Bundled Up.

Screen Shot 01-08-18 at 02.08 PM Here I am, all bundled up for winter. I look like I’m going out on an Arctic expedition. Thankfully the frigid Arctic cold spell we’ve been having for the past couple of weeks has passed and this week it’s actually going to be mild, even above 0 C, like today, for example, it got to  a balmy 2 C and on Thursday they say it’s even going up to 9 C and rain! (hey, I can get out my shorts and flip-flops!) We also got a shit-load of snow yesterday but it was also the nice fluffy kind, with the big fat flakes that turned into packing snow once it hit the ground, but it was a bugger to shovel, and as I shovelled out Buddy a pathway in the backyard to go pee (it was finally mild enough to take him out for a walk once again except they hadn’t plowed the sidewalk and there was nowhere to walk) I thought I was going to have a heart-attack, but at least the snow is pretty and I’d still much rather have the snow and have it warmer than freeze in the cold temps. Of course what I really want is to be on a beach in the Caribbean… sure beats the – 40 C temps we’ve been having…

Screen Shot 01-08-18 at 02.14 PM I also took this photo in the morning(before it melted) of the freshly fallen snow, revealing the beauty of winter. I posted it on my hubby’s brother’s Facebook as well joking Look what we got and you missed out on!  Do you regret not having this in Hawaii?  One of my happiest winter memories as a kid is going ice skating with my friend D and also tobogganning and I can still clearly picture myself playing out in my yard in Toronto in grade 6 wearing my navy blue parka with the fur hood,my white angora hat and mitts,  my then-fashionable Roadrunner jeans and tan Cougar boots and what a happy time in my life it was, and yet how blissfully unaware I was that in just a few more mere months, just after that summer, that my happy life would soon end and life as I knew it would be over and the best part of my life would end. I would go on to have some happy moments but The Old Me would cease to exist and my life would never be the same. I was months away from losing myself and I had no idea; no idea what was in store for me and my life ahead, how 12 years of happiness would abruptly end and be followed by trauma and crisis, heartache, misfortune and misery,abuse, rejection, bullying, victimization,and disappointment, one after the other, time and time again, until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I finally broke.

I also still have “Aunt Flow”, which I’ve had now for 11 days alternating some days a dark brown flow, other days a bright red, it’s so screwed up l have the abdomenal pain, I wonder if maybe I have endometriosis or something and need a D&C and need to just get it all scraped out inside but what I really want is a hysterectomy and just be done with this shit for good. I’m too old for this. I think I had another seizure in my sleep as well as I bit my tongue during my sleep and now the entire outside right side of it is swollen, hurts, is sore,and has teeth dents along it. I had a dream as well I was away and it was implied that I had either died and was revived or I had been in a coma for awhile and when I came back I found out my 5 month old grandson(I don’t even have any grandchildren yet) had died of SIDS; it was weird. The dentist also keeps calling me for an app’t for a check-up or cleaning or whatever but I haven’t got time for that now with all my other app’t’s with the cardiologist and also trying to figure out what’s causing my bleeding, abdomenal pain, seizures, etc..I have too many other things going on to worry about right now, my teeth aren’t a priority. They’re ugly and crooked anyway and I can’t ever afford to have them fixed.

Officially Stupid.

Screen Shot 01-05-18 at 06.03 PM So now the CT scan showed I have White Matter Disease, basically a degenerative brain decline, most likely caused by my high BP, it explains why I struggle with problem solving, have trouble understanding stuff, need things repeated, am forgetful, have difficulty with certain concepts, struggle with everything, am out of focus, get confused, etc..(on top of my Asperger’s which has already made everything a struggle for me). and it only gets worse and my family has always made fun of me and belittled me, calling me stupid and shaking their heads, rolling their eyes, face-palming, etc. showing their displeasure, frustration, annoyance, condesending remarks, disbelief, etc.. at my ineptness, incompetence, lack of intelligence and understanding and inability, at my comments, etc.. yet now I have an official medical diagnosis and reason why. I have a reason.

I’m not just stupid I’m officially stupid, officially medically diagnosed with a degenerative brain disorder that’s causing brain and memory decline, I’m not just doing it on “purpose” to annoy them and I haven’t always been this bad and I’ve lost what little “smarts” I did used to have before. I wonder how that makes them feel now though; for making fun of me and putting me down for something I can’t help and have no control over, for bullying and being intolerant of a disease, a disability, that I can’t help? They probably still don’t feel badly, regret it, or care though, since they’ve always hated me, blamed me, and berated me for my Asperger’s, bipolar, and social phobia as well, also disabilities that they mock me for but I are beyond my control; it’s like making fun of handicapped people,like a blind guy , someone with Down Syndrome, or in a wheelchair, which they also do. The 23 YR old joked I officially have half a brain now but it’s like a senior with dementia or Alzheimer’s; they can’t help it and it’s just sad to see someone’s mind and memory slipping away, to see them lose who they are and to struggle with simple tasks they could once do, or wandering off and getting lost, forgetting their own address(I forget my phone number all the time and mixed up my postal code the other day and never know what day it is), not recognizing family, etc. and it’s something that needs compassion and understanding, not mocking and criticism,and besides, we’re all going to get old someday and decline.

My hubby said now I’m losing my mind and the way he said it and the way he looked at me I could tell he just seemed so….disgusted and fed up. How does he think I feel? My only hope is that either I die before it gets too bad or at least that I forget all the shit in my life and all the trauma, bad luck, and horrible things I’ve had in my life; that I’ll reach the point I won’t even know who I am or what’s happened in my life or how my family treats me. Maybe that’s the gift God’s giving me, the blessing, the answer to my prayer? Maybe He’s not removing all the shit from my life or removing me from my life but rather instead He’s removing my memory of it? Maybe that’s the key to my happiness? If I don’t remember, I will no longer be scarred and broken.

The diarrhrea and rectal bleeding is also back again(and with a vengeance!) as well and I don’t mean just a little…..and the abdomenal pain and cramps with it are so bad it’s the kind of pain that just makes you curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth and curl your toes, and every time the shit squirts out I could see the blood gush out with it, and the toilet bowl’s filled a bright red and looks like someone’s dumped a bunch of cherry Kool-Aid in there so I wonder if the colon polyps are back again? It’s also – 42 C yesterday and today with the wind-chill; bone-chilling cold and too cold for human existance, and when I commented online about a woman going topless at a festival who complained when she got groped and I said walking around like that with her boobs hanging out what does she expect someone accused me of being a man with a rapist mentality until I told them, No….I’m actually a woman, so wrong! It’s like dangling meat in front of a dog and then acting surprised when it snatches it….while I agree that men shouldn’t rape I also think that women shouldn’t be teases either; it works both ways.

I also had this ongoing argument with my mother and hubby about what defines “fast food”:  they say any pre-cooked, pre-prepared food qualifies even if purchased from the grocery store, such as rotisserie chicken, chicken strips, subs, etc. but I say it has to actually come from a restaurant, not a store, otherwise it’s just groceries; it’s just regular food, not fast food and so I went online to check official definitions of “fast food”…..and I was right! They all said it has to come from a  “restaurant” or kiosk. So, HA!!Suck it!!

 

NYE. Good Riddance!!

Screen Shot 12-30-17 at 06.43 PM I can’t believe it already, the end of another year. I say good riddance to 2017 though, it was a bad year though between the 14 YR old’s crisis and my medical issues, our enemy’s return, along with the usual shit and stress in my life so I’ll be glad to see it go. 2016 was a bad year as well with the 19 YR old’s crisis. I can’t wait for this year to end quickly enough! I sure hope 2018 will be better but given our luck and past experiences I doubt that it will be. I expect the same old shit, just a different year. We never seem to catch a break or get time off from constant trauma, crisis, and stress. Pretty well every year is a bad year for us. I was hoping I’d die this year, now I’m 50, and I really thought I would, but on the 4th I turn 51 so it had better hurry up and happen fast then as I only have a few days left now and am quickly running out of time. It’s depressing to me to think that I could possibly still be here next year and live thru another year….maybe even longer….holy shit, maybe even decades longer still….oh, my God… that thought really bums me out. I’m ready to go. I have been for a long time now.

I used to get dressed up and go to New Year’s Eve parties when I was much younger, in my 20’s and 30’s but not any more; I haven’t in so long, now I can’t even stay awake that late and nowadays by the time Midnight rolls around I’ve already been fast asleep for several hours! Plus I don’t have anyone to go with and nothing to celebrate anyway and I don’t drink so there’s really no point. Aunt Flow also showed up, 5 days early and the cramps and bleeding are off the chart….I really hate this and I’m too old for this shit now and don’t need it anymore….I really hope my doc will finally refer me to a gyno as I know something’s wrong down there and I just want to get this thing out and finally be done with it for good. Before it used to be a necessary evil but I don’t need it anymore. Enough is enough.

It’s still friggin’ cold out there and continues to break records and NYE celebrations all over the country are being shortened or cancelled due to the frigid temps although it makes me skeptical since we always have cold winters and people here know how to dress for it….I wonder if instead if the real reason might have been some sort of credible terrorist threat and they cancelled it just to be safe, so there wouldn’t be a huge crowd open to attack….it just makes me wonder…. the 14 YR old also complained she hates Canada too because it’s so cold and my hubby asked her if she’d rather live in USA instead with Trump and all the mass shootings but why does it always have to be one or the other with him all the time? There are other choices,too, you know; there’s something like 206 countries in the world…

Toxic Stress.

Screen Shot 12-29-17 at 06.23 PM I read on a blog recently there is something called toxic stress that burns people out and breaks them over time and it sounds exactly like what I have; stress so bad due to continual ongoing trauma over the years that affects you to such a degree that you’re basically always on survival mode, adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) is always running high, you’re always on alert and wary, in a fight-or-flight mode, always on guard, never at ease or able to fully relax or let your guard down, always highly anxious and stressed. That’s me. Needless to say being in this state constantly takes a toll on you both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just like my mother had emblazoned on one of her coffee mugs: stress is my life.

This is what my family and my life has done to me.

As well, we’re still in the record cold, it’s like living in the frozen Arctic tundra, and even colder here than in Siberia, Alaska, even the North Pole. It’s just too cold for human life and the 14 YR old complains she hates Canada too as it’s just too cold. Yeah, I know. I get it. We’re just in the wrong country. I would really love to hibernate on a tropical beach in the Caribbean. We’re getting colds now too with the frigid weather and have our thermostat and heaters cranked up to the highest settings and it’s still cold! The heated blanket has become my new best friend.

The 14 YR old also likes to make fun of my green trackpants that has the word candy written across the ass, even though I never even noticed it was there when I first bought it; it just  on sale so I snatched it up; she says she has to get laser eye surgery now because seeing that burned her eyes out….ha,ha….very funny. I’ve been really itchy lately as well which could indicate liver and/or kidney failure as the toxins build up in my body and cause rashes,red spots, allergic reactions, and itchiness, and even my eyeballs have been itchy and burning stinging sore too but not red and sore like with Pink-eye, but it may be jaundice from my liver as they do look a bit yellow along with my skin so it could be that with my liver. Perhaps that’s how I’ll die; multiple organ failure with my heart, liver,and kidneys? I really am an old, broken down, falling apart jalopy. It’s also itchy on the back of my head every day as well on the spot where I hit it when I fainted and fell, making me wonder if it’s a sign of healing….or something else perhaps…

Slowly, One By One…

Screen Shot 12-27-17 at 06.57 PM So 3 of the kids who now live away from home have now left and gone back, leaving just the 21 YR old still here visiting as she has the most time off ( 2 weeks) from university but the second-oldest went back first, the day after Christmas as she had to get back to work,and the 18 YR old left yesterday as she has to get back to school and also as she’s visiting her BF and his family for a few days,too, before she heads back,and wouldn’t you know it, her train was 90 minutes late and the train station here is nothing more than this teeny little bus shelter with no heat.Slowly, one by one, they leave and the 18 YR old was funny,too, she said she shouldn’t have to wash the dishes as she’s a guest in our home and I told her she’s not a guest, she’s family and if she’s a guest then why are we doing her laundry for her and my hubby added and if she’s a guest then why does she open our fridge and just help herself so I asked So then, are you a guest….or family? and she laughed and goes, It depends… She was also spooked one night woken up by a mouse by her head at her pillow eating her Christmas Kinder egg chocolate she got in her stocking!

As well, it’s freezing cold out there and we broke a record; – 28 C with wind-chill of – 34 C and they say New Year’s Eve is expected to be the coldest one in 50 years and it’s cold here today the coldest place on Earth right now,too, even colder than the North Pole and Nunavut! You have no idea how much I’m tempted right now to just contact my travel agent and have her book me a last minute trip to the Caribbean; just charge it on my credit card and just go, like I did when I went to Cuba back in May…it’s too bad I’d have to come back though.

I was thinking as well how they’re concerned the 21 YR old may have a blood disorder as she bled so much and so heavy after her foot surgery and it hit me that I likely do as well and that’s probably where she got if from; genetics, as every time I have a baby I bleed profusely; I hemmorage, and it always worries them and I have to stay a long time in the recovery room for observation and always need drugs in the IV to control the bleeding and with the 3rd baby they were even thinking I might need a transfusion and with Aunt Flow it’s always so heavy and soaking thru tampons every hour, sometimes even less… it really does make me wonder…

My mother also was startled seeing alot of blood in the toilet and she thought someone had Aunt Flow and didn’t flush but it turned out it was her and she’s bleeding out of her ass, just like I was before, and mine turned out to be a polyp in my colon so I wonder if she has the same thing, esp. since colon polyps tend to be genetic as well? Hopefully that’s all it is, either that or hemmoroids or something, and not cancer…the weird thing is too that I’m more worried about her rectal bleeding than I ever was about my own! Buddy also often barks at the 10 YR old and the 21 YR old but not the others like that and my theory is that he can somehow sense people that are hostile to me and don’t like me and he’s being defensive and trying to protect me from people he thinks may do me harm because they give off this negative vibe towards me….

As well as that, I’d mentioned this guy on a commercial on TV has a girl’s hairstyle as it was long and pushed back with a headband and she snarled I shouldn’t insult him and that my hair is a guy’s hairstyle when I didn’t even mean anything of it; I wasn’t even “insulting” him; it was just an observation, a comment,and I notice that her and the second-oldest are the worst at doing that to me; whenever I say anything, express an opinion, make an observation or statement they always think it’s critical and insulting even when it’s not, even when it’s just an observation or my opinion,and they always scold, condemn, rebuke, and berate me for it. I can’t say anything without them jumping on me, taking it the wrong way, twisting it around,and turning on me. The 14 YR old also said that I’m the most disgusting person she knows but at least I’m not the one that drinks juice out of the container…. I use a glass, and I don’t wipe my dirty greasy hands on my pants,either.