shows( such as Dr. Who), playing board games, bowling, etc. and I have absolutely no interest in these things so we don’t share any common interests or share the same hobbies, and, in fact, the only thing that would even indicate that we’re related is that the kids have either inherited, or I have instilled in them, my love of travel. Of all the hopes and dreams I had for my future when I was younger too only one of them actually turned out the way I hoped: I did get to travel like I always wanted(I’ve been to 36 countries so far…). It’s hard though living in a house with people you just don’t belong with, you can’t relate to, you have nothing in common with, you don’t share any interests with; it’s like I was put in the wrong family. It’s just not a good “fit.” It’s like I’m living with room-mates and not family and it’s difficult as well being in a place that you just don’t belong and where you don’t have any support or understanding or sense of belonging.
As well, I think the gross thing on my foot might be finally starting to get a bit better as I notcied now it has a thin clear shiny layer of what looks like a layer of skin starting to grow over the top and it’s not red all around it anymore now,either, although it still does hurt quite a bit, but maybe it’s just taking time to heal, and I do actually have a quite a few cuts and bruises that are taking quite a long time to heal up I’ve noticed as well, so my immune system’s probably just not that great, and now I’m starting to feel nauseous and I’m really tired,too; I always am tired but now even more so than usual and I feel like I have to go and take a nap right now or my body’s just going to shut down, and I’m really sweaty too but that could either be my hormones(starting menopause?) or just because it’s really hot out, close to 30C, with the humidex even hotter….or maybe even both?
This is what I feel like in life: a lone sunflower standing all alone, far away from all the others that bloom together in a field as a group yet I am separate from the rest, off on my own, but instead of standing proudly, upright, confident and strong, I am hunched over, with my face turned downwards, sad and lonely, not like the others, not included or belonging, always on the outside looking in, outcast, and apart, yet in Heaven I will no longer stand alone; I will join the other sunflowers in the field and then I will start to blossom and bloom; I will grow and thrive, I will face brightly towards the sun and be radiant, tall and glowing; I just need to be included, accepted, welcomed, and loved, and then I will prosper and flourish; I just need to be surrounded by beauty and love.
As well, the 13 YR old had her fifth app’t at the eating disorders clinic and now we have to give her 3 snacks a day as well as the 3 meals a day and with 3 food items per snack, in order for her to “catch up” and re-gain her ideal weight,and some anorexics even require 5000 calories a day to get where they should be they’re so malnourished and underweight, and it seems all I do now is spend all day planning, preparing, serving,and supervising her meals; it’s almost like having a newborn again where all you do all day is feed…the social worker and NP also noticed my tan and liked it, and the social worker cautioned me as well that the 13 YR old will never be who she used to be; that I’m never going to get her back the way she was, the way I remember, or regain the closeness that we once had; that the eating disorder has changed her and she’s a different person now, and we have to start over working with who she is now, and it was devastating to hear and feels as if I’ve lost her forever. We used to be so close and now it’s gone forever( and not by my choice), but it’s sort of like when someone’s been taken hostage and then rescued; they’re not the same afterwards because of the trauma they’ve been thru, like with me and all the traumas in my life and how my family broke me over the YRS of emotional abuse; I’ve been so broken beyond repair I’m not the same person anymore,either, and I’ll never be who I was before….
On the drives there and back I like to kind of “zone out” as well so I don’t have to listen to my hubby’s shit so I just tune him out so he can’t aggravate me so I blast my music on my iPod( with ear buds), enjoy looking at beauty( such as nature) on the way by, and dream about love and other daydreams, thinking about things that make me happy, and I go to my Happy Place and imagine myself horseback riding bareback thru a field or in the woods, or laying in the sun on the beach in the Caribbean or floating in the ocean….my hubby also lets the 13 YR old plug her iPod into an outlet in the van so everyone can listen to her music but not for me; I have to use the ear phones, and he “didn’t have time” to stop off and look for the Adidas jacket that she wants to buy,either, on the way home even though he somehow did find the time to stop for something he needed to do, just not for someone else.
I also figured if I drove and had a personalized vanity license plate it would say Hippo420, and being a trucker would be a great job for me,too( if I could drive, that is) as it’s solitary, no one to bother me, and on the road most of the time, away from my annoying toxic family, and it just seems so “free” and appeals to my Gypsy spirit, and as for more realistic things I’d like to do if I could( money and opportunity) I’d like to go to the Curves gym and be with other fatties like me and also volunteer with mentally handicapped adults, such as those with Down Syndrome; I think it would be very fulfilling.
I was involved with a discussion online about a photo of a little girl and how it was tagged as “offensive” that she was praying at her mother’s grave…and I, as always, posted a comment, not even noticing that it WAS at a gravesite; I just thought she was sitting in the grass playing in the garden; once again I didn’t “get” it, as always, with my Asperger’s I’m always out of step, I miss the boat, the parade always passes me by, I’m oblivious and clueless, I’m not with the program, I’m out of tune, out of touch, on a different page, miss the mark, etc. you get the idea. I just don’t see, notice,interpret,process, react to,or understand things the same way that other people do and I always end up embarrassing myself and looking stupid and then I wonder why I even bothered to participate, comment, get involved, care, etc. in the first place as I only end up laughed at, belittled, or criticized anyway.
It’s so hard being different.
My family is no different and they hate me for being what I am as well even though I can’t help it and are constantly berating,demeaning, devaluing, and ridiculing me for it and for being me, and when I was upset about something the 18 YR old scoffed, “Everything’s NOT always about YOU!” and when I replied, “Nothing’s EVER about me!” he goes, sarcastically,”Oh, poor muffin!” and the 14 YR old sniped, “That’s because you’re so annoying!” and she was being mouthy and disrespectful so I warned her to cut it and to watch her mouth if she didn’t want a smack upside her head and the 18 YR old said if I did that HE’D “kick me across the room” and then he cackled to me, “Go smoke some weed!”They always talk to me like that and treat me like this.
I hate my family.
One of our relatives in Europe is also in the hospital with a heart-attack and she just got over being hospitalized with pneumonia recently,too….shit…hopefully she’ll get thru this too….she’s just in her 60’s.
I have been called “weird” my whole life, classmates, the bullies at school, even my friends and family; everyone, yet I couldn’t figure out why exactly. I always knew that I was different, that I wasn’t like other people, that there was something about me that set me apart but I didn’t know specifically what they saw in me that made me considered “weird.” What WAS it about me that always seemed to invite ridicule and bullying? Why didn’t I ever fit in? Why was it always so hard for me to make friends? Why was I so different?
It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s, until just a couple of YRS ago, that I finally had the answer, that the mystery was solved,and it was like I had finally found the missing piece to the puzzle and the answer to the question that had puzzled me all those YRS and that explained everything: why people didn’t like me, why I was always singled out for ridicule, why I was so awkward socially, why I said or did things that annoyed people yet I wasn’t even aware of and/or had no control over, why I was ostracized, why I always felt like an outsider, why I never understood “social cues” that others just knew naturally, why I struggled with so many things, why I had a perception problem,why I never knew what to say and do or how to act, why I offend people even though it’s not my intention…..
Why there was something bigger than me that I had no control over but that I was always being blamed for but that I was genetically programmed to act upon (although unbeknownst to me at the time) that made me the way I am but I was misunderstood and hated for, yet didn’t even understand myself. It was just me being me and I didn’t know any different because it’s all I knew and I’ve always been like that.
Then people started telling me it wasn’t normal and that I was weird.
It turned out that I have Asperger Syndrome, a form of autism.Back then in the 1970’s though when I was a kid no one even knew about such a thing though, so it went unnoticed and undiagnosed and so people just thought I was just plain weird.Now I know. It’s a relief having a genuine REASON for it, something to EXPLAIN everything. Now it all makes sense.
Now I *finally* know, after all these YRS, why people think I’m weird. I guess they could just “sense” something “off” about me even as I struggled to “hide” it and pretend to be “normal” to fit in. So now I know WHY I have anxiety so bad I chew my nails down to little slivers, and why I repeat things over and over until I feel reassured, or why I’ll often put my underwear on inside-out and not care, or why I’ll obsess and stress over the smallest thing as if it were the end of the world, or have crippling panic attacks, get fixated on something, am a “concrete” thinker,made up my own weird language as a kid, or spent months as a kid thinking I was a dog, etc…
I’m weird…..but at least now I know why…..and now it’s official.
With my Asperger’s I have never been like other people and I have always been different and felt different than other people. I think and react differently than they do, I have a different perspective and reality than they do, I don’t see things the same way that they do and it has always set me apart, like I’m always on the outside looking in. It feels like everyone else can breathe underwater and I’m the only one that doesn’t have a SCUBA mask, that everyone else has the Handbook to Life and I never did, that they all know some “Secret” I missed out on. What comes easy and naturally to other people I am clueless about, such as body language, social cues,and what’s acceptable to ask and say. I am always getting into trouble with my questions, opinions,and comments and offending people and committing social gaffes even though it isn’t my intention. I never know what to say and do,or how to act. I feel awkward and uneasy around other people so just try to avoid them. I don’t make friends easily, am nervous in a group and prefer to be by myself. It’s like there are unwritten rules no one told me about. How DO people learn about social etiquette,anyway? How DO people just naturally KNOW these things? How DO people know how to “read” others? I am always misinterpreting other people and people are always taking what I say the wrong way as well.
Every day life presents challenges for me and every day I struggle. Nothing comes easy for me and everything is hard. I have trouble understanding things ,concepts,and instructions as well as social situations and have a hard time with everything. Simple everyday life skills and tasks like banking, doing taxes and paying bills are no problem for most people but I just can’t understand them and need someone to do them for me. I will never function independently or have a normal adult life. I will always be dependent and need someone to look after me, help me,and explain things to me. I am ill-equipped for life and for humanity. I just can’t navigate my way thru life.It’s like the world is a complicated tango,moving here and there in perfect rhythm,and I don’t know the steps.
I will never be able to breathe underwater. I will never have the Handbook to Life. I will never know the Secret or be in on the Great Mystery. I will always be on the outside looking in. I will never be like other people.
As well, I watched “Les Miserables” on Pay TV and I knew the story before but hadn’t seen the movie itself and it was so sad, so emotional,and so well done I cried and the 6 YR old said(when I said it was so sad; that alot of people died) “Then WHY did you LIKE it?” and it’s the 12 YR old’s fave. movie,and this is why the theatre was created; to move your heart and soul; to stir up raw emotion, and the cocoon on the porch also hatched only the moth emerged while we weren’t there to see but it did lay eggs in there so maybe we’ll get to see the baby caterpillars hatch, and the 18 YR old had the 12 YR old photo shop images of his face over faces on a family photo he found on the Internet and used it as his “family photo” he put on his desk at work and it’s so funny!
USA also said it found proof the Syrian regime used sarin gas on it’s own people( which everyone already knew) but they’re hypocrites,too condemning the use of chemical weapons(which have been forbidden from use since 1925) since THEY used napalm gas themselves in the Vietnam war in the 1970’s so they’re one to talk! The use of chemical weapons IS inhuman and SHOULD be banned but USA is hardly one to say anything though when they’ve used them,too! This stupid country also has this dumb law that charges small venues over 400$ per foreign musician it brings in the country to perform(so if the band has 6 members that’s over 400$ x 6) trying to discourage importing foreign acts,wanting to promote Canadian “talent” instead, which is just fascist and dictatorial; for one thing, no one wants to SEE Canadian acts(which generally suck) but they want to see the foreign acts(which actually HAVE talent) and the Big Brother gov’t shouldn’t dictate who we do and don’t listen to,and shouldn’t be charging the venues a “fine”(they say they can’t afford) for bringing in foreign acts! Just when you think this shithole can’t POSSIBLY suck any MORE than it does already….God, I hate this country so much,and it’s also the most BORING country in the world too! I just wish I could leave and if only I could afford to move, I would!!