It Doesn’t Matter.

Buddy7 I took these shots of Buddy and I sitting out in the backyard just snuggling on the porch swing enjoying what we can of the last of the mild weather before it gets too cold to be outdoors, and I was just loving on him, thanking God for him, being grateful for him in my life,savouring the moment, and the 11 YR old saw this photo and goes, You look like an old man!  and it got me thinking, I know, I’ve been told many times I look like a man, look like an old man, look like a dyke, look like an old lesbian, etc. but to Buddy it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter.

He loves me anyway. Just as I am.

Buddy8

It doesn’t matter that I look like a man in drag.

Or that I weigh as much as a hippo, and that I’m crazy, that I’m broken, damaged, traumatized,

and love the ganja.

or that I can’t do math in my head( or any other way, for that matter)

It doesn’t matter that people find me irritating and annoying.

It doesn’t matter that I’m not smart, I’m a mess,or that I struggle with everything

or that I’ve never been popular and that no

one loves me except for him.

It doesn’t matter that I fail at everything I try and

that I sing out loud even though I can’t sing.

It doesn’t matter that I’m perfectly imperfect.

He loves me anyway.

Just as I am.

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It doesn’t matter

that he’s old and grey now

or that he hobbles and limps along slowly,

or that he has a big lump under his eye, and

has death-breath that could be classified as a biological weapon.

It doesn’t matter that his farts smell like skunk

or that he’s missing teeth

and always steals my spot on the couch

or sometimes shits on the carpet when he has diarrhrea.

I love him just the way he is.

To me he’s perfect.

Warrior.

Screenshot_1176 I was thinking how I’ve always wanted to escape from myself and my life, to be someone else, to run away from myself, to reinvent myself, to start over, to be a different person, to get away from who I am, to not be that same person that was bullied, victimized, and abused, to not be her, to be someone different, to erase the past hurts, trauma,and pain, to move past, to get rid of who I was, to be another person, etc? I just realized why? What exactly am I running from? What am I so ashamed of? What do I so desperately need to escape? What do I need to forget and reinvent? Why do I have to not be her anymore? Why do I need to change? What do I have to be so afraid of?

I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, and, in fact, I was the victim. It wasn’t my fault that I’ve been molested, abused, bullied, rejected, victimized most of my life, and had a life of constant trauma, misfortune, crisis,despair, disappointment, and unhappiness. In fact, I am a survivor. I am a warrior. I have fought many battles and I have won. I have come out victorious. I have fought, been knocked down, defeated, beaten down,and come back up again,even stronger. I am like the phoenix rising from the flames. I am battle-scarred, beaten,and weary, but I’m still standing. I am still alive. I am still here. I have survived. I am victorious. I am a victorious warrior who has fought many battles in life and I’ve endured and I’ve survived and I’ve won. The battles have come and gone but I’m still here. 

She’s a warrior and there’s no shame in that.She was forced to fight to survive, to defend herself, in battles she did not choose. She did nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide, nothing to run away from. I am still her, that same little girl I always was, that same homely, awkward, lonely, weird kid that never fit in and that was always singled out for ridicule and attack,and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with being her and now I’m also grown up and I’m a seasoned warrior . I can protect her now and I don’t have to be scared to be her anymore. I can be her, embrace her, accept her, take pride in her, forgive her, understand her,defend her, and not have to be ashamed of her, hide from her, or run from her.

Screenshot_1175 I also got sunflowers! My mother picked them up at the grocery. I just love them. My cousins are also on their way back home to Europe and did so many things while they were here and had a good holiday,and my hubby’s also giving away lots of our furniture(he even wants to get rid of the nice brass bed we’ve had since I was 18,too,and to me it has sentimental value) and packing up boxes of stuff off shelves and bookcases like we’re moving except that we have no place to go to; we haven’t put the house up yet and have nowhere to move to so I think it’s mostly just wishful thinking now on his part as my mother’s only going to agree to move at this point if we can save $$$$$ and down-size, getting more $$$$ selling this place as well as enough for moving expenses than we’ll have to put out buying another house and it doesn’t look like that’s very likely going to happen.Also: frying up liver for Buddy I had to wear full-face goggles to cover up my nose so I wouldn’t smell the revolting stench and puke. We have a warning for funnel-clouds in the area as well so maybe we’ll get a tornado? It would be weird if I died today though as 29 July is a special day for me as it was on 29 July 1979 I got my first dog. ♥

Legalize it!

LegalizeWeed It’s official! The gov’t announced it: recreational weed will be legalized on 17 October! (It’s already legal for medical purposes, such as what I have and use it for). The date is significant too, at least for us, as it’s the day right in-between 2 of the kids’ birthdays; the oldest’s and the fifth child’s! Wasn’t that just so thoughtful and considerate of them to do it on that day? It was originally supposed to be on 1 July but you know everything with the gov’t always takes longer. Peter Tosh would be so pleased: it’ll be legalized! I can just imagine on 17 October this huge haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in unison!  😀

Screenshot_809 They said on the news as well this country will only be the second country in the world to legalize it(after the Netherlands) along with several U.S states. Usually we’re one of the last to do or get anything and always lag behind other countries in progress and availability of goods and services so it’s a surprise that this time we’re actually one of the first. Soon you will be able to go to dispensaries anywhere and buy it(and in Newfoundland they will even be selling it in the grocery store, so you can pick it up at the same time along with your bread and milk), although they will still be controlled and regulated by the gov’t(and only by certain approved gov’t issued growers and suppliers) because Big Brother always has to interfere with, oversee and control everything in our lives, Nanny State that it is. Free the ganja!

As well, yesterday my hubby had to go to Toronto for work( he’s already started his new job!) and he was gone all day and I never even saw him all day and it was a nice break for me and much less stress with him not here, other than the 11 YR old who had this major blind rage screaming and melting down(even threatening to kill everyone!) being told he had to help the other kids clean(since it is their mess , all their toys and crap all over the place) in preparation for moving(he’s been so pampered and spoiled by my mother he doesn’t think he should have to do any work) and the other kids call it his Autistic  Freak-outs, and one thing I actually will miss about the country(even though I’m glad to be moving back to a city again) when we move is the nice country smell in the summer; the smell of wildflowers, clover, and milkweed. It always reminds me of the cottage when I was a kid and brings back happy childhood memories.

I also think the neighbours next door must have a kennel, or more likely, a puppy mill, knowing them, as every time anyone goes near their driveway area you can hear all kinds of dogs barking like crazy and it sounds like there’s so many, like at least a couple of dozen of them and they sound like they’re all different sized dogs,too, common in a puppy mill,various breeds, and equally suspicious is even though I often hear all the barking(and the 23 YR old said he’s heard it as well so I know I’m not hallucinating or imagining it) I’ve never actually seen any of the dogs, never seen any of them running out in the yard or being taken out for a walk; it’s like they’re all being hidden away inside…. I wonder…

SayWhat It’s one of those things that makes you go……hmmmmmm….

 

He’s Finally Going To Get Laid!!

TrumpHump Buddy’s wish is finally going to come true; he’s finally going to get laid!He’s desperate to get laid and at almost 12 years old( next week) he doesn’t want to die a virgin and the poor desperate old dog is always humping my leg and Patti sent me a message yesterday saying her female Dachshund is in heat and she’s thinking of breeding her and asked if Buddy was up for it and I replied, Are you kidding? It’s his dream come true! The standard breeding transaction for the stud dog owner is they either get the first choice of puppy from the litter or are paid a stud fee, the equal cost of one puppy and of course the first thing my mother said was about getting the stud fee and was adamant about no more dogs(even though Buddy’s the only dog for me and I don’t want any more dogs and he’d be so jealous anyway) but I wasn’t even thinking of charging her a stud fee; we’re friends and I’m just going to do it because it would make Buddy happy and help her out financially (as she’d make $$$$ selling the puppies.) I can’t wait to see the puppies later though; mini versions of Buddy, mini- Buddys walking around, his progeny to carry on. ♥

I also went to church yesterday instead of today because I knew we were getting freezing rain today and there’s no way I can walk in that, and for Valentine’s Day they had married couples re-newing their vows and there I was, sitting there all alone, and as I was listening to it it literally made me feel sick imagining saying that to my hubby again, it made me shudder, he treats me so terribly and has ruined my life. Meeting him was the worst thing I ever did and my biggest loss in life is never finding love or having romance. The best thing I ever did was getting Buddy. I regret having kids too, although not my kids personally (even though they do treat me like shit) but rather just the idea of having kids in general and what it does to your relationships and your life, and if you have a choice between having kids or getting a dog, go with the dog. Unlike kids, dogs won’t stop loving you once they grow up. They remain loyal  and loving. They won’t suddenly  wake up one day and decide they  hate you. A dog is the most selfless creature created and exists solely to love.

I also went to trim my hair and noticed that both (different measurements) the clips on my clippers are broken, most of the “prongs” in the clippers have been broken off, with only 2-3 left on each, leaving me unable to shave my hair, no doubt one of the kids did; they’re always sabotaging and ruining my stuff to get me mad. The 14 and 16 year olds and my hubby always mock my brain decline and Asperger’s as well and call me Groundhog Day after that dumb movie, because I keep repeating things, the 16 YR old scoffed to me that I’m probably a lesbian and says Buddy and I have sex,too,  and after I’d said or done something deemed stupid my hubby snarled You’re just being you, even though I don’t know who else to be, and the 14 and 16 YR olds were complaining about our “ghetto” dishes too as we have plastic and paper cups and plates, kids’ Spider-Man The Incedibles, Strawberry Shortcake, etc. plates, and can never find utensils and nothing matches so they went to the thrift store ( I call the Peasant store) the only place we can afford to shop and bought some dishes. My mother also said she’s ashamed we’re so short of $$$ we have to ration food to make sure there’s enough for everyone and on the news they said the average family here spends 500$ a month on groceries too when we spend that much on food a week!! I have to replace the leads on my heart monitor after a bath as well and hook it back up but I had no trouble finding the right spots as there was still big red circles left behind on my skin from the old ones so I knew where they go.

 

 

 

 

Chicken Hearts.

ChickenHearts Ooooooh, doesn’t this just look “delicious?” They’re chicken hearts! Buddy hasn’t been eating dog food now for a couple of months, not moist or kibble, it’s almost as if he can smell or sense something rotten in it and won’t touch it, but he eats stuff I give him, so he’s not sick, so now I feed him real meat (I know, he’s spoiled) chicken hearts, stewing beef, and liver, plus any left-overs we have such as deli meat, hotdogs, ground beef, roast, etc. I had the option of boiling the hearts which would take an hour, or frying them which takes 5 minutes or so, so I chose the frying.(why make more work for yourself or take longer if you don’t have to, right?) and besides, standing at the stove boiling hearts I would feel like a witch or a voodoo priestess or something stirring my cauldron of spells.

When they were fried they turned a grey colour and looked like toes, or finger tips but once I cut them in half so they’re bite-sized portions for him they looked like mushrooms so to try not to gross myself out handling them I just tried to convince myself they were mushrooms. I’m just frying mushrooms. I’m just cutting mushrooms. I’m just touching mushrooms. They’re just mushrooms… at least they thankfully didn’t reek and stink up the entire house cooking like liver does! I must have had 60 or so hearts in there, hopefully it will last him a week. As well as always tormenting my dog now the 10 YR old also tried to kill the 16 year old’s hamster ,too, trying to stab it with a knife! I swear to God that kid needs help but no one ever listens to me and they just blow off anything I say or any concerns that I have….

My hubby and the girls also went up to Ottawa for the weekend for the 16 YR old’s cheerleading competition. Due to our past there with our enemy that threatened our family and we had to move and caused us to live hiding and in fear for years I can never go back there to Ottawa ever again with those memories and why we had to leave; it would trigger back my PTSD again, but I am slowly healing as at least now they no longer have that same grip over me that they once did and I no longer live in fear of them; I just don’t even care anymore. That incident doesn’t define me or my life anymore and it’s no longer going to have a hold over me or affect me now. I’m not giving them that control.

One of my cousins in Europe also said that she had an ovarian cyst removed too; that she had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when she was younger and it caused her abdomenal pain as well, like with me, so I wonder if there’s maybe some genetic link? My mother also asked me how I slept that night, before hearing my scan results, knowing I may have been told I had cancer, but actually I slept well( for once) because I don’t care. Most people don’t want to have cancer but for me it would actually be a blessing. It would finally be an answer to my prayer, my way out! I’d have to think of a different way to kill myself the next time ( and I’m sure that there will be a next time  at some point, there always is and I’ve already tried 6 times or so) though because I’ve used up all my pills I’d had saved, so maybe I could hang myself but then again I figured with my “luck” with my weight the ceiling fan would probably come crashing down and part of the ceiling with it, so I wouldn’t even be able to hang myself successfully…that sounds like me.

 

The Dog.

Screen Shot 12-07-17 at 06.24 PM My family broke my heart today talking about how Buddy’s old and going to die soon (he’ll be 12 in the new year although Dachshunds can live up to 15-17 years old,too) and they were discussing his “replacement”. I don’t even want to think about that; he’s my best friend, my sweet little companion, the only light and joy in my life, what keeps me going, the reason to get up every day, my reason to live, and if I didn’t have him in my life anymore I would have no one to love me, nothing left, and nothing to live for. Life without Buddy in it wouldn’t be any life at all. God knew how much I needed him and needed him in my life, he literally saved my life, and if he’s gone I would just be so lost, so shattered, so devastated, so desolate, so crushed, so heartbroken, so alone. No one and nothing could ever “replace” him. He’s one of a kind and the best dog I’ve ever had. My life would be so empty without him but I certainly would still want to get another dog though, as I need someone to love, to dote on, to look after, to be my companion and friend, to keep me company, to talk to, to cuddle with, to  give and receive affection, to share my life with. I need a friend. I need love.

So my hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds were discussing his “replacement” and the girls were saying which breeds of dogs they like and my hubby kept saying they were too big and he prefers small dogs and my mother said no more dogs at all, and then I would be utterly alone and have nothing and no one. I said since Buddy’s my dog and I’m the one that’s responsible for taking care of him and that does all the work( feeding, bathing, walks, etc.) that I’d be the one who gets to choose the next dog and I want a Chihuahua like I had as a teen, as they’re small, easy to care for, require little food and exercise and also happen to be my fave. breed and give me good happy memories of a happier time, plus I’d also get an older dog, an adult that’s already housebroken, but they turned their noses up in revulsion saying they hate Chihuahuas and they’re “ugly”, etc.. but it would be my dog and I’m the one taking care of it. They were also insulting how much I love Buddy and even suggesting disgusting things like we do gross sexual stuff. They’re just sick. They won’t ever leave me alone. They won’t even let me have my dog to love without mocking it, twisting it around, making fun of it, trying to take it away from me, deny me it, and degrading it.I can’t even love my dog without them tearing it down.

It just breaks my heart how once again my family has no regard for my feelings, what I need, and what’s important to me. This is the ONE THING THAT MATTERS MOST TO ME IN MY LIFE is that I have a dog, a best friend to hang out with, to love,and be my companion,someone who loves me back, basically my life-saver.Honestly, it’s like a therapy dog I need for my emotional well-being. It would be bad enough to lose Buddy but if they wouldn’t even let me get another dog to help ease my grief and loss at least, to at least attempt at some healing by having another dog to love then there’s no chance for me at all. I’m done. I’d have nothing left anymore and I’m not sure what hurts even more; the loss and aching I’d feel in my heart and in my life; how deep that pain would be, or the fact that my family knows this(and what effect it would have and what it would do to me) but still don’t care; even though they know I’d completely fall apart they still say they won’t “let” me get a Chihuahua, despite how much it means to me.I am invisible in this family. I have no say, no voice. I don’t count or matter. Like I said, my dog is the only one that loves me, and without him I’d have no one. I just hope and pray I die  first, before Buddy does.

3 Dogs.

Screen Shot 11-23-17 at 06.39 PM I was thinking about the mystery going on in our neighbourhood, how Donna told me that 2 of her dogs were poisoned and so were dogs of 2 of her other neighbours and that someone’s been putting rat poison in dog owner’s yards to kill their dogs. When I was talking to her earlier we were trying to figure out who it might be and the more I thought about it I think I may have figured it out:

Donna has an ongoing feud with her next-door neighbour, something about how he leaves his truck running all hours of the night(he’s a trucker and works all hours) and her husband can’t sleep it’s so noisy,and they in turn, complain about her dogs barking, so she assumed it must be them…except that their dogs were also poisoned,too, so it doesn’t make any sense, along with another neighbour’s dog as well. She guessed maybe the guy behind her(who also faces behind us from another side) since they’re the only new people that moved in recently,and, according to her,anyway, they’re not very friendly.

Since a criminal in any given neighbourhood will commonly commit a pattern of crime (esp. such as arson,vandalism, or robbery) in a triangle-shape location, within their own neighbourhood, with the victims being located at the 3 points of the triangle and along the perimter and the bad guy lives in the middle…and based on those calculations that puts Donna’s house and her feuding neighbour as the 2 points at the bottom of the triangle and another neighbour at the point at the top…..and the people that live behind us(behind our backyard where the pool is) are right in the centre…. the “newest” to move in, the unfriendly ones……so are they the culprits, I wonder? They also are located behind Donna and right across the street from the other….and I also realized….all of the targets have 3 dogs each! So, are they maybe just targeting homes with more than one dog, because, say, they’re noisier with all the barking (let’s face it, once one of them gets going, they all do) and this house is surrounded by homes on all sides who have 3 dogs each, or are they targeting any household that has a dog, even if they only have one? I even wondered at first if maybe(instead of intentionally trying to poison and  kill dogs) it was bait put out for the raccoons and the pet dogs got it by mistake but that might explain why one it might happen to, but who would put it in all of their neighbours’ yards,too? Just to be extra cautious though I don’t even let Buddy go out in the backyard anymore, just for walks out the front with me on the leash, where I can watch him and monitor his every move and make sure that he doesn’t lick or eat anything.