Mind-F*ck.

Screenshot_1109 My hubby always likes to mind-f*ck me, play mind-games with me, play on my fears, worries, anxieties, and psychologically abuse me. He derives some sort of sick, twisted pleasure out of it, out of making me doubt my own mind, out of confusing me, making me squirm, making me worry, question and doubt my sanity, making me trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, playing on my fears, anxieties and worries, trying to scare me, trying to figure out if something true or just another one of his twisted ideas of a “joke”, whether he’s lying and just setting me up or not or if it’s true, f*cking with my mind, etc. you get the idea. I think it’s just sick, cruel, and twisted, but for some reason he gets great enjoyment from it and thinks it’s “funny” and delights in watching me struggle and fall for it time and time again, trying to figure it out.

This particular time I was saying how even though some of the kids are mentally messed-up(which appears to be genetic) at least none of them ended up in gangs, in rehab, arrested, in trouble with the police, teen moms, etc. so in that way they turned out ok, and then he started planting seeds of doubt in my mind by saying I obviously don’t know what my kids are up to and that the 20 YR old and the oldest who live in Edmonton are now in a gang and when I asked him if he was joking or not( because with him you can never tell, and he also lies all the time too so you never know if he’s serious ,telling the truth, lying, joking, or mind-f*cking with me…. and then he wonders why I don’t trust him or ever believe him ) he wouldn’t say but kept going on and on about how they’re now in this gang and it got me really worried and scared and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I went to bed worried about it, it playing in my head and on my mind all night, and I prayed a silent desperate mother- heart prayer to God to keep them safe whatever they’re into.

Later I asked one of the kids if they knew anything about them being in any gang and they replied they’re in a “gang” ( more of  a guild, actually) in some online computer game they play. Thank God! I was just so worried! So technically I guess you could say it’s a “gang”, but he knew  what I meant, the context of the conversation, and how he implied it and made it come across and that’s exactly how he wanted me to interpret it , with the sole purpose of upsetting and panicking me. He always does this kind of thing to me, playing mind-games with me, f*cking around with my mind. He’s just a sick, twisted, cruel, demented F*CK and he’s ruined my life. Seriously, what’s wrong with him?

As well, it’s been so hot here and so little rain (only less than 10 mm so far all month and the average should be around 60-70 mm) everyone’s grass is all brown, dry,and hard, and the mass shooting on Danforth in Toronto was very close to my old house and on the street my friend A (from grades 10 and 11) lived,and just 20 minutes away from where my cousins were at the time, visiting from Europe! Holy shit!! They also went on a ferry boat touring the harbour and islands, and saw a live theatre production.They saw the play Wicked. Not my personal preference given the occult nature( witchcraft) but I’d like to go see Phantom of the Opera, Hamilton, and Come From Away but I can’t afford it; tickets are like 200$+ each!When we lived there( and had $$$$) my mother and I used to go and see live theatre all the time.

I also saw the Mamma Mia! sequel film and both my mother and I are so slow she thought 2 different characters that looked alike were the same person and I knew they were separate people but didn’t know it was mother and daughter, that it was showing their parallel lives in different time periods; it was confusing, and then my hubby was making fun of me for it,and for being so dumb, and bragging he could tell  in watching for less than 10 minutes. He always looks for every opportunity to put me down and make me feel badly about myself.Yeah, well, he can kiss my ass; at least  can rhyme, know most capital cities,and I can speak more than one language,too, unlike him, so go f*ck yourself, you arrogant, condescending bastard! I swear to God, meeting him was my biggest regret in life.

My Heart.

HeartInHand I saw the cardiologist( the handsome Egyptian guy!) and all my tests came back normal so my heart’s ok; broken emotionally, but not physically. So we still have no answers to why I fainted and have seizures. He was just as hot as I remember him,too,and I was so giddy and nervous I just kept hoping that I wouldn’t say or do anything stupid to embarrass myself. I must have just been oozing pheremones though as I was drooling over him, gazing into his handsome face, knowing I’ll probably never see him again, just enjoying the moment, trying to capture it in my memory forever, and his eyes are so beautiful, oh, my God… a combination of brown and green, they’re almost gold, oh, the things I imagine doing to that guy….I also noticed a little nick on his neck from shaving and all I could think of was imagining kissing it…I wish I could trade my hubby for him….

Both the doctor and the nurse noticed and liked my tan as well(and the nurse also liked my funky boots) and the hunk doctor and I talked about Ramadan, which he’s currently observing, and there I was, thinking my rude thoughts of what I wanted to do with him and wondering if he even has any idea of how hot he truly is.I purposely didn’t even wear a bra, either,(I’m a dirty old whore, ha,ha) hoping he’d have to look at my chest but no luck.(and if he touched it I probably would have passed out) Doesn’t it figure? I can’t even get that. Even so, ugly people still need love,too.

My hubby was also being his usual asshole self, resentful for having to drive me and complaining about it, and hurling insults at me putting down and mocking my age including, Look at you! You can tell you’re old! and Why do you always have to be so stupid all the time? and he yelled at me for walking too slow as well,and when we stopped off at Wal-Mart in Kingston they had the body wash I needed but not my hair dye so I grabbed that and was going to line up and he wouldn’t let me, telling me to put the items down as he was tired and didn’t want to wait in line, reassuring me that we’d stop off at Wal-Mart in town on the way back(so I could pick both things I need then)……except that we didn’t…..the asshole lied and refused to go, excusing he changed his mind and was tired and didn’t want to do any more driving; he f*cked me over is what he did, and I never even got the other items either(which as it turned out later, they don’t have here) as he’d rushed me out and wouldn’t even let me get those when we already were in the other Wal-Mart so I was mad and I really let him have it…..and then he says I’m the problem; that I’m selfish, ungrateful, a terrible person,etc. for complaining  instead of being grateful for all that he does for me…..WTF?

He’s got it wrong; I’m mad that he said we would stop off after and get my stuff after and then he wouldn’t, esp. after he wouldn’t let me get the items I was able to find at the other store before!So I ended up with none of my stuff and felt like my stuff isn’t worth the bother. He’s just being an asshole again, treating me like shit, and then he gets all high and mighty saying if I don’t like it then go myself, knowing I have no way to get there, no transportation, so in a fury I pulled the earphones out of my iPod and blasted my Reggae music really loud I know he hates so he’d have to listen to it in “retaliation” and I told him, You’re not the only one that can be an asshole! so then the prick starts blaring redneck country music on the car radio just to piss me off…..and so it goes… I almost got out and walked….as it turned out I still  ended up going to the store later in the evening(he got 10 minutes he could “squeeze” me in; aren’t I lucky?) but I’m just so tired of the way he treats me. I’ve had enough of this shit and of this life.

We also took the long and winding road driving home to avoid the back up on the highway due to construction and we passed thru every single little town along the way and I’ve never seen so many lilac bushes, it was amazing! As we were driving out into the middle of nowhere, into deserted rural roads I also half expected my hubby to pull over somewhere and kill me and dump my body somewhere and drive off,either that, or meet up with someone he’s hired to do the job and then he shoots me right there; that that’s really why we ended up driving all the way out there in the middle of nowhere, and then he got all mad and sulky because he couldn’t find his usual gas station and we were running on fumes and he whined Maybe we just won’t get any gas at all then! and I told him to stop being such a child and just get it somewhere else, no big deal, before we run out of gas completely and end up stranded somewhere, I swear, the shit I have to put up with, the guy’s a f*cking tool! There just has to be some way I can be free….I’ve been doing this since 1988, I’m done….

We also saw the new Star Wars movie and he acted like it was some sort of great “sacrifice” on his part for having taken the precious time out of his busy schedule to have taken me and that I should be eternally grateful to him for the sacred priveledge.Oh, thank you, Massa! You are too kind, Massa.I bow down humbly and kiss your feet.Don’t beat me, Massa.

F*CK IT.

The Pepperoni.

Pizza So my hubby and the kids ordered pizza last night when I was in bed and this time they actually remembered to save me a slice. Often they forget, or they save me the smallest, dinkiest piece ever.This time though, it only had one pepperoni on it and all the others had been all picked off and I could tell as there were still imprints left indented on the cheese where they had been. I was mad(because I always get the crap) and when I asked my hubby what happened to all my pepperoni he just shrugged, You don’t even like pepperoni! but I told him he knows that I always pick mine off and give it to Buddy who loves it and he goes , It fell off…. and then said it was “payback” for when I plucked a pepperoni off the 11 YR old’s pizza he’d left out on his place setting at the table and gave it to the dog……even though he also failed to mention that it was left out there all night, out in the open, not in a bag, container or in any other protective covering and it was all hard and plastic-like and he wasn’t going to eat it and it would have just been thrown out anyways and I wanted to make sure Buddy got it before my mother tossed it out for the squirrels…..

That didn’t matter though; it was just an opportunity for him to get in a little “dig” at me, to be mean, to hurt me, to be an asshole,a shit-disturber, just to piss me off, like he always does and like how he always looks for,and jumps at, every little chance he can find to use to annoy me, only I was having none of it and then I just went and took a piece of pepperoni off a slice of his pizza that he was saving for his lunch and put it back on mine; just taking back what was mine, what he took from me…..and he was FURIOUS! He was yelling at me,berating me,calling me names, and really mad, so it’s ok that he did it to me but he didn’t like it when I did it back to him? Then he threatens that next time they get pizza he won’t save me any more, no more pizza for me,I’m a bitch, etc…. blah, blah, blah…. I don’t know who he thinks he is, but I’m not letting him treat me like that or control me like that. He’s not getting away with that shit. He’s such an asshole, and I don’t really want to say that I hate anyone, but he sure comes close, and is the one person that I severely dislike the most in the world. I have to get out of here. Please God, get me out….get me out of here….

The plumbers also came and fixed the leaking toilet pipes that dripped thru the ceiling and were luckily able to fix it the “quick fix” using a replacement part in just 3 hours for just over 300$. They said they weren’t sure at first if they could, and if not they’d have to tear out and replace the plumbing in the entire third floor which they said was not up to code once they started tearing further into the ceiling and exposed it when the third floor addition was put on long before we bought it and moved in and it would all have to be torn down and rebuilt,not only the plumbing but the entire third floor, costing thousands and thousands(when we just had a 2 bedroom addition put onto our old house it was 40K just for that but that was when we used to have $$$$), which, of course, we don’t have (and my bedroom’s up there,too, can you imagine going months without a bedroom?), and now I’m also wondering is it safe? maybe that’s why we have so many cracks and bulges in our walls and ceilings? Is the house structurally unsound? Is the foundation sinking and the house will eventually collapse or something if it hasn’t been built properly, will the third floor come crashing down onto the others?…..oh, shit, and I did notice a small sink-hole at one side of the house on the other side of the fence and the fence is leaning inwards,and how are we ever going to be able to sell it now? With our luck the entire house will likely get sucked into a gigantic sink hole….

My mother also always makes my hubby a special, separate meal when he doesn’t eat the same meal as the rest of us as if he’s royalty or something even though it’s not a restaurant and you eat what’s served or you go without(or get your own), except for him; she makes his own special stuff because he’s so picky and when I asked about it she coos, I take care of everyone when in actual fact what she really does is meddle, interfere and  take over everything,always with an ulterior motive, all the while acting like she’s some sort of martyr, and she goes out of her way and bends over backwards for my hubby,too, almost as if she’s trying to “win” him over, or impress him,getting him to take her “side”, and it’s so weird the way she treats him more like a son than she’s ever treated me like a daughter and how the two of them always stick together and gang up on me,scheming, and he’ll never stand up to her, either, or take my side or support me(and neither will she against him); it’s like they’re 2 evil partners in crime and I’m always the odd one out. He even tries to sabotage my bond with Buddy now too; he’ll purposely contradict any command I give him(eg. I tell him to Stay! and he’ll call him to Come!) to confuse him,lure him away from me, and to over-rule me and piss me off. I hate my toxic family. I wish I could just go away and never come back.

Think.

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As well, my hips really hurt I can hardly walk and I limp and hobble slowly along and it feels like my legs have come disjointed from the hip bones and I wondered why as I never did anything….and then I remembered when I fell off the veranda and into the bush by the stairs the other day so that must be it. My abdomenal pain is really bad as well and I’m still itchy and it’s not just from my sunburn and peeling skin because even the soles of my feet are itchy too and that part never even gets tanned or burned so it’s not that and I remember from when I had the Obstetric Cholestasis with the youngest itchy palms and soles were a hallmark sign of liver issues. I also saw a thing online that gave 12 examples of emotional abuse….and guess what….my hubby does all of them to me and it cemented and verified and validated that I really am being abused(and by my mother and kids as well) and I’m not imagining it; it’s not all in my head like they try to make me believe. It is real.

 

Flat.

Screen Shot 10-16-17 at 07.19 PM I feel flat.  Just flat. Just completely stomped on. I heard the kids making fun of my blog last night,and the 16 YR old continues her cruel vendetta against me for whatever reason(what’s her problem,anyway?) and referred to me as that loser over there and said about me, that I’m so ugly I can’t even look at her. This is the kind of crap I get and have to put up from my family all the time and it’s not right.

I’ve had enough. They’re abusive. They’re bullies. They’re cruel. They’re heartless. They’re mean. Normal people don’t go around hurting other people like that. Kids shouldn’t be so disrespectful and no one should treat someone like that. What’s wrong with them,anyway? Why are they so mean?

I’m flat and I feel like I’m just going to curl up into a wisp and be carried off and be free, like a leaf that gets picked up by the wind and blown away. Just all withered away and dried up, used up, flat and dry, nothing left of it anymore. My life now basically consists each day now of just waiting to die.

As well, I all of a sudden feel really nauseated, the 14 YR old has a really sore throat and even had trouble swallowing I hope isn’t Strep throat,and I was concerned my mother might have been having a heart attack as she said she didn’t feel right and her left arm felt “heavy” so I thought at her age it’s better not to take any chances and she should go and get it checked out but she said she never had any nausea, chest or arm pain, arm numbness or tingling, and she wasn’t sweaty or dizzy, so I told her to at least take an Aspirin which is supposed to prevent heart attacks so she did and now she says she feels better, so maybe there’s just some virus going around? She says she also has diarrhrea and the chills now,too…

I Am Pogue.

Screen Shot 08-29-17 at 07.39 PM 001 There was this thing on Facebook that analyzed your profile(although I bet it was probably just random) and comes up with sage advice and a life goal for you, and mine turned out to be eerily just perfect for me, if only I had the courage and the confidence to be  ever actually able to persue my dream goals: to move out away from my toxic family and live independently on my own, learn how to drive a car, and take flying lessons, as I’ve always wanted to be able to fly and seeing the CF-18’s soar across the sky I look up at them and daydream, I wish I could fly one of those, that would be so awesome, and to be able to scream across the sky…  and as we were driving home on the highway yesterday I saw the words Great things are coming on the side of a truck,too, and it struck me as a personal message of hope to me that perhaps there still is hope for my future, that things still can turn around and look up,and maybe it’s never too late to find happiness and love? Maybe one day I’ll finally be free? Maybe I can get my mojo back, find myself again,and be the Old Me again? Have a semblance of my Old Life back? Learn to smile and laugh again? It seems so impossible yet I also know that nothing is impossible with God.

The 22 YR old also finally got a haircut; he found a barber in town he likes and that did it the way he wants and now he looks like my Preppy rich-boy friends from the 80’s, all that’s missing is the pastel shorts, Lacoste polo shirt, cardigan, and deck shoes! The clinic went well yesterday as well and the 14 YR old gained 2 pounds in a week! At first I thought it was a pound but it was 1 kg notpound and a kg is over 2 pounds, so she’s mad, naturally, not wanting to gain any weight, but the rest of us are overjoyed as it means she’s getting healthier and better and closer to her ideal weight! They said the close supervision of meals is what was needed and when they asked her what she thought of that she shrugged in resignation she didn’t like it because now she can’t do ‘bad things’ anymore (such as hiding her food) and it gave everyone a good laugh. The therapist also repeated previous instructions that my hubby is not to talk down to me, belittle or demean me in any way and not to let the kids see him mistreat me like that, and he’s also to tell them to obey me and treat me with respect too,and I’ve noticed in the past week that they haven’t been so mouthy and mean or insulted me or put me down like they usually do and it’s been nice!! I notice absence of the emotional abuse has affected me,too, in a positive way as I feel I’m more joyful now, like I have a spring in my step almost, feel happier, and am in a better mood generally, like it rubbed off on me, and they treat me better then it puts me in a better mood,too.

My Dream.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.23 AM You know what my dream is? I want to learn how to drive. I’m 50 years old and I wish I could drive….but can I overcome my perception problem? I can’t follow maps or directions and I can’t judge space or distance which might pose a problem driving, plus the idea of driving tonnes of steel while other cars whiz past me terrifies me but I really wish I could drive as it would afford me so much freedom and independence. I wouldn’t have to rely on my hubby for rides and transportation is really the only thing I rely on him for or need him for, and he always gives me such a hassle whenever I need him to drive me somewhere and he uses it as a sort of “blackmail” to try to keep me in “line” too by threatening me if I say or do (or don’t do) something he doesn’t like that he won’t drive me to such-and-such, but if I could drive myselfwon’t need him and he won’t be able to hold that leverage over me anymore.

Plus, I love the idea of being able to drive on the open road, to just hop in the car, windows down, the wind blowing thru my hair, music blaring….just no cares in the world, to just be able to take off and escape whenever I want, and I can go anywhere and just drive myself to church, to my medical app’t’s, the cultural events I like to go to, …anywhere, and it will give me such a feeling of freedom and independence, but I don’t have the confidence in myself that I can actually do it, and where would I get $$$$$ for a car anyway, or even for the driving course? That’s always the problem,  not having the $$$$$ for anything! Like most of my dreams it’s probably just yet another of my dreams and hopes that will just have to remain a dream…..just like finding love and escaping this toxic place and living on my own….

Screen Shot 08-22-17 at 02.13 PM As well, as I was in the hospital parking lot yesterday a university-aged guy confronted me as I was wearing this shirt( seen here) which is the symbol of the old Soviet Union and CCCP is Russian for USSR, and goes, You probably shouldn’t be wearing that shirt; millions of people died under that flag! and I just gave him a dirty look,and what about the millions of Native People that died ( Residential schools, anyone?) and were(and continue to be) oppressed here? This country’s not so innocent or as “wonderful” as people make it out to be, think it is,and are deluded into thinking. The 14 YR old also lost weight despite my increasing her portions and we finally found out why: she’s been hiding her food! (like a little mouse)The behaviour therapist was re-arranging her office and she discovered that she’s hidden her snacks( that I send with her during the app’t, which falls over her 11 am snack time) in her office, and I remember as well I did find a piece of the cheddar cheese I gave her behind the microwave the other day too,and she finally admitted it she does it at home too( I hate to think what might be festering behind a couch or who-knows-where)…..so now our supervising her meals is going to be even more stricter. Here we go again…Lord help us….

The family therapy actually went well this time and she actually defended me and told my hubby that he’s NOT to be treating me the way he does, being belittling and condescending, because now the kids are copying it too and they shouldn’t see him do it, and also not only should he not do it himself, but that he should speak up and tell the kids not to mistreat me or be disrespectful to me,either,and he admitted that he does, but tried to “justify” it that I’m annoying, nag, repetitive, and frustrate him and he just wants me to shut up and go away, and she suggested if one or the other of us wants a conversation to end to just write down the last word and end it there….so now what he’s doing is taking advantage of it and taking it to the extreme to try to silence me completely as now every time I even speak he’ll shut me down with a curt and dismissive, Write it down and keep it to yourself! and even if I just express exuberance, joy, happiness, or excitement, or try humour or jokes he just cuts me down and tells me to shut up, trying to silence and squash my enthusiasm,and my everything, just trying to completely erase , silence,and shut down me. It’s like I’m not even “allowed” to talk. I don’t even think I should even talk to him at all anymore but just avoid him because no matter what I say, anything I say and everything I say, every time I open my mouth he’s always tearing me down and criticizing me.

We also stopped off at the mall on the way home, which I never knew we were going to do,and I was wearing my wooden clogs which are the worst possible shoes to be walking around in, plus everything still hurts from the Ex the other day and I limp and hobble along and can hardly walk every muscle hurts, but I did get this cool sequin pillow(with the $$$ I still have left over from the Ex) that’s pink and silver! I’ve always loved sequins ever since I was a little kid and it makes me feel so glamourous, and the 19 YR old said he looked at the eclipse without the proper eye protection and nothing happened and that we’re wimps about it…..except the eye damage isn’t right away; it happens gradually, over a period of days or weeks….I can’t believe that he did that…..holy f*ck…. I hope he doesn’t go blind…he also took this cool picture of the eclipse where he is in Edmonton at work thru a welding  mask.

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The Nice Thing.

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You’re not going to believe this (because I still don’t!) my mother was nice to me! She even did something nice for me! She brought me this bouquet of sunflowers she knows are my faves. she was out and bought them at the grocery store. I LOVE them, and I’m just speechless too because it’s so unlike her! I put them in a vase in the livingroom, where I often am, so I can see them, but also where others are so they can enjoy them,too. It made me happy getting these, seeing them, and every time I look at them, and they’re such joyful, cheery flowers, sort of how like my spirit was, before it broke, before the light went out. I hope to have them at my funeral,too.They can symbolize how I’ll blossom in Heaven, as well! Tall, confident, blooming, beautiful, cheerful, happy, radiant, bright…

The 10 YR old also walked in and seeing Buddy and I he huffed, Ugh! Ugly mother and her stupid dog! and walked out, and another time I invited him to come swim with me and he spat,You’re  stupid ! Shut-up! when a simple No, or even nicer, No, thank you would do, and my hubby hear everything yet he said nothing ( a better man would have scolded the child, Don’t you talk to your mother like that!) and when I told him, See? This is what I mean and what I get all the time! all he said was It’s over!… except it’s not over; I have to put up with this shit every single day.

As for 3 of the kids proudly celebrating that they “broke” me, friends I’d told about it responded by saying:

  • The kids must have learned that crap from my hubby (RIGHT< THERE!)
  • They would beat their ass and smart mouth
  • I should emancipate them
  • I should take them to court for abuse
  • Abuse is illegal( both physical and emotional)
  • I should get them out of my life
  • That I deserve better
  • That they need to be punished
  • I should have a restraining order in place
  • If the kids disrespect me then I should show their belongings the same respect that they show me
  • That the kids’ future relationships and marriages won’t last as if they don’t respect their mother they won’t respect anyone else

I think it’s unanimous…..we can all agree on:

my kids are assholes!

assholes!

assholes!

Sunflowers.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.39 PM 001 Walking to church on Sundays I always walk by these sunflowers in a garden so this time I decided to take photos of them. I love sunflowers so much. They’re just so cheerful, so happy, so sunny!   I’ve even had dreams I’m in Heaven running thru a wide open field of sunflowers.If you look closely you can even see a bee inside it, too! I wanted to plant sunflowers in my garden this YR too but I could never find any at any of the places that sold seedlings and young plants so I’m wondering if maybe the people here just grew their own, like planting a sunflower seed themselves right in the soil and going from there?  Maybe I’ll have to try that next YR, only start early planting the seed indoors in the beginning and then transplanting into the soil outdoors in late May…Some asshole stole one of our flowers from our garden at the front,too, they scooped it clean out in a clean, perfect scoop and took it right out of the garden. If it was an animal digging it up it wouldn’t have been so clean, so smooth,and so precise, and with no evidence of the flower left behind. I’m nicer; I didn’t steal the sunflowers I admire, I just took photos of them.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.38 PM 001 As well, the 16 YR old’s hamster died! She only had it for a month, but a couple of days ago the 10 YR old barged into her room yelling and really scared it, so much it kept squealing forever and hasn’t been the same since….and now it died. I think it must have had a heart-attack and he literally scared it to death. Small rodents like that are very skittish and high-strung and get scared and anxious very easily and don’t handle stress, loud noises and fright well. The 14 YR old was the first one to notice as when she went in to see it, it wasn’t moving so she suspected it but they’re scared to touch dead things so they had me come up to confirm it….so I picked it up and the poor little thing was curled up in the corner of the cage, eyes half-open, cold, stiff,and hard…..most definitely dead and it had been for some time, my guess is it died sometime during the night. It was just so sad. So they buried it in the backyard in a Girl Guides cookie box ( I had to put it in there along with bedding and toys, as no one else wanted to touch the dead thing) and gave it a nice little hamster funeral incl. a stone on top of the grave so the raccoons don’t dig it up and eat it, a grave marker with a name, an artificial flower, and a cross made out of popsicle sticks. I just hope it didn’t have some kind of animal disease or something that dogs can catch and that Buddy will get it and die now,too….

We also have drug dealers  as neighbours at the house at the corner: in a span of 30 minutes at least 8-10 cars would pull up to their house and they’d go inside for less than 5 minutes each and then leave…..so what would you think? What’s ironic is that the house next door to them used to be drug dealers too until the people moved out, and they even used to leave their Christmas lights on all YR and turn them on as a sign to their customers that they were home and open for business!

The 14 YR old likes to make fun of a TV show I watch as well, Born This Way, a docu-series about adults with Down Syndrome but I just consider where it comes from, a person that watches that stupid America’s Got Talent, a lame-o talent show, and they’re always putting down and insulting my TV shows and all interests and things I like, and I realize that you can’t make someone like you or treat you right, all you can do is try and make an effort and do your best but then know when it’s time to walk away. No one deserves to be abused. I know the way they constantly degrade, belittle, ridicule, criticize, blame, bully, insult, and berate me is emotional abuse, and it feels just like it did with the bullies in school that tormented me and made my life hell….only now it’s my own family doing it which is even worse.

I get the impression that God, for some reason, wants me to hold on, to stay alive, to keep fighting the fight,not to kill myself, as hard as it is to keep holding on sometimes, I can only take so much and it’s so tempting to just let go…. and that in time, a twist of fate will occur where I eventually will get a fresh start, start over, and find happiness and love at last, and when I prayed for a sign what He wants me to do, the Howard Jones song, Things Can Only Get Better randomly came on my iPod! How freaky is that? If He wants me to hold on He’s going to have to give me the strength I need though, and hope as well, so I know it will eventually end and I will find a way out of this toxic environment , and live a life worth living where I’m not always so wound-up with anxiety, nerves, stress, brokenness, dread, worry, misery, hurt, heartbreak,and weariness that I’m always trembling and shaking and a bundle of nerves, constantly on edge.

New Bikes.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 07.57 AM 002 The 14 and 16 YR olds got new bikes, pictured here. Sorry the photo isn’t better; I tried to get it on my iPod but something went wrong and it ended up being a video instead and I didn’t know how to fix it so I just got a photo off the video, so this is what you get. They also got new helmets because they can’t find their old ones and it’s easier to just go out and buy new ones than to look in our messy cluttered house to try and find anything. Hopefully going on bike rides will put a smile back on the 14 YR old’s face. She still continues to be disrespectful to me,too, such as when I asked her at meal time, Who do you want to sit with you? and she snarled, Not you! Now, go away! This is how I get treated and talked to all the time. Also the 16 YR old gave her word she would cut the grass on the weekend( and it really needs it!) and then changed her mind and it never got done so I was mad and she talked back to me in a sassy tone, You can shut-up now, Oldie! You’re soooo annoying! Now bye!” and flounced off when I told her I’ll just give the job to someone else then; I don’t care who does it as long as it gets done. She has such attitude!

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 08.28 AM This is also the adorable Jack Russel Terrier puppy that my cousin bought for his son…..and he paid 3000$ for it, too! Isn’t it just the cutest, sweetest little thing though? He was kind to me as well telling me that I am worth loving and that life is worth living and said don’t let anyone tell you different, so not everyone in my family hates me, tears me down,and treats me like shit and makes me feel worthless, just my mother, hubby,and kids, and I pray to God every day that He sends me someone to show me that life is worth living and that I am  worth loving. Sometimes it just gets soooo hard to keep holding on though but I find when the suicidal thoughts do come that weed calms me and takes those feelings away temporarily as I float away and escape for a few HRS, but I hope to get away for good, to just walk away and never look back. I need a new life. I can’t just pick up and leave though; it’s not that easy; where would I go? I don’t have any $$$$ and nowhere to go… my hubby says I could just be homeless and live in the street but come on; I do have some standards! I want to get away from this toxic environment but I also want to be safe!

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This is also our funny new pool floatie: it’s a pizza! They also had beachballs with pizza but they were 20$ so we just bought a beachball for 99 cents because we’re cheap like that, and the pool water turned the 14 YR old’s hair green, and the 16 YR old almost accidently drowned Buddy as well; she threw him in the pool and he stopped swimming and started to go under and I had to grab him by the neck ( the only thing I could reach) and pull him out. The poor dog was just so scared. My hubby also went back to Toronto for the weekend(so guess who had to walk to church again?) and he brought back the second-oldest who’s staying visiting for a few days she has off work.

My mother also got a 45 $ bill for the ambulance, and I wonder if because it wasn’t really an emergency and wonder if it was, like for a heart attack, stroke, shooting, stabbing, car accident, etc.. if they’d still charge you for it or not, and the taxi would have only been 7$ or so…..see, I told her she should have taken a taxi….and now she has to find 45$ somewhere to pay it, a cousin in Europe said he had an earthquake there, and while out walking Buddy I felt like I was going to faint too and I really didn’t think I was going to make it and was afraid I was going to pass out before I got home but I made it ok. The stress in my life is killing me. I also got my fave. priest in church yesterday so I went to Confession so if I die now I’ll go to Heaven as I’m in a state of grace, and he said I’m not unlovable or worthless like my family thinks and makes me feel either because God created me and put me on this Earth for a purpose.(and I know He loves me even if no one else does) I just wish I knew what it was.