I Found It!!

Screen Shot 09-30-17 at 06.46 PM 001 I finally found the tie dye socks I was looking for! It’s like this only in rainbow colours. The socks are bamboo and the long(or can be baggy if you slouch them down) style I wanted, not tight or ankle socks. It was also the cheapest of what I have seen and been comparing online( when you’re poor you have to compare prices and can’t get get any old thing not caring about the price) and it was 20$ USD and only 10$ shipping which is actually quite good as normally shipping anything to this country starts at 20$ and goes up from there, so totally it’ll be 30$USD which will likely be around 40-45$ in our $$$$ depending on the exchange rate but the dollar is doing pretty well now so it shouldn’t be too bad.

Screen Shot 09-30-17 at 06.46 PM Guess where I found it? You know how I watch this TV show named Born This Way which follows a group of friends in California with Down Syndrome, well one of the people on the show is Megan, seen here, and she has a home online business where she hand tie dyes shirts, scarves, socks, etc. and sends them out to customers and I remembered it and checked it out and it had the socks I wanted and for a good price, so I ordered it. It’ll take 4-6 weeks to arrive though so I just hope that I’m still alive by then to get them. It also makes me feel good knowing that I’m helping someone with a disability to make a living and with it being someone on a show I watch it also makes it feel a bit more personal as I know something about her life, and at the same time I also finally found the socks I’ve been looking around for forever.

Here’s the sit if you’re interested: https://megology.com/shop/

Yesterday I must have been acting bizzarely or saying something bizarre(due to my head injury) and the 14 and 16 YR olds cracked insultingly that I must have been high and had too much weed and should lay off the drugs even though it was before I’d even had any weed so it wasn’t that, it’s just since I fainted and fell and hit my head hard I’ve been loopy and not quite right and my thought processes are all f*cked up and I get forgetful and confused ( even more than before) and I feel like I’m just floating thru each day and so tired too all I want to do is sleep and I still have the headache, sore neck and lower back, and now the bumps on my head itch as well  but they also still hurt so I can’t scratch them because it hurts too much when I do.

The Laneway.

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This is a laneway next to the hospital parking lot and everytime I see it, it reminds me of my childhood growing up in Toronto because there are alot of laneways and alleyways in Toronto.  They are common things in big cities and I remember them well. I remember playing in them when I was a kid, I remember never going there at night or in the dark, because bad things come out at night, like the gangs, the pimps, the hookers, the drug dealers, etc. but during the day time laneways are places of great fun and adventure for a kid. You can ride your bike or skateboard down them, it’s a great place to play Hide And Seek, to run around, to play Tag, even badminton, although it always keeps getting interrupted every time a car could come thru.Sometimes you could even find some interesting things there as well…. Every time I see a laneway now it takes me back to my childhood and brings back so many happy memories. It reminds me of my happy childhood in the city and I miss it so much. I miss those days. I miss my childhood. I miss being happy. I miss the city. I miss living in the city. I miss the action , noise,and bustle of the city. I miss the diversity. I miss the culture.I miss the shopping. I miss laneways.

As well,the 22 YR old got his purple belt in jiu-jitsu, which he says is pretty close to a black belt in karate by the time it takes to earn it, so it’s like an eqivalent, and now he’s qualified to open up his own dojo. He’s been doing it for years, and now just brown and black belts left to go which will still take a few more years, and I thought I heard the 18 YR yesterday too but figured I was probably just hallucinating as I’d had weed….but it turned out it really was her; she’d come for a quick visit, and she’s home from camp for good on Friday, and she said alot of her friends think my hubby’s in the Mafia too having a large family and supporting them on one salary. Now that’s a hilarious thought….him in the Mafia? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. He’s such a weenie!

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 06.32 PM I also saw this picture the other day in an article about Down Syndrome and this girl looks exactly like Arabella, the girl I see in my dreams!! It just blew me away and I still wonder who she is and why she often shows up in my dreams, a future grandchild, perhaps, or perhaps one of my own 6 babies that I miscarried? I got the impression it was a very close relationship, like she was my daughter or something, or if not, at least a relative of some kind….. My mother said as well that No one gets married anymore but that’s not true, and, in fact, several of the oldest two kids’ former teen friends and friends from university are married now, and some even have kids, and even one of the 21 YR old’s former childhood friends got married last year,too, so I’m just not seeing it. My theory is this: the way I see it is if people are just living together and not getting married then they don’t want to commit and they’re not sure and this way they always have a “back-up” plan, an escape, in case someone “better”  comes along they have a way out, but if you love someone then you’d have no doubt and wouldn’t hesitate to get married. When you really love someone you just know, and what I want for my kids in life is to find love and happiness and to never settle or sell themselves short.

Buddy hadn’t been eating his food for awhile either and “told” me that he was tired of it so I tried a new kind…..and he gobbled it right up, so I was right, so now I just switched him over to the new brand, and it costs more but if it makes him happy it’s worth it, plus if he wasn’t eating the other one and it was just getting thrown out it’s a waste of $$$$ and he’s not getting anything to eat,either. The second-oldest is also in Mexico, I think visiting a friend who lives there and who just recently got married there, and my hubby apparantly didn’t have time to pick up my pills at the pharmacy ( and he has to do it because he’s the one with the insurance coverage from his employer and has to show the card) even though I’m running low and am almost out…..but he still did have the time to pick up the 18 YR old from camp for a visit and to take the 10 YR old to his activity…..just doesn’t have the time and can’t be bothered if it’s just something for me. I’m the lowest on the totem pole.

Bouquet Of Sunflowers.

screen-shot-01-08-17-at-12-55-pm You know what would make me happy, what would really perk me up and bring joy into my life? It sounds completely random but it’s a bouquet of sunflowers! All of a sudden I just wish I had some sunflowers that I could put in a vase and enjoy, even though in winter it wouldn’t be the easiest thing to find right now, although perhaps a florist somewhere might carry some but they’d have to be imported and therefore expensive, so add that to my list of yet another thing that would bring me joy that’s out of my reach.It’s just the kind of thing that would really brighten my day, you know? I have visions of me in Heaven running thru a field of sunflowers,too. Speaking of winter, it’s so freezing cold as well it felt like – 27 C with the wind-chill and when Buddy was out for his walks I had a froze nose and numb buns and I couldn’t feel my face, and he couldn’t even make the rest of the walk home his poor little feet were so frozen, he was yelping and limping along it was so cold so I ended up carrying him the rest of the way home! Even in the house it’s still always so cold everyone walks around wearing a winter coat or with a blanket wrapped around them!

Someone also either broke or lost the hand mirror,making it really hard when I cut my hair to do the back so I just had to go by feel, fumbling around like a blind person and I felt like Stevie Wonder or someone, and when I bit into my Mozart Kugeln (my fave. imported chocolate from Germany) it was old, likely from last year and it was all hard and it cracked and a bunch of bugs came out of it and I grossed out, and someone left their souvlaki from dinner on a table in the livingroom,too,and Buddy got to it and I found him eating it…..right off the stick!

I had a hot flash last night when I went to bed as well and I was soooo hot and sweaty like in summer so I had to take off my shirt and just lay there on my bed topless for about 10 minutes or so until it passed and I felt cool again and then I put my shirt back on and crawled under the covers, and I should probably see my doc and get a referral to a dermatologist for my lesion on my back/shoulder that I suspect is likely melanoma/skin cancer,too, but it always takes forever to even reach him on the phone and then at least 2 weeks to get an app’t with him, not to mention months to see the specialist, and it will ultimately lead to them cutting a chunk out of my flesh and getting a biopsy and probably being told it’s cancer and all that entails….NOT something that anyone wants to hear or go thru…..it likely is, and that would explain why I’ve been so exhausted tired  with no energy to do anything….

There was also this girl in church yesterday with Down Syndrome  and  the entire Mass she wore this big floppy black velvet hat and big dark sunglasses, movie star style, and it occurred to me that perhaps she was trying to “hide” her Down Syndrome, so that people wouldn’t be able to tell, that she was ashamed of who she was, and that just broke my heart. I don’t think that anyone should be judged , hated, rejected, or bullied for things they can’t help and have no control over, such as disabilities, race, height, weight, looks, age, colour, intellect, etc.and I think that she should just let her light shine; Down Syndrome is just a part of who she is but she’s still so much more than that,and she should embrace it and not feel she has to hide it.

The Seizure.

screen-shot-10-02-16-at-07-08-pm I can still remember when I had the seizure. It was last December, around Christmas. It was after I had a few good bong “hits” and I was really high as f*ck. I don’t remember most of the actual seizure itself as I had blacked-out but I remember what it felt like before and as I was coming out of it. Right before, the music on my radio sounded like it kept fading in and out, getting louder and softer, sounding closer and farther away and at first I thought something was wrong with my radio….and then this weird feeling suddenly came over me and I just knew that I had to lay down on my bed right now as I was going to pass out…….and the next thing I remember I was going in and out of consciousness and as I was coming out of the seizure I remember my entire body was stiff as a board, and my legs were out straight, shaking,although I don’t remember if my feet were pointed out straight or if my toes were curled, but my arms were straight and at my sides and shaking and my hands were clenched, but not in a fist, but with the hands facing inwards, fingers curled and facing my hips, and they were shaking as well, and my neck was arched back and my head was also shaking and I remember thinking to myself, “Oh, f*ck! I’m having a seizure!” because I recognized what it was even though I’d never had one before myself( and haven’t had one since) and at the time I thought I was dying. I have to say it scared the shit out of me. It only lasted a few seconds, or what seemed like a few seconds, as time was distorted and moving in slow motion, and afterwards I felt really tired out and I continued to drift in and out of consciousness for awhile after,too, but I just gave it time to wear off and it did and passed without further incident. I didn’t go to the hospital as at the time I didn’t yet have my medical marijuana prescription like I have now,and I didn’t want them to call the cops(THC would show up on my blood test) and I’d get arrested for using marijuana, which is still illegal without a prescription.

I don’t know what caused it, either, whether I just got some bad pot, or if it was “laced” with something, or I had a bad reaction to it, or whether it was just a coincidence that it happened then and had nothing to even do with it and was due to some other cause,like some medical issue. Perhaps I’ll never know. I smoke up twice a week for my migraines( and I haven’t had one since last October; a whole year!) since then and no seizures since(or any other weird reactions, other than getting high at times and leaving my body) although I have had a few times since where I have felt something “shift” and my consciousness start to alter and I thought that maybe I was going to have a seizure but then I never did,and oddly it happened at the times/days that I wasn’t smoking weed!

screen-shot-10-02-16-at-12-52-pm-001 As well, here is a sweet photo of Buddy cuddled up and cozy , all ready for fall, and my mother told me that she also had a dream about a little girl with Down Syndrome (like I did!) who was with her mother( who died when I was very young) so I wonder if was the same girl(Arabella) as in my dreams? She said she didn’t know what her name was though. I was also thinking about my toxic family and it’s sad for me to realize that me dying is the only way for me to get away from those people; I don’t have any $$$$ so how am I supposed to move out or go anywhere, start over, get away from them, be independent( even if I didn’t have limitations) or get my own place if I don’t have any $$$$? How am I supposed to get away? You need $$$ to move, to live somewhere, to maintain your own place, etc…

Arabella Tatyana.

Screen Shot 08-20-16 at 07.25 PM I’ve been having these dreams for the past few months about a baby and also a little girl, but it’s the same person, who has dark brown hair and Down Syndrome.She looks alot like the girl in the photo here, it’s the closest that I could find. Her name is Arabella Tatyana….and she is my daughter. I ,however, don’t have any kids by that name and normally when I’ve had dreams like this it’s like a premonition of my future kids, those that are waiting to be born only now I know that it isn’t since I’m 49 YRS old and too old to have any more kids so I wonder who she is. Is she, perhaps, one of the 6 babies that I’ve miscarried? Is she reaching out to me, is she one of those that I’d lost? Or is she perhaps one of my spirit children that’s waiting for me in Heaven but that never had the chance to be born? In any case, it’s always the same girl, at different ages, aged from newborn to preschooler, and I feel connected to her, a bond, and that we will meet one day….

As well, yesterday in church I choked on the Eucharist(Jesus tried to kill me!) and I kept coughing and coughing, and I heard for the past couple of weeks coyotes have been spotted at the local park, the ones where the kids go to, and the 17 YR old said one of her friend’s parents bought him a Porsche…wow….now  that’s a sweet ride! All of her friends are rich and she has the right connections which is good as I don’t want the kids to be rednecks like most of the people in this burned-out town; I expect more,and better, from them.

The second-oldest left and is in Toronto now staying with a friend and she has a job interview as well at a private school as an English teacher, and the girls outgrew their bikes so we put them out the front of the house with a “free” sign and now they’re gone and I’m kind of sad, it’s nice to give them to people who may need them but also sad at the same time as it means the kids are growing up and  not little anymore; it’s the end of an era, and at my age I can’t tell either when I get all hot, sweaty,and sticky if it’s from the heat or if it’s “hot-flashes” from menopause starting…..

Right Now…..

Fire(newest) – I heard on the radio that the place where I had my tattoo done burned down last night; they had a big fire! I wonder what caused it? I hope it wasn’t arson from a rival business or anything like that! I’m also glad I didn’t take my hubby’s advice and wait to get my hippo tattoo until he’s on vacation for the next 3 weeks because the place is no longer there!

  • My mother only has 61$ in her chequing account at the bank. That’s how dire the financial situation is.
  • – A blogger I’ve been following who is 48(like me) is expecting baby # 12 just found out the baby has Down Syndrome just like her 10th baby( now 4 YRS old) also has yet her 11th( age 2) doesn’t have it.
  • – The 17 YR old drew a swastika on Buddy with a black Sharpie marker but luckily I was able to wash it off. I wish he’d stop drawing on my dog. He also kept putting things on TV( while I was there) purposely just to annoy me, such as redneck sports and country music. My family sucks.
  • – Patti told me her landlord’s wife killed herself. She was 32 YRS old and was bi-polar. She leaves behind 2 kids, aged 2 and 5 YRS old.
  • – I installed Windows 10 on my computer but then it f*cked around with all my stuff and I wasn’t able to get my photos and had a hard time navigating thru it(as I have a hard time with change and learning new things) plus the 20 YR old said it “kills” your computer and destroys any illegal downloads, etc. you have so now it’s un-installed and now I’m back to Windows 7 again.
  • – Now I have a bad cold and I’m REALLY stuffed up in my nose and I can hardly even breathe.