Floating.

Screenshot_53 My mother’s pain is back again and so she took 2 of the 500 mg of Tylenol and then she said to me, I think I’m high! She said she feels all floaty and like I’m floating but that she didn’t like it at all as she doesn’t like not being in control. Boy, is that sure the truth; she always wants to be and has to be in control of everything and everyone; herself, her environment, other people, everything. I told her if she’s lucky she might even leave her body and to just let it go and to go with it; that it’s a nice peaceful, freeing, relaxing, liberating feeling and relieves you of stress and anxiety, to just allow it, to float along , relax, and enjoy the ride, but she didn’t and she fought against it not wanting to get “lost” in it, not wanting to “surrender” to it, not wanting to be free and just see where it takes her.I also think she was scared; maybe scared that she’d float off and never come back? She’s never really been one for adventure or the unknown,either. That’s too bad though, she really could have had quite the experience, quite the “trip.”

As well, my allergies have been so bad lately this year has been one of the worst ever and I have to take allergy meds pretty much every day this summer but it’s so bad this year that even taking Reactine still doesn’t clear up my itchy eyes, sneezing, runny nose, etc. and I then have to take a Benadryl as well and sometimes also a Dayquil and even then most times the symptoms still remain, which is very frustrating and annoying, esp. when I’m trying to sleep!Yesterday was National Spoil You Dog Day as well but I spoil my dog every day. I love my boy and I let him know it and show it every day.

As I was coming back from one of Buddy’s walks I also saw someone coming down the street and I don’t see too well but oh, my God did it ever look like Patti and then I heard her shrill voice call out my name….holy shit…. I had to quickly haul ass and drag Buddy inside the house quickly and close and lock up the door behind me as I could hear her calling me louder and louder….then I hunkered down inside waiting for her to bang on the door but she never did, thankfully, so I guess she got the message. I was hoping she would just think that I didn’t hear her, but I guess it was too obvious based on how loud she was calling me and how I quickly hurried inside. That was a close one!

I feel badly scurrying off and  hiding on her like that, but she’s the one who betrayed and used and then dumped and blocked me; she’s the false friend and I have nothing to say to her and don’t need people like that. I can no longer trust her and now there’s also the worry what if she tries to take Buddy back or reports us to the school authorities or something over our homeschooling just to get me back? She’s the type that would too, and has often reported various neighbours for frivolous things to authorities, such as noise infractions, or messy yards,uncut grass, unkempt yards, tresspassing, fence heights, property lines, etc.She’s the stereotypical nosey neighbour that can’t mind her own business and always reports everyone.

Disappointed.

Screen Shot 10-20-17 at 06.50 PM 001 I called the surgeon’s office yesterday as it’s been 2 weeks since my biopsy and I wanted to see if the results were in yet. The secretary said that they were in but that she’s away and hasn’t had a chance to look at them yet so it was limited what she could tell me but I asked her, Can you at least tell me if I have cancer? to which she replied, I would say no. So now we’re right back to where we started. No answers. I still don’t know what’s causing my excessive weight loss, abdomenal pain, debilitating fatigue, no energy,and feeling like something’s just draining the life out of me as she said earlier the colon polyp itself wouldn’t cause those symptoms and if it’s not colon cancer( I guess sometimes a polyp is just a polyp) then what is it? What’s causing my symptoms? Is it another cancer somewhere else that hasn’t been found yet, or is it something else, perhaps, like my liver again or maybe even my adrenal glands, like I had issues with before?

I’m disappointed as I was hoping for answers and I still have none. I still don’t know what’s wrong, and if the polyp wasn’t cancerous why did it bleed so much? It’s surprising as well since I had all the symptoms of colon cancer yet I don’t have it……so now the question is what do I have? I was hoping I was dying soon as well and cancer would be my way out, but that still doesn’t mean that I won’t; there’s always other ways I could still die, such as a stroke, heart attack, aneurysm, accident, etc. so I’m not giving up hope, and I can’t be bothered with life most of the time anymore and I’ve just given up and I’m so tired of my life and being me I pray to God every day to just set me free and take me back Home.

As well, my mother figured out why her back hurts: she pulled a muscle, and I got this wasp sting on my leg and it swelled up so bad it’s the size of a lemon now and just keeps continuing to get bigger and it stings and is really itchy as well so I took Benadryl to counter-act the allergic reaction, and the 23 YR old actually went to a redneck hockey game with his GF even though he hates hockey she wanted to go as it’s Canadian and she’s obsessed with all things Canadian so he went with her because she wanted to go which surprised me actually since she’s not a redneck. Now that’s true love. I wouldn’t go watch that crap unless someone paid me a million $$$$ and even then I’d have to force myself and I’d have to wear earphones and bring a book to read to distract myself. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than watch that! I can’t think of anything that interests me less.

Pay To Pray.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 08.14 PM I read an article a Jewish journalist wrote and he said that it’s expensive to be Jewish,  and that’s why He thinks many Jews are Jews in name only but not actually practicing their faith, such as going to synagogue. He said that to go to the synagogue and attend religious services you actually have to pay a membership fee, sort of like at a country club, costing into the thousands of dollars a year, and that to attend the holy days (such as Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah) you have to buy a ticket, at the cost of hundreds of dollars, pricing many people out. I was really surprised and never knew that. Unlike the Christian and Muslim places to worship where your monetary contribution is voluntary, and you’re not prevented from attending because you can’t afford the membership fee. I’ve never heard anything like it and I think it’s sad. I had no idea. Seems discriminatory to me.Only for those with $$$$. The Old Marxist in me is pissed-off.

I don’t think that you should have to pay to pray. In our church we’re obligated to donate 10% of our income but we’re not audited(although in the Mormon church they do; they actually audit you where once a year the bishop sits each congregation member down in his office and reviews his finances to make sure their tithing is all “up to date” and if you haven’t paid the full 10% you can’t go to the temple) or prevented from worshipping if you don’t donate or pay a certain amount. I think that’s awful. What about the devout but poor widow? or the pensioner? or the immigrant? or the single parent? or the large family? or the guy that got laid off? I’m sure that there are many devoutly religious who are being prevented from going to the temple due to financial restrictions and that only the wealthy can afford memberships at the Jewish synagogues just makes me sad and I feel badly for the others and I try to imagine how I’d feel if I’d have to pay something like 1500$ a yr to go to church and then hundreds of $$$$ extra to go to Christmas and Easter Masses? I think it should be on a voluntary basis and you give what you can afford,without being called-out on it, shamed, made to feel guilty or cheap, and to worship freely, as God loves us without price. Whatever you choose to tithe should be between you and God.

As well, I got stung by a wasp! I was just laying out in the sun, minding my own business, and the mean little f*cker just landed on my leg and stung me for no reason! Now it’s all swollen up to a big bump  the size of a hard-boiled egg so I took a Benadryl. I also saw a cute little brown rabbit hopping around the neighbour’s yard and I’ve seen them in our own backyard at times, too, just wild, we had a BBQ as well and it was Buddy’s lucky day too because my hubby accidently dropped 3 hotdogs so guess who got them, and the 18 YR old also visited from camp.

Brian.

Screen Shot 03-22-17 at 08.00 AM The 9 YR old( who turns 10 tomorrow) and I have this ongoing joke when he does his math for his school work: we call his brain Brian( I got the idea from dumb kids in school that would spell Brian as “brain” and from this Pinky and the Brain episode where Brain went on this game show and they spelled his name as Brian) and we joke, It’s time to torture Brian now! or on weekends, holidays,and during the summer, Brian has a day off. It’s funny and he seems to get such a kick out of it. I also got this what I assume must be a spider bite on my finger and it was really itchy and swelled up really bad and went all red and then even white from the pressure of getting so big and swollen and it started to spread so I took a Benadryl for the allergy and it worked but it also knocked me right out and I had to have a nap! That stuff always makes me sooooo tired!

I’m not sleeping well lately either I’m under so much stress and have so much anxiety and worry, particularly about the 13 YR old and her eating disorder, and last night, for example, is a typical night: I lay awake in bed for 2-3 HRS before I can fall asleep and then I sleep for about 3 HRS and then I wake up again and stay awake for 1-2 HRS and go back to sleep and then keep waking up, and I always feel like I’m going to faint and my stomach feels so raw and nauseated, I don’t know if it’s from constant stress exhaustion, or being sleep-deprived, or due to some medical cause, or maybe even a combination? I always feel like shit.

As for the 13 YR old, when she was out I did a “sweep” of her room, looking for anything sharp that she can use to cut herself, so I can remove it, and I found a screwdriver, 2 pairs of scissors, a nailclipper with a sharp file on it….and big sharp jagged chunks of broken glass and some kind of big metal sharp needle thing I have no idea what it is, perhaps for some sort of needlepoint craft or something,and also found several tissues soaked with blood,which broke my heart, so I removed them, and it’s hard trying to get her to eat,too( they call re-feed) and sometimes she just won’t, she just closes her mouth and refuses, saying that she can’t,and that it’s “not that easy”, and my mother said to take away her iPod every time she refuses to eat but I won’t because she’s sick; it’s a disease and she can’t help it (that’s why she needs us to help her, because she can’t do it on her own) it would be like punishing someone who has cancer!  The 15 YR old complained too about us having to constantly supervise her to make sure she’s not barfing up her food or hurting herself and said she should just be responsible herself, except they told us at the clinic that it’s up to us; that we have to monitor her constantly because she can’t be trusted and we have to keep her safe from herself.

Screen Shot 03-23-17 at 04.40 PM I also love this painting Sunlight and Shadow, painted in 1888 by Willard Metcalf. I still haven’t gotten my EEG results yet; no one has called me, and it’s been over a WK and they said I should have heard back in about 5 days, so I wonder if it was so complicated, so bizarre, that it’s taking them longer to try and interpret it and figure it out, or maybe everything’s ok and they were only going to call if they found something? Our vending machines aren’t doing so well either; out of 15 we were only able to place 4 of them so far,and that was even with hiring out recruiters to scout out and find locations for us, so it looks like yet another one of my hubby’s hare-brained ideas that was supposed to make $$$$ but instead ended up costing $$$$$, and another thing NOT to do when high on weed: trying to type in your computer password, esp. when it’s in another language and you forget how to properly spell it. It becomes such a monumental task and you only get a few tries, and when your mind is all muddled and your thinking is cloudy and you’re out of focus it becomes quite impossible…..  😀