10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Thursday Thoughts.

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Screenshot_198 Social Phobia.

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Screenshot_207 I do this all the time! “You know who you are!!”

Screenshot_208 Me, all except for the crystals part. 🙂

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Screenshot_210 Try looking in-between the sofa cushions….

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Screenshot_214 Public school summed up.

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Screenshot_217 We have lots of NUTS on our family tree !!  😀

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As well, today starts the 4 day Adventure in Toronto for my hubby (as it turns out, he got this whole week off for vacation!) and most of the kids. Him, the 17 YR old and the 15 YR old will meet up with the second-oldest and then they will  also meet up with the 19 YR old and the 21 YR old who take trains in. Today they’re going to the CNE (The Ex) and tomorrow the girls go to the Ed Sheeran concert. Not my kind of music but I still hope they have fun. It will also be their very first– ever concert so they will get to experience for the first time ever the wonderful incredible, amazing, mind-altering experience of a live music concert. My hubby never saw the joy and wonder of it, but I’m hoping they will,like how I do, how you just feel the music, how you absorb it and it just becomes a part of your heart and soul, of your very being.  Hopefully this will be one of those memories that lasts a lifetime. Then they also go to FanExpo. It also gives me a few quiet days at home with less people, less noise, less stress, and not having to prepare any meals.

I’m also shocked and dumbfounded as well to find out one of my Facebook friends whose husband just died just a mere 6 months ago is in a new relationship already! Shit! That sure didn’t take long! This is the same one that thought she had her first grandchildren but it turned out her son wasn’t the father. This woman is in her 60’s and an upright, good Christian woman. You think she’d know better and have more respect than that and show some class. I think it’s still way too soon. I just hope too that it’s not some kind of con man or something taking advantage of the “poor widow” in distress….There was an ambulance and fire truck in front of my neighbour L’s house across the street from us last night too and they were there 30 minutes or so too so it worries me and I hope her and her husband are all right and it wasn’t anything serious! Them and us are the only last ones of the “originals” left on our street from when we first moved here 15 YRS ago.

Guys! Wait Up!!

Screenshot_180 I remember calling out breathlessly, Guys! Wait up!! as I ran after my friends as a kid, straggling along behind, trailing along, unable to keep up, out of breath(with my breathing problem) as they raced on ahead, faster than me, walking bigger, longer strides, and I was always winded and struggled to keep pace, and ended up falling behind, and that Guys! Wait up!! was probably one of my most-used pleas  and most often-used words of my childhood, and it made me think about wildlife in their natural habitat and how the smaller, younger or older and weaker and sickly ones in the herd always get separated from the herd as they struggle to keep out and fall behind, only to become an easy target for a predator, waiting for one to become separated from the herd. 

That’s me. I’m the weakest link in the herd, the one that’s always trailing last, straggling along behind the others, unable to keep pace, falling behind, can’t keep up, the vulnerable one, the weak one,  the lone one off on it’s own,  the runt, the separate one,  the one that’s singled out and targeted for attack, the one the predator snatches up. In life I’m that same breathless kid yelling out to my friends to wait for me because I can’t keep up with them(and even now when I go to the mall with my family walking they’re always so far ahead of me I can’t keep in step and I’m always trailing along far behind), or the weakest member of the herd that can’t keep up and falls so far behind, alone and defenceless, and becomes separated, falling easy prey to attack.

Screenshot_183 After it must be 12 or 13 days now (I’ve lost count) something like that my epic bruise is finally healing up! I thought it would never go away! The second-oldest is also visiting a few days before she moves to Vancouver, and my mother thought that the movie Crazy Rich Asians was called Those Crazy Asians. I just face-palmed, shook my head in disbelief and walked away. Sometimes there are just no words. Tomorrow it will be a glorious 12 weeks (which is 3 months!) since I last had Aunt Flow,too, so I hope it’s finally ended and I’m in menopause at last…I also know that this was a hallucination as well: I “heard” a little girl say to me tauntingly in a sing-song voice, You’re going to DIE today!