Doubled-Over.

Screenshot_975 This is the position I’m to be found in all day due to my acute abdomenal pain. It’s so bad I can’t stand up straight and have to be hunched over with my hands clutching my abdomen. I also can’t sit up or lay on my stomach the pain is so bad(which is a problem since I can only sleep on my stomach!) and every time I change position, cough, laugh, or bend over the pain worsens.  My lower back is really sore as well and it started at 5:30 am as soon as I woke up and hasn’t let up all day,and, in fact, just continues to worsen as time goes on but I’m just going to wait it out and see if it resolves on it’s own. My mother says I should go to the ER but for one thing, I can’t sit, so I’m certainly NOT going to spend 6-8 hours sitting in the ER waiting room! F*ck that!!. Luckily I have a high pain tolerance…Maybe it’s just like I think it was with my mother’s back pain; maybe it’s nothing more than emotional pain just manifesting itself as physical pain? If so, then I’d really feel stupid for going to the hospital if it ends up to be nothing, or to just waste my time and have them just dismiss it as IBS like all the other doctors have.

This is pain on an entirely new level all on it’s own. It’s to such a degree that even weed didn’t relieve it and that’s a first; before, for other pain, even when all other meds fail (incl. codeine, Tylenol 3, Tramadol, etc) weed always works, but not this time. This pain was so intense nothing relieved it, and the heating bag didn’t do a thing,either. It first started off kind of crampy and colicky and I thought Aunt Flow might be coming(and so far it’s a week late) but as time went on the pain intensified and then it felt like when you have really, really bad gas and when you have bad constipation, and it felt like if I did a good shit it would relieve it but it didn’t ,and I shit 4 times,too, but then it still continued on to be even worse, the kind of pain where you curl your toes, clench your fists, and break out into a sweat from the pain. It’s tender when I touch it as well and when I stand up it feels like a surgical incision as it recovers.

What is going on? This is definitely something more than just IBS! I’d say something is either inflamed, infected, bleeding, or rupturing,and my first guess would be appendix, based on the severity of the pain( but it’s generalized though thru the entire abdomenal region, not just in a local spot) or maybe even colon cancer, and remember I did have the colon polyp 9 months ago, and they increase your odds of colon cancer dramatically, but it might also be an abdomenal aortic aneurysm expanding and on the verge of rupturing, esp. since that’s the way I think I’m going to die…Buddy can sense something’s wrong as well as last night he was cuddled up to me in bed extra close and all day he’s close-by even more than usual and when the pain’s extra bad he’ll come cuddle up with me and nuzzle against me,whining, licking my face, and one particular time I was outside laying on the porch swing out back and he came bolting out the back door and in a flying leap landed on top of me and was whimpering, pawing at me, licking me and barking. Maybe there’s a certain scent I emit when I’m sick or in pain or something, either that, or we’re just so close that he’s in tune with my vibes?

 

Screenshot_976 My hubby’s also cleaning and packing preparing to move and he threw out my old computer desk and replaced it with this newer, smaller one, seen here. Here is my new desk and computer area. I don’t care either way, as long as I have my own little space, my private nook, in the corner, and still enough space to put my hippos and stuff on. Just as long as he doesn’t throw out any of my hippo stuff though!

If you don’t hear from me anymore after this and this ends up being my last blog post then that means that whatever this is causing my abdomenal and back pain killed me and if so, then goodbye. My message: Love one another. ♥

Buddy’s Bump.

BuddyBump This is what the lump/bump under Buddy’s eye looks like and how big it is. It’s even bigger today but I’m hoping it’s nothing more than swelling and the thought came to me: maybe it’s even a spider bite, esp. since he has been going under my bed lately, a place that’s dark and where spiders are more prone to hang out? It may also be another kind of insect bite or sting,too, such as a wasp or mosquito. Today when I touched his snout he also recoiled and yelped, as if it was very painful and he looked at me with his big old sad Dachshund eyes and I wondered too if maybe it could perhaps even be a dental absess? My mother had that once and one entire side of her face all swelled up and she looked like a chipmunk with it’s cheeks full of nuts. That might explain his horrible breath that literally smells like dead mice and I lovingly refer to as Fish Breath and Death Breath.

When he yelped about his snout I gathered him up in my arms and drew him close to me, cuddling him, resting his head cradling against my chest , petting him, and he looked up at me, wagged his tail, nuzzled into me, and licked my hand. I just love him so much, I hope to God that he doesn’t have cancer or something and he’s not dying but in case he is( and he is 12 now) I’m trying to hold him and snuggle with him as much as I can, every waking hour, to let him know how much I love him,and in case it ends up being the last time I have the chance to do it. I can’t even imagine living without him. The past 4 years with him I’ve had love and companionship like no other and he has filled a void in my sad, lonely, empty life that can’t be replaced. I worry as well as he appears to have lost weight; I can see and feel his spine now and his skin is looser and baggier but when I weighed him it still said he weighs 13 pounds, the same as always,and he doesn’t act sick; he’s still eating, playing with his toys, runs over to greet me, wags his tail, etc. I just love him so much I worry and I can’t shake this bad feeling….

SunflowerJuly This is also my last one surviving sunflower, growing tall and doing well but will soon out-grow it’s windowsill home and I’ll have to move it somewhere else, where it can sit on the ground in front of a window to get sunlight, but not right in the window itself as it’s getting too tall. I also have this really gross black diarrhrea for the past 2 days, it looks like tar,which usually indicates internal bleeding, and it’s liquid(maybe it’s oil, HAHAHAHA; liquid gold, and that’s how I’ll get rich; I can refine it), it just squirts out of my ass and the abdomenal pains are back bad again as well and it really wouldn’t surprise me if I actually do have colon cancer afterall; it just somehow got missed in the tests and went undetected. It would certainly explain the abdomenal pain, the diarrhrea, the bleeding, the colon polyp, the significant weight loss, the changes in bowel habits…I think there’s more going on than just IBS…..

My mother was watching a movie as well and I walked in during a scene where a woman was on a dinner date with a Little Person( used to be called a dwarf) and she indicated how she was embarrassed to be seen out with him and that he wasn’t a “catch” and he was hurt and reminded her that neither was she and she’s one to talk, and she looked like a weathered, old dyke, like how I do, and it got me thinking how looking for love you shouldn’t just “disqualify”, discount, and reject people and not give them a chance because of things they can’t help, such as their height, weight, age, skin colour, race, ethnic background, religion, disability, etc. and how so many possible chances at love might have been missed because you reject someone for the most superficial reason, because they’re too short, or too fat, or they’re too old,or bald, etc..you should give the person a chance and look for what kind of person they are, look for traits like kindness, honesty, integrity, compassion, loyalty, etc. the things that really matter. I don’t mean settling; I mean not having such overly-high standards that you make it almost impossible for anyone to match up, and in the process over-look what’s really important and possibly end up missing out on a great person because you’re being too picky. I just wish someone saw me that way; that they could look beyond the physical and see the real me on the inside.

Disappointed.

Screen Shot 10-20-17 at 06.50 PM 001 I called the surgeon’s office yesterday as it’s been 2 weeks since my biopsy and I wanted to see if the results were in yet. The secretary said that they were in but that she’s away and hasn’t had a chance to look at them yet so it was limited what she could tell me but I asked her, Can you at least tell me if I have cancer? to which she replied, I would say no. So now we’re right back to where we started. No answers. I still don’t know what’s causing my excessive weight loss, abdomenal pain, debilitating fatigue, no energy,and feeling like something’s just draining the life out of me as she said earlier the colon polyp itself wouldn’t cause those symptoms and if it’s not colon cancer( I guess sometimes a polyp is just a polyp) then what is it? What’s causing my symptoms? Is it another cancer somewhere else that hasn’t been found yet, or is it something else, perhaps, like my liver again or maybe even my adrenal glands, like I had issues with before?

I’m disappointed as I was hoping for answers and I still have none. I still don’t know what’s wrong, and if the polyp wasn’t cancerous why did it bleed so much? It’s surprising as well since I had all the symptoms of colon cancer yet I don’t have it……so now the question is what do I have? I was hoping I was dying soon as well and cancer would be my way out, but that still doesn’t mean that I won’t; there’s always other ways I could still die, such as a stroke, heart attack, aneurysm, accident, etc. so I’m not giving up hope, and I can’t be bothered with life most of the time anymore and I’ve just given up and I’m so tired of my life and being me I pray to God every day to just set me free and take me back Home.

As well, my mother figured out why her back hurts: she pulled a muscle, and I got this wasp sting on my leg and it swelled up so bad it’s the size of a lemon now and just keeps continuing to get bigger and it stings and is really itchy as well so I took Benadryl to counter-act the allergic reaction, and the 23 YR old actually went to a redneck hockey game with his GF even though he hates hockey she wanted to go as it’s Canadian and she’s obsessed with all things Canadian so he went with her because she wanted to go which surprised me actually since she’s not a redneck. Now that’s true love. I wouldn’t go watch that crap unless someone paid me a million $$$$ and even then I’d have to force myself and I’d have to wear earphones and bring a book to read to distract myself. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than watch that! I can’t think of anything that interests me less.

Original Due Date.

Screen Shot 10-11-17 at 08.08 AM Today was the original due date for my first child 28 years ago. October 12…..only labour didn’t begin until 3 days later, on the 15th and he wasn’t born until 4 days later, on the 16th. I’ll never forget that day though; October 12th. It’ll always be imprinted in my memory forever, like a brain tattoo, forever etched on my mind, a day I eagerly anticipated and looked excitely ahead to for 9 months,and then a day that came and went….and as each day,each hour passed, I would get increasingly nervous, When it is going to happen? Is this baby ever going to come out? It seemed to last forever and I was just so eager to meet him and, to tell you the truth, at that point at the end of the pregnancy, just so desperate to get him out (I would have taken him out myself with salad tongs if I could!) I was trying everything from drinking castor oil, going for a bumpy car ride, to having sex….what’s taking this kid so long,anyway? I’m so done being pregnant….

…..but then one day, on the early morning of the 15th, around 5 am, my first contraction begun,and I was on my way at long last,and at 4 :47 the next morning, on the 16 th I became a mother for the first time,and against the odds he survived! Even though he was my first baby, our experiment,and we had no idea what we were doing and we were just “winging” it and just learned as we went along he survived and grew and came it thru it relatively unscathed(and he’s one of our more normal ones, or at least I think he is…) and now he’ll be 28 years old next week, but I’ll never forget October 12th. It was when he was originally supposed to be born.

As well, I saw this survey online how much $$$$ did you get for allowance as a kid and it reminded me: I used to get 20$ a week allowance yet now as an adult I’m put on a limit of 20$ a month “allowance” and this includes all my personal needs too such as shampoo, hair dye, tampons, deoderant, etc. whereas when I was a kid and a teen those were not incl. in my allowance; I didn’t have to pay for them, my allowance was just my extra spending $$$ but now I have to get all my needs out of it which is next to impossible and I realized that I had more money as a kid and teen than I do now. I’d also thought the diarrhrea was gone since the polyp was removed from my colon but now it’s back again, along with more bright red bleeding along with it, so maybe I do have colon cancer, afterall, then? I should get the biopsy results later next week….

I also had the recurring dream I often do of my last day of highschool and how free I felt, and how I just ran down the halls yelling, Freedom! I’m free! I never have to come back to this place ever again! what a feeling of pure freedom I felt, like I could fly,and it makes me think that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die,too; free; freedom from this life, free from this toxic environment, freedom from this toxic family, free from this physical body, free to soar, free to fly, free from anxiety, sadness, worry, fear, hurt, pain, rejection, free from depression, bi-polar, Asperger’s, free from self-loathing and self-hatred, free from being me,  just free….

Why Wait?

Screen Shot 10-07-17 at 08.27 AM I was thinking if the biopsy of my polyp and colon lining turns out I do have cancer afterall, which is what I actually expect considering the rectal bleeding, massive weight loss, diarrhrea, abdomenal pain, polyp, and family history of colon cancer, I’ve decided before I die things I’d like to do to enjoy what time I do have left incl. renting a Mustang or SmartCar and driving to Toronto to see my old house and spend a day in my old neighbourhood, going to the nail salon and having a French Manicure, going to Jamaica and being back in the Caribbean in my fave. place on the beach watching the sunset, etc, things I love and enjoy and that make me happy, and then the thought occurred to me….why wait? Why have to wait until I’m dying before I do these things? Why can’t I just do them now regardless, other than for financial reasons, esp. the Jamaica trip; if it’s going to bring some joy and happiness into my life why should I have to wait until my life is ending and almost over before I do the things I love? Why shouldn’t I be doing them all along, all thru my life? Why save it all up and wait until the end? Why not try and enjoy living right now,too, in the moment?

I also decided if it turns out a false alarm and I don’t have cancer (and if I don’t then my hubby probably really is poisoning me afterall as that would also explain my symptoms and deterioration over the past months; the drastic weight loss, abdomenal pain, bleeding, diarrhrea, feeling tired, run-down, listless, and drained…) then maybe it’s a chance to start over again, a new life, a second chance, to find happiness , independence,and freedom in my life like I’ve always wanted but always seem to be held back and prevented from. Perhaps I can maybe even try to get a driver’s license like I’ve always wished I had but never attempted due to my perception problem? Maybe I can attempt a driving course and get my license which would afford me more freedom and independence and I could just take off on the open road, windows open, music blaring, with the wind in my hair, I’d feel so free…. I pray to God either way to give me the strength ,guidance,direction,means,courage,and ability that I need to make the necessary changes and to start over again and to find happiness one way or the other. I’ve given up on ever finding love but maybe I can at least find some happiness, freedom, independence, and peace in some way, whether I die soon and find joy in Heaven or am somehow able to break free of this toxic environment and start over with a new beginning somehow because I’ve reached a point now where I’ve just had enough and  I just don’t give a f*ck anymore and just want to walk away and never look back. I’m just so done.

I woke up with a bad headache as well incl. stabbing pain behind my right eye and I’ve had a headache ever since I fainted and hit my head a week and a half ago(but it finally doesn’t hurt anymore unless I touch it now) so it may or may not be related, and in church before Mass we were reciting the Rosary and for a few seconds there wires must have crossed in my head or something because I suddenly didn’t understand the words and what everyone was saying in unison sounded like jibberish (and I also felt really sweaty) even though this is something I know by heart and then it was ok,  and I hadn’t heard the John Fogerty song The Old Man Down The Road in something like 35 years and I’m glad since I hate that song and I find it really annoying and it bugs me but lately all of a sudden I keep hearing it on the radio alot and so it makes me wonder if it’s trying to tell me something in the lyrics perhaps, but the only thing I could possibly see in it is where it says  about gotta run, gotta hide… that’s most of my life; running and hiding, fleeing danger so I wonder if there’s yet another  danger just ahead…great….that’s all we need!

My hubby and the 14 YR old were also hassling me about Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) because I don’t celebrate it and they like to taunt me about it so I just walked away and left the room, trying to avoid conflict and not give them the satisfaction. I don’t need this and I’m not putting up with their shit. I’ve had enough. Ignore the assholes. Just consider where it comes from. They’re not worth it. My mother had also asked my hubby to bring up the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner upstairs from the freezer as both her and I get out of breath going up and down stairs and of course he forgot and didn’t and then he went out so she grumbled that she had to do it and I told her just to have the 10 YR old do it; he’s young and strong and goes up and down the stairs all the time and this is something that he is capable of doing and can do to help but she would have none of it; he’s her little precious and she doesn’t dare want him doing any WORK,and when I asked her why she doesn’t want him to she sniffled, I just don’t!…. yet then complained how now she had to do it and how exhausted she was and how she always has to pick up the slack,etc, playing the victim and martyr when really it’s her own doing; she just makes more work for herself when she doesn’t have to and then complains about it!

My Polyp.

Screen Shot 10-06-17 at 08.13 AM I had a dream  last night that even though the polyp they removed from my colon is small and therefore not as likely to be cancerous that in actual fact it still is because it was bleeding so much as cancerous growths tend to tap in deep to rich blood supplies, so I wonder if it really is? I’m trying to reason out what the most likely results of the biopsy will be and I argue back and forth with myself and  I remember when I came back from Cuba that wound on my foot did take 2 months to heal and now I have a similar one on my arm and it’s been over a week and still red and healing slowly and slow-healing wounds are a sign of a compromised immune system, such as from cancer or AIDS,and just a regular polyp wouldn’t explain my symptoms unless it was also cancerous; the drastic weight loss, abdomenal pain and diarrhrea.

I was thinking perhaps my enlarged liver could possibly cause the abdomenal pain and weight loss but not the diarrhrea,and last time when I had liver trouble I did lose weight, but only 5-10 pounds, not over 50 pounds like I’ve lost now ( yet don’t get me wrong, it’s a blessing and I’m grateful; I needed to lose weight and to tell you the truth I hope I keep losing more and that’s the good thing about cancer; at least you lose weight and I won’t die fat!) and it’s clear on my arms and legs it looks like I’m wasting away, so sickly-looking with the skin hanging off, the cancer-look, so I go back and forth trying to explain it away to other causes yet it never seems to match or add up….except for colon cancer,and the fact that it was a real bleeder raises my suspicions about cancer even more and maybe it’s small but still cancerous; it was just found early before it had time to grow bigger? I’ll find out for sure in a couple of weeks though with the biopsy results….

Screen Shot 10-06-17 at 05.07 PM I also saw this on the news: check out the temp for 9 am: 117 C! Boy, is that ever hot! Hahahahaha! Someone screwed-up! I also had this other dream that I was dying and it was like this: it felt like I was dissolving into tiny particles of light as I was transforming from the physical to the spirit and then absorbed into a gigantic, immense, warm, incredibly brilliant white light and it was very peaceful.

Screen Shot 10-06-17 at 10.09 AM I got these life-like artificial sunflowers(they’re over 2 feet tall!) the other day as well and they look so real the stems and leaves even have a light fuzz coating them just like the real thing! I have small artificial ones in a vase on the dresser in my bedroom but these ones are so realistic and I have them in a big vase standing on the floor in the livingroom where I have a perfect view of them from my spot on the couch so I can see them every day. They’re just so bright, cheery, and loud, so in-your-face. The 14 YR old says she hates them and they’re “ugly” but I think she’s probably just saying that because she knows that like them,and anything that I like she has to automatically hate and insult. My hubby is a sunflower murderer,too as he’s always eating sunflower seeds, which have the potential, and could have been, sunflowers, but now they never will be because he eats their babies! He’s a sunflower killer and he provokingly does it in my face and taunts me about it just to annoy me,too, just because he’s a dick like that.

Colonoscopy.

Screen Shot 10-05-17 at 06.55 PM I had my colonoscopy done  and thankfully I was out completely and don’t remember anything other than laying on my left side on the table with my knees up to my chest watching the doctor push the milk-colour-like Propofol thru my IV tubing and drifting off and then waking up in the recovery room with oxygen in my nose,and that was it! I didn’t wake up in-between, feel anything or remember anything, just the way I wanted it. The procedure itself only took 10-15 minutes but I had to wait “backstage” so to speak for hours before it was my turn to go, sort of like when you’re on a plane in a line-up on the runway waiting to take off and there’s several others ahead of you and you have to wait your turn. Preparation always seem to take longer than the actual procedure! They laughed too when I woke up and they asked me how I felt and I groggily replied, Like I just had a few good bong hits! They probably got a good laugh at the tattoos on my ass too but I was asleep the whole time so I have no idea.

The doctor said she found and removed a small polyp(she described as a real bleeder) from my colon the size of a fingernail as well as some lining from the colon and it’s being sent for a biopsy which will take about 2 weeks for results. She said the rest of the colon looks ok, not inflamed or signs of Chron’s or colitis and given the small size of the polyp she doesn’t think it’s likely cancer although she also said that a simple benign polyp on it’s own doesn’t explain my abdomenal pain, drastic weight loss or diarrhrea, it would just explain the bleeding I had the night before the scope so I still don’t know if I have cancer or not,and it could still be possible either way and she said given my family history of colon cancer even if it turns out it’s not cancerous I still have to have the scope repeated every 2-3 years because I’m considered “high risk.”

I was so hungry, so starving from not eating or drinking for practically 2 days by the time I got out of there at 4 pm I went straight to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet on the way home and pigged-out and boy, did I ever pack it in! My first attempt at shit afterwards I had quite a bit of bright red blood as well but I guess that’s to be expected since my poor arse just got violated and traumatized, plus they took the polyp out but my butt doesn’t hurt, surprisingly, it just feels sort of “heavy” or full, like I always have to take a shit even though I don’t. I was kept up alot during the night before having to shit too so I was really tired and now at least I can finally get a good sleep!