This makes me happy. Sunflowers always put a smile on my face and I was sad to see that the house on the way to church that always has the sunflowers every year is now empty with a Dumpster in the driveway so the people are gone and there won’t be any more sunflowers anymore for me to enjoy. My beauty’s been taken away. The 14 year old gleefully laughed and said it’s “karma” because she’s mean that way and likes to see me upset. That’s just how my family is; they’re toxic and delight in my misery, unhappiness,and suffering. Between the way they emotionally abuse and bully me, all my medical issues, having no love or support, and struggling financially, along with the brokenness and damage from a life filled with abuse, trauma, rejection, bullying, misery, tragedy, suffering, pain,and always feeling unloved, unworthy, worthless, and a failure with no hope for it ever getting any better or any way of escape I just can’t take it anymore or keep doing this.I just want out. I don’t feel like I’m giving up, but rather I know when I’ve had enough and I know when it’s time to let go.
I went to Confession yesterday and the priest was sympathetic and kind, and showed more care and compassion for me than my own family ever has. He said that suicidal feelings aren’t a sin and it’s understandable considering my situation where I feel frustrated and trapped and he said he wished there was more he could do for me so I asked him to pray for me and he said that he would. Yesterday was particularly bad as well as it pretty much summed up how toxic and shitty my family really is and how truly sick it really is how they seem to get “off” in tormenting and mocking me.
My hubby refuses to call Buddy by his name and only ever refers to him and addresses him as Dog and I just don’t get it and when I asked him to explain it to me he outright refused and stubbornly just stood there, glaring at me, and smirked, It’s on a need-to-know basis and you don’t need to know. What the f*ck? My mother also tried to kick him because he got into the garbage and was, well, just acting like a dog, and she said he’s a “nuisance” and just to be mean when she walked by she purposely stepped on his fave. toy causing it to emit a pitiful wail, just to upset him,and even threatened to leave the door open one day so that he’ll run away! She just doesn’t like him because he doesn’t like the 10 YR old (who she coddles and is obsessed with!) and that’s only because he constantly teases,aggravates,and provokes him, and I also added, You don’t like him either because you don’t like it that someone actually loves me and she said, I don’t care if anyone loves you; I don’t like it that he only loves you and not anyone else! but in actual fact he likes everyone except her and the 10 YR old because they’re mean to him!
Someone also sabotaged my iPod (usually it’s my computer) by putting a Hitler anthem on it and I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I spent over 25 minutes trying to figure it out and I couldn’t and I asked my hubby, the 14 and 16 YR olds to help me but they wouldn’t and the girls kept making fun of me for it,too, and the 16 YR old mocked saying, I’m autistic! I can only do one thing! and they laughed and said I can’t do it because of my weed when in actual fact it’s because I’m stupid and old and I just don’t get all that technology stuff. My hubby eventually did do it and it just took him a couple of seconds to figure it out. I hate myself for being so dumb and I hate my family for always making fun of me and making me feel like shit.
So, I try to think of and remember happy days, happy times, happy moments in my life, and happy memories, which include friends, visiting relatives, travelling, my dogs I loved, the YMCA group, camp, my happy childhood, living in the city, playing Barbies and collecting Barbie stickers for our sticker books with my friend N in grade 6, skating and hanging out at the park and the French fry joint with D in grade 7 and 8, that time my BFF S and I in grade 7 walked our dogs and went to the store and bought huge tubs each of chocolate mint ice cream and rested under a tree as it was really hot and her ice cream melted and the lid popped off and it fell over onto the grass and had grass stuck to it and it was just so hilariously funny we kept cracking up, the time J and her mother and brother were with us on our veranda on a May weekend in grade 8 and it was just so perfect, and we felt like family and I felt like I belonged, and the time I went on a picnic and swimming in Highland Creek with I and her family, the time in grade 10 my friends A, A, and R and I climbed out the classroom window and sat out on the roof on a nice spring day and had our lunch, when H brought me back an orange piggy bank from her trip when I was 4-5, the multi-colour velvet pillow my fave. sitter Mrs. A made me for Christmas and the best Mac& cheese ever that she made home-made for my lunches,(and most of my sitters were either drunk or abusive so this really meant alot), shopping at the Beverly Center in L.A when I was 16 and 17 when we went on trips there and moved there, riding horses bareback as a kid galloping thru the field, feeling so free, being on the beach in the Caribbean, etc… these are the things I try to remember and hold on to to cheer my heart….I only wish that I could forget about the rest, all of the traumatic, hurtful, painful memories that keep tearing me down. I just want to be happy again but I don’t see any hope things will ever get any better or that I’ll ever have the opportunity to escape this toxic environment that’s destroyed my soul. My spirit has died.