I was thinking how I’ve always wanted to escape from myself and my life, to be someone else, to run away from myself, to reinvent myself, to start over, to be a different person, to get away from who I am, to not be that same person that was bullied, victimized, and abused, to not be her, to be someone different, to erase the past hurts, trauma,and pain, to move past, to get rid of who I was, to be another person, etc? I just realized why? What exactly am I running from? What am I so ashamed of? What do I so desperately need to escape? What do I need to forget and reinvent? Why do I have to not be her anymore? Why do I need to change? What do I have to be so afraid of?
I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, and, in fact, I was the victim. It wasn’t my fault that I’ve been molested, abused, bullied, rejected, victimized most of my life, and had a life of constant trauma, misfortune, crisis,despair, disappointment, and unhappiness. In fact, I am a survivor. I am a warrior. I have fought many battles and I have won. I have come out victorious. I have fought, been knocked down, defeated, beaten down,and come back up again,even stronger. I am like the phoenix rising from the flames. I am battle-scarred, beaten,and weary, but I’m still standing. I am still alive. I am still here. I have survived. I am victorious. I am a victorious warrior who has fought many battles in life and I’ve endured and I’ve survived and I’ve won. The battles have come and gone but I’m still here.
She’s a warrior and there’s no shame in that.She was forced to fight to survive, to defend herself, in battles she did not choose. She did nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide, nothing to run away from. I am still her, that same little girl I always was, that same homely, awkward, lonely, weird kid that never fit in and that was always singled out for ridicule and attack,and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with being her and now I’m also grown up and I’m a seasoned warrior . I can protect her now and I don’t have to be scared to be her anymore. I can be her, embrace her, accept her, take pride in her, forgive her, understand her,defend her, and not have to be ashamed of her, hide from her, or run from her.
I also got sunflowers! My mother picked them up at the grocery. I just love them. My cousins are also on their way back home to Europe and did so many things while they were here and had a good holiday,and my hubby’s also giving away lots of our furniture(he even wants to get rid of the nice brass bed we’ve had since I was 18,too,and to me it has sentimental value) and packing up boxes of stuff off shelves and bookcases like we’re moving except that we have no place to go to; we haven’t put the house up yet and have nowhere to move to so I think it’s mostly just wishful thinking now on his part as my mother’s only going to agree to move at this point if we can save $$$$$ and down-size, getting more $$$$ selling this place as well as enough for moving expenses than we’ll have to put out buying another house and it doesn’t look like that’s very likely going to happen.Also: frying up liver for Buddy I had to wear full-face goggles to cover up my nose so I wouldn’t smell the revolting stench and puke. We have a warning for funnel-clouds in the area as well so maybe we’ll get a tornado? It would be weird if I died today though as 29 July is a special day for me as it was on 29 July 1979 I got my first dog. ♥