Never Doubt Your Faith.

Screenshot_414 Just recently I had what you would describe as a crisis of faith of sorts. It wasn’t that I ever doubted God though or my faith in Him, but rather  doubts within myself and my own reasoning the physical(evidence) was contradicting with the spiritual and I was torn and didn’t know what to believe and then a small, still voice impressed upon my heart: Never doubt your faith. Never doubt, most importantly, your faith in God, but also never doubt your faith in yourself and your abilities, capabilities, strength, resilience, endurance, and worth, and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Screenshot_413 I had been praying for a sign of roses from St. Therese that the lump under Buddy’s eye wasn’t cancer and he wasn’t dying anytime soon and I did keep seeing, everywhere, online, on TV, in ads, outside, in various colours, an obvious sign from St. Therese, even praying hands holding a rose, now that’s pretty obvious, and as about as clear as an answer and reassurance could be….

and yet…..

I was still afraid he had cancer and was dying because despite the answer to my prayer and despite my strong faith, the physical signs worried me greatly and caused me doubt, What if this  time it’s wrong?  What if it really wasn’t St. Therese who sent me the roses as a sign but someone else did, to deceive me? etc. and all kinds of doubts and fears plagued me and I wasn’t sure what to think and what to believe anymore and then I felt so guilty, so weak, that my faith  had been put to the test like that and I was struggling so much,losing, and that my doubts were seemingly stronger than my faith…I needed something concrete  I could hold on to for hope.

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As it turned out my prayers were answered and the signs were legit: Buddy’s lump is much smaller and shrinking down now(and he’s feeling better today too and back to eating again) and if it was a tumour it wouldn’t just heal like that on it’s own, not without Divine healing, unless, of course, when I blessed him the other day,laid my hands on him and prayed a healing prayer over him God healed him? Either way, I’m just thankful and I just have to remember to never doubt my faith.

The Creature.

Screenshot_143 I’m still sure we still have some sort of wild creature hiding somewhere in our house. The test food that I leave out overnight is always gone in the morning and I know it’s not Buddy because he’s always up in my room with me and the door’s closed all night. Plus, today he got scared shitless: something was chasing him and possibly trying to either attack or eat him,and whatever it was it scared the bejesus out of him! I hadn’t seen him for awhile so I went looking for him and when I got to the play room he suddenly came scrambling out of someplace towards me at warp speed, hind quarters and tail tucked underneath him, his stubby little legs running as fast as they can, with this terrified look on his face and leaped into my arms, shivering in fear, heart thumping, and he just clung to me in fear, his claws digging into me, he was just so scared; something was after him! When I later asked him where the bad thing that hurt you was he kept going over to the wall with the shelves, stood there barking, so maybe it’s hiding somewhere behind there?

For the rest of the day he was extra scared, clingy, vigilant, and paranoid as well and wouldn’t leave my side. He would even come upstairs with me, into the bathroom with me, etc. even places he normally wouldn’t and would normally just wait for me downstairs; it’s like he was really scared and didn’t want to be left anywhere alone, needing me beside him to protect him,afraid it was going to come for him again. Poor dog, he must be so afraid. I know how he feels though and can relate; just how I felt trying to avoid the bullies in school.

I do have a rat trap set up I leave out at night(Buddy tried to venture into it for the bait during the day but I don’t want to catch a Dachshund!) but maybe it’s something bigger though, like a cat or a raccoon,and it won’t venture in as it knows it’ll get stuck? At first I even wondered if maybe my family was playing a trick on me; by just throwing out the food at night having me think something was eating it, but Buddy was  definitely really frightened of something and something did really happen to him,and before something did bite his tail,too, and that’s probably what happened to his eye,too; it got scratched or something…so I know this can’t be my imagination this time….

Screenshot_142 Walking home from church the kind elderly man I talk to and that always has kind comments for me also gave me this: a gladiola! I love them! Wasn’t that nice? That guy always makes my day. His wife has this big beautiful garden. They also have sunflowers too and I asked their secret on how to grow them so well and he said she just has a Green Thumb, and surprised me as well by telling me that sunflowers will return and come up again in the garden year after year; you don’t have to keep re-planting them! Of course, that is, assuming that you can grow them in the first place, which doesn’t work for me. The 17 YR old also went to Wonderland amusement park with a friend, and the Edmonton Boys (the oldest and the 20 YR old) are moving soon as well: I’ve been told to a nice apartment with a gym, hot tub, etc.

Screenshot_146 I also put this photo up as this has got to be one of the cutest things I have ever seen: it’s a baby beaver! Isn’t it just precious and adorable?

Screenshot_139 The Daily Bruise: Day 8. It’s been this long and it still looks this good! I wonder how long it will take to heal up completely? Just my typical luck as well: just as I was about to post my blog yesterday; literally it was just a minute before, and my Internet shut down. I mean, it just shut off. So I was freaking out but luckily I had the post saved because weird shit like this happens to me all the time and something will often go wrong and my posts get deleted so I always save it before I post it so I always have a back-up, and so my hubby( who is the computer whiz) looked at it and said the Internet was working fine for everyone else’s computer; it was just mine it wouldn’t connect to. It figures. So he had to do a temporary fix running this big long cable cord thing all thru the room and down the hall, until he was able to go out and buy the part he needed. Why do these things always happen to me? I have the worst luck ever! I seriously think I must be cursed.

Too.

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It really worries me that I’m :

Too ugly,

Too dumb,

Too old,

Too fat,

Too unlovable,

Too worthless,

Too messed-up,

Too damaged,

Too much of a failure,

Too broken,

Too crazy

and

it’s too late,

For me to find love.

To be loved.

To be happy.

To find redemption.

To find peace.

To be free.

For my dreams to still come true.

 

 

As well, as the girls were getting ready to walk to church in the morning( I go later in the evening) I heard my hubby whisper to them, I’ll meet you at the corner, as he was going in the van to go out somewhere, indicating that they were just pretending to walk to church for my benefit but really he was going to drive them somewhere else and of course when I confronted him he denied it but I know what they’re up to, being sneaky and deceptive; I’m not that stupid, faking going to church, and besides, I know that trick; my friend J used to do the same thing Sunday mornings when we were in Jr. High; her mother would think she walked to church but in actual fact she was really hanging out over at my house and the $$$ she gave her for the offering she actually spent on candy at the corner store. It’s bad enough they’re skipping church, but lying and sneaking around makes it even worse. Maybe I should just have them come the same time as me so I can see with my own eyes to make sure that they’re really actually there?

My hubby was also fixing the dishwasher and he blocked access from the kitchen to the backdoor and I couldn’t squeeze thru and couldn’t figure out how to get outside the back door and thought I was trapped when he said to just go around the other way, thru the play room, like how Buddy did, but I never even thought of that. The dog is smarter than I am, but with my Asperger’s brain it doesn’t work like that. My brain can only think in one way and not find other alternative solutions if my usual way is blocked for some reason, or as my mother puts it, I can’t do problem solving. So my “solution: was to just try to squeeze thru but it never occurred to me that there might be another way to access it by going another way. In my mind I didn’t even think of by-passing the kitchen and getting thru the back door by the play room as I always go thru the kitchen so that’s my routine and I see it as the only way and in my mind I think why would I go thru the play room when I ‘m not going in the play room. My brain just doesn’t work like other people’s does. It doesn’t think the same way or compute the same way. It’s like I have a chip missing or something, or wires crossed, or short-circuited. Life is hard when you’re stupid.

 

 

Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.

I Love Me Some Hippo!

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As well, for the past month, maybe even longer, it’s been so long I’ve lost count now, I’m not sleeping well; every night I sleep for maybe 3 hours well and then I keep waking up every hour and also lay awake for 3-4 hours so I’m exhausted; I even wake up tired and with stinging eyes and have to sleep during the day because I’m not sleeping at night so when I see the doc this week maybe he can give me something to help me sleep? I’ve tried melatonin but it doesn’t work for me. Also I keep having scary nightmares bad things happen to Buddy, like he gets attacked and killed by a coyote, or run over by a car, or decapitated, or stolen,or I find him dead, etc. and it’s so horrible it wakes me up and I tell myself to come out of it but it still leaves me rattled and I wonder if it’s just my fear of losing him ( the only joy , light, and love in my life) coming to the surface?

With all the crisis, overwhelming stress, and uncertainty  and worry going on in my life as well I came across this quote in a blog by Stephanie Neilson:

Do you ever feel like your life is kind of like a puzzle,
but you just don’t have all the pieces,
and you spend so much time and effort looking for
just ONE piece to help you see the picture.
It sums up exactly how feel in life and what I’m going thru right now with my hubby looking for a job, financial struggles, losing my drug coverage, likely having to move, not knowing what’s ahead or what to expect, how things are going to work out in the end, if we’re going to be ok, etc. and I went to Confession in church yesterday too in case I do die soon, just in case; it’s better to be ready and prepared….

Victim Souls.

victimSouls On a Catholic site I regularly read I came across an article about Victim Souls  and the thought occurred to me that perhaps that’s maybe what I am, with my life-long misfortune, bad luck, tragedies, traumas, pain, suffering, etc.. as described here: The concept of the victim soul derives from the Roman Catholic teaching on redemptive suffering. Such a person is said to be one chosen by God to suffer more than most people during life, and who generously accepts the suffering, based on the example of Christ’s own Passion.

I have always wondered why. Why am I always plagued with such bad luck, misfortune, everything always going wrong, with one crisis after another, never catching a break, endless trials and trauma….I wondered if maybe I or my family might have even been cursed someone or were being punished, but this might also be another possibility. Could I have maybe possibly been chosen by God to suffer in order to save souls, for others’ salvation? Could that possibly be my purpose in life? Even though I am nobody, just a small insignificant speck in the universe, God has been known throughout history to use the “smallest”, simple, average person to do His will, He has chosen not people of greatness, royalty, wealth and prestige, but the average, lowly, humble person to do His will and He uses people to help one another and to fulfill His purpose. If that’s true then does that mean I do have a purpose in life,afterall, a meaning, even though it also means that I have to struggle just to get thru each day and that I have to endure an unhappy miserable life. Either that, or I just really do just have bad luck…

As well, in church yesterday I had stomach and abdomenal pain so bad I almost threw up from the pain and I spent the entire Gospel and homily in the bathroom doing a shit thinking that would relieve the pain except it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s my stomach ulcer, my liver, or something in my colon but it’s getting really bad. I wish they could just figure out what’s wrong with me and what’s causing it. Whatever it is they’re just not seeing it; it’s hidden and not showing up on the tests yet continues to cause me worsening pain and fatigue. I pretty well slept all day yesterday too although that was also due to the time change; I just couldn’t get my ass in gear. I’ve also had a headache and bad lower back pain for the past 4 days as well and always feel so cold all the time and shivering.