A Nice Day.

Screenshot_565 Yesterday was a really nice day. Well, not in the morning, when we had really heavy rain but then around 11 am it all cleared up and the sun came up and it was nice and sunny and warm. It had been cool, windy and rainy for the past few days, dull, yucky fall days, but yesterday was nice and it was warm: 19 C! Of course during the night it then dropped down to 2 C and we had frost and today the high’s only supposed to be 12 C but I enjoyed it when I could and spent as much time outside as I can because I know my outdoors days are numbered.

The girls also went to a Ladies’ Day thing in town at the stores where women get free stuff and discounts and stuff from the vendors and the 23 YR old(who’s a dude) went with them too and decided to try and get the free stuff as well by telling them that he “self-identifies” as a woman and if they refuse he’ll cry “discrimination”. He was originally going to dress in drag too for more effect but decided against it. It actually worked,too, surprisingly; he got free wine, cheese, and other things,and one girl even praised him for being so “brave” for coming “out” as a girl!  😀  He’s shameless and there’s nothing he won’t do for free stuff! I like free stuff,too, but I have some standards and some dignity though.

Screenshot_568 I also saw this on Facebook and I really needed to see it today, so I re-posted it on my profile in case someone else needs to see it too. It’s “funny” how God always seems to have a way of working things out and answering prayer just when you need it and how He works thru other people as well. My friend A’s ( in Ottawa) Chihuahua had her eye removed recently due to inherited glaucoma and yesterday she just had the other eye removed as well so now she’s totally blind, the poor little thing, and she’s still young too, like 3 years old or something like that, but she was already pretty well blind from the glaucoma anyway but it’s still sad but fortunately dogs seem to have a way of adapting well. I also noticed Buddy has a bit of swelling on the top of his right eye; the lump had always been at the bottom before, so maybe the fluid first starts to build up there and then moves downward for his cyst or whatever it is, so just in case I massaged and “milked” it, like you would with a blocked tear duct, to try and drain it, so hopefully it will prevent another big lump from forming again.

Slices Of Life.

Screenshot_482 This is so weird: I must be really losing it: I was looking on my daily calendar I have on my computer and I noticed I’d had noted I’d had something checked off that I’d done on 19 September but then I thought to myself, Well, how can that be possible? It’s not even the 19th yet! That’s not until next week….am I in some sort of time warp, or what? and so I sat there for a few moments trying to comprehend this and I just sat there staring at the calendar and then it finally hit me, Oh, wait a minute….we’re already into the last week of September! The 19 was last week! Generally I don’t know what day it is(Like, What day is today, anyway? Is it Wednesday or Thursday?) but this has taken it to a whole new level. I’m such a space cadet. It was funny as well the 17 YR old had just walked in the door coming back from work and then she went out again(I presume to the corner store or something quick) which I wasn’t aware of…..only to walk right back in the door again less than 10 minutes later and when I asked Who is that? Who are all these people that keep coming thru our door? the 11 YR old said it was her and when I said she’d already came back he cracked, It’s The Second Coming.

My friend A (from Ottawa) his aunt(who is originally from Chile along with the rest of the family but she now lives in Ottawa) also turned 100 years old and the Ambassador of Chile came and visited her and brought her flowers and a commemorative plaque! How cool is that? She lives in a nursing home now and the poor woman’s so frail now she’s in a wheelchair with her head crooked to one side but I still remember her from over some 30 years ago, and she made the BEST turkey stuffing ever! We had Christmas dinner at their house one year and it was amazing. It was sad too how my friend told me how she had a Great Love once but he was killed in the war and after that she stayed a spinster. They always called her Tia, Spanish for Aunty.

Buddy’s lump under his eye also looks bigger again now, leading to me wonder if it might be an allergy or plugged sinus as if it was a tumour of some sort it wouldn’t keep getting bigger and  smaller and then disappearing and then coming back and then getting smaller again and then bigger…..it would just stay there permanantly and keep growing bigger. I’m also trying bit by bit, piece by piece, to try and connect with the person I once was, the Old Me that was happy and knew how to laugh and smile and have fun, sort of like trying to find my Inner Child again in a way, to reconnect with who I was, who I used to be, who I miss and wish I was again in which feels like almost another life, ages ago, before all the traumas, before all the brokenness, before all the damage.

Now the 15 and 17 YR old are playing on my worries, anxieties,and fears as well by saying that the 19 YR old’s BF is a typical arrogant rich boy and that he’s not a nice or a good person and he’s just like all her other friends, implying  good-looking, popular, mean, elitist, looking down on others less attractive or deemed less “worthy”, and bullying, the exact kind I can’t stand, the exact kind that tormented and bullied me in school, the exact way I did NOT raise my kids to be OR to hang out with and they also said that he doesn’t ‘let’  her be with her friends which concerns me and is a red-flag warning to posessive, controlling behaviour and an indication of future abusive behaviour/ domestic violence as they  first isolate the victim.

I’ve only met him briefly, once, when he picked her up, only for a couple of minutes, but my hubby’s spent some time with him so I asked him what his impression was and all he said when I asked if there’s any actual truth to it or if they’re just trying to start drama and to make me worry was He’s, well…..different from us…. and when I asked how, different in what way, he goes, I don’t know….just….different but knowing him that might just mean that he’s cultured, polite,and has manners or something,too, or maybe he’s  just neater, or more ordered or something, less chaotic or messy as compared to us., in a good way…or, maybe the guys’ just normal and doesn’t come from a weird, crazy family like ours and he doesn’t know what to make of it ?Why do they keep doing things like this to me though? Why do they keep saying things they know will cause me panic, distress, worry, sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, and so on? it’s just not right,and it’s cruel, is what it is and I’m just left not ever knowing what’s true and what isn’t and even now the kids are older and away from home with their own lives I don’t stop worrying about them I just can’t do anything about it anymore to try and protect them and keep them safe(other than prayers)…..and that’s what really worries me. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

So now I worry I may(assuming what I’ve been told is even true, that is…) have 2 kids that sell drugs and another in an unhealthy possibly abusive relationship on top of all the other shit in my life and stress. No wonder I have high BP and stomach ulcers!!

Never Doubt Your Faith.

Screenshot_414 Just recently I had what you would describe as a crisis of faith of sorts. It wasn’t that I ever doubted God though or my faith in Him, but rather  doubts within myself and my own reasoning the physical(evidence) was contradicting with the spiritual and I was torn and didn’t know what to believe and then a small, still voice impressed upon my heart: Never doubt your faith. Never doubt, most importantly, your faith in God, but also never doubt your faith in yourself and your abilities, capabilities, strength, resilience, endurance, and worth, and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Screenshot_413 I had been praying for a sign of roses from St. Therese that the lump under Buddy’s eye wasn’t cancer and he wasn’t dying anytime soon and I did keep seeing, everywhere, online, on TV, in ads, outside, in various colours, an obvious sign from St. Therese, even praying hands holding a rose, now that’s pretty obvious, and as about as clear as an answer and reassurance could be….

and yet…..

I was still afraid he had cancer and was dying because despite the answer to my prayer and despite my strong faith, the physical signs worried me greatly and caused me doubt, What if this  time it’s wrong?  What if it really wasn’t St. Therese who sent me the roses as a sign but someone else did, to deceive me? etc. and all kinds of doubts and fears plagued me and I wasn’t sure what to think and what to believe anymore and then I felt so guilty, so weak, that my faith  had been put to the test like that and I was struggling so much,losing, and that my doubts were seemingly stronger than my faith…I needed something concrete  I could hold on to for hope.

Buddy6

As it turned out my prayers were answered and the signs were legit: Buddy’s lump is much smaller and shrinking down now(and he’s feeling better today too and back to eating again) and if it was a tumour it wouldn’t just heal like that on it’s own, not without Divine healing, unless, of course, when I blessed him the other day,laid my hands on him and prayed a healing prayer over him God healed him? Either way, I’m just thankful and I just have to remember to never doubt my faith.