The Wreath.

Screen Shot 11-26-17 at 06.33 PM Yesterday I put up the big wreath on our balcony. It looked so bare since my hubby is too lazy this year to put up the outdoor Christmas lights and we always have a huge display of lights, it rivals Snoopy’s doghouse but this year he’s being petty, childish, immature, spiteful and holding a grudge refusing to put them up because he didn’t like the way I took them down last year. What a suck and big baby. Now it looks so bare and forlorn and the neighbours will all wondered what happened; they’ll probably think we turned Jewish or something when really it’s just laziness. I used this clear string to tie it on, I think it’s called fishing wire or fishing line or something like that,and of course the damn roll went off the balcony and fell down into the bush below, just my typical luck, so I had to go all the way down and get it but of course I forgot the scissors so I wasn’t able to cut it. Doesn’t it figure? The story of my life. Life is hard when you’re stupid. Plus, I don’t think I fully recovered from Saturday as even yesterday(I guess I’m lucky that I didn’t fall off the balcony with it,too!) I kept tripping on my skirt and fumbling, and in church I felt like I was going to faint and reading the Missal the words were all blurry and I saw double, unless, of course, it’s due to the recent head injury I had. Either way, I plodded thru my day in a haze, and I’m still having trouble spelling words as I type and I never even had any weed, so maybe it’s not that, but due to when I hit my head,afterall….

As well, our town had the Santa Claus Parade yesterday as well during church and the lady that sits behind me and talks to me asked, Oh, you don’t want to be standing out in the cold, freezing, watching the parade? and I told her, Nah, I’d much rather be in here where it’s nice and warm and she said she’d rather be at her condo in Florida and I said, I’d rather be on the beach in the Caribbean and we both had a good laugh. There was also a little girl in church sitting a few rows ahead of me cuddling and hugging her mother and it reminded me so much of the 14 YR old and I when she was younger, when she used to love me and when we were really close and she let me hug her, before she decided one day that she doesn’t love me anymore and no longer wanted to talk to me, confide in me, or share her life with me anymore, and it made me sad for what I’ve lost and wish I still had, and I hope that my loving her wasn’t what damaged her and broke her; how can you love someone too much? Grieving for someone that’s still alive is one of the hardest things.

Now my hubby also has the redneck sports un-muted on the news every night now even though my mother and I always had it muted before because neither of us like it(and majority rules) but he just comes in and takes over and she won’t stand up to him and always takes his side against me(even though she doesn’t like that redneck crap either) once again asserting their power, dominance, control,and authority over me, reminding me that what I think, want, feel, like, my opinion, preferences, considerations, etc. don’t matter and don’t count and I have no say at all in my own home. I don’t care if he wants to watch that crap when he’s on his own, just not when I’m there, and I want to watch my news in peace, without redneck shit that really gets on my nerves(and he knows it, that’s why he does it, just to purposely irk me, and to make me feel powerless.) I just hate that shit with such a passion that even when I’m on my own listening to the news on the radio I turn it off when the redneck sports comes on. It has nothing to do with him; it’s just a pet-peeve of mine; something I just can’t stand or tolerate, a line I won’t cross, and he just won’t respect that…..because he doesn’t care about or respect me.

When I Die.

Screen Shot 09-25-17 at 04.25 PM 001 I was originally going to post a book review of the latest Beverly Lewis Amish-themed book I read, The Proving, but I’ve just been so lazy and other things just keep on coming up and I feel like a reluctant highschooler delaying an assignment groaning, Ugh, I don’t want to have to do a boring book report! so today you have this post instead:

I was thinking I really hope that it turns out that I do have cancer afterall as I would see it as a blessing and a gift because it would finally give me a way out of my miserable life, toxic family, and unhappy existance; what I’ve been waiting for for years, I’ve wanted to die, hoping to die, and been waiting to die for a long time and this will finally be my chance, my opportunity, and I have such an intense longing for heaven too and this will finally allow me the opportunity, only without the sin of suicide. I will actually be very let-down and disappointed if it turns out I don’t have it afterall(and I still have decades to live !) even though the symptoms ( diarrhrea, extreme weight loss, abdomenal pain,and history of colon cancer in my family)strongly suggests otherwise. Most people would hope and pray that they don’t have it and would be so relieved that they don’t, but not me; most people don’t want to die, but not me, I’m eagerly looking forward to it, and anything that brings that day closer I will be grateful for, and besides, my life isn’t worth saving anyway,and it’s not that I’m giving up; I’m letting go.

If it turns out I am dying, I hope to go to Jamaica and die there and my ideal setting would be dying on the beach in the Caribbean; my Happy Place, under a palm tree, looking out at the ocean, watching the sun set, listening to Reggae music and smoking a big ‘ol fat joint,and snuggling with my dog. These are the things that make me the most happy and if I die surrounded by them I’ll die happy and with a smile on my face. They say in Heaven your dream come true too so if that’s true then for me it would consist of me living in a replica of my old Toronto house only on a tropical beach setting with palm trees by the ocean and a field of sunflowers out the back and reunited again with my fave. dogs, Chihuahuas Teeniea, Chibby, and Yuri,and of course Buddy later on. To me, that is pure happiness.So is being pretty and finding love but I don’t know if that’s possible, esp. in the spirit realm…but you never know, right? Anything is possible with God…

I was also thinking how happy and better off my family would be when I do die. They all hate me, think I’m annoying, a burden, and don’t want me around anyway, so they would be happy to see me go, and there would be less conflict with me gone as my mother and hubby wouldn’t have me to kick around and berate anymore, and they say I don’t do anything anyway so they won’t even notice I’m gone, and with one less person it will save $$$ on groceries and a smaller house with one less bedroom, they’ll get my life insurance $$$ and likely stop going to church(which they hate) and be rid of me at the same time! If you ask me, I think they’d be happy actually, joyous even, none of them will even cry, be sad, or miss me but will probably cheer, Finally! She’s gone! We’re rid of her!!

The 10 YR old was freaking out about some trivial thing as well and had a major spaz meltdown; he went full retard and so my mother said he didn’t have to do his math and just double-up and do both the next day and I said that’s not acceptable and my hubby would agree and then she snarked, You don’t do it anymore, so I’m in charge, in less you want to take over? (I can only do math up to grade 6 and then my hubby has to take over but he’s always been the one in charge of the math; my brain can’t handle it but lately he doesn’t have the time so my mother’s been supervising it) and then he said he agreed with me and she sneered that “snitched” on her to him(and he made him do the math,anyway) even though he and I are the parentsnot her, and we make the final decision with the kids, incl. homeschooling, and it’s not up to her to veto it,and then she huffs that when we’re not doing our jobs she has to step in and take over and pick up the slack,and I told her that there’s a difference between helping out and over-stepping boundaries, taking over, and meddling; there’s a fine line between helping and taking over but she doesn’t seem to know the difference( or care) and always crosses that line. She’s just a nasty little troll.

Cuba, Part Eight.

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Final Chapter.

My flight home was an HR late leaving; it didn’t leave until 10:30 pm, so I was stuck for 4 HRS waiting at the airport to leave, bored out of my mind, and it’s a small airport,in the city of Jardines Del Rey, so not much to do, although it did have a couple of gift shops and I bought this cool Che Guevara T-shirt and a military-style hat. I was just soooo tired too that I laid down curled up on a couple of chairs and rested for awhile because I knew it was going to be a long night and it was; I didn’t get back home until 4 am by the time I got thru customs, got my luggage, and the 2 HR drive home from the airport, and I had been awake for 22 HRS and I was just exhausted! The photo here was taken on my departure day. Check out my epic tan!

I thought I had lost the second half of my Cuban travel document( I had a similar one in Barbados as well; half for entry and half for departure) I had forgotten about it or that I still needed the second half and I couldn’t find it so there I was, standing in line to check in, frantically looking everywhere for it, with my suitcase open….I eventually did find it, in my money belt shoved in hidden behind something….thank God….but I was frantic… I also did pay the extra to get extra leg room on the flight back and it was well worth it; it was glorious and because everyone else was too cheap to pay the seats around me were all empty so it was like I had the entire section private, all to myself, and I felt like some rich swell or celebrity travelling First Class or by private jet.

I also did a barf in the bathroom on the flight home; my stomach felt upset, and another really big one the next morning after I had breakfast,and continue to have bad abdomenal pain but once I got back at least The Shits let up,and on the way home from the airport we almost hit a deer that suddenly darted out in front of us on the highway out of nowhere as well, and Buddy really missed me,too, he piddled he was so excited to see me and he just melted into my arms and stayed still in my embrace, unmoving, for the longest time, it was so sweet,and stayed glued right next to me in bed all night. I really missed him,too.

The 14 YR old still continues to be really mean, disrespectful and mouthy to me as well, and yet I have no idea why; she acts like she hates me and wants nothing to do with me and I have no idea why or what I ever did to her(or what she thinks I may have done to her) when I did nothing but love her and we used to be really close until she became like this, yet now whenever I try to talk to her or even say anything at all to her she’ll snap, Just shut up! Don’t talk to me! or Why would I tell you? I don’t talk to you! or about my hubby, At least he has a job, unlike you! (even though my job is staying home with and raising and homeschooling the kids but I guess to her that means nothing) and she’s just so nasty to me in general and always pushes me away and has nothing but mean barbs for me, and I have no idea why and she refuses to tell me and it just breaks my heart…it’s just really hurtful and confusing….I love her so much…..why can’t she just be nice?

Cuba, Part Seven.

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I have abdomenal cramps now as well as The Shits, and due to my hair someone else thought I was a dude,too, and I can imagine people wondering about me, what my story is, the Mysterious Bald Lady, all alone, always keeping to myself, wearing my sunglasses, always looking down or away, never making eye contact, like a lone hippo separate from the herd, thinking, What’s her story?  They probably think I’m coming off  of a divorce, or I’m grieving or something, when really it’s recovery following another suicide attempt…I also saw Cuban bikers at the bar and at the tables in the bar(that’s where I have to go to get my drinks; my cola,lemonade, and orange, mango, pineapple,or pina colada slushies and drinks) they have artificial sunflowers in vases and it felt like it was a special “sign” just for me, and there’s this painting on the wall in my room too and at first I thought was of a captive on a slave ship and it made me sad but when I looked closer(when I put my reading glasses on) realized it was a fisherman on a fishing boat  and I felt better.

The 17 YR old also had a birthday and so now she’s 18; an official adult, and I just love the Caribbean so muchbelong here; I’m an Island Girl born in the wrong country, and I don’t know what the poor Cubans will think later once Americans will be allowed in; they’re easily the most loudest, most obnoxious tourists, and in all my travels I can always spot the Americans in the group! I also enjoyed my last sunset at the beach as well and there was a guy swimming naked!  I had to look twice to make sure that I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing,and then I just laughed and looked away; too bad he wasn’t hot though( he was old) but I have seen lots of hot guys here; not that it matters though when every other woman’s thinner and prettier than I am; how can I ever possibly compete with that? Sometimes I really do wonder if maybe I really am just too ugly to deserve love and happiness?

It’s so beautiful here as well I can see how Hemingway was inspired to write 2 of his novels here, it’s a tropical paradise,  and you can tell who’s just recently arrived,too, as they’re either pasty white or all sunburned red, or who’s been here awhile as they’re all nice and brown! Interesting I also noticed is that here I’m not run-down exhausted , wiped-out and drained like I always am at home, so is it perhaps because maybe I’m not being poisoned here, away from my family, or maybe it’s the sun and warm weather that lifts my spirits, or maybe just that I’m away from them and removed from that toxic environment that destroys me and kills my spirit, or maybe it’s just that I’m relaxed and stress-free and can unwind and in my Happy Place it’s just therapeutic and healing and I just generally feel better, have more energy, have higher spirits, and am just healthier here overall in mind, body,and spirit.

Cuba, Part Six.

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At the beach I dragged my lounge chair into the water just at the edge of the shore so I’d feel the waves lapping up against me and also cool off as I lay in the sun! I stayed for 4 HRS. This little black and white striped fish also kept circling around me as well and I saw a school of trout-sized fish swim past me,too! I also walked past some performers congregated behind a building and smelled weed and it made me wish I had some too and I was tempted to offer to buy a doobie off them but I was too shy, and I also discovered that Cuban cigars smell somewhat like weed as well.

I also fantasize of a Cuban romance with a Latin lover, but that’s just not me and I’ll just have to be content with my imagination and fantasizes, and so far all I bought was a fridge magnet with Che Guevara on it from a vendor at the beach, and the Cuban Peso’s as bad as the American Dollar as when I exchanged 100$ at the bank I only got 66 Pesos worth and I use most of it for tipping; my fave. waiter( who goes all the way to the bar to get my cola in the morning), my fave. waitresses, the gardener, the maid…etc..esp. since I remember reading somewhere that the average salary in Cuba is only 20$ a month so if I tip someone 5-10 pesos it would be alot of money to them. I also brought American $$$$ as I heard somewhere that they liked to be tipped in that currency as well as they can get lots of stuff on the black market with it.

I hardly ever even think about home,either, and Buddy’s really the only one I miss(it’s because of them I had to get away!!) and the girls said they took him to a dog festival as well and he was the only Dachshund there and he was a very popular little fellow and he had a great time but came back home exhausted and just flopped out, and I bet that’s what Heaven’s like,too; you’re so happy where you are you don’t think about what you left behind or miss it. I also heard this lyric in a song, It’s ok to be alone, you can make it on your own….and it felt like it was speaking to me….

I have The Shits again,too,and it feels like my poor arse is burning and on fire, so it must either be something in the water or I ate something with cream in it that I wasn’t aware of, or it’s all the mangoes I’m eating, or perhaps the meat in the souvlaki’s undercooked, or something,and they have the best mangoes here I’ve ever had in my life,too; so ripe, juicy,and tasty! YUM!! There’s also a nearby town here called Moron and “moron” in English means idiot or stupid so it made me laugh! I can’t wait to see Buddy again and hold him in my arms again; I really miss my boy!

Cuba, Part Five.

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I was in the sun for 6 HRS; 3 HRS at the beach in the morning and then 3 HRS again later in the afternoon at the pool. When I was in the pool a live rock band played too and covered AC/DC, Guns & Roses, Stevie Ray Vaughn, etc. and it was amazing and I was dancing away in the water and really rocked out, letting loose and not even caring how stupid I may have looked, I just felt so free and carefree and let the music take over( I had the music in me), and I just enjoyed myself. I have this dream fantasy as well when I come home that to show that they missed me I’ll be welcomed home being greeted with a big vase of sunflowers but I doubt it,they probably don’t even realize that I’m gone, or even notice, but whatever; f*ck it.

I wonder too if I’ll ever be  me again( who I used to be before) and if it’s ok to be her again, if I’m meant to be her, supposed to be her, if God created me to be her, and wants me to be her and I should go back to being her,and maybe I will be again in Heaven, or will I be someone else entirely new? There was also a live jazz musician playing the sax at the bar so I went to see him,and for the first time since the YMCA group I feel like a real adult here, and I came all the way to Cuba by myself so maybe I am more capable than I thought and I really could live on my own, although we still can’t afford 2 residences even so….

I had my hair re-done by the barber as well and they did it in the “faded” style where it’s shaved shorter in some spots and longer in others and blends in and it looks really good,  but I’m still so ugly no matter what that even sitting alone in a bar no one tries to pick me up. Talk about depressing. Not that I would have accepted(I’m not that kind of girl) but it would have been nice to be asked.I often wonder too if my unhappy life and loveless marriage is some sort of “punishment” for something,too, but for what?

It also makes me sad seeing seeing the romantic couples here; a reminder of what I’ll never have, and what I crave the most is that human touch, connection, and contact,,and being alone is ok; it’s being lonely that’s so hard, and I have to try and convince myself that I am worthy of ,and deserve, happiness and love, and on the flight down here rubbing elbows with my seat-mate was the most physical human contact I’ve had in a long time! Most of the resort guests are from Quebec as well, some from the GTA, and a few Russians and Italians, and I heard someone say the resort’s only half full,too.

Cuba, Part Four.

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I watched the sun set on the beach  and here the sun goes down just before 8 pm. I just love the beach,too, it’s my fave. place and a piece of Heaven on Earth and my Happy Place and where I find solitude and peace and I love hearing the waves crashing along the shore and watching the ebb and flow of the tide(and sometimes it comes in closer and other times it’s farther out) and I saw a sand crab as well! I also noticed  my outer right ankle’s really swollen as well so I must have been bitten by something, maybe some kind of poisonous spider or something, ha,ha…

They spray the grounds for mosquitoes here twice a day as well; in the morning and at dusk; a truck goes by and sprays and workers also have these “jet-packs” on their backs with hoses attached that they use to spray with, and they do have activities here such as volleyball, karioke, clubbing, etc. but I avoid social events and just keep to myself; I’ve never been one to socialize anyway and I came here to relax and be on my own, away from everything and everyone. I could have gone to Varadero which was another option, like my friend C went to, but it’s too tourist-y and crowded and I wanted a more secluded quiet place so I decided to come here instead and I’m glad I did.

I still can’t believe that I’m really here,either, it seems like a dream and I have to pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming,and this big barracuda swam just mere inches past me as well only at first I didn’t even know what it was until someone told me, I just thought to myself, Woah, that’s a really big fish! and then someone pointed out what it was, and that it’s actually a type of shark,and they told me that one recently bit off the baby toe of a tourist so it’s a good thing that I didn’t get too close to it or reach out and touch it! The strangest thing ever happened to me as I was laying on the beach as well: a small biplane buzzed by overhead and it was flying so low I could read the serial number on it and smell the jet fuel….and then it sprayed pesticide(either crop dusting, or more likely, for mosquitoes) all over me,and it felt like it was raining!

Another bartender called me sir as well; what is it with bartenders, anyway, and it’s so beautiful here I imagine this is what the Garden Of Eden must have been like, and I often walk barefoot (especially as my feet hurt) but let them stare; I don’t care; I’m on vacation! It’s a common sight to see me walking back from the beach, sandy feet, barefooted, holding my flip-flops. I also swim as far off in the water as I’m allowed, into the deepest part, as far as the barriers allow us to go, and I brought my goggles too so I can submerge and look at the fish. That’s yet another glaring difference between my hubby and I,too: I just love the water and the beach and he hates it and won’t go anywhere near it because he can’t swim, and he won’t even wear a swimsuit or shorts either because of his chicken legs! 😀