All For Love.

Screenshot_942 I woke up this morning by the putrid rancid stink of fresh warm shit, a squishy diarrhrea, in fact, waiting for me right in front of my bedroom door, courtesy of Buddy who has The Shits. He may have tried to wake me up and tell me(he normally does) only I was asleep and never heard him, esp. as I did also sleep thru the news and never woke up and when you gotta go you gotta go, so there I was, before the sun even came out, on my hands and knees, scrubbing shit off my carpet and he was hiding under my bed, thinking he was in trouble and I tried to coax him out and told him,  The things I do for you! You’re lucky I love you so much! and then I was thinking of all the things I do for him because I love him:

I get up early to take him out. I even wipe his ass for him(and this time of year is best with wet leaves to wipe fudge-smudges). I go out in sub-Zero freezing temperatures to take him out. I go out in pouring rain to take him out. I pick up shit with my bare hands. I touch the most disgusting slimy so-called “meat” and cook it for him to eat. I clean brown waxy gunk out of his ears. I express his anal glands. I get farted on, sneezed on and breathed on with his dragon breath. I pick fleas and ticks off of him. I’ve washed shit out of his fur. I’ve cleaned up his puke off the carpet. I’ve had my face licked.

I do it all for love and it’s worth it. He’s worth it.And I’d do it again. And again. And again. And I do. And I love it.

As well, my hubby’s always making fun of me for being forgetful and calls me old (even though he’s 4 years older than me) but now it’s happening to him,too; he forgot where he put his pants and he fell asleep in his relcining chair watching TV just like my Dedushka used to do, also a sign of being an old man, so who’s the old one now? Now he knows what it’s like to be old! Welcome to my world! He denies he reads my blog,too, even though I know he does as he’s made references that have only been on the blog and I’ve even seen  it up on his computer screen once when I went in to his office for something; he just lies for some reason and pretends that he doesn’t. I don’t care either way though; if he reads it or not; I don’t do it for him, anyway, I just don’t get why he has to lie about it, and he’s putting up the outdoor Christmas lights again this year too after not doing it last year and saying he was done with it.

I was also starting to leave my body after I’d had weed and Buddy could sense it and it worried him and he was trying to stop me and interrupt the process and prevent me from leaving and he kept barking, pawing at me, scratching my leg, biting at my pant leg and tugging, licking my leg, as if trying to “rouse” me and I told him, Don’t worry; I’ll come back! but he wasn’t having any of it and he ended up disrupting it and the moment was gone as I have to have just the right conditions for it to work and any distraction pulls me back out of it. I also have increasing nausea almost daily now and I know something’s wrong as it’s highly unusual for me as I’m normally not a “barfy” person unless I have the Flu(which is only like every 5-10 years or so), am prego, or in extreme pain, such as in labour, a migraine, or after surgery, so I wonder if it’s just menopause related or due to an illness? I was also shocked and surprised to figure out that with my all-day Morning Sickness for 3 months with each of the 11 kids it would end up being something like 3 1/2 YEARS of being sick!!!

I cut the 11 YR old’s hair as well and now the other kids are being mean and making fun of him saying it looks awful and he’s so ugly and really ugly now and I did a bad job(yeah, like they could do better), etc. only I think it looks good; it just ended up shorter than originally planned since he laughed and moved when I had the clippers and this big chunk got accidently shaved short so I had to do the rest to match and blend in. It looks nice; it’s just a change and big difference and it takes time to get used to is all. Before he had this thick curly wild hair all sticking out like a mad scientist and now it’s really short and spiky.

The furnace also somehow got up to 80 F and it was really nice and warm in here like it never has been before; it’s always so freezing cold in the house we have to wear coats and wrap blankets around us to try and keep warm and I have to use a space heater in my bedroom overnight but now it’s soooo nice and the kids and I love it but my mother says it’s too hot and puts it back down to 70 F and here I was all this time, all these years, thinking that the furnace wasn’t working, that it didn’t adequately heat the house well as it was always cold, but it turned out it was capable; it just was never allowed; she just always had the thermostat set too low, so it never got to warm up, but now she says it’ll cost too much to keep it at 80F but we don’t want to go back to freezing either so we’ll have to compromise and set it in-between at 75 F and I’m sure, of course, that if she puts it back down to 70 F it will mysteriously somehow “find” it’s way back up again….

 

First Snowfall.

Screenshot_867 We got our first snowfall! We got a dusting as you can see here and it was really coming down heavy,too, big fluffy flakes, not just light flurries, and it was a heavy packing snow, but in October? Buddy wasn’t too happy to see it,either, and when he stepped out in it for a walk he recoiled in horror, lifted up a paw and looked up at me with a stunned look as if he was thinking, What the f*ck, man? What is this? Where the hell did this come from? and he didn’t even want to go for a full walk; he just quickly did his thing and then turned around and pulled me to go back inside! The snow actually even stayed on the ground overnight into the morning but then it got milder and rained and washed it all away.

Good.

I also did Confession yesterday in church, asking forgiveness for the sins I’ve been accused of committing years ago even though I don’t remember ever actually doing any of it, and even question whether or not it even ever actually occurred, but if it did I feel really guilty, horrible, and badly, and need forgiveness, from God, from the accuser, and from myself, and the priest said that it’s only a sin and in need of forgiveness if I did it on purpose and was aware of it and did it willfully;  that you have to have intent in order for it to actually be a sin you need to be forgiven for, and if I didn’t even know, didn’t realize, and thought I did my best no sin was committed, and with my Asperger’s and bipolar it’s also not my fault; that I can’t help being what I am and it’s not fair for others(such as my family does) to hate me and blame me for things I can’t control, and like in the justic system with someone who committed a crime while insane God doesn’t hold you accountable unless you knew what you were doing and you were fully aware it was a sin but you did it anyway so that makes me feel better and I know God loves me and can see my heart and knows my intentions and that despite my repeated failures I  try, and I do the best with what I have and I do mean well; they just somehow always seem to come out wrong, get taken the wrong way,misunderstood,twisted around,  offend, annoy, push people away, appear rude or inconsiderate, etc. but that’s never my intention.

My hubby and the 17 YR old played a prank on me as well: the kids were late coming home from church in the morning yesterday( they don’t like going with me; I go in the evening, so they go in the morning) and I was getting worried so I called my hubby to see if he picked them up; if they were with him, and the 17 YR old answered the phone and had somehow altered her voice so it sounded like someone else and she said she just found the phone on the street; it was lost and she picked it up and asked who I was and don’t I want my phone back, asking for info,etc… but I suspected all along it was them and they were tricking me like they always do, and then she says do I want the phone or does she drop it off at the police so I just said to drop it off at the police and then I hung up. I thought that was that….

until….

They come home together awhile later and my hubby bursts thru the door looking somewhat panic-stricken and asks about his “missing phone” and I’m horrified and tell him what happened and I thought they were just pranking me but to call the number someone has it; they found it, so he “calls” and pretends to be talking to someone on the other end….and I’m freaking out thinking it’s actually real, all the while trying to explain to him why I didn’t believe it and hung up, thinking they were pranking me like they always do I didn’t believe it was real, that he actually did lose his phone so I guess this time the prank’s on him….. and then they all start laughing and he says the prank’s on me because it all was just a joke and he pulls out his phone to show me!  I seriously don’t know why they delight in always messing with me like that, and then they wonder why I’m crazy and losing my mind.

He Sent Him.

Screenshot_615

When I prayed for someone to love me God sent me Buddy, and when He sent him:

He sent someone to love me unconditionally.

He sent me a best friend.

He sent me a great listener.

He sent me the perfect companion.

He sent someone who will never “out-grow” cuddling.

He sent me a reason to get up every morning.

He brought light, joy,and love into my life.

He sent someone to love me when no one else would.

He sent me a friend that is loyal and will never hurt or betray me.

He gave me someone to dote on.

He gave me someone that needed me.

He gave me someone who loves me just as I am and doesn’t care what I look like, how much I weigh,how smart I am,how much money I have, what I’ve achieved, or that I’m crazy.

He sent me an example of pure selfless love.

He ended my loneliness and longing for love and friendship.

He gave life meaning again.

He gives me a reason to keep going each day.

He sent me my soulmate, only in animal form.

He sent someone who “gets” me.

He sent me a friend that will never wake up one day and suddenly decide he doesn’t like me anymore.

He sent someone to keep me company and someone to talk to.

He sent a friend to comfort me.

He sent someone that would return my love and not reject it.

He sent someone to make me smile and laugh.

He sent someone who misses me when I leave and is happy to see me when I return.

He sent me someone who loves me more than they love themselves.

He sent someone to love.

He sent LOVE.

Thank you, God.

Re-group.

Screenshot_606 I have to re-group. The other day I was hit with a very serious accusation of something I supposedly did decades ago in the past, but it was something so awful, so horrible, so terrible, so unthinkable, so unforgivable(and no, it’s nothing sexual, so get your mind out of the gutter) I doubt that it even really actually occurred, because if it did I don’t even remember it, and certainly if I did something so awful I would at least remember doing it, wouldn’t I, unless, of course, it never really happened, and the other possibility, is that with my bipolar and my mental state at the time and due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was just so traumatizing, and so hard to bear, so difficult to live with, that I just completely blocked it out? It was something so bad that if I did actually do it the guilt would be so bad that I just couldn’t live with it or live with myself. Maybe God also even “erased” the episode and the time period from my memory as a means of self-protection; as survival, knowing that if I knew, if I remembered, if I was aware, that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it? How does one live with themself knowing they’re a monster, for example,such as a serial killer?

I seriously question the whole thing though because that’s really not how I remember it and when I asked a witness who was there at the time(and still remembers) their thoughts on it they denied it ever happened,either, were stunned speechless, and said the accuser themselves must have issues and that they must have been making the whole thing up. I just wouldn’t do something like that though; it’s not who I am,  and it sounds so incredulous and I have zero memories of it; it just doesn’t seem possible, so I have to re-group and get my head together to try and comprehend such shocking revelations, esp. as it sounds so far-fetched it makes me wonder if maybe a tall-tale is maybe just being told to mind-f*ck with me, to try and take advantage of my brain decline, forgetfulness, mental illness, bipolar and hallucinations and self-doubt that goes along with it to try and convince me and make me feel guilty about and hate myself for something awful that I never really actually even did; that never even really happened, perhaps to drive me even more insane, to see how I’ll react;  to see what I’d say and do to the accusations, or maybe to even drive me to suicide over the guilt? I don’t know.

That’s the hard part. What’s real, and how can I tell?

All I know is I’ve been thinking over and over, wracking my brain, going back to the past, trying to re-live events and time periods in my head trying to see if it might have ever been possible but I’m just not seeing it or feeling it; it’s just not something I’d do, goes against everything I am, and when I think about it occurring it makes me feel heartsick and sad even just at the possibility. That’s the worst thing about being unsure of yourself, having self-doubt and not being able to rely on and trust your own mind, your memories, and being able to tell  the difference between what’s real and what really happened VS what was just a thought, a dream, a hallucination, or just all in my mind, but for whatever I may have done, or have failed to do, or should have done(but didn’t do), or for what someone even thinks I may have done, or hurt anyone or wronged anyone in any way whether intentional or not, whether I even realized it or not, I apologize,and I am truly sorry.

I just wish  knew the truth though; what really happened. Am  I capable of such a heinous thing, and is it possible I did do it without knowing, without remembering…..or is someone just trying to trick me (with my bad memory and declining mind and forgetfulness) into thinking I did? Is it just some sort of sick, cruel, twisted mind-game,perhaps, or maybe the accuser has a false memory or perhaps confused me with someone else or has a faulty memory themselves or they thought an incident occured that really didn’t? Perhaps they too have a hard time distinguishing fact from dreams, fears, false memories, etc,too,like I do? The whole thing has greatly upset me though and now my stomach ulcer’s acting-up big time from the stress and my stomach pain’s back really bad once again. This is troubling me greatly and if I really am such a horrible, terrible, awful person how do I live with myself? How do I look myself in the mirror each day knowing I did something so awful?

No wonder I don’t deserve to be happy or be loved. Maybe that’s why deep-down I hate myself so much too; because I know I’m such a terrible, awful person? If it turns out to be true, I don’t even deserve to live.

The possibility was also suggested that maybe that’s why I always have such bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness, etc. in life is maybe it’s karma; that I’m being “paid back” or punished, except that my bad luck has plagued me for my entire life, as long as I can remember, even back when I was a kid, even way before this was said to have occured. In any case, I pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth to me so at least I’ll know either way and so if there really is any truth to it I can deal with it, make amends( although I don’t know what could ever “make up” for it) be forgiven( although I could never forgive myself) and heal and try to move forward….yet my own history with trauma has taught me that some traumas break you so hard that you can’t ever be fixed or get “over” it.

Patti also surprised me by sending me a message on Pinterest with her usual story that her phone was broken( yeah, right…..for  6 months?) and she couldn’t “find” me on Facebook and then she “forgot” how to spell my name…..all kinds of lame excuses so I wrote a reply enough of the excuses; I know she de-friended me on Facebook and blocked me; that she just used me to get puppies and then once she got what she wanted from me she just threw me away and I told her I thought she was my friend and that I’m done now; I don’t need people like that in my life. I bet the only reason she’s even trying to all of a sudden contact me again is it’s been 6 months and her dog’s probably in heat again and she wants more puppies again and wants my dog to mate with hers again but I’m NOT falling for that again! Even I’m not that stupid! I’ve been used and betrayed enough in my life. Never again.

It Doesn’t Matter.

Buddy7 I took these shots of Buddy and I sitting out in the backyard just snuggling on the porch swing enjoying what we can of the last of the mild weather before it gets too cold to be outdoors, and I was just loving on him, thanking God for him, being grateful for him in my life,savouring the moment, and the 11 YR old saw this photo and goes, You look like an old man!  and it got me thinking, I know, I’ve been told many times I look like a man, look like an old man, look like a dyke, look like an old lesbian, etc. but to Buddy it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter.

He loves me anyway. Just as I am.

Buddy8

It doesn’t matter that I look like a man in drag.

Or that I weigh as much as a hippo, and that I’m crazy, that I’m broken, damaged, traumatized,

and love the ganja.

or that I can’t do math in my head( or any other way, for that matter)

It doesn’t matter that people find me irritating and annoying.

It doesn’t matter that I’m not smart, I’m a mess,or that I struggle with everything

or that I’ve never been popular and that no

one loves me except for him.

It doesn’t matter that I fail at everything I try and

that I sing out loud even though I can’t sing.

It doesn’t matter that I’m perfectly imperfect.

He loves me anyway.

Just as I am.

Screenshot_488

It doesn’t matter

that he’s old and grey now

or that he hobbles and limps along slowly,

or that he has a big lump under his eye, and

has death-breath that could be classified as a biological weapon.

It doesn’t matter that his farts smell like skunk

or that he’s missing teeth

and always steals my spot on the couch

or sometimes shits on the carpet when he has diarrhrea.

I love him just the way he is.

To me he’s perfect.

Dognapped!

Buddy2

Last night My Boy was kidnapped! The 17 YR old said she’s been hearing mice in her room during the night scurrying around and it freaks her out and keeps her awake at night so she decided to “kidnap” Buddy out of my room(where he sleeps) during the night to catch the mice in her room. So, she(along with the help of the 15 YR old and my hubby) decided to try and sneak him out of my room during the night once I fell asleep. Their original attempt didn’t go so well; there’s no way he’d ever allow anyone to remove him physically while he was guarding me as I slept, plus I also had fallen asleep with my arm around him and he wouldn’t let anyone take him away from me without a fight, and at the very least he’d bark and growl and I’d wake up, so they had to get out the Big Guns and lure him away instead of trying to grab him.That’s dirty pool!! My hubby used the annoying squeaker that he knows he hates and blew on that….and he came charging out of my room, following the sound….and then they grabbed him and locked him in her room!

I later woke up not too long after, realized he was gone, and let him stay for awhile, realizing what they were doing, and opened up my bedroom door(which they had closed, I guess so I wouldn’t notice anything) so he could come back when he wanted….except they’d locked him in her room, but when I got up again at 5 am to go pee and I noticed he was still  gone I was like, OK, enough is enough, I’m going to get my dog and bring him back where he belongs,  so I picked the lock in seconds (because extractions are one of my specialties from my past; don’t ask why) and he was laying across the foot of her bed and he must have heard me as he didn’t bark and  his head had perked up and when he saw me his tail started wildly thumping and I picked him up and brought him back into my room with me where we snuggled in bed for another hour or so. His right eye(I  think the same eye that had the lump under it before) is swollen now as well, and it’s on the same side as his missing toe so maybe he hit it on the coffee table when he fell down the other day and it’s the dog equivalent of a black eye, or maybe it’s an insect bite, esp. as I did also see a wasp near him the other day and heard him yelp….

hippos10 My friend W (in Ottawa) also told me he saw hippo home decor (such as the one pictured here) at his Wal-Mart and he suggested I go to their site online and look….and  low and behold, there it was, and on sale, too, reduced from 21$ down to 15$ so I ordered it….

hippos11 along with this cool hippo mug as well. I don’t drink tea or coffee  but I can use it for other stuff,too, such as hot chocolate( in the winter) or to store pens and pencils in. Odd though is that they don’t deliver. They deliver to the closest Wal-Mart and I have to go to the store and pick it up, but they don’t deliver it to my house. I thought that was kind of weird. Just like when we first moved here we had to share taxis. I’d never seen that before. I also got a letter in the mail from the neurologist in Kingston informing me that my app’t the end of November has been changed to early November…..but the thing is I didn’t even knowhad that app’t! No one ever told me (he didn’t mail me a letter with the app’t date like he usually does) so it’s good it was switched otherwise I’d never have known.

Screenshot_334

The 23 YR old also made some $$$$$ doing odd jobs so he went out and bought some new clothes, incl. the ones here. I think he looks like a pimp, ha, ha(and no, he’s NOT GAY in case you were wondering; he had a long-term GF for YRS). I like and admire his expressive style though and encourage it,being unique, just as long as it’s not against God ( such as girls’ not too short or revealing or any occult symbols,Goth, or anything like that) I just hope he doesn’t get beat up by some dumb redneck or something ! He’s always been a ham,too; a funny guy and a jokester as well as one of my faves. He’s one of the three I’ve always been closest to, at least when they were younger, but now none of them love me anymore. 😦

It was weird as well I was laying down and I felt like something was literally turning  around and churning in my belly but it wasn’t my stomach; it was lower down, in my abdomen, and it actually felt like when you’re prego and you can feel the baby kick for the first time and if I wasn’t 51, in menopause, and haven’t been laid in 12 years (since I got prego with the youngest) I’d even wonder if I was prego, esp. since my other symptoms are the same as while prego,too, incl. extreme fatigue, ravenous hunger, really sore lower back, no Aunt Flow in 14 weeks or so, nausea, headaches, weight gain… even though the absent period is due to menopause and the hunger and weight gain either because of my heavy weed use( ha,ha!) or side-effects of my medications,or maybe it’s the way it is with menopause… but in any case, my doctor ordered a pelvic ultrasound ( finally!) next month to try and find out the cause of my abdomenal pain which I still have on and off. Maybe my colon’s twisting or blocking or something, or the inflamed sacs are even popping or something?

 

Self-Portrait.

hippos9 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

Screenshot_316

The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced,can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.