Anti-Christ?

Screen Shot 08-19-17 at 08.25 AM 001 With US President Trump acting like he’s an emperor, defending white supremacists, supporting Confederate symbols(which symbolize hate, racism, slavery,and oppression) and hating Muslims, Mexicans, immigrants, etc. and almost provoking a nuclear war with North Korea it got me wondering: I wonder if he maybe made a deal with the Devil and that’s how he got elected, against all odds, and that he’s perhaps even the Anti-Christ? He’s certainly causing enough division, strife, hate,political unrest, and chaos, the exact thing that delights Satan, so perhaps he really is one of his minions, that he really did sell his soul to the devil? It really wouldn’t surprise me, esp. since I heard people that knew him previously said that he wasn’t like that before and that this isn’t the person they once knew…. absolute power corrupts absolutely…. how much more will this dickhead have to possibly do before they finally impeach him? Everyone’s also either quitting or getting fired left, right,and centre that works for him and it’s only been a few months he’s been in office and already look at all the trouble he’s caused….

I also think I figured out where I got Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty from: perhaps it’s my Heavenly name, and I am a child of God, a daughter of the King, and the King’s daughter would be a princess! A butterfly also landed on me and it happens alot; I think I must attract them, and I finally got to see our new priest and he’s 32 and a nice-looking Italian guy, I’m hoping as well maybe I’ll die tomorrow, the day of the solar eclipse, so I can go out in style, with a bang, at a memorable date, and often lately it seems that it’s close and the Other Side is so close I can almost reach out and touch it. Yesterday on weed I also noticed as I was going into another dimension my hearing aid was picking up another frequency and I heard a high-pitched sound and started to feel “funny”, like I was floating away and Buddy could sense it too and he kept pawing at me and whining.

The 18 YR old’s BF was also hit by a car riding his bike! He didn’t have lights or reflectors on his bike and he was riding on an unlit country road at night (not exactly the smartest idea) and the car didn’t see him and hit him and knocked him off his bike and ran over his leg and broke it….he’s lucky that’s all that happened to him….hopefully now he has lights on his bike, and I hope he was wearing a helmet! Holy shit! I still remember one of the oldest’s friends when he was 12 was hit by a car riding his bike and almost died and had to be revived a couple of times. He was in really bad shape. It was horrific, and he was in the hospital a long time, but he survived, and now he’s married and has a baby!

My mother also cruelly taunted me that while I’m away all day at the Ex they’ll be having Butter chicken for dinner, my fave. food and I won’t get any, which I thought was really mean; mean to have it on a day I’m not there so I miss out when she knows it’s my fave, and then even meaner to tell me! Why did she have to go and do that for,and then to tell me, just to get me upset? Then when I did get upset and told her that was a mean thing to say and do she snarked, and if you don’t shut up about it you won’t get any next time,either! and then her and my hubby berate me for having a hissy-fit. Yup, that’s right, she’s the one being mean and purposely brings up something solely with the intention to get me mad when she never had to say anything at all yet it’s my fault for getting  upset? The 16 YR old also threatened to shave Buddy bald when I’m gone,too.  I hate my family.

I think more and more my hubby is slowly poisoning me as well. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve lost a massive amount of weight in the past 6 months ( 50 pounds!) without dieting or trying in any way, and I still continue to lose weight at an alarming rate, and I have other symptoms( I Googled it) of poisoning for months ,too, incl. seizures, abdomenal pain, headaches,diarrhrea, dizziness, extreme fatigue, liver and kidney issues, confusion(like in church today I thought the people behind me were speaking French when it was actually English and one time the 18 YR old was talking I couldn’t understand her; it sounded like jibberish) nausea,lethargy, coughing, etc… and he even said before that he was going to kill me off for my life insurance $$$$ and I don’t think he was joking,either…..so just in case I do die sometime soon, have them check for poisoning. He must be either slipping it into my Diet Pepsi or my cannabis oil, and when I confronted him about it he accused me of poisoning myself and setting him up for it, which, I can assure you, I am not. It just makes me wonder,and he does hate me and wants me gone, plus this way they’d have $$$$ to move(and get a house with one less bedroom too with me gone) and be rid of me at the same time…..so…..they’d be better off without me too and I’d also finally be free….I’d rather not be murdered though and if he is, I hope he doesn’t get away with it! Is he up to something….or has he just made me paranoid? Look what he’s done to me……  😦

 

 

Nuclear War?

Sooooo, guess what that crackpot Trump has gone and done now? He’s not only provoked North Korea but has now even threatened them with nuclear war with his bluster and tough talk, about “fire and fury” he’ll send upon them like never seen before. All this due to North Korea testing it’s ballistic missiles….just like every other country also does, incl. USA, yet for some reason USA has declared itself(once again) Policeman of the World and decided that North Korea is not allowed to, as if someone made them boss of the world, and then threatened them by basically declaring an act of war, with North Korea responding in kind by saying they’ll send missiles to Guam, which is an American territory in the South Pacific (close to the Korean penninsula) where they have a military base.

and so now the whole world sits on edge.

I’d hopefully think that cooler heads will prevail and this is all just nothing more than bluster, sabre rattling, and tough talk, but that nothing more will come out of it, esp. since tiny North Korea, despite it’s military capabilities, will be obliterated by American forces, and the same story keeps on repeating itself over and over again in history every few years: Imperialist war-mongering USA bullies a much smaller nation, usually with no one else coming to it’s defense(and who’s going to stand up for North Korea?), and no one has the courage to stand up to them, but Kim Jong Un is not someone who seems to put up with that shit and has the balls to stand up to them(and I admire him for that), but hopefully no one will take it to actual war, esp. nuclear war which would be catastrophic and not beneficial to anybody.

I remember the last time I feared the real possibility of a nuclear war was in the 1980’s when that looney Reagan was the American President and tensions were high between USA and USSR during the Cold War. I, of course, was on Russia’s side, naturally, old Soviet guard that I am, and even now my hubby are on opposite sides politically(we can’t agree on anything, although we are both committed to being united and  working together to help the 14 YR old in her recovery); he says North Korea started it and “asked” for it by testing missiles, but they’re not doing anything any other country doesn’t also do, so why are they only being singled out, and USA started it by threatening them first. I’m not a fan of the Kim regime, but I also don’t like to see The Little Guy being bullied by The Big Guy and I’m sick and tired of USA and their interference and war-mongering in other countries.

As well, I was woken up at 3 am with that bad headache, which I still have now, and nothing, I mean nothing gets rid of it, making me suspect that there might be something more going on, like perhaps an impending stroke  or aneurysm, or perhaps even a brain tumour or something, and I went to the lab and had blood work done as well( maybe that will give us some idea?) and the 10 YR old thought that they took all of my blood out and drained me dry! He also snarked to me, No one loves you anyway! and even told my hubby to shut up! and he got mad….how dare he talk to him like that…..yet they talk to me like that all the time and no one cares, and the 14 YR old(when I reminded her about something) yelled at me, You can shut-up now, ok? and the 16 YR old scoffed, Just because you have a bath every day doesn’t mean you don’t stink! and my hubby says the coconut oil I use as a moisturizer “reeks” even though coconut smells good. Why do they always have to insult me like that and talk to me that way?

The therapist at the clinic also phoned and wanted to talk to me but I have nothing to say to her and didn’t want to talk; she just stresses me out and I’m still trying to recover from the session on Tuesday which really broke me hard and made me feel like I was being almost interrogated, esp. since I was the only one being grilled and singled-out for criticism and blame, and it’s harmful to my own mental and emotional health, so she ended up sending me an e-mail instead and she apologized for making me feel like shit and said that wasn’t the intention but said therapy is “hard” but did agree that she was “harsh” on me and could see why I felt that way, and asked that I return so I told her I’m willing to try one more time but if I feel overwhelmed or under attack again I’m just going to get up and leave the room and walk right out the door as I refuse to subject myself to anything that makes me feel even worse about myself and jeopardizes my own recovery, and that I try to avoid conflict, not engage in situations that will increase my stress.

I saw singer Sinead O’ Connor’s public plea on Facebook as well where she says that if you are mentally ill that everyone just invalidates anything you say, think, feel, etc.. and spending your life just trying to stay alive every day is NOT living, and she’s so right. I could so relate to her struggle and what she was saying. It’s almost like we live parallel lives and her family treats her like shit and hates her and blames her for her illness just like mine does to me for mine,too; there are so many similarities I could really relate to her tearful video and I just felt to badly for her and her need to be loved, understood, supported, and just to be treated with some human kindness and compassion.

Trump.

Screen Shot 06-07-17 at 08.01 PM I’m no fan of Donald Trump but I still think what Kathy Griffin did with her “beheaded” Trump for a so-called “joke” went too far, was inappropriate, crossed a line and was uncalled for. It was just wrong, no matter who does it to whom, just as it was also equally inappropriate when people did similar images of Obama being noosed, for example.  It reminded me of her imitating an ISIS terrorist holding up the severed head of their victims and there are just some things that aren’t funny and that you just don’t joke about. Now she’s lost alot of her bookings and complains she’s the victim and is being bullied because her “joke” backfired and people were offended, but she has to realize that there are consequences for her actions, which affect her reputation and her career.

As for Trump, he actually did something good though too that I like by pulling out of the Paris Accord on climate change which I think is all just a bunch of hooey and a waste of time and $$$$$ anyway all that enviro indoctrination and crap and the $$$$ wasted on that propaganda can be much better spent on social programs that could go a long way to alleviate human suffering, such as into health, education, alleviating poverty, homelessness, helping shelters, refugees, etc. People seem to care more about the environment than about the actual people who live on the Earth, and environmentalism has almost become like the New World Religion and I’m glad actually that someone finally has the courage to stand up to all this tree hugging Earth worshipping garbage. I don’t even think climate change is a real thing,either, but merely a scare tactic the enviro freaks use; I think it’s just a part of the Earth’s natural cycle it goes thru changing climates over time.

As well, the top of my left foot’s all peeling I originally thought was just from my suntan from Cuba but now it’s spreading and really itchy and even sore but not like a usual sunburn,and it’s all red and infected all around it,too, so now I’m starting to think that maybe it’s actually something quite different, like some sort of infection or something, so I’m going to keep an eye on it,  and the 14 YR old was talking mean about another family member as well and I confronted her about it asking her why she’s always so mean to them and what did they ever do to make her hate them so much and she replied that they did something I don’t know about and don’t need to know about….so now I’m left all wondering and curious……what did they do…or what does she think they might have done….no one ever tells me anything and no one will ever talk or discuss it,and when I asked the 15 YR old just dismissed it as me being paranoid, but I know what I see and what I hear, and it bothers me that maybe she’s just abandoned them because they have problems(when they really need support the most) and also I never knew what was going on with her or with the 19 YR old before either……and look how that turned out….

The Dress.

screen-shot-02-16-17-at-12-02-pm I ordered this funky dress online the other day. This is what pissed-off my mother and she threatened to cancel my credit card. I have wanted this dress for awhile, and it was finally on sale, so I got it. It’s been months since I’ve bought any clothes (my weed shirt on the Cyber Monday sale back in November, and now it’s almost March) and I hardly ever spend $$$ ,get to go shopping, or buy anything, but every now and then I still need stuff . Knowing her she’ll probably also say that the dress “looks like our livingroom curtains” because she always has to hate and criticize everything I have, like, say, or do, that’s just the way she is, but I spent less on the dress than she spent on our food the other day for the 5 of us at the buffet, and unlike the food which is all eaten and gone, the dress will last for YRS.

My credit card is also pretty much my only form of independence(I’ve had one ever since I was 16) and the one way I actually feel like an adult, and now she’s threatening to take that away,too?Everything’s always about control with her and it always has been.She’s always used $$$$ to control people. I hardly ever buy anything and to tell you the truth, all my underwear and socks have holes and rips in them, they’re so worn-out and I won’t spend the $$$ to buy new ones,as I just can’t justify spending the $$$ on that, esp. when no one sees it, and I even re-use plastic baggies  and cut poptarts in half to make 2 servings, to make them go further, for example, to stretch $$$$ as far as it can go, and I only get 20$ a month as a sort of “allowance” for my spending $$$ and I have to get all my personal expenses out of that, such as tampons, deoderant, hair dye, face cream, shampoo, etc. and it doesn’t go that far, leaving nothing left to buy clothes or anything else, yet sometimes I still need stuff,too, and I shouldn’t always have to go without, and sometimes I do have to treat myself,too,and sometimes I have to think about myself because no one else ever does.

As well, for fun and out of curiousity I measured my vibrator, and it’s 7 inches long,and has a wide girth,too, but I can take it all in, but after birthing 11 kids I can probably fit a foot-long hotdog in there, and I’m so stretched-out to “re-condition” it you’d have to shove a ham up and pull out the bone, and Buddy was sick the other day,too, not eating and just laying around and I imagined if he’d died and it broke my heart to even think about it and to imagine life without him, without him curling up beside me in bed or on the couch, not walking him each day, not cuddling with him, not having him follow me around, losing my best friend, it would be like losing a piece of my heart and having a light go out in my life, and a part of me would die with him. To say that I would be distraught would be an understatement.I hope so much that I die before him….

I also wonder if USA even realizes that the whole world is laughing at them for having a buffoon like Donald Trump as their president? I mean, do they even know that the rest of the world thinks he’s a joke? It’s almost comical to watch it all unfold, the guy’s such a dickweed,and now every time I see White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer on the TV news all I see is Melissa McCarthy’s hilarious impression of him on SNL and I crack up laughing. Trump has made USA a laughingstock to the world and I don’t even know if they’re aware of it; he’s just so unpresidential, unprofessional, and undiplomatic.

Exhausted.

screen-shot-02-04-17-at-08-23-am I was actually surprised when my ultrasound came back normal and I didn’t have any indications of uterine or ovarian cancer because for months, for at least since the summer I always feel so run-down, exhausted, dropping-dead, weak,fatigued,run over, wiped-out, listless, deflated, worn out, and dog-dead tired all the time, from the morning when I wake up until the moment I go to sleep at night. I even wake up tired. My eyes feel stinging I feel so tired.I get out of breath going up a flight of stairs. I have so little energy I can only handle one project or task a day without getting completely and totally wiped out! I could have either decided to bath my dog  today, for example, or shovel the snow, or cut my hair, but not more than just one of them a day, and the others would have to be done on other days because doing more than one thing a day just utterly and totally fatigues me and I ‘m just so tired and I have to rest.

feel like a deflated balloon.…. a hippo balloon…..naturally.

What else other than cancer would cause such extreme fatigue? I’ve had Epstein-Barr Virus when I was a teen, and I was very fatigued with that, but now I’m even more tired,yet I often have trouble falling asleep and I lay there,awake, for HRS, and I’ve pretty well always been depressed for the majority of my life ever since I was 13 (and  taking medications) and it’s not the fatigue of depression or of the mood stabilizers, either, so I wonder what it is? Why am I always so tired and exhausted that I can hardly even function?Is it possible I DO still cancer somewhere that they’ve  possibly missed?

As well, today one of the kids turns 19 and I’m happy and grateful that he has esp. since he’s the one who’s had many close-calls and we nearly lost him so many  times, but it wasn’t his time yet and God still has other plans for him, of which I an so thankful, and one of my cousins now has neurological damage and an immune disorder caused by getting the Flu vaccine which is why we never get it as everyone we know that has always gets really sick, sicker than if you have the Flu, some even ended up in the ICU, so we just take our chances with the Flu, which we still only ever get every 5 YRS or so,anyway.

While high on weed 90 minutes also went by and I was surprised and thought it had only been 5 minutes as time seemed to slow down and it didn’t feel like that much time had gone by, like how you feel coming out of anesthesia,time feels like it’s gone by quickly, and I went “inside” my head, and  then I got over-emotional watching the 9 YR old playing a video game every time the cute character Kirby got the shit kicked out of him or stabbed,etc.and I would cringe and cover my eyes,etc, not wanting to see , feeling “sorry” for him! and I filled in one of those online surveys while high too so it will be very interesting to see what I said and how it turned out!

As you also may or may not be aware of, I have alot of American friends and you might be interested to know, that, statistically, only a very few of them  actually support and approve of their new Prez Trump, but the vast majority of them  don’t, and, in fact, are ashamed ,embarrassed, and appalled by him.Just a small sample of American politics for you. Just in case you might be interested. You’re welcome.I aim to please.(just so long as you don’t piss me off) HA.

Biopsy.

screen-shot-01-31-17-at-04-28-pm I had my biopsy done at the doctor’s office. I was an hour late getting in, plus my hubby dropped me off half an HR before my app’t because that’s when he had the time to drive me so I was sitting there for 90 minutes! The biopsy itself only took 10 minutes and I got dressed in a hospital gown, laid on my stomach and was draped with a sterile sheet with only the spot on my shoulder exposed and he injected a local freezing which only hurt a bit, but less than a tattoo, so I didn’t even wince, and then I just felt pressure but no pain, nothing, and he cut a chunk out of my flesh and put one solitary stitch in and put a band-aid on, and that was it. Now I wait 2-3 weeks for the results. Now the freezing’s worn off it just stings a little bit.

My ultrasound results came back normal as well, which is surprising, so nothing to explain my heavy periods or crippling cramps and he just said…..get this… that I’m a woman and it’s just something I have to live with. I couldn’t believe it!  Did you really just f*cking say that to me?  Only a man would say something like that! He also said it would take a YEAR for a referral to a gynecologist and when I asked, “Why, because it’s just a woman’s issue and it’s not taken seriously?” he goes, “No, because you live in Ontario.” F*ck. I was hoping for a hysterectomy like my aunt and cousin had for their heavy, painful periods. I’m too old for this shit. I don’t need it anymore. My hubby also said with all my medical issues I “have the health of a 60-70 YR old” and I “take more medications than my mother” who’s 75.  At least I did get a prescription for a muscle relaxant though, the only thing he would prescribe me for the cramps.

Dammit.

screen-shot-01-31-17-at-04-44-pm-001 Here is also a photo of my friend in Brazil’s baby, who is now 9 months old. Just because she’s so adorably cute! She has got to be the cutest baby that I’ve ever seen and whenever I see photos of her it just makes me smile, and I had the new Blackforest Cake milkshake at Harvey’s and it was oh-so -good,probably even worth the cramps and diarrhrea I know I’m going to suffer later from the cream, and the shooter in the Quebec mosque shooting where 6 people were killed and 19 injured( 2 critically) surprisingly isn’t being charged with terrorism,either, likely because he’s not a Muslim; the victims  are Muslims but the shooter is a home-grown, white, non-Muslim, French Canadian, so they’re just calling it a shooting instead of a terrorist attack and he’s just being charged with murder and not also terrorism charges. It was also clearly a hate crime but he hasn’t been charged with that,either, and he said he was “inspired” by Donald Trump’s policies. It will also be interesting to see how the media will try and “spin” this attack and try and blame it on the Muslims…

There are no words. I’m just so sick of all the hate. An American friend of mine on Facebook told me I’m “ignorant” too for “not seeing that Muslims are enemies that want to destroy us and that we should ban them and protect our borders” and I told him that refusing to hate isn’t being ignorant but rather it’s the other way around,and I refuse to hate. If you get so paranoid that you build walls, become divisive, fearful, and develop and Us VS Them mentality then the terrorists win. Trump banning people from mostly Muslim countries also reminds me of how it started with treatment of Jews in Nazi Germany. No one should be singled out, targeted, or “blacklisted” because of their faith.

Love.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-54-am   I think every mother dreams of having a

little girl that they can dress up, love, and  be extra close to, a daughter where they will share a special bond, a close relationship, the kind of love so intense when you look at them you feel like your heart might burst. I was lucky enough to have that with the now 13 YR old when she was younger, before she grew up and got older and “out-grew” me and decided that she didn’t love me or need me anymore.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-55-am I just love these photos of us when she was little. She was so loving, so cuddly, so clingy,and she followed me around like a dog. She was literally my shadow. She was just soooo affectionate,too, and always ready with a hug or a kiss, telling me how much she loved me and I felt like the Most Important Person In The World to her.Looking at them brings back happy memories.(can you see the love in her eyes?)

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-56-am We had special Cuddle Time every morning as she was waking up and every night as she was in bed getting ready to fall asleep. We had our own little fun jokes,skits,parodies, games, nick-names, inside-jokes, rituals, songs, inventions, secret codes, etc. and she knew that when she was afraid she could come to me and that if she was sad, or hurt, or worried, and I was always there to comfort her. She knew she didn’t have to be afraid to talk to me about anything.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-57-am-001 Then suddenly one day she grew up and became a teenager and she began to withdraw from me and she no longer played our silly little games or confided anything in me anymore or told me she loved me, and, in fact, now she even hides things from me and lies right to my face, and you can forget about cuddling; no more hugging and kissing allowed; I’m not even allowed to touch her now, and she doesn’t really talk much,either, other than the occasional grunt passing by, or a toss of the hair or maybe a stomp or eye-roll.It feels like I’ve lost her.

really miss the way things used to be. I miss the closeness we used to have. It was never my  idea to lose it in the first place.still love her just as fiercely and just as strong as I always did.

I  mourn  it. I grieve it. I still keep hoping we can get it back again someday.It’s a deep, deep loss.I hope she’ll “out-grow” the not loving me and not needing me part someday.

As well, I also heard this cool name on the news : Boketsu Boekwa  and I just thought it was the coolest name ever, the way it just flows off your tongue, and so exotic and mysterious-sounding. I wish I had a cool name like that! My real name is very clearly ethnically European  and I do like  it, but it’s not exotic like Boketsu Boekwa! Maybe secretly in my head it can be my alter-ego or something…..ha,ha….the mysterious globe-trotter,and I was sickened to hear US Prez Trump has BANNED People from several mainly Muslim countries from coming to the USA, to immigrate and to travel, and this is clearly discrimination and reminds me of how Nazi Germany treated the Jews….maybe this can even be taken to the Human Rights Tribunal at the Hague, or something?