Graduation!!

Graduate The 14 YR old had her LAST appointment at the eating disorders clinic yesterday; she’s been officially discharged and they closed her file; she’s graduated! She’s now 1 pound above her ideal weight  and all her stats are looking good and they commented on how they can clearly notice she looks and seems so much healthier, happier, and better.It’s true; I notice it,too, now there’s a “light” about her, a sparkle, a shine, a glow, a radiance; life. We got a 6 month prescription for the Prozac but they said to end the other medication which bothers me that they’d discharge her first, before having another doctor to follow her up, just in case there are any problems going off the meds( like last time they tried she relapsed) and also just for follow-up care and to re-new meds,etc. as she’s still on the waiting list for a family doctor and it can take months. I also wanted to give her a party to celebrate with balloons, cake, etc. but she said she hates parties.

She’s just doing so well and it’s been 11 months. There were some times, back in the early days, that I’d never thought I’d ever see this day but she’s made so much progress and come so far. That was how it also was when the now 20 YR old had leukemia when he was 7; those earlier days were so dark and just seemed so hopeless and endless I just couldn’t see any light out of the darkness yet now here we are. Thank you, God. As promised for her hard effort, work, progress, and success we went to the Apple store in Kingston right down the street from the hospital and got her the MacBook computer she’s always wanted. She chose the silver and it turns out that it was the last one in that colour in the store. She’s always been “lucky” like that (and she’s always winning prizes and stuff,too) unlike me; I’m the exact opposite! She was just beaming and smiling from ear to ear, she was so happy and it was so nice to see. Damn, those things are expensive though( it took my hubby almost a year to save up) it costs as much as a cruise! She’s earned it though; she’s worked hard, come a long way,and she deserves it.

One of the therapists at the clinic had her baby as well; a girl that weighed…get this…. 11 1/2 pounds, and that’s not a typo! Holy shit….can you imagine? I just cringe thinking about it. That’s not a baby…..that’s a turkey! Of course she had a cesarian for obvious reasons and I’ll bet the baby likely  even broke a record at the hospital too for biggest baby born there! On the way there I also saw a rabbit roadkill on the highway and another as well my hubby and I were arguing over he says is a coyote but I think looks more like a wolf; at first I wondered if it was a dog as it looked like a husky(and it was grey and white) but then I wondered What would a dog be doing way out here on the highway in the middle of nowhere? and it was just next to the forest so I figure likely a wolf as coyotes are more of a brown colour…

I was also contemplating Who am I? In the past I used to define myself as a wife and homeschooling mother but not anymore, not now that the kids are older and there’s this distance between my family and I as they belittle and demean me and continue to push me away, I don’t feel “bonded” to them anymore, and I don’t have a career to define myself by,and even if I did that’s still not who I am; it’s just what I do, and then the answer popped into my head, A child of God.  That’s who I am. I am a child of God. We all are. It just felt like a warm loving embrace from God, a reassurance that He loves me and that I’m not worthless, a nobody, unlovable. I am a child of God. I am made in His Image.I am loved by God. When I walked Buddy at 6 am this crazy old guy at the corner house was also loudly yelling standing out his front porch God’s Name and Dammit! 2-3 times and then went back inside. It was so weird.It was too early to be drunk,too… We have the weirdest people living on our street. We live in Crazytown.

I saw Montego Bay 6 am listed on my hubby’s computer calendar as well ( every app’t he puts on shows up on mine as we share app’t dates on our shared calendar) and I got all excited thinking he had secretly got me a ticket to Jamaica( Bob Marley country!) as a surprise but it turned out it was his friend that’s going….man, I would have loved that, and to which he sniffed, For you it would be a one way ticket! and I replied, That’s what I’d wantI was also talking in the car and he orders me to stop talking and in a put-down, condescending way, sort of how you would to a nattering toddler that just won’t shut up and gets on your one last nerve and he huffs, I was just me being me and I told him, …and you’re just you being you….an asshole! Oh, Dear Lord, what have I ever done to “deserve” this?

 

The Gingerbread House.

Screen Shot 12-03-17 at 08.16 AM 001 The 14 and 16 YR olds tried to make a gingerbread house from scratch but as soon as they put the last piece on ( doesn’t it figure, right at the end, after all that time , effort,and hard work) it all collapsed, so instead of a gingerbread house it ended up a bunch of jagged and ragged broken gingerbread cookies instead, but the important thing is that they still taste the same. The 14 YR old also has this kind of “radar” where she can sniff out and detect every sneaky trick I do and put into her food, too, even the other day when I tried to sneak butter into her muffin by carefully and meticulously injecting it with a syringe! I melted the butter to a liquid and poked tiny little holes into it and injected it using a baby medicine dropper/syringe thinking she’d never know the difference, but she still did. I swear, that kid is like those drug-sniffing dogs at the airport that can detect anything. 

The 23 YR old also left a pizza on the floor in his room and of course Buddy could smell it so he opened the door, went in, opened the pizza box with his snout…..and ate all the pepperoni off it! but just the pepperoni,which also happens to be his fave. food, nothing else; he didn’t eat all the pizza, just the part he thought was his, and I guess he figured it was on the floor so it must have been left out for him because we put food down on the floor for him! He’s such a funny dog and always makes me laugh. A neighbour also asked me while I was out walking him what happened to our outdoor Christmas lights this year and I told her my hubby’s too lazy to do them this year and she said that was disappointing. I saw the perfect  Ugly Christmas sweater for me the other day at Spencers while I was out shopping too; it said Merry Christmas F*ckers! only it cost 69.99$ which is too expensive so I never got it. A Facebook friend in USA also had her first baby 2 days ago, on her 37th birthday, a 6 pound 7 oz girl, and she was in labour for 2 days and pushed for 4 hours! Man, it’s insane what we women go thru to bring babies into the world!

I had a bath bomb in my bath as well and it turned the water an orange-red colour and it looked like I’d been butchered, and the other night I was really nauseated(I had to come downstairs and get a Gravol) and on and off I would get really dizzy it felt like the room was spinning and then I’d feel my heart loudly thumping and pounding in my chest and it makes sense that my heart is what’s causing my issues, my seizures, my black-outs, my shortness of breath, my sweats, my not being able to exert myself , walk too far, and get breathless going up a flight of stairs, and my bad fluid retention, nagging cough I’ve had for months, blue lips I often get( poor circulation), cold hands(POOR CIRCULATION AGAIN) light-headedness, dizziness, extreme fatigue, etc.. maybe now I’ll finally have some answers!  I asked for insight from God as well and loudly and clearly the words ventricular fibrillation came into my head, which I have no idea of so I Googled it, and holy shit, if you’re going to have a heart issue this is like one of the worst possible ones to have; the electric rhythm is off-kilter and can it can just suddenly stop beating resulting in a fatal heart-attack. To this my mother replied, You always have to go to extremes, don’t you? You always have to have the worst or rarest of everything! Story of my life.

Original Due Date.

Screen Shot 10-11-17 at 08.08 AM Today was the original due date for my first child 28 years ago. October 12…..only labour didn’t begin until 3 days later, on the 15th and he wasn’t born until 4 days later, on the 16th. I’ll never forget that day though; October 12th. It’ll always be imprinted in my memory forever, like a brain tattoo, forever etched on my mind, a day I eagerly anticipated and looked excitely ahead to for 9 months,and then a day that came and went….and as each day,each hour passed, I would get increasingly nervous, When it is going to happen? Is this baby ever going to come out? It seemed to last forever and I was just so eager to meet him and, to tell you the truth, at that point at the end of the pregnancy, just so desperate to get him out (I would have taken him out myself with salad tongs if I could!) I was trying everything from drinking castor oil, going for a bumpy car ride, to having sex….what’s taking this kid so long,anyway? I’m so done being pregnant….

…..but then one day, on the early morning of the 15th, around 5 am, my first contraction begun,and I was on my way at long last,and at 4 :47 the next morning, on the 16 th I became a mother for the first time,and against the odds he survived! Even though he was my first baby, our experiment,and we had no idea what we were doing and we were just “winging” it and just learned as we went along he survived and grew and came it thru it relatively unscathed(and he’s one of our more normal ones, or at least I think he is…) and now he’ll be 28 years old next week, but I’ll never forget October 12th. It was when he was originally supposed to be born.

As well, I saw this survey online how much $$$$ did you get for allowance as a kid and it reminded me: I used to get 20$ a week allowance yet now as an adult I’m put on a limit of 20$ a month “allowance” and this includes all my personal needs too such as shampoo, hair dye, tampons, deoderant, etc. whereas when I was a kid and a teen those were not incl. in my allowance; I didn’t have to pay for them, my allowance was just my extra spending $$$ but now I have to get all my needs out of it which is next to impossible and I realized that I had more money as a kid and teen than I do now. I’d also thought the diarrhrea was gone since the polyp was removed from my colon but now it’s back again, along with more bright red bleeding along with it, so maybe I do have colon cancer, afterall, then? I should get the biopsy results later next week….

I also had the recurring dream I often do of my last day of highschool and how free I felt, and how I just ran down the halls yelling, Freedom! I’m free! I never have to come back to this place ever again! what a feeling of pure freedom I felt, like I could fly,and it makes me think that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die,too; free; freedom from this life, free from this toxic environment, freedom from this toxic family, free from this physical body, free to soar, free to fly, free from anxiety, sadness, worry, fear, hurt, pain, rejection, free from depression, bi-polar, Asperger’s, free from self-loathing and self-hatred, free from being me,  just free….

April.

screen-shot-02-26-17-at-08-38-am Guess what I’ve been doing for the past few days? Waiting for and watching for April the giraffe to have her baby! Me, along with some 20 million other people are following the live stream online from the Animal Adventure Park in New York as she awaits the birth of her 4 th calf.(baby giraffes, like hippos,are called calves)She’s 15 YRS old and her “husband” Oliver is only 5 YRS old( a younger man! woo-hoo!) and giraffes are pregnant for 15 months! (hippos are for 8 months)Holy shit! and can be in labour for 10 days,and I thought my 24 HR labour (and 4 days over-due)with my first child was long! The babies are born front hooves first, followed by the snout(whereas hippos are born tail first), and are 6 feet tall and weigh 150 pounds at birth and start to walk right away and are born with their eyes open, unlike puppies and kittens whose eyes don’t open until they are around 2 weeks old.Hippos also weigh 150 pounds and have their eyes open at birth and walk right away.

So far, nothing yet; no baby. Some people sit there and watch for HRS, but I just go back and forth and check in. Giraffes apparantly lead very boring,dull lives; all they do is pace back and forth and stand around,and I guess so do I, since I’m staring at my computer screen for days waiting for a giraffe to give birth, so what can I say? I have no life,either.  The 15 YR old loves giraffes, like how I love hippos, and the more I look at April, I see truly what a beautiful animal she is and how magnificent giraffes really are, but of course I still like hippos more. I was thinking too: wouldn’t it be funny if she really wasn’t even prego and it’s actually just a social experiment, like a university Sociology class or something conducting an experiment to see how many people they can get to watch and how long they’ll hang on before they finally give up,and there’s someone laughing their ass off somewhere at all of us waiting and watching for a baby that will never actually arrive?

As well, the 17 YR old was at Niagara Falls all weekend with Cadets, and I went online to get my blood work results and everything’s normal except for the kidney function test,which shows I have mild kidney failure, likely caused by my high BP (even though I’m on medication for it) or my migraine medication which can cause kidney damage but I see the internal medicine doctor this week so he’ll decide what we do from here and I expect I’ll have to take my failing kidneys in for further testing….

My friend P also turned 50 and for her milestone birthday her boyfriend’s taking her on a cruise( and they just went to Mexico over Christmas,too!) and I got nothing special for my 50th but no one loves me and my family sucks, and in church yesterday my fave. priest was there so I went to Confession to prepare for Lent which starts this week, and there was this little kid sitting 3 rows ahead of me,too,and he kept  turning around and staring at me, probably thinking, I wonder if that’s a man or a woman? and Man, is she ever ugly! and the priest and in the bulletin they were asking us to donate more$$ as well even though the Church is rich and it made me feel bad because I’m so poor and I hardly even have $$$ to buy clothes or much of anything yet I still tithe 10% of my income yet it’s still not enough…

I’m also like that Ozzy Osbourne song Dreamer, ” I’m a dreamer, I dream my life away…” and I’m still hoping that one day my Prince will come, and maybe some day life will be worth living again if someone loves me.

Raw Birth.

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-23-pm Here are some pretty amazing birth photos from BoredPanda from a birth photo competition that show the raw power and emotion of birth. They capture the journey of bringing forth new life and the anticipation, pain, strength, exhaustion,endurance, love, support, bonding, relief, joy,elation, emotion,and  wonder of the miracle of birth.

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Gross Truths.

screen-shot-09-15-16-at-04-28-pm Have you ever read the truth about what really happens to your body when and after you give birth? All the true but gross details? Probably not. Well, I am here to enlighten you, a public service, if you will. All the pregnancy and birth books gloss over it, or maybe purposely leave it out as so not to scare you off or gross you out, and you probably wouldn’t want to believe it anyway, so here goes….

Contractions themselves feel like a tight belt of spikes facing inward being tightly squeezed around your middle and then the actual birth itself feels like your cooch is being pried open by a tire iron and the a blow torch being turned on. The baby’s head feels like a bowling ball and the birth itself feels like you’re shitting a football. If you want to know what it feels like, pull your lips back over your head, then you sort of get the idea. It’s not “discomfort” like the birthing books will try and tell you, it’s excruciating everlasting ungodly, unholy pain! It burns and it hurts! You are being stretched like never before, and your yoo-hoo will very likely( unless it’s made of elastic!) either tear or be cut and then be later stitched up, and when that happens it stings like a motherf*cker.

You are never fully prepared for your recovery after the baby is born. First of all, your belly looks like a big deflated balloon( as seen in the photo here), all stretched out, saggy,flabby, and just hangs there helplessly, sort of like a hot water bottle, or like a Shar-Pei dog, with all it’s wrinkles and folds. It’s a shocking, horrid sight that will literally bring you to tears, and no, it will not get much better unless, of course, you get a tummy-tuck. You will never get your body back the way it once was.

You will bleed like a stuck pig, and it can last for up to 6 weeks! I was shocked at how much blood there was, and standing up in the shower after the birth it just poured out of me like a faucet, and I even passed clots ranging in size from golfball-sized to fist-sized. It looked like my insides were falling out! I honestly thought I was bleeding to death there was so much  blood.I honestly don’t know how a person can possibly lose so much blood and still survive.I wish I had been prepared for how much you bleed after.

Afterpains. These get worse with each subsequent pregnancy, and it’s as the uterus contracts to shrink itself back down to normal size and also is triggered when the baby breastfeeds,and they can be quite painful, painful like contractions,and enough for Tylenol 3, and when you get them you can feel the blood gushing out of you as well. It’s just awful and one of those things they don’t tell you about.

Sitting down. Your bottom area will be sore for quite awhile after. It has been traumatized beyond measure and I wasn’t able to sit for literally a week afterwards with my first baby. I found that soaking in a tub of epsom salts for 30 minute periods helped, as did wearing a Tucks medicated pad, the same kind for hemmoroids.You can also make the same kind yourself by putting witch hazel on a maxi pad.

Bathroom function: It will burn when you pee for the first few days but I found that using a squeeze bottle with warm water on the area as you go pee is soothing and helps, and you will be constipated,too. I wasn’t able to shit for a good week. Your body is so traumatized it’s almost like it “forgot” how to shit! Take stool softeners and laxatives. My first shit was like a rock.

Breast-feeding. It may be natural but it’s not “easy”. It can even take up to 2 weeks for a baby to get the hang of latching on properly and it can be frustrating. When your milk comes in and your boobs are engorged(esp. first thing in the morning, but even if you go too long between feeds) and they will be hard, hot, heavy, veins bulging, sore, and leaking thru your shirt, and I mean really leaking; the front of your shirt will end up soaked! You will wake up in the mornings with 2 big round wet circles on the front of your shirt. I found wearing nursing pads( which fit in your bra) helped.

Sex: This is what got you into this mess in the first place, so you probably won’t be thinking about it for awhile and it’s likely the last thing on your mind with your broken body and your sleepless nights(you will feel like a prisoner of war you will be so sleep deprived with a newborn) but you must wait 6 weeks anyway for the body to heal and be warned: expect it to hurt the first time you do it after you’ve had a baby as the area will still be tender as it’s healing.