The Dog.

Screen Shot 12-07-17 at 06.24 PM My family broke my heart today talking about how Buddy’s old and going to die soon (he’ll be 12 in the new year although Dachshunds can live up to 15-17 years old,too) and they were discussing his “replacement”. I don’t even want to think about that; he’s my best friend, my sweet little companion, the only light and joy in my life, what keeps me going, the reason to get up every day, my reason to live, and if I didn’t have him in my life anymore I would have no one to love me, nothing left, and nothing to live for. Life without Buddy in it wouldn’t be any life at all. God knew how much I needed him and needed him in my life, he literally saved my life, and if he’s gone I would just be so lost, so shattered, so devastated, so desolate, so crushed, so heartbroken, so alone. No one and nothing could ever “replace” him. He’s one of a kind and the best dog I’ve ever had. My life would be so empty without him but I certainly would still want to get another dog though, as I need someone to love, to dote on, to look after, to be my companion and friend, to keep me company, to talk to, to cuddle with, to  give and receive affection, to share my life with. I need a friend. I need love.

So my hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds were discussing his “replacement” and the girls were saying which breeds of dogs they like and my hubby kept saying they were too big and he prefers small dogs and my mother said no more dogs at all, and then I would be utterly alone and have nothing and no one. I said since Buddy’s my dog and I’m the one that’s responsible for taking care of him and that does all the work( feeding, bathing, walks, etc.) that I’d be the one who gets to choose the next dog and I want a Chihuahua like I had as a teen, as they’re small, easy to care for, require little food and exercise and also happen to be my fave. breed and give me good happy memories of a happier time, plus I’d also get an older dog, an adult that’s already housebroken, but they turned their noses up in revulsion saying they hate Chihuahuas and they’re “ugly”, etc.. but it would be my dog and I’m the one taking care of it. They were also insulting how much I love Buddy and even suggesting disgusting things like we do gross sexual stuff. They’re just sick. They won’t ever leave me alone. They won’t even let me have my dog to love without mocking it, twisting it around, making fun of it, trying to take it away from me, deny me it, and degrading it.I can’t even love my dog without them tearing it down.

It just breaks my heart how once again my family has no regard for my feelings, what I need, and what’s important to me. This is the ONE THING THAT MATTERS MOST TO ME IN MY LIFE is that I have a dog, a best friend to hang out with, to love,and be my companion,someone who loves me back, basically my life-saver.Honestly, it’s like a therapy dog I need for my emotional well-being. It would be bad enough to lose Buddy but if they wouldn’t even let me get another dog to help ease my grief and loss at least, to at least attempt at some healing by having another dog to love then there’s no chance for me at all. I’m done. I’d have nothing left anymore and I’m not sure what hurts even more; the loss and aching I’d feel in my heart and in my life; how deep that pain would be, or the fact that my family knows this(and what effect it would have and what it would do to me) but still don’t care; even though they know I’d completely fall apart they still say they won’t “let” me get a Chihuahua, despite how much it means to me.I am invisible in this family. I have no say, no voice. I don’t count or matter. Like I said, my dog is the only one that loves me, and without him I’d have no one. I just hope and pray I die  first, before Buddy does.

The Dream.

screen-shot-10-29-16-at-11-44-am I had a dream last night that I had all the dogs that I’ve ever had,over all those YRS, incl. the Beagle, the Samoyed, the Afghan Hound, the 2 Shih-Tzus, the Pugs, and all the Chihuahuas, and of course Buddy the Dachshund. I had them all at the same time, all together in the same place, and I was playing with them on the floor and they were jumping all over me, licking my face, and I played with them all, and fed them all, but it was only Buddy that came in bed with me at night, because out of all my dogs in my lifetime he’s my fave. and the best dog that I’ve ever had! I wonder now too if the location of the dream was supposed to be in Heaven as well, afterall, where else could I possibly see every dog that I’ve ever owned all at once? If so, that might be an indication that there are animals in Heaven afterall! I sure hope so, and although no one really knows for sure (until you actually get there) I would like to think that there is, and being a splendid place filled with beauty, happiness, and love, how could there not be pets and other animals there, right?

I had another dream as well I was in the Philippines and I was in a shop and wanted to buy a fridge magnet ( I collect them from all over the world whenever I go on a trip) only I’d forgotten my credit card, and in real life I casually mentioned how most women gleefully look forward to winter because we don’t have to shave our legs (since we wear tights and no one sees our legs) the 22 YR old was horrified and he gasped, “If they’re single!” and I told him, no, it’s a common thing among pretty well every woman!(in the Northern latitudes, anyway) I also either fell asleep or passed out for 90 minutes outside ( it was a mild 17 C!) on the porch swing in the backyard yesterday…I laid down at 2:30……and woke up at 4 pm! I was woken up at 5:45 am by a thunderstorm,too.

My hubby got this fancy framed mirror for the 15 YR old’s room at some antique-style shop as well and it was some ritzy 200$ mirror and he got it for only a dollar as the guy selling it said it was “cursed”…..holy shit……I sure hope that they’re just trying to trick me and that it’s not really; we don’t need to invite demons into the house(curses are real, too, not just some superstition), and I’m hoping and praying for a miracle for the world for the American election,too; that both Trump and Clinton will either resign or be forced to drop out and someone else (hopefully Sanders?) will become their new Prez…..

Chihuahua Love.

ChiBlog1 Snuggle up!

ChiBlog2 This one looks just like my Chibby did.

ChiBlog3 The pampered pup! Ahhh…..this is the life!

ChiBlog4 Black beauty.

ChiBlog5 The sweetest picture I have ever seen. Aren’t they just beautiful?

ChiBlog6 My Yuri looked just like this.

ChiBlog7 The face of love.

How I wish I could get another Chihuahua again. So many happy memories of a happy time in my life. I want one to love again.Every day I keep hoping and praying that my hubby and mother will change their mind and let me get one but they never do.It’s like this emptiness that can never be refilled. This one small thing would bring a bit of happiness into my dull life and give me some purpose but they deny me even that. Chihuahuas are small but they love BIG!

Living With Asperger’s.

Aspergers It’s really hard living with Asperger’s and it really impairs my life, how I interact with other people, having to navigate my way thru life, how I relate to the world around around me, how I understand things, how I react, why I am the way I am, why I’ve never been like other people(and never will be) why people think I’m weird, why I’m different, and have always been ostracized and bullied. Due to it I have no job, life, or social skills and will never be able to live on my own, survive on my own, function like other people do, have a job, or live an independent adult life. I will always need someone to take care of me. My greatest wish would be to move out on my own, to leave this country,and to have my own place with a Chihuahua but it’s never going to happen because I lack the necessary tools.

I also don’t know how to relate to other people and feel uneasy, uncomfortable, nervous, awkward and anxious around them and prefer to be on my own.I never know what to say around them, or how to act, or what to talk about or what to do. “Small talk” absolutely baffles me,and I always end up asking too personal questions and saying the wrong things and come across as rude or insensitive even though it’s not my intention. I have Social Phobia as well and I get panic attacks when I’m in a group of people, esp. those I don’t know(and I can’t talk on the phone or in front of people, such as giving a speech or a presentation) so I don’t venture out much and prefer to stay in the safety of my home where I feel safe, esp. after a lifetime of abuse, victimization, and bullying. For this same reason I hope I don’t live to see my kids’ future spouses and children because it’s just even more people(strangers) that I’ll have to deal with. I always seem to do and say the wrong things as well and offend people, turn them off,and drive them away,and once people get to know me they hate me. I have learned I have to “hide” who I really am and not ever get too close to people and not let them get to know the “real” me. I am good at keeping secrets and  hiding who I really am( because people hate me for what I am even though I can’t help it).It’s called survival.

I struggle in every aspect in life,too, such as I can’t even do basic math, I have a perception problem and can’t judge space or distance, can’t follow a map or directions, can’t assemble things, my patience and  tolerance level is very low and I get frustrated and overwhelmed very easily and it doesn’t take much to set me off into a rage or into tears, and many basic skills and life skills that come easy for others, that come easily and naturally for them I am clueless about, don’t understand and struggle with(  unwritten rules,reading social cues and body language, for example) and they trip me up time and time again. One example would be that I can’t distinguish between if someone is just being nice to me or if they’re interested in me romantically because I’m not used to either(I’m just used to people mistreating me) and if someone shows me kindness, for example, I don’t recognize it and I have mistakenly taken it the wrong way,with disasterous and embarrassing results!

Asperger’s greatly impairs my life. I wish I could just take a knife and cut it out of me. It makes me feel dumb and like a freak. I hate it and I hate myself for having it.

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As well,  a Facebook friend joked if my mother and 14 and 15 YR olds on their Caribbean trip could” bring her back some ganja from Bob Marley country” except they’re not in Jamaica( they’re in Aruba, Bahamas, Grand Turk, St. Thomas, St. Maarten, and Curacao)  and before they left and I grumbled at having to do all the work myself ( normally we divide it between the 2 of us)with my mother gone she said, “You’re the mother; it’s YOUR job!” too but it’s NOT; it’s too much work all for one person and why should the mother have to do EVERYTHING(while everyone else does nothing) anyway? When you’re part of a family *everyone* should help out! and I certainly won’t miss her snide remarks for 2 weeks or the 15 YR old’s insults and mouthiness either, such as “Calm your vagina!” Even the 12 YR old’s getting bitchy and mouthy too and even sneered to me the other day,”Why do YOU have to be my mother?” and when I said someone was dumb the 14 YR old shot back to me,”How can YOU question ANYONE’S intelligence?” it really hurts the horrible way the kids treat me and then they wonder WHY I hate my life and wish I could just run away and never come back! I seriously wish I never had kids.If only I knew what it was like BEFORE.

My hubby also saw a photo of a Chihuahua I was putting on my Facebook profile and he agreed it was cute too and said it’s “in the eyes” and it gave me some hope that maybe he’s finally coming around(as usually he just insults it) that maybe now he finally sees how important my wanting to get one again really is, my only “link” to my happy past and how I want one again, my only way to “relive” and “recreate” a happy time in my life, so hopefully he’ll change his mind and let me get one,afterall,(I keep hoping and praying…maybe for Christmas?) and the 17 YR old went to an overnight Cadets thing and no one told me until the last minute and I was the last to know as always even though I’m the mother and should be the first to know and( before she left on the trip) my mother snarked,”You don’t care anyway!” and it’s EXACTLY comments like THAT why I’m *glad” she’s gone for  2 weeks and I don’t have to listen to for awhile!

Toronto Mayor Ford also made a crude comment the other day about “eating pussy” on live media and that was too vulgar and tactless even for him and shocked everyone and seems to be the last straw and likely the end of his political career now on top of the crack scandal, the police investigation, the drugs, the alcoholism, the drunk driving, the prostitutes, the abusing his staff, the affair, etc. it goes on and on and every day just keeps getting worse and worse than the last! His life has become like a reality show and every day I wonder what he’ll do or say next! He’s turned the city into a laughingstock in front of the entire world and since he refuses to resign City Council voted (everyone except for 2) to strip him of his executive powers in City Hall, making him Mayor in title only. He needs to take leave and go to rehab. He seriously needs help. He’s spiraling out of control and has become a public spectacle , disgrace, and a train wreck. It’s so sad to watch because I supported him once as he IS a good mayor but his personal demons are destroying him and now it’s affecting his job.

Introducing Our Second-Oldest.

Elephant(new) Next in my series of the kids’ profiles is our second-oldest. She’s now 23 YRS old. She graduated university this YR and now lives in Japan and teaches English. It has always been her life-long dream to live in Japan and she has always loved all things Japanese, incl. the culture, the language (which she has learned and is continuing to learn) the food, and anime. She also loves elephants, reading, and music. When she was a baby she had a severe milk allergy and had to drink a special soy formula, she still gets ezcema even today and has allergies, and she had colic as well and screamed( not cried, but screamed) 24 HRS a day for 2 YRS straight and drove everyone crazy! Needless to say she  was a VERY difficult baby and it was only by the grace of God that we all survived!It certainly affected my ability to bond with her and was a real strain on the entire family.

When she was 9 months old she was also kidnapped; my hubby gave her to his crazy sister( who has 4 boys of her own but was unable to have any more kids and was obsessed with wanting a girl) where she was also molested and they refused to give her back so I had to go to court where the judge ordered her returned to me and the police went and apprehended her but she was returned home traumatized(and we got her professional help for) due to the ordeal(which continued on for YRS into her childhood as well, incl. severe behavioural problems) and the abuse. Following this my hubby and I split up for awhile and a nasty custody battle ensued which we eventually worked out(and thru counselling) and got back together but my trust in him was irreparably broken and would never be the same again, and due to the molestation issue( which he continues to deny to this day even though experts incl. psychologists and a psychiatrist have attested to) I have forbidden his sister to ever see the kids again. She is also my mother’s favourite and has always been over-indulged and coddled  by her, turning her into a pampered spoiled princess, and due to that we’ve never been close. Our second-oldest definitely had the most traumatic and memorable childhood of all of the kids, and one that has caused tremendous strain and extreme stress for everyone.

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As well, I had a dream about Yuri ( a Chihuahua I had some 29 YRS ago) that he was restored to me; that I had him back again now, just as I have also had similar dreams about Teeniea( another Chihuahua I had as a teen) wanting so badly to get one again now, yet my hubby forbids it and won’t let me get one, saying dogs are too much trouble, even though it would be the closest way I could “relive” my happy past,but I’m stifled and oppressed, we saw a flyer from a local store and it honest-to-God had ads for-get this- camo FURNITURE! I’m not joking! Camo couches and reclining chairs! I’ve never even heard of such things! I mean, how redneck can you possibly GET? This town is SO redneck and this only proves it! We had the roofer over as well to estimate the damage to our roof ( shingles blew off) following the bad wind recently and he said it would cost 4000$ to fix so we called the insurance to see if they’d cover it (if they don’t then we’re just S.O.L because we just don’t have the $$$$ and there’s no way we can afford it) and they’ll be sending a claims adjuster over sometime next week to come and see but with OUR “luck” they probably won’t….