Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.



I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

Over The Mountain.


This song really resonates with me. I can really relate to it. You know how there’s just some songs that seem to be written for you?


As well, my hubby somehow programmed the Google Home device so that it won’t play Bob Marley anymore, so when I request it, it now says it doesn’t understand even though it used to play it no problem before. What an asshole. Just because he doesn’t like reggae he’s sabotaging it purposely so that I can’t listen to it even though he knows I love it but I found a way around it so I can still listen anyway. Nothing will stop my reggae, and especially NOT a controlling asshole like that. Who does he think he is,anyway? I can like, and listen, to whatever I want and he’s not the boss of me. I don’t have to do what he says! He can KISS MY HEMMOROID!! This isn’t even a marriage. It’s a prison sentence.

Happy Birthday Bob!

BMBday(new) Happy belated birthday to Bob Marley. It was actually yesterday, but I didn’t realize until now that yesterday was the 6th already. I know it’s on the 6th but I didn’t know it was the 6th already and that it had come and gone. Now I feel so badly. I know, I’m just so bad at remembering dates and days. Most of the time I don’t even know which day of the week it is.


Screen Shot 10-27-17 at 04.45 PM I wish I was pretty. Not only so that I wouldn’t be ugly but also because my entire life would have been completely different.  I would have been completely different. I would have fit in, belonged, not been ostracized and bullied, wouldn’t have always been the last one in school chosen for a lab partner in science, or for sides for teams in gym class or the last one asked to dance at a school dance, or worse; the only one left leaning against the wall left behind watching everyone else dance. Instead, I would have been one of the first ones chosen, not the last one always left, the least desired. I would have been desired, wanted, preferred, the first choice, popular, admired instead of rejected, liked instead of hated, included instead of bullied. It would have changed my life.

If I were pretty and not ugly I would have been asked out and desired as a mate, I would have had alot more opportunities and choices in life, not only for a mate but in all aspects in life. I wouldn’t be as held back or excluded because of my looks, but instead the world would open up to me; I’d get in ahead, or free, be invited, asked out,nominated, voted, go to the prom,get complimented, and any of the other many perks and various other ways that attractive people seems to breeze thru life and have things go their way and open up to them. I wouldn’t have been discriminated against, hated, rejected, not considered, last, ridiculed, bullied, overlooked,ignored, seen, treated and made to feel “less-than”, unworthy, worthless, inferior, second-class, and have everyone  always be out of my league because of my looks. I would have self-esteem and self-confidence. I would have been an entirely different person. I would have a chance to have happiness and find love.

The girls are also really excited as they got tickets for the Ed Sheeran concert in Toronto at the end of August next year and apparantly it was really hard to get them and they sold out quickly within minutes! I can still remember my first concert,too; I was 12 and it was REO Speedwagon and they were 90 minutes late coming in from the airport and there was a riot and people were throwing chairs and setting fires and it was really wild! Then they came and played for maybe less than half an hour and left. I’ve been to so many concerts since I couldn’t even count them. I just love music. Like Bob Marley said, Music is life.

33 YR Old Sea Breeze.

screen-shot-02-05-17-at-07-56-am-001 I came across a box of my old cosmetics and beauty products the other day, back from the 1980’s, when I was a teen, incl. the Sea Breeze face cleanser I had in 1984 when I was 17. That would make it 33 YRS old! Even older than my kids, even longer than I’ve known my hubby! It was still half-full,too, and when I opened it up and smelled it,that menthol, eucalyptus scent, it brought back so many happy happy memories that just came flooding back. I felt like I was 17 again, transported back into time, back to a happier place and a happier time. I put some on my face and scrubbed it in and washed it off like I did then and it almost seemed as though nothing had changed, even though one of my own kids is now that exact same age and when I look in the mirror….well, it’s not a 17 YR old that’s looking back at me anymore.What happened? Where did the time go?

Holy shit……I got old.

There were also others of my long-lost faves. from my teen YRS there,too, probably now no longer in existance, no longer made anymore, and that I haven’t seen in forever: Cachet body lotion, Charlie cologne, Love’s Baby Soft body spray( which smells like baby powder), Egyptian Earth loose bronzing powder, Jean Nate after bath body splash,and Kissing Potion lipgloss(oh, how I just loved that one, it tasted so good I would always lick it off!)……so many goodies that were such a big part of the 80’s and of my “beauty” regimen, and when re-discovered all these YRS later brought back such wonderful nostalgic memories. There were even some old eyeshadows and lipsticks in there too with the brushes all natty and disintigrating, and mascara all dried up, but when I opened it up and saw them all again it felt like Christmas.A blast from the past. Bring back the 80’s.


To celebrate Bob Marley’s birthday yesterday I also smoked a Big Fatty in honour of it and as a toast to him,as I’m sure millions of people all over the world were sparking up celebrating his birthday,  and as a result I suddenly became fascinated with the song Grease, rode along on sound waves of music notes, pretty much ate a whole chocolate cake, left my body,felt like I got permission to fly across the vast universe with what felt like huge purple butterfly-like wings, and thought it was raining indoors, in the bath, until I realized the shower had somehow accidently been turned on, and as for using weed my mother self-righteously huffed, “I don’t believe in it!” but God made the cannabis plant and in the Bible we are told that all plants are made for food, that is, to be consumed, and it didn’t say all plants except for the cannabis plant, and God made it for a reason, most likely medicinal, and besides, most drugs, remedies, and pharmaceuticals are made from plants,anyway!

We’re also supposed to get more of that awful freezing rain today(ugh!) and my friend’s son’s shoulder surgery went well yesterday as well, she was just upset that since he’s 18 they wouldn’t let her go back to the OR to see him off before they put him under, but everything went well and now he’s recovering.

A Birthday For Bob.

bmbdaynew Today is Bob Marley’s birthday!  He was born in 1945 which would have made him 4 YRS younger than my mother except that he died in his 30’s but his music and his legacy will always live on. I only wish I could have seen him in concert before he died like my friend W was lucky enough to (he even saw Peter Tosh,toothe lucky bastard!) but I was so young and I never got the chance. I guess like most great artists they aren’t truly appreciated until after they’re dead but I’ll light one up for him today. Happy Birthday Bob Mon! Let your light shine. You are eternal.

Yesterday was also the 19 YR old’s birthday and his birth( and pregnancy) was the most perilous ,worrisome,and stressful of them all, and he was born 6 weeks early, during that bad ice storm and he almost died so many times before, during, and after birth! The 13 and 15 YR olds are finally done at the dentist( for now,anyway) as well, having gone pretty well every week since before Christmas, for cavities and various other things, and the 15 YR old even had a couple of baby teeth that didn’t come out and her gums had grown all around and over them so they were removed and stitched up but there were no big teeth underneath! I also have that weird headache again that won’t go away so it will be interesting to see if another seizure is coming soon….is it a warning?

Of all the kids only one of them goes to church willingly on her own as well, the 20 YR old, without being told to,and the oldest might, although I’m not sure or not if he still does, but the others that have moved out no longer do and only 3 of them still at home do although I have to force them; if you live here, you go to church, and it breaks my heart that for the most part they’ve turned away from God and towards the world, and my fave. priest was there yesterday too so I did a Confession as you never know when you might die so this way I’m all set ,and as I confessed my penchant for sex toys since my mood stabilizers have caused me to gain weight and my hubby finds me repulsive and doesn’t bother with me anymore  I could tell that he felt badly for me and he said that it’s his loss and I “have a kind heart” and it’s “what’s inside that matters” which I thought was nice.

The 13 YR old also must somehow know that I sneak into her room at night when she’s asleep and give her a kiss ( the only  way I can even touch her or get near her) as I now noticed a new sign she put up on her bedroom door, directed at me, saying to not open the door and not go in and “bother” her as she’s either sleeping or busy…it breaks my heart; I try so hard but I just keep getting pushed away. I also missed my TV show again last night, 2 weeks in a row, last week because of some stupid beauty contest and this week because of redneck football, and I don’t even know who’s playing in the Super Bowl, which teams or which cities they’re from and I don’t care, I’m just tired of always missing my shows because of some stupid crap.Why does crap always pre-empt the good shows?

So Much.

screen-shot-11-08-16-at-08-25-am Me and my life are just like that Bob Marley song, “So Much Things To Say.” I just have so much that I have to say, that I wish I could not only post about in my blog(but have to censor or hold back because you never know who’s reading or for privacy reasons) but also that I am prevented from even talking about and expressing myself, my feelings, my worries, and my concerns. I don’t even have anyone to talk to anymore now that Patti’s moved away, and when I started unloading something to my mother she curtly cut me off and snapped, “Stop talking!!” as she didn’t want to hear about it, and so I have all these things built up inside me that I need to somehow unburden; dilemmas,decisions,plans,choices, questions, worries, uncertainties, anxieties, problems,feelings, etc. but no one that will listen, nowhere I can vent(I do on this blog but there still some things that are just too personal, too private, a possible security risk, or too “sensitive” and I’m not “allowed” to mention. “So Much Things To Say” yet no way to say them and no one to say them to.

screen-shot-11-08-16-at-06-41-pm With the American election yesterday my American friends were posting about it all over  the Internet and had alot of funny things such as the ones seen here, above and below, and it’s true, because no matter which won, America still loses!


After my dose of cannabis oil I also “saw” hippo-shaped clouds in the sky and  the Four  Horsemen Of The Apocalypse,  and I’m hoping that if reincarnation is real that I come back as a hippo; a fierce, majestic hippo, and nobody, I mean, nobody, messes with a hippo! I would also like to think that in Heaven that every dog you’ve ever loved comes running towards you to greet you,too.

Bob Marley Calendar.

screen-shot-11-01-16-at-11-20-am Even though I’ll have my hippo calendar(Christmas gift) for my bedroom wall I still wanted a Bob Marley calendar for the wall next to my computer at my computer desk in the rec-room. I have this little corner there with my computer, I liken it to my little “office space” and desk and I have a wall on the left side I can hang it so when my hubby was out I had him look for one for me and he said he did but that no one had any, not even the calendar kiosk in the mall which I found hard to believe, and he said to just order it online……so I checked it out…..except then with shipping the 17$ calendar quickly became a 27$ calendar…


So I decided to go to the mall( in a small town nearby) in the next couple of days and look myself  and see if I had any better luck, esp. since women are “keener” shoppers than men, plus, the kiosk may have had more deliveries since. Then my hubby decides right then and there “Hurry, up, let’s go!” “We’re going NOW!”(and said may NOT have time later) so I went,in a rush, problem was that it was 3 HRS after I’d ingested my cannabis oil and it was  starting to hit me hardboom! I suddenly found myself dazed, disoriented, confused, and lost in a mall that was small and that I knew well, but now I felt like a frightened toddler, who’d wandered off and gotten lost. I for the life of me couldn’t find stores I was looking for and had trouble finding stores I knew well, and kept going ’round and ’round back to the same places, and a few times I honestly thought I was going to pass out as well so I had to quickly sit down on a bench.I kept getting lost and on the verge of passing out.

Long story short,did end up finding the Bob Marley calendar myself, and it was at the calendar kiosk, afterall, and with tax it was just over 20$….sure alot better than 37$! I have to say that being high and alone disoriented at the mall was a scary experience though(it’s probably what having dementia must be like!),and in the van on the way there and back my hubby knewwas(Originally I wasn’t  supposed to go to the mall until 2 more days) as I was hallucinating, laughing at my own jokes, having trouble putting my shoes on, incl. putting one on the wrong foot, forgetful, and he referred to me as being “wasted” and made a snide remark about, “Can you afford to ‘fry’ any more brain cells?” so he obviously knew that I was , and I don’t think that he’d ever seen me high before(I always try to “time” it for when he’s not around but this time he popped a sudden surprise on me and changed it and my schedule). I think this was the first time he’s ever seen me high.

I Need This In My Life!!

screen-shot-10-29-16-at-11-58-am-001 Oh, my God I just love this so much and wish I could have it! It’s an amazing hand-made Bob Marley soft stuffed doll made by Tusy Toys in Russia. The problem is though that it costs 450$….waaaay out of my league, but isn’t it the most awesomest ( is that even a real word?) thing ever? They make the dolls of all sorts of musicians and they’re pretty big,too, but soooooo expensive. Too bad though. I need this in my life. If I had it, it would sit proudly on my bed, right on my pillows.

Add it to my Wish List.

The Awakening.

screen-shot-09-30-16-at-03-43-pm After I smoked weed I had an “awakening”: I was shown aspects of myself that even I never even knew existed, and was made aware of things about myself that even I didn’t know, and I “found” myself, and was given more in-depth “insight” into my inner-being and learned more about who I am, and what my purpose is. Some deep-held beliefs were let go and some new ones were adopted, mainly to be less judgemental and more loving. I’m going to love everybody.

Bob Marley was right: “When you smoke herb, it reveals you to yourself.”

I also chose to see the beauty around me, no matter what else is happening in my life. It’s like with a sinking ship; it’s not the water around the ship that sinks it, but rather the water that gets into it thru a leak that brings it down, so I am choosing to try to not let things bring me down and “sink” me. It’s sort of like that one YR we lived in this other small town and I hated it, much like how I hate living here. We did have a backyard though with a few lilac bushes… favourites….yet the entire YR that we were there and rented that house I never sat out in that yard even once or picked any of the lilacs to bring inside the house, I was so consumed with my own misery and engulfed in my own darkness I just couldn’t see the light or let it shine thru…..the beauty was right there, right in front of me to enjoy, but I didn’t see it, I didn’t “use” it.In my unhappiness God had sent me a small piece of beauty and I had over-looked it and wasted it.

I am going to see the beauty around me(and in me) I’m going to use it,and I’m going to be happy. I’m also going to be the person that God designed me to be, I’m going to love others, I’m going to try and love myselfthis one will be the hardest!) and accept myself for who God intended me to be, and let Him lead the way.I know He has a plan for my life and He isn’t finished with me yet.