Final Post. :(

Screenshot_1057 I’m tired of my blog  being monitored, censored, edited, and deleted by assholes in my shitty family, most likely my hubby, since I know for a fact that he does monitor everyone’s Internet activity, incl. getting copies of everything of everyone’s e-mail , plus he’s in the computer business and can go thru backdoors and hack in and get around passwords and other security measures to access accounts and censor ,alter,and delete stuff so I suspect it’s most likely him doing it, always trying to exert power, dominance, control and “punishment” over me, but he’s also taught the kids how to hack as well so it could be any of them, but regardless it makes me feel violated, betrayed, under siege, threatened, unsafe, and angry, so this will be my last post on this blog.

I’m sick and tired of my toxic family and their sabotage and I’m taking away this opportunity for them to destroy something I love so in order to protect it I’m going to let it go. Anyone that matters still will find a way to keep in touch and be able to find me. My family follows this blog, knows about it,tries to censor and limit what I say, interfere,and I don’t feel like I have free speech so I have to find another  secret outlet where I can freely speak my mind and express myself that they won’t know about.They’re never going to shut me up or control me. It’s sad though as I’ve been dedicating myself 10 years to this blog and I enjoy it, put alot of work, time and effort into it and really enjoyed it, but once again my toxic family has ruined something else for me.

 

Screenshot_1058 So I leave you with these last final thoughts:

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Thanx for reading.

Unlovable.

Screenshot_987 I have always felt my entire life that I must truly be unlovable, that I must have some defect, something lacking, something that makes me unworthy of being loved, some character flaw, something, that prevents people from being able to love me as all my life I have always been rejected, excluded, abused, victimized, betrayed, used, taken advantage of, bullied, overlooked, inferior, less-than, etc. and the only one that actually loves me is my dog; others just tolerate me and have to co-exist with me, but no one else really loves me, cares about me, or gives a rat’s ass if I live or die, and they never really have.Even when I think I do have friends; people I like, care about,get close to,and think I can trust they always end up getting tired of me anyway after awhile and with my unfortunate looks I’ve never been able to attract guys and even my own mother admitted to me once that she never loved me and my father left when I was 2 and I never saw him again.

Growing up with my own mother she bought me everything I wanted but wasn’t home much and didn’t spend much time with me, and  my grandparents weren’t what you’d call “affectionate”; I’d visit them regularly but they’d never hug or kiss me, they were very reserved, and I was that lonely odd kid in school who was always isolated, bullied and never fit in, and I never dated; my hubby was my only boyfriend, and I ended up in an unhappy marriage, longing for the lost love I never got to experience but still long for, and ever since I had my own kids my mother has become really controlling and interfering and our relationship has been destroyed, and my own kids have distanced themselves from me now,too…it just feels like no one ever stays around or likes me for too long, like I “repel” people once they really get to know me….

Like I’m unlovable.Like no one can ever love me.Like I’m not ever meant to be loved.

I don’t know whether it’s due to my Asperger’s, my bipolar, or what, but it feels like there must be something about me, my personality, my character traits, my limitations, my aura, my beingness, my influence, my presence, my existance, that just seems to turn people off and turn people away, and that makes me unworthy of love, unable to be  loved. Just….unlovable. At least that’s the way I’ve been treated my entire life makes me feel.

It’s a very lonely existance.

Unhappy Hippo.

Screenshot_945 You know how we had to turn our clocks back an HR for the fall time change? I had made sure the ones that didn’t self re-set were switched before I went to bed and then when I got up yesterday at 7 am I’d taken Buddy out, had my breakfast and had my bath, and I glanced at the time and it said it was already 8:45 and I thought, Oh, my God! How could it possibly be so late already? when usually it would have only taken about 30 minutes, and I wondered if maybe I’d spent alot longer on our walk or in my bath than I’d realized or something….then I really had to haul ass and get everyone up for breakfast and church on time… How can it be this late already?

When I called the 15 YR old down for breakfast my mother said It’s only 7:45! It’s too early! so I thought Maybe the time on my computer is just wrong then? Maybe it didn’t self-set last night? so I went around the house checking all the other clocks,too, seeing what the actual real time was. I checked my iPod, the stove, the microwave,the TV, and Google Home….but Google Home wasn’t working,and all the clocks except the iPod still said 8:45 so I figured if just my iPod said 7:45 and all the others all said 8:45 then they must all be right and the iPod must be the one that didn’t self re-set, and so it must really be 8:45 afterall. Just to be sure though I posed on Facebook saying I wasn’t sure what time it was and within seconds a cousin replied and said it was….

7:45.

….What the?????

Screenshot_946 So, let me get this straight: the iPod was actually right all along and all the others were wrong. Then I later find out it was a prank. My hubby and the kids were just mind-f*cking me again, messing with me, playing with my head, playing a trick on me to confuse and befuddle me so I wouldn’t know what time it was, get confused, and end up waking everyone up an hour early(which I did.) They had re-set all the clocks(except for my iPod which I guess they forgot) back again to the old time(and disabled Google Home) so when I got up I’d just think it was the new time, the correct time and not know what the real time actually was.

I don’t know why they always like confusing me and making me crazy.They seem to think it’s funny taking advantage of my forgetfulness but I’m tired of always being the butt of their jokes all the time, and then when I tell them to lay off they blame me and accuse me of being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke; my hubby’s classic excuse trying to justify his constant ill-treatment, insults, put-downs, bullying, and tormenting of me. Also: this also goes to show that the majority might say one thing and there’s this one sole one all on his own saying something completely different and the majority isn’t always right, like the iPod; it was the only one that said 7:45 but it was the one that had the actual time.

As well, for the past 2-3 weeks or so the bottom of my left heel(that’s also the same leg I had the blood clot, big bruise, and that  still always feels tired, achy and sore, swollen and puffy) really hurts and it’s getting worse, so bad now I can’t even step on it.I asked my hubby if he would massage or reflexology it for some relief but he refused; he doesn’t want to touch me because I’m fat and gross. I wonder if it’s arthritis or something, esp. since I haven’t injured it, or if I do have cancer( and I actually do expect the cervical cancer test to come back positive…) maybe it has something to even do with that? Perhaps it’s spread? (I wonder how my toxic family will feel then too if it turns out I do have cancer and here they are they’re always hassling me for always laying around, being so tired, resting so much and sleeping so much….)

Buddy also did this shit that worries me,too: it was a gelationous reddish-pink congealed thing, and looked like it had tiny pieces of flesh in it,indicating bleeding, and I hope just something he ate that disagreed with him and not internal bleeding; that he’s not dying or something; he’s my whole world; my only friend and the only one that loves me. If I lose him I’ll have nothing. Nothing left anymore. Nothing to live for. Nothing to keep me going. I’ll just be so lost, lonely,and desolate.

I’m Back!

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For the past couple of months I’ve let my natural shit brown and grey hair grow back in after I went back to my Buzz-cut at the end of the summer (I’d had it dyed platinum blonde before) giving me a bit of break(and expense!) for awhile from having to dye my hair every 3 weeks(because it’s so short and the colour gets cut off quickly) but then I got tired of all the grey and how old it made me look and feel so  today I dyed it back to blonde again, as seen here, and now I feel like my old self again(almost) and as the process was complete and I dried my hair with the towel and removed it to see the final end result I looked at myself in the mirror and announced, I’m back! I’m still ugly and I always will be but at least I don’t look as old now without the grey!

I also often have these nightmares that I can’t find Buddy, which I think is my fear of losing him because I just love him so much and he means so much to me; he’s my entire world, and last night I had another dream he was paralyzed in his hind legs and was also blind and when I was looking all over for him,calling for him and couldn’t find him a voice called out to me, He knows The End is near and he wants to go off by himself and it scared me so much that I woke up out of my sleep in a panic covered in sweat and panting in fear and actually calling him out loud in real life and much relieved to wake up and realize it was only a dream and he was curled up sleeping safely under the covers beside me. I cuddled him close and told him that no matter what may come in his old age ( he turns 13 in February) I will walk beside him thru his journey and I will never leave him, and I will be there for him right up to the end and will never abandon him, although I still hope he outlives me as he’s my everything; my only love, joy,and happiness in life,and I don’t even want to live in a world without him in it.

I can’t believe either today’s exactly 2 months until Christmas and I still haven’t even accepted the fact yet that summer is over and I’m still working on trying to accept that it’s fall and am only getting there in small steps, bit by bit; I don’t even want to think about winter yet, and it’s so cold now when I go out walking Buddy there I am out there wearing my wool sweater and hat and I saw the mail carrier wearing shorts and it was 5 C but felt like 1 C and I could have sworn I even saw a snow flurry! The 17 YR old also snickered cruelly to me, All you do is lay on the couch and get fat; I’m surprised you’re not an alcoholic,too! which was uncalled for, very hurtful and mean and she seems to forget that I spent more than half my life raising and homeschooling my large brood of kids, over 25 years (although the girls and my hubby sneer I don’t work and don’t have a job because I don’t get paid, devaluing my vocation) which is no easy task and is lots of work, and now I’m older and my health is poor and I have lots of medical issues, not to mention my brokenness from trauma and beaten down from life and now I have to slow down take it easy and rest.

I’m not young anymore and no longer have the health or stamina that I used to or the abilities that I once did and it would nice for them to have a little understanding, compassion and kindness instead of insults and ridicule,and it’s hard enough raising kids as it is, but my depression, Asperger’s and bipolar makes the challenging job of parenting even more difficult (I get it that having a bipolar and autistic mother can’t be easy but it’s not easy for me,either, having to live that way,and with it, or trying to raise a family with it, but I tried my best,and I didn’t even knowhad it until after I already had the kids, otherwise I never would have)and a little support would be nice. My family sucks.Then they wonder WHY I want to run away from home.

Ganja Liberation Day!!

Screenshot_701 After being illegal for the past 95 years (other than medical marijuana being legal for 15 years, like what I have for the past 3 years now)  weed is now finally legal here in Canada! It has now finally, at long last, been legalized for recreational use. Even before this country was already one of the highest consumers of weed (we’re a nation of potheads, ha,ha) only it was underground so now the real only difference is that people will be more open about it and not so secretive, no longer having to hide from the police, but can now do it openly and not have to hide anymore. My hubby and the girls look down on me for my medical marijuana use though, even though it’s all but eliminated my migraines, that were so bad I’d generally have them pretty much daily, and lasting weeks on end, with my longest lasting for 33 days straight. Weed has been a lifesaver for me and there’s no way I’d ever go back tot he suffering and torture I had with my migraines like I had before.

My family acts like I’m some sort of junkie though, like some kind of crack addict or something, even though I don’t even take my prescribed daily dose, which is 2 gm, because I can’t afford it; I don’t have the $$$$$ to be able to take it that often or to buy that much, so I ration it and make do with less taking a much lower, less frequent amount, but I have been prescribed 2 gm daily, spread out twice a day, the equal of 2 joints daily. Then the question remains: what is the difference though, between an addiction and a habit or routine? How can you tell if one is addicted or if it’s just a part of your daily routine, such as with any other daily prescribed medication you take, or even vitamins; you take them every day, and you depend on them and need them, in order to stay healthy and yet no one accuses you of being an addict or a junkie, yet once that medication is marijuana everyone suddenly gets all judgemental…

I’m also utterly lost and confused that for the past 2 years or so all 5 of the girls have all been shunning, blacklisting and ignoring the Edmonton Boys (the oldest, who just turned 29 yesterday, and the 20 year old) and yet when I ask no one will tell me why or give me an answer. They’re their brothers and yet they’ve shut them out of their lives completely and don’t even talk to them…..but why? There must be a reason, but when I ask they won’t tell me saying they don’t remember, it doesn’t matter, or when I ask one of them they’ll tell me to go ask the other and vice-versa, so no one’s telling me anything, and the only hint might be is the 17 YR old said they use and sell drugs so we don’t associate with them and they’re “beneath” us,  and the 23 YR old said they put up a SnapChat video of them snorting Ketamine, which is a horse tranquilizer and is used in anesthesia during surgery… and then he said the oldest’s been selling drugs since he was in highschool and then chided me for how could you not have noticed or known? and when I said I had no idea he goes, That’s because you didn’t ask…. except I do ask…..but nobody ever tells me anything! He criticized me for “not noticing” but if nothing looks suspicious why would I and if they’re good at hiding, keeping secrets,sneaking around, and covering for one another how would I notice or have any idea that anything was wrong? I’m not a mind reader, afterall! Excuse me for trusting my kids when I never thought there was any reason not to.

Until now that is.

So then there’s also this: what’s true and what’s not. The kids also have a history of causing drama, of causing trouble, of making up stories, holding grudges, making big things out of little things, playing mind-games with me, playing on my worries,setting eachother up,lying….is any of that even true, about the drugs I mean, and is that why they’ve shut them out of their lives, or was it just over some stupid little disagreement or something and they’re holding a grudge? My mother wonders if maybe they’re gay or something but even if so that’s still no reason to dis-own them and cut them out of their lives and social circle, so I wonder what it could be? Did someone do something so bad ( I can’t imagine what, like stealing or something maybe?) that got them banished, or was it all just a stupid misunderstanding of some sort, or an over-reaction, a dumb grudge, did they have a fight, take “sides” over some issue that divides them, or what? All the 15 YR old would say is it’s sibling stuff.

It bothers me though how they’ve just cut them out of their lives like that, and not even telling me why; I wish they’d just make up and make peace and end their feud, whatever caused it. The 23 YR old said I need to work on my relationships and that’s true as due to my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia I know I don’t relate to, connect with, bond with, socialize well, etc. with people easily, well, and can appear distant but I do still care and it makes me sad to see that some of my kids are feuding and shunning others.It hurts me as well that they always keep stuff from me, even important stuff, even though I am the mother and I do have the right to know what my kids are up to and esp. if anyone is struggling in any way and needs help, like with the 15 and 20 year olds when they went thru their mental health crisis; the other kids knew but no one told us, delaying treatment. Their UsVSThem mentality can be very harmful.

What I Don’t Miss.

Screenshot_222 What I don’t miss with my hubby, 17 YR old and 15 YR old away for their 4 day adventure in Toronto over the holiday weekend is the constant put-downs and reminders of how stupid I am, always being mind-f*cked, and being compared to a derelict junkie in some sort of crack house or something just because I take several legal prescription medications,incl. medical marijuana. I need them though in order to get thru each day and to cope with my myriad medical issues  and they’re all for legitimate medical issues, such as migraines, ulcers, high BP, IBS, depression, bipolar, bad fluid retention, etc. and none of them are addictive. My mother also does as well yet for some reason they choose to only target me and to act like, treat me like, and look down on me and be condescending and insulting to me like I’m sort sort of low-life junkie skid row drug addict, and every time I say or do something they deem to be stupid( which is pretty much all the time) they’ll look at eachother with this knowing look, shake their heads, laugh and say things along the lines of, What are you on or Is today a weed day?  and Can never have an intelligent conversation…etc. It really hurts my feelings when they treat me like this and talk to me and about me this way, and I certainly don’t miss that! It’s actually quite nice having a few days without being always told what a loser I am.

Speaking of their adventure, a friend asked me why I didn’t go to the Ed Sheeran concert with the 19 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old, but is he kidding? Ed Sheeran? Really? I’d rather cut my ears off than subject myself to having to listen to that pussy crap. As an experiment I also left out food on a plate on the floor overnight to see if the “creature” would eat it and it was still there again in the morning…..so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s just been a prank all along, that my family has just been mind-f*cking me the entire time, by throwing the food out and just having me think there’s some sort of animal loose in the house but now they’re not here overnight they can’t do it anymore? Knowing them it wouldn’t surprise me, and they’re always playing on my worries, fears, insecurities, paranoia and suspicions,etc. which have gotten worse lately, but I’ve always had a suspicious nature, though, even as a kid; as far back as I can remember, likely due to my life and the traumas I’ve endured it’s “conditioned” me to be that way, along with my Asperger’s and Bipolar. It’s also made me emotionally distant, hard to trust people and “warm” to people, highly anxious, and struggling thru life thru a dark cloud always hanging over me.

My BFF(since we were 12) also surprised me by calling me last night as I haven’t heard from her in ages. I have her on Facebook but she’s really busy running her restaurant all on her own, but yesterday she had a slow time, a break in-between customers so she called me up,and it makes me wonder as well if maybe I really am dying soon too and she had a “feeling” and wanted to talk to me one last time before I die( and she did ask how I was doing health-wise) as our bond and connection is so strong. I’ve always loved her, ever since we were 12. I love her like a sister. In any case, it was nice to hear from her again and it was a nice surprise. I’ve always admired her sunny, upbeat, positive outlook on life,too; nothing ever gets her down or worried and she’s always the one trying to reassure me, Don’t worry; things will be all right!

My hallucinations are also fairly new: just this summer, in fact, over the past couple of months I’ve started having them and it’s even on days I don’t use weed(which I’ve been using for 3 years) so it’s not that and I’m left wondering what’s causing it(is it the same unknown factor that’s also causing my seizures,too, I wonder?) could it be due to the head injury I had last fall when I fainted and hit the back of my head hard on the kitchen floor when I fell backwards? Is it due to my White Matter Disease and brain decline, or my Bipolar, or have I, perhaps, maybe even newly developed Schizophrenia or something now,  even though that typically appears in the late teens or early 20’s, and could it maybe also even be related to menopause and the hormonal changes; I wonder as It’s been 3 months now since I last had Aunt Flow, and perhaps it’s “triggered” something in my brain, as it was when I first started puberty at 13 is when my depression and  migraines first started, again likely due to hormones, and a friend of mine also said when she hit menopause her migraines went away…. it just makes me wonder…

It’s really hard as well living with bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, social phobia, etc. and  I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like something’s driving me, perhaps my traumas, or my mental illness, or something, and I’ve always felt like I’m on a “mission” of some sort, “called” in some way, set apart from others, perhaps as a way as trying to find some sort of purpose and meaning in all my suffering or is it just “standard” of being crazy or just from being different and being rejected and bullied for it? It’s really difficult though when reality and imagination gets blurred and you can’t separate the two and can’t tell what’s real anymore or what’s a hallucination. Did that really just happen or did I just imagine it? Did I really see( or hear) what I think I did? My most recent ones incl. thinking I heard thunder when I really didn’t, and thinking I heard some sort of animal scratching and moaning under my bed(and I know it wasn’t Buddy as he was curled up beside me in bed asleep). That one was scary. It’s really scary when your own mind plays tricks on you.

 

Yakking And Nattering.

Screenshot_191 Both my hubby and my mother have insulting terms for my talking. Every time I open my mouth and speak they always refer to it in a negative and derogatory way. He always refers to it as yakking and she always calls it nattering. I think it’s very mean and disrespectful how they always put me down like that and devalue anything and everything that I have to say, whenever I speak, my opinions on anything and everything, every time I open my mouth to speak, whenever any words come out of my mouth, every time I say anything, etc. they always have to have some nasty put-down comment. I’m never “allowed” to just ever talk, voice my opinion, interject into a conversation, speak, be heard, say anything, criticize anything, include myself, or comment about anything in any way without being it dismissed as yakking and nattering. So what they’re basically saying is anything I say, all my speech, any words out of my mouth, is nothing just irritating, annoying, grating noise.

My hubby also likes to specialize in making me look dumb, foolish, inept, wrong, silly, and laughable in front of and to other people and will always say something to put me down, to prove me wrong, to make me look like an idiot, to point out my flaws, etc. in front of other people, and even get them to join in if they’re up for it, otherwise they just say nothing, but I’m always left feeling shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, angry, and picked on. I remember this time as well we went to see a notary for something, a guy from church, and he was just like my hubby and he looked at him and goes(about me) Does she ever stop talking? and my hubby said No, it’s always like this…… and they proceeded to tear me down and I just felt so small and wanted to disappear. I could feel my face turn hot and red, my jaw trembling, trying to hold back the tears of humiliation. I felt like a naughty, scolded child.

I know I do talk alot, but I also know it has to do with my Asperger’s and bipolar. I also know that when I get nervous I tend to prattle on and it’s a common trait of Asperger’s to repeat yourself as well. The thing is, though, that I’m not the only one that’s talkative; other people are as well, incl. in my own family, yet I’m the only one that ever gets hassled and put down for it. No one else talking ever gets called yakking or nattering, just me. It’s also a commonly known fact that most women are known for being talkative, or at least compared to their male counterparts. No one ever wants to hear what I have to say and they’re always trying to shut me up. It feels like anything I have to say doesn’t matter, it isn’t important, no one cares, so what, no one wants to hear it, so just shut up and go away because no one cares about you or what you have to say anyway. They’re always trying to silence me; to erase me.

Always More.

Screenshot_3 My hubby says that with me it’s always more; that I’m never happy, satisfied, grateful, thankful, enjoying, or appreciative of the here and now, of the present moment, of that I’m always looking for something more, for the next thing,and for what’s to come next, and he’s right in a way, I’m always so busy planning ahead and looking forward to the next thing that I barely have time to enjoy what I’m doing in the present. I remember just having a baby, for example, and I find myself in my head already thinking ahead to the next one, or I just finish a trip and I’m already planning ahead for another, or I’m enjoying a play or a concert and already thinking ahead to when I get to see the next one; there’s always more; and it’s not that I’m never satisfied; I just have so much going on all at once in my head it gets all jumbled up and I have so many tabs open all at once it’s almost like I live in the past, am trying to survive the present, and looking ahead to the future all at the same time.Plus, I also always need something to look ahead to in order to have motivation to keep going. There has to always be something next coming up to look forward to; always something more.

I do agree, however, that I do need to slow down though, take a breath, and just enjoy the moment.Just breathe. Just relax. Be grateful for what I do have. Be thankful for what I have. Be present for the here and now. I shouldn’t be so busy thinking about, planning, looking forward to, or worrying about the future or what’s coming next, what I have to do next,the next best thing, etc. that I’m unable to enjoy the present, so I have to remind myself to slow down, to enjoy the small things in life, to find something good in each day, to be thankful for little things, to enjoy what I have instead of dwell on what I don’t, to enjoy good days as they come , to treasure good times, and to enjoy the small things as one day I will look back and realize that they were big things. One day I hopefully will find that True Love, the Ultimate High, the Most Powerful Mind-Blowing Orgasm, my Big Break, etc. but until then I can still stop and smell the roses and enjoy  and be grateful along the way. One day at a time.

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I also got more sunflowers, this time when I was in Wal-Mart, because, you know, one can never have too many sunflowers. Our water bill was also 600$ this month, twice the usual, so it’s good we got the pool leak fixed afterall, and our grocery bill was an extra 200$ this week as well, likely due to tarriffs on imported American goods but an extra 200$ a week….that really hurts…  we can’t even afford to live…I still can’t figure out how to get all my songs transferred over onto my new iPod either and my hubby says it’s “punishment” for downloading them all illegally (yeah, and like he downloads all his shit legitimately?) and he scoffed at my ineptness as well, shaking his head in disbelief and face-palming, accusing me of just pretending to be dumb, but I’m not, and I assured him, I’m not pretending and it’s insulting and hurtful that he makes fun of me and puts me down for being dumb in the first place but then to imply that I’m faking it because no one can possibly really be that dumb in real life? That’s just extra brutal.

Locked Out.

LockedOut

  This will give you some idea of how horribly my family treats me. (and all this all happened in just today) how they always gang up on me, belittle and berate me, degrade and demean me, how they always put me down, insult me, treat me like shit, make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own family, emotionally abuse me, criticize me, and hate me and blame me for my limitations,PTSD, and medical issues(instead of trying to help me heal) etc. They are abusive and I can’t take any more of it yet I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go. My mother and hubby tell me to go live out on the street(be homeless) but I also want to be safe and as for the kids( who see how they treat me and now copy it) tell me just to go and die. Here is a small sample of how I’m treated just based on one day:
  The 14 and 16 YR olds were cleaning near the back door and Buddy(my dog) and I were out in the backyard and they locked us out and wouldn’t even let him in to eat or me even when I said I had to go pee, in fact, the 16 YR old scoffed, “Pee outside!” and they laughed. They made me wait 10 minutes before they finally let me in and I was FURIOUS. On top of that when I told my hubby and my mother they thought nothing of it and said it was MY fault for not going around the side or front door and just coming in that way….except I was wearing a tube top for tanning and I don’t want the neighbours or anyone else to see me; it’s not something I’d go out in public with! It also signifies how I feel in this family: locked out.My hubby also accuses me of “starting drama” just because I speak up and stand up for myself when they attack me, and when I tell them I’m tired always being blamed for everything my mother sneers, Everything is always your fault!
  Later on the 16 YR old wanted my help with something and I reminded her how she locked me out and so I’m not doing her any favours so then she purposely left the backyard gate open hoping Buddy would run out and get loose on the street, just to get me “back” and they always do things like that, and they even say they’re going to kill him just to hurt me.To tell the truth, I don’t feel safe here. Today the 11 and 16 YR olds also put these goofy stickers all over my Jesus pictures on the wall, which is disrespectful,and then they got mad when I peeled them off and put them on their photos and the mirror.The 16 YR old also now refuses to check in on Buddy’s puppies’ progress(I was blocked) so I can see how they’re doing; she’s just doing it to be mean.This is no life. I can’t keep living like this. I have no escape.No one’s ever on my side, or supports me or backs me up or cares or loves me.
  I really don’t know why they hate me so much.I stayed home and raised them and homeschooled them and I always meant well and did the best with what I have. I know they hate and blame me for my brokenness and traumas, not realizing the role that they also played in it. I hope this is the last final indignity. I can’t take any more of this. It has to end one way or the other. I can’t keep doing this. They’ve crushed my spirit, ruined my life, destroyed who I am, taken away everything I once was, beaten me down, and now I’m just a hollow empty shell longing for freedom,love, and happiness I never seem to find, that’s always out of my reach and I fear I’m just not ever meant to have. I feel like a prisoner in my own life.I need to be free and find peace. I have to break away from them somehow and never look back…..I need to break free so they can’t hurt me anymore.

Well Deserved.

Screenshot_449 My mother and the 16 YR old were being mean to me again and the 16 YR old was being even more of a bitchy mean girl than usual. When I asked my mother why her, my hubby,and the kids always gang up on me, blame me for everything, constantly belittle, berate, demean me and put me down, she smirked, It’s well deserved. Can you believe it? What kind of person says something like that? As for why they always blame everything on me she tersely replied, Because everything is always your fault! and she goes on to say that her and my hubby didn’t turn my kids against me but rather YOU did that yourself! Again, everything’s always my fault and I’m to blame for everything. It’s even my fault that they treat me like shit, as if I somehow deserve it, trying to somehow “justify” their cruel bullying treatment of me and then the 16 YR old goes on mouthing off at me being haughty and dismissive, heaping on the insults and being really disrespectful and nasty.

I’m so sick of all their shit. I’m sick of this family and I’m sick of this life.

Then later on the 11 YR old was teasing Buddy, making him bark, and he and I were curled up on the couch, him behind my legs and my eyes were closed, and my hubby came up to him and hurt him somehow, trying to get him to stop barking,and I don’t know exactly what he did, whether he pinched him or yanked up a piece of his skin or what, but he emitted a loud painful yelp like he’d been hurt(I know that sound) so I perked up and I saw he looked just heartbroken that he would do that to him and of course he denied it(he said, I just poked him….maybe I hurt his sore leg…) when I told him not to abuse my dog and he said I was falsely accusing him and he got really mad and was screaming loudly at me in a threatening way, and the 11 YR old said he did do something to him and then he bit him in response( good for him; defend yourself and don’t take any of their shit!) which he also denied, saying if he ever did bite him he’d be out the door and I told him if he ever did that he can kiss all his Spider-Man collectables goodbye as I would burn them all.Torch every single one of them. No one hurts my dog and gets away with it. Not only is he emotionally, mentally,and psychologically abusive to me but now he’s turning physically abusive to my dog as well.hate the f*cker.

Him and my mother are always threatening me as well if I do or don’t do what they want, say, or like or what they tell me to do, or if I “get out of line” according to them, so to punish me and keep me under control they’ll threaten to open the door and let Buddy loose onto traffic, or to cancel my credit card, or to not fix my computer, or not drive me to my medical appointments, etc. They treat me like I’m one of the kids, making me hate and resent them more and more each day. I have no freedom, say or control over my own life and I feel trapped, like a prisoner or a hostage. My hubby said he was going to Wal-Mart as well and I told him I wanted to go too as I had to get shampoo and calamine lotion( for my sunburn) and he didn’t want me to tag along even though he was already going anyway and hardly even gave me enough time to change my pants as I was wearing pajama bottoms and I’m not going to be one of those People of Wal-Mart that wear their PJ’s, and he was already out the door before I even had my pants on and so I had to hurry and rush out before he drove off without me and I never even had time to put on any shoes so I just grabbed a pair of Crocs and put them on in the car.

I hate and resent always being treated second-class, like an after thought, as if I’m a burden(and they’re always telling me how “annoying” I am) unwanted, an inconvenience, last on the list of priorities, not important, sub-human, inferior, that I “deserve” the bullying and ill treatment I get daily, being blamed for everything all the time, like an outsider in my own family, always being pushed away, treated like a second-class citizen, feeling like a scapegoat and punching bag, being told to leave, reminded how stupid, annoying,and hated I am, being told to go die, etc.

This is not what I signed up for and I want out.I’m done.