My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Rasta Heaven.

Screenshot_344Last night I had this weird dream I was in Heaven and I was wearing a long tie-dye dress(similar to the one here, the pattern and colour but not strapless) only in the Rasta colours instead of the traditional rainbow colours and my orange Converse hi-tops with a crown of daisies in my hair. I know, you’d think sunflowers since I love them so much but I guess it was a practicality thing as sunflowers are just way too big and wouldn’t fit or be practical and daisies are much smaller and better suited for that kind of thing. Usually in those kind of dreams I’m wearing a loose, long flowing white gauze dress and bare feet with the crown of daisies in my hair.

BuddyLump This is also the lump under Buddy’s eye. He seems ok otherwise though; still playing, running around, barking if someone comes to the door, tracking scents, going on long walks, sniffing out mice, chasing chipmunks, etc. I also had this major panic attack last night at bedtime that he has cancer and he’s dying and it just felt so real  and I was convinced he was dying and I was losing him I was crying and crying, my heart was breaking  and I was sobbing heavily the tears wouldn’t stop flowing and I snuggled him close to me and I got his fur all wet.I felt so despairing, so desolate, so shattered, so gutted.

I was so worried and fearful it kept me awake half the night. I hope NOT though, just a fear, and maybe it’s even just allergies or something,too causing the swelling and not a tumour, but in any case, in case he doesn’t have too much time left I’m going to ensure he enjoys what time he does have left, spending as much time as I can with him, loving on him as much as possible, doing his fave. things I know he loves and enjoys,making him happy, making his Last Days as fun-filled, love-filled and enjoyable as possible and so that he knows how much he’s loved. I don’t even want to live in a world without him though; he’s brought love, joy,and light into my life, gives me a reason to get up every morning and to keep going each day. My world revolves around him; he is my heart.

Buddy5 I also took this photo of Buddy and I sharing an ice cream and I love the way it turned out with the shadow effect. So cool.

moi Progress on my Smile Project. It’s hard for me to smile, but I’m trying. Someone also stole the 23 YR old’s bike from the shed in our fenced-in backyard. People SUCK.

Smile!

Screenshot_337 I have decided I will to embark on The Smile Project. I am going to consciously make an effort to try hard to smile. It doesn’t come naturally for me and it’s something I hardly do. I usually have this sour, dour, stone-cold blank stare sort of look on my face, which I guess basically just reflects how I feel. My expression shows my mood, which in turn, shows what my life has done to me and how it makes me feel. It’s hard, actually, for me to smile, takes a real effort on my part, and is something I have to remind myself, tell myself, and make a conscious effort to do. It doesn’t come naturally for me like it does for most people, I assume due to my Asperger’s.That, plus all the SHIT in my life that broke me and beat me down so I no longer have a reason to smile anymore.

I know smiling is attractive to people, it brightens your face, is more inviting, makes you appear more friendly, confident, approachable, agreeable, happy, cheerful, inviting, receptive, warm, open, cheerful, fun, etc. and if you don’t smile or are stone-faced or scowling, it is seen as “defensive” in a way and turns people away, so I am now going to try and smile, and often, but it’s really hard because it’s not something I normally do or that comes naturally and I have to always remind myself and force it and it feels so weird, so fake, so unnatural, so phony, so forced, and it makes me feel very self-conscious, and I wonder how goofy it must look and like Can I really pull this off or do I just look like the Joker?  Whenever I try to smile it looks like more like some sort of sarcastic smirk .It’s also very difficult for me to smile as in order to do so I’d have to make eye contact and look directly into the person’s face,too, which makes me very uncomfortable with my Social Phobia and I tend to shy away and look down, away, or at the floor but not directly at the person, which makes me very nervous, panicky, and uneasy. The idea is I smile, feel more confident, smile more, gain more confidence…

BuddyToe This is also the stubby-nubby what’s left of poor Buddy’s toe/thumb. Now what you see here is a tip of bone of a stump attached to flesh.The rest of the toe and the entire nail are gone. Yummy, huh? Now for a joke I call him Stubby or Stumpy. He licks it frequently, keeping it clean, and there’s a healing property in dog saliva too that disinfects and dogs seem to have a way of knowing how to take care of themselves. I had a nightmare as well that he told me he has a tumour behind his eye and he’s dying soon and that’s what’s causing the lumps under his eye.  I hope NOT in real life!! The 11 YR old was also mad at me and to be hurtful he yelled at me he’ll kill Buddy.  That kid seriously is disturbed.though. I also keep having recurring dreams my ex-friend J is dead now,too.

File this under WORD OF THE DAY: This is my new fave word now: phlegmon. It defines as an infected area within a tissue less defined than an abcess. I just love the sound of that word; it’s sort of like phlegm. I wonder too if maybe it’s eeven an absess that’s the trouble under Buddy’s eye,too? My hubby and kids were being obnoxious, cold-hearted, and awful yesterday as well, celebrating 9/11, having a party, playing games, incl. Jenga, which is like a tall tower that collapses, making innapropriate and disrespectful comments and “jokes”, very crass, wrong, insensitive, appalling, and that crossed the line. I told them how awful they were and it would be good if I had died on 9/11 and then they’d really have something to be happy and celebrate about and then they actually wouldn’t be able to have their annual  Happy 9/11! day because everyone else would think they were celebrating the anniversary of my death,too, and would know that they are insensive crude assholes,celebrating the anniversay of when their mother died, and maybe also then as well they would know how the families of the victims of 9/11 felt at losing their loved-ones,too, although if I died they wouldn’t even care though; no one would miss me. The only one that would even care is my dog.

Self-Portrait.

hippos9 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

Screenshot_316

The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced,can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.

 

Failure.

Screenshot_284 This is my sole sunflower/ Still no signs of any flower yet. I think it must be broken.Failure to thrive.Just like me. Yet  another failure of mine. I seem to screw up everything I try. Nothing ever just goes right or works out for me or goes the way it’s supposed to. I also thought I might die this week and yet the first week of September has come and gone and I’m still here. Talk about disappointment. I always get my hopes up and then they end up dashed.I feel like God’s almost stringing me along and then nothing.  All of a sudden today my stomach just started to really hurt as well and then felt like I was going to barf. I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m a failure.

As a daughter.

As a wife.

As a mother.

As me.

In life.

Screenshot_283 I don’t usually like to take photos or “Selfies” of myself due to my looks but this one actually didn’t turn out half-bad considering, so here goes. This is a rare photo of me. One of my cousins in Europe her son started university as well(he’s taking accounting) and I had a dream that Ottawa is going to have some sort of attack although I wasn’t sure if it was like some of aerial attack like in war, or whether it was a bombing or other sort of terrorist attack, but it was big. I hope not though. Funny,too: the pool guy was here to close up for the season and at first I didn’t even see him there but I did see Buddy trying to sneak downstairs to the basement( and there’s paint, sharp things, poison things, mouse traps,etc. down there) so I yelled at him, Hey, you can’t go down there! and the pool guy goes, Sorry…… and then I realized he thought I was talking to him and I had to tell him, Oh! Sorry! I didn’t see you. Not you; I was talking to the dog!

Buddy1 Here is a cute, sweet photo I took of Buddy. His sore toe still bothers him and he limps along and his walks are shorter now as he heals and last night in bed he hobbled over to me and snuggled into my arms in the cradling “baby” position he wants to be held in when he’s scared or in pain, which is reclining on his back cradled in my arm like a baby. It makes him feel safe, secure, and comforted.Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable position for me to try to sleep so I wasn’t able to fall asleep until something like 1 am. I also prayed to God asking Him of all of the religions which one has the most truth and is the most pleasing to Him and I felt the answer: The one that shows the most love. So I would take that to mean the one that’s most loving, caring, compassionate, welcoming, forgiving,merciful, inclusive, accepting, non-judgemental, and charitable.

The Intruder.

Screenshot_1190 I noticed that Buddy’s food, which had been left out overnight( while he was in my room during the night, in bed asleep and not even downstairs all night) had disappeared. Something had eaten it. This made me suspicious that we had something in the house. Some kind of wild animal that must have snuck inside somehow one time when one of the doors was open. It must have quickly ran in unnoticed. I’ve also noticed that his kibble had been quickly disappearing lately as well….and then it hit me: we have something in the house!

It all added up: Buddy’s odd behaviour lately: the missing food, why Buddy’s appeared to be so anxious,nervous,stressed, and bothered recently, why going for a walk around the side of the house he sniffs a trail intently and then will now only go part way for the past while and then stop at the bush,look up at me with intense, sad eyes and refuse to proceed any further, as if there’s this invisible wall there he won’t cross, and he pulls on the leash and runs the other direction, signalling for me to turn back, as if warning me there’s something bad there, and why he’s always acting so hungry and losing weight( I’d assumed his food was gone he was eating, but maybe not; maybe something else was stealing his food all along and he wasn’t getting any) and eating everything he can find off the floor and “telling” me he needs more to eat, and also what bit his tail…and maybe also what happened to his eye….maybe he got scratched or something…and why I hear the odd thump or yelp from him and he hides in fear under my bed or the couch…..he was trying all along to tell me…

We had an intruder. He was under siege, having his food raided, and being attacked in his own home.

and I was right.

At first I thought it was just my paranoia, or just my suspicious nature or hallucinating again, but I was right. I suspected most likely a cat or a raccoon, although it could have been a skunk, fox, coyote, or anything. Then, as I was opening up the back door to let Buddy in from the yard I saw from behind me this cat quickly dart by and run from the kitchen, from inside our house, out the back door! It was so fast, in a flash, but I saw it; it was mainly black with some copper colouring on it,and it looked pretty big too! I’m just glad it ran out of the house, and hopefully now it won’t come back in, and we’ll have to be extra watchful and careful now that we don’t leave any of the doors open and that when we do open the door, even to just do going in or out or even to just quickly look for mail, that we look and make sure nothing quickly sneaks in again! The 15 YR old jokes that the intruder is some homeless guy but why would a person bite Buddy’s tail or eat his food off a plate on the floor when he would much prefer to just raid our fridge?

I also had a dream we move in October, which would give me one last summer to enjoy in my backyard( seen from the view here from the porch swing). I love how over-grown the trees etc. are. it makes it feel so secluded, private,and cut off from the rest of the world; my own private, hidden oasis, like I’m contained safe in my own little cocoon hidden away in my little safe corner of the world, safe from the outside, and I like it in my own little world. It’s peaceful, safe, spiritual, and where I can escape to, to be free and just float away, lost in my own imagination. I really love sitting out in my backyard. It’s my fave. place in the house and my sanctuary and private, special place. I’m really going to miss it if we move.  😦