Yakking And Nattering.

Screenshot_191 Both my hubby and my mother have insulting terms for my talking. Every time I open my mouth and speak they always refer to it in a negative and derogatory way. He always refers to it as yakking and she always calls it nattering. I think it’s very mean and disrespectful how they always put me down like that and devalue anything and everything that I have to say, whenever I speak, my opinions on anything and everything, every time I open my mouth to speak, whenever any words come out of my mouth, every time I say anything, etc. they always have to have some nasty put-down comment. I’m never “allowed” to just ever talk, voice my opinion, interject into a conversation, speak, be heard, say anything, criticize anything, include myself, or comment about anything in any way without being it dismissed as yakking and nattering. So what they’re basically saying is anything I say, all my speech, any words out of my mouth, is nothing just irritating, annoying, grating noise.

My hubby also likes to specialize in making me look dumb, foolish, inept, wrong, silly, and laughable in front of and to other people and will always say something to put me down, to prove me wrong, to make me look like an idiot, to point out my flaws, etc. in front of other people, and even get them to join in if they’re up for it, otherwise they just say nothing, but I’m always left feeling shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, angry, and picked on. I remember this time as well we went to see a notary for something, a guy from church, and he was just like my hubby and he looked at him and goes(about me) Does she ever stop talking? and my hubby said No, it’s always like this…… and they proceeded to tear me down and I just felt so small and wanted to disappear. I could feel my face turn hot and red, my jaw trembling, trying to hold back the tears of humiliation. I felt like a naughty, scolded child.

I know I do talk alot, but I also know it has to do with my Asperger’s and bipolar. I also know that when I get nervous I tend to prattle on and it’s a common trait of Asperger’s to repeat yourself as well. The thing is, though, that I’m not the only one that’s talkative; other people are as well, incl. in my own family, yet I’m the only one that ever gets hassled and put down for it. No one else talking ever gets called yakking or nattering, just me. It’s also a commonly known fact that most women are known for being talkative, or at least compared to their male counterparts. No one ever wants to hear what I have to say and they’re always trying to shut me up. It feels like anything I have to say doesn’t matter, it isn’t important, no one cares, so what, no one wants to hear it, so just shut up and go away because no one cares about you or what you have to say anyway. They’re always trying to silence me; to erase me.

I Am Pogue.

Screen Shot 08-29-17 at 07.39 PM 001 There was this thing on Facebook that analyzed your profile(although I bet it was probably just random) and comes up with sage advice and a life goal for you, and mine turned out to be eerily just perfect for me, if only I had the courage and the confidence to be  ever actually able to persue my dream goals: to move out away from my toxic family and live independently on my own, learn how to drive a car, and take flying lessons, as I’ve always wanted to be able to fly and seeing the CF-18’s soar across the sky I look up at them and daydream, I wish I could fly one of those, that would be so awesome, and to be able to scream across the sky…  and as we were driving home on the highway yesterday I saw the words Great things are coming on the side of a truck,too, and it struck me as a personal message of hope to me that perhaps there still is hope for my future, that things still can turn around and look up,and maybe it’s never too late to find happiness and love? Maybe one day I’ll finally be free? Maybe I can get my mojo back, find myself again,and be the Old Me again? Have a semblance of my Old Life back? Learn to smile and laugh again? It seems so impossible yet I also know that nothing is impossible with God.

The 22 YR old also finally got a haircut; he found a barber in town he likes and that did it the way he wants and now he looks like my Preppy rich-boy friends from the 80’s, all that’s missing is the pastel shorts, Lacoste polo shirt, cardigan, and deck shoes! The clinic went well yesterday as well and the 14 YR old gained 2 pounds in a week! At first I thought it was a pound but it was 1 kg notpound and a kg is over 2 pounds, so she’s mad, naturally, not wanting to gain any weight, but the rest of us are overjoyed as it means she’s getting healthier and better and closer to her ideal weight! They said the close supervision of meals is what was needed and when they asked her what she thought of that she shrugged in resignation she didn’t like it because now she can’t do ‘bad things’ anymore (such as hiding her food) and it gave everyone a good laugh. The therapist also repeated previous instructions that my hubby is not to talk down to me, belittle or demean me in any way and not to let the kids see him mistreat me like that, and he’s also to tell them to obey me and treat me with respect too,and I’ve noticed in the past week that they haven’t been so mouthy and mean or insulted me or put me down like they usually do and it’s been nice!! I notice absence of the emotional abuse has affected me,too, in a positive way as I feel I’m more joyful now, like I have a spring in my step almost, feel happier, and am in a better mood generally, like it rubbed off on me, and they treat me better then it puts me in a better mood,too.

The Nice Thing.

Screen Shot 07-27-17 at 12.17 PM 001

You’re not going to believe this (because I still don’t!) my mother was nice to me! She even did something nice for me! She brought me this bouquet of sunflowers she knows are my faves. she was out and bought them at the grocery store. I LOVE them, and I’m just speechless too because it’s so unlike her! I put them in a vase in the livingroom, where I often am, so I can see them, but also where others are so they can enjoy them,too. It made me happy getting these, seeing them, and every time I look at them, and they’re such joyful, cheery flowers, sort of how like my spirit was, before it broke, before the light went out. I hope to have them at my funeral,too.They can symbolize how I’ll blossom in Heaven, as well! Tall, confident, blooming, beautiful, cheerful, happy, radiant, bright…

The 10 YR old also walked in and seeing Buddy and I he huffed, Ugh! Ugly mother and her stupid dog! and walked out, and another time I invited him to come swim with me and he spat,You’re  stupid ! Shut-up! when a simple No, or even nicer, No, thank you would do, and my hubby hear everything yet he said nothing ( a better man would have scolded the child, Don’t you talk to your mother like that!) and when I told him, See? This is what I mean and what I get all the time! all he said was It’s over!… except it’s not over; I have to put up with this shit every single day.

As for 3 of the kids proudly celebrating that they “broke” me, friends I’d told about it responded by saying:

  • The kids must have learned that crap from my hubby (RIGHT< THERE!)
  • They would beat their ass and smart mouth
  • I should emancipate them
  • I should take them to court for abuse
  • Abuse is illegal( both physical and emotional)
  • I should get them out of my life
  • That I deserve better
  • That they need to be punished
  • I should have a restraining order in place
  • If the kids disrespect me then I should show their belongings the same respect that they show me
  • That the kids’ future relationships and marriages won’t last as if they don’t respect their mother they won’t respect anyone else

I think it’s unanimous…..we can all agree on:

my kids are assholes!

assholes!

assholes!

Julio And His Friends.

Screen Shot 05-31-17 at 08.42 AM 003

I still remember Julio and his friends. When I was in Cuba every night I would go to the beach to watch the sun set and I would grab a lounge chair and sit underneath my 2 fave. palm trees and one night there was this group of Cubans in their early 20’s I’d guess that worked at the resort and they were having fun in the water, being boisterous, laughing, yelling, joking around, calling out to eachother, and this one guy would leave the group and run to the shore and someone kept calling out to him to come back, Julio! and then in grand style he’d run back to join his friends and do a somersault on the sand halfway into his run and then jump back into the water.  I enjoyed watching Julio and his friends goofing around, cavorting in the water and having fun, and it reminded me of the fun I used to have with my YMCA group and friends and now whenever I think of my Cuba trip I think about Julio and his friends, they have sort of come to symbolize the happiness and joy I felt at the beach, and on my vacation, and they now have become “immortalized” in this blog, even though they have no idea. For me, Julio and his friends are Cuba.

As well, my mother saw the doctor yesterday for her 6 month check-up and she was worried that he’d find something else wrong with her but the only thing was her BP was really low so he lowered her BP meds; that’s it, and my hubby was only able to drive her to her app’t 45 minutes before as he was “too busy” so she had to sit there in the waiting room and wait for 45 minutes! When I said I thought that was unreasonable and too long she shrugged in resignation, I’ve had to wait my whole life; I’m used to it and I told her, That still doesn’t make it right, and he bawled me out,too, because I gave the 14 YR old her lunch 10 minutes early because it best suited my schedule as I was hot and wanted to go in the shade to cool off and he snorted, You just want to go outside? but my plans, schedule, needs, feelings, and routine aren’t important and don’t matter even though it makes more sense for me to give her lunch first and then go out and be able to stay out for awhile rather than to go out for just 10 minutes and then have to come back in again! Besides, we were supposed to divide up and share the job of planning, preparing and serving out all her meals and snacks for her weight restoration between him, my mother, and I but it turned out somehow that I ended up doing it all just myself so he should just shut up!! I’m so sick of his shit.

Screen Shot 06-19-17 at 03.36 PM 001Here’s also a gross picture I took when I noticed how I had my right leg twisted and you could actually see part of the bone popping out! Isn’t that just creepy? Look carefully, do you see it?The 14 YR old is also going to a performing arts camp in Toronto all of July and the 18 YR old is a leader at Cadets camp all summer, and the stupid Kodi for the TV wasn’t working for me yet again (big surprise!) as I was trying to get the news on, and no one would help me and I was getting mad and they were all laughing at me, goading and taunting me and making fun of me and my mother yelled at me, Shut the f*ck up! and the 16 YR old was spraying water at me from a spray bottle thinking that would “shut me up”, and no one ever helps me( my mother said they’re “tired” of always having to help me, well excuse me for being stupid and always needing help) and they always belittle me, berate and criticize me, and make fun of me and I’m just so sick of it! It really tears me down and hurts my feelings.It makes me just want to curl up and withdraw into myself even more and distance myself from them even further. They’re just  all such assholes that treat me like shit and I really don’t belong here where I feel I’m not wanted, loved, valued, respected, treated with dignity and kindness. I so desperately want to leave but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go….. I pray every day that God shows me a way…

Disrespect And Betrayal.

screen-shot-01-15-17-at-02-14-pm My mother and I were fighting yet again and my hubby said in disgust, “you guys always fight about everything!”(this time she was mad I was giving Buddy some fat off the roast) and of course she blamed me like she always does saying that I disrespect her, when really she’s the one who’s always criticizing me, blaming me, putting me down, turning the kids against me, saying everything’s always my fault, over-stepping boundaries with my kids, over-ruling and undermining me with my kids, meddling, siding against me, berating me, etc. and then whenever I say anything about it, defend myself, stand up to her, or complain, somehow that makes me the bad guy and I’m  disrespecting her? I told her that respect has to be earned and that she hasn’t earned it with the way she treats me and she never supports me or takes my side in anything and she said it’s because I’m always wrong and everything’s always my fault. I told her that’s why I don’t even want to be a grandmother,either, because I don’t want to end up like her, not knowing her place with my kids and having them hate me for it,and she snickered, “your kids already hate you anyway!” See what I always have to deal with…..and then she wonders why I have issues with her?

My hubby also unknowingly said something yesterday that clearly  gave me the unmistaken clue  that gave him away indicating to me without question that it was him who informed my mortal enemy where I am and brought them back into my life, presumably to destroy me, and this isn’t the first time he’s betrayed me,either, and I doubt that it will be the last, and I was all dressed in my Sunday Best for church yesterday ,too,and had make up on and had putty styled in my hair to try and look at least half-way decent( as good as it’s going to get) and hoped I didn’t look too much like a troll,and he shrugged, “Still look like a troll”….he’s just so…..awful to me. He’s ruined my life and just makes me soooo miserably unhappy. That’s another thing,too, my mother doesn’t understand why I’m always so depressed and never happy. Are you kidding? With the way they treat me and the way my life is, are they serious?  I’ve been rejected, unloved, unwanted, bullied, and made to feel worthless my entire life and now even by my own family,too; how would they think I’d feel? What do they expect?

If reincarnation turns out to be real and I come back as an animal I’d like to come back as a hippo of course, but if I have to come back again as a person, then I at least want to be pretty, loved, happy, and live in a warm, tropical climate, basically, the complete opposite of the life that I have now. I also think I had another seizure in my sleep last night,too: I woke up during the night biting my tongue, disoriented, and out of sorts, and Buddy had left the bed as well and was sleeping on the floor, which is unusual for him, so it would seem so….

Broken.

Broken(new) The 18 YR old told me once again that I’m “dumb”, a “bad mother”, and sneered to “Get one of the smarter kids to do it for you”, and called it “brutal honesty” when I told him he was being hurtful and cruel,and it hurts how he’s always telling me how stupid I am, what a bad mother I am and how I embarrass him, esp. since we used to be so close once, when he was younger(and he used to be so sweet!) and even when I told him how it makes me feel( I thought perhaps he wasn’t aware of how hurtful he was being and how mean it was) he snickered it made HIM feel GOOD!(to hurt me)which only crushed me even more!! What’s WRONG with him? He’s just a bully! Why does he hate me so much? What have I ever done to him to deserve it? I’m just like Abe’s mother Mary in the “Breaking Amish” TV show I watch; she’s around my age and wants to leave her community just like I wish I could leave my family,life, situation,and circumstances, too, and move out on my own but she(like me) has nowhere to go, no $$$$, no skills,and no support and couldn’t survive on her own and needs someone to take care of her and is forced to stay,helpless and trapped in a life that makes her unhappy.

As for the 18 YR old I know he hates me(just like my hubby does) and resents me  because I’m stupid and limited(due to my Asperger’s) and it’s not fair; I can’t help it, it’s not my fault, and I don’t have any control over it( and if I HAD any CHOICE I wouldn’t want it,either; I don’t like it, didn’t ask for it and wish I wasn’t like this,either) and all my traumas in my life have also beaten me down, broken me and destroyed me,and my last 2 (an enemy threatening us and we had to move under duress and suddenly disappear during the night to safety, and our son having leukemia) just completely gutted me and finished me off so that now there’s nothing left of me anymore; it completely changed me and I’m different now and not even the same person anymore and he hates me and blames me for it. It’s bad enough that I’ve been traumatized and broken by my life but now even my own kids hate me and blame me for it,too! I never should have even HAD kids; they bully me now,too, just like everyone else and I’ve been bullied, abused, victimized,and scapegoated my entire LIFE and now I’m even the family punching bag as well.

The 18 YR old just treats me like crap, insults me, talks back, is mouthy, rude, disrespectful, disobedient,calls me vile names such as “c*nt”, is a bully,  cruel, etc. and then when I protest he yells, “SHUT UP!” to me and screams I’M “obnoxious”, etc. and I can’t take it anymore.He lives here rent-free, doesn’t earn his keep, doesn’t go to school or have a job; all he does all day is play games on his computer and he acts like that and I’ve had enough. His time here is up; he has to get a job and move OUT. I’m NOT putting up with him and his attitude anymore and I want him out. I also pray to God to let me see the value and worth in myself that He does because I don’t see it.

************************************************************************

As well,the pool guys came about the leak and as it turns out the lever on the filter was just loose and in-between the “back wash” and “filter” setting so when we THINK we have it on “filter”(the everyday setting to run the pump) when we switch it back after back washing it’s REALLY more back washing and draining out the water and THAT’S why we’ve been losing so much water every day, our satellite was out for 12 HRS and when it did come back all the TV shows set to record on the PVR were still all there….except for MY 2 shows, of course; mine were the only ones that had to be re-set(it figures); I’m cursed with bad luck and the PVR hates me, my mother’s now buying baked goods from the Black Market Bakery; the guy who sells baked goods out of the back of his car to the neighbours and he sells everything for a dollar each; a dollar per cake, a dollar per bag of buns, a dollar per pack of muffins, etc, Toronto had a bad storm and flash flooding; the worst ever and got 126 mm rain in a DAY; as much as they get in 2 MONTHS(we never even got any rain at all), and between that, the floods in Alberta, and the train derailment and explosion and fire in Quebec(the cargo was crude oil) that destroyed pretty well an entire town I wonder if God is somehow punishing this country for being so liberal and  immoral, and I saw on the news they’re doing some memorial for the military that were killed in Afghanistan and I wondered what about the thousands of innocents civilians THEY killed over THERE; what are they doing to remember and honour THEM?(I bet nothing) and my hubby bought the 6 YR old a new bike,too, even though everyone else just got them passed down( only the oldest boy and girl got new ones and then they were passed down, donated, or bought used  at garage sales) even though it cost 80$ we don’t have to spare( and I thought he’d get it second-hand or at least on sale) and the 10 YR old doesn’t have a bike that fits her, either( the ones we have are all either too big or too small; she’s in-between) yet he didn’t get anything for her….

Shattered.

ShatteredGlass I’m shattered. Once again my family is being cruel to me.  I had a problem with sending mail(I used the wrong envelope; the kind with the clear front, and put it in facing the wrong way and didn’t realize it until I’d already sealed it and then couldn’t get it open again) and I was mad at myself for always struggling with everything all the time and life being such a challenge for me with my Asperger’s and my mother  yelled, “Stop acting so stupid!” and I explained for the millionth time I have a hard time functioning and she sneered,”Well then it’s a good thing that you don’t HAVE to!” and I told her I wish I COULD and that my greatest wish is to move out and live on my own except with my limits I couldn’t function independently or survive on my own( I don’t understand everyday life skills such as paying bills, taxes, banking, bus routes,etc.) and she also went on how she hates it that I “always repeat myself” even when they tell me to stop when it’s an Asperger’s thing as well and I can’t help it and I don’t like it either and I wish I COULD just cut it out of myself but I can’t. Making me feel even worse about myself than I already do.Then she says that “Lots of other people have it alot worse!”(so much for validation and support!) and I told her,”Lots of  other people have it alot  BETTER,too!” I have had ALOT of shit, hardship, abuse, trauma,trials,and misfortunes in my life and I have the right to feel the way I do.

As well, the 18 YR old continues to be mouthy, talk back, be disrespectful, and insult me as always. He calls me vile vulgar names like “cunt” and “whore” on a regular basis, mocks and ridicules me, makes fun of my religious beliefs, told my hubby,”She should act her age!” and today REALLY tore into me: when I was speaking he taunted,”Caw,caw!” heckling me like I sound like a crow and when I defended myself he attacked me sneering that I’m “stupid”, “useless”, a “failure”, a “bad mother”, my “kids all hate me”,  and I “DESERVED it when my enemy tried to destroy me.” That was the last straw and the worst thing that anyone could have EVER said to me; when my enemy came after me(and we had to move to flee the danger) it destroyed me emotionally and psychologically so badly that I’ve never been the same since and I lost a part of myself that I’ll never get back and I’ll never be the same again. NO ONE deserves what we went thru; NO ONE ,and saying that is as  bad as telling me that I deserved for my kids to die. It’s that bad. I agree I AM stupid, a failure, a bad mother, etc. but I DID NOT deserve what my enemy did to me. I was so shattered he would say such a thing I cried like I never have before.It felt like my heart was just ripping out of my chest. What’s wrong with him to say such a thing? What have I ever done to him to deserve him to treat me like this? Why does he hate me so much? Why is he so heartless and cruel?

Both my mother and I want him out.NOW. He’ll be 19 this YR and he’s aimless and has no plans and no contributions; he’s not in school or working and contributes nothing to this family; all he does is play online games all day. We want him to pursue post-secondary education but he has no interests. We want him to get a job but there’s nothing here in this hick-ass town. He lives here rent-free and he treats me like this and I’ve had enough. I’m NOT putting up with this abuse any more.It’s time he gets a job and moves out on his own. Who is HE to call me or anyone else useless? I’ve had 11 kids, raised and homeschooled them,and what has HE done? I refuse to do this anymore and I refuse to be treated like this in my own home and esp. by a freeloader like him. I don’t need this, I really don’t. My life sucks enough as it is and I don’t need him always reminding me of how much of a failure I am, driving me even closer to suicide. I’m already seriously thinking of doing it as it is and now I’m even closer. Why not? What have I got to live for,anyway? I hate my family(and they hate me) and my life and there’s no reason I should just keep on with this day after day after day with no hope of improvement. Every night I pray God takes me in my sleep and every morning I wake up mad I’m still alive. I can’t even begin to describe how miserably unhappy I am and how much I hate and regret my life, and having no support(only blame ,criticism and ridicule) only makes it worse.

I’m shattered and there’s no  way to put the pieces back together again.

Haircut.

ArmyBuzzCut Our 15 YR old told me to “Go F*ck yourself!”(his excuse being that I’m “so annoying”) so I decided to not cut his hair(that he needed for Cadets) since I’m tired of being treated like that and he has to show some respect and has to learn that there’s consequences to talking to me like that and that if he treats me like that I don’t have to do things for him,either. I don’t have to put up with it, and he needs to learn a lesson so instead of me cutting his hair for free like I always do he had to go to the salon using his OWN $$$$ to pay for it AND they ended up cutting it alot shorter than he wanted(like the photo seen here) too! I may NOT be able to stop him from being mouthy(which my mother excuses as ” just his opinion”) but I CAN refuse to cut his hair as a result. When I was a kid and a teen I NEVER mouthed off or swore at my mother like that,and even now as an adult I still don’t call her names like “whore” or “c*nt” like he and the 18 YR old call me. No one should speak to their mother like that,period but they copy the way my mother and hubby treat me.

As well, the 5 YR old tried to stab the 11 YR old in the eye with a pen(there’s seriously something wrong with that kid!) and hid his “swear chart” and as always my mother blamed the 9 YR old; somehow when he’s bad it’s always someone else’s fault, never his, she always blames other people(she says THEY must have “started” it , “provoked” HIM or “set” HIM up),and she even got the 11 and 13 YR olds to side with her,too ,and they say that I’M “mean” to him and “emotionally abuse” him because I punish him,too! She also said we won’t be opening up the pool this YR until JULY( instead of May like usual) as it costs so much to run it (the water, chemicals, electricity,etc.) and we just can’t afford it now and the kids and I are devastated.

In the news they said the Finance Minister ordered a bank( who had lowered the mortgage rate) with a stern phone call to put it back UP again and they DID so now he’s under fire by the Opposition Parties, rightfully so, as it’s “Banana Republic” policies and more tactics of a fascist Police State; the gov’t should NOT be dictating to and meddling with banks and private business! This will only make home ownership even more unaffordable to even more people! If they want people to get out of debt what they should be doing is lowering taxes; we are one of the highest taxed countries in the world! Canada sucks! I wish I could move except I can’t afford it! USA also referred to Israel as their “closest ally” as well so what happened to us? I thought we were their closest ally? I guess they just kicked us to the ground, or else they’re “fair weather friends”, or just use people to their own advantage, and when they get what they want they just toss them aside and find someone else they can get something from?(In Israel’s case, likely an ally to wage war in the Middle East against the Muslims) Although, if I were them, I wouldn’t like us,either, though!