Never Doubt Your Faith.

Screenshot_414 Just recently I had what you would describe as a crisis of faith of sorts. It wasn’t that I ever doubted God though or my faith in Him, but rather  doubts within myself and my own reasoning the physical(evidence) was contradicting with the spiritual and I was torn and didn’t know what to believe and then a small, still voice impressed upon my heart: Never doubt your faith. Never doubt, most importantly, your faith in God, but also never doubt your faith in yourself and your abilities, capabilities, strength, resilience, endurance, and worth, and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Screenshot_413 I had been praying for a sign of roses from St. Therese that the lump under Buddy’s eye wasn’t cancer and he wasn’t dying anytime soon and I did keep seeing, everywhere, online, on TV, in ads, outside, in various colours, an obvious sign from St. Therese, even praying hands holding a rose, now that’s pretty obvious, and as about as clear as an answer and reassurance could be….

and yet…..

I was still afraid he had cancer and was dying because despite the answer to my prayer and despite my strong faith, the physical signs worried me greatly and caused me doubt, What if this  time it’s wrong?  What if it really wasn’t St. Therese who sent me the roses as a sign but someone else did, to deceive me? etc. and all kinds of doubts and fears plagued me and I wasn’t sure what to think and what to believe anymore and then I felt so guilty, so weak, that my faith  had been put to the test like that and I was struggling so much,losing, and that my doubts were seemingly stronger than my faith…I needed something concrete  I could hold on to for hope.

Buddy6

As it turned out my prayers were answered and the signs were legit: Buddy’s lump is much smaller and shrinking down now(and he’s feeling better today too and back to eating again) and if it was a tumour it wouldn’t just heal like that on it’s own, not without Divine healing, unless, of course, when I blessed him the other day,laid my hands on him and prayed a healing prayer over him God healed him? Either way, I’m just thankful and I just have to remember to never doubt my faith.

The Creature.

Screenshot_143 I’m still sure we still have some sort of wild creature hiding somewhere in our house. The test food that I leave out overnight is always gone in the morning and I know it’s not Buddy because he’s always up in my room with me and the door’s closed all night. Plus, today he got scared shitless: something was chasing him and possibly trying to either attack or eat him,and whatever it was it scared the bejesus out of him! I hadn’t seen him for awhile so I went looking for him and when I got to the play room he suddenly came scrambling out of someplace towards me at warp speed, hind quarters and tail tucked underneath him, his stubby little legs running as fast as they can, with this terrified look on his face and leaped into my arms, shivering in fear, heart thumping, and he just clung to me in fear, his claws digging into me, he was just so scared; something was after him! When I later asked him where the bad thing that hurt you was he kept going over to the wall with the shelves, stood there barking, so maybe it’s hiding somewhere behind there?

For the rest of the day he was extra scared, clingy, vigilant, and paranoid as well and wouldn’t leave my side. He would even come upstairs with me, into the bathroom with me, etc. even places he normally wouldn’t and would normally just wait for me downstairs; it’s like he was really scared and didn’t want to be left anywhere alone, needing me beside him to protect him,afraid it was going to come for him again. Poor dog, he must be so afraid. I know how he feels though and can relate; just how I felt trying to avoid the bullies in school.

I do have a rat trap set up I leave out at night(Buddy tried to venture into it for the bait during the day but I don’t want to catch a Dachshund!) but maybe it’s something bigger though, like a cat or a raccoon,and it won’t venture in as it knows it’ll get stuck? At first I even wondered if maybe my family was playing a trick on me; by just throwing out the food at night having me think something was eating it, but Buddy was  definitely really frightened of something and something did really happen to him,and before something did bite his tail,too, and that’s probably what happened to his eye,too; it got scratched or something…so I know this can’t be my imagination this time….

Screenshot_142 Walking home from church the kind elderly man I talk to and that always has kind comments for me also gave me this: a gladiola! I love them! Wasn’t that nice? That guy always makes my day. His wife has this big beautiful garden. They also have sunflowers too and I asked their secret on how to grow them so well and he said she just has a Green Thumb, and surprised me as well by telling me that sunflowers will return and come up again in the garden year after year; you don’t have to keep re-planting them! Of course, that is, assuming that you can grow them in the first place, which doesn’t work for me. The 17 YR old also went to Wonderland amusement park with a friend, and the Edmonton Boys (the oldest and the 20 YR old) are moving soon as well: I’ve been told to a nice apartment with a gym, hot tub, etc.

Screenshot_146 I also put this photo up as this has got to be one of the cutest things I have ever seen: it’s a baby beaver! Isn’t it just precious and adorable?

Screenshot_139 The Daily Bruise: Day 8. It’s been this long and it still looks this good! I wonder how long it will take to heal up completely? Just my typical luck as well: just as I was about to post my blog yesterday; literally it was just a minute before, and my Internet shut down. I mean, it just shut off. So I was freaking out but luckily I had the post saved because weird shit like this happens to me all the time and something will often go wrong and my posts get deleted so I always save it before I post it so I always have a back-up, and so my hubby( who is the computer whiz) looked at it and said the Internet was working fine for everyone else’s computer; it was just mine it wouldn’t connect to. It figures. So he had to do a temporary fix running this big long cable cord thing all thru the room and down the hall, until he was able to go out and buy the part he needed. Why do these things always happen to me? I have the worst luck ever! I seriously think I must be cursed.

Too.

Screenshot_1180

It really worries me that I’m :

Too ugly,

Too dumb,

Too old,

Too fat,

Too unlovable,

Too worthless,

Too messed-up,

Too damaged,

Too much of a failure,

Too broken,

Too crazy

and

it’s too late,

For me to find love.

To be loved.

To be happy.

To find redemption.

To find peace.

To be free.

For my dreams to still come true.

 

 

As well, as the girls were getting ready to walk to church in the morning( I go later in the evening) I heard my hubby whisper to them, I’ll meet you at the corner, as he was going in the van to go out somewhere, indicating that they were just pretending to walk to church for my benefit but really he was going to drive them somewhere else and of course when I confronted him he denied it but I know what they’re up to, being sneaky and deceptive; I’m not that stupid, faking going to church, and besides, I know that trick; my friend J used to do the same thing Sunday mornings when we were in Jr. High; her mother would think she walked to church but in actual fact she was really hanging out over at my house and the $$$ she gave her for the offering she actually spent on candy at the corner store. It’s bad enough they’re skipping church, but lying and sneaking around makes it even worse. Maybe I should just have them come the same time as me so I can see with my own eyes to make sure that they’re really actually there?

My hubby was also fixing the dishwasher and he blocked access from the kitchen to the backdoor and I couldn’t squeeze thru and couldn’t figure out how to get outside the back door and thought I was trapped when he said to just go around the other way, thru the play room, like how Buddy did, but I never even thought of that. The dog is smarter than I am, but with my Asperger’s brain it doesn’t work like that. My brain can only think in one way and not find other alternative solutions if my usual way is blocked for some reason, or as my mother puts it, I can’t do problem solving. So my “solution: was to just try to squeeze thru but it never occurred to me that there might be another way to access it by going another way. In my mind I didn’t even think of by-passing the kitchen and getting thru the back door by the play room as I always go thru the kitchen so that’s my routine and I see it as the only way and in my mind I think why would I go thru the play room when I ‘m not going in the play room. My brain just doesn’t work like other people’s does. It doesn’t think the same way or compute the same way. It’s like I have a chip missing or something, or wires crossed, or short-circuited. Life is hard when you’re stupid.

 

 

Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.

I Love Me Some Hippo!

hippos

Hippos3

hippos4

hippos5

hippos6

Hippos7

As well, for the past month, maybe even longer, it’s been so long I’ve lost count now, I’m not sleeping well; every night I sleep for maybe 3 hours well and then I keep waking up every hour and also lay awake for 3-4 hours so I’m exhausted; I even wake up tired and with stinging eyes and have to sleep during the day because I’m not sleeping at night so when I see the doc this week maybe he can give me something to help me sleep? I’ve tried melatonin but it doesn’t work for me. Also I keep having scary nightmares bad things happen to Buddy, like he gets attacked and killed by a coyote, or run over by a car, or decapitated, or stolen,or I find him dead, etc. and it’s so horrible it wakes me up and I tell myself to come out of it but it still leaves me rattled and I wonder if it’s just my fear of losing him ( the only joy , light, and love in my life) coming to the surface?

With all the crisis, overwhelming stress, and uncertainty  and worry going on in my life as well I came across this quote in a blog by Stephanie Neilson:

Do you ever feel like your life is kind of like a puzzle,
but you just don’t have all the pieces,
and you spend so much time and effort looking for
just ONE piece to help you see the picture.
It sums up exactly how feel in life and what I’m going thru right now with my hubby looking for a job, financial struggles, losing my drug coverage, likely having to move, not knowing what’s ahead or what to expect, how things are going to work out in the end, if we’re going to be ok, etc. and I went to Confession in church yesterday too in case I do die soon, just in case; it’s better to be ready and prepared….

Victim Souls.

victimSouls On a Catholic site I regularly read I came across an article about Victim Souls  and the thought occurred to me that perhaps that’s maybe what I am, with my life-long misfortune, bad luck, tragedies, traumas, pain, suffering, etc.. as described here: The concept of the victim soul derives from the Roman Catholic teaching on redemptive suffering. Such a person is said to be one chosen by God to suffer more than most people during life, and who generously accepts the suffering, based on the example of Christ’s own Passion.

I have always wondered why. Why am I always plagued with such bad luck, misfortune, everything always going wrong, with one crisis after another, never catching a break, endless trials and trauma….I wondered if maybe I or my family might have even been cursed someone or were being punished, but this might also be another possibility. Could I have maybe possibly been chosen by God to suffer in order to save souls, for others’ salvation? Could that possibly be my purpose in life? Even though I am nobody, just a small insignificant speck in the universe, God has been known throughout history to use the “smallest”, simple, average person to do His will, He has chosen not people of greatness, royalty, wealth and prestige, but the average, lowly, humble person to do His will and He uses people to help one another and to fulfill His purpose. If that’s true then does that mean I do have a purpose in life,afterall, a meaning, even though it also means that I have to struggle just to get thru each day and that I have to endure an unhappy miserable life. Either that, or I just really do just have bad luck…

As well, in church yesterday I had stomach and abdomenal pain so bad I almost threw up from the pain and I spent the entire Gospel and homily in the bathroom doing a shit thinking that would relieve the pain except it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s my stomach ulcer, my liver, or something in my colon but it’s getting really bad. I wish they could just figure out what’s wrong with me and what’s causing it. Whatever it is they’re just not seeing it; it’s hidden and not showing up on the tests yet continues to cause me worsening pain and fatigue. I pretty well slept all day yesterday too although that was also due to the time change; I just couldn’t get my ass in gear. I’ve also had a headache and bad lower back pain for the past 4 days as well and always feel so cold all the time and shivering.

Happy Daze.

Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 07.09 PM This makes me happy. Sunflowers always put a smile on my face and I was sad to see that the house on the way to church that always has the sunflowers every year is now empty with a Dumpster in the driveway so the people are gone and there won’t be any more sunflowers anymore for me to enjoy. My beauty’s been taken away. The 14 year old gleefully laughed and said it’s “karma” because she’s mean that way and likes to see me upset. That’s just how my family is; they’re toxic and delight in my misery, unhappiness,and suffering. Between the way they emotionally abuse and bully me, all my medical issues, having no love or support, and struggling financially, along with the brokenness and damage from a life filled with abuse, trauma, rejection, bullying, misery, tragedy, suffering, pain,and always feeling unloved, unworthy, worthless, and a failure with no hope for it ever getting any better or any way of escape I just can’t take it anymore or keep doing this.I just want out. I don’t feel like I’m giving up, but rather I know when I’ve had enough and I know when it’s time to let go.

I went to Confession yesterday and the priest was sympathetic and kind, and showed more care and compassion for me than my own family ever has. He said that suicidal feelings aren’t a sin and it’s understandable considering my situation where I feel frustrated and trapped and he said he wished there was more he could do for me so I asked him to pray for me and he said that he would. Yesterday was particularly bad as well as it pretty much summed up how toxic and shitty my family really is and how truly sick it really is how they seem to get “off” in tormenting and mocking me.

My hubby refuses to call Buddy by his name and only ever refers to him and addresses him as Dog and I just don’t get it and when I asked him to explain it to me he outright refused and stubbornly just stood there, glaring at me, and smirked, It’s on a need-to-know basis and you don’t need to know. What the f*ck? My mother also tried to kick him because he got into the garbage and was, well, just acting like a dog, and she said he’s a “nuisance” and just to be mean when she walked by she purposely stepped on his fave. toy causing it to emit a pitiful wail, just to upset him,and even threatened to leave the door open one day so that he’ll run away! She just doesn’t like him because he doesn’t like the 10 YR old (who she coddles and is obsessed with!) and that’s only because he constantly teases,aggravates,and provokes him, and I also added, You don’t like him either because you don’t like it that someone actually loves me and she said, I don’t care if anyone loves you; I don’t like it that he only loves you and not anyone else! but in actual fact he likes everyone except her and the 10 YR old because they’re mean to him!

Someone also sabotaged my iPod (usually it’s my computer) by putting a Hitler anthem on it and I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I spent over 25 minutes trying to figure it out and I couldn’t and I asked my hubby, the 14 and 16 YR olds to help me but they wouldn’t and the girls kept making fun of me for it,too, and the 16 YR old mocked saying, I’m autistic! I can only do one thing! and they laughed and said I can’t do it because of my weed when in actual fact it’s because I’m stupid and old and I just don’t get all that technology stuff. My hubby eventually did do it and it just took him a couple of seconds to figure it out. I hate myself for being so dumb and I hate my family for always making fun of me and making me feel like shit.

So, I try to think of and remember happy days, happy times, happy moments in my life, and happy memories, which include friends, visiting relatives, travelling, my dogs I loved, the YMCA group, camp, my happy childhood, living in the city, playing Barbies and collecting Barbie stickers for our sticker books with my friend N in grade 6, skating and hanging out at the park and the French fry joint with D in grade 7 and 8, that time my BFF S and I in grade 7 walked our dogs and went to the store and bought huge tubs each of chocolate mint ice cream and rested under a tree as it was really hot and her ice cream melted and the lid popped off and it fell over onto the grass and had grass stuck to it and it was just so hilariously funny we kept cracking up, the time J and her mother and brother were with us on our veranda on a May weekend in grade 8 and it was just so perfect, and we felt like family and I felt like I belonged, and the time I went on a picnic and swimming in Highland Creek with I and her family, the time in grade 10 my friends A, A, and R and I climbed out the classroom window and sat out on the roof on a nice spring day and had our lunch, when H brought me back an orange piggy bank from her trip when I was 4-5, the multi-colour velvet pillow my fave. sitter Mrs. A made me for Christmas and the best Mac& cheese ever that she made home-made for my lunches,(and most of my sitters were either drunk or abusive so this really meant alot), shopping at the Beverly Center in L.A when I was 16 and 17 when we went on trips there and moved there, riding horses bareback as a kid galloping thru the field, feeling so free, being on the beach in the Caribbean, etc… these are the things I try to remember and hold on to to cheer my heart….I only wish that I could forget about the rest, all of the traumatic, hurtful, painful memories that keep tearing me down. I just want to be happy again but I don’t see any hope things will ever get any better or that I’ll ever have the opportunity to escape this toxic environment that’s destroyed my soul. My spirit has died.

The Relic.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.54 PM This is the mummified arm of St. Francis Xavier, a Catholic Saint. It has been preserved and what the Church refers to as “incorrupt.” The faithful come and venerate it to show respect and honour, as one would a king. It’s currently “on tour” if you will, across the country and is currently in Toronto now where they showed on the news this huge big long line-up of people patiently waiting to get a glimpse of it and to venerate it.

I just think that’s gross.

That’s one thing about my religion that I could never understand or relate to; relics. It just grosses me out to venerate dead body parts of anyone, Saints or otherwise. It also seems an awful lot like idol worship, when the only one we’re to worship is God, although it’s ok to show others respect God is the only one that you worship, and besides, the idea of being fascinated with, gawking at, lining up for, touching, venerating, or having any sort of curiousity with any part of a dead person just seems macabre, disturbing,and sick,, and as the 16 YR old would say, Too much H.B. (human body) and besides, I thought the Church said that people have to be buried( or cremated) anyway, and not to have their bodies disposed of in any other way,and I’d think that having them on display like some rare museum piece must be disrespectful to the dead, and to God, whom worship is due alone.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.52 PM This is also the 16 YR old’s new pet hamster. It’s only 9 weeks old so hopefully will live longer than her last one which only lived for a month or so. She named this one Aries. She has to keep it away from Buddy though and keep her bedroom door closed at all times, otherwise the poor little hamster will end up his appetizer. Isn’t it just the cutest thing though? It’s so fluffy and soft,too!

Trump also is now under fire for more racist comments, this time for referring to African-origin countries as Shithole countries and at first I just thought he meant poor underdeveloped Third World countries, like Banana Republics, which was insulting and bad enough(and not professional, diplomatic, or Presidential) but then found out it was actually racist,too; that he was actually talking about countries where Black people come from…..he’s such an asshole,and the only shithole is his mouth!

Hello 2018.

Screen Shot 12-31-17 at 07.40 AM Well, it’s a new year, it’s now 2018 already and I’m still here, I’m still alive. If I’m going to die while I’m 50 I only have a few mere days left though as I turn 51 in just 3 more days… my mind has already gone though and it’s been long gone for awhile; I forget and leave the oven on, I go into a room and then immediately forget what I went in for, I put an item down and then leave and forget where I left it, such as my drink or my iPod, I take pills thinking it’s time for more thinking it must be 4-6 hours later but it’s only been an hour and accidently overdose myself, etc.. my memory is shit. My health isn’t so good either and has been steadily declining over the past 2 years. My liver and kidneys are failing and possibly my heart as well. I have bad abdomenal pain and unusual bleeding. I have a head injury, I’m also so run-down exhausted tired, fatigued,and listless. I have zero energy, etc… I feel like I’m fading away.

Yesterday in church I felt so out of focus as well. I must have drugged myself up too much with Aunt Flow. The cramps were just so bad that I needed everything because nothing worked to ease the pain, I took Midol, Advil,Buscopan, Tramadol,and finally weed. As I sat there it felt like I was separate and apart from everyone else, as if I was floating encapsuled in my own little bubble, floating slightly apart from them, just watching from a short distance away and I couldn’t for the life of me remember the words to prayers I know by heart my entire life,and what they were saying sounded like jibberish, like a foreign language I don’t know even though it really was English; it sounded all garbled and jumbled and I couldn’t understand it. It was the weirdest thing ever. Everything was also much more clearer and higher resolution, like I was hyper-focused and everything was enhanced and sharper. I also notice the row I’m sitting in is always the last one where anyone will sit, no one wants to sit next to someone so ugly like me. It makes me feel guilty and to apologize for and ask forgiveness for being ugly.

I had asked God as well in church for a sign of hope and encouragement for the new year and this woman I hadn’t seen in like forever was there this week and in the line for Communion she came up behind me and warmly rubbed my shoulder and smiled when I turned around so maybe that’s it? Maybe she’s like an angel in disguise God sent me, and also in our livingroom yesterday when my hubby,the 14 YR old and I were in the room she noticed 3 bright lights that converged into a triangular shape and made the off-hand remark Maybe it’s Jesus? and at first I laughed it off but then it got me thinking, What if it is? Maybe it really is a Heavenly sign; the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit?

I also got a good laugh: seeing my hubby from behind where he’s balding the shape looks like a dick and balls! I laughed so hard when I realized this and now he really is a dickhead, in more ways than one, and so now I have my own private little joke and every time I look at it I chuckle to myself and think, Dickhead! It cracks me up every time. I wonder as well if my CT scan will show from my head injury if maybe I have a big blod clot or something at the back of my head and that’s what’s causing the symptoms; the headaches, the diziness, the forgetfullness, etc… I’m sure my skull must have fractured with that impact and maybe slowly over time blood pooled into a clot which grows and gets bigger and may eventually break off and become an issue….it just makes me wonder..