The Nose-Ring.

Nosering 2 weeks or so or a month or whatever it was ago I had another CT scan and had to take out my earrings and nose-ring and afterwards I went to put them back in but I couldn’t get the nose-ring( a diamond stud like the one seen here) back in. I spent over 30 minutes trying to twist and turn it in but it wouldn’t go thru the hole no matter what, no matter how hard I tried, and my nose was really sore, red, swollen,and bleeding so I just left it out a few days to heal before trying again. Several days later I tried again, not wanting the hole to heal up and close over but I still couldn’t get it in so I tried a gold hoop instead, thinking maybe that will go in easier and work….and it still took forever and hurt and bled but I finally got it in. Then one day while I was at Patti’s it came undone in there and got stuck and was really pinching so I just took it out and left it until my recent scan the other day.

After my recent scan a couple of days ago ( I also have an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys next week but I don’t have to remove earrings for that; I just need to drink a shitload 1 HR before and not pee as they need a full bladder for a clearer image) I attempted to put it back in again, after healing for awhile but it still wouldn’t budge and refused to go in, almost as if the hole had closed up or as if it almost wasn’t meant to, or God didn’t want it to; He was stopping it, trying to tell me something… after all that struggle I figured that maybe for some reason God didn’t want me to have that nose-ring anymore ( even though I’d had it for 31 years and even pierced it myself with a big safety pin I’d sterilized first when I was 20, before piercings even became trendy; I was ahead of my time) even though I love it and will miss it. I don’t know what else would explain it. I’ve never had problems like that getting it in before. So I just figure it’s God’s will and for some reason He doesn’t want me to have it anymore( perhaps it will cause an infection later at some point, or something? who knows?) so I let it go and gave up. It’s up to me to be obedient, not to question why…God’s plans and God’s ways are bigger than ours…

I also have a desire to shave my head again and go back to my buzz-cut. Every now and then I do; I get bored and miss it and want to be bold, bald, and badass again, and it expresses my free spirit and rebellious off-beat funky personality perfectly,and I will never be pretty but I can always be unique. It’s also sort of like “armour” in a way too as it “scares” people off and they keep a distance from me so they don’t get too close and they leave me alone. Aunt Flow showed up as well, just when I thought menopause had finally started and I thought tomorrow it would be 8 weeks but when I checked on my calendar since the last one it was actually 9 weeks! Of course the cramps are off the charts but so far the flow isn’t too bad, surprisingly going so long, but it just started too and the second day is always the worst…

The other day at the hospital getting my CT scan for my heart my hubby saw my discharge vitals BP and heart rate and they were normal and he scoffed that I don’t really have a breathing problem or heart issues, always in denial of my medical issues, even though they’re running all these scans and tests and bloodwork and the Alpha 1 genetic disorder is looking like a strong possibility which affects the lungs( and liver) and causes breathing problems,and I’m NOT making it up; I know how I feel, I have the symptoms, and something’s draining the life and the energy out of me but he just simply refuses to see it and prefers instead to blame me and accuse me of just being “lazy” and making it up.I wonder how the asshole will feel later once I finally have a diagnosis, esp. if it turns out to be the genetic thing or something else really serious,and here he thought that I was just “faking” it all along? One day they’ll say my organs are at the end-stage failure and I’ll need a transplant or I’m dying, how will he feel then? Although he’s such a callous, cold asshole he probably still won’t even care, in fact, he’ll probably be glad to be getting rid of me. He’s also always trying to pressure my mother to sell the house even though she doesn’t want to move, saying moving is such a big hassle and expense and she would only consider it if she made more $$$$ selling this house than she spends on the next one and we were able to significantly downsize and save $$$$ otherwise there’s really no point.

Heart Scan.

scan1 Yesterday I had my CT heart scan. I also had to have the contrast dye thru the IV as seen here. The last time I had it for a scan I never had any problem; it just made me feel like I peed myself! They even had a cardiologist there during the test as well whereas you don’t usually get an actual doctor during scans; the technicians do it, and she gave me 2 sprays of nitroglycerin under my tongue to get better images as it dilates, or largens, the heart vessels, allowing for better imaging, but side-effects are it also widens all vessels, so your BP might plummet really low…. and….

scan2 ….after 5 minutes or so, maybe less, after I had the spray in my mouth( it tasted like a really sharp breath mint) I started to feel really…well…funny….I was all floppy and felt like a snowman that just melted and collapsed all at once into one giant swooshing puddle and they must have been able to tell by looking at me as they said, Are you ok?….. and as I felt my arms flop down from holding up over my head down to my sides and my head slump over to the left, I mumbled, I think I’m fading…. as it felt like sort of combination of when I’m going to pass-out and just before a seizure.

Then the same thing happened again right after they injected the contrast dye into my IV. At first I just felt a cold, wet sensation as the liquid coursed thru my veins and then the familiar feeling like I’d just wet myself, but then, also, I got this funny taste in my mouth and my throat felt funny, like swollen and hoarse I felt really restless and “floaty” and like I was going into another dimension, or into another frequency, sort of like how I go after weed, and I could feel myself “floating” and going towards the edge of consciousness, and have only vague recollections of it but I do remember them rushing around, sliding me out of the scanner, a cold hand resting on my forehead, a BP cuff on my arm, a voice which sounded distant, Are you still with us? so I came close to blacking out 2 times during the scan or perhaps I actually did…. So that was how I spent my morning.

It was also funny prepping for the scan the nurse asked me if there’s any chance that I might be pregnant and I laughed and replied, Good one! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time! You do know I’m 51, right? and she said they have to ask every female aged 10-55 and I thought 10? are you f*cking kidding me? That’s sick! I also had to fill out this form and it asked when my last period was, if I use contraception, etc. and last one was 2 months ago, no, I never used contraceptives…I mean, c’mon, man, we have 11 kids   does it look like I believe in contraception?..…and then she asked how can I be so sure there’s no chance I’m not prego, You are married, aren’t you? she asks, and I assured her,that, yes, I am, and then she asked when’s the last time I did….you-know-what… and when I said  11 years ago….embarrassed and ashamed…I’m so undesirable even my own husband  is repelled by me and doesn’t want me… I couldn’t even describe the look on her face but then she said, Well, at least we know you’re definitely NOT pregnant!! and turned around and wrote something down in her chart.

It’s been really mild and nice here the past 2 weeks or so as well, even 10 C or even as high as 15 C  and pretty much all the snow has melted away but now they say winter’s coming back with a vengeance; this was just a little teaser for spring. I never “fall” for it anyway. Mother Nature is a bitch. We’re supposed to get lots of snow this week and March is supposed to be really bad; lots of snow and really cold; it will almost be like February and March reversed. It’s been bad in Europe recently as well with many countries getting buried in snow, incl. my cousins, who posted photos of the snow on their Facebook.

Cardio.

Cardio Yesterday I saw the cardiologist. He turned out to be this really hot good-looking Egyptian guy and I thought I was going to pass out and most likely my heart was racing! I haven’t seen a man so beautiful in such a long time! OMG! He said my cholesterol is high which can cause heart attacks and strokes and he would normally put me on a medication for it now except with my liver issues he’s going to wait for now. I had an ECG while there and he’s going to book an echocardiogram which is basically an ultrasound of the heart, a CT scan with contrast dye to see if any arteries are blocked, and a stress test, like running a treadmill of which I will most certainly drop dead as I get out of breath just going up the stairs!He said the last monitor showed I have had a slow heart rate. I also now have the Holter heart monitor I’m wearing 24 hours a day for the next 2 weeks.In the waiting room I also saw a white woman in her 50’s with these incredible dreadlocks down to her waist and I told her, I love your dreads! They’re awesome! and she told me it took her 10 years to grow her hair and 2 weeks to make the dreads. When I sat down in the exam room a feeling also swept thru me From this moment on today your life is about to change…… so I wonder if it means that he’ll find something and it will finally be known what’s causing all my symptoms at long last and it can be dealt with….either that, or I die…..one way or the other it changes…

trees.png

Here’s a photo I took driving along the highway to my appointment. I kept seeing all these forests of beautiful snow-fallen fir trees and it was the most amazing, spectacular, beautiful thing, and the thought came into my head, If I die right now at least I would have seen something beautiful today. If it turns out I do have a heart problem or I die of a heart issue I literally would have died of a broken heart, which is pretty ironic considering after my lifetime of rejection, abuse, bullying, trauma, misfortune, victimization, brokenness and unhappiness I do have a broken heart and I have for a long time ; my poor heart has taken so much abuse, hurt, rejection, and pain. Dying of a broken heart would be so fitting for me, so symbolic, so perfect, so poetic. I worry when I do die though who will pray for my soul? I know my family wouldn’t bother, so who will pray for me? Perhaps our priests but who else? No one loves me enough to pray for me…

I also had to remove my nose ring for the MRI the other day and it was hard to take out and I struggled with it and then when I put it back in later that night I really had a hard time; the stud I originally had just wouldn’t go in, no matter how hard I tried; it wouldn’t go in the hole and I knew it wouldn’t close over in just one day but I tried and tried and wrestled with it so I thought Maybe if I try a hoop it will work? but still no luck, and I kept poking and poking and my nose really hurt and was bleeding and after an hour I finally got it thru! Now my poor nose really hurts though, still, and it’s all red and swollen and I can’t even touch it. Figures. Just my luck.

I also told my hubby to stop leaving the light on in the diningroom; to turn it off when he leaves the room because we can’t afford the electricity(my mother even told me she stays awake at night worrying about $$$ and how we’re going to pay our bills) and he denied it was him and then he flips out and screamed at me to shut up several times, overly mad given the situation, over reacting,  and when I said about my heart monitor fits in my pocket the 16 YR old asked what was in my pocket and then smirked, Knowing you it was probably drugs and in the car I took something out of my parka pocket and a skunk smell wafted thru at the same time and my hubby accused me, thinking it was weed, and snarked, Do you have drugs in there? and him, the 16, 14, and 10 year olds were all calling Buddy “ugly” too just to be mean, just to upset me, and I just wish I could drive and then when they do things like that I could just hop into my car (my Mustang) and just take off and hit the open road and just drive, and drive, and drive, to anywhere, just to get away from them, just to feel free and to escape and to get out of that toxic life.

I found out as well a friend from the old church was in a bad highway accident the end of November and was badly injured and she got just released from the hospital last week! Now she needs extensive rehab to learn to walk and has trouble with speech. She was in really, really bad shape. I can’t believe it. That’s horrible. Our oldest has also been friends with her son ever since he was 12.

Yesterday.

Screen Shot 01-04-18 at 03.39 PM 001 Yesterday was my birthday and this is my cake, but I added the hippos myself because you just simply cannot find a hippo cake anywhere. I can’t for the life of me imagine why though. Other than the cake it was just like any other regular ordinary day though, nothing special, no party, no celebration,hardly even any mention, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, only my mother even bothered to say Happy Birthday! to me, no one else did(although there wasn’t even anything special for my 50th last year), and she gave me my fave. German chocolates and a hippo keychain but nothing from anyone else and the kids never even made me cards either( they used to, when they were little) even though they know how much hand-made things mean to me and even though they still do for eachother and for other people, just not for me. Friends on Facebook wished me a Happy Birthday though and sent me messages and well wishes, and I went to the doctor and even him and nurse did, and it’s just sad how other people are nicer to me and treat me better and care about me more than my own family does.

I celebrated my birthday by hitting the bong, which also helped to wipe out that massive blinding headache I had that also woke me up at 1 am and kept me awake for 2 hours( I wonder if the heart monitor showed anything “wonky” due to it?) but at the doctor’s my BP was really high: 155/90 so that could be why the headache, even though I’ve been on medication for it for something like 4-5 years now. I was mad when I woke up too that I’m still here. I really thought and hoped I’d be dead by now and really I’ve been dead inside for years already, and when you give up your dreams you die….

Screen Shot 01-04-18 at 06.14 PM

I got my CT scan results as well and it showed no fractures or bleeds, so my skull must be strong as steel for that impact to not have done any serious damage; who needs a helmet; my head is a helmet! It did show I have White Matter Disease though where part of my brain is deteriorating, the main cause being high BP and can also be caused by old age or tobacco smoking(which I don’t do) and symptoms are forgetfulness, trouble remembering, trouble understanding things and learning new things, trouble with balance,memory, urinary incontinence, depression, brain “fog”, etc. but it’s a chronic thing; there’s no cure, it’s just progressive. I was actually kind of disappointed that it wasn’t anything terminal though; that I’m not imminently closer to death( although we still don’t know about my heart yet) as I was really looking forward to it and hoping it was close and finding out nothing from my head injury anyway made my soul sink so low, although high BP does cause heart-attacks and strokes so I still might not have too long….I spent last year waiting to die and this year I hope to try  to learn how to live again because I know I need a new start, a new beginning, a new life, I just don’t know how to start or where to begin.

The doctor also renewed my prescriptions, ordered an ultrasound of my ovarian cyst and complete blood workup and I asked him while he’s at it if he can check for poisoning as well just in case since my hubby has said 2-3 times he’s poisoning me and trying to kill me off for my life insurance money and all of a sudden his countenance just changed and his face just…..dropped and he got this worried, horrified look of utter shock, disbelief and horror on his face(and he said that’s not even something that you “joke” about when I said my hubby says he’s just joking) and got really serious and was asking if I feel I’m in imminent danger and I told him he’s not physically abusive and he did say he was joking but with him I can’t be sure and given my mysterious symptoms ( abdomenal pain, weight loss, headaches, liver and kidney damage, etc…) it does make me paranoid, esp. when medical tests keeps coming back unable to explain it… it’s all just so frustrating….he said not to worry, we’ll find out what’s going on and what the explanation is why I keep declining, why I’m so drained, weak, tired, have no energy and feel like something’s literally sucking the life out of me day by day….

 

Doctors.

Screen Shot 12-19-17 at 05.49 PM The 14 YR old’s app’t at the eating disorders clinic yesterday went well; she’s doing really well and almost at her ideal weight and they said now she only has to go once a month with discharge soon in sight, in maybe just a few more months! I also no longer have to write down everything she eats in my log and she’s now able to start being more independent and starting to participate in the selection and preparing of her own meals! They also want to start weaning her off her meds which scares me as last time they tried that she crashed and the eating disorder told ahold of her again and dragged her under. They don’t necessarily think the same thing will happen again but I’m not so sure. It’s encouraging and hopeful to see her doing so well though and to see that an end is near and I’m hoping this won’t be a life-long struggle for her but rather just a small “blip”.

My doctor also called and said they have my CT scan results already only this time I have to come in and discuss it, not like last time when I had my scan he just phoned me and told me the results, so this time they must have found something really bad (shit, maybe I have a brain tumour, or something?) and they said not until the New Year so either he’s off until then or else they don’t want to give me bad news until after Christmas so my Christmas won’t be ruined… also what got me suspicious when they called is they asked me how I’m feeling; if I’m doing ok and feel ok since I had the scan on Friday which I thought was kind of odd….to tell you the truth I’ve had this headache for the past 3 days I couldn’t get rid of until I tried out some of my new weed (now that it’s nice and fresh, plus it’s the start of my vacation now too the others are gone the rest of the week so I wanted to celebrate accordingly) in my bong and I never noticed any effects but it did knock out the headache! I wouldn’t be surprised if it showed a skull fracture though, or even a brain bleed as the impact when I fainted and fell was brutal. I see him on my birthday…. yeah, happy birthday to me…

My hubby also got this BMT sub at Subway and it bothered the hell out of me because I couldn’t figure out what it meant as BLT stands for bacon, lettuce, tomato except there was no bacon, lettuce, or tomato in this, but rather pepperoni, salami,and ham…..so where’s the BMT? I kept trying to figure it out….B for bun maybe, perhaps M for meat, but what about the rest? It was bugging me forever so I finally just Googled it and here’s the answer: BMT originally was Brooklyn Manhatten Transit but now it means Bigger, meatier, tastier. So now I know. Now you know. Now we all know. Now I can sleep at night.

My Adventure.

Screen Shot 12-16-17 at 07.33 AM 001 I had quite the adventure yesterday! First of all, my hubby and I spent the day in Kingston before I had my CT scan so we spent the day of it. First of all I went to a marijuana dispensary on the Mohawk reserve as they sold the stuff for cheaper than my usual medical supplier plus they also sell edibles that I can’t order online  and receive thru the mail, and this way also saves shipping costs and there’s no tax. There’s also no worry about the cops raiding the place as being on the Native reservation and territory it’s like Sovereign land, sort of like an embassy so they can’t bust it. Here’s a photo I took of this incredibly massive joint they had a draw for; I mean, this sucker is huge and easily worth hundreds of $$$$$. I just had to take a picture of it I was just so impressed. I mean, I really need this in my life. Can you just imagine the Magical Mystery Tour you’d take after smoking on this? In any case, I ended up buying my usual cannabis oil, plus 2 grams of weed , a special brownie and a couple of chocolates.

The next stop was the mall, where for our anniversary(which is today) gift my hubby got me an Ugly Christmas sweater that said Merry Go F*ck Yourself! and I also bought a cool purple sequin backpack and a wall plaque that said Love me, love my and had a silohette of a Dachshund, so perfect for me and 50% off,too! Then we ate at Popeye’s where I’ve never been to before but I wanted to try as I’d seen their commercial on TV for their popcorn chicken and it looked good…..but ended up to be an utter and total disappointment; it wasn’t even spicy at all and, in fact, didn’t even have any flavour whatsoever; even KFC has more “spice”; the napkin would have been just as “tasty”; it was so bland it was like British food and it just totally turned me off I couldn’t even eat it so I had no dinner and was royally pissed-off and now puts Popeye’s in the same designation of shitty places along with the likes of Denny’s and A&W that I’d rather starve than eat there ever again. I also kept feeling hot, sweaty and like I was going to faint several times during the day too as well as really thirsty and dehydrated and had to sit down and rest.

Then it was time to see the new Star Wars movie my hubby pre-ordered tickets online for expecting a sell-out crowd even though hardly anyone was even there, but this cinema was amazing, not like the one here in town; the screen was enormous and the seats were black leather fluffy recliners, and it was a good movie except it started 20 minutes late… so many stupid commercials, ads, and movie previews….so it ran late, which made us run late for my CT scan, and the movie still wasn’t over yet and it was just 15 minutes until my app’t which was still 20 minutes away and we were having this fierce blizzard…..so just our luck, we had to leave early, before the end of the movie, and we hit every single red light along the way too and I just barely made it on time for my scan and then driving home we got caught on the highway in these terrifying snow squalls where it just went pure white and you just couldn’t see anything and were basically driving blind and just hoping and praying for the best and couldn’t even see the cars in front of you, my God it was so scary and I remember praying, convinced we were going to be killed in a car crash, Dear God, if I get killed here on this road tonight please at least let it be quick …. They said I should get the results in a about a week.

Crappy New Year!

Screen Shot 12-08-17 at 07.25 PM 002

I heard a song on the radio I could have sworn said have a crappy New Year! but then realized it must have been have a Happy New Year but it was so funny I re-named it and so now my greeting for 2018 will be, jokingly, Have a Crappy New Year! Knowing me and my life I probably will,too.

Screen Shot 12-08-17 at 07.25 PM 001

The 16 YR old was also trying to wrap one of Buddy’s Christmas gifts ( a squeaky ball) right in front of him which I warned her ahead of time would be a bad idea as he’d sniff it out and sure enough he did and he went for it, snatching it out of her hands and when she tried to get it back he was having none of it and he growled over it protectively, knowing it was his and he wasn’t giving it back, no way, no how…touch it and die…

Screen Shot 12-08-17 at 07.25 PM

One of my Jewish friends put up photos of his Christmas tree on Facebook as well and when I replied, What is that, a Hanukkah bush? he laughed and goes, Jews like trees too!

Screen Shot 12-08-17 at 07.24 PM

I heard this car ad on TV and they said how it’s the perfect Christmas gift as it already comes assembled and I was thinking, What the f*ck,man? Imagine having to assemble a car? and I thought trying to assemble IKEA furniture was bad enough… and I’ll still never forget that time when I was about 20 when my mother and I spent an entire weekend trying to assemble a bookcase and it ended up upside-down and backwards.

HippoXMasTree We finally got the snow we never got last time so it’s finally starting to look like Christmas,we’re to get 10-20 cm,  and I heard on the radio that Wal-Mart sells “marijuana” Christmas trees; artificial trees that resemble the cannabis plant. That’s just so hilarious and so perfect for me. I’m going to have to check it out and see if they really do next time I’m in Wal-Mart. It will be the perfect decor for my room!

HippoXMas My mother saw her doctor as well and gave everyone in the office and at the lab baked goodies for the holidays because she’s always trying to buy people’s affection, to get them to like her, to gain favour, to be their fave. patient and such, and it was funny too how she’d labelled them so no one here at home would eat any, Do not eat! For lab Mon” and I thought she was doing the Jamaican thing, “for the lab, ‘Mon” but she meant “for the lab on Monday” but it cracked me up just the same. My hubby and I also pre-ordered tickets online for the new Star Wars  movie on Friday as we’ll be in Kingston anyway for my CT scan to see if I fractured my skull or have a slow brain bleed from when I fainted and fell and hit my head and I guess it’ll be our anniversary date which is the next day. I can’t believe it’s been 29 years. I’ve wasted more than half my life away.