Graduate The 14 YR old had her LAST appointment at the eating disorders clinic yesterday; she’s been officially discharged and they closed her file; she’s graduated! She’s now 1 pound above her ideal weight  and all her stats are looking good and they commented on how they can clearly notice she looks and seems so much healthier, happier, and better.It’s true; I notice it,too, now there’s a “light” about her, a sparkle, a shine, a glow, a radiance; life. We got a 6 month prescription for the Prozac but they said to end the other medication which bothers me that they’d discharge her first, before having another doctor to follow her up, just in case there are any problems going off the meds( like last time they tried she relapsed) and also just for follow-up care and to re-new meds,etc. as she’s still on the waiting list for a family doctor and it can take months. I also wanted to give her a party to celebrate with balloons, cake, etc. but she said she hates parties.

She’s just doing so well and it’s been 11 months. There were some times, back in the early days, that I’d never thought I’d ever see this day but she’s made so much progress and come so far. That was how it also was when the now 20 YR old had leukemia when he was 7; those earlier days were so dark and just seemed so hopeless and endless I just couldn’t see any light out of the darkness yet now here we are. Thank you, God. As promised for her hard effort, work, progress, and success we went to the Apple store in Kingston right down the street from the hospital and got her the MacBook computer she’s always wanted. She chose the silver and it turns out that it was the last one in that colour in the store. She’s always been “lucky” like that (and she’s always winning prizes and stuff,too) unlike me; I’m the exact opposite! She was just beaming and smiling from ear to ear, she was so happy and it was so nice to see. Damn, those things are expensive though( it took my hubby almost a year to save up) it costs as much as a cruise! She’s earned it though; she’s worked hard, come a long way,and she deserves it.

One of the therapists at the clinic had her baby as well; a girl that weighed…get this…. 11 1/2 pounds, and that’s not a typo! Holy shit….can you imagine? I just cringe thinking about it. That’s not a baby…..that’s a turkey! Of course she had a cesarian for obvious reasons and I’ll bet the baby likely  even broke a record at the hospital too for biggest baby born there! On the way there I also saw a rabbit roadkill on the highway and another as well my hubby and I were arguing over he says is a coyote but I think looks more like a wolf; at first I wondered if it was a dog as it looked like a husky(and it was grey and white) but then I wondered What would a dog be doing way out here on the highway in the middle of nowhere? and it was just next to the forest so I figure likely a wolf as coyotes are more of a brown colour…

I was also contemplating Who am I? In the past I used to define myself as a wife and homeschooling mother but not anymore, not now that the kids are older and there’s this distance between my family and I as they belittle and demean me and continue to push me away, I don’t feel “bonded” to them anymore, and I don’t have a career to define myself by,and even if I did that’s still not who I am; it’s just what I do, and then the answer popped into my head, A child of God.  That’s who I am. I am a child of God. We all are. It just felt like a warm loving embrace from God, a reassurance that He loves me and that I’m not worthless, a nobody, unlovable. I am a child of God. I am made in His Image.I am loved by God. When I walked Buddy at 6 am this crazy old guy at the corner house was also loudly yelling standing out his front porch God’s Name and Dammit! 2-3 times and then went back inside. It was so weird.It was too early to be drunk,too… We have the weirdest people living on our street. We live in Crazytown.

I saw Montego Bay 6 am listed on my hubby’s computer calendar as well ( every app’t he puts on shows up on mine as we share app’t dates on our shared calendar) and I got all excited thinking he had secretly got me a ticket to Jamaica( Bob Marley country!) as a surprise but it turned out it was his friend that’s going….man, I would have loved that, and to which he sniffed, For you it would be a one way ticket! and I replied, That’s what I’d wantI was also talking in the car and he orders me to stop talking and in a put-down, condescending way, sort of how you would to a nattering toddler that just won’t shut up and gets on your one last nerve and he huffs, I was just me being me and I told him, …and you’re just you being you….an asshole! Oh, Dear Lord, what have I ever done to “deserve” this?



Screen Shot 01-20-18 at 06.56 PM 001 This is my Beachy Amish Facebook friend going back home to Florida after visiting her critically ill sister in Pennsylvania. See the pretty colour shoes and how they match her dress? She loves her Chucks (Converse Chuck Taylor’s) as much as I do and also has several pairs in various colours and she’s even older than I am. She rocks. I esp. find it funny her being Amish (although her sect is more like the Mennonites in dress and allowing modern technology and transportation) and she is my inspiration and probably the most funky Amishwoman in Florida! This photo also sums up perfectly how I (and all tall-ish people) feel cramped on a plane, with no leg room.

I also dyed my hair back to blonde again as the grey was just making me feel and look old and I must say this does look alot better and gives me a boost and makes me feel better about myself and when I’m getting my tattoo this week the 23 YR old’s GF(who’s birthday is actually today) wants to come with me to watch how they do it.It’ll be fun, sort of like a Girl’s Night Out, and it already feels like she’s practically part of our family anyway and she’s over here all the time it ‘s like she’s one of my kids. 🙂

My cousin also said her daughter’s doctor is worried she has an eating disorder as I suspected and is keeping an eye on her, and she said that she’s a “picky” eater( which is how it started with our 14 YR old,too) and she doesn’t want to eat because she doesn’t want to get ‘fat’ and that it all started when my cousin went for a healthier lifestyle which incl. dieting and losing some 30-40 pounds and going to the gym, so no matter what you do as a parent, despite the best intentions, it seems you still end up f*cking up your kids anyway so you just can’t win either way. The story of my life. No matter what you do it’s still wrong and backfires and you end up damaging your kids anyway. Being a parent  just sucks.

I also heard part of a scene in a TV show my mother and hubby were watching someone said He’s the bomb maker! and I thought to myself I wish that I was the bomb maker… simply because that would mean that I was smart if I could do something as complex and sophisticated as build a bomb, but as I am now I would end up blowing myself up. If only I was smart. And pretty. I think I’m losing my mind as well as I swear I heard the 14 and 16 year old’s talking about Motley Crue concert tickets ( and that’s a concert that I’d go to!) but they were thoroughly confused and insisted that they didn’t and that I must have been hallucinating and imagining things, and were mocking me that I must have been high as usual, but I don’t know if it was the weed or just my memory decline due to my White Matter Disease. Getting old really sucks.

My hubby also said I’m a drain on the healthcare system with all my medical issues and all my appointments and tests which I thought was hurtful and a mean thing to say,esp. since I was healthy up until I was 45 and then everything started falling apart, like an old jalopy, but it all balances out in the end, some people need alot of medical care and others hardly any and everyone pays for it thru their taxes anyway so if you need it, you need it.You’re paying into it and sometimes you need to withdraw, to make a claim, so to speak, like insurance. He can kiss my ass and just be grateful that he still has (relatively) good health himself and shut up!

The Tattoo.

Screen Shot 01-19-18 at 01.38 PM This is the picture(Patti drew it actually) I am going to get transferred over into a tattoo and have done above my heart sometime hopefully next week, only a smaller version. It’s of Buddy, the best dog I’ve ever had. Most of my tattoos in fact are to commemorate special moments,events, or memories in my life. I’m going to have them colour it in a reddish-brown the same colour as Buddy. I can’t wait. I already have something like 12-13 tattoos(I lost count!) and this will be my late birthday gift from my hubby but old cheapskate said he’s not paying any more than 50$ for it and if it costs any more than I have to pay the difference.What a jerk-off. That’s why I’m getting it for my gift, because I don’t have any $$$$. Besides, I’d think it would give him great pleasure and much enjoyment to pay for the priviledge of having pain inflicted on me.

Screen Shot 01-19-18 at 06.14 PM 001 I also went to the nail salon and got my nails done. It’s been 7 weeks since last time and they were in sorry shape and almost grown out but I got a re-fill or fill-in as opposed to entirely all re-done as this costs only half as much. Because it had been so long ( they recommend touch-ups every 2 weeks but I’m poor and can’t afford it) she refused to do the French Manicure saying my nails were in such bad shape that I’d have to do a solid colour instead, so I went with a hot pink. It always feels nice to have my nails done. It makes me feel pretty and glam. I know I’ll never be pretty but I can at least have nice pretty nails instead of the bitten stubby nubs I normally have, all chewed up. This also prevents me from biting my nails too and it’s a mood booster, an ego boost and a way to treat myself and perk myself up. My hubby couldn’t pick me up for 30 minutes after I was done so I looked around the pet store and Giant Tiger which is a cheap discount store like Bargain Harold’s I used to go to in Toronto and I bought 3 packages of sunflower seeds for spring planting for just 99 cents!

One of my cousins in Europe is worried about her 14 year old daughter too: she went to the doctor as she’s been fainting and he’s really concerned she’s really underweight and said she has to eat more but she’s a “picky” eater and won’t listen and the thought occurred to me, Oh my God, does she possibly have an eating disorder,too, like our 14 year old does? She’s been under alot of stress this year with highschool, with alot of homework, and so I asked her to just watch out for signs as they’re really good at hiding it; we had no idea it was going on in the beginning,and I told her to watch carefully to make sure she is indeed eating,and eating enough, and that she’s not barfing it up or using laxatives. I hope not, but we’ve been thru this and it’s starting to sound awfully familiar…holy shit…When I look back, I remember when I was a kid one of my cousins in her 20’s was awfully thin and pale as well so I’m wondering if it’s possible she was anorexic,too? Is it perhaps genetic in our family maybe? She also broke and shut down after a priest assaulted her; she quit work and just stayed in her bedroom all the time, rarely ever leaving the house,withdrawing socially and isolating herself, so she was emotionally damaged too so it does make me wonder..


Screen Shot 01-16-18 at 06.01 PM Yesterday the 14 YR old had her now monthly visit at the clinic. It went well and they said she’s in remission(from the eating disorder) and now 98% to her ideal weight! Isn’t that amazing? She’s doing so well!! She’s been in treatment for 10 months now, since last March. They also are starting to wean her off one of the medications and she had blood work done (which she didn’t like at all, she’s like my hubby that way) and an EEG to make sure there are no side-effects from the meds. We go back next month and they said we’ve basically graduated but they want to wait awhile before discharging her completely to see how she responds going off the meds plus we’re waiting to get a family doctor she can be followed up by and who can also prescribe meds as needed. I applied awhile ago but it takes months, sometimes even longer, I remember when I applied for mine it took around a year before I finally got my referral!

I was surprised that we even made the appointment on time,actually, and in fact, we just made it, as due to the snow there were 2 accidents on the highway and so we had to get off the highway twice and take the long and winding road, which made our trip even longer and slowed us down. Once we got back onto the highway for about 25 minutes or so it was eerie and weird too as we were the only car on the road and I really wondered if maybe we weren’t supposed to be there, like if the police had it shut down and evacuated for some safety issue only we didn’t get the message and there we were….rolling along, totally oblivious…but then later on more cars showed up and I felt better but it was just so weird being the only car on the highway.

I also finally did a shit on Tuesday as well after being horribly constipated and not going for 3 days, and before that I was shitting out hard little marbles, pellets, and my abdomenal pain was just getting so bad but I gritted my teeth and pushed thru the pain at the clinic and we finally did make it ok and once we got back I took 2 stool softeners and I finally did a shit….hallelujah….and it was glorious!


Screen Shot 12-19-17 at 05.49 PM The 14 YR old’s app’t at the eating disorders clinic yesterday went well; she’s doing really well and almost at her ideal weight and they said now she only has to go once a month with discharge soon in sight, in maybe just a few more months! I also no longer have to write down everything she eats in my log and she’s now able to start being more independent and starting to participate in the selection and preparing of her own meals! They also want to start weaning her off her meds which scares me as last time they tried that she crashed and the eating disorder told ahold of her again and dragged her under. They don’t necessarily think the same thing will happen again but I’m not so sure. It’s encouraging and hopeful to see her doing so well though and to see that an end is near and I’m hoping this won’t be a life-long struggle for her but rather just a small “blip”.

My doctor also called and said they have my CT scan results already only this time I have to come in and discuss it, not like last time when I had my scan he just phoned me and told me the results, so this time they must have found something really bad (shit, maybe I have a brain tumour, or something?) and they said not until the New Year so either he’s off until then or else they don’t want to give me bad news until after Christmas so my Christmas won’t be ruined… also what got me suspicious when they called is they asked me how I’m feeling; if I’m doing ok and feel ok since I had the scan on Friday which I thought was kind of odd….to tell you the truth I’ve had this headache for the past 3 days I couldn’t get rid of until I tried out some of my new weed (now that it’s nice and fresh, plus it’s the start of my vacation now too the others are gone the rest of the week so I wanted to celebrate accordingly) in my bong and I never noticed any effects but it did knock out the headache! I wouldn’t be surprised if it showed a skull fracture though, or even a brain bleed as the impact when I fainted and fell was brutal. I see him on my birthday…. yeah, happy birthday to me…

My hubby also got this BMT sub at Subway and it bothered the hell out of me because I couldn’t figure out what it meant as BLT stands for bacon, lettuce, tomato except there was no bacon, lettuce, or tomato in this, but rather pepperoni, salami,and ham… where’s the BMT? I kept trying to figure it out….B for bun maybe, perhaps M for meat, but what about the rest? It was bugging me forever so I finally just Googled it and here’s the answer: BMT originally was Brooklyn Manhatten Transit but now it means Bigger, meatier, tastier. So now I know. Now you know. Now we all know. Now I can sleep at night.

The Gingerbread House.

Screen Shot 12-03-17 at 08.16 AM 001 The 14 and 16 YR olds tried to make a gingerbread house from scratch but as soon as they put the last piece on ( doesn’t it figure, right at the end, after all that time , effort,and hard work) it all collapsed, so instead of a gingerbread house it ended up a bunch of jagged and ragged broken gingerbread cookies instead, but the important thing is that they still taste the same. The 14 YR old also has this kind of “radar” where she can sniff out and detect every sneaky trick I do and put into her food, too, even the other day when I tried to sneak butter into her muffin by carefully and meticulously injecting it with a syringe! I melted the butter to a liquid and poked tiny little holes into it and injected it using a baby medicine dropper/syringe thinking she’d never know the difference, but she still did. I swear, that kid is like those drug-sniffing dogs at the airport that can detect anything. 

The 23 YR old also left a pizza on the floor in his room and of course Buddy could smell it so he opened the door, went in, opened the pizza box with his snout…..and ate all the pepperoni off it! but just the pepperoni,which also happens to be his fave. food, nothing else; he didn’t eat all the pizza, just the part he thought was his, and I guess he figured it was on the floor so it must have been left out for him because we put food down on the floor for him! He’s such a funny dog and always makes me laugh. A neighbour also asked me while I was out walking him what happened to our outdoor Christmas lights this year and I told her my hubby’s too lazy to do them this year and she said that was disappointing. I saw the perfect  Ugly Christmas sweater for me the other day at Spencers while I was out shopping too; it said Merry Christmas F*ckers! only it cost 69.99$ which is too expensive so I never got it. A Facebook friend in USA also had her first baby 2 days ago, on her 37th birthday, a 6 pound 7 oz girl, and she was in labour for 2 days and pushed for 4 hours! Man, it’s insane what we women go thru to bring babies into the world!

I had a bath bomb in my bath as well and it turned the water an orange-red colour and it looked like I’d been butchered, and the other night I was really nauseated(I had to come downstairs and get a Gravol) and on and off I would get really dizzy it felt like the room was spinning and then I’d feel my heart loudly thumping and pounding in my chest and it makes sense that my heart is what’s causing my issues, my seizures, my black-outs, my shortness of breath, my sweats, my not being able to exert myself , walk too far, and get breathless going up a flight of stairs, and my bad fluid retention, nagging cough I’ve had for months, blue lips I often get( poor circulation), cold hands(POOR CIRCULATION AGAIN) light-headedness, dizziness, extreme fatigue, etc.. maybe now I’ll finally have some answers!  I asked for insight from God as well and loudly and clearly the words ventricular fibrillation came into my head, which I have no idea of so I Googled it, and holy shit, if you’re going to have a heart issue this is like one of the worst possible ones to have; the electric rhythm is off-kilter and can it can just suddenly stop beating resulting in a fatal heart-attack. To this my mother replied, You always have to go to extremes, don’t you? You always have to have the worst or rarest of everything! Story of my life.

Broken Heart.

Screen Shot 12-02-17 at 06.44 PM Last night laying in bed trying to fall asleep I felt really nauseated and at times I would also feel really dizzy and it felt like the room was spinning and at that time I could also feel my heart loudly thumping and pounding in my chest and it made me think what the neurologist said about my issues maybe having something to do with my heart, like perhaps it skips a beat, or an abnormal rhythm. The good is though until I see the cardiologist the medication I’ve already been on for years for my high BP also happens to be a medication they give you following a heart-attack and to prevent them. That’s maybe how I’ll die though, a heart-attack,and I’d prefer it actually, because at least it’s quick. It’s not long and dragging on suffering for months or years. It just hits you-bam!– and then it’s all over. I still remember my Babushka telling me the story of her hearing the moment my Dedushka died; he was praying aloud to God, tired of the pain, Jesus, just take me now!” those were his last words and then she heard a loud thud! and found him dead on the floor; he’d had a sudden heart-attack, and then the dental office called just the next day to say his new dentures were ready. 😦

It’s symbolic of my life though, dying of heart failure, like my heart was broken, and it just couldn’t take any more misery, brokenness,and sorrow,and it just gave up and died. I literally can die of a broken heart. With all of the traumas, abuse, rejection, bullying, hardships, struggles, bad luck,and unhappiness I’ve had to endure during my life it would be a fitting end to it to die of a broken heart. It was a sad realization as well that even the doctor ( or my Facebook friends for that matter, even the ones that don’t actually know me in person) care more about me and show more concern and kindness towards me than my own family does. I was also already on the brink of collapse as it was before but once the 14 YR old  broke, and broke hard with her mental illness, eating disorders, being self-injurous and suicidal, and her struggling so much and withdrawing away from me just finished me off; it just broke my heart and broke me down so hard that it was just the Last Straw. That was the triggering point that finally pushed me right over and where I basically just withdrew from life completely.Now I’m like Dedushka, praying each day for God to take me.