The Suicide Letter.

Letter(new) My mother got what appears to be a suicide letter from her friend yesterday. She got the shocking news that her husband’s been cheating on her; it started when she was having her most recent surgery and it turns out it’s with a woman she knows,too, a woman who lives in their apartment building and who is now even going around TELLING everyone about their affair( what nerve!) and she even caught them kissing passionately in her hallway,too! Naturally now she feels not only shocked, betrayed, hurt, and devastated, but she’s lost all trust in him now that she’ll never be able to get back( some things just can’t be repaired or undone) wants a divorce and says she doesn’t have anything to live for anymore, wants to die, has started smoking again, and told my mother when she dies she’s told her husband to call her and asked my mother to read him this letter when she does. The letter also sounded like she was saying goodbye, sounding eerily to me like a suicide note. I’ve been there myself; so despondent and on the brink of suicide; I know what it’s like and what it feels like and I’m able to pick up the signals in other people as well and recognize the signs and  I can tell when someone’s planning on killing themselves and I know a suicide note when I see one because I’ve written one myself. I just feel so badly for her and when I found out all I could think of was, “What a f*cking piece of shit!” I’m worried about her and I fear this will be the last letter my mother will see from her and that soon there will be  that dreaded phone call that she has died. She also told my mother in the letter not to call her as her husband listens in. I don’t know her and I’ve never met her but I know they worked together before my mother retired and they’ve kept in touch by writing over the past 11 YRS so I’ve heard about her and all her medical issues and such and I feel so badly for her, plus, having being suicidal many times myself I know what it’s like. I’ll say an extra prayer for her tonight.

As well, I like to think about hippos because hippos make me happy and I want to be happy, and when I told the 13 YR old ( who is a diva, a fashionista, and who loves to shop) I went to the Eaton Centre she was so jealous and said she HAS to go,too, esp. since it’s a REAL shopping mall and has 4 levels, not like the strip malls we have here and even the closest “mall” in the nearest town 20 min. away only has 1 level, so you can’t even compare it; The Eaton Centre is pure shopping heaven, and the 11 YR old saw me reading a book and sighed, “You’re reading AGAIN? I hate it when you read because you ignore me!” Her friend also came over and her family has a baby now; it was seized by Child Welfare from her aunt so now they adopted him.At least he’s still with family though and not in the horrors of foster care.

I was horrified as well to hear on the news a 9 YR old girl shot and killed her instructor at a gun firing range and I thought “Who in their right mind would even let children anywhere NEAR guns?” I just don’t get Americans’ gun culture, and their love and obsession with guns and I never will. It just boggles my mind the gun mentality over there. Our oldest’s friend( since they were teens) is also being recalled from his Mormon mission for medical treatment as he’s severely depressed and having a hard time but they intend on sending him BACK,too, which I wish they wouldn’t; I mean, he’s obviously unhappy there and not doing well; it’s not for everybody, and what if they send him back and he ends up committing suicide or something?( I know someone who did after he returned from his mission) and they put so much pressure on them and act like it’s such a failure and disgrace if they don’t go on a mission or if they have to return and it’s not right.

 

The Truth Hurts.

Truth(Pilate) The other day a blog follower informed me that they think I might have an undesirable personality disorder(on top of all of my other issues) and they didn’t say it in a mean way and I think they were trying to be helpful, but it still  hurt and it wasn’t an easy thing to hear and it was hard to take, maybe because it could be true(and the truth hurts); it’s quite possible,though, esp. as other conditions often DO co-exist along with Asperger’s and I already know that I DO have depression, Social Phobia,and OCD. It also makes me think that perhaps I’m even more messed up (and hopeless) than I thought as well; all the traumas in my life have left me so broken, damaged,and defective and I feel like such an awful horrible person, like a shit of a human being, yet no one’s perfect though,either,and we ALL have flaws, imperfections,weaknesses,and sins, even major Bible characters did, such as Noah who was a drunkard, David was an adulterer, and Paul was a murderer; even worse sins than me,and I can most identify with Job, who also had more than his fair share of trials and hardships in life and laid down and prayed to die,desperate for it to all end.

They also went on to say that they noticed as well that I escape into an idealized version of my past and unrealistic fantasies, and even though I am aware that going back and seeking elusive comfort in the past doesn’t work I WAS happy in the past and my happy memories are all  I have to hold on to  and my only source of happiness now, and my blog has alot of” self-pity” reflected in my posts yet it’s not my intended purpose; I merely post from my perspective and I’ve HAD a sad life, and they think I want the “best” of everything too when really I’m just tired of always getting shit all the time and I don’t necessarily have to have the best; I just don’t always want the worst and just want things that work the way they’re supposed to and that aren’t always substandard! They DID acknowledge, however, that I HAVE had a hard life though, am a victim of insufficient parenting, have a right to be sad, and that I have no family support.

On the plus side, however, just shortly after, another blog reader also commented that she felt a “nudge” from God to send me an encouraging word of support and added that she understands what I’m going thru ,feels sad reading my blog,and that she prays for me every night and it came when I was really feeling down and needed it the most, so God works in mysterious ways and works thru other people to send comfort, showing me that He loves me, even when it seems like no one else does.It really means alot to me, and praying for complete strangers is an act of kindness and compassion.

It makes me wonder if maybe my family really is right all along, though: that there’s a reason no one likes me, that everything really IS my fault and I really AM to blame, and  whenever there’s an issue I’m always part of the equation so I’m the problem. That’s a hard thing to digest, a difficult thing to accept, and a painful truth to take,even more so when I don’t do it on purpose, don’t mean to, it isn’t my intent,didn’t choose it, wish it wasn’t,would do anything to change it,regret it, and  can’t help it. Sadly as well the mental health care in this country is severely lacking as well, esp. for children, but it’s in bad shape for everyone so people are basically just left to their own devices for the most part and just have to learn to live with their disorders on their own and manage it themselves the best that they can and this is not an easy thing and you can see why there’s such a high suicide rate.

 

Everything.

HateEveryone I hate everything in my life.

EVERYTHING.

There’s nothing in my life that I like.

NOTHING. Nothing at all.

Do you know what it’s like to live a life that you absolutely hate, that makes you completely miserable, that you hate everything about,and yet are powerless and helpless to ever escape? Where you have no hope of improvement,and where the life you want will always be out of your reach due to your limitations and lack of finances? Day in and day out I eke out this miserable existance living this life where I hate and regret everything, wishing I could be someone else and have someone else’s life even though I know there’s no way out until I’m dead.

It’s a form of self-abuse.

I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate my family. I hate where I live( this house, this town, this country). I am in an unhappy loveless marriage. I don’t even like some of my kids and  now wish I never even had kids.(It reminds me of that saying my mother always said,”Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it!”) I hate it that I will always be limited and held back by Asperger’s and Social Phobia and will never be normal or have a normal life like other people. I hate it that I will never be able to afford to move back to the city where I was happy.I hate it I am always cursed with bad luck and endless traumas that have damaged me emotionally beyond repair.I hate the way I am always mistreated, even by my own family.

There’s nothing in my life that I like, that I don’t regret, or that makes me happy.I hate everything about myself and my life.

You can’t even imagine how that makes me feel.

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As well, I heard on the news that this province will now be the 7 th (out of 10) to soon ban tanning beds for people under age 18 (trying to lessen skin cancer) as the Big Brother Nanny State continues to ban, regulate,and control everything and intrude into our lives once again,(what will they do next? Try and ban the SUN,too?) and the gov’t tried to make it mandatory that English be taught in schools in Quebec at least from grade 6 but the teacher’s unions and the Parti Quebecois refused and their excuse is that it would “take away from”and “negatively affect” their other subjects,  yet the rest of us still have French forced down OUR throats and we still have to have to take so many YRS of it  in school ( I took it for 8 YRS  in school myself) so I guess it doesn’t work both ways, and yet more special rights for Quebec AGAIN, and they said that the cell phone rates in this country are also the highest in the world,too, but that we also get the worst service and the least competition! It figures, but I’m NOT surprised, and yet another way Canada SUCKS! I hate this country so much!!

On top of that, we’re so short of $$$$ now,too, that we don’t have any extra left over now either for toilet cleaner, or room deoderizer, etc. or anything extra like that anymore, now; it all goes for food and bills.Being poor really sucks.

Broken Hearted.

BrokenHeart(new)The stress of coping with my life is affecting my health, I’m in agony the way my life has turned out, and I wish I could escape my painful existence. I hate it that everyone is always so mean to me and I hope that my relatives that have died can see my broken heart, unhappiness, misery,and suffering,and can intercede, pray for,and watch over me, and that I can die and go to Heaven soon where I’ll finally belong, fit in, be accepted,and be welcomed with love that I’ve never had here. In just the past few days when I mentioned my sore back my mother caustically replied,”I know; I  always HEAR about it!” and when she asked where I put something and I told her,”Back where it belongs” she sneered sarcastically,”Well, GOOD for YOU!”and whenever I ask her to do something she accuses me of “pushing her around” but when SHE asks anyone to do something “it’s called helping out” so it’s different for me but the rules change for HER, and she hassles me that I’m close to the 9 YR old too(even though SHE pampers the 22 YR old and the 5 YR old) jealous that she likes ME more than she likes her and resentful that someone actually loves me, the only one that DOES,and when  I told her that she “buys” the kids’ affection(she’s always “bought” people and used money as power and control) and turned them away from me she cruelly snarled that *I* turned them away from MYSELF(because everything’s always MY fault, never HERS!),and when she gets the wrong thing at the store(She goes out every day on her walk and I only get out of the house for church and medical app’ts)because she never bothers to read the label  she blames ME for getting mad,too ,instead of it being HER fault for getting the wrong thing! She’s just so hateful and cruel! I don’t think anyone hates me more than my own mother does, and the 18 YR old taunted me as well jeering that I “don’t have to eat much” as I “don’t need much for energy or thinking” because I’m lazy and dumb, and that I’m the “most selfish person he knows.”.

It’s like a knife in the heart. I just feel dead inside. I just want to die. Even my own family hates me.I just can’t go on like this anymore .Enough is enough. My spirit is destroyed and my entire life has imploded.I feel so alone.

As well, I took the Christmas tree down yesterday(it took me an hour) and did the indoor decorations a few days before(it’s too much work to do all at once, all in one day) and will take down the outdoor lights after New Year’s, and our son took the train back ,and for the past week I’ve had a REALLY sore back( so bad I want to barf from the pain) and I found out that severe back pain can be a rare but serious side-effect from my BP pills,so maybe it’s kidney damage,or something? My secret hope is I die.

I also heard a song on the radio(Def Leppard’s “Love Bites”) and every time I hear it it reminds me of G, who I used to like in 1988, and every time I do hear it and  think of him I used to say a little prayer that he’s ok  that he’s found someone and has a family, and the last time I saw him was 18 YRS ago and he was still single then,and now I’ve changed my prayer to just that he’s happy; he’s probably better off being single; now that I know what having kids is like I wish I’d have stayed single and not had kids. If I had known ahead of time how much fear, worry, stress, trauma, anxiety, misery, and regret it caused in my life I would have changed my mind; I was happier before. I used to feel sorry for him being alone and think he missed out not having kids but now I think he made the better choice and is likely happier than I am.My family causes me nothing but grief and misery.I miss my old life and wish I could go back.

My life sucks.

Giving Up.

WhiteFlag                                               Discouraged.

Hopeless.

Defeated.

Deflated.

Despairing.

Depressed.

That’s how I feel. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it anymore. It has gone on for too long. Of course it HAD to be MY MRI report that got lost(I still haven’t heard from the doctor so she hasn’t located the results yet) and it feels like I’m never going to get results, never going to get answers,and never going to see an end to my suffering,and on top of that I even get blamed for it too(my hubby says I make it up and it’s just an excuse for being stupid and forgetful; if the MRI  comes back normal) and I’m so fed up that nothing works out for me and I have such bad luck all the time  and these things always happen to me and I  can never catch a break. My hubby also snarls all I ever do is complain, but everything always goes wrong for me  and I’m miserable and if HE had my life he’d complain too but I don’t even have any support or sympathy either, just condemnation and blame. I have no joy in my life, just shit.

I don’t even want to think about the possibility that my MRI results can never be found and that I have to go back and get the MRI re-done again,causing even more delays. It’s already been 3 weeks since I had it done and is taking forever as it is and  it seems hopeless I’ll never get results,answers, relief from my symptoms or an end to my debilitating headaches and brain decline and I fear as it progresses and worsens(and now I mix up “me” and “my” and “him” and “her” as well) I’ll eventually end up a “vegetable” if they can’t get results and figure out what’s causing it and fix it in time,and it feels like there’s no end in sight and the waiting is so hard and so hopeless and I feel so discouraged, defeated, deflated, and depressed and I can’t keep living like this and have had enough. I’m fed up with my constant suffering, bad luck,blame, and just want to give up. I want SOMETHING to show up in the results(if  even GET them,that is!) as I need an explanation and also to prove to my hubby that it IS real; that I’m NOT making it up,yet I fear I may never know and have to suffer forever and that maybe for some reason I’m not “meant” to know and am SUPPOSED to just suffer for the rest of my life?

I’m so depressed and pissed off I don’t even care about Christmas,either, and just want to get it over with(and it doesn’t feel like Christmas anyway with no snow) and want to just roll over and die.I hate myself.I hate my life. I hate my headaches and endless suffering that seems to have no answer and no end.I hate it I doubt I’ll ever get my MRI results. I hate my constant bad luck. I hate being blamed for how I feel. I hate being blamed for everything. I’m not even “allowed” to be upset and complain when my life is a constant stream of bad luck with everything always going wrong.My hubby even blames me for not being able to wake up the 18 YR old(who  is hard to wake up and would sleep thru an apocalypse!) and says I “don’t try hard enough”  and “give up too easily”as if I don’t have anything better to DO all day than to stay up in his room trying to wake him up but somehow everything’s always MY fault,and the 14 YR old sneers to me about “poor parenting.” See, THAT’S the kind of crap I get EVERY SINGLE DAY and it beats down on me.On TOP of everything else I always have to deal with and I’m sick of it. I hope the world DOES end tomorrow actually and then it saves ME the trouble of having to kill myself! I’m tempted to just go and do it now,actually.I just want out. I’m done.

The only good things that brought me a bit of cheer was my old friend(since we were 12 YRS old!) phoned me and it was a nice surprise and it was nice to talk to her,and on the Toronto TV news I saw my old school(one that I liked, up to grade 6) and my old house(visible up the street) and it made me miss(and want to move back to) Toronto and my (happy) past even more.A small bright light in an otherwise dark dreary world.Other than that it’s all just too much and I wish I could just disappear somewhere, never to be found,and die.

I just want to give up.Too much has gone wrong for too long and everything is just so hopeless.