The Black Walnut Tree.

Screen Shot 08-16-17 at 08.08 PM This is the story of the black walnut tree. It’s just a little baby black walnut tree and it’s in our backyard. It’s only about 2-3 years old but I noticed that this summer it’s really getting so much bigger all of a sudden.  Now it’s almost as tall as our three storey house! It wasn’t there originally though, and we never planted it, so what I’m pretty sure happened is that one fall a squirrel must have buried a nut in the ground and forgot about it or got killed and never came back for it or whatever, and the conditions were right in the soil and it took and started to grow…and over time it just got bigger….and bigger….and bigger….

I think it’s kind of neat to watch this tree grow and progress right from the beginning, from a little tiny sapling,and in time it will bear fruit ( usually at age 4-6 years old) and will bloom and blossom into this massive gigantic tree but I don’t think I’ll ever get to see it though as I’ve always thought I’d die by 50 (and I’m just 50 this year so it’ll likely be sometime within the next few months) and even if not they’re talking about moving in the next year or two anyway, so I probably won’t get the chance to be able to see it grow into maturity. A similar experience I had before was with the peach tree we had at our first Ottawa house; the owner’s daughter had planted it and the year we moved out was the first time it bore fruit. Of course. (and our apple tree at our last Ottawa house was  knocked over and died in an ice storm the first year it bore fruit,too!)

I also saw a blog I read they put their house up for sale for a million 695, 000, and that’s American so it would probably be something like 3 million $$$ in our money with the exchange, and I heard on the news too the price for an average detached 3 bedroom house in Toronto now is over a million $$$(and they may not necessarily even have a garage or even a driveway) and you have to earn on average 200 000$ a year to be able to afford it, with an average cost of close to 5000$ a month between mortgage payments and utilities! Holy shit! Buddy and I were out the front as well and saw an argument at the Drug Den at the corner; 3 thuggish-looking young guys came running out with this really fat shirtless guy running out after them, his belly jiggling, reminding me of Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers  movies, yelling, Get outta here! and they’d keep stopping and looking back behind them,and I was worried someone would start beating up on someone or even pull out a gun or something…..maybe they ripped the drug dealer off and stole it or something, who knows….I wouldn’t be surprised if in the middle of the night there’s a drive-by shooting at his house, or a Molotov thrown thru his window, an explosion, or his house torched or something…my mother also actually saw an actual transaction the other day,too; she saw someone handing something over, exchanging something for $$$$$.

The 18 YR old’s also back from Cadets camp now and she has Strep throat,too, and she works for a couple of weeks and then she’s off to Ottawa for school, and now asshole Trump is upset that Confederate flags and statues are being taken down, saying You can’t change history,and you can’t, but you also don’t have to memorialize and commemmorate a period in history associated with hate, bigotry, discrimination, slavery, oppression, and racism, either, it would be the same as flying the Nazi flag with the swastika on it, or having a statue of Hitler; not something in history that you want to honour and glorify! I also stand up for Muslims and North Korea because no one else will and I was that kid in school that was always bullied and no one stood up for me so now I’m going to be that person.

I also wonder too if the upcoming solar eclipse might be a portent of some sort, a harbinger, of a prophecy, perhaps, such as Jesus’ return, or maybe of the Apocalypse, Judgement Day, The Tribulation, WWIII….who knows? It’s odd as well how the area it hits most seems to cut the USA right in half, along a division, and I don’t know if that’s symbolic or not, and it was 100 years ago since we had the last one like this, and it was almost 100 years ago since WWI ended…it just makes me wonder…it seems kind of eerie…. there’s also this upcoming boxing match I keep hearing about and I have no idea who it is as I don’t follow that stuff but apparantly it’s some long-time champion VS an under-dog so I automatically am rooting for the under-dog because that’s me; I’ve always been the under-dog, and because no one ever roots for the under-dog so whoever he is, I hope that he wins.

First Swim.

Screen Shot 07-12-17 at 06.18 PM  I went for my first swim in the pool this summer. It was also the first swim anyone’s done in our pool so far this season,and the water was freezing cold! At first I could only wade in gradually, up to my waist in the shallow end, to get used to it, and then after about 30 minutes I finally gathered up the courage to plunge under water. It was really cold but I soon got used to it. The water still isn’t clear or blue, but with all the chemicals in it I know it’s clean so I had no trouble swimming in it, and besides, I’ve swam in much worse; it’s called Lake Ontario! It was really a yellow/green colour at the bottom, and the deeper you went down, and the bottom was all slimy and slippery but I just pretended I was at the lake. We got more jugs of the “shock” liquid chlorine that we keep dumping into the pool in an effort to get it nice and clear and blue. I didn’t go off the diving board yet though as I was afraid if I went that far down ( 9 feet) that my face might freeze off because the water temperature gets colder the deeper down you go!

As well, the 18 YR old had a day off work at camp and she’s local this YR so she came over, and she had to get her hair cut as it was “too long” by Cadets staff standards, even put back in a ponytail or bun, she had to have 3 inches cut off so now the length is down to her boobs instead of to her waist. I also had a dream I looked out the window and saw a tornado and exclaimed, Holy shit! Is that it? as well as another dream I was riding this beautiful horse that was a silver/white colour with piercing blue eyes.

I also woke up with a headache which lasted all day yesterday and had achy ears and feel dizzy (and this was before I went in the pool so it’s not an ear infection from the green water and it was also before I had my weed; Weednesday) so it must be some sort of virus going around, like which is what they told my mother at the hospital and she probably has, and now after a few days on her Tamiflu she’s feeling better, despite being convinced she was going to die, but I think it’s more just generalized worry at her age every time  she gets sick she’s like, ok, is this it? Could this be the time I die?

The Headless Hippo.

Screen Shot 06-08-17 at 06.21 PM 001 The 18 YR old found this and she thinks it’s a hippo although it could be a pig( but I think it’s a hippo too as a pig would have a curly tail and it has the stout, stubby legs of a hippo and the body shape of a hippo) and gave it to me(because she knows I love hippos) and the first thing I said was, It doesn’t have a head! Where’s his head? and then she said you stick it to your cell phone or iPod and it stands up. It’s the funniest thing though, a headless hippo, or, rather, a hippo with a suction cup for a head. She’s also graduated Cadets and won the highest award for Cadets as well, only given out every few years and next month is going to be on staff at Cadets camp for the summer before she goes off to school in Ottawa. She’s always been one of our highest achievers,talented with art and writing, and of all the kids she’s also always been the most reasonable one, and one of the kindest.

Screen Shot 06-09-17 at 12.44 PM The gross thing on my foot is even worse now,too, not better. I’ve had it now for 5 days and it’s not healing or getting any better yet, but worse. Now it hurts even more and now the shiny part in the centre(that looks like some kind of ulcer, actually) is all red, whereas before it started off white and then it was pink, and now gross yellow and green pus is coming out of it,too……I know it’s infected,and my friend W said maybe I picked up some sort of infection in Cuba and I was wondering the same thing,too; maybe some kind of bacteria or something from the beach or that’s in the salt water, since I did spend 3-6 HRS every day at the beach and in the water…that might also explain my abdomenal pain, diarrhrea, and vomiting as well….shiiiittt….I’m debating going to the doctor or the ER or not; the thing is it always takes 2 weeks or so to get in to even see my doctor so by then it will have either already all healed up on it’s own or I would have already died from infection, and I don’t exactly feel like sitting in the ER waiting for 6-8 HRS either only to have them tell me it’s probably nothing…. I take my usual approach: wait and see and just give it time and hope it gets better on it’s own…..unless something drastically changes in some way for the worse indicating otherwise….

Another gross thing of the day: I saw a dead roadkill squirrel on the road after it was run over by a car and then this big raven came over and started pecking it’s eyes out. Ewww. It then proceeded to pluck off  and pull out other parts of it’s flesh, all gooey and stringy. Barf.

The Restaurant.

Screen Shot 04-21-17 at 03.16 PM My BFF S owns a Korean restaurant in Toronto and my friend J (from grade 8) has a diner up in Bancroft and lately it feels like I’m running a restaurant,too, with the 13 YR old’s re-feeding schedule with her eating disorder therapy she has to have 3 meals a day plus 3 snacks a day and it ends up that she has to eat about every 2 HRS so it seems like I’m always either  planning, organizing, preparing, serving, or supervising meals; it’s like with a newborn, or like I’m running a restaurant, constantly working with, preparing and serving food all day! My entire day seems to revolve around food and it feels like we just go from one meal right into the next; she just finishes one off and then in  no time it’s time for the next and it feels like one non-stop meal from breakfast until bed!! One of my most-used sayings used to be It’s not a restaurant!( along with eat it or starve!) whenever the kids would complain about the food and not want to eat whatever was served….but now it feels like it really is and it’s challenging as well  to try and keep coming up with different foods and food combinations as there’s only so much you can eat and so much variety. I’m running Mama’s Diner  but she’s improving and seems to be perking up and thriving now; she seems to be getting her “spark” back, and for that I’m grateful, even if I do have to run a restaurant 12 HRS a day for the foreseeable future….

As well, the 15 YR old scoffed that I’m jealous of her and hate her and hope she dies because she’s prettier than me…..WTF? For one thing, everyone is prettier than me so that just goes without saying, and I’m not “jealous” of her as she has this really shallow and mean personality I don’t envy at all, I don’t hate anyone or want anyone to die, plus she’s not as pretty as she thinks,and actually the 17 YR old is the pretty one, although she’s never been high and mighty, arrogant and vain like she is or look down on others she deems “ugly” and inferior like the 15 YR old does. Speaking of the 17 YR old, she also got promoted to the highest rank in Cadets,too: Warrant Officer First Class!

I think I had a good 420 as well but I don’t really remember much, but I really enjoyed smoking on that Big Fatty, there’s just something liberating, freeing, and sort of rebellious about smoking and I find it relaxing,calming, and enjoyable, and something I don’t get with my cannabis oil,so it was a real treat to just lean up against the shed wall and puff away, to inhale the smoke and blow it around as I exhaled, blowing all my cares away, feeling so unburdened and unfettered, and Buddy came in to see where I was too and I think he might have inhaled some of the second-hand smoke and gotten a little high too (even though I had the door open a bit) as  shortly after he was laying in my arms on his back, just completely blissed-out, floppy and relaxed and at one point he was so zonked out I was worried he was dead and I shook him and was sobbing, Don’t leave me! I need you! I love you! Don’t die! Come back! I don’t want to lose you! You’re the only one who loves me! and he sensed my distress and licked my face and all was well with the world again and we both fell asleep.


Screen Shot 03-18-17 at 07.39 PM I’m now on Skype! I had been instant messaging the kids on Google Chat but they have since left and headed over to Skype so I decided to go there too in order to be able to continue to send them messages. It took me awhile though as I thought you could  only do it by web-cam, and I don’t want people to see my ugly mug (which is why I prefer to socialize online, that way I don’t get so nervous with my anxiety and social phobia as I don’t have to actually talk; I can write, which I am more comfortable at,and they don’t have to actually see what I look like!) but then someone told me you also have the option of NOT using the live-action and can just send messages without them actually seeing you, so I decided to look into it.

Of course I got zero  co-operation from my family, who made it glaringly clear that they don’t want me as a contact and don’t want me on Skype,as they tried their hardest to discourage me, wouldn’t help me, and once I did figure it out and get it all set up on my own regardless they still wouldn’t tell me what theirs and eachother’s screen-names were so that I could send them contact requests,and them and my hubby also started making excuses that  oh, no one even uses Skype anymore….when I know for a fact that they do, communicating with siblings who have moved away and out of town and over-seas friends…yeah…nice try,assholes. As it turns out, the 9 YR old knew their screen-names so he told me and I sent the requests a few days ago and still no response or reply( I think they’re purposely ignoring me) and no one has accepted my request for me to add them… here I have this new account…..and no contacts…..and yet another way my toxic family excludes me and makes me feel like I’m nothing.

As well, I’m pretty sure I had another seizure in my sleep overnight last night as I woke up with a sore mouth at first I thought must be a tooth but then as I awoke more I realized was the inside of my cheek on the left side, that I must have been biting down on it during my sleep, something I’d only do during a seizure, and all last evening I felt really “creepy” and gross,too, just not “right”, sort of like when your BP plunges down really low, so something must have “shifted”, leading up to it and sort of like a warning.Even today I still feel nauseated and like I’m always going to faint. I just wish I knew what it was, and what was causing it.Hopefully the EEG will have some answers…..

The 17 YR old had a nice trip in Virginia over March Break with Cadets,too, and they passed thru Syracuse NY on the way there and she said the whole city looked like a ghetto, and she went on a battleship, to the Smithsonian, an airforce museum, etc. and bought alot of coins and a really cool jellyfish encased in glass, and said for souvenirs she had to get something distinctly American and I gasped in horror, You mean you got a GUN? ( How would she ever bring that thru customs??) but it was just a commemorative Trump coin. She doesn’t like him; she thinks he’s a buffoon, but it will be a collector’s item someday.

She also said that alot of the Cadet squadrons weren’t able to go on the trip if they had Indian, Arab, or Muslim cadets as they wouldn’t let them cross the border into USA! That’s just Fascist and downright discrimination and a hate crime, not letting someone in your country because of their race or religion! It reminds me of Hitler trying to rid Europe of the Jews! New World Order! He’s a dictator!! Talk not only about racism, hate,exclusion,and discrimination, but white privilege!  That kind of shit just makes me so mad!!

The Ring.

screen-shot-02-03-17-at-10-33-am-002 My Charmed Aroma candle arrived! They’d said it would take 6 weeks but it came just 2 or 3 days after I’d ordered it!  It burned for around 6 HRS before the foil where the ring was wrapped up in was visible but it took so long to finally get down to that point I was even beginning to wonder if there really even was a ring in there or if maybe they’d forgotten to put it in! It was there though( and the candle smells sooooo good, like coconut!) and this is the ring, pictured here. Isn’t it just so pretty? I love it! There was a code on it so I went online and it was appraised at 90$!

screen-shot-02-03-17-at-12-11-pm I had to drain the wax run-off into another container because as it melted it kept snuffing out the flame on the wick so I put it in here and then I got bored so I got creative and decided to liven it up a bit and “engrave” it.


I also made a new Miitomo character: Mr. Hippo. It’s sort of a person, only he’s also a hippo. It’s kind of hard to explain but he has basically a human body with a hippo head. I tried to make his skin colour either grey or purple but I wasn’t able to get it that colour so I improvised and dressed him in all grey instead but I fiddled with the nose and eyebrows and was able to give him a semblance of a hippo’s ears and nostrils.

Screen Shot 02-03-17 at 06.43 PM 001.PNG This is also an x-ray of a friend in USA’s teen son’s shoulder, broken in a few places! He got it from wrestling, only the real kind that you do on a mat, not the fake stuff you see on TV. He has surgery to fix it on Monday. When I saw this all I could think of was, “Oh, wow! Holy shit! That must hurt” I can only imagine how it must feel! Poor kid! The 17 YR old and her friends also drove up to Toronto and shopped at the Eaton Centre mall ( it was my Second Home when I lived there) and then just 2 days later she took the train in for an interview for Cadets for summer camp in Europe. It’s more difficult since she’s homeschooled…..but she did really well and they were really impressed…..and they told her that she tied for the highest score! Yay!! Now she waits to hear back about a follow-up…..oooh, I hope so!




Camp Visit.

Screen Shot 07-16-16 at 08.51 PM I went to visit the 13 YR old at Cadets camp. My hubby, the 15 YR old, the 17 YR old,and the 21 YR old’s friend also came. We stayed for over 2 HRS during visiting HRS and she told us everything she’s been doing and she seemed so happy , bubbly, energetic, and enthusiastic, and I’m so glad. She’s made lots of friends, such a big group it’s even a clique,and she’s enjoying herself and I’m just so happy as I was worried she’d be all alone, crying herself to sleep at night. She told us funny and entertaining stories about adventures at camp and other campers, and about how they were in the woods and got ticks on them they had to pick off so they wouldn’t get Lyme disease, and I brought her the aloe vera gel for her sunburn and a couple of taffy sticks that she loves and I noticed as well lots of parents had brought their kids food,too! The 17 and 15 YR olds also ran into alot of their friends at the camp as well, both campers and counsellors, and it was nice seeing the 13 YR old again as I hadn’t seen her in a week and I missed her( she has another week left to go) and it was nostalgic for me as well, reminding me of camp when I was a kid,too.

The pool is even more green now since it’s been so hot lately as well so I put in 5 packets of powder chlorine for a super-shock so I’ll see how that goes in clearing it up, and they had fireworks last night and it was so close and so loud it woke both Buddy and I up, and I also heard a loud “bang!” in my bedroom in the middle of the night too that sounded like a gunshot and then smelled a bad smell, and I wondered if my A/C was burning but it was still running,and then I wondered, groggy and still half-asleep, if I had somehow been shot and died since I didn’t feel any pain…..but then I just rolled over and went back to sleep…..and then later in the morning when I got up I found a “bomb bag” on my floor so I figured the 21 YR old had opened my door during the night and tossed it in(I know he has them) to freak  me out, that’s what the loud “bang!” and bad smell was….

Produce Girl.

Screen Shot 06-10-16 at 07.19 PM The 17 YR old got a job! She now works at the produce dept. at the grocery store part-time. Her tasks so far have been skinning watermelons and cutting up thousands of strawberries,and making fruit salads for customers. She was handing out job resumes when a call came in before she’d even returned back home  that they wanted her for an interview and then said she was hired; the manager was “impressed” with her resume and she started work the very next day! She was surprised how quick it was and said, “Life can’t be THAT easy!” but for *some* people it actually is…..not for me, of course….but for some people, or so I’ve heard,anyway. I have no doubt it’s because she’s pretty and the manager is male.(I hope he doesn’t “hit” on her, though, at least that’s something I, being ugly, never had to worry about happening to me but pretty girls always have to watch out for) It’s no secret that life and opportunities just open up for pretty people, and that life comes easy for them, doors open up for them, and they just seem to live “charmed” lives and they “sail” thru life easily. I, however, am the exact opposite; nothing has EVER come “easy” for me, and everything has always been a struggle and nothing ever goes right for me. She likes her new job, at least so far anyway, and her plan is to work a YR and then go to university next YR.

As well, yesterday she went to Canada’s Wonderland theme/amusement park with Cadets and the 13 YR old was supposed to go,too, except she had her dance recital that day. She hated her costume, which was black and yellow and reminded me of a bumble-bee and I thought looked cute, and I touched up my hair dye and blonde is a tricky colour to get just right as you don’t want it to end up a “trashy” blonde or brassy, and the trick is to leave the bleach on for just the right time; if you don’t leave it on long enough it will end up “coppery” and red instead of blonde when you put the dye on,but if you leave it on for too long your scalp will start to burn and your hair could fall out……by now I have timed out down to an exact science…

My Garden.

Screen Shot 05-19-16 at 01.12 PM I went and got my flowers and planted my garden, seen here. I normally get 3 geraniums for each pot( so a total of 6) but they cost over 4$ apiece and I’m REALLY “broke” this YR so I got these flowers instead as they cost less. I normally also get 2 hanging plants for the front veranda (the ones here are in the backyard by the pool)but they start at 20$ each and I only had 60$ in total for ALL my gardening, incl. the potting soil which cost 5$ a bag and I needed 2 bags, so I didn’t have enough $$$$ to buy the hanging plants this YR. I’m disappointed and sad. I put artificial ones we had from before out instead but it’s pretty pathetic. Being poor *REALLY* sucks and it’s so bad now my mother is running out of her line of credit so we don’t know HOW we’re even going to be ABLE to pay the property taxes and home insurance *next* YR! I saw today a damn squirrel was digging up one of my flowers as well so I later put mothballs on the top of the dirt next to the flowers to repel them as they don’t like the smell. Little f*ckers.

Our Internet was also out AGAIN and my hubby wondered if there was a problem with his new credit card or if he’d forgotten to pay the bill but it wasn’t; just more of the usual shitty Internet often going out, and I re-bleached and dyed my hair blonde again,too, but it didn’t turn out at first; it was really yellow-y with a light orange tinge so I put an “ash” shade over it to tone it down and now it looks good.Blonde can be a very hard colour to get just right!! The 17 YR old also had a semi-formal dance with Cadets and soon the 14 YR old has a prom with her cheerleading and they both have fancy dresses for.

As far as I know anyway my friend hasn’t committed suicide, at least not yet,anyway; he’d posted on Facebook awhile ago that all the shelters are full and he’s dirty and really hungry, so it looks pretty hopeless but at least he’s still alive…for now….I just wish there was more I could do to help him…..I hope he can hang in there and that things look up for him….he’s lost everything and he really is down and out.


The Mentor.

Mentor The 18 YR old is now “mentoring” a younger girl, someone who is friends with a few of the kids and who is from a really dysfunctional, f*cked-up, abusive family. She confides in him, he gives her advice, and she comes over here twice a week, sort of like her “safe haven” from her troubled home life and he’s like her “Big Brother” and he counsels her and I think it’s a great idea and beneficial to BOTH her AND him, and helpful in both their recoveries; hers in having someone older to confide in, look up to,advise, guide, direct,and help her, and for him,too, having someone to look out for and someone that needs his help and depends on him, giving him purpose and incentive to keep going, not only for his own sake but for hers now too, and now that her well-being also depends on HIS! I think they will be helping eachother out and it will be a good experience for them both.

As well, Patti was over for a visit, and I saw a little hawk in the neighbour’s tree, and a man was walking down the street and a little kid poked her head out of the window of her house at the corner and called out to him, “Hello! I pooped!” but he just ignored her and kept on walking. It was so funny,and if it was me I would have replied, “Good for you! Don’t forget to flush!”

The 18 YR old also said that he thinks Cadets is “punishing” him and the other senior Cadets for standing up to the injustice and Fascist oppressive way they were treated during their recent trip as his friend didn’t get approved for the summer camp she wanted but for a sports camp instead so she’s just not going, and he wasn’t even approved for ANY camp at ALL,and I also wouldn’t be surprised if the 16 YR old won’t be able to go to Germany,either. They’re such assholes for treating them so badly and no  wonder so many of them are quitting and my kids are considering quitting now too even though before they really enjoyed it and Cadets was a big part of their lives until they destroyed their morale, disillusioned them, and ruined it for them! F*ck them!