Loyd.

HemmoriodBaboonAss Guess who’s back? Loyd, Loyd, the Hemmoroid! Yes, my hemmoroid is back once again! Great, that’s all I need, on top of everything else. I can feel it now when I wipe my ass as it sticks out the end like a little triangle, like the end of the tip of that Italian bun I like, only it hurts now every time I wipe. Oh, shit…..alternating constipation and diarrhrea….and now this? Plus my constant daily stomach and abdomenal pain…..what next?

The medical marijuana suppliers also phoned me about my paperwork for my license re-newal; everything is finally now all in order; a week or so left until it runs out; they received the re-newed prescription from the doctor and all my paperwork but they said my digital signature I sent them online wasn’t valid because I had to sign using the mouse on my computer and, well, let me tell you about that….. in any case, they had to call me instead and ask my name, birthdate,and address instead of the signature to verify it was still me and that I still have the same address, blah, blah,blah

So, what happened was I had to sign a document online(and then e-mail to them) using the computer mouse,which,of course, I have no idea how to do or how to even use. For me, a computer mouse is just used for scrolling up and  down and clicking, not for writing……really?…. WTF…. and my hubby….in-between laughs….showed me how to do it….but the problem for me is, not only do I not know how to do it, I’m also left-handed and write with my left hand…..but the computer mouse is situated on the right side of my computer and that’s how I’ve learned to operate it, using my right hand, not my left( just like how I learned to play guitar and use scissors right-handed; growing up in a right-handed world you just sort of have to adapt but I write and brush my teeth and eat, for example, with my left) so there lies the problem: how do I do a signature, using a mouse I have no idea how to write with in the first place, using my non-dominant hand? Now, normally, being left-handed, I can use my right hand for both printing and writing, although it’s sloppier and takes much longer but it can be done, but that’s using a pen, not a computer mouse which I have no idea how to write script with using any hand……so my “signature” ended up looking like a bunch of tangled worms, or like I’d had a stroke , or something a 2 year old would have scribbled. I don’t even want to know how much they must have died laughing when they saw it…..

 

My mother also snickered to me when I was saying how it hurts me the kids all hate me, respect has to be earned! and I reminded her, Yes, it does! just letting her know the reason why I feel the way I do about her, too. We used to get along well before actually, before I had kids and then she just took over and over-stepped boundaries with my kids, over-ruled and undermined me , vetoed me and sabotaged my discipline with my kids and turned them against me, like the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine; I was the Bad Cop because I had rules and punishments and she fashioned herself into the Good Cop that they’d run to and she’d soothe them and tell them how “mean” I was,and how “unfair” I was being,and she’d over-rule it, and they’d go to her to get out of punishments, chores, rules, etc. and before long we’re battling for control and she bribes the kids with money and treats, buying their affection and turning them against me. It almost seems as if she turned it into some sort of “contest” where she had to get the kids over on to her “side”, to get them to love her more than me, to get them away from me and take them for herself, where she had to have the control and I just got shoved aside.She also didn’t seem happy when they loved me(when they were younger) and wasn’t satisfied until they stopped, like she doesn’t want anyone to love me, just because she doesn’t.It’s just all so f*cked up and weird.

I was also wondering as well when you die and you’re first aware that you’ve died how you react to this news and this new unknown adventure that awaits you: for me, for instance, I look forward to it like I how I was on my first cruise; eager, excited, looking forward to the adventure  and can hardly wait, jumping in eagerly with both feet, actually, head-first, and not like how I was starting my first day of school, where I clung to my aunt’s legs and hid fearfully behind her( and I didn’t even like her; she was my mean aunt) crying, not wanting her to leave me there, not wanting to stay, dreading, terrified,and feeling abandoned and alone. My natural fear reaction is to run and hide, hoping to not be seen, hoping that it will pass by me; for it to just disappear and go away, but I don’t fear dying like that; in fact, it’s my life that I want to run away, disappear, and hide from instead; that I wish would just go away and leave me alone, that I could escape and hide from. I’m rather running away from my life and running towards Heaven, eager for the transition, the fresh start, a new beginning, the chance to be set free.

The Ceiling.

ceiling1 We’ve had a leak in the ceiling in the second floor hallway for awhile now, coming down thru the ceiling fan/light, even when it’s not raining. At first I thought it must be the roof leaking, like we have in the kitchen but now it makes more sense it’s more likely coming from the third floor bathroom(probably the toilet, like what happened at our old house in Toronto and the entire kitchen ceiling came crashing down) just like the 15 YR old suspected. We’d had towels there to mop it up, not a pail to catch the drips as it covers such a wide spread area no bucket is big enough to cover the leaking area. The paint had also been peeling there from the wetness and it’s stained.

I noticed just today a square-shaped crack and said it looks like it’s going to come crashing down,and guess what….less than an hour later it did, right on top of my hubby as he had the ladder up there to disconnect the fan/light after he cut the power. The fan ,mud and debris from the ceiling rained down on him onto his back and arms but luckily not his head. He doesn’t even have any cuts or scrapes, he’s just dirty and smells like sewage and had to have a shower. The photo here shows the hole in the ceiling….

ceiling2 …and this one shows the mess that fell below on the floor. So now we have to call a plumber and whoever else to repair not only the leak( my hubby saw a hole in a rotting drain pipe) but also to fix the ceiling hole…..another expense we can’t afford. Something bad ALWAYS happens to us in May every year so I guess this year this is it; the expense of the plumbing and ceiling repair. My hubby thought it was losing his job last month, just a month early but I warned him, no, it wasn’t instead of; it was as well as; that something else was still coming in May…

As well, I saw the gastro doc that removed my colon polyp, for a 6 month follow-up and she said if the ulcer meds don’t heal up my presumed returned ulcer in 2 weeks she’ll do another scope to see what’s going on; if it’s returned or what else’s causing the pain,and she said my polyp was bleeding so much they had to put a clamp on it too when generally they just stitch it,and it puts me at a much higher risk for colon cancer as well so I have to have the colonoscopy re-done every 3 years. I still have that stabbing pain behind my left eye as well with my headache and explosive diarrhrea too that spews out with such explosive force it would rival that volcano in Hawaii. I also had a dream I was dying and my last words were, Look at them! They’re so beautiful! and my mother asked, What? What do you see? and I answered, Sunflowers! There are thousands of them! As far as I can see!

I wonder as well when you die and find yourself on the Other Side  if it’s like when you suddenly and abruptly awake up after an anesthetic after surgery, disoriented and unaware of where you are and are trying to get your bearings and find where you are , what time it is, what’s going on, where you exist in that time, etc. until you hear a reassuring voice, It’s ok, you’re in the hospital. You’re awake now in the recovery room. Your surgery went well  and then you remember where you were and why you were there, and then pain sears thru you and you realize it all, but at first you open up your eyes completely unaware of your surroundings and what’s going on, and how much time has passed.You’re only aware that you exist, but not in what context.

Last night I also woke up in bed during the night and I gazed out my bedroom window I could see at eye-level what appeared to be 2 bright stars, just 2, which is unusual as there’s normally more, and to have them so low, at eye’level from my bed,too, it made it feel like they were there just for me, twinkling, as if God was reassuring and reminding me, I’m here. I love you and care for you and am watching over you. and I just stared at them, mezmerized, in deep thoughtful prayer and contemplation, for what seemed like forever, and then I realized they weren’t really even stars afterall but rather just a light shining off the big tree in front of my window, bouncing off the window pane glass, reflecting in the moonlight, but it looked so convincing, so real, and maybe part of it was all just my imagination, but it was nice either way, whatever it was.It also goes to show how perception is everything and how your perspective can change even though the situation still remains the same.

It happened again a couple of other times during the day as well; I was outside and I thought I saw pussywillows on one of our tree branches, bringing back happy memories of my childhood when I used to pick them and bring them home and put them in a vase, and I haven’t seen them in years but I loved them as a kid, but it turned out at closer inspection it was really actually just unfurled baby leaves that were curled up so tight they looked like it, and from my window in the morning it looked like there were tiny little sunflowers all over the tree at the front which I knew was a hallucination and wasn’t real, for one thing sunflowers don’t grow on trees and it’s not the right season for them(I’m planting them in my garden this year BTW), and I hadn’t had any weed, so it wasn’t that…..it’s just me losing my mind, but it brought back happy memories and made me happy and smile so there’s nothing wrong with it and no harm was done.

I also had another happy childhood memory come back where I was at camp with 3 of my friends and we were spinning around on the big tire swing tied to the big old oak tree,trying to get shade ,relief from the beating down heat of the summer sun, trading our Charlie’s Angels cards, eating ice cream, and discussing the new Carrie movie,and I even remember what I was wearing,too: ponytails, a plaid Holly Hobbie blouse that I had undone the last 1-2 buttons from the bottom and tied up into a knot, the fashion of the day, white terrycloth shorts, knee-high socks,and my striped Adidas running shoes. I was so happy then. I wish I could get it back again. I wish I could be that girl on the swing.I enjoyed life. I wish I could feel like I did that day on the swing. I wish I could get that feeling back again. I miss her. I miss me. I miss living. I miss being happy.

I also saw this one, lone, withered, dried up leaf left on a tree branch where all the other new buds have appeared and are opening up, and it’s barely holding on, just clinging there by a thread, not letting go but almost there, with just a small breeze it will be carried off and be free , flying and floating off, and I feel like that leaf; just barely holding on, desperately clinging, ready to let go, just waiting for a strong breeze to lift me up and carry me away, for my opportunity to arrive, for my time to come when I can finally let go and in a whisper just be released and drift away.

The 15 YR old had a good birthday yesterday and I’m glad.One thing I also miss about the closeness we once shared but that has been lost now is that we both had a shared love of hippos. They were both of our fave. animals and I still love them but she doesn’t. Now she even says she hates them. I realize, of course, that people grow up, they change, and they don’t always like the same things they once did, but this was one of our shared special things, something we bonded over and now it’s gone,too,and it symbolizes a common shared interest that I’m now alone left with, and I feel almost “abandoned”, just like I do  ever since she’s pushed me away. It just broke my heart and was the critical point in breaking me(as well as when she broke herself,too; it just gutted me) and when she withdrew from me,shut me out, and stopped loving me  it caused me to just withdraw from life completely and just drop out and give up. That was the final shove that pushed me completely over the edge. I just love her so much and losing her just tore me apart.I still pray every single day that I get her back…..

 

 

God.

Screen Shot 05-17-17 at 08.29 AM My toxic family always makes fun of my religious beliefs, my faith,and my relationship with God, even though it’s the most important thing in my life. It means everything to me, it guides me, defines me, moulds me, shapes me, strengthens me, reassures me, gives me hope, comforts me, heals me, and is the core of my life, of my very being, of myself.  Praying to God is the first thing I do in the morning as soon as I wake up ( after I go pee, that is) and the last thing at night before I go to sleep, as well as various times throughout the day.I’m always chattering away to Him and I can envision Him doing a face-palm and going, Does this one ever shut up? It is what sustains me. God has given me strength beyond my own capacity, and when I’ve been drained completely empty He has given me strength, endurance, resilience,and ability and even hope when I was all out and when I didn’t have any left myself. When I fall down (which is alot!) He always lifts me back up. He’s there for me when no one else is.He has saved me more times than I can count. I know He will never let me down, leave me, or stop loving me, even when everyone else does.

My faith is God is the cornerstone of my life. I base all my moral dilemmas and life decisions upon it. It guides my moral compass. God has always warned, guided, protected, and provided for me. He loves me even when no one else does. He keeps me safe and gives me direction and peace. When I’m drowning He rescues me, when I’m struggling He pulls me back up again and again.  I even listen to God “speak” to me thru the Holy Spirit by “listening” to that still, small “voice” that impresses a thought, urge, image, dream, message, revelation, feeling, vision, or other “nudge”, hint, or sign of what He wants me to do or where to go according to His plan for my life, or as a sign, or an answer to my prayer,solution to a problem, or to give me a sign of hope or confirmation, and in some cases, even advanced warnings..

My family, of course, doesn’t believe any of this and just thinks I’m nuts. Well, we’re all nuts, but that’s besides the point.  I sincerely believe that God communicates to everyone; all they have to do is listen but sadly most people don’t listen, they don’t pay attention, they aren’t in “tune” to it, they’re on a different frequency, or they brush it off, or dismiss it as “coincidence” or a “fluke”, or perhaps as “good luck”, or “being in the right place at the right time” etc. not recognizing or realizing that it’s actually the Hand Of God at work, communicating with them, and guiding and protecting them.Of course, sometimes God also works thru others as well, and Him sending me Buddy when I was lonely and needed a friend was like an angel sent from Heaven. He always knows exactly what we need when we need it.

God wants us to talk with him. He wants to communicate with you. All you have to do is listen and pay attention and see it for what it really is.

Thought for the day:Death isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning.

When I Die.

Screen Shot 05-15-17 at 03.31 PM The first thing I woke up to was hearing on the radio that one of the DJ’s 15 YR old son died in a tragic accident at a park, and then my toothbrush fell in the toilet.That’s how I started my day. I was also surprised to see that Bev’s (G.P) house had a sold sign on it…..already….she just died a little while ago and there was never any For Sale sign on it before…..wow…that was fast….and it got me thinking when I die, what I want, my last wishes, I want my family to carry out for me, and so here they are:

  • I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered on the beach in the Caribbean where I was happy, and besides, no one will even bother to come visit my grave,anyway.
  • Catholic funeral Mass.
  • Sunflowers and lilacs at my funeral.
  • Funeral songs: Ave Maria, Hallelujah,Amazing Grace, and Ride, Natty, Ride
  • Take good care of Buddy.
  • Continue homeschooling and going to church.
  • Make sure the 10 YR old gets Confirmed when the time is right.
  • Donate $$$$ to the Turgwe Hippo Trust

I also over-heard my hubby telling the 14 and 15 YR olds (I was wearing headphones listening to music in the car and he didn’t think I could hear him,and usually I can’t as the music is loud, but when the song is soft I can hear) that I’m probably slowly poisoning myself and setting everything up so that when they do the autopsy they’ll blame him and he’ll get charged with my murder!WTF? I’m not, and this only reinforces my suspicion that he really is trying to poison me and get away with it; that’s going to be his defense and his alibi!  I just hope the bastard doesn’t get away with it……I can’t believe it! Holy shit!!

Screen Shot 05-16-17 at 01.15 PM Here’s also my newest hippo: a hippo on wheels,and here he is on the road! I named him Wheely, Hot Wheels,. and Mr. Wheeler(I actually had a teacher in grade 5 named Mr. Wheeler) He’s just so cute I couldn’t resist. My mother also insisted that I said bedroom when I meant to say, thought I said, and was sure I said backyard, and I’ve been confused , foggy,and out of it for a week now, and I wonder as well if maybe my potassium might be low again from my diuretic like it was before, or some other medical cause, or it could just be due to the tremendous stress I’m under, and so much so my family mentioned about Patti visiting last week and I don’t even remember it at all, and I thought they were playing their usual mind-games with me and trying to trick me but I asked her and she confirmed it; she was over for a visit, but it was a Weed Day and also the day after I tried to kill myself so the opiates would have still been in my system and I must have been really out of it…..I can just vaguely recall what I thought was a dream that Patti was over and said something about a bus…..but that’s it…..I didn’t know it was real; it’s like waking in and out of anesthesia…God, I’m losing it….

The kids and my hubby also laugh at my faith and mock my relationship with God and the 14 and 15 YR olds make fun of me liking hippos and sunflowers too and jeer I’m “obsessed” with them and “have a ‘crush'” on them, etc. and always make fun of me just because I like something; apparantly I’m not even allowed to have any interests, or at least not without being made fun of yet whenever I say anything about the way they treat me or voice any displeasure, disapproval or mention it in any way the 15 YR old always accuses me of “causing drama”, so I can’t stand up for myself , defend myself, or explain myself, either. My family sucks.I’m so tired of all their shit.

The Little Dachshund.

Screen Shot 05-05-17 at 10.15 AM 001 When we got back from the hospital from visiting the 13 YR old I saw this on our outside windowsill on the veranda near the mailbox: a little Dachshund figurine…..but I have no idea where it came from or who left it there! It’s a mystery! Who left it there? Who gave it to us? I assume it must be one of the neighbours, but who,and why? It’s the sweetest little thing and a nice and kind thing to do but it’s a real mystery why and where it came from. My guess is maybe G.P. who died last night; another neighbour came over today and told me the news so perhaps she’d had someone give it to us saying, Give this to the lady with the Dachshund. I’m surprised if so though as I don’t really know her that well, she just always sees me going by as I’m walking Buddy and I wave at her and say hello but that’s it… I wonder if I’ll ever find out?

As well, we’re getting 70 mm more rain and it’s supposed to rain for the next 3 days and there’s flooding everywhere, and the other day after my weed I was looking at my new sunflower painting I bought and it “morphed” right before my very eyes and started taunting me heckling, I’m not really a sunflower, you know; I’m a marigold! You got the wrong painting! and it really freaked me out! Today is also the 15 YR old’s cheerleading competition in Toronto and also the 22 YR old’s jiu-jitsu competition, also in Toronto.

We also visited the 13 YR old and they gave her a day pass so we took her out to eat and to the bookstore. They went to Five Guys though and all they have is burgers and fries( gross) not even any chicken burgers so there was nothing for me to eat (so I just got a drink) and I was starving and my hubby wouldn’t bother to take me anywhere else to get food, not even just thru a drive-thru, and the 13 YR old had blood work done as well but everything came back as zero; zero potassium, zero hemoglobin, zero platelets…..which obviously is wrong, otherwise she’d be dead, so they had to do it again and re-do the tests and it all came back normal, and the nurse told us she’s very “guarded” and private as well and won’t open up and she told them she’s no longer suicidal but I don’t really believe it; I think she’s just telling them what they want to hear so they’ll let her out, and I hope that they’re smart enough not to fall for it,and I worry once she returns home, even though we’ve locked up all the medications and sharp things if she’s really determined to kill herself there are other ways and she’ll find a way and that just scares the hell out of me……

The Poor Widow.

Screen Shot 04-15-17 at 08.24 AM 002 The other day I saw this old woman in church sitting ahead of me drop a few coins into the Offering ( collection basket) and I smiled as it reminded me of the Parable in the Bible that Jesus told of the poor widow and the coins, how even though it was only a few mere coins that the poor widow gave in tithing it was actually more generous and meant more than the abundance that the rich people give in all their wealth as they can afford to do it and have excess money  and won’t miss it and can spare it, whereas with her it’s more of a sacrifice as it’s all she has, and even though 10% tithing from a rich person brings in more, 10% from a poor person is more of a sacrifice as they have less to give…..so what they do give means so much more….

…..and then it got me thinking: then why is it any different for me? I always feel so badly about how little I can afford to tithe; even though I do contribute my 10% it only ends up being a measley 5$ a week and the kids always shame me,too, taunting how “cheap” I am, but I only get a small amount, and the rest goes to pay towards groceries and in the end I only end up with 20$ a month  to keep for myself for all my own personal needs(such as shampoo, deoderant, tampons, hair dye, suntan oil, etc) which doesn’t go very far or buy too much, so the church ends up getting the same amount I do, but it makes me feel so ashamed for being poor, esp. when I see other people putting in 20$ or even more a week, and it makes me feel so cheap, yet when I saw the old woman and her coins and remembered that parable…I am giving all I have, all I can afford to give and I used to give 10$ a week but that was before the gov’t my $$$ got cut in half….so now I have half as much….so I had to cut back as now the 10% also ends up being half as much and we’re really struggling financially, yet I still give what I can, yet feel badly it’s so little, so paltry, until it suddenly “clicked” and I realized I am also the Poor Widow. God understands if you give all you have, if you give from the heart , and that you can still  be  faithful, obedient, and generous with tithing without being wealthy, and God has a special love for the poor.

As well, I heard on the radio April the giraffe finally had her baby,too, a male calf, and I gave up watching a long time ago as I was convinced after it was taking so long ( a whole month!) that it must be a hoax, but when I heard I watched a re-cap video of the birth and the baby is just sooooo cute! He’s got this long skinny neck and he was twitching his little ears like hippos do and I just love,and when he was first trying to stand up and walk on those long wobbly legs it reminded me of myself trying to walk in high-heel shoes, and now my mother’s most-used saying, said in exhasperation and with a loud sigh, is Lord, give me patience! It’s become almost like a mantra for her lately!

I saw the nice Scottish lady too (not the Rich Lady, but another one, the neighbour at the corner) when I was walking Buddy and I told her I was sorry to hear about her husband ( who died last week) and she goes, Thank ye, thank ye!  and the poor woman just look so sad, so sorrowful, so grieved, you could tell it’s been a hard week on her, painfully etched in her face, and that the grief’s really hitting her hard and it looks in her face like she’s really aged, too; she’s at least 20 YRS younger than he was but with her grief she suddenly looks much older now and it’s just so sad; she must have really loved him. I wish I had a love like that,too, where you find your true love and soul-mate and you can grow old together, but I don’t have anything to offer(not looks or intelligence) anyone except love, and they’d still have to look past the physical and my limitations first  before they’d find it…..never going to happen….

I also had a “revelation” that I am going to Heaven, but I’m not to die until it’s my time and not before God calls me back Home  and not before I’ve completed what He sent me here to do….but what is that? I have no idea what my purpose in life is or what “mission” I have to accomplish first before I die; I used to think it was being a mother but that obviously didn’t turn out so well….I wonder what it is?

My Aunt.

Screen Shot 03-26-17 at 08.02 AM I was doing a Google search for some hippo images and for some reason this picture showed up, of decorative antique glass shoes and I got this flashback of a long-forgotten memory and I was instantly transported back to my childhood: it reminded me of my fave. aunt as she had a collection of these exact same things(as well as the cranberry glass collection, which I also collect, among other things) and so many happy childhood memories just came flooding back. It’s amazing how one picture can spark a memory and remind you of so much and bring up such warm feelings.

My mother and I used to visit my aunt and cousins twice a YR when I was younger; during the summer and at Christmas. We lived in Toronto and they lived in North York but when you take transit to get there it was quite a long trip. She was my fave. aunt and I always enjoyed visiting them and I can still clearly remember every single detail of their house. We even lived with them for awhile when my parents first split up.I remember it was her that first introduced me to yogurt, buttermilk and cottage cheese, and who taught me to  rub  cucumber slices on my face, and I have fond memories of climbing the tree in their front yard with my cousin and going to the corner store with her, and of her older sister putting pearly pink nail polish on me and how fascinated I was watching her putting on her make-up( she looked like a model) and the time she took me to the Yorkdale mall near their house and bought me a baton. The last time I saw them I was 13 and we just sort of lost touch, for some unknown reason they just stopped all contact with us, and I never did find out why, and I even sent them letters but never got any reply. I still really miss them and wonder how they’ve been over all the YRS.

As well, I said this prayer to God to let me know if I’m going to die soon to send me a sign: that I’ll hear Stairway To Heaven 3 days in a row, and not only did I hear it 3 days in a row…..I heard it 4 days in a row ( twice on the radio and twice randomly on my iPod) and my mother says because it was 4 days and not 3 that it “cancels” it out, but I take it to mean that it’s extra reassurance affirmingwill die soon, just in case it wasn’t clear the first time, but time will tell, and we’ll see…She also threatened to kick Buddy when he tried to sneak down to the basement and I told her if she kicks him I’ll kick her and then she huffs she’ll kick me back and I told her then I’ll kick her again; she’s not abusing my dog! She goes, “How else do you get him to behave?” and I told her, “You just tell him off; he knows when he’s bad,you don’t kick him!” She’s just so mean!!

I also had this intense dream that I was an angel in Heaven and that I came down to Earth to live a miserable, unhappy life full of challenges, trauma, crisis, trials, and misfortune to test my faith and loyalty to God and my bad luck and struggles aren’t a punishment but ,like the man in the Bible born blind, so that God’s works can be revealed, and I have to prove I can still stay loyal to God and my faith despite a life of adversity and return Home, and that’s why I’ve always been so spiritual, had a strong faith and love of God, fervently prayed for others, and sense of justice, peace,and non-violence, and also why I’ve never had love, gotten too close to anyone for too long, and am distant from my family; I’m not to have strong Earthly connections so I won’t feel like I’m leaving anything behind when I go back Home. It was very insightful and interesting! Wouldn’t it be amazing though it that really was my purpose and meaning in life?

Remember Me.

screen-shot-11-28-16-at-07-28-pm I put this up on my Facebook a few days ago just out of curiousity to see what people would remember most about me when I’m gone…..but nothing, absolutely nothing, no one even left any replies at all! So does that mean that I won’t even be missed and that I’m not  memorable, or that they don’t have anything nice to say so they didn’t say anything at all?  I wonder though, when I do die, what will people remember about me? That I was fat and ugly? That I was crazy and weird? That I’m the lady with the weiner dog? The one that loves hippos? Or the one with all the kids? Or the one that lives in the house at the corner? Or I’d hope, something more substantial, such as that I homeschooled my kids, or that everything I did has always been for the kids , even sacrificing $$$$$  rather than exposing and endangering our homeschooling, and leaving our lives behind and living on the run to protect our family and keep them safe, and that the kids would choose to remember me the way I was, the way I used to be before, before I was broken and damaged by all the traumas in my life, and that they’d remember what I used to be like when they were younger, when I used to be happy and when I used to do things. Before I fall apart.

screen-shot-11-30-16-at-06-37-pm. There’s nothing attractive about me in any way,and I’m not smart, I’ll never make a difference, and I have nothing to offer anyone  or contribute in any way, I just sort of exist but I’d hope they will remember that I gave everything for my family and that I had a strong faith and love of God. I had a dream last night as well that once this life ends another one in Heaven begins and that it’s the one that I wish I had before, my chance to re-do and start over,  the life I never got to have now, and last night I was debating if I should eat the butter chicken I had or if I should save it for later,too, and I decided “What if today is my last day alive?” What if I don’t have another chance or another day to enjoy it, so I decided to eat it, and that way I won’t miss out, and even if I do die at least I’ll die with a happy stomach!

As well with the threat in my life that’s returned from the past each day that passes really just feels like I’m “buying” time and just being given extra time until the inevitable which will eventually come,and that it’s merely a catalyst, leading to my suicide, like it’s meant I die that way and it’s merely the  catalyst that’s pushing me in that direction, like that’s how it’s meant to play out, afterall, why else would God allow it again after 13 YRS of living in peace and anonymity, and once I’m gone my family will be safe and they’ll leave them alone. I don’t really see that I have any other option or any other way out to put an end to it for good, once and for all, to make sure, and I don’t have the strength to fight it or endure living thru that nightmare again. I have nothing left.

Last night I also remember waking up biting my tongue and I remember the neurologist asking me during that seizure I had if I bit my tongue and I didn’t….until now,and he also said if the seizures are subtle or “hidden” I may just be having them when I’m asleep and  that’s why they’ve gone unnoticed…..so now I’m really beginning to wonder…..hmmmmm….

 

Her.

screen-shot-09-05-16-at-12-09-pm

I wish I could be her again.

The way I used to be before.

Before my life damaged me.

Before all the traumas and brokenness.

When I used to know how to smile

When I still knew how to laugh.

I wish I was able to be her

and for it to be okay.

I need permission to be able to be her and to love her.

I need the Old Me back again.

She used to be happy once.

I used to be her.

I have to go and get her and bring her back.

 

As well, my ulcer is back again, due to the undue, constant, and high-level of  acute stress in my life right now, and I have daily stomach pain for the past week-and-a-half now but luckily still have some of the ulcer pills left over from before, and in my life it also feels like things are  coming to a natural end  as well, coming to a close, and wrapping up, as if death is approaching, and I want the kids to remember me  the way I was before,too, when they were younger, before  all the traumas broke  and damaged me. I’d hope they’d remember that I was happy once.

“I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah….”

From Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”.

She Died.

Screen Shot 08-27-16 at 03.29 PM My cousin with cancer( seen here) has died. They had given her 6 months and she died just 3 months after she was diagnosed. At least the good of it is she didn’t suffer for long and now she’s at peace. She died just 2 days before her birthday,too; she would have turned 69. So now instead of celebrating her birthday here she’ll be celebrating it somewhere else and I pray for her soul, that she’s in Heaven, although she wasn’t a religious person, but we’re not to speculate, it’s up to God to judge, not us. I only met her once and I didn’t really like her as I found her to be brash and loud-mouthed, too much like my aunt(she even looks exactly like her,too!) My aunt’s brother( my uncle) was her father. I wonder if she can see me now and hear me wherever she is?

It would be nice if I could go over there for the funeral too as I’d love to go back to Europe again; it’s been YRS since I’ve been there and it would nice to visit my cousins. It would also be nice to get a break away from my family here, a vacation, but I can’t afford the airfare, yet part of me just screams, “Oh, f*ck it! Charge it on your credit card and just  go!” but then the logical , responsible part of me nixes the idea and goes, “What were you  thinking?” Aw, shit….

Screen Shot 08-28-16 at 04.14 PM This picture of me was also taken when I had make-up on and was all dressed up nice for church…..but still ugly. No matter what I do or how hard I try I’m still always ugly. Ugly runs on  both sides of my family so I really had no chance right from the beginning. My mouth always looks like it’s been put on crooked,too. What the hell is up with that, anyway? We got a guest priest from Africa in church yesterday,too, and for church I believe in dressing in your Sunday best; if you were to have lunch with the Queen you’d dress all nice and fancy so doesn’t our Lord deserve your best too when you visit His House?

The 15 YR old called me an “old redneck” too even though it’s my hubby that’s the redneck, not me; I don’t even like  sports, country music, pool, darts, wrestling, UFC, NASCAR, beer,Monster trucks,BINGO, etc. like rednecks do. I just don’t get why they’re always hassling,insulting, and berating me.I’m just so sick of this family. My hubby also said he hopes Buddy gets run over by a car so I told him to go play in traffic himself, and when I was walking Buddy a young guy talked to me as well(and said to Buddy, “Are you enjoying your walk with Mom?”) and he was just being friendly, it’s not like he was flirting or anything, but it still  felt good having someone being nice to me and it really made my day. It put a spring in my step and elevated my mood and gave me a boost. I’m not used to people being kind and it was nice.