F*ck.

Screenshot_994 F*ck, I’m feeling really, really shitty now. My abdomenal pain is so bad now I’d rate it a solid 8 out of 10 on the pain scale, plus I also have bad cramps, the bad sore back(as always), tired, swollen, achy legs(and so bloated I look like a Puffer fish) and I feel nauseated and sick and just so…..ugh…. I’m bleeding a bit again,too, and I don’t know whether or not it’s a bit of Aunt Flow (which I last had in early June) even though I seem to be in menopause now, or more abnormal bleeding, and yesterday it was so bad and I felt so sick I practically slept most of the day and I took a Tramadol; I still have 5 or so left I keep saved for an emergency; when the pain gets so bad I can’t bear it anymore. I have it pretty much daily now, it’s a constant thing, but some days are better, others worse,now it’s gotten to a point where it’s just a daily chronic thing, and I couldn’t even go to church yesterday I was in such bad shape; I know there’s no way I could stand, or even sit, that long,and my mother said, You know it must be bad if you don’t even go to church!

I also tried to have a nap I feel so crappy, and Buddy came up and joined me, burrowing under the blankets, snuggling in next to me,keeping me company, keeping an eye on me, and he was extra whiny and pawing at me,too, like he knows I don’t feel well, only I couldn’t sleep as I kept hearing what sounded like some asshole on a roof really close by, hammering and sawing, making a huge racket…I just wanted to strangle the f*cker with his extension cord…. and as it turned out it was my hubby, right out on our veranda, right below me on the balcony, putting up the Christmas lights! The Tramadol didn’t do shit, either for the pain, and I’d really be surprised if it’s not cancer actually, and really feel in my heart that it is…..

The 15 and 17 YR olds were also planning on taking the train up to Ottawa just the 2 of them at the end of the month to visit the 19 YR old for a few days over a weekend and hang out, visit, go shopping, etc. and they were really excited and looking forward to it too and planned it for awhile and now the 19 YR old cancelled out on them; she has to work, which I think is a really shitty thing to do; she knows it means so much to them; she should have just told her boss she has family coming in from out of town and requested those days off. The 15 YR old shrugged, Plans change… but I could tell that she was really disappointed. That really sucks.The 24 YR old also said that the average guy has to either have sex or jerk-off 1-3 times a day,too, so guys are even more depraved than I thought they were(and whenever I say guys are perverts the 15 YR old always accuses me of stereotyping….but it’s true……they are!) and if that’s true then my hubby must be getting it somewhere then because he hasn’t touched me in 12 years…..

My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.

 

 

I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

Unhappy Hippo.

Screenshot_945 You know how we had to turn our clocks back an HR for the fall time change? I had made sure the ones that didn’t self re-set were switched before I went to bed and then when I got up yesterday at 7 am I’d taken Buddy out, had my breakfast and had my bath, and I glanced at the time and it said it was already 8:45 and I thought, Oh, my God! How could it possibly be so late already? when usually it would have only taken about 30 minutes, and I wondered if maybe I’d spent alot longer on our walk or in my bath than I’d realized or something….then I really had to haul ass and get everyone up for breakfast and church on time… How can it be this late already?

When I called the 15 YR old down for breakfast my mother said It’s only 7:45! It’s too early! so I thought Maybe the time on my computer is just wrong then? Maybe it didn’t self-set last night? so I went around the house checking all the other clocks,too, seeing what the actual real time was. I checked my iPod, the stove, the microwave,the TV, and Google Home….but Google Home wasn’t working,and all the clocks except the iPod still said 8:45 so I figured if just my iPod said 7:45 and all the others all said 8:45 then they must all be right and the iPod must be the one that didn’t self re-set, and so it must really be 8:45 afterall. Just to be sure though I posed on Facebook saying I wasn’t sure what time it was and within seconds a cousin replied and said it was….

7:45.

….What the?????

Screenshot_946 So, let me get this straight: the iPod was actually right all along and all the others were wrong. Then I later find out it was a prank. My hubby and the kids were just mind-f*cking me again, messing with me, playing with my head, playing a trick on me to confuse and befuddle me so I wouldn’t know what time it was, get confused, and end up waking everyone up an hour early(which I did.) They had re-set all the clocks(except for my iPod which I guess they forgot) back again to the old time(and disabled Google Home) so when I got up I’d just think it was the new time, the correct time and not know what the real time actually was.

I don’t know why they always like confusing me and making me crazy.They seem to think it’s funny taking advantage of my forgetfulness but I’m tired of always being the butt of their jokes all the time, and then when I tell them to lay off they blame me and accuse me of being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke; my hubby’s classic excuse trying to justify his constant ill-treatment, insults, put-downs, bullying, and tormenting of me. Also: this also goes to show that the majority might say one thing and there’s this one sole one all on his own saying something completely different and the majority isn’t always right, like the iPod; it was the only one that said 7:45 but it was the one that had the actual time.

As well, for the past 2-3 weeks or so the bottom of my left heel(that’s also the same leg I had the blood clot, big bruise, and that  still always feels tired, achy and sore, swollen and puffy) really hurts and it’s getting worse, so bad now I can’t even step on it.I asked my hubby if he would massage or reflexology it for some relief but he refused; he doesn’t want to touch me because I’m fat and gross. I wonder if it’s arthritis or something, esp. since I haven’t injured it, or if I do have cancer( and I actually do expect the cervical cancer test to come back positive…) maybe it has something to even do with that? Perhaps it’s spread? (I wonder how my toxic family will feel then too if it turns out I do have cancer and here they are they’re always hassling me for always laying around, being so tired, resting so much and sleeping so much….)

Buddy also did this shit that worries me,too: it was a gelationous reddish-pink congealed thing, and looked like it had tiny pieces of flesh in it,indicating bleeding, and I hope just something he ate that disagreed with him and not internal bleeding; that he’s not dying or something; he’s my whole world; my only friend and the only one that loves me. If I lose him I’ll have nothing. Nothing left anymore. Nothing to live for. Nothing to keep me going. I’ll just be so lost, lonely,and desolate.

Pap Test.

Screenshot_873 I had my Pap test yesterday, only I got the time wrong and got there an HR early so I just had to sit there….. I’d had the time originally written down on my calendar but the kids are always scribbling stuff on it, sabotaging and ruining it(usually by drawing occult stuff on it to annoy me) and one of them eventually just ended up ripping the entire page right off, so I wasn’t able to check and verify . They also updated and now they have a self-sign-in electronically where you swipe your own health card and also had all the patients take this survery only it was on a Tablet and I’m no good with those annoying modern electronic devices, just like with the kiosks at the airport where you have to scan your passport to get your boarding pass; they never work for me  and I always end up having to go get an employee help me, and of course I had trouble with this,too…

When I tried to swipe my health card to sign in it never worked(this happened before at the hospital too when they had the same dumb self-check-in thing for a scan) I swear my body must emit some sort of magnetic field or something that kills electronic devices…so then it said I can punch in the numbers manually so I tried that….it still didn’t work….and I still ended up having to check in at reception anyway,and with the survey I didn’t know how to backspace it and delete mistakes and for weight I accidently hit the wrong numbers and it was so sensitive to the touch it keep repeating and locked in for the answer that I weigh 1808888 pounds and that my BMI calculated as an excessively obese 380! so I had to go up to the reception desk yet again and have her help me with it and everyone in the office was laughing, and it took me so long to manouever thru it,too, and I felt like such a dolt.

Then when I finally went in for the much-dreaded exam they no longer have the fabric sheets to drape over you anymore but disposable paper ones and they were so small it was the size of a paper towel and I told the nurse, My fat ass is going to need more than that to cover! I’m going to need alot more sheets! I must have really clenched up and gone rigid for the exam too as she kept telling me to relax(so I closed my eyes and tried to go to my Happy Place on the beach in the Caribbean, and tried to imagine a hot guy down there, or floating in the water, or laying in the sun) and she asked me the usual woman questions about my cycle and anything unusual and I told her about the unusual bleeding, abdomenal pain, and how I keep asking the doctor for a referral to the gyno as I know something’s wrong and when she got a look in to the cervix she said she did see abnormal stuff just by looking,before any cells were even scraped or examined: she said I have a blister on my cervix and excessivly thick discharge and she said neither is a normal finding for a woman my age and stage in life so she also took extra swabs and is testing for other infections(and I knowdo get frequent yeast infections) as well as cervical cancer.I said why not, since she’s down there swabbing away anyway. Maybe there’s some other kind of infection like staph or something it’ll pick up?

I know I don’t have an STD though as there’s no way I’d get it (unless my vibrator had it)since my hubby’s the only one I’ve ever been with and even with him we haven’t done it in over 11 YRS, since I got prego with the youngest, and the nurse said as far as the cervical cancer if the results are normal I’ll get a letter in the mail  in about 3 weeks and if not the doctor’s office will call me. I wouldn’t really be surprised if that’s what I do have though as it would explain my symptoms, not only the pain and bleeding but also my achy, sore legs, constantly sore lower back, swelling and fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, fatigue, foul discharge, etc. maybe I’ll finally have my long-awaited for diagnosis and answer to my mystery symptoms that have plagued me forever?

Maybe I have cervical cancer?

Buddy is also being very agitated today like he’s got his knickers in a twist and he keeps licking my left  leg and whining and he looks at me intently(as if he’s trying to read my mind almost) and barks, like he’s trying to alert me, like he often does lately, it’s like he can sense something’s wrong, and it made me wonder those times after I’ve had weed and I get this bad feeling like Buddy’s got cancer and is dying only I can’t tell if it means he really is and I’m only aware of it then as that’s when I am more enlightened and can access more full knowledge, or just that I’m rather more paranoid due to the weed, my imagination runs wild, and it’s not actually true, I wonder if maybe I got it all wrong and it’s not actually him that’s dying; it’s me? Maybe the reason that he seems “out of sorts” and mopey and unsettled lately isn’t because he’s dying, but because he’s the one who’s grieving….. for me?

The Last.

Screenshot_749 Yesterday might have ended up being the last day, the last time, before I possibly hear life-changing news. My doctor’s office called and said that today my doctor himself is going to call me to discuss my scan results even though it’s only been 2 days and he wasn’t even supposed to get the results until next week, worrying me that they must have found something really bad, rushing the results to my doctor and his office contacting me, this early. Plus, the last time I got a phonecall like this from him regarding scan results I ended up having to get a colonoscopy(imagine a garden hose up your ass) and they found the polyp in my colon that was bleeding profusely….and if the results were just normal, the secretary would have just told me that yesterday when she called.

So now all these thoughts are running thru my head: what exactly did they find? What showed up on the scan with the cyst on my ovary? What did they see? How big has that thing gotten? Do they think it looks like cancer now, or what? Has it spread?  Is that something along the lines of what he’s going to tell me later today and what I have to brace myself for and prepare for; that I might even have cancer or something and he’s calling me to alert me of this concern and sending me off for further testing, such as to a specialist, or for a biopsy or even surgery to remove it? That’s what I’m kind of expecting, esp. with it being so soon, so sudden,and seeming so urgent.

So, then the thought occured to me, that maybe yesterday was my Last Day. My last day of a normal life. My last day before I find out I have cancer. The last day of living my life as it is now. The last day before my life is changed forever. The last day before a life-altering diagnosis. The last day of normal everyday life. The last day before bad news. The last day before yet another crisis to befall our family, the last day I have any semblance of a so-called “normal” life, the last day before I know, before I find out, before everything changes, before shock, fear and uncertaintly creep in, but regardless, nothing else has really changed; even if I do have cancer, for example, it’s always been there; it didn’t just appear when it showed up on the scan; that was just the day it was discovered, but it’s been there for awhile, and I’ve had abdomenal pain and bleeding issues for at least the past year now,anyway, but my doctor refused to refer me to a gyno despite my pleas.

At least once the cause of the pain is found, dealt with and removed hopefully it will finally relieve my pain…and maybe now I’ll finally get that referral! I kept telling him for months and months that something was wrong, with the abdomenal pain, the heavy painful periods and bleeding in-between and he just passed it off as woman things and just part of being a woman and something I just have to live with even though I know something’s wrong and it’s not normal and even now I’ve been in menopause for 4 months I still have the pain, and the bloating, cramping,  bad fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, etc. and I even read somewhere that ovarian cancer can be wrongly diagnosed as IBS, esp. since the symptoms can mimic other things, don’t appear until later,and it’s often not diagnosed until the advanced stages…..

Just in case it was my Last Day of “normality” yesterday before my life changes forever and the last time before Big News, at least I was able to fully savour, enjoy and capture the moment. I felt the sun on my face as I was outside walking the dog. I enjoyed eating a chocolate bar, I celebrated Ganja Liberation Day accordingly, loved on my dog, listened to some great music,watched a good TV show, and captured the moment, just in case. My abdomenal and back pain has been worse for the past few days,too, and the best way to describe the abdomenal pain is sometimes it feels really crampy, like bad period cramps or early labour, and other times it’s a gnawing pain, and other times it feels like bad constipation pain or like when you were a kid and had a bad tummyache or when the waistband of your pants was too tight and your stomach hurt. The back pain is like in labour and feels like there’s something hard pressing on it, like when you can feel the baby’s head pressing against the bottom of your spine.

The good news is though that I haven’t had a hallucination in a few weeks…..or at least not that I’m aware of,anyway,and today one of the kids also turns 24! Happy Birthday!

Ovarian Cyst.

Screenshot_699 Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound to see if they can find the cause of my abdomenal pain and as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly and saw something she asked me if I would mind doing a trans-vaginal scan(the one where the wand is shoved up my you-know-what) as it shows a more clearer detailed image  and when I asked her what part she’s looking at she said the cyst on my ovary. So there you have it. That must be it. That must be the issue, what’s been causing my abdomenal pain and maybe even my really sore lower back as well, maybe it’s grown and gotten bigger in size and is pressing on other organs now, or maybe it’s twisting at times, or maybe it’s not even a mere cyst anymore and has become a cancerous tumour now? Maybe I have ovarian cancer?

The entire scan was focused solely on the cyst as well, whereas originally I thought it was of the pelvic organs in general, so they must have found something and they said my doctor gets the results in about a week. As I inserted the wand into my yoo-hoo and the tech was twisting and turning it around I also cracked, This is the most action I’ve had in years! and she started cracking up laughing. At least if it does turn out to be the cyst or a tumour, on my ovary(and she said it is on the right side,too, where my pain is) it’s easy enough to fix: just remove it!

I think I may have had seizures again overnight last night as I was sleeping as well as I kept waking up during the night due to a massive headache I first had at 1 am but also every time I’d awaken I remember my arms and legs and muscles were all rigid and stiff,too, as if I was just coming out of a seizure, which might also explain why I kept waking up and why I’m so tired all day today,and maybe also the reason for the bad headache? My hubby also likes to mock my religious beliefs and faith and he also taunts that I’m not a “good” Christian and I won’t make it to Heaven and I don’t obey God because I have tattoos, use medical marijuana, and wear two different fabrics at the same time, and uses all kinds of silly little nit-picking “technicalities” to try and prove I’m not following the Bible, but who is he to say, or to judge, though? He doesn’t even go to church, hasn’t been to Confession in years, and doesn’t even give a shit about God and religion, so what “qualifications” does he have to judge anyone or to say who gets in to Heaven,anyway?

As well, the 17 YR old left her tacos in the microwave  after they were done and I needed to use it so I just took them out and placed them on the counter beside the microwave and then she gets all bitchy and snarky and huffs that now it’s all contaminated and ruined because I touched it and that I’m disgusting and now she has to throw it out, and goes on and on, as if I have cooties, or leprosy, or something, like I’m a leper, or one of the Untouchables, like in the Bible when a leper approaches a camp and the people shield their faces,backing away and shout, Unclean! Unclean! Why are they so mean to me though? What exactly is their problem? Maybe it simply comes down to this: they’re just mean people and I’m an easy target.Or maybe my kids just suck?

Tomorrow recreational marijuana is legalized as well and so I will expect a haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in celebration as we celebrate accordingly….Peter Tosh would have been so happy.

 

Dying.

Screenshot_493 Poor Sunny the sunflower is dying. Parts are turning yellow now and the leaves are getting some sort of rot on them now, some kind of blemish or blight, and are drying up and dying…..and it just ever stayed a plant and never did produce a flower; never did blossom. Just like me.  Living a hard life of struggle all for nothing and even right to the end never producing any fruits. I wonder if it might also be symbolic,too: it’s dying now and maybe I am,too? Maybe it’s like we live sort of parallel lives and we’re both drying up, withering away,and dying together? Both dying before we ever got a chance to bloom. At least between my Pap test and my ultrasound next month if I really do have reproductive or rectal cancer or something( which would explain my symptoms) they should find something….

Screenshot_490

The kids also got me these amazing pumpkin spice Cheerios because they know other than chocolate that pumpkin spice is my all-time fave. and I love all things pumpkin spice because I am a Basic White Girl like that( although on the inside I’m really actually more Black, but that’s for another post later). When I reacted joyfully and shrieked, Oooohh!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! of course they all tired to take credit for being the one that bought it. Either way, it’s just sooooo good, perfect for snacking on dry, and this makes up for when they took my iPodThey have redeemed themselves.

Until next time.

Screenshot_492

I was also going thru some old photos the other day for Throwback Thursday and I found this one, which is one of my faves of the 15 YR old and I 5 years ago when she was 10. This was back when she used to still love me and let me love her back, back when we used to be really close. Before she grew up and got older and distanced herself from me and pushed me out of her life. When she did it left this big empty hole inside of me, a loss and void  and then Buddy came along and filled it. I love this picture as it reminds me of what we once had, of a happier time, of what I wish I still had, and wish I could get back again. I’ll still always love her; I’m just not “allowed” to express it anymore.

The lump under Buddy’s eye finally popped as well! It was a big, hard, round lump like a pea and it had a big “head” on it like a pimple and he was cuddling with me,looking at me with a sad, pleading, Please help me! look on his face, so I squeezed it and it popped. He did flinch , wince,and yelp slightly, but he didn’t try and bite, wiggle, or escape; it’s like he knew I was helping him even if it hurt. I was able to squeeze out lots of fluid, which was a transparent yellow/orange colour and had a slight metallic odour. Then it went all the way down and deflated but it must have still been itchy as he kept rubbing it against my leg, on the carpet, and scratching it…..but then scratching it he also tore it apart and made this big gash and it split open and when I tried to put a Band-Aid on it he kept running away and was mad at me but I was still able to put antibiotic cream on it and at least on his face he can’t lick it off! I guess it must have been some sort of cyst or boil then being fluid-filled as tumours are solid masses….

I also notice too my own cuts and sores used to heal in just days but lately they take 2-3 weeks so my immune sysyem must be shot, but I also read somewhere if wounds are slow healing it can be an indication you have hemophilia, a blood-clotting disorder. Only males actually have it but females can be carriers, so it makes me wonder, esp. since I do always have really heavy periods and bad hemmoraging with every baby I’ve had at birth and I always need medication to help control the bleeding plus extra monitoring and longer time in the recovery room because I just won’t stop bleeding and I remember when they took that polyp off my colon they called it a real bleeder and said that was unusual and they had to put a clip on it to stop the heavy bleeding as well which they don’t usually do so it does make you wonder, esp. with my inherited Alpha-1 antitrypsan deficiency it makes me wonder what other genetic issues I may also have,too…..

As for Trump nominating a guy to the Supreme Court being accused to sexual assault back as a teen, my thoughts are simply this: I have no way of knowing who’s telling the truth; him or her, but I think the only thing worse than a guilty person getting away is an innocent person being wrongly accused and ruined so I just hope that the truth prevails and is revealed, whatever it may be.

Free The Ganja!

Rastaman In less than a month cannabis will be legalized here in Canada for recreational use, not just for medical use( like I have) as it is now. On 17 October, actually, is the day, although the gov’t announced for the first 6 months it can only legally be purchased from special gov’t shops online, no actual dispensaries that you walk-in. They currently do have such places now that run illegally and are always getting busted and shut down by the police and are then always quick to re-open again. As for me and others that have legal medical prescriptions from doctors we currently get ours online from sanctioned gov’t approved and controlled suppliers. My concern is that it’s so limited. I mean, how are people that don’t have credit cards, for example, supposed to attain it? Maybe it’s so it’s harder for kids to purchase it, although I’m sure they’ll still have the street corner dealers that don’t charge tax, for example, and I had my first credit card ( American Express) when I was 16….. and, of course, they can always steal their parent’s credit cards and use their number, or just have an older, legal-age friend order it for them, just like for generations under-agers have had older people sneak booze for them. There’s always a way.

Another issue is that even when it does become legal for people over 18 to sell, purchase and use weed, the gov’t has still put strict limitations on the types of advertising they can and cannot do. It has to be very plain and unappealing and not indicate at all what the product is or what it does and no fancy attractive labelling, packaging or advertising either and, unlike alcohol(which is also federally regulated and controlled and only sold in special gov’t run stores although now some grocery stores are starting to sell it) they won’t be able to run ads on TV, for example. Alcohol is way more harmful than weed yet the rules are more stricter for weed than they are for alcohol and I hate it that the Fascist Big Brother Police State always has to meddle and control and over-regulate everything. In the spring dispensaries will be able to open to the public, but they’ll need a special license and will be strictly monitored by the gov’t. and it will also be strictly restricted where it can be smoked and some rentals are forbidding it altogether in rental units, even though it will be legal!  I’m glad it will finally be legal, but is this really freedom?

Another beef of mine is with the MeToo movement and others like it. I think it’s going way too far. I support it in the theory woman who have been abused ( and I am one of them, I was molested by a relative from age 4-12) should be able to come forward and be supported(when I told my mother her response was a curt, Why didn’t you stop him?……really? I WAS 4 YEARS OLD!!!! what did you expect me to DO?) and have justice and for it to stop, but what I don’t agree with is how now so many guys are being accused of sexual assault and either everyone’s a pervert, they’re all coming out of the woodwork now and it’s all just being exposed now, or some of it is just lies made up to ruin a person’s reputation, destroy their career and life; how it’s so easy now for a woman to bring down and ruin a man with a mere accusation of sexual assault, and woman are so overly-sensitive to it nowadays a man can’t even flirt or compliment a woman anymore without fear of being accused of sexual harrassment. Like ALL  Political Correctness it has just gone too far. Now they even dig far into a guy’s past to bring up dirt on him now trying to discredit him , even though he might have changed since then and not even be the same person,assuming the accusation is even true, and it’s so ridiculous that pretty soon they’ll even be saying something like, He kissed a classmate in Kindergarten in the schoolyard! That’s sexual assault!

As well, I got a letter in the mail saying I’m due for a Pap Smear again( to check for cervical cancer). I can’t believe it’s been 3 years already!At least between that and the pelvic ultrasound if I do have either uterine, ovarian, or cervical cancer(which would explain my symptoms…..) it should show up…. Time flies by so fast when you’re an adult,too,and the older you get the faster time goes by; a year just whizzes right by and feels like a month but I remember when I was a kid how slowly time seemed to move and a week seemed to take forever and the summer seemed to last forever (and it was wonderful) but I think it’s just that your perception has changed; as a kid you’re not preoccupied with time, schedule, deadlines, commitments, worries, stress, etc. like you are as an adult, and so you’re not as busy and your mind isn’t as addled with the worries and stresses of life so you can just peacefully and quietly sail thru life at a more leisurely pace.

The 15 and 17 YR olds are also even more mouthy, talking-back, nasty, and disrespectful than they usually are to me and so I figure it’s either:

1.They’re on Aunt Flow and extra bitchy.

2.They’re bored and have nothing to do so they decided to f*ck with me.

3.They’re just pissed-off about something and it’s displaced anger; they just decided to take it out on me.

4. I did or said something they don’t like and they’re teenagers so that’s pretty much all the time.

My guess? Maybe they’re mad they got banned from the Dollar Store  being accused of shoplifting, or maybe someone finally called them out for their constantly causing drama, starting rumours, gossiping, talking behind people’s backs,talking “smack” about people, etc. and generally causing trouble with their big mouths, like teenage girls always do, yet at the same time it’s an unacceptable behaviour and people get hurt, and it causes anger, division, conflict, misunderstanding, and unnecessary strife and it needs to be confronted, addressed, discussed, and stopped. I think whatever the reason, they just took it out on me(they even hid my iPod and made me think it was lost).

Teenagers. Now I can see why some animals eat their young. I wonder if I can put them up on e-Bay?

I seem to be the “punching bag”  in this family when people get mad I’m the one that always gets the brunt of their anger, sort of like when a guy has a bad day at the office he comes home and yells at his wife and kids and kicks the dog. I’m the dog that always gets kicked. I also had another bad panic attack last night again too that Buddy has cancer and he’s dying. I was hysterical and sobbing and inconsolable. I wonder though as well if at least part of the emotional breakdown has to do with my bipolar perhaps or maybe even the hormonal changes of menopause, or, perhaps the manic phase of my bipolar is now coming to an end and the depressive phase is coming crashing in on me?

 

When I Die.

Screenshot_470 Today my lower back pain and abdomenal pain are both really bad. Maybe I really do have cancer ( ovarian? cervival?  colon? rectal?) or something afterall? I also felt a POP! in my lower abdomen just before the pain came back and now it feels really crampy and colicky, sort of like early labour and also the closest way to describe the feeling would be like it feels a cement truck keeps pouring liquid cement into my pelvic area and it feels like it keeps expanding and expanding and I feel like I’m going to explode! My abdomen’s also really bloated and I look prego. I wonder if it might also be my ovarian cyst getting bigger, or perhaps maybe even my IBS, inflamed pouches in my colon acting up again, something rupturing maybe, an aneurysm about to burst, or a hernia, perhaps? All I know is I feel like I’m fading away and it feels like there’s something inside me sucking the LIFE out of me, and at times it also literally feels like a suction, like my insides are being sucked down and out of my body from the bottom end, and so it got me thinking…..

If I’m told I’m terminal, what are the last things I want to do?

  1. 1.Spend as much time as I can with My Boy. Buddy and I are like 2 separate halves and when we’re together it makes a whole, and complete one and if either half is missing  the other half is incomplete and can no longer survive. I want to cover him in snuggles, kisses, and love as long as I can before I die. I just love him so much and I want to spend as much time with him as I can and let him know how much I love him and that I’ll love him forever and never forget him and how grateful I am he was in my life and brought me joy,companionship, and love.

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2. Get sunflowers. Even if they’re not in season. Even if it’s in winter, for example. I’ll even splurge and go to the florist, or order online, or buy them at the hospital gift shop or somewhere else more expensive than Wal-Mart  or the grocery store where I usually get them. They make me happy. I also want them for my funeral.

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3. I want to go to the zoo in Toronto and see the hippo. I love hippos and want to see one again before I die. It’s likely even the same hippo that I probably saw at the zoo many times before as a kid and teen when I lived there. (I mean I lived in Toronto, not at the zoo, ha,ha)

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4. Go to Jamaica. I want to go on one last trip, one last vacation, one last getaway. I’ve already been to most of the islands in the Caribbean but not Jamaica and it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go to. Plus I also want to go to the Bob Marley Museum. If I needed surgery though I would go on my trip first, in case I don’t make it, or I’m too sick or hurt ing afterwards to go, or I decline too quickly afterwards.Maybe I’ll even get lucky and I’ll die there, in my fave. spot, my Happy Place, on a tropical beach by the ocean in the Caribbean, listening to Reggae, with the sun shining on my face…

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5. Smoke a big-ass monster joint. I want to get so ripped I can’t even stand up anymore. I want to smoke my face off.

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6. Eat truffles. The really good kind, the delectable kind, the kind that melt in your mouth and make your toes curl and your eyes roll all the way to the back of your head. The decadent kind. the expensive kind. A whole bunch of them, and eat them all at once, and 

because why the helll not; I’m dying anyway!!

 

That’s basically it, I’ve already done everything I’ve wanted to do and been everywhere I wanted to go so I’m ready. I also have been feeling very “ethereral” the past couple of days too so maybe it really won’t be too long now until I die then? I sure hope, and preferably before winter,too as I really don’t want to have to suffer thru another winter. The 23 YR old also told me he got in trouble(apparantly he “didn’t know” it was supposed to be a “secret” and that I “wasn’t supposed to know”) with the oldest for telling me that he and the 20 YR old “take and sell drugs” as he, the girls,and my hubby are always telling me that to upset and worry me and keep me up nights, although I’m really not even sure if it’s even true or not or if they’re just mind-f*cking me again like they always do and playing on my anxieties, worries, fears, and toying with my sensitive Mother-Heart that never stops worrying, fretting, and praying about my kids no matter how old they are, and I still want them to be happy,healthy, and safe.