Re-group.

Screenshot_606 I have to re-group. The other day I was hit with a very serious accusation of something I supposedly did decades ago in the past, but it was something so awful, so horrible, so terrible, so unthinkable, so unforgivable(and no, it’s nothing sexual, so get your mind out of the gutter) I doubt that it even really actually occurred, because if it did I don’t even remember it, and certainly if I did something so awful I would at least remember doing it, wouldn’t I, unless, of course, it never really happened, and the other possibility, is that with my bipolar and my mental state at the time and due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was just so traumatizing, and so hard to bear, so difficult to live with, that I just completely blocked it out? It was something so bad that if I did actually do it the guilt would be so bad that I just couldn’t live with it or live with myself. Maybe God also even “erased” the episode and the time period from my memory as a means of self-protection; as survival, knowing that if I knew, if I remembered, if I was aware, that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it? How does one live with themself knowing they’re a monster, for example,such as a serial killer?

I seriously question the whole thing though because that’s really not how I remember it and when I asked a witness who was there at the time(and still remembers) their thoughts on it they denied it ever happened,either, were stunned speechless, and said the accuser themselves must have issues and that they must have been making the whole thing up. I just wouldn’t do something like that though; it’s not who I am,  and it sounds so incredulous and I have zero memories of it; it just doesn’t seem possible, so I have to re-group and get my head together to try and comprehend such shocking revelations, esp. as it sounds so far-fetched it makes me wonder if maybe a tall-tale is maybe just being told to mind-f*ck with me, to try and take advantage of my brain decline, forgetfulness, mental illness, bipolar and hallucinations and self-doubt that goes along with it to try and convince me and make me feel guilty about and hate myself for something awful that I never really actually even did; that never even really happened, perhaps to drive me even more insane, to see how I’ll react;  to see what I’d say and do to the accusations, or maybe to even drive me to suicide over the guilt? I don’t know.

That’s the hard part. What’s real, and how can I tell?

All I know is I’ve been thinking over and over, wracking my brain, going back to the past, trying to re-live events and time periods in my head trying to see if it might have ever been possible but I’m just not seeing it or feeling it; it’s just not something I’d do, goes against everything I am, and when I think about it occurring it makes me feel heartsick and sad even just at the possibility. That’s the worst thing about being unsure of yourself, having self-doubt and not being able to rely on and trust your own mind, your memories, and being able to tell  the difference between what’s real and what really happened VS what was just a thought, a dream, a hallucination, or just all in my mind, but for whatever I may have done, or have failed to do, or should have done(but didn’t do), or for what someone even thinks I may have done, or hurt anyone or wronged anyone in any way whether intentional or not, whether I even realized it or not, I apologize,and I am truly sorry.

I just wish  knew the truth though; what really happened. Am  I capable of such a heinous thing, and is it possible I did do it without knowing, without remembering…..or is someone just trying to trick me (with my bad memory and declining mind and forgetfulness) into thinking I did? Is it just some sort of sick, cruel, twisted mind-game,perhaps, or maybe the accuser has a false memory or perhaps confused me with someone else or has a faulty memory themselves or they thought an incident occured that really didn’t? Perhaps they too have a hard time distinguishing fact from dreams, fears, false memories, etc,too,like I do? The whole thing has greatly upset me though and now my stomach ulcer’s acting-up big time from the stress and my stomach pain’s back really bad once again. This is troubling me greatly and if I really am such a horrible, terrible, awful person how do I live with myself? How do I look myself in the mirror each day knowing I did something so awful?

No wonder I don’t deserve to be happy or be loved. Maybe that’s why deep-down I hate myself so much too; because I know I’m such a terrible, awful person? If it turns out to be true, I don’t even deserve to live.

The possibility was also suggested that maybe that’s why I always have such bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness, etc. in life is maybe it’s karma; that I’m being “paid back” or punished, except that my bad luck has plagued me for my entire life, as long as I can remember, even back when I was a kid, even way before this was said to have occured. In any case, I pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth to me so at least I’ll know either way and so if there really is any truth to it I can deal with it, make amends( although I don’t know what could ever “make up” for it) be forgiven( although I could never forgive myself) and heal and try to move forward….yet my own history with trauma has taught me that some traumas break you so hard that you can’t ever be fixed or get “over” it.

Patti also surprised me by sending me a message on Pinterest with her usual story that her phone was broken( yeah, right…..for  6 months?) and she couldn’t “find” me on Facebook and then she “forgot” how to spell my name…..all kinds of lame excuses so I wrote a reply enough of the excuses; I know she de-friended me on Facebook and blocked me; that she just used me to get puppies and then once she got what she wanted from me she just threw me away and I told her I thought she was my friend and that I’m done now; I don’t need people like that in my life. I bet the only reason she’s even trying to all of a sudden contact me again is it’s been 6 months and her dog’s probably in heat again and she wants more puppies again and wants my dog to mate with hers again but I’m NOT falling for that again! Even I’m not that stupid! I’ve been used and betrayed enough in my life. Never again.

Epic Bruise.

Screenshot_70 Check out my epic bruise! This is what the blood clot in my varicose vein in my leg I had yesterday has turned into now, this massive bruise. It was a hard, hot, painful lump yesterday and it hurt when I was trying to sleep, turning over and changing position in bed hurt, but when I woke up the lump had dissolved by itself, the clot had broken up and changed into the bruise and now it just feels achy like a normal bad bruise but it’s gigantic; 4 inches across and 5 inches long!

Screenshot_72 The photo doesn’t even really do it justice; it’s actually a much deeper, darker purple in real life but a glare of light seems to be reflecting off the picture and makes it appear lighter than it actually is. I must say, it’s quite impressive, and to be this visible thru my suntan is quite something. I can only imagine how much of a more brilliant dark purple it would appear in the winter on my pale pasty white-girl skin! This has got to be one of my best bruises ever! One of my friends said I should see the doctor but knowing him he’d just shrug and say, It’s just a bruise. Leave it alone. It’ll clear up on it’s own.

I also figured if Patti is coming around again the reason would be obvious: it’s been 6 months since her dog and Buddy mated and she got pregnant and she’d be in heat again so the bitch probably is hoping I’d fall for it again; to resume the friendship, thinking she can just use me, betray me and dump me, and then just come back and pick up where she left off as if nothing happened and have the dogs mate again for another litter of puppies but even I’m not so stupid. She just used me to get the puppies and then dumped me once she got what she wanted and I’m not stupid enough to bother with her ever again. I don’t need people like that! Buddy’s such a good boy too when I was napping and he had to go out he came up to my face and put his nose right up to me, and licked my eyes and nose, waking me up, telling me he had to go, instead of doing it in the house.

It’s also convenient too how my mother said her back pain( which has resumed and it will be a week tomorrow it’s been back) lasts during the daytime but always seems to clear up around 5 pm and be ok in the evening and night….. once all the work is done for the day, such as cooking, laundry, dishes, garbage, etc… I think she’s using it as an excuse to just get out from having to do anything around the house and to have me take over everything so she doesn’t have to do anything. I’ll help do her regular work but I refuse to feed the squirrels like she does( she’s obsessed with them,actually) because the little f*ckers killed my sunflower seedlings and they can starve for all I care, so, despite being in so much supposed pain and agony she still got up and fed them. What happened to being bedridden and unable to do anything?Hmmmm…..

Floating.

Screenshot_53 My mother’s pain is back again and so she took 2 of the 500 mg of Tylenol and then she said to me, I think I’m high! She said she feels all floaty and like I’m floating but that she didn’t like it at all as she doesn’t like not being in control. Boy, is that sure the truth; she always wants to be and has to be in control of everything and everyone; herself, her environment, other people, everything. I told her if she’s lucky she might even leave her body and to just let it go and to go with it; that it’s a nice peaceful, freeing, relaxing, liberating feeling and relieves you of stress and anxiety, to just allow it, to float along , relax, and enjoy the ride, but she didn’t and she fought against it not wanting to get “lost” in it, not wanting to “surrender” to it, not wanting to be free and just see where it takes her.I also think she was scared; maybe scared that she’d float off and never come back? She’s never really been one for adventure or the unknown,either. That’s too bad though, she really could have had quite the experience, quite the “trip.”

As well, my allergies have been so bad lately this year has been one of the worst ever and I have to take allergy meds pretty much every day this summer but it’s so bad this year that even taking Reactine still doesn’t clear up my itchy eyes, sneezing, runny nose, etc. and I then have to take a Benadryl as well and sometimes also a Dayquil and even then most times the symptoms still remain, which is very frustrating and annoying, esp. when I’m trying to sleep!Yesterday was National Spoil You Dog Day as well but I spoil my dog every day. I love my boy and I let him know it and show it every day.

As I was coming back from one of Buddy’s walks I also saw someone coming down the street and I don’t see too well but oh, my God did it ever look like Patti and then I heard her shrill voice call out my name….holy shit…. I had to quickly haul ass and drag Buddy inside the house quickly and close and lock up the door behind me as I could hear her calling me louder and louder….then I hunkered down inside waiting for her to bang on the door but she never did, thankfully, so I guess she got the message. I was hoping she would just think that I didn’t hear her, but I guess it was too obvious based on how loud she was calling me and how I quickly hurried inside. That was a close one!

I feel badly scurrying off and  hiding on her like that, but she’s the one who betrayed and used and then dumped and blocked me; she’s the false friend and I have nothing to say to her and don’t need people like that. I can no longer trust her and now there’s also the worry what if she tries to take Buddy back or reports us to the school authorities or something over our homeschooling just to get me back? She’s the type that would too, and has often reported various neighbours for frivolous things to authorities, such as noise infractions, or messy yards,uncut grass, unkempt yards, tresspassing, fence heights, property lines, etc.She’s the stereotypical nosey neighbour that can’t mind her own business and always reports everyone.

Judas.

Judas I still can’t believe that Patti, or shall I say Judas, turned on me, blocked me from her life, used me, and betrayed me like she did. It esp. hurt as I thought she was my friend, and even more so since I don’t make friends easily, I don’t “warm” to people easily, I don’t trust people, don’t get too close to people, and don’t have many friends, so when I do, it means alot to me and it’s something special that I value and when you lose something that you value, something that’s been cultivated, worked on, given loving care and that you cherish and that is rare, it hurts even more when you lose it so I think that’s why it hurts so much why she did what she did, and even more so so abruptly,and without warning or explanation. A false friend is worse than an enemy because at least with an enemy you know what to expect.

The more I actually think about it though I figure, if she’s going to be like that( a user, not a loyal friend, quick to “turn” on and drop a friend, treating friends like that,etc.) then I’m better off without her and don’t need “friends” like that. When I think about it, I’ve always given her birthday and Christmas gifts as well and she’s never given me one, not even once. I guess that might have been a red flag there, a warning sign, that she maybe really wasn’t a true friend, afterall, that she was in it for something else, using me for something, or at the very least that I valued the friendship more than she did and it didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me.

Then there was the fact that she always complained about everything and everyone and was notorious for always reporting her neighbours to the authorities about every little thing and was really super-nosey( I prefer to leave people alone and mind my own business) and she’d always gossip and tell me not-so-nice things about her other friends which I thought was mean,talking behind their backs like that,not something a real friend would do, and made me wonder if she’s saying things like that about them to me, what is she telling them about me, and then when I found out she’s a racist, too…. I don’t need someone like that,and maybe she was just using me for Buddy to impregnant her dog and then cut me off once she got what she wanted and no longer had “use” for me anymore, who knows? My ex-friend J was the exact same way.

HA, it would serve her right if all of the puppies ended up to be male though as she wants to keep a female. The 16 year old even went as far as to say she hopes Patti’s dog and all the puppies die and she ends up with nothing, but I think that’s too mean and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody but it would serve her right if none of them were females and she never ended up with one in the end anyway. I’m better off without her, I know, but losing someone I confided in, trusted, and thought was a good friend still hurts just the same.

KFC I also got the KFC Double-Down with the hot zinger sauce and maple waffle .Isn’t it just glorious? I just took out the waffle as maple is gross but I ate the chicken. A heart-attack waiting to happen, ha,ha, but I figure if it’s the last thing I ate before I died at least I’d die with a full stomach and a smile on my face. I’d die happy. People in USA were also complaining how it’s not fair that we get this up here in Canada and they don’t in USA but it’s almost always the other way; they’re usually the ones that get all these things and we never do, so now they know how we feel like all the time!It sucks here, we lag behind the rest of the world in so many  things!

I still have that splitting headache and it’s unlike any I’ve had before,too,and it’s weird: it’s only on one side of my head and I can feel it in the spines of my sore stiff neck and going up the back of my head and even my ears are throbbing and feel like they’re under pressure, sort of like when you quickly come up from under the water and your ears are all water-logged, my heart beat pulses with each throbbing pain of my head, plus it feels like an ice-pick is jabbing behind my right eye and the pain is so bad that nothing gets rid of it,not ibuprofen 600 mg, Tramadol, Tylenol # 3, Tylenol Sinus, not even weed, and that even relieves the pain of my migraines, but even that doesn’t get rid of this one and it’s been 3-4 days now I’ve had it now. I think I have a fever too so my guess is likely a sinus infection…

I’m Still Here!

StillHere Well, much to my surprise, I’m still here! I really thought I would be dead by now given my extreme pain in my stomach( either liver or stomach ulcer) and kidney area. It feels like my organs are shutting down and like something’s going to explode, yet despite this I’m still alive although it still continues on and I continue to decline. When I woke up in the morning I also had a rash on my arms and chest and my eyes were swollen, likely a reaction to all the toxins building up in my body due to the liver and kidneys shutting down. I’m also itchy as well likely for the same reason and so cold last night in bed I was freezing despite having my little space heater on I had to slip into my sleeping bag under all my covers in order to keep warm; I was so cold my teeth were chattering.

I also alternate between shivering and sweating,  and I’m bleeding out of my arse again,too, like I did 6 months ago when I had that colon polyp; bright red blood so I know it’s fresh and not old blood, my stomach feels nauseated, and I get a bit of relief when I bear down and push like I’m trying to shit( and it always feels like I have to pinch one off to even though I don’t) but I can only do it once or twice as I haven’t got the energy. On top of that “Aunt Flow” also showed up, almost a week late, so now not only do I have stomach and lower back pain but also abdomenal pain,too, and I don’t even have any painkillers left either as I used them all up for my suicide attempts, so I’m screwed.

My guess for the pain is either my stomach ulcer is back again and perhaps bleeding or even rupturing, or the colon polyps are back, or it could maybe even be my appendix or an abdomenal aortic aneurysm or something, or just my usual liver and kidneys failing….or maybe some of each? Perhaps I maybe even have stomach or colon cancer or something,too? In any case, I see the doctor next week so he can at least give me something for the pain, assuming I’m still alive by then.

I still can’t believe either how Patti, or should I say Judas, betrayed me and just dropped me like she did. She was my friend and I confided so much personal and confidential stuff to her; she was the one I trusted and could confide and unload to about, the friend I could lean on, that listened and supported me…..or so I thought. That’s why it hurts me as much as it does that she just blocked me from her life as abruptly and without explaination the way she did. I don’t even know what I did, or what she thinks I did, to warrant it. I was nothing but a good friend to her. It just goes to show that you really can’t trust anyone and that everyone will end up betraying you in the end and you should never get too close to anyone. This just breaks my heart. I really liked her and I thought she was my friend.

Do I Matter?

Screen Shot 11-20-17 at 06.41 PM 001 When I told my mother that I’m tired of her and my hubby always siding together against me and ganging up on me and that I never get any support and I have no say, authority, or control in my own life or family,and that my opinions, thoughts, needs, and feelings don’t matter and that I’m always vetoed, over-ruled, undermined and ignored she sneered,  and I’m tired of you always complaining about it! so I said to her Then stop doing it! If you didn’t do it then I’d have nothing to complain about! and then she snickers, Things can’t always go your way! and told me if I didn’t like it then I can move out, and I told her, But things never go my way and I feel so trapped and helpless in my own life, like I’m a hostage, and I would move out if I could but I don’t have any $$$$ or anywhere to go!

So that got me thinking, Do I matter? I know to God I do,and I know that my dog loves me, but other than that, no; I don’t. I just realized that there’s not one single human being that cares whether or not I live or die. I don’t matter to anyone. No one loves me or cares about me. No one worries about me or thinks about me. No one misses me. No one desires me. No one fantasizes about me. No one dreams about me. No one is happy to see me. No one needs me or wants me. No one includes me. No one smiles when they think about me. No one is concerned when I’m sick.

I wish that someone’s heart would flutter when they look into my eyes. I wish when someone thinks of me or hears my name they smile and think that’s my friend. I wish someone saw a hippo or a sunflower or heard Reggae and thought of me. I wish someone worried when I’m sick. I wish someone misses me when I go away. I wish someone was happy to see me when I come home. I wish I meant something to someone.I wish someone would celebrate my birthday. I wish I was worth hand-made items.I wish I was attractive to someone.  I wish I was in someone’s mind and heart. I wish someone cared about me. I wish someone enjoyed my twisted sense of humour. I wish someone enjoyed my company. I wish someone could see past my looks, my disabilities, my limitations, my failures,etc. and just see me. I wish someone loved me. I wish I mattered.

My Mother’s Day.

Screen Shot 05-13-17 at 10.34 PM 001Look at this awesome hippo painting the 17 YR old painted for me for Mother’s Day! (she’s a talented painter and writer) I just completely love  it! I’ve been having trouble finding hippo paintings so she did one for me! That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me! It now hangs proudly in my room, above my bed, next to Jesus. The 15 YR old observed, She forgot the top teeth! but no matter, I love it, and I can just pretend it either lost it’s teeth in a fight with another hippo ( 2 males battling for dominance) or it’s a young calf and it’s teeth haven’t all come in yet,like Fiona.

 

Screen Shot 05-14-17 at 07.38 PM From my hubby I also got these cool purple Converse hi-tops to add to my collection. Usually I’m lucky if I even get a card, and none of the kids either gave me or made me a card and none of them even bothered to even say Happy Mother’s Day, either, but they were away for most of the day so I ended up having a nice quiet break and relaxing day.We also had KFC for dinner as neither my mother or I wanted to cook on Mother’s Day. I asked the 14 YR old for my Mother’s Day gift if she’d let me hug her and she refused and recoiled in horror. I just wish she’d let me love her. I’m not even allowed to look at her, touch her, or even speak to her, and everything I say or do annoys her anyway so I might as well just do what I want whether she likes it or not and to that she threatens, Then I’ll get revenge on you! I just wish I could get thru to her. I wish we could get our old connection and closeness back but she keeps pushing me further and further away no matter how much I try.Truth be told, she’s really horrible to me and it just breaks my heart….I wish she wasn’t so mean, and that I wasn’t always on the receiving end of it.

As well, we had this bad thunderstorm yesterday and church had no power so we had Mass basically in the dark but they did put a few extra candles for a bit of light, and I confessed my suicide attempts too and it was the grumpy old fart but he was surprisingly sympathetic, and for the past week I’m still groggy, spacey,and in a “fog”, I suppose the drugs still in my system, and I asked God for a sign if I’m going to die this year, or maybe even this month (since most people in our family do die in May) that I hear both Stairway To Heaven and Hallelujah yesterday…..and I heard Stairway To Heaven twice; once on the radio and once on my iPod, and then in church one of the hymns was Hallelujah! I couldn’t believe it, and I bet if I die the people at church would actually miss me more than my own family will, even though they don’t even really know me, they see me there every Sunday, I’m like a regular fixture there, part of the weekly routine they get used to seeing and then when I’m not there it’ll seem like something’s missing,and I see them as my church family and spiritual brothers and sisters, but my own family will be glad to be rid of me and will be happy to see me go…..

I remember at the last session with the social worker too when I mentioned how everyone always betrays me and she dismisses and downplays it by saying, What you see as betrayal may not be what I see as betrayal…..uh, excuse me, but I’ll give you one example, and I think that anyone would agree with me that it’s most definitely betrayal: I’d told my hubby my biggest, darkest secret( that I was molested by a relative as a kid for 8 years) a secret I’d never told anyone before that, not even my mother, and make him swear he’d never tell anyone, except he did; he told his sister in an effort to destroy me; she’d kidnapped one of my kids because she only had boys and wanted a girl so she took mine and he helped her and told her my secret so she could use it in court as “ammunition” against me. Fortunately it didn’t work, but that was a HUGE betrayal, and that’s just one example…and now he wonders why I don’t trust him….