Skype.

Screen Shot 03-18-17 at 07.39 PM I’m now on Skype! I had been instant messaging the kids on Google Chat but they have since left and headed over to Skype so I decided to go there too in order to be able to continue to send them messages. It took me awhile though as I thought you could  only do it by web-cam, and I don’t want people to see my ugly mug (which is why I prefer to socialize online, that way I don’t get so nervous with my anxiety and social phobia as I don’t have to actually talk; I can write, which I am more comfortable at,and they don’t have to actually see what I look like!) but then someone told me you also have the option of NOT using the live-action and can just send messages without them actually seeing you, so I decided to look into it.

Of course I got zero  co-operation from my family, who made it glaringly clear that they don’t want me as a contact and don’t want me on Skype,as they tried their hardest to discourage me, wouldn’t help me, and once I did figure it out and get it all set up on my own regardless they still wouldn’t tell me what theirs and eachother’s screen-names were so that I could send them contact requests,and them and my hubby also started making excuses that  oh, no one even uses Skype anymore….when I know for a fact that they do, communicating with siblings who have moved away and out of town and over-seas friends…yeah…nice try,assholes. As it turns out, the 9 YR old knew their screen-names so he told me and I sent the requests a few days ago and still no response or reply( I think they’re purposely ignoring me) and no one has accepted my request for me to add them…..so here I have this new account…..and no contacts…..and yet another way my toxic family excludes me and makes me feel like I’m nothing.

As well, I’m pretty sure I had another seizure in my sleep overnight last night as I woke up with a sore mouth at first I thought must be a tooth but then as I awoke more I realized was the inside of my cheek on the left side, that I must have been biting down on it during my sleep, something I’d only do during a seizure, and all last evening I felt really “creepy” and gross,too, just not “right”, sort of like when your BP plunges down really low, so something must have “shifted”, leading up to it and sort of like a warning.Even today I still feel nauseated and like I’m always going to faint. I just wish I knew what it was, and what was causing it.Hopefully the EEG will have some answers…..

The 17 YR old had a nice trip in Virginia over March Break with Cadets,too, and they passed thru Syracuse NY on the way there and she said the whole city looked like a ghetto, and she went on a battleship, to the Smithsonian, an airforce museum, etc. and bought alot of coins and a really cool jellyfish encased in glass, and said for souvenirs she had to get something distinctly American and I gasped in horror, You mean you got a GUN? ( How would she ever bring that thru customs??) but it was just a commemorative Trump coin. She doesn’t like him; she thinks he’s a buffoon, but it will be a collector’s item someday.

She also said that alot of the Cadet squadrons weren’t able to go on the trip if they had Indian, Arab, or Muslim cadets as they wouldn’t let them cross the border into USA! That’s just Fascist and downright discrimination and a hate crime, not letting someone in your country because of their race or religion! It reminds me of Hitler trying to rid Europe of the Jews! New World Order! He’s a dictator!! Talk not only about racism, hate,exclusion,and discrimination, but white privilege!  That kind of shit just makes me so mad!!

Love.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-54-am   I think every mother dreams of having a

little girl that they can dress up, love, and  be extra close to, a daughter where they will share a special bond, a close relationship, the kind of love so intense when you look at them you feel like your heart might burst. I was lucky enough to have that with the now 13 YR old when she was younger, before she grew up and got older and “out-grew” me and decided that she didn’t love me or need me anymore.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-55-am I just love these photos of us when she was little. She was so loving, so cuddly, so clingy,and she followed me around like a dog. She was literally my shadow. She was just soooo affectionate,too, and always ready with a hug or a kiss, telling me how much she loved me and I felt like the Most Important Person In The World to her.Looking at them brings back happy memories.(can you see the love in her eyes?)

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-56-am We had special Cuddle Time every morning as she was waking up and every night as she was in bed getting ready to fall asleep. We had our own little fun jokes,skits,parodies, games, nick-names, inside-jokes, rituals, songs, inventions, secret codes, etc. and she knew that when she was afraid she could come to me and that if she was sad, or hurt, or worried, and I was always there to comfort her. She knew she didn’t have to be afraid to talk to me about anything.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-57-am-001 Then suddenly one day she grew up and became a teenager and she began to withdraw from me and she no longer played our silly little games or confided anything in me anymore or told me she loved me, and, in fact, now she even hides things from me and lies right to my face, and you can forget about cuddling; no more hugging and kissing allowed; I’m not even allowed to touch her now, and she doesn’t really talk much,either, other than the occasional grunt passing by, or a toss of the hair or maybe a stomp or eye-roll.It feels like I’ve lost her.

really miss the way things used to be. I miss the closeness we used to have. It was never my  idea to lose it in the first place.still love her just as fiercely and just as strong as I always did.

I  mourn  it. I grieve it. I still keep hoping we can get it back again someday.It’s a deep, deep loss.I hope she’ll “out-grow” the not loving me and not needing me part someday.

As well, I also heard this cool name on the news : Boketsu Boekwa  and I just thought it was the coolest name ever, the way it just flows off your tongue, and so exotic and mysterious-sounding. I wish I had a cool name like that! My real name is very clearly ethnically European  and I do like  it, but it’s not exotic like Boketsu Boekwa! Maybe secretly in my head it can be my alter-ego or something…..ha,ha….the mysterious globe-trotter,and I was sickened to hear US Prez Trump has BANNED People from several mainly Muslim countries from coming to the USA, to immigrate and to travel, and this is clearly discrimination and reminds me of how Nazi Germany treated the Jews….maybe this can even be taken to the Human Rights Tribunal at the Hague, or something?

Canadian Values.

screen-shot-09-20-16-at-01-20-pm There is a politician here that hopes to run for leader of the Conservative party( and I’m not going to dignify the bigot by saying her name) and she has this assinine idea, which is eerily very similar to Donald Trump’s of “vetting” immigrants, that is, having them pass a “test”, or a questionnaire, where they have to answer in a certain way in order to be accepted and allowed into the country, as she calls it, to “prove” that they “share ” so-called “Canadian values”….which also happen to incl. abortion and same-sex ‘marriage!” which, of course, many people do not agree with, esp. those coming from the more conservative countries, esp. the Muslim ones, so this is really nothing more than a thinly-veiled way to “screen” for and keep out Muslims…and why…. because they don’t agree with baby-killing and sodomy? Give me a break!. Some ‘values!”

I think this is an awful idea, very discriminatory, very Big Brother, and also not very effective; afterall, people will just lie and tell them what they want to hear anyway, whether they actually believe it or not, they’ll just say whatever , to get into the country, so how is this supposed to work, exactly?  I would also think as well once the would-be immigrants find out how blatantly this country does embrace, encourage, glorify,and promote sin and immorality(as well as racism) that they’d change their minds and not want to come,afterall, knowing what they’re getting into, and would actually be better off staying where they are.

If they’re worried about keeping out terrorists, a stupid idea like this isn’t going to stop them,anyway; they’ll always find a way in, and in trying to keep out terrorists it shouldn’t also be at the expense of the honest and good immigrants that apply and such fear-mongering just creates division and an Us VS Them mentality that only angers and fuels the terrorists and their motives even more as it makes them and other cultures feel “outside” of society, like they are an “other” and not  welcomed, accepted, or assimilated, and giving in  to xenophobia, racism, and hatred and fear of foreigners  means that the terrorists win.

Canada’s Shame.

Screen Shot 07-29-16 at 08.19 AM This country has many shames but one in particular: the way it treats it’s Native People. Not only the shameful past of the Residential schools where native children(some even as young as 4 YRS old!) were forcibly removed from their homes, families,and communities, and forced into gov’t-run residential schools to be forced to abandon their Native language and culture and adapt to English ways and where countless of them were abused both physically and sexually, with many of them dying. It’s a disgrace, and the Native People were here FIRST, they are the only REAL, true Canadians, the rest of us are really all immigrants when you really think about it.European settlers just came in and took over and either killed the Indians or forced them onto reservations and stole their land.

The Native communities were also put on reservations where they live in poverty, hopelessness, despair, and squalor, in Third World conditions, many with no electricity, indoor plumbing, or clean drinking water.It’s hard to believe that living conditions like  this exist here in Canada but they do. They live in run-down shacks( as seen in the photo here) that have insufficient heat for the cold harsh winters and the education that Native children receive is substandard and inferior compared to the rest of the country,and with less gov’t $$$$$ being put into it and into other programs. The Native communities also often more so than not also lack the typical community standards such as community centres, YMCA’s, libraries, and the like and the cost of food is way more expensive compared to the rest of the country as well.

Living conditions on the reserves are horrendous, and with such abject poverty, despair, limited education or job prospects there is a very high rate of alcoholism, substance abuse,and suicide, much higher than the national average, and there is also a disportionately high amount of murdered and missing Aboriginal women that the RCMP just aren’t taking that seriously or looking into in the same way that they would if the crimes occurred in other non-Native communities.

Basically, the gov’t has been screwing-over the Natives for centuries and continues to do so. There is also rampant racism and discrimination towards Native people, such as the average Canadian thinking that they’re all “lazy Indians” or “deserve” to live in poverty, or that they “sponge off” the gov’t, or are all a bunch of drunks, etc. and their communities face challenges in trying to advance in education and career prospects in trying to better themselves and their community standards and it would seem that the gov’t wants to hold them back and oppress them, keeping them in subjection, poverty, and at a disadvantage. The way this country treats it’s Aboriginal people is shameful and a national disgrace.Canada sucks!!

ISIS.

ISIS(new) I wonder: is it possible that the terrorist group ISIS could be the Anti-Christ mentioned in the Bible? I don’t think it necessarily has to be just one individual, couldn’t it possibly be an organization; a GROUP of evil? ISIS, otherwise known as the Islamic State, would most certainly qualify. Even by terrorist standards they are by far the most brutal and horrific and commit the worst atrocities. No wonder there are so many refugees fleeing Syria, not only fleeing the civil war there but also ISIS, and we have   several bags of clothing we’re saving to donate to the refugees and it’s shameful how so many people are rejecting them, and as for the so-called Christians that are turning their backs they should keep in mind that JESUS and the Holy Family were once refugees, TOO, when He was a baby and had to flee King Herod and escape to Egypt,and besides, we are commanded to love thy neighbour.

TrumpHitler I was also disgusted to hear US Presidential candidate Donald Trump suggest banning all Muslims from immigrating and it reminded me of the Nazi policies in Germany in WWII , trying to eradicate the Jews in Europe, and how there’s always one group of people that are singled out, blamed, and targeted for hatred and discrimination and it’s not right. You can’t blame an entire group, race, religion, or people for some extremists. People use the excuse saying you can’t compare the two as the Jews were peaceful and the Muslims aren’t except the majority ARE and are just as horrified by terrorism as the rest of us are and cringe at it even more so every time a terrorist is a Muslim as the resulting  backlash against them and the Islamophobia is very real and it is them that pay the price.

In the minds of the terrorists they also see it as a war against Islam and in a way they aren’t wrong; there really is racial profiling, discrimination, backlash,hatred,racism, and paranoia directed against Muslims and this in turn can radicalize some people and make them turn to extremism,and so it goes; it’s a vicious cycle. We need to STOP the hate, the violence, the fear, the us VS them mentality, the division, the paranoia, the xenophobia, the racism, the discrimination, and the suspicion. We need to learn that ISIS and all terrorism is our common enemy and a global threat, no matter what our race or religion, and anyone that commits acts of terrorism in the Name of God is perverting their religion.

I Don’t Get It…..

CaptainPicard I just don’t get it why people hate, discriminate against, pick on, and bully others because they…..

– have black skin

– have brown skin

-wear glasses

-are handicapped

– wear braces

– stutter

– are Oriental

– have an accent

-are fat

– are skinny

– are tall

– are short

– are religious

– are gay

-are different

-look different

– are smart

-are dumb

– are immigrants

– are poor

– have red hair

– aren’t popular

-are ugly

 

It’s one thing I will never understand. I just don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense. What’s the big deal? Everyone’s different! Why are people so mean? What’s wrong with some people?

The Bong Shop.

BM(blog) The other day I saw a teenager walk by wearing this really cool tri-colour Bob Marley T-shirt and the thought came into my head to check out the local bong shop to see if maybe they might sell them (bong shop=marijuana=Rasta= Bob Marley, it’s worth a shot, right?) so I did. It was the first time in my life I’ve ever been to a place like that though and I felt weird, awkward,and out of place, but I’m desperate here, so I went in(my hubby refused to and just waited outside for me, ha,ha) and I didn’t look around to see what else they had( there are just some things you’re better off not knowing) but just asked the clerk if they had any(I also wanted them to know why I was there, not wanting them to think I was a pothead) and they didn’t(they did have a Bob Marley flag though) but it was worth checking. I already DO have one Bob Marley shirt I bought one of the times I was in the Caribbean but I wanted a second one but my mother and a couple of the kids are going back there next month so they can look and hopefully they can pick me up another one. Yesterday I saw the boy walk by again and just asked him where he got it(and he looked flattered I admired it) and he said his mother got it for him in Jamaica. Shit. I should have KNOWN you can’t find anything like that HERE.

The 10 YR old also made up “invisible clothes” and I figured isn’t that just the SAME thing as being naked though( “The Emperor’s New Clothes”), when I woke up in the morning I had a momentary sharp, painful tightness and “squeezing” on the left side of my chest and numbness and tingling on the left side of my arm,too, I wonder might be a pre-heart attack “warning” (so if I suddenly drop dead you’ll know why) the travel agent frantically sent me an e-mail saying there was a problem with the immigration information for the kids for the Caribbean trip but we got it all worked out (and this is WHY we HAVE a travel agent and don’t just do all the planning and paperwork ourselves; it’s too confusing and my head would explode) and for the past 2 weeks I missed the ending to “The Big Bang Theory” as mid-scene it cut into the next show and I’m sooo pissed-off and I don’t know whether it happened everywhere or just here, and the newly-minted now-19 YR old tried to grab the TV remote off me(as I was having trouble with it as usual) and snarled, “Here, give it to someone who’s not so stupid!”

The 19 YR old snickered to me as well that I’ve never done anything “selfless”  for anyone else so I guess the time I brought the homeless man into Burger King and bought him a hot meal wasn’t selfless, or the time I gave the 200$ I got for Mother’s Day one YR to the poor single mother in church for train fare so she could visit her sick baby in the hospital in the city wasn’t selfless, either,(I’m such a horrible selfish shit of a human being) and I was in the kitchen preparing the stew for everyone’s dinner and my hubby came in and tried to kick me out of the way so he could make HIS lunch even though I was there *first*, thinking he always comes first, and I’m always the one disrupted, displaced, the least important, and don’t matter, and I feel like the lyric in that Eddy Grant song: “You got me born in the wrong time”, and I defended Muslims online again(because they’re the ones always being attacked and bullied and I won’t stand for it for anyone) when people were burying pigs on grounds they planned on building mosques to deter them and scare them off( they consider pigs to be unclean) not wanting them in their neighbourhoods and not wanting them to build their places of worship and when they saw pigs had “defiled” the land they would change their mind and I said it was racist and hateful(it’s just like saying you don’t want blacks in your neighbourhood or don’t want to live next door to a Chinese) and they accused me of being a “liberal” and I told them I’m the FARTHEST thing from a liberal but I’m NOT a racist, bully, or an Islamophobe, either! When I told the 10 YR old she said, too, “That’s mean!”

Canada also signed a monumental free trade treaty with the European Union which will remove high tariffs, bring more selection of goods, and create many jobs, benefitting both sides and many people here still oppose it as they’re racist and hate any foreign involvement, investment, or trade, nothing but xenophobic bigoted rednecks( I hate this country!) and the 3 elephants at the Toronto Zoo have been sent to San Diego as the animal-rights freaks put up a stink saying they needed a warmer climate even though they’ve been there for 40 YRS and it’s BEEN good enough for 40 YRS yet now all of a sudden it’s not, and there’s concern from others that they might not survive the long 50 HR-something-long drive and I wonder how they’d feel THEN if they DIED during the trip? Animal freaks always have to stir up shit and cause trouble over *something* and just can’t ever leave well enough alone.