Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.

 

 

I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Thoughts.

 

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As well, I also found out the 19 YR old isn’t coming back home to visit for Christmas like she always has; she’ll be spending it going to USA with her BF and his family instead! I’m really hurt and disappointed by this; she’s only 3 HRS away; there’s no reason she can’t be here with her family for Christmas, unlike 3 of the kids that live out of province.It’s bad enough she spent Thanksgiving with them and didn’t come home, but we thought for sure she’d be back for Christmas, which is about family( and Jesus!) I realize once kids are grown up, married, and have their own families they build their own traditions for Christmas and other holidays but we really expected her to still be here nowMy family just keeps getting worse and worse all the time.

 

I’m Back!

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For the past couple of months I’ve let my natural shit brown and grey hair grow back in after I went back to my Buzz-cut at the end of the summer (I’d had it dyed platinum blonde before) giving me a bit of break(and expense!) for awhile from having to dye my hair every 3 weeks(because it’s so short and the colour gets cut off quickly) but then I got tired of all the grey and how old it made me look and feel so  today I dyed it back to blonde again, as seen here, and now I feel like my old self again(almost) and as the process was complete and I dried my hair with the towel and removed it to see the final end result I looked at myself in the mirror and announced, I’m back! I’m still ugly and I always will be but at least I don’t look as old now without the grey!

I also often have these nightmares that I can’t find Buddy, which I think is my fear of losing him because I just love him so much and he means so much to me; he’s my entire world, and last night I had another dream he was paralyzed in his hind legs and was also blind and when I was looking all over for him,calling for him and couldn’t find him a voice called out to me, He knows The End is near and he wants to go off by himself and it scared me so much that I woke up out of my sleep in a panic covered in sweat and panting in fear and actually calling him out loud in real life and much relieved to wake up and realize it was only a dream and he was curled up sleeping safely under the covers beside me. I cuddled him close and told him that no matter what may come in his old age ( he turns 13 in February) I will walk beside him thru his journey and I will never leave him, and I will be there for him right up to the end and will never abandon him, although I still hope he outlives me as he’s my everything; my only love, joy,and happiness in life,and I don’t even want to live in a world without him in it.

I can’t believe either today’s exactly 2 months until Christmas and I still haven’t even accepted the fact yet that summer is over and I’m still working on trying to accept that it’s fall and am only getting there in small steps, bit by bit; I don’t even want to think about winter yet, and it’s so cold now when I go out walking Buddy there I am out there wearing my wool sweater and hat and I saw the mail carrier wearing shorts and it was 5 C but felt like 1 C and I could have sworn I even saw a snow flurry! The 17 YR old also snickered cruelly to me, All you do is lay on the couch and get fat; I’m surprised you’re not an alcoholic,too! which was uncalled for, very hurtful and mean and she seems to forget that I spent more than half my life raising and homeschooling my large brood of kids, over 25 years (although the girls and my hubby sneer I don’t work and don’t have a job because I don’t get paid, devaluing my vocation) which is no easy task and is lots of work, and now I’m older and my health is poor and I have lots of medical issues, not to mention my brokenness from trauma and beaten down from life and now I have to slow down take it easy and rest.

I’m not young anymore and no longer have the health or stamina that I used to or the abilities that I once did and it would nice for them to have a little understanding, compassion and kindness instead of insults and ridicule,and it’s hard enough raising kids as it is, but my depression, Asperger’s and bipolar makes the challenging job of parenting even more difficult (I get it that having a bipolar and autistic mother can’t be easy but it’s not easy for me,either, having to live that way,and with it, or trying to raise a family with it, but I tried my best,and I didn’t even knowhad it until after I already had the kids, otherwise I never would have)and a little support would be nice. My family sucks.Then they wonder WHY I want to run away from home.

Christmas.

Screen Shot 12-02-17 at 06.47 PM I still can’t believe that Christmas is in just a few days. It seems like this year it just suddenly snuck up on us without any warning. For some reason I just don’t feel “Christmas-y” this year; I just don’t feel it. At least we should have snow for a White Christmas though after originally they didn’t think we would as the temps were to go up and rain and melt what snow we do have all away but now they say we’re to get more snow over the next couple of days and it’s to remain cold so it should stay and we should be ok. I esp. love the big fat fluffy white flakes and I want snow every year for Christmas as it doesn’t seem like it without it.

Screen Shot 12-21-17 at 04.36 PM 001 Here is Buddy curled up in his “nest” beside the Christmas tree. He already tried to open up a present so we had to hide it way up high away from him. I’m really enjoying this week off break while my hubby and most of the kids are away and I can take as long as I want enjoying a leisurely bath; I don’t have to watch the time and rush it having to get out at a certain time to make breakfast,and I can take Buddy for a walk as long as he likes and not have to hurry up and rush back; I don’t have to worry about what time it is or keep track of the time and think every 2 hours what food I have to plan and prepare; I can just do whatever at whatever pace I want, I can get up and go to bed when I want, not having to care about the time, not having to plan anything, and no one’s here to sabotage my music or my computer. I could really get used to this!

I also surprised my mother by putting all the groceries away for her, an early Christmas gift(as I don’t have any $$$$ to buy anything) but she never even noticed or acknowledged it, and when I said sarcastically to her, You’re welcome! she asked for what and I told her putting away the groceries and she said she thought that she had done it but forgot! Are you serious? Is she kidding? That’s why there’s no use in my helping out, doing something nice, trying to please these people  or do anything because I’m never thanked, appreciated, or even acknowledged and it just always ends up blowing up in my face; for the groceries all I got was yelled at for opening up the shortbread cookies and taking 2 of them! Why do I even bother? I just end up getting criticized, blamed, put down, faulted, and yelled at anyway. The 10 YR old also yelled at me when I needed his help to get the news on the TV as it wasn’t working for me( again) You’re so stupid and don’t know how to do anything right! My family sucks.

Winter Wonderland.

Screen Shot 12-12-17 at 06.30 PM It snowed last night! I could hardly wait to go out and walk in the snow but Buddy….not so much. When he went out for his early morning walk and saw it he just stood there, frozen and stiff, unmoving,immobile, refusing to budge, as if the poor dog was thinking What the f*ck just happened? This wasn’t here yesterday! What the hell? He hates snow and he didn’t even want to pee but pulled me right back inside so I ended up taking him out onto the road(in-between cars) to go pee quickly as it was the only spot that was plowed clear and him being a low-rider, the snow was deeper than he was tall! Then later on I shovelled him a little pathway he can use. At least now it puts me in the Christmas spirit though and looks like the Christmas season at long last finally.

When the 10 year old was asked what he wants for Christmas he also replied, Pizza from Pizza Hut, and put some $$$$ into the bank for my future. I swear, that kid’s even smarter than I thought! I always knew he was a genius, but what 10 year old thinks that far ahead and asks for something like that? My abdomenal pain’s really bad today as well and I kept getting woken up during the night with a bad cough,too, and next week my hubby and some of the kids are going away on a road trip for part of Christmas Break which also gives me a week of peace and quiet and a break as well.

Crappy New Year!

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I heard a song on the radio I could have sworn said have a crappy New Year! but then realized it must have been have a Happy New Year but it was so funny I re-named it and so now my greeting for 2018 will be, jokingly, Have a Crappy New Year! Knowing me and my life I probably will,too.

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The 16 YR old was also trying to wrap one of Buddy’s Christmas gifts ( a squeaky ball) right in front of him which I warned her ahead of time would be a bad idea as he’d sniff it out and sure enough he did and he went for it, snatching it out of her hands and when she tried to get it back he was having none of it and he growled over it protectively, knowing it was his and he wasn’t giving it back, no way, no how…touch it and die…

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One of my Jewish friends put up photos of his Christmas tree on Facebook as well and when I replied, What is that, a Hanukkah bush? he laughed and goes, Jews like trees too!

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I heard this car ad on TV and they said how it’s the perfect Christmas gift as it already comes assembled and I was thinking, What the f*ck,man? Imagine having to assemble a car? and I thought trying to assemble IKEA furniture was bad enough… and I’ll still never forget that time when I was about 20 when my mother and I spent an entire weekend trying to assemble a bookcase and it ended up upside-down and backwards.

HippoXMasTree We finally got the snow we never got last time so it’s finally starting to look like Christmas,we’re to get 10-20 cm,  and I heard on the radio that Wal-Mart sells “marijuana” Christmas trees; artificial trees that resemble the cannabis plant. That’s just so hilarious and so perfect for me. I’m going to have to check it out and see if they really do next time I’m in Wal-Mart. It will be the perfect decor for my room!

HippoXMas My mother saw her doctor as well and gave everyone in the office and at the lab baked goodies for the holidays because she’s always trying to buy people’s affection, to get them to like her, to gain favour, to be their fave. patient and such, and it was funny too how she’d labelled them so no one here at home would eat any, Do not eat! For lab Mon” and I thought she was doing the Jamaican thing, “for the lab, ‘Mon” but she meant “for the lab on Monday” but it cracked me up just the same. My hubby and I also pre-ordered tickets online for the new Star Wars  movie on Friday as we’ll be in Kingston anyway for my CT scan to see if I fractured my skull or have a slow brain bleed from when I fainted and fell and hit my head and I guess it’ll be our anniversary date which is the next day. I can’t believe it’s been 29 years. I’ve wasted more than half my life away.