Wilted.

Screenshot_16

This is one of my new sunflowers I just bought the other day, already wilted and droopy, dying. Usually they last longer, up to a week. When I saw this flower, it made me think how much it symbolizes me: how  I always feel so:

weary

droopy

sagging

defeated

downcast

broken

despairing

given up

wounded

life-beaten

worn

battle-scarred

wilted.

w

i

l

t

e

d

Iridescent.

Screenshot_1111 I am iridescent. Or at least I used to be. The Old Me, the inner me, the Gone Me. Inside I still am. Inside I still shine, I glitter, I am bright and shiny and loud. I’m brilliant and I glow. I am glamorous, I blossom and I bloom. I sparkle and I shine. I am glossy and multi-coloured. But the problem is that it’s stuck on the inside and the pain and trauma of my life keeps it hidden. It’s not able to shine. It can’t come out, express itself, be free, declare itself, let loose, shine, be magnificent, burst out, emerge, be seen, captured, or presented. It has been stifled, strangled, stomped on,blocked, hidden away, squashed, crushed, dimmed, diminished, put out, extinguished, dulled, tainted, darkened, held under, smothered, held down, held back, and trapped.It’s bursting to come out but it’s prevented.A lifetime of damage has held it hostage. It can’t be set free anymore; it’s forever hidden, never able to be let outside ever again.

racoonInTree My hubby also saw a raccoon last night out on the veranda at the garbage cans and then I saw this adorable cute baby one up in the tree and got this photo. I mean, how cute is this? I wonder if it’s the same one? They usually don’t come out until much later though, once it’s dark. The oldest also sent me an e-mail replying to my concern him and his brother are in a gang as my hubby had me panicking and worrying they were( they aren’t; he just wanted to upset me):

Hi.  We are coming home because a rival gang just ambushed us and burnt down our fortress.  We are bringing a few killers with us so you will be safe but we need you to please have Papa cut a hole in the basement wall so we can hide our loot.  Mostly it’s just cash, heroin, and a very valuable Staff of the Elder Tree with three sockets. After we get another tattoo we’ll be over.  See you soon.

Of all the kids he’s always been the one to make me laugh best. He’s always been outrageously funny.Our visiting cousins also went horseback riding and to Wonderland theme park and just as they were leaving got caught in a big storm with thunder, lightening and torrential rain. There were reports of funnel clouds as well and it makes me laugh to think that to them that we’d be considered the foreign relatives,too, when that’s how we see them. Like with everything, it’s all perspective!

The Ceiling.

ceiling1 We’ve had a leak in the ceiling in the second floor hallway for awhile now, coming down thru the ceiling fan/light, even when it’s not raining. At first I thought it must be the roof leaking, like we have in the kitchen but now it makes more sense it’s more likely coming from the third floor bathroom(probably the toilet, like what happened at our old house in Toronto and the entire kitchen ceiling came crashing down) just like the 15 YR old suspected. We’d had towels there to mop it up, not a pail to catch the drips as it covers such a wide spread area no bucket is big enough to cover the leaking area. The paint had also been peeling there from the wetness and it’s stained.

I noticed just today a square-shaped crack and said it looks like it’s going to come crashing down,and guess what….less than an hour later it did, right on top of my hubby as he had the ladder up there to disconnect the fan/light after he cut the power. The fan ,mud and debris from the ceiling rained down on him onto his back and arms but luckily not his head. He doesn’t even have any cuts or scrapes, he’s just dirty and smells like sewage and had to have a shower. The photo here shows the hole in the ceiling….

ceiling2 …and this one shows the mess that fell below on the floor. So now we have to call a plumber and whoever else to repair not only the leak( my hubby saw a hole in a rotting drain pipe) but also to fix the ceiling hole…..another expense we can’t afford. Something bad ALWAYS happens to us in May every year so I guess this year this is it; the expense of the plumbing and ceiling repair. My hubby thought it was losing his job last month, just a month early but I warned him, no, it wasn’t instead of; it was as well as; that something else was still coming in May…

As well, I saw the gastro doc that removed my colon polyp, for a 6 month follow-up and she said if the ulcer meds don’t heal up my presumed returned ulcer in 2 weeks she’ll do another scope to see what’s going on; if it’s returned or what else’s causing the pain,and she said my polyp was bleeding so much they had to put a clamp on it too when generally they just stitch it,and it puts me at a much higher risk for colon cancer as well so I have to have the colonoscopy re-done every 3 years. I still have that stabbing pain behind my left eye as well with my headache and explosive diarrhrea too that spews out with such explosive force it would rival that volcano in Hawaii. I also had a dream I was dying and my last words were, Look at them! They’re so beautiful! and my mother asked, What? What do you see? and I answered, Sunflowers! There are thousands of them! As far as I can see!

I wonder as well when you die and find yourself on the Other Side  if it’s like when you suddenly and abruptly awake up after an anesthetic after surgery, disoriented and unaware of where you are and are trying to get your bearings and find where you are , what time it is, what’s going on, where you exist in that time, etc. until you hear a reassuring voice, It’s ok, you’re in the hospital. You’re awake now in the recovery room. Your surgery went well  and then you remember where you were and why you were there, and then pain sears thru you and you realize it all, but at first you open up your eyes completely unaware of your surroundings and what’s going on, and how much time has passed.You’re only aware that you exist, but not in what context.

Last night I also woke up in bed during the night and I gazed out my bedroom window I could see at eye-level what appeared to be 2 bright stars, just 2, which is unusual as there’s normally more, and to have them so low, at eye’level from my bed,too, it made it feel like they were there just for me, twinkling, as if God was reassuring and reminding me, I’m here. I love you and care for you and am watching over you. and I just stared at them, mezmerized, in deep thoughtful prayer and contemplation, for what seemed like forever, and then I realized they weren’t really even stars afterall but rather just a light shining off the big tree in front of my window, bouncing off the window pane glass, reflecting in the moonlight, but it looked so convincing, so real, and maybe part of it was all just my imagination, but it was nice either way, whatever it was.It also goes to show how perception is everything and how your perspective can change even though the situation still remains the same.

It happened again a couple of other times during the day as well; I was outside and I thought I saw pussywillows on one of our tree branches, bringing back happy memories of my childhood when I used to pick them and bring them home and put them in a vase, and I haven’t seen them in years but I loved them as a kid, but it turned out at closer inspection it was really actually just unfurled baby leaves that were curled up so tight they looked like it, and from my window in the morning it looked like there were tiny little sunflowers all over the tree at the front which I knew was a hallucination and wasn’t real, for one thing sunflowers don’t grow on trees and it’s not the right season for them(I’m planting them in my garden this year BTW), and I hadn’t had any weed, so it wasn’t that…..it’s just me losing my mind, but it brought back happy memories and made me happy and smile so there’s nothing wrong with it and no harm was done.

I also had another happy childhood memory come back where I was at camp with 3 of my friends and we were spinning around on the big tire swing tied to the big old oak tree,trying to get shade ,relief from the beating down heat of the summer sun, trading our Charlie’s Angels cards, eating ice cream, and discussing the new Carrie movie,and I even remember what I was wearing,too: ponytails, a plaid Holly Hobbie blouse that I had undone the last 1-2 buttons from the bottom and tied up into a knot, the fashion of the day, white terrycloth shorts, knee-high socks,and my striped Adidas running shoes. I was so happy then. I wish I could get it back again. I wish I could be that girl on the swing.I enjoyed life. I wish I could feel like I did that day on the swing. I wish I could get that feeling back again. I miss her. I miss me. I miss living. I miss being happy.

I also saw this one, lone, withered, dried up leaf left on a tree branch where all the other new buds have appeared and are opening up, and it’s barely holding on, just clinging there by a thread, not letting go but almost there, with just a small breeze it will be carried off and be free , flying and floating off, and I feel like that leaf; just barely holding on, desperately clinging, ready to let go, just waiting for a strong breeze to lift me up and carry me away, for my opportunity to arrive, for my time to come when I can finally let go and in a whisper just be released and drift away.

The 15 YR old had a good birthday yesterday and I’m glad.One thing I also miss about the closeness we once shared but that has been lost now is that we both had a shared love of hippos. They were both of our fave. animals and I still love them but she doesn’t. Now she even says she hates them. I realize, of course, that people grow up, they change, and they don’t always like the same things they once did, but this was one of our shared special things, something we bonded over and now it’s gone,too,and it symbolizes a common shared interest that I’m now alone left with, and I feel almost “abandoned”, just like I do  ever since she’s pushed me away. It just broke my heart and was the critical point in breaking me(as well as when she broke herself,too; it just gutted me) and when she withdrew from me,shut me out, and stopped loving me  it caused me to just withdraw from life completely and just drop out and give up. That was the final shove that pushed me completely over the edge. I just love her so much and losing her just tore me apart.I still pray every single day that I get her back…..

 

 

The Shape Of Water.

shapeOfWater “He doesn’t know what  I lack or how I am incomplete. He sees me for what I am, as I am. He’s happy to see me every time, every day.” This is a quote from the movie The Shape of Water. It sounds like how I feel. It’s like how my dog feels about me and how God sees me and the kind of love I long for and look for with another person. I am lonely and longing and need to be loved but due to my looks, my medical issues, everything I lack it holds me back and I live a lonely miserable life. It was the same for Elisa, the main character in the movie. She was plain-looking, mute, a timid little mouse with a boring job( cleaning lady) and a boring monotonous life. She only had 2 friends; a neighbour and a co-worker.She craved love and affection just like I do, like we all do.

My mother and I have this tradition where every year we watch the Academy Award winning movie of the year even though we never watch the actual awards show. This year’s winner was The Shape of Water and even though I thought it sounded dumb; the idea of a woman falling in love with a sea creature (it was captured and held in a secret gov’t lab where she works and she befriended it and was horrified how it was being abused and mistreated and hatched a plan to free it and they fell in love) but I watched it anyway and it turned out to be much more than that. It showed that the need and longing for love is universal and that love is where you find it. It gives “incomplete” people hope that there really is someone out there that can look beyond the outside appearance, what society sees as unattractive, undesirable, worthless, damaged, incomplete, not “worth” loving, always being over-looked, cast aside, ignored and rejected and see the inside, something worth loving.Even 2 “misfits” can find eachother and find love. You also see how love and being loved and giving love transforms her. That’s what I want,too. Maybe there is some hope,afterall? This movie inspires me.

As well, I’ve had bad stomach pain for the past few days, so either my liver again or my stomach ulcer, and it feels like a gnawing pain,and I’m so tired my eyes sting and they were really itchy too as well as all over, likely jaundice from my liver, and when I told my hubby we need more $$$ as we’re really struggling he told me to go get a job when he knows that with my medical issues I can’t, plus I have no skill or experience in anything and I don’t work well with people, and then there’s also my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia….and I found out that the $$$$ I get I pay the same that he does each month(he also pays for the kids’ lessons and the van expenses) towards family expenses( my contribution pays the bills, for example and some of the groceries) and he has a job so I think I’m doing pretty well considering, and he also snarked I could help out but I’m done with this family; they treat me like shit, no one ever helps me, no one shares, they bully, berate, belittle,insult, and emotionally abuse me. They exclude me and push me away. They make me feel like an unwanted burden. I’m done. I gave up on them a long time ago. I’m finished. I’ve washed my hands of them and dropped out of life. I’ve had enough. I just don’t give a shit anymore. They’ve broken me.I’m done.

Levi.

Screen Shot 10-23-17 at 04.43 PM Two houses down from us there’s a 4 year old boy named Levi. He’s just the cutest, most joyful, happy, cheerful little kid you’ll ever meet. He’s always happy, smiling and laughing and so full of life, so full of joy,and every time I walk by walking Buddy and he’s playing in his yard or walking to the school bus with his sister he always cheerfully greets me with a smile and a warm hello and a Have a good day! and it just warms my heart. He’s such a sweet kid and I wish he could stay like this forever and never lose his joy, his innocence, his cheer, his happiness, his love of life. I wish I could somehow bottle his innocence and his enthusiasm and wish that he never loses his childlike innocence and peace but sadly I know in time that he will. Once the world gets to him and he grows up and meets more people and sees how the world really works and that it’s not really a safe place and not everyone is nice or can be trusted he will become jaded and damaged, just like the rest of us.

Sadly as he gets older he will lose his joy, his innocence, his zest for life, his wonder, his optimism, his smile, his sunny disposition, his cheerfulness, his excitement, his joy of being alive, his trust, his feeling of security, his carefree days, etc… because in time he will soon learn that people will deceive him, they will use him, they will lie to him, they will betray him, they will reject him, they will hurt him, they will cheat him, they will harm him, they will rob him, etc.. and he will be jaded and broken and his childhood innocence, joy, wonder,and cheer will be gone,and I just think that’s the saddest thing ever. Too bad he can’t stay like this forever. Too bad we all couldn’t. I wish I could go back to the way I was then,too. I used to be happy and unjaded once,too.

As well, my Facebook friend with cancer died yesterday so that’s now 4 Facebook friends of mine that have died; 3 of those from cancer and the other from a heart-attack, and all were in their 50’s except for one who was in her 70’s.,and I think yesterday might also have been my last day to sit outside as it has been really mild lately, like 20 C which is really nice for the end of October but from today onward it’s cooling down, like to 12 C or even cooler, plus rain, but I was lucky to be able to get out and enjoy as long as I did but I’m still sad it’s come to an end.Now I’m going to feel like a prisoner cooped up inside all the time and winter here is long,too, like 5 months!!.

We also couldn’t find the rest of the pumpkin cheesecake(only 2 slices had been eaten) and we were looking for it for breakfast and my mother accused the 23 YR old of eating it all,which it turned out he did, and then she tried to use that to “justify” the Arby’s sandwich thing (where she wouldn’t give any to him even though she did to everyone else, they got 2 each, so I gave him one of mine because I felt badly for him) and sneered to me, Don’t you regret giving him your Arby’s burger now? and I replied, No; it was still the right thing to do; it’s not right to leave someone out. She really is a piece of work. My God, that woman really gets on my nerves!

The Roofer.

Screen Shot 10-22-17 at 07.04 PMWe found a roofer to come look at our leaking roof. We had called 3 of them but they never called us back  but there was a guy working on the roof across the street so my hubby went over there and asked them about it and it turns out it’s the woman’s father who’s a retired roofer and he does do flat roofs so he came over and took a look at it. He says he thinks he should be able to just patch it not too expensively but he has to clear thru a bunch of debris and crap on top first to get a better look at it and then give us an estimate and said if we pay cash we won’t have to pay tax which will save $$$$,and weird too; he looks alot like my hubby’s brother! He’s going to come back later sometime and get a better look and I hope it’s soon as it’s supposed to rain most of the week….

As well, my abdomenal pain’s been bad for the past 2 days and my head still hurts at the back when I touch it from when I fainted and fell and hit it hard on the floor nearly 4 weeks ago,too, so I must have fractured my skull for it to still hurt this long,and it was a reaaalllly hard hit with an enormous thud! and it also really hurt like hell. I was honestly quite surprised it wasn’t cracked open completely at the back and that I wasn’t laying in a big pool of blood; that’s what I was expecting actually given the impact and the pain; I reached back to feel and I was expecting blood everywhere and I was surprised there was none but it could have all been internally. My mother also says her pulled muscle is the most painful thing ever and rated it a 10/10 on the pain scale but she’s never really experienced real pain though to compare it to; her labour was easy and only 4 hours and she says “wasn’t that bad”, she’s never had a migraine and rarely even gets headaches, and she’s never been carved open and had any body parts taken out, or had gallbladder attacks; she’s lucky and has no idea what real pain is like!

My hubby also tried to excuse and justify the way he and the kids always provoke, mock, ridicule, insult, bully, pick on, put down,and harrass and torment me as just a “joke” “teasing” a “game” and I “can’t take a joke”, etc.. except it’s NOTjoke; it’s NOT funny; it’s bullying, mean, cruel, hurtful,and at my expense, and to a sensitive soul like myself that’s been bullied my entire life it’s even more hurtful and I’m even more affected and broken by it and they know it; that’s why they do it, to hurt me and destroy me, and not only am I physically  not well but my spirit is broken as well and I think that’s likely why I’m not able to heal and just basically gave up on life,and  I basically wait each day hoping to die for so long that now I’ve forgotten how to live and I can’t even remember the last time I smiled…. 😦

My mother also got a bunch of these little Arby’s sammiches and gave everyone 2 each but none at all for the 23 year old(because she doesn’t like him) and then hid them on him so he wouldn’t find them and not get any which I thought was really mean, to give to everyone except one person and to leave someone out like that, so I gave him one of mine because it’s just not fair and it’s not right, and I’m usually the one left out and I know how it feels. It’s just wrong and mean,and then she gets all mad at me for “ratting her out” and says he never would have known otherwise; totally clueless to the fact that she was the one in the wrong and deserved to be called-out on it, and I always see this old guy sitting on his porch across from church and he talks to me as I walk by every week and yesterday he goes cheerily, There’s my favourite Sunday lady!” which made me smile and I imagined if he was my husband he’d be nice to me, unlike my hubby,and he’d treat me nicer than my hubby does at least; pretty much anybody would, except for maybe a pimp, because pimps are known for beating up women. I have to get out of this toxic environment, but how? I don’t even know the first steps to take…

 

Sensitive.

Screen Shot 08-26-17 at 06.58 PM  Due to a lifetime of always being bullied, picked on, criticized, victimized, abused, hated, taunted, rejected, ridiculed, and excluded it had made me very sensitive and fragile. Hippos are normally thick-skinned but not this one. I have a very thin skin and so now every criticism hits me really hard and I have a really hard time with it because it’s all I’ve ever had my entire life, hate, blame, criticism, never being good enough, never measuring up, always failing, always struggling but never being good enough, always falling short, always messing up no matter how hard I try, etc…and my Asperger’s and Bipolar only complicates things and makes it even worse. My best way to try and avoid being hurt is trying to stay away from people and situations that will likely cause trouble and to avoid conflict and stay away from people.

Generally people can take a bit of criticism and it just rolls off their back but for me it’s devastating as it’s just yet one more on top of many,many others,piling up, never ending,drilled into my head,non-stop, that keep on reminding me what a failure I am, how worthless and useless I am, and it’s hard NOT to take it personally when it is directed at me,too, such as You always make everything worse! You keep doing the same stupid things over and over! You’re so stupid! You’re the problem! No one loves you! No one cares what you think! which is a small sample of some of the things my family have said to me. It really breaks my spirit, shatters my heart and crushes my self-esteem. I’ve been put down and constantly told that I’m worthless, stupid, useless, and that no one loves me or wants me around, and then they wonder why I’m so broken, fragile, and sensitive to criticism? You know, people, a little bit of kindness, compassion, love, support, and understanding  go a long way.

As well, it seems ever since the 18 YR old got back from camp that she’s more “distant” from the 14 and 16 YR old, that she doesn’t spend time with them like she used to and doesn’t hang out with them as much anymore, almost as if she’s “outgrown” them, or thinks she’s too “old” now or too “cool” now to hang out with the younger kids, but I guess it will make it easier for them when she leaves for school next week at least. I also caught the 14 YR old trying to hide food at her meals; once trying to hide part of her muffin in the muffin wrapper or “skin” by wrapping part of it up  hidden in there and leaving it behind on the table only I saw it( she forgets that I used to be a kid once too and I know all the tricks for hiding and disposing of disgusting and unwanted food, mostly beans,broccoli, and Brussels sprouts) , and my mother found part of her bagel with cream cheese on it from her snack stuck to the kitchen floor as well although that could also have been from when she stuck it to the side of the dog,too, and it fell off. Don’t ask.

My friend J in Ottawa is also on vacation and going to Vegas like he always does and he retires soon too just like my friend I did as they both work for the gov’t and you can retire after 25 YRS and get a good pension and then still go on to find another job somewhere else in the private sector. Most of my friends in Ottawa work for the gov’t, actually, and  there when someone says they work for the gov’t no one ever asks what they do, what dept. or for more details; they just leave it at that because lots of times they’re not allowed to say.It’s just understood. Lots of secrecy and cloak and dagger stuff. Classified and all that. Everyone just “works for the gov’t”. No one really knows doing what.