Mr. Mouse.

MouseInGarbage Look what we found when we opened up the lid on our garbage can. Look really closely, in the middle, can you see it? It’s really dark in there so the photo isn’t too bright .It’s a live mouse! It’s just the cutest little thing(brown on top, white underneath) and my guess was that someone opened up the lid and it scrambled in and then the lid was shut and it got trapped in there(at least it has lots of food) but as it turned out my hubby had caught it in a mousetrap and thought it was dead, then guessed it was probably just sleeping( he seriously can’t tell the difference between something sleeping or dead? Really? I could tell even when I was just a kid!) and removed it from the trap and dumped it in the garbage can.So now we have a mouse in the garbage can and everyone’s scared to open it up so we have this live mouse in there no one knows what to do with. My hubby said to flush it down the toilet but that’s just cruel. I suggested just picking it up and tossing it back outside…then they freak out, Noooo, it’ll just find it’s way back inside!

The 11 YR old also entered a spelling bee and came in third, but only because the word was a homophone and he didn’t know which version it was(he should have asked for it to be used in a sentence) and he spelled the wrong one, and the 23 YR old painted the veranda railing only he did it in white because it was the cheapest paint, only 20$ as compared to the coloured ones that were 50$ even though it looked better the colour it was before( a burnt reddish/brown) and I thought would stay the same colour, as with the white columns it needs some contrast and now all white it looks like shit. My hubby and the girls were also talking and I interjected a comment and he growled at me that I was butting-in my opinion, like anything I have to say isn’t wanted, welcomed, valued, or appreciated, even though I was just trying to add to the conversation, be included and show interest in what they were talking about….but I got shut down like always.

I also failed again last night at yet another suicide attempt. This time I took alot of Benadryl and Trazodone  which certainly by all accounts should have worked and I even took an anti-nauseant to make sure I wouldn’t barf them up…. yet nothing and I was angry, dismayed,pissed-off, and disappointed to still wake up this morning and find myself still alive yet again. I’m such a failure and nothing ever goes right or works out for me I can’t even kill myself properly. I don’t know why God doesn’t just take me though, why He keeps me alive and keeps prolonging my suffering, pain,and misery. I can’t go on any longer and want to find peace. I also hate myself and my life and my toxic family and the way they treat me; it’s all just so hopeless and I can’t keep on doing this anymore. What’s the point? I can’t even think of one reason why I shouldn’t kill myself(and they’d be glad to be rid of me,too, so everybody gets what they want)….and I keep trying and trying and pray every day to God I die….but it never works! What plans does God possibly have for my life to keep me here, despite my best efforts to finally just end it all?Maybe He just hates me, like everyone else.

As well ever since I woke up today I’m really dizzy and feel like I’m going to faint and have to keep sitting down( it’s always worse when I change positions,too, like getting up standing after laying down or sitting) and I get double blurry vision and also see these black “spots” and “lines” out of the corner of my eyes, and my chest, arms,and upper back feel heavy and weak and I keep coughing.My stomach and abdomenal pain is bad too. Chronic pain is just a part of my daily life. The neighbours 2 houses down from us also put their house up for sale, moving back to Newfoundland in July, and I met the new owner of D’s old house; she seemed nice and has a Basset Hound that’s 12 just like Buddy!

Cruel Torture.

tortureRack Every day I hope and pray it’s my last and I implore and beg God to take me. I’ve had enough of all the neverending suffering, crisis, hardship, misfortune, trauma, unhappiness, despair,hurt and pain that never ends. It just goes on and on, jumping from one right to the other, my “break” never comes, and I only ever feel disappointment, failure and loss; I keep longing for love and happiness that never comes, that I can never attain, and that I fear just isn’t meant to be. I don’t understand why He still keeps me alive despite this and it feels to me like it’s some sort of sick and cruel torture, like I just keep being strung along, all for nothing, as I hope and wait for My Time to come, but it never does. I’ve even attempted suicide some 6 times, perhaps more, I’ve lost count at this point, but even that doesn’t work. God just won’t take me and I can’t figure out why. Why does He allow me to still keep on living and keep suffering thru a life of utter misery and unhappiness?

Despite the numerous tragedies, abuses, heartaches, trials and traumas I have endured I have always bounced back before but ever since the 14 YR old(who I was the closest to) stopped loving me, shut down, turned away from me and broke last year with her battle with depression, being suicidal and anorexia that just completely shattered me and I was never able to recover from; it just gutted me and I was never able to recover  and it left me completely defenceless with no resources left to fight any more battles and crisis that would follow, incl. our most recent one; I have nothing left, I’m just spent, empty, depleted. I can no longer bounce back. Every inch I had left in me to fight, every strength, every hope, every energy, every determination, every willpower, every being in myself is just gone now, all used up. I have nothing left anymore.

The best thing I can do is die. It’s the only way all this misery and hopelessness will finally ever end and I will be free and at peace. No more stress, anxiety, and worry. No more bullying from my toxic family. No more endless crisis. No more financial issues. When my hubby loses his job and my drug coverage ends, for example, it’ll cost a whopping 800$ a month just for my meds alone and there’s no way we can afford it, yet I can’t just go off my medications; that would be catastrophic in itself.Plus, with me gone they could get an even smaller house, with only 3 bedrooms instead of 4 and they would also have my life insurance $$$$ to help with the cost of another house and moving expenses, and they’d be glad to be rid of me,anyway so everyone wins.I just can’t do this anymore. I have nothing left, but what does it take , how much more pain and suffering do I have to endure before God hears my prayer and takes me?

Speaking of my toxic family, it was nice with my hubby gone for 3 days. Nice without him here to provoke and berate me, and I even got hot water in the mornings for my bath without him hogging it all first for his shower and not leaving me enough but as soon as he got back it was the same as always and when I muted the redneck sports on the news as BOTH my mother and I hate it(majority rules) he kept putting it back on and then she betrays me and sides with him like she always does(even though she doesn’t like it,either; she always sides with him against me) and then he turned the news off so I couldn’t watch it at all so I just went to my computer and watched it online. He’s not my boss and he’s not controlling me. He knows the sports and country music is a line I won’t cross. It’s a game-changer. That’s the 2 things I just hate and won’t tolerate. He can watch it on his own if he wants, but not when I’m in the room. I know he just does it because he knows I hate it and he delights in annoying me.

I sometimes still hold on to the hope that maybe, perhaps, my life might turn out like Good Friday and Jesus’ Resurrection on Easter: what appears to be hopeless and lost on Good Friday(with his death) turns to joy and a new beginning on Easter with His Resurrection; a new life, a new hope, a new beginning; all is not lost afterall. I was thinking that ideally if we do have to move that maybe the 23 year old and I ( neither of us are welcome here and are always being told to move out) could get a small 2 bedroom house somewhere here in the area together so he could still go to his jiu-jitsu that he loves and I could still walk to church and the others could move together wherever they want. We could use some $$$$ from when they sell the house to get a small place and they use the rest. He and I get along well and then if I go on disability I’d have an income and have my meds covered and he’d get a job and we could share expenses and Buddy would live with us and he and I get along ok, and that way I’d also have some independence and be away from my toxic family but wouldn’t be alone and would have someone to help me…. but is it possible?

Last Night.

Screen Shot 05-10-17 at 09.04 AM I tried once again to end it last night. But it didn’t work.Yet again. I had fully resolved that was it and I was going to finally end my miserable life where my family hates and mistreats me, where my kids hate and rebuff me,where I’m always blamed for everything, where I’m always being pushed away,treated like the villian,left out,ridiculed, dismissed, ignored, or just generally treated like shit. It’s also just soooooo overwhelming now with the eating disorders with two of the kids now, plus the 19 YR old’s mental illness as well and his previous suicide attempts,and that topped off with all the traumas of my past( too many to list them all here and others too personal) that hold on tight with an iron grip and refuse to let go, bringing with them their own damaged baggage, it’s all just too much. I simply have run out of gas. I have no more resources left. I am a broken vessel. My ship has taken on too much water and I’m sinking.

My family has torn me to pieces like wolves, and my life has shredded any hope of any improvement in the future at any point, and with the kids’ issues and our crazy family it’s just too much and I’ve had enough and have reached my breaking point. There’s nothing left of me anymore. Sadly for me though, I can’t even kill myself properly; I took a whack-load of left-over opiates from surgery and even crushed them up for full maximum effect…..laid down in bed with Buddy cuddling next to me, listened to music, said my prayers, closed my eyes to go to sleep and prepared to wake up on the other side…..but NOTHING! Boy, what I ever mad when I still woke up in the morning and I was still here. I have nothing to live for(besides Buddy) : no one loves me, I’m unloved, unwanted, rejected, unimportant, don’t matter, am a failure at everything I do, ridiculed, useless, etc.and I was really mad to wake up and find out that I wasn’t dead, and said to myself, F*ck! I’m still here? God, why didn’t you take me?

I believe that you don’t die until it’s your time, and my several suicide attempts prove that theory, and they weren’t “watered-down” or half-ass attempts or just a cry for help not really wanting to die either,I took alot of pills, and the right ones,too, as last night, for example, I never told anyone my plan; I just silently went about my business and did it, I knew which pills to take and how many, and I hid the pill bottle,too; it just didn’t work, just like nothing ever works for me! I can’t even kill myself properly I’m such a loser!  So then,, what plan does God have still left for me and my life then, since He refuses to take me now and it’s not my time and I only survived it( and without any side-effects,either!) by the Grace of God.

So where am I going now?

Hesitation.

screen-shot-01-02-17-at-08-18-am I came close to killing myself last night, tired, weary, and just beaten down from all of my toxic family’s constant emotional abuse, exclusion, belittling, hate, blame, criticism, and overall treating me like dirt that I just can’t take it any more and I just gave up, and as I was at my lowest point I was sitting there on the edge of my bed, with the pills in my hand, all set to go ahead and do  it, just sitting there, thinking, praying, contemplating, waiting……trying to gather up all my courage, reassuring myself that soon it will all be over  and they won’t have me around to kick around anymore; that this is my only way out and all I have to do is lay down, close my eyes, snuggle up next to Buddy, and go to sleep , and I will finally be free……and I will have that same  unfettered, glorious feeling of total freedom like I felt on the last day of highschool, just like a huge weight has been lifted off, “I’m free! never have to go back!”…..

But then I hesitated……

Right at that critical moment Buddy came out from under the covers and came up to me, nudging and nuzzling me and kept licking my face over and over, sensing something was wrong, it was like he was feeling my hurt and my pain and imploring me not to do it, telling me that he  loves me even if no one else does, and I held him and just buried my face into his soft warm fur and cried, and for what seemed like forever he stayed there and just let me hold him and cry into his neck, and in that moment of hesitation it was also impressed upon my heart the words:

Something wonderful is about to happen.

I don’t know if that’s actually true or not, or if I’m just deluding myself, but if it is,  I wonder what it could be? Am I going to die soon and be seeing Heaven shortly? Am I finally going to find love and be happy?Do I actually have some hope? I don’t see my toxic family changing any time soon and treating me any nicer, and I don’t see how I can move out and survive on my own, either, but I do know that The Holy Spirit made me hesitate for a reason and put my plans on hold when I did fully intend to go ahead with it. Interrupting my plans did make me feel like a quitter and a “chicken” but there will always be another time, another opportunity, it’s just a matter of waiting and putting off the inevitable as far as I see it, and I turn 50 tomorrow ,too, so if I am  actually going to die before then I have to die sometime today, unless, of course, I’ve been wrong about it my entire life, or maybe I got it mixed up and I’m actually going to die in my 50th year which could be any time this YR…….whenever it is, it won’t be soon enough for me!!

The Voices.

screen-shot-10-03-16-at-06-49-pm The Voices told my friend S ( seen here) to kill himself. He did already attempt last YR by setting himself on fire, which he survived, after much time in the hospital recovering. He has been facing a very hard time lately, from alcohol addiction, a broken marriage( she cheated on him) job loss, and then homelessness. He has been homeless for several months now and the situation just continues on, getting more and more hopeless and defeating each day that passes.

He is now 36 and has turned almost completely grey. It started when he was 14 and moved from Ireland to USA. It was also when his happiness ended and his life started to fall apart. Sound familiar? We have stood by one another and supported eachother thru some very hard and tough times and I continue to pray for him every day. Every Sunday I also offer my Eucharistic prayer for his intentions.I can empathize with what he’s going thru with the depression and suicidal feelings as I have been there myself so I try to encourage and support him. He is a lost and hurting soul.

I have been very worried about him lately, and he has been saying dark and troublesome things about “doing away” with himself and I have urged him to reach out and get help, to go to a shelter, walk into an ER, call his family that’s still in Ireland( perhaps they can even send him a ticket and he can go back home where he was happier?) go to a drop-in centre, go to a food bank, etc. and then when he said that The Voices were telling him to do it I got really worried, esp. since it’s hard when your mind is playing tricks on you,and was then relieved every time since to see that he’s still here, and now, thankfully he’s all of a sudden( I know that was you,God!) found a new hope and says he’s going to work on himself and forget all the other B.S; that it’ll be the start of a “new”  and improved him and hopefully everything else will fall into place with the help of his new caseworker…..I hope so, too. God knows the poor guy really needs a break, and I hope his “luck” changes and his life can turn around and he gets back on his feet again and things start to look up for him. He’s lost everything. “Down and out” describes him perfectly and if anyone has a reason to feel hopelessness and despair, it’s him.

It also got me thinking: we all sort of have “voices”, not the same he has, but similar in a way, a little “voice” in our head that whispers to us that we’re not good enough, or that we’re a failure, or that no one will love us, that we can’t succeed, that we’re not valued or worthy, that we shouldn’t even try, that it won’t work anyway, that it’s a bad idea, that we shouldn’t take a chance, that no one cares, that it won’t matter, etc… beating us down, demoralizing us, discouraging us, and just like him, we should ignore that voice and not listen to it or give in to it.The Voice is not our friend; it is an enemy trying to defeat and destroy us,and every time we hear it we should just tune it out and listen for the Voice of God thru the Holy Spirit.

Fractured.

screen-shot-09-10-16-at-06-47-pm It feels like everything is fractured. I am fractured. My family is fractured. My life is fractured. Once something is fractured it never fully heals, at least not as strong as it once was, there will always be a crack, a weakness, where it broke.Same shit, different day….

I had to go to church yesterday as my hubby is working today and isn’t able to drive me, but he was late getting home yesterday too and I  still had to walk anyway and he didn’t see why I was upset; I had to switch my schedule and my day because of  him so he should at least have the courtesy to be home on time to be able to drive me, and then he said he doesn’t have to drive me at all and if I “don’t stop whining” I can walk all the time. He just doesn’t give two-shits about me, none of them do,  my feelings, opinions, needs, thoughts, etc. don’t matter, and I’m always being undermined and over-ruled, and the kids are disobedient and disrespectful, and to them I’m just a burden they can barely even tolerate and they belittle, devalue,and demean me and push me away and I’m just sooooo tired of it.

I also had trouble with the new TV remote thing my hubby got, and it wasn’t working for me and I asked the 9 YR old to help me and he got mad and screamed at me, frustrated trying to help me and I still wasn’t getting it, and he yelled, “You’re  so stupid!” which was really  demoralizing  and my mother said that everything is always my fault,too, and my kids hate me(I told her it was because she turned them against me and she snickered I did it myself) and when I said they just imitate and copy seeing how she and my hubby treat me she said, “But you….” and I cut her off right there and told her, “You always do that! You always turn it on to me and blame me all the time!” and she keeps ripping into me and wouldn’t even let me put my pillow cases in the wash either as it “costs too much for electricity “even though I needed them before  I went to bed and says if I don’t like it then I can move out and I told her I wish I could but I have no $$$ and nowhere to go.

I’m just spent. My spirit is crushed. I’m destroyed. I’ve had enough. What if she’s right, though? What if I really  am this horrible, awful person and everything really  is because of me? How can I live with such responsibility, failure,and guilt? They really  will be better off without me, and I know I’ll be better off, out of this miserable life, living in a place I hate, with a family that hates me and emotionally abuses me and then blames me for it. This ends today. This ends  now. I want to be in a place full of love and beauty, and even nothingness is still preferable to the pain of this life. Who will they have to kick around and be the scapegoat when I’m gone?

Suicide Intervention.

Screen Shot 05-18-16 at 03.53 PM I am worried about a friend on Facebook: for the past week he has been saying that TODAY is the day he is planning on killing himself and I think he is serious about it too as last YR he did attempt it by setting himself on fire and after time in the ICU he miraculously recovered and survived(so it obviously wasn’t his time) but now life is hopeless once again and he said last week that he’ll give it a week and if things didn’t look up then today will be the day…..

Screen Shot 05-18-16 at 07.40 PM 001 He posted this( and the quote below as well) on his Facebook page along with comments about his imminent demise and things like “just one more day to go…” etc. and it’s worrying me as I think he’s really going to go ahead and do it but I hope he doesn’t. His life has fallen apart: his wife cheated on him and their marriage broke up, plus he lost his job and was unable to pay his rent and now he’s living in the streets…..he feels hopeless, he’s lost everything, he has nowhere to go, I can’t really say that I blame him…..but he has friends that DO care about him and don’t want him to die….I feel so badly for him!

Screen Shot 05-18-16 at 07.40 PM So I reported his suicide threats to Facebook hoping that someone could intervene and help him before it’s too late. I had to copy things from his page and send it to them for review and they sent me a reply saying they will review it but I hope that they do it in time and that they can send help of some sort and that he can be saved.I also gave him the suicide crisis toll-free helpline to call. In the meantime I post replies to him telling him not to do it and reminding him that there are people that care about him and what happens to him and that he has support and that hopefully things will look up.  Like George Harrison once said,all things must pass.

I’ve had a few friends who have attempted suicide(one even drank bleach!), in fact, and a couple I have talked out of it. It’s alarming(and sad!) how many there are; how many hurting, depressed, hopeless, lost, suffering, desperate, bereft, despairing and broken people there really are out there,incl. myself.It’s shocking how many people can’t cope, can’t see any other way out, and have lives so full of misery where  no end seems in sight. There’s nothing more I can do for him now except pray, but I will be thinking about him all day today and hoping he doesn’t go thru with it….at least I know that I did all I could.

I saw this saying somewhere once, “Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just transfers it on  to someone else.”