Pogue On Pinterest.

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I am on Pinterest where you basically have various boards where you collect “pins” of different things you like, such as hobbies,interests, favourites, styles, your wish list, etc, just stuff that you like; stuff that makes you, well….you. I have 8 boards: Hippos, Sunflowers, Hairstyles, Hunks, Chihuahuas, Dachshunds, Bob Marley, and My Wish List. Here I put a sample partial page of each. This one is various Hairstyles I love and so far it has 129 pins.

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My Hippos board has 1170 pins, my biggest yet.

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My Wish List ( a list of things I like and wish I had if I could afford it) has 113.

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Dachshunds  has 397.

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Chihuahuas has 250.

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Hunks (guys I think are hot) has 106.

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Bob Marley has 656 (my second-largest collection)

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Sunflowers has 244.

 

As well, one of my cousins in Europe said that she was feeling lost and struggling and wasn’t sure what was more important, money or happiness, and I told her I think that the most important things in life are love and happiness; that you do need money but that there are alot of incredibly wealthy people that are completely miserable, think of the rich and famous that commit suicide, for example. I was really worried and asked her if she was ok but she said she was just pissed-off at work(she works for a charity). I got concerned though, talking like that. One should esp. not say things like that to someone like me who suffers thru depression and being suicidal because words like that are very powerful and someone like me thinks the worst and worries that she was teetering on the edge, esp. given the genetic factor in our family!

 

 

The Wrong Tree.

Screenshot_1183  I was outside and I saw 2 squirrels sitting in a tree, a black squirrel and a grey one and the grey one I didn’t even notice at first as he almost blended in completely with the tree; he was camoflauged, but the black squirrel stuck out and was really noticable and I remember saying to myself how he doesn’t blend in…. and then I thought about it for a minute and then re-phrased it, He’s just in the wrong tree.It’s not that he doesn’t blend in. In the right tree he’d blend in. If the tree had dark brown bark instead of grey-ish he would have been hidden. It got me thinking: it all depends on how you look at it,and it also reminded me that I’m like that squirrel in life.(and my tree would be a rose-gold glittery palm tree.)

I have never blended in, been the same as other people,don’t fit in, and have always stood out, been different, been an outcast, the odd one out, the one that doesn’t belong, the one that doesn’t blend in and I always thought it was me but maybe there’s nothing wrong with me( other than the obvious, that is) maybe I’m just in the wrong tree? I just have to find the right people, the right group, my Clan, my Tribe, my People, my fit, my niche, my Home, my team, my squad, my comrades, my place where they’re the same as me and we can all relate….like how I did at the YMCA group in Ottawa in the late 80’s, the only time I ever felt accepted, welcomed, part of the group, fit in, liked, and belonged. I found it once, maybe I can find it again? I just have to find other fellow-minded people that are also shiny, glittery, off-beat,crazy-ass,free spirit, sunflower, hippo people like me….

Screenshot_1185 My cut sunflowers have also opened up, and I was outside with Buddy and heard a gunshot so we came inside and Buddy just bolted up and ran in like a bat out of hell, and I knew it was a gunshot too and not fireworks as there was just the one bang! and no echo, unlike fireworks which always come with an echo, more like a boom! boom! My hubby in cleaning and packing up prepping to move is also throwing out lots of stuff, incl. other people’s things and he doesn’t even look and check or ask to see if they even want it thrown out or if they want to keep it; he just chucks it out,and I’ve rescued a few things from the garbage and I tell him not everything has to be thrown out and we are allowed to keep some things,and he kept tossing out the Shel Silverstein books I love too and I had to keep fishing them out for garbage and I finally just ended up hiding them. Books should never be thrown out( or burned) though but always kept or donated so that someone will always be able to love and enjoy them.

Screenshot_1186 This is also my sad pathetic, wilted and last sunflower, on it’s last legs yet I still won’t give up on it. I’m determined to “resurrect” it and have it perk up. I still faithfully keep watering it and every day I go outside I bring it out with me and sit it in the sun and then bring it back inside later in the day so the squirrels and raccoons won’t ruin it. I keep putting hope, love, time, and effort into it hoping eventually it will pay off and I’ll eventually get a nice sunflower in the end, despite all the set- backs. It reminds me of me and my life. I could be that sunflower: despite all the set-backs,hardships, teetering on the edge. losing hope, trials and barely holding on, some days it looks like it’s starting to perk up and other days it’s almost dead, and even on days it’s looking particularly haggard , wilted,and weary it still holds on, endures, survives,and lives on, and with hope and care, maybe it can make it one day? Just like me. We just need time,love,care,hope, and the right conditions to blossom.  Sometimes though, despite our best efforts trying to hold on, the outside environment is just too hostile and we can’t withstand the storm or survive the elements and we wither away and die.

I also notice as well that I’m increasingly having trouble distinguishing between reality and imagination/ fantasy and being able to tell if something’s real or not or if I just imagined it, dreamed it, or if it was a hallucination, and my hallucinations are increasing in frequency as as well, both visual and auditory, and the paranoia is getting worse as well, as well as increasing anxiety and it’s hard struggling when you can’t even trust your own mind and you can feel yourself losing your grip on reality and spiraling down the slippery slope of insanity being lost in the haze of mental illness, feeling it carrying you off, helpless to escape it and I don’t know if it’s due to my white matter deterioration or just my Asperger’s, bipolar,and depression, or maybe some of each?

Both my mother and I have such bad memories and are so forgetful as well we’re like a TV comedy sitcom about senile old folks. I hadn’t remembered if she’d put the suntan oil on my back or not( I can’t reach back there myself and need a hand) so I asked her if she did it yet or not and she didn’t remember either and goes, I must have done it…..don’t you remember? and then I told her, I don’t remember….and if you did do it, don’t you remember doing it? and she said she didn’t remember,either, and then I reasoned, Well, is my back all shiny? If it is, then the oil’s been put on, so she looked and said it was,and the tanning oil had been put back in the cupboard, so I guess she did. We have days like this, moments like this, and conversations like this all the time. I think I’m losing my mind.

The Laugh.

Screenshot_1031 I haven’t had a good laugh for a long, long time, and so long I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so I prayed to God and asked Him to send me something that will really make me laugh and as always He delivered: I was watching the TV news and one of the reporters showed us these photos he’d doctored super-imposing his face on top of other people’s faces, making for funny photos, such as him at the Trump-Putin summit, him with Trump and the Queen, him horseback riding with Giselle Bundchen ,etc. it was really funny and I laughed so hard I laughed out loud, exactly the kind of thing I needed and was looking for. It never fails to amaze me how God cares so much for each and every one of us, that even the smallest,most insignificant things still matter to God if they are important to us and if we ask for them; all we have to do is ask. If it matters to us, it matters to God.

As well, the 11 YR old’s such a genius he’s memorized 35 digits of Pi (all I know is the 3.14) and he’s skipped several grades in school for years now and will be starting grade 9 (that’s highschool!) when school resumes in the fall! The pool guy was back again (he was here 4 hours) as well and seemed to have finally found the main leak: he dug a second hole underground and said that when the other pool guys either opened or closed the pool for the season when they took the “jet” out they punctured the wall and one of the lines somehow, his guess would be with a screwdriver or something trying to force it out, and so he fixed it, costing 350$ which is still way better than 950$.

So now we can run it and add the chemicals…..and hope it clears up and that we get to use it at least for the second-half of summer as we haven’t been able to so far and it’s been so HOT this month I would have been swimming every day! Today, for instance, with the humidity( feels 40 C) we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning, but hopefully at least it will cool it down. Both my mother and hubby say they won’t even be opening the pool next year if we’re still here but they always say that every year….they say it’s a waste of $$$$ just because they don’t swim and they don’t use it and it’s mainly me that does and as we all know anything for me isn’t worth it.

I wonder as well if maybe my pain might be a kidney infection or UTI as even though it started in the abdomen it’s now really bad in the lower back, both sides,and now I also noticed that my pee is really cloudy and foamy, signs of infection, and it has this really strong pungent odour that stinks like cat piss. Every now and then I still get the odd twinge shoot thru my abdomen as well but the worst now is my back.It’s always something; I don’t think I’m ever really pain-free.

Screenshot_1032 Also this because sunflowers make me happy.

Our House.

OurHouse This is our house. How much do you think we could get for it if we sell it? I had a dream last night that someone said to my mother and I, You won’t have to move as neither of us really want to but with my hubby’s new job near Toronto we sort of have to even though all the houses anywhere close to there cost 100K or more than the most we’d get selling our place, or at least according to what the realestate agent told us. My hubby also now says when we move we’ll sell the piano and get rid of the Italian leather couches in the rec-room as well even though I love  them; the piano is a restored antique and even though the one that plays it has moved out and doesn’t live here anymore it’s still a beautiful piece of furniture and the cherry wood compliments the rest of our livingroom and diningroom decor, and as for the leather couches, they are made of  fine Italian leather, and, in fact, we even had them special ordered from Italy(this was back in Ottawa when we used to have $$$) and even had to wait months to have them made and delivered and they cost 3000$ each, I don’t want to get rid of them!

Why is he trying to get rid of everything love? What next? Is he going to get rid of the Grandfather clock,too? It’s all we have left now as a reminder from our former days of $$$$ and we’ll never be able to afford things like that ever again. It’s bad enough we have to move,and now he’s also trying to get rid of all the stuff I like,too? This whole thing is just giving me so much worry , stress, and anxiety I was awake until late at night, have a hard time sleeping and my nails are nibbled right down to the cuticle practically. I’m a nervous wreck!Like with everything else though, I surrender it to God and ask Him to guide us to what’s best so that things all work out.

My biggest worry about moving is if he has to take out a mortgage as it is now our house is fully paid for, no mortgage, as it has been for years, so it makes no sense to go back to paying a monthly mortgage again and what if he can’t keep up the payments(I honestly don’t know where he’s going to find an extra 1500$ or so every month to pay it; everything is already spent as it is on bills and food) and we lose the house? We already have it now and it’s already all fully paid for, so why would we take that risk and possibly risk losing what we already have now for something that costs more than we can afford? It just doesn’t make any sense to me, it really doesn’t. Maybe this is God’s way of saying we should just appreciate what we have now( we did used to have $$$$ before but we don’t now) and be grateful and not try for something out of our price range, in an area we can’t afford, and live beyond our means? Perhaps God is trying to humble us?

Maybe we’re just meant to stay in this house,in this area we can afford, that this is the home God has chosen for us and we’re not supposed to leave, and both my mother and I had always thought when we’d moved here that this was going to be our last and final house, at long last, after moving in some 13 different places, and that this would be the house we would die in. We were like Gypsies before, never staying too long in one place, the average of 4-5 years and then moving on somewhere else, to another residence,esp. in Toronto, but now we’re older and we want to lay down roots and stay settled. Moving is such a stressful undertaking and hassle and we’ve had enough of it. We thought we’d never be moving again.

At least after 3 weeks my mother finally seems to be doing better and getting back to her old self, and she even did a load of laundry and was even up in her room cleaning out her closet, and she’s started eating again,too,so more and more I’m thinking that I was right; her pain was all just psychological and everything was all stemming from depression and whatever the doctor said to her must have helped because she seems better now and she did mention to me how he reminded her that for her age her health is actually quite good; her heart, lungs,and mind are healthy; it’s just her diabetes and cholesteral, and she doesn’t need a walker, oxygen, home-care,doesn’t have cancer,not bed-ridden,in the hospital,in a nursing home, etc. like alot of people her age do, so maybe she was just down on getting old and then realized she’s really not so bad off considering her age? (She turns 77 next month.)

The 15 YR old couldn’t find her pants the other day either and complained no one ever does any laundry around here even though I just did put a load in and told her, I just put a load in at 8 am! (and it was just 10 am at the time!) and what she was looking for was in the dryer and not ready yet and she was so mad and stomped off, and  the dishes finally got done,too, after 3 days of me telling the kids to wash them! No matter what I do, it’s never enough and they just don’t listen. This parenting thing really sucks!

The Pills.

Screen Shot 01-22-18 at 08.43 AM Well, another attempt, another failure, because that’s apparantly all I’m good at and all I can do: fail at everything. You won’t be too surprised to learn that I attempted suicide again, with the full intention of it working, even taking Zofran before( to prevent me from barfing and thus so I don’t barf up the pills) along with 14 morphine pills and 10 Oxycodone pills left over from surgeries as well as my usual meds and I thought for sure this has to work this time… it was all the pills I had left so it had to work,and so I lay down in bed, with Buddy snuggled up beside me, all cozy under my covers, listening to music, saying my prayers, quietly conversing with God, just waiting to die, waiting for the pills to take effect and I just peacefully drift off to sleep and lapse into  unconsciousness and then “wake” up in Heaven…. and so I waited….and waited…and waited… one hour went by….then 2 hours….still nothing; I just felt really dizzy like the room was spinning… but that was it! Nothing else….until I eventually just fell asleep…..and then really angry and disappointed when I woke up in the morning. That was not supposed to happen.

Screen Shot 01-22-18 at 06.50 PM I was supposed to be dead. I was supposed to be in Heaven. I was supposed to be free. I was supposed to soar.I was supposed to be at peace. I was supposed to find happiness and be surrounded by love. I was never supposed to be or feel unlovable, worthless, a failure, ugly, useless, not good enough, stupid, bullied, hated, sorrowful, lonely, longing for love, beaten down by stress, brokenness, etc. ever again. It was supposed to all be over. It was supposed to end. Except it didn’t and I’m still here. It must be like the priest says, it’s not God’s will that I die now; it’s not my time yet, esp. considering the 6 or so  serious suicide attempts I’ve made yet none of them have ever worked, so does that mean that God still has other plans for me and my life? That amount of opiods should have killed me by all calculations yet it didn’t. Yet again. Why not? Maybe I just have a really high tolerance for drugs and it takes an extraordinary amount to kill me?Or am I simply not meant to die yet?

The only thing is all during the night and the next day I was incredibly itchy, the all-over body itch, the kind that comes from the inside-out, like I had before with my liver failure; everything was itchy, my head, my face, even my hair, my ears, my chest, my arms and legs, it was brutal, plus really bad pain in my stomach area as well, where the liver is located, although the itchiness could also be a reaction to the pills as I remember as well when I was in the hospital before after surgeries and they gave me morphine or codeine the next day I was really itchy all over, how I reacted to it. My hubby also said I looked really stoned and thought it was my weed (I was also staggering around unco-ordinated and out of focus)when in fact, it was just the left-over side-effects of my yet another suicide attempt. How many times do I have to keep trying before it finally works?

I fully intended to die, was hoping I would,and was even really excited for it, but nothing happened. That’s the story of my life. I look forward to something, I try hard, but no results. I always fail. I’m such a failure at life I can’t even kill myself properly. I would have been doing my family a favour too by dying as they’ll love to be rid of me and they’ll be better off without me,anyway and won’t miss me, care, or even notice, and I don’t have a productive, meaningful, worthwhile, or happy life anyway; there’s really no point. I basically just wait around  waiting to die and when it’s taking too long I try and take matters into my own hands and “hurry” it along….but it never works. I just want out. I’m so desperate and despondant and have to get away from my toxic family but I have no $$$ and nowhere to go (my hubby says I can be homeless and live on the street but that’s not safe or an option) and dying seems to be the only way out…

F*ck.

Happy Daze.

Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 07.09 PM This makes me happy. Sunflowers always put a smile on my face and I was sad to see that the house on the way to church that always has the sunflowers every year is now empty with a Dumpster in the driveway so the people are gone and there won’t be any more sunflowers anymore for me to enjoy. My beauty’s been taken away. The 14 year old gleefully laughed and said it’s “karma” because she’s mean that way and likes to see me upset. That’s just how my family is; they’re toxic and delight in my misery, unhappiness,and suffering. Between the way they emotionally abuse and bully me, all my medical issues, having no love or support, and struggling financially, along with the brokenness and damage from a life filled with abuse, trauma, rejection, bullying, misery, tragedy, suffering, pain,and always feeling unloved, unworthy, worthless, and a failure with no hope for it ever getting any better or any way of escape I just can’t take it anymore or keep doing this.I just want out. I don’t feel like I’m giving up, but rather I know when I’ve had enough and I know when it’s time to let go.

I went to Confession yesterday and the priest was sympathetic and kind, and showed more care and compassion for me than my own family ever has. He said that suicidal feelings aren’t a sin and it’s understandable considering my situation where I feel frustrated and trapped and he said he wished there was more he could do for me so I asked him to pray for me and he said that he would. Yesterday was particularly bad as well as it pretty much summed up how toxic and shitty my family really is and how truly sick it really is how they seem to get “off” in tormenting and mocking me.

My hubby refuses to call Buddy by his name and only ever refers to him and addresses him as Dog and I just don’t get it and when I asked him to explain it to me he outright refused and stubbornly just stood there, glaring at me, and smirked, It’s on a need-to-know basis and you don’t need to know. What the f*ck? My mother also tried to kick him because he got into the garbage and was, well, just acting like a dog, and she said he’s a “nuisance” and just to be mean when she walked by she purposely stepped on his fave. toy causing it to emit a pitiful wail, just to upset him,and even threatened to leave the door open one day so that he’ll run away! She just doesn’t like him because he doesn’t like the 10 YR old (who she coddles and is obsessed with!) and that’s only because he constantly teases,aggravates,and provokes him, and I also added, You don’t like him either because you don’t like it that someone actually loves me and she said, I don’t care if anyone loves you; I don’t like it that he only loves you and not anyone else! but in actual fact he likes everyone except her and the 10 YR old because they’re mean to him!

Someone also sabotaged my iPod (usually it’s my computer) by putting a Hitler anthem on it and I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I spent over 25 minutes trying to figure it out and I couldn’t and I asked my hubby, the 14 and 16 YR olds to help me but they wouldn’t and the girls kept making fun of me for it,too, and the 16 YR old mocked saying, I’m autistic! I can only do one thing! and they laughed and said I can’t do it because of my weed when in actual fact it’s because I’m stupid and old and I just don’t get all that technology stuff. My hubby eventually did do it and it just took him a couple of seconds to figure it out. I hate myself for being so dumb and I hate my family for always making fun of me and making me feel like shit.

So, I try to think of and remember happy days, happy times, happy moments in my life, and happy memories, which include friends, visiting relatives, travelling, my dogs I loved, the YMCA group, camp, my happy childhood, living in the city, playing Barbies and collecting Barbie stickers for our sticker books with my friend N in grade 6, skating and hanging out at the park and the French fry joint with D in grade 7 and 8, that time my BFF S and I in grade 7 walked our dogs and went to the store and bought huge tubs each of chocolate mint ice cream and rested under a tree as it was really hot and her ice cream melted and the lid popped off and it fell over onto the grass and had grass stuck to it and it was just so hilariously funny we kept cracking up, the time J and her mother and brother were with us on our veranda on a May weekend in grade 8 and it was just so perfect, and we felt like family and I felt like I belonged, and the time I went on a picnic and swimming in Highland Creek with I and her family, the time in grade 10 my friends A, A, and R and I climbed out the classroom window and sat out on the roof on a nice spring day and had our lunch, when H brought me back an orange piggy bank from her trip when I was 4-5, the multi-colour velvet pillow my fave. sitter Mrs. A made me for Christmas and the best Mac& cheese ever that she made home-made for my lunches,(and most of my sitters were either drunk or abusive so this really meant alot), shopping at the Beverly Center in L.A when I was 16 and 17 when we went on trips there and moved there, riding horses bareback as a kid galloping thru the field, feeling so free, being on the beach in the Caribbean, etc… these are the things I try to remember and hold on to to cheer my heart….I only wish that I could forget about the rest, all of the traumatic, hurtful, painful memories that keep tearing me down. I just want to be happy again but I don’t see any hope things will ever get any better or that I’ll ever have the opportunity to escape this toxic environment that’s destroyed my soul. My spirit has died.

Validation…Then Blame.

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 03.05 PM First of all at the clinic it went well: the 14 YR old’s back to putting weight on again ( and over her temporary setback it would seem) instead of losing it, and the NP said that the medication is helping and she even increased the dose from 10 mg up to 20 mg, admitting that  I was right all along! I knew she needed the anti-depressant! She can tell she’s starting to feel better as well, and she’s more bubbly now,too, and more “playful”.

Now the bad part, the same as the past 3 weeks….. the new social worker said once again during the family therapy session how I’m not able to bond with my kids, have “attachment issues”am “avoidant”, the kids don’t “feel secure”, insinuating I’m a bad mother, neglectful, and blaming me for the 14 YR old’s eating disorder, etc, that I didn’t bond or “attach” well with her as a baby,etc…. which is a load of shit, esp. since I was the closest to her of all the kids when she was younger, and I swear, as God is my witness, I’ve been an excellent mother to her, and loved her more than anything and was the closest to her….yet it still wasn’t enough…..she still ended up messed-up and they still blame me and say it’s my fault anyway? I just can’t “win” either way, no matter what I do. (I think it’s likely genetic and she simply inherited mental illness.)

Then the therapist has the nerve to ask me why I’m “defensive” (which I didn’t even realize that I was; it was just an instinctual survival mechanism and automatic response to attack) to her and everything that she was saying, even though she made me always feel under attack, and made me cry,too, and she scolded me and talked down to me like I was a misbehaving dog, and I felt she was being dismissive and always taking my hubby’s side, and he kept praising himself as this great involved father and said that the kids see my mother at the mother figure and not me; it’s like not only have I been pushed out, I’ve also been replaced, and he complained that I “didn’t used to be like this” ( not going out and do things, being less social, so withdrawn and broken,etc..) but that was also before I was beaten down and broken by all of the traumas in my life,too; it was before any of that had happened, so of course I wasn’t like this before! The therapist also criticized me saying it’s not good for the 14 YR old to see her mother and therapist arguing…..oh, but it’s ok for her to see her therapist tear down her mother every week? She warned it’s only going to get worse as well….. I can’t keep doing this. This is taking a heavy toll on me. A price I can’t afford to pay….

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 07.16 PM  I prayed to God for strength and direction, as being blamed and made to feel like shit for the past 3 weeks in a row has beaten me down even more, and the suicidal feelings are back again. Then I saw this inspirational saying show up on my Facebook feed. It ironically came from a poster called, “God”. Whaddya know. It came at just the right time and right when I needed it most.  I just hope it’s true. All this therapy crap has done is rub it in what a shitty person I am, how useless and hated I am for having Asperger’s and bipolar and how it ruins all my relationships and makes me a shitty mother, reminding me of what a failure I am at everything in life, how I can’t do anything right, and how I’m always hated and blamed for being me even though I can’t help it, and I struggle with it every single day, and all I ever get my entire life is criticism  and blame and for once I just want someone to show me some compassion  and kindness.

I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore though, attending the family therapy sessions, I mean. It’s harmful to me emotionally and mentally and is pushing me to the edge, and making me feel badly about myself. it’s too much stress. It wrecks my nerves. I am supportive of the 14 YR old and her recovery,and I’ve been going to her app’t’s weekly for the past 6 months, but I can’t keep doing this to myself; I’m an emotional wreck after, just shattered, feeling bullied and ganged-up on, and what if they’re right? What if I am the problem? I certainly don’t mean to be, want to be, or purposely try to be, and if I am the problem  and if I am responsible for her brokenness that would be too heavy a burden to bear, too heavy a load to carry, and the guilt would just be too overwhelming to live with,and it would be best for everyone if I was just removed from the equation. No one wants me around anyway, and if I’m the problem everyone would all be better off with me gone.

I just want to disappear and fly away. I’m just so defeated, so broken. I’m no “use” to anyone anyone; just a problem, a burden.If everything really is my fault and I am the problem  then why should I even bother? Why keep trying? At this point I don’t even want to be a part of this family anymore, they’ve pushed me so far away and beaten me down so much, I just want out.