Dying.

Screenshot_493 Poor Sunny the sunflower is dying. Parts are turning yellow now and the leaves are getting some sort of rot on them now, some kind of blemish or blight, and are drying up and dying…..and it just ever stayed a plant and never did produce a flower; never did blossom. Just like me.  Living a hard life of struggle all for nothing and even right to the end never producing any fruits. I wonder if it might also be symbolic,too: it’s dying now and maybe I am,too? Maybe it’s like we live sort of parallel lives and we’re both drying up, withering away,and dying together? Both dying before we ever got a chance to bloom. At least between my Pap test and my ultrasound next month if I really do have reproductive or rectal cancer or something( which would explain my symptoms) they should find something….

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The kids also got me these amazing pumpkin spice Cheerios because they know other than chocolate that pumpkin spice is my all-time fave. and I love all things pumpkin spice because I am a Basic White Girl like that( although on the inside I’m really actually more Black, but that’s for another post later). When I reacted joyfully and shrieked, Oooohh!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! of course they all tired to take credit for being the one that bought it. Either way, it’s just sooooo good, perfect for snacking on dry, and this makes up for when they took my iPodThey have redeemed themselves.

Until next time.

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I was also going thru some old photos the other day for Throwback Thursday and I found this one, which is one of my faves of the 15 YR old and I 5 years ago when she was 10. This was back when she used to still love me and let me love her back, back when we used to be really close. Before she grew up and got older and distanced herself from me and pushed me out of her life. When she did it left this big empty hole inside of me, a loss and void  and then Buddy came along and filled it. I love this picture as it reminds me of what we once had, of a happier time, of what I wish I still had, and wish I could get back again. I’ll still always love her; I’m just not “allowed” to express it anymore.

The lump under Buddy’s eye finally popped as well! It was a big, hard, round lump like a pea and it had a big “head” on it like a pimple and he was cuddling with me,looking at me with a sad, pleading, Please help me! look on his face, so I squeezed it and it popped. He did flinch , wince,and yelp slightly, but he didn’t try and bite, wiggle, or escape; it’s like he knew I was helping him even if it hurt. I was able to squeeze out lots of fluid, which was a transparent yellow/orange colour and had a slight metallic odour. Then it went all the way down and deflated but it must have still been itchy as he kept rubbing it against my leg, on the carpet, and scratching it…..but then scratching it he also tore it apart and made this big gash and it split open and when I tried to put a Band-Aid on it he kept running away and was mad at me but I was still able to put antibiotic cream on it and at least on his face he can’t lick it off! I guess it must have been some sort of cyst or boil then being fluid-filled as tumours are solid masses….

I also notice too my own cuts and sores used to heal in just days but lately they take 2-3 weeks so my immune sysyem must be shot, but I also read somewhere if wounds are slow healing it can be an indication you have hemophilia, a blood-clotting disorder. Only males actually have it but females can be carriers, so it makes me wonder, esp. since I do always have really heavy periods and bad hemmoraging with every baby I’ve had at birth and I always need medication to help control the bleeding plus extra monitoring and longer time in the recovery room because I just won’t stop bleeding and I remember when they took that polyp off my colon they called it a real bleeder and said that was unusual and they had to put a clip on it to stop the heavy bleeding as well which they don’t usually do so it does make you wonder, esp. with my inherited Alpha-1 antitrypsan deficiency it makes me wonder what other genetic issues I may also have,too…..

As for Trump nominating a guy to the Supreme Court being accused to sexual assault back as a teen, my thoughts are simply this: I have no way of knowing who’s telling the truth; him or her, but I think the only thing worse than a guilty person getting away is an innocent person being wrongly accused and ruined so I just hope that the truth prevails and is revealed, whatever it may be.

Free The Ganja!

Rastaman In less than a month cannabis will be legalized here in Canada for recreational use, not just for medical use( like I have) as it is now. On 17 October, actually, is the day, although the gov’t announced for the first 6 months it can only legally be purchased from special gov’t shops online, no actual dispensaries that you walk-in. They currently do have such places now that run illegally and are always getting busted and shut down by the police and are then always quick to re-open again. As for me and others that have legal medical prescriptions from doctors we currently get ours online from sanctioned gov’t approved and controlled suppliers. My concern is that it’s so limited. I mean, how are people that don’t have credit cards, for example, supposed to attain it? Maybe it’s so it’s harder for kids to purchase it, although I’m sure they’ll still have the street corner dealers that don’t charge tax, for example, and I had my first credit card ( American Express) when I was 16….. and, of course, they can always steal their parent’s credit cards and use their number, or just have an older, legal-age friend order it for them, just like for generations under-agers have had older people sneak booze for them. There’s always a way.

Another issue is that even when it does become legal for people over 18 to sell, purchase and use weed, the gov’t has still put strict limitations on the types of advertising they can and cannot do. It has to be very plain and unappealing and not indicate at all what the product is or what it does and no fancy attractive labelling, packaging or advertising either and, unlike alcohol(which is also federally regulated and controlled and only sold in special gov’t run stores although now some grocery stores are starting to sell it) they won’t be able to run ads on TV, for example. Alcohol is way more harmful than weed yet the rules are more stricter for weed than they are for alcohol and I hate it that the Fascist Big Brother Police State always has to meddle and control and over-regulate everything. In the spring dispensaries will be able to open to the public, but they’ll need a special license and will be strictly monitored by the gov’t. and it will also be strictly restricted where it can be smoked and some rentals are forbidding it altogether in rental units, even though it will be legal!  I’m glad it will finally be legal, but is this really freedom?

Another beef of mine is with the MeToo movement and others like it. I think it’s going way too far. I support it in the theory woman who have been abused ( and I am one of them, I was molested by a relative from age 4-12) should be able to come forward and be supported(when I told my mother her response was a curt, Why didn’t you stop him?……really? I WAS 4 YEARS OLD!!!! what did you expect me to DO?) and have justice and for it to stop, but what I don’t agree with is how now so many guys are being accused of sexual assault and either everyone’s a pervert, they’re all coming out of the woodwork now and it’s all just being exposed now, or some of it is just lies made up to ruin a person’s reputation, destroy their career and life; how it’s so easy now for a woman to bring down and ruin a man with a mere accusation of sexual assault, and woman are so overly-sensitive to it nowadays a man can’t even flirt or compliment a woman anymore without fear of being accused of sexual harrassment. Like ALL  Political Correctness it has just gone too far. Now they even dig far into a guy’s past to bring up dirt on him now trying to discredit him , even though he might have changed since then and not even be the same person,assuming the accusation is even true, and it’s so ridiculous that pretty soon they’ll even be saying something like, He kissed a classmate in Kindergarten in the schoolyard! That’s sexual assault!

As well, I got a letter in the mail saying I’m due for a Pap Smear again( to check for cervical cancer). I can’t believe it’s been 3 years already!At least between that and the pelvic ultrasound if I do have either uterine, ovarian, or cervical cancer(which would explain my symptoms…..) it should show up…. Time flies by so fast when you’re an adult,too,and the older you get the faster time goes by; a year just whizzes right by and feels like a month but I remember when I was a kid how slowly time seemed to move and a week seemed to take forever and the summer seemed to last forever (and it was wonderful) but I think it’s just that your perception has changed; as a kid you’re not preoccupied with time, schedule, deadlines, commitments, worries, stress, etc. like you are as an adult, and so you’re not as busy and your mind isn’t as addled with the worries and stresses of life so you can just peacefully and quietly sail thru life at a more leisurely pace.

The 15 and 17 YR olds are also even more mouthy, talking-back, nasty, and disrespectful than they usually are to me and so I figure it’s either:

1.They’re on Aunt Flow and extra bitchy.

2.They’re bored and have nothing to do so they decided to f*ck with me.

3.They’re just pissed-off about something and it’s displaced anger; they just decided to take it out on me.

4. I did or said something they don’t like and they’re teenagers so that’s pretty much all the time.

My guess? Maybe they’re mad they got banned from the Dollar Store  being accused of shoplifting, or maybe someone finally called them out for their constantly causing drama, starting rumours, gossiping, talking behind people’s backs,talking “smack” about people, etc. and generally causing trouble with their big mouths, like teenage girls always do, yet at the same time it’s an unacceptable behaviour and people get hurt, and it causes anger, division, conflict, misunderstanding, and unnecessary strife and it needs to be confronted, addressed, discussed, and stopped. I think whatever the reason, they just took it out on me(they even hid my iPod and made me think it was lost).

Teenagers. Now I can see why some animals eat their young. I wonder if I can put them up on e-Bay?

I seem to be the “punching bag”  in this family when people get mad I’m the one that always gets the brunt of their anger, sort of like when a guy has a bad day at the office he comes home and yells at his wife and kids and kicks the dog. I’m the dog that always gets kicked. I also had another bad panic attack last night again too that Buddy has cancer and he’s dying. I was hysterical and sobbing and inconsolable. I wonder though as well if at least part of the emotional breakdown has to do with my bipolar perhaps or maybe even the hormonal changes of menopause, or, perhaps the manic phase of my bipolar is now coming to an end and the depressive phase is coming crashing in on me?

 

When I Die.

Screenshot_470 Today my lower back pain and abdomenal pain are both really bad. Maybe I really do have cancer ( ovarian? cervival?  colon? rectal?) or something afterall? I also felt a POP! in my lower abdomen just before the pain came back and now it feels really crampy and colicky, sort of like early labour and also the closest way to describe the feeling would be like it feels a cement truck keeps pouring liquid cement into my pelvic area and it feels like it keeps expanding and expanding and I feel like I’m going to explode! My abdomen’s also really bloated and I look prego. I wonder if it might also be my ovarian cyst getting bigger, or perhaps maybe even my IBS, inflamed pouches in my colon acting up again, something rupturing maybe, an aneurysm about to burst, or a hernia, perhaps? All I know is I feel like I’m fading away and it feels like there’s something inside me sucking the LIFE out of me, and at times it also literally feels like a suction, like my insides are being sucked down and out of my body from the bottom end, and so it got me thinking…..

If I’m told I’m terminal, what are the last things I want to do?

  1. 1.Spend as much time as I can with My Boy. Buddy and I are like 2 separate halves and when we’re together it makes a whole, and complete one and if either half is missing  the other half is incomplete and can no longer survive. I want to cover him in snuggles, kisses, and love as long as I can before I die. I just love him so much and I want to spend as much time with him as I can and let him know how much I love him and that I’ll love him forever and never forget him and how grateful I am he was in my life and brought me joy,companionship, and love.

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2. Get sunflowers. Even if they’re not in season. Even if it’s in winter, for example. I’ll even splurge and go to the florist, or order online, or buy them at the hospital gift shop or somewhere else more expensive than Wal-Mart  or the grocery store where I usually get them. They make me happy. I also want them for my funeral.

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3. I want to go to the zoo in Toronto and see the hippo. I love hippos and want to see one again before I die. It’s likely even the same hippo that I probably saw at the zoo many times before as a kid and teen when I lived there. (I mean I lived in Toronto, not at the zoo, ha,ha)

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4. Go to Jamaica. I want to go on one last trip, one last vacation, one last getaway. I’ve already been to most of the islands in the Caribbean but not Jamaica and it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go to. Plus I also want to go to the Bob Marley Museum. If I needed surgery though I would go on my trip first, in case I don’t make it, or I’m too sick or hurt ing afterwards to go, or I decline too quickly afterwards.Maybe I’ll even get lucky and I’ll die there, in my fave. spot, my Happy Place, on a tropical beach by the ocean in the Caribbean, listening to Reggae, with the sun shining on my face…

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5. Smoke a big-ass monster joint. I want to get so ripped I can’t even stand up anymore. I want to smoke my face off.

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6. Eat truffles. The really good kind, the delectable kind, the kind that melt in your mouth and make your toes curl and your eyes roll all the way to the back of your head. The decadent kind. the expensive kind. A whole bunch of them, and eat them all at once, and 

because why the helll not; I’m dying anyway!!

 

That’s basically it, I’ve already done everything I’ve wanted to do and been everywhere I wanted to go so I’m ready. I also have been feeling very “ethereral” the past couple of days too so maybe it really won’t be too long now until I die then? I sure hope, and preferably before winter,too as I really don’t want to have to suffer thru another winter. The 23 YR old also told me he got in trouble(apparantly he “didn’t know” it was supposed to be a “secret” and that I “wasn’t supposed to know”) with the oldest for telling me that he and the 20 YR old “take and sell drugs” as he, the girls,and my hubby are always telling me that to upset and worry me and keep me up nights, although I’m really not even sure if it’s even true or not or if they’re just mind-f*cking me again like they always do and playing on my anxieties, worries, fears, and toying with my sensitive Mother-Heart that never stops worrying, fretting, and praying about my kids no matter how old they are, and I still want them to be happy,healthy, and safe.

 

Rasta Heaven.

Screenshot_344Last night I had this weird dream I was in Heaven and I was wearing a long tie-dye dress(similar to the one here, the pattern and colour but not strapless) only in the Rasta colours instead of the traditional rainbow colours and my orange Converse hi-tops with a crown of daisies in my hair. I know, you’d think sunflowers since I love them so much but I guess it was a practicality thing as sunflowers are just way too big and wouldn’t fit or be practical and daisies are much smaller and better suited for that kind of thing. Usually in those kind of dreams I’m wearing a loose, long flowing white gauze dress and bare feet with the crown of daisies in my hair.

BuddyLump This is also the lump under Buddy’s eye. He seems ok otherwise though; still playing, running around, barking if someone comes to the door, tracking scents, going on long walks, sniffing out mice, chasing chipmunks, etc. I also had this major panic attack last night at bedtime that he has cancer and he’s dying and it just felt so real  and I was convinced he was dying and I was losing him I was crying and crying, my heart was breaking  and I was sobbing heavily the tears wouldn’t stop flowing and I snuggled him close to me and I got his fur all wet.I felt so despairing, so desolate, so shattered, so gutted.

I was so worried and fearful it kept me awake half the night. I hope NOT though, just a fear, and maybe it’s even just allergies or something,too causing the swelling and not a tumour, but in any case, in case he doesn’t have too much time left I’m going to ensure he enjoys what time he does have left, spending as much time as I can with him, loving on him as much as possible, doing his fave. things I know he loves and enjoys,making him happy, making his Last Days as fun-filled, love-filled and enjoyable as possible and so that he knows how much he’s loved. I don’t even want to live in a world without him though; he’s brought love, joy,and light into my life, gives me a reason to get up every morning and to keep going each day. My world revolves around him; he is my heart.

Buddy5 I also took this photo of Buddy and I sharing an ice cream and I love the way it turned out with the shadow effect. So cool.

moi Progress on my Smile Project. It’s hard for me to smile, but I’m trying. Someone also stole the 23 YR old’s bike from the shed in our fenced-in backyard. People SUCK.

Never Get To Blossom.

Screenshot_133 This is Sunny The Sunflower. It’s tall now, around 3 feet but still no sign of any flower and now it’s sickly-looking, wilted and dying. Maybe it’s defective? Asexual? Infertile? I always seem to get the brokem defective stuff. This poor wilted little flower reminds me of myself in life: never got a chance to blossom. Both of us will likely live our lives and then just wither up and die without ever blossoming, without ever blooming. We grow bigger, we grow taller, we endure the hardships and storms of life,we age and mature, but we never get to blossom, never get to bloom into the pretty flower, never get to become something beautiful, never get to our potential, never get to shine, never get to contribute to the garden, never get our time in the sun, never get to be picked for our beauty, never get to be a flower, but just stay a plant but never progress, grow, or transform beyond that and then just wither up and die without ever getting to blossom. Maybe it’s sheltered too much inside and hasn’t got a chance to grow properly, or maybe it’s just stunted or missed out on certain opportunities in life and wasn’t able to blossom, also like me? This pathetic and struggling little plant is so symbolic of me and my life; struggling, surviving, but never get to blossom.

Screenshot_132 The Daily Bruise: Day 7. It’s been a whole week now and it still looks this good! I wonder how long it will take until it heals up completely? I also have this massive headache and I tried another allergy med as well and I still have the constant runny stuffy nose and it made me wonder: maybe it’s actually not just my allergies afterall but in actual fact something else that mimics the same symptoms and I just assume it’s my allergies? Maybe it’s even a tumour in my sinus or CSF or something somehow leaking from my brain causing headaches and what I just think are my usual allergies, esp. since the usual allergy meds no longer work anymore to relieve them, unless I’m just somehow immune to them now, or something? I also hope with my mother’s back pain that she doesn’t have bone cancer or something, affecting her spine,causing the pain, although you’d think something like that would have showed up in the scans….

Screenshot_134 I was also bored and so I drew this little stretching baby hippo doodle. Just because.

Screenshot_136  Here is my little sweetie.He actually poses for the camera. He’s such a ham. I just love him so much.He is my heart, my joy, my light, my love, my life, my everything. I’m so grateful God sent him to me and getting him was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could never thank God enough for the blessing and gift that He gave me when He gave him to me. I prayed for Him to send me someone to love me and He did: pure selfless unconditional love.

Holding On.

Screenshot_983 When I first got up I’d thought either my extreme abdomenal pain was starting to get a bit better or I was adapting and just learning to live with acute pain….but then later on it came back just as bad again and worsening again now but I’m still holding on; I’m still here, I’m still alive. I was laying  down and Buddy(who is a miniature Dachshund, remember, and only weighs 13 pounds) stepped on my belly and the pain shot thru, red-hot and felt like I was being stabbed with a searing-hot fireplace poker, but the odd thing was that when I screamed and he jumped off it hurt even more, even worse than when he jumped on! I just doubled-over, gasped, moaned, and rolled over in agony. I tried being outside but could only last a little while and was extra sweaty(but I can’t tell if it’s because I might have a fever or just because it’s hot out) and ended up having to come inside and lay on the couch in my only comfortable position laying on my left side, curled up, with my knees bent up to my chest.

My entire abdomen and pelvic region is affected, incl. even the crotch and ass part  that touches the saddle when you ride a horse(and sometimes that part feels menthol- cold and tingles too, like that feeling when you rub wintergreen A5-35 on your sore back); they feel tender, and the abdomen itself is in a classification of pain all on it’s own. It has to be something rupturing( appendix? aneurysm?) or abdomenal or pelvic infection of some sort, or some kind of cancer. I don’t know what else would cause this kind of pain. I wonder what it is though? Uterus? Colon? Appendix? Kidneys? Bladder? Something is obviously very loudly declaring itself letting me know something’s wrong, but what is it?

The lump under Buddy’s eye is much bigger and growing now as well, increasing my worry that he has cancer and that it’s not just a bug bite or something. We are both growing old and grey together and maybe now we also are both going thru cancer and are dying together as well?Maybe we’ll even die together, at the same time, snuggled up together? I just hope that I die first, for one thing because I can’t bear to lose him and they say God doesn’t give you more than you can bear, and I’ll be waiting for him on the Other Side, and I’ll call him, like I see in my dreams, and he’ll come running over, tail wagging, and leap into my arms, licking my face as I embrace him and pet him, together forever, for all eternity, best friends always. ♥ I had to nap again as well and my faithful little friend came up with me and snuggled down beside me and to guard me, and in case whatever this is does end up killing me any day soon I also shaved my legs as I don’t want to be remembered as the stiff that came to the morgue with the hairy legs. I also cut my hair and painted my toenails so I at least look halfway decent when I die and I make sure I wear clean underwear that doesn’t have holes in it. Because you never know.

It’s also my mother’s birthday today; she’s 77, and the pool guy came back as it’s still leaking and he found another leak, with the backwash, so he fixed that and if it works  hopefully we can get the chemicals back in and get it cleaned up clear and blue before our cousins from Europe visit next week…I wonder if I’ll even still be alive by then?

Still Here.

Screenshot_980 I’m still here, but just barely.  I’m not dead, or at least not yet but the searing abdomenal pain continues on and  it woke me up a few times during the night and I couldn’t sleep on my stomach like normal I had to sleep on my side curled up with my knees bent which was the most comfortable position but every time I’d move, shift, or change position it would worsen and if you actually touch it then it’s so agonizing I shriek and jump 10 feet into the air . It always feels like I’m full of shit and have to shit as well even though I don’t and even when I do there’s still no relief and I have lots of gas and I alternate between feeling sweaty and chilled. You know I’m in bad shape as I didn’t even go outside today(and I only was able to take Buddy out for one walk instead of his usual 3-4; it even hurts to walk, it pulls on my abdomen and pain shoots thru and I toddle along ever so slowly and I hunch over, it hurts too much to stand straight upright, so the other times I just let him go out in the yard) in the sun; I just stayed on the couch curled up on my side with my knees bent and drawn up and for a few hours I even went up to my bed(where it’s the most comfortable) and had a nap. Buddy also came up and joined me and he’s still guarding me extra and seems extra concerned and anxious, like he can sense something’s wrong.He also kept barking and whining while standing over me as well, while pawing, scratching and licking me, as if trying to alert someone, to call them over to me. He takes such good care of me and I love him so much. ♥

I’m thinking most likely an infection of some sort, like maybe from a rupturing appendix, or a kidney infection(esp. since my back really hurts too), perhaps, and it spread to my entire abdomenal region and even though it’s tender and the pain is over the entire area it’s worse  down the middle and on both the lower left and right sides. I don’t think I’m peeing as much either and my appetite is gone,too; I just don’t feel like eating, and maybe it’s even my ovarian cyst or cyst on my kidney that’s ruptured or twisting, or even a bowel obstruction or cancer(colon? rectal? uterine? ovarian? stomach?) of some sort, or an abdomenal aneurysm about to rupture. All I know is that it really hurts like f*ck and it immobilizes me.

My hubby dismissed it because I’m not saying all the time about how much pain I’m in but that’s not my way; when I’m in pain I silently withdraw off by myself and suffer in silence. Unlike my mother who makes a grand spectacle of her suffering, I don’t go around announcing and “milking” mine; I basically keep it to myself and go off on my own and suffer silently.I remember when I went to the hospital with my liver failure 11 years ago they didn’t believe it at first either(and sent me home) as they said I didn’t look or act sick enough (even though I felt like I was fading away) but they called 2 days later and said I was right: the blood tests confirmed it: I had Obstetric Cholestasis. The possibilities are endless.

The pain is severe enough (8-9 out of 10 on the pain scale and it hurts more than my gallstone attacks did(they were a 6 on the pain scale) and is comparable to surgery pain) that would normally warrant a trip to the ER but I’m afraid if I go they’ll still not be able to find anything and they’ll just send me home saying it’s just IBS, a gastro virus, period cramps, “woman’s issues”, or bad gas pain or something, so really what’s the point? I’ll just brave it, wait it out and hope it passes on it’s own.

It’s weird about the lump under Buddy’s eye as well: some days it’s bigger, other days it’s smaller, and then bigger again; it keeps changing, and I hope it’s not cancer, but instead an absess or a cyst or just a fatty tumour or something, and that it just clears up on it’s own, but luckily he doesn’t act sick and is still doing all his usual stuff( eating, playing, going for walks, barking at the door, greeting me,etc.) which is encouraging,although it does worry me he’s thinner and I can see his spine now, and the 22 YR old got some sort of scholarship for university for this year as well ( her 4th year) so tuition is paid. She’s taking psychology and aims to go for her PhD! It’s funny as well watching my hubby playing video games with the kids as he doesn’t know what he’s doing and I can overhear him, How do I jump? I don’t know which direction I’m going! Help!! Where am I going? I got shot! Where am I? I don’t think my controller’s working.. hahaha!

The kids are waiting for trading cards in the mail as well and when the mail lady came my mother was sitting on the veranda and saw she had a package( it was my weed!) and she asked her if it was their cards they watch for every day and she goes, No, this is something completely different! So I guess that answers my question as to if the mail carriers actually know that it’s weed, but I wonder how though as there’s nothing indicating on the return address and it’s cannabis oil, which (esp. how it’s packaged) doesn’t have a strong or noticeable odour unlike the dried bud, which you don’t need to be a drug-sniffing dog to detect! 😀