All For Love.

Screenshot_942 I woke up this morning by the putrid rancid stink of fresh warm shit, a squishy diarrhrea, in fact, waiting for me right in front of my bedroom door, courtesy of Buddy who has The Shits. He may have tried to wake me up and tell me(he normally does) only I was asleep and never heard him, esp. as I did also sleep thru the news and never woke up and when you gotta go you gotta go, so there I was, before the sun even came out, on my hands and knees, scrubbing shit off my carpet and he was hiding under my bed, thinking he was in trouble and I tried to coax him out and told him,  The things I do for you! You’re lucky I love you so much! and then I was thinking of all the things I do for him because I love him:

I get up early to take him out. I even wipe his ass for him(and this time of year is best with wet leaves to wipe fudge-smudges). I go out in sub-Zero freezing temperatures to take him out. I go out in pouring rain to take him out. I pick up shit with my bare hands. I touch the most disgusting slimy so-called “meat” and cook it for him to eat. I clean brown waxy gunk out of his ears. I express his anal glands. I get farted on, sneezed on and breathed on with his dragon breath. I pick fleas and ticks off of him. I’ve washed shit out of his fur. I’ve cleaned up his puke off the carpet. I’ve had my face licked.

I do it all for love and it’s worth it. He’s worth it.And I’d do it again. And again. And again. And I do. And I love it.

As well, my hubby’s always making fun of me for being forgetful and calls me old (even though he’s 4 years older than me) but now it’s happening to him,too; he forgot where he put his pants and he fell asleep in his relcining chair watching TV just like my Dedushka used to do, also a sign of being an old man, so who’s the old one now? Now he knows what it’s like to be old! Welcome to my world! He denies he reads my blog,too, even though I know he does as he’s made references that have only been on the blog and I’ve even seen  it up on his computer screen once when I went in to his office for something; he just lies for some reason and pretends that he doesn’t. I don’t care either way though; if he reads it or not; I don’t do it for him, anyway, I just don’t get why he has to lie about it, and he’s putting up the outdoor Christmas lights again this year too after not doing it last year and saying he was done with it.

I was also starting to leave my body after I’d had weed and Buddy could sense it and it worried him and he was trying to stop me and interrupt the process and prevent me from leaving and he kept barking, pawing at me, scratching my leg, biting at my pant leg and tugging, licking my leg, as if trying to “rouse” me and I told him, Don’t worry; I’ll come back! but he wasn’t having any of it and he ended up disrupting it and the moment was gone as I have to have just the right conditions for it to work and any distraction pulls me back out of it. I also have increasing nausea almost daily now and I know something’s wrong as it’s highly unusual for me as I’m normally not a “barfy” person unless I have the Flu(which is only like every 5-10 years or so), am prego, or in extreme pain, such as in labour, a migraine, or after surgery, so I wonder if it’s just menopause related or due to an illness? I was also shocked and surprised to figure out that with my all-day Morning Sickness for 3 months with each of the 11 kids it would end up being something like 3 1/2 YEARS of being sick!!!

I cut the 11 YR old’s hair as well and now the other kids are being mean and making fun of him saying it looks awful and he’s so ugly and really ugly now and I did a bad job(yeah, like they could do better), etc. only I think it looks good; it just ended up shorter than originally planned since he laughed and moved when I had the clippers and this big chunk got accidently shaved short so I had to do the rest to match and blend in. It looks nice; it’s just a change and big difference and it takes time to get used to is all. Before he had this thick curly wild hair all sticking out like a mad scientist and now it’s really short and spiky.

The furnace also somehow got up to 80 F and it was really nice and warm in here like it never has been before; it’s always so freezing cold in the house we have to wear coats and wrap blankets around us to try and keep warm and I have to use a space heater in my bedroom overnight but now it’s soooo nice and the kids and I love it but my mother says it’s too hot and puts it back down to 70 F and here I was all this time, all these years, thinking that the furnace wasn’t working, that it didn’t adequately heat the house well as it was always cold, but it turned out it was capable; it just was never allowed; she just always had the thermostat set too low, so it never got to warm up, but now she says it’ll cost too much to keep it at 80F but we don’t want to go back to freezing either so we’ll have to compromise and set it in-between at 75 F and I’m sure, of course, that if she puts it back down to 70 F it will mysteriously somehow “find” it’s way back up again….

 

The Hole.

Screen Shot 11-08-17 at 06.37 PM With the 14 YR old’s eating disorder I’ve been told to add more fats to her diet, such as trying to sneak butter into whatever I can so the other day when I made her a bagel with butter and cream cheese on it for a snack I noticed there was a small hole in the bagel, like an air hole that had formed during baking, so I used it as the perfect opportunity to add some more butter; I filled in the hole with butter, sort of like spackling,and then to cover it up I spread cream cheese on top, figuring she’ll never notice, she’ll just take a bite out of it, chew and swallow it and never be any the wiser….

Except she did. I swear, that kid must have some kind of radar or something. She can always tell when I sneak butter in and can even sniff out something sneaky like this. I couldn’t believe it. She took a bite, stopped, looked at me, and goes, sheepishly, while trying to stifle a laugh (hoping I wouldn’t notice) I know what you did! Boy, is she ever good. I replied if there’s a hole that’s what you’re supposed to do; you’re supposed to fill it in,and then the 16 YR old goes, No, you pick at it and make it bigger!  😀

As well, the 23 YR old was woken up during the night by bad chest pain and thought he was either having a heart attack or had a blood clot in his lung and he went to the ER. They ran all sorts of tests and it turns out he has pleurisy, that old-fashioned disease where the lining of the lungs is inflamed, likely caused by a virus so there’s nothing they can really do, they just said to take ibuprofen for the inflammation and pain. He has pink-eye as well, which I also caught too from putting in his eye drops. My mother was going to call a realestate agent to come by and give us an assessment on the house  as wellto see how much it’s worth now and how much we’d get in today’s market if we sold it ( we hope to get at least 100 000$ more than what we bought it for 14 years ago) but she’s embarrassed it’s so messy and no one would clean so she just gave up. I seriously doubt we can afford to move anyway and the 10 YR old thinks we’ll only get 5 $ for the house! HA!

My hubby’s also refusing to put up the elaborate outdoor Christmas lights this year saying because he didn’t like how I put them away last year when I took them down and I ruined them( which I didn’t) all because I didn’t do it the same way he does, but I think he just couldn’t be bothered and he’s just using that as an excuse (and blaming me as usual,too) and the 16 YR old said he’s holding a grudge for way too long,too. He’s such a big suck and baby! Then my mother also blamed me for not doing what my hubby tells me but he’s NOT my boss; I’m an individual and I think for myself,and then she sneered that I don’t do what anyone tells me and I’m the only one who doesn’t answer to anyone and I told her I’m accountable to God!

I had a dream as well I was at a hippo sanctuary in Africa and they had so many hippos there so I went to get my iPod to take photos but I couldn’t find it and then when I went in the gift shop and saw they had alot of hippo souvenirs I was in hippo Heaven but when I went to get my credit card I realized I didn’t have my purse either; I must have left it behind in my room. Shit, even in my dream things still go wrong and don’t work out for me!

The Truffle.

screen-shot-12-31-16-at-08-23-am One of the gifts the 17 YR old got for Christmas were a box of chocolate truffles from Godiva Chocolates, one of the best around, and one of them had the unusual flavour mix of cinnamon and chipolte! Maybe it enhances the chocolate flavour, or something, but it was…..exquisite! She didn’t want to “risk” that one so she gave it to me and I just loved it, I mean, I really truly,  utterly loved it! This was the best chocolate I have ever tasted  in my entire LIFE and I was in Chocolate Heaven! I rolled my eyes and moaned with every tasty morsel,letting the divine taste linger, and it was orgasmic! It sent a literal shiver thru my entire body! It was truly a religious experience.Now that would have to be my Dream Gift, a box of these Heavenly little f*ckers.

screen-shot-12-31-16-at-01-12-pm She also got this hilarious shirt of PM Trudeau, shirtless, riding a moose. Isn’t it just the funniest thing ever? For New Year’s we also had Take-out Chinese food for dinner….

and then the Happy Little Family Blogpost ends.

I was attempting to also take down the outdoor Christmas lights and my hubby comes charging out screaming at me to stop, and “You’re just so STUPID!!!!!!!”  and “You always mess everything up and take them down wrong!” and I said, “I was trying to help!”((I thought he put them up so I could help by taking them down) and then he spat, “Do what you do best; lay around on the couch and do nothing!” and then him and some of the kids kept tearing me down saying I “ruin” the lights and then the 15 YR old huffed, “Hopefully she’ll die soon,anyway!” and followed it with, “Now she’ll go and complain on her blog that she hates her family!” and it just broke my heart.

They DO treat me like such dirt. With such contempt. With so little disdain.They make me feel so worthless, so unloved. I just can’t “win” either way and no matter what I try to do or to help it’s just never good enough, and they’re still not happy. They fail to recognize the way they treat me is abuse and refuse to acknowledge the damage that they cause and the effects that it has.It’s easier for them to blame *me* and say I’m crazy than to take responsibility for their role in it and how their actions made me feel. My hubby has ruined my life and I’m so MISERABLY UNHAPPY and I wish I’d never even met him, and sometimes it gets to the point I just can’t take any more and I think to myself I have 2 options: kill him or kill myself but he’s not worth going to jail over so that just leaves me with only 1 other option….

I just can’t face another YR like this, always being berated, belittled, demeaned, devalued, unloved,rejected, degraded,pushed out,excluded,unwanted,bullied,abused, and made to feel overall worthless. Nothing will ever change and there’s no hope they’ll ever treat me any better. I would have thought in the past that my enemy would have most likely been the one to bring me down, to push me to want to end my life until I finally succeed…..but instead it ended up being my own FAMILY.

…..yeah……Happy New Year.

The Lights.

screen-shot-11-27-16-at-06-44-pm These are our outdoor Christmas lights! Over-the-top, yes, I know. My hubby always over-does it and out-does himself every YR and it gets sooooo tacky it looks like Snoopy’s doghouse, The Griswold’s house,or the Vegas Strip! I bet it’s even visible from space, and that NASA satellites can take pictures of it and they can see it from the International Space Station! They blink and flash on and off and even play music,too, and you can’t see it but there’s an image projected in light on a screen on a wall, but I draw the line at inflatables; those things are just crossing a line. There’s tacky….and then there’s tacky.

As well, I have to adapt to life with my new nails, incl. wiping my ass, opening up a can of pop, pulling up zippers and doing up buttons, washing my hair,attaching Buddy’s collar and leash, typing,etc. it’s a whole new world, but they make me feel glamorous,and  I know I’ll never be pretty and I’ll never be thin again but I can still have funky hair and pretty nails. I’m also worried my mother’s kidneys might be failing as she’s had lower back pain for the past week and hasn’t peed much all day today and her BP was low, but she got her blood taken and sees her doctor next week so we’ll see….

screen-shot-11-29-16-at-12-48-pm I also ordered this “smoking” shirt yesterday online for a Cyber Monday special( I saved 10$) even though it was actually  on a Tuesday but I’ve always been behind everyone else all the time,anyway! The funny thing is, I was looking for this exact shirt in the mall but never found it, so I did a Google search for “images” and when I found this picture I went to the site….and it turned out to be “Rasta Empire”……a company I already had bookmarked that I had ordered stuff from before! I was so high  as well that I thought there was a portal thru our Christmas tree,  and I don’t want to have to kill myself due to a threat that’s returned from my past,either, and endangers me, but unless there’s a miracle and it resolves in my favor, I won’t,  and  can’t live like that,and just don’t have the strength anymore to fight it or to endure living thru that nightmare again; it broke me the first  time and I simply don’t have anything left to do it again.

I heard as well that PM Trudeau is not going to Cuba to attend Castro’s funeral as it would “anger” people and it is “inappropriate” to do so,etc. but it’s actually disrespectful and rude to not go; whenever a world leader dies it’s expected protocol that other world leaders or their emissaries attend and to not go is poor manners, a sign of disrespect and just plain rude. It’s not every diplomatic,either, which is surprising considering our 2 countries get along well.What an asshole.

My Gifts.

XMasGifts Here are the gifts I got for Christmas: the bong I got from the oldest (he’s such a card but I really appreciated it and can use it and thought it was sweet), a cute hippo drawing from the 12 YR old,and a crocheted “Rasta”-style hat from the 21 YR old’s friend visiting from California. The oldest joked that he, the 21 YR old,and I should have a bong party. I can be the “Cool Mom” and have some “bonding” time with my sons, ha,ha. The 17 YR old and his friend said they want to join in as well but they’re underage and not 18 yet, so too bad…In actual fact though the kids have really never seen me smoke my “herb” for my migraines. It’s something I do in private, like taking a shit.The oldest said that it’s every kid’s dream to get high with their parents but I’ve never heard that before; I wonder if that’s really true or if he’s just saying that?

OurXMasLights#2 This is also a picture of our outdoor Christmas lights. We have easily at least over 1000 lights and I bet they can even see them from the International Space Station! Yesterday my hubby and the kids went to shopping for Boxing Day but I wisely stayed home, not wanting to get trampled in the stampeding herd; it’s INSANE! The boys also went to a friend of the oldest’s and stayed overnight and the 17 YR old  did “payback” for the time when he was 7 and he accidently broke his arm playing on the trampoline all those YRS ago: they held him down and drew penises all over him and “broke” him doing their jiu-jitsu moves on him,and then later they used one another as B.B. gun targets and now they all have these red welts on their chests! Boys!!

My left arm was also numb and then later on I felt these sharp painful twinges and zaps in my chest so I wonder if I’m going to have a heart attack, even though my echocardiogram was normal? Maybe I’m reacting to my new diuretic? Maybe now my potassium level is too high or something….It’s still not getting rid of any of the fluid either, leading me to think it’s probably most likely an adrenal tumour rather than over-active adrenal glands causing my issues and until it’s removed the fluid will continue to accumulate…

Tacky Lights.

ChristmasLights My hubby started  to put up the outdoor Christmas lights yesterday since we have so many and it takes so long to do; it takes weeks to get them all up and running and he only has Sundays free to do it. So far he’s done a bit of the front porch and part of the upper floor balcony. He also got these new ones that are sooo gaudy and tacky: some sort of icicle things that hang down and some sort of tree thing that look like branches with light bulbs on them. My, God, they’re hideous-looking things and I was just horrified when I saw them and I just hope that someone steals them(and they steal everything around here and last YR someone did try to steal our lights)! I don’t know what it IS about him and tacky stuff though; for him the tackier the better but it mortifies me( he thinks the giant inflatable Santa and reindeer are “cool”; I think they’re God-awful) and I prefer classic, traditional decorations and nothing overdone but he always goes waaay overboard and the lights on our house looks like Snoopy’s doghouse!

As well, I was watching a movie and there was a scene where someone yelled, “Just eat the f*cking fish!” and right at that point the 20 YR old walked in with a plate of fish so I said to him, “Just eat your f*cking fish!” and we cracked up laughing, and so far so good: we still have Buddy so we likely will  for the entire week( and I hope forever!); his owner still  hasn’t mentioned about taking him back yet and it was so cold yesterday it was – 1 C but felt like – 4 C and I wore my heavy wool sweater and hat and he froze his balls off while out for his walk and pulled me back into the house only half way and refused to go for the entire walk he was so cold! It’s just amazing too how much joy he brings me each day and who’d ever think that a dog could make me so happy but he just “gets” me and loves me unconditionally. In church someone’s perfume also smelled like skunk and a lady I used to talk to but has avoided me for months tapped me on the shoulder yesterday and asked me if I had my surgery yet…..except I had it 2 YRS ago!!! She must be getting senile in her old age or something….

I also leave you with one of my fave. Bible verses:

 

Lamentations 3:17

A Reading from the Book of Lamentations:

My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord.

Rewriting My Life.

Writing Last night as I was laying in bed falling asleep I was thinking how I wish I could go back and re-do my life and how I would re-write my life if I could.  My future would incl. the Love Of My Life, who I loved for 5 YRS ,thought I would marry,and who was cultured and refined and ended up getting a Masters Degree in Business but also who never loved me back and ended up to be gay. I don’t love him now(afterall, it was a long time ago!), but I did once, and if I’d married him like I’d hoped the outcome would have been so different and I really think I could have been happy.If I could go back and rewrite my life over again it would be completely different and here’s how the story would go:

I would not be ugly or have the limits that I have now such as Asperger’s or Social Phobia. I would have had a stable family life with both parents and I would have had siblings and not been a lonely only child. My mother would have been a stay-at-home mom like all my friends’ mothers were back in the 70’s. I would have been like other people and fit in and not been ostracized, bullied , rejected and abused. I would be “normal” and boys would have been attracted to me and asked me out on dates and asked me to dance. I would have had more friends and had a social life and been to a prom. I would have had alot more opportunities ,options, and choices in life.I wouldn’t have to always had to settle in life. I would have married my True Love and known what passion and romance was like. I would have known what being in love and having someone love me back and have a happy marriage felt like. I would have had my Dream Wedding and we would have had a few kids and he would have provided a good stable life and my mother wouldn’t have to live with us(and meddle and over-step boundaries with our kids) to help out financially. I wouldn’t have had all the traumas, misfortune,bad luck, tragedies, and unhappiness that have plagued me. I would have known what it’s like to be happy.I wouldn’t have the medical problems I do, I wouldn’t be fat like I am,and I would have self-esteem and be content with my life and not wish I was someone else. I wouldn’t be emotionally scarred, pessimistic, negative and damaged. If I’d had a different life and a different experience I would be a totally different person and would be better off for it.

***********************************************************************************************************************

As well, some loser vandalized our outdoor Christmas lights overnight; they tried to steal them but they’re all attached and secured with electrician’s tape(partly to make them harder to steal(because they steal everything here) and also so they don’t short-circuit in the rain) so they’d just managed to grab them and run, leaving them strewn all along the front sidewalk up to the neighbour’s property.They were snatched off the bushes and front lawn and parts are smashed and broken with wires exposed. The neighbour next door also told us someone broke into their car in their driveway during the night,too! I’m just so mad! I HATE this town! All the dumb inbred rednecks here are always stealing, vandalizing and ruining things and have nothing better to do than to get in trouble and I’m so SICK of it! I HATE it here and want to move but we can’t afford to so I’m trapped .I’ve moved 18 times in my life and this is the WORST place I’ve EVER lived! It enrages me as well my hubby doesn’t even care; he’s not even mad (“There’s nothing you can DO about it, so why get mad?” he says) and he’s always excusing the rednecks,too, but he doesn’t care about or value anything,anyway, but I feel so violated, victimized,and angry, and I’m so sick of the trailer trash here,and now I wonder if this will become a nightly occurrance now? I just HATE this place so MUCH!!

I still have my crippling headache,too, now day 7, with no relief in sight,and still no MRI results either, and it’s been 12 days. Things take forever here. It sucks. I hate this place. I hate my LIFE.