Unhappy Hippo.

Screenshot_945 You know how we had to turn our clocks back an HR for the fall time change? I had made sure the ones that didn’t self re-set were switched before I went to bed and then when I got up yesterday at 7 am I’d taken Buddy out, had my breakfast and had my bath, and I glanced at the time and it said it was already 8:45 and I thought, Oh, my God! How could it possibly be so late already? when usually it would have only taken about 30 minutes, and I wondered if maybe I’d spent alot longer on our walk or in my bath than I’d realized or something….then I really had to haul ass and get everyone up for breakfast and church on time… How can it be this late already?

When I called the 15 YR old down for breakfast my mother said It’s only 7:45! It’s too early! so I thought Maybe the time on my computer is just wrong then? Maybe it didn’t self-set last night? so I went around the house checking all the other clocks,too, seeing what the actual real time was. I checked my iPod, the stove, the microwave,the TV, and Google Home….but Google Home wasn’t working,and all the clocks except the iPod still said 8:45 so I figured if just my iPod said 7:45 and all the others all said 8:45 then they must all be right and the iPod must be the one that didn’t self re-set, and so it must really be 8:45 afterall. Just to be sure though I posed on Facebook saying I wasn’t sure what time it was and within seconds a cousin replied and said it was….

7:45.

….What the?????

Screenshot_946 So, let me get this straight: the iPod was actually right all along and all the others were wrong. Then I later find out it was a prank. My hubby and the kids were just mind-f*cking me again, messing with me, playing with my head, playing a trick on me to confuse and befuddle me so I wouldn’t know what time it was, get confused, and end up waking everyone up an hour early(which I did.) They had re-set all the clocks(except for my iPod which I guess they forgot) back again to the old time(and disabled Google Home) so when I got up I’d just think it was the new time, the correct time and not know what the real time actually was.

I don’t know why they always like confusing me and making me crazy.They seem to think it’s funny taking advantage of my forgetfulness but I’m tired of always being the butt of their jokes all the time, and then when I tell them to lay off they blame me and accuse me of being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke; my hubby’s classic excuse trying to justify his constant ill-treatment, insults, put-downs, bullying, and tormenting of me. Also: this also goes to show that the majority might say one thing and there’s this one sole one all on his own saying something completely different and the majority isn’t always right, like the iPod; it was the only one that said 7:45 but it was the one that had the actual time.

As well, for the past 2-3 weeks or so the bottom of my left heel(that’s also the same leg I had the blood clot, big bruise, and that  still always feels tired, achy and sore, swollen and puffy) really hurts and it’s getting worse, so bad now I can’t even step on it.I asked my hubby if he would massage or reflexology it for some relief but he refused; he doesn’t want to touch me because I’m fat and gross. I wonder if it’s arthritis or something, esp. since I haven’t injured it, or if I do have cancer( and I actually do expect the cervical cancer test to come back positive…) maybe it has something to even do with that? Perhaps it’s spread? (I wonder how my toxic family will feel then too if it turns out I do have cancer and here they are they’re always hassling me for always laying around, being so tired, resting so much and sleeping so much….)

Buddy also did this shit that worries me,too: it was a gelationous reddish-pink congealed thing, and looked like it had tiny pieces of flesh in it,indicating bleeding, and I hope just something he ate that disagreed with him and not internal bleeding; that he’s not dying or something; he’s my whole world; my only friend and the only one that loves me. If I lose him I’ll have nothing. Nothing left anymore. Nothing to live for. Nothing to keep me going. I’ll just be so lost, lonely,and desolate.

Thursday Thoughts.

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Screenshot_198 Social Phobia.

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Screenshot_207 I do this all the time! “You know who you are!!”

Screenshot_208 Me, all except for the crystals part. 🙂

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Screenshot_210 Try looking in-between the sofa cushions….

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Screenshot_214 Public school summed up.

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Screenshot_217 We have lots of NUTS on our family tree !!  😀

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As well, today starts the 4 day Adventure in Toronto for my hubby (as it turns out, he got this whole week off for vacation!) and most of the kids. Him, the 17 YR old and the 15 YR old will meet up with the second-oldest and then they will  also meet up with the 19 YR old and the 21 YR old who take trains in. Today they’re going to the CNE (The Ex) and tomorrow the girls go to the Ed Sheeran concert. Not my kind of music but I still hope they have fun. It will also be their very first– ever concert so they will get to experience for the first time ever the wonderful incredible, amazing, mind-altering experience of a live music concert. My hubby never saw the joy and wonder of it, but I’m hoping they will,like how I do, how you just feel the music, how you absorb it and it just becomes a part of your heart and soul, of your very being.  Hopefully this will be one of those memories that lasts a lifetime. Then they also go to FanExpo. It also gives me a few quiet days at home with less people, less noise, less stress, and not having to prepare any meals.

I’m also shocked and dumbfounded as well to find out one of my Facebook friends whose husband just died just a mere 6 months ago is in a new relationship already! Shit! That sure didn’t take long! This is the same one that thought she had her first grandchildren but it turned out her son wasn’t the father. This woman is in her 60’s and an upright, good Christian woman. You think she’d know better and have more respect than that and show some class. I think it’s still way too soon. I just hope too that it’s not some kind of con man or something taking advantage of the “poor widow” in distress….There was an ambulance and fire truck in front of my neighbour L’s house across the street from us last night too and they were there 30 minutes or so too so it worries me and I hope her and her husband are all right and it wasn’t anything serious! Them and us are the only last ones of the “originals” left on our street from when we first moved here 15 YRS ago.

Is THAT How Normal People Do It?

BNormal Reading my Facebook friends’ accounts of their Mother’s Day celebrations with their families  such as getting cards, flowers, gifts etc. from their kids, phone calls, getting taken out to brunch or dinner, going sailing, being celebrated and told how they’re loved, having meals prepared for them, breakfast in bed, home-made treats, thoughtful gifts and gestures, signs of love, etc. made me say aloud to myself, Is that how normal people do it? ( to redeem himself though, yesterday the 23 year old did finally wish me a belated Happy Mother’s Day and gave me a hug; he said he got the days mixed up and thought it was yesterday) which is something I often find myself saying, thinking, or wondering,often aloud. I compare my crazy dysfunctional, f*cked up family to other people, Is THAT  what normal people do? Is THAT how normal families are? Is THAT what normal people say? Is THAT how normal people are? etc. You get the idea. It always surprises me how completely different other families and other people are from us, how different the dynamics are, how differently they function, how differently they relate to eachother, how differently they do things, how differently they live, and it always leaves me feeling lacking, a loss, a sadness, a longing, and a yearning for the love, encouragement, support, validation, praise, acceptance, inclusion, kindness, belonging, compassion, understanding, security, closeness, bond, and unity I don’t have with my own family.

As well, the 11 YR old finally beat the 15 YR old at a certain video game so it’s now officially been decreed by all the kids that he’s now a Main Character(and no longer a Dog)…yeah…..don’t ask…..I’m not even entirely sure,either; it’s just one of those things my crazy family does…he passed his Main Character Test…. and for the past 3 days I’ve been on IB Gard, which is  a natural formula for IBS, mainly concentrated peppermint  oil that soothes and eases out the kinks and spasms in the abdomen and it seems to be working: I haven’t had the abdomenal pain since and as soon as I notice it flaring up or cramps beginning I take 2 pills and it lets up, so we’ll see, but it looks hopeful….yes, yes. yes…. I have a nice, deep dark tan now as well being outside every day and feeling the warm sun on your face is the best feeling in the world.It’s a gift from God, and it’s free!

Screenshot_566 My Facebook friend in Brazil’s baby also turned 2. Here she is. She’s just so cute. She just keeps getting cuter and cuter all the time. I just had to post this. I can’t believe she’s 2 already. Can you believe she had her when she was like 45 or 46? I also decided that sometimes you just have to live in the moment and those are the best memories, and Buddy woke me up during the night last night,too, furiously pawing at my face and whimpering, and I remember I was coughing so I wonder if I was maybe having a seizure in my sleep again and stopped breathing or something(or choking on a feather from my pillow, perhaps?) and he was trying to revive me, knowing something was wrong? I just love that dog so much. God knew exactly what I needed when He sent him to me. He’s my best friend and my co-pilot in life. Everyone needs someone to walk beside them along the road in life, like Paul had Silas; I have Buddy. He walks along beside me in my journey and is my right-hand man. There’s always a spot for him next to me.

I also had this scary nightmare that the volcano in Hawaii on the news the entire thing blows, and not only that but the entire chain of volcanoes along the Ring Of Fire along the Pacific Coast erupts, and the rumbling during the eruptions then causing massive earthquakes and tsunamis and flooding, decimating the coastlines all along Asia, Australia, and North and South America,; it was catastrophic, like we’ve never seen before, like in one of those doomsday end-of-the-world movies.It was horrible, countries sinking into the ocean, and all those people, millions and millions of people…

Rebel.

trillium I knew the answer  to a question they had to a call-in contest on the radio: What is the official flower of Ontario? – the trillium.(seen here). I will never forget it and will always remember it as it is connected to one of my first acts, if not, the first act, of rebellion against authority. I remember how during a nature walk in the woods once at camp the counsellor explained to us all the various different trees and plants and pointed out trilliums saying how they’re the official provincial flower and so on and how the gov’t made a law that it’s illegal to pick them……so, of course, me, being the little rebel that I am, and always was, guess what I did? When everyone’s backs were turned and no one was looking I discreetly bent down and plucked one up, smirking with satisfaction to myself, thrilled and empowered with my bold, courageous, rebellious act of sedition! This was my first(of many) show of defiance against the gov’t telling us what to do, making Fascist and often stupid laws, curtailing our freedoms, imposing upon our lives, and so I begun my life-long journey of civil disobedience( ha ha) just like that, with the plucking of a trillium flower; my first thumbing my nose at Big Brother,showing a sign of defiance and silent protest, beginning a long tradition of sticking it to The Man. 😀

I’ve always been a rebel.

The 15 YR old also has a birthday today and I hope and pray with all my heart that she has a good day esp. since, like me, ever since she broke, life has changed for her and she is a different person than she once was it’s hard now for her to be happy and the slightest thing sets her off. Losing the closeness and the loving relationship I once had with her(not my choice) is one of my biggest losses and regrets in life as well and when I really think about it, most of my regrets in life are all based on love, and loss of love, be it unrequitted love( I love people that never loved me back) or lost friendships( and the regret that they could never be mended again, even when I tried) or broken relationships( such as with my mother once I had kids, or with my kids once they got older and I got more traumatized and damaged over the years and they started hating me) everything is always about love and love is the main, and most important thing in life, and the loss of love is the most painful and most regretful thing.

We also figured that Patti must have tightened her Facebook privacy settings so that only her friends can see what she posts now since we’re not seeing any more new posts but there’s always still a way around it; there’s always another way, and I’m so slow now that even Buddy, who’s an old dog at 12, walks faster than I do. That really makes me feel old, as does realizing that many of my school friends are now grandparents and that many of my own kids’ friends they had as teens as now all grown up and are married and have kids of their own, and now instead of reading the birth notices in the paper to see if there’s anyone I know I find myself reading the death notices!

Funny,too: the 11 YR old made up a new word: he mixed up kilometres( which we use) with miles( that his school books use as it’s American) and he said kilomiles  and as I was lazing in the sun with Buddy it brought back a happy childhood memory of a simpler time,too; of  childhood summers of me at either the cottage or visiting relatives in the country, the adults all sitting out on the veranda talking and me laying on my stomach on the porch swing on the wooden country porch, still barefoot and in my bathingsuit, with one leg and one arm dangling down, still sweaty, sunburned, wet, and sandy from a day at the creek, gently rocking back and forth as the breeze blows past and the sun sets, enjoying the sights and sounds of wildflowers, fresh cut grass and the chirping of birds and cicadas in the lazy summer heat, just blissfully drifting away, no cares in the world, a perfect day, the perfect feeling, just the joy of life, the joy of living, the joy of life,and the love of living. I really miss that. I miss that feeling, that serenity, that joy.When life was good and worth living. When I used to be happy.

Blacklisted.

B&C You’re not going to believe this: the drama with Patti has taken on a whole new new twist: now she has effectively blacklisted  Buddy; she has completely removed and erased any and all traces of him from all her social media, both past and present deleted all photos of him on her Facebook page except for one photo in which she oddly added that he is her dog’s new friend Buddy, who is part Chihuahua and part Yorkie… which is total shit since he’s purebred Dachshund! She’s also deleted all photos and mention of the puppies now too. My guess? She somehow found out even though she’s blocked me so I can’t see updates on the puppies that I still found out a way to spy on her anyway so she’s getting rid of any proof of any existance of Buddy from her dog’s life, trying to act like he’s NOT the father of her dog’s puppies, so that I can’t try and make a claim on them when all I wanted to do was see them.I can’t believe she’d just blow off Buddy like that though, just like she did with me, this from a person that used to coo at him and lovingly refer to him as her Grand-puppy (it made me hurl) and I suspected only came to visit me because she wanted to see him.

Despite that, I still have photos of them together, such as the one pictured here, as well as several others that I took myself.,and of course, there’s always DNA testing when you get right down to it. What a crazy bitch though! OMG! So we’re all over here huddled over the computer laughing our asses off at how totally weird this is all getting and at how far she’s going with it, how f*cked up it all is and how she’s driving the bus to crazytown. What a piece of work though, I swear. I really am better off without her. I should have knwn we wouldn’t have been a good match for friends right in the beginning as soon as I knew she likes to watch those lame reality shows like The Batchelor and The Kardashains. Really, though, what a kook! Who needs people like that?

As well, the 16 YR old came 2nd in her cheerleading competition over the weekend. I had this weird experience walking Buddy as well. I was just overcome with this really weird feeling that’s hard to describe but it felt like everything was just swirling around in my head and I felt like my entire body was going to explode and I was convinced everyone could tell something was wrong and that they were all staring at me and I had to keep repeating to myself in my head, Just keep walking, just keep walking, just keep walking until you get home…. and I made it.

Bowser.

Bowser This is the Bowser character( from the Mario games) costume that my hubby hand made for his cosplay events. He painstakenly worked on it every single day for months and put so much work, time,and effort into it, it was almost an obsession. It turned out really well though but what I don’t get is why he does this and goes thru all that effort for something that he’s just going to wear once or twice. I mean, wouldn’t it be alot easier and save more time and effort if he just bought or rented a costume that came already made?It looks good but I think it’s going to be awfully big, bulky, hot and cumbersome to be wearing it for 8-12 hours a day, esp. walking around in it, and in the summer! He’ll be lucky if he doesn’t pass out from heat stroke!

My stomach and abdomenal pain continues to keep getting worse and now at the level of pain I can hardly tolerate, in fact, so bad that I feel like I’m going to throw up from the pain, and I have explosive diarrhrea for the past 2 days as well and it makes me wonder if maybe I have e-coli esp. since I did eat Romaine lettuce on my sandwich a few days ago and there is an outbreak….it just makes me wonder; it might explain the severe pain and the shits…Or, perhaps maybe something’s on the verge of rupturing, a tumour hiding somewhere, or it’s a pulmonary embolism or something( and I have had this nagging cough for months now) and for the past month or so I’ve been really hungry too so I wonder if it’s a side-effect of my ulcer meds? The 23 YR old also hurt his ankle at jiu-jitsu and it’s swollen and hurts and he can’t bear pressure on it and so I wonder if it’s broken or at least sprained and I told him he should get it checked out but you know how guys are….

My mind is also so out of focus that the other day at the restaurant calling home to tell my hubby we were ready to be picked up I forgot my own phone number and had to ask my mother what it was; there I was, standing there holding the phone in my hand and I went blank and had no idea what number to call…. I just felt so stupid…doing my blog I also make so many mistakes,too, from spelling wrong or leaving entire words out and I always have to correct it; I’m just losing it…all day today Buddy’s also extra anxious and worried too and keeps whimpering and scratching at and licking me all day, and to “spy” on Patti I made up a “ghost” Facebook account(she blocked me, remember?) she’ll never know is from me. I first made up a fake gmail account and then proceeded to make the fake Facebook account so I can access her page. I have to find out updates on Buddy’s puppies somehow yet even after all that she still hasn’t posted since they were born….hhhmmmm… I hope they’re ok…

Niagara Falls.

NiagaraFalls I was going to post about my hubby and the kids’ weekend in Niagara Falls yesterday except I was the only one awake at the time I did my blog so I didn’t know anything yet or have anything to write so I waited until now. It went ok but they didn’t do well in their jiu-jitsu and cheerleading competitions. The 23 YR old hurt himself in his competition but he still did his own personal goal of competing against and even “besting” guys in higher ranks but the second-oldest got sick and had to withdraw and wasn’t even able to compete and as for the 16 YR old’s cheerleading, her team came in, well, I hate to say it, but….last. There were about 7 teams competing. Oh, well. Then in the end the 23 YR old( who was staying with the second-oldest at her place in Toronto for their competition) got sick too so now he’s brought it back home so the rest of us will eventually get it,too.

They said that Niagara Falls is such a dump, so seedy, run-down, such a ghetto, and my hubby said it’s the most ghetto place he’s even been,and that’s really saying something as he really doesn’t have high standards and thinks nothing  of staying at a fleabag roach motel, you know, the kind where they still have chalk outlines on the floor and where they have to change the sheets every hour…but I told him that Detroit is still the biggest and worst ghetto place ever. It doesn’t get much worse than that. I’ve been to Niagara Falls 3 times; once as a kid with my mother when we took the coach bus up to Marineland, then twice around age 14; once on a school trip and another time with a friend’s family.

As well, I still have that blinding headache; it’s been about a week now, a week straight, and with my luck it’s probably a sinus infection that’s spread to my brain, or toxic shock syndrome from my tampons or something as I’m always that unlucky one-out-of-a- million that gets these rare disorders and complications…..the story of my life…my hubby is also disappointed that I didn’t die like I thought I would and he accuses me of “crying wolf” and says it’s like Buddy when he does his “fake cough” trying to gain sympathy and attention, but it’s not; I really, truly,and actually felt like I was dying, right on the “edge”, but maybe it was just some sort of cruel “joke” God was playing with me, just jerking me around, stringing me along so far, bringing me close and then yanking it away, sort of like dangling meat in front of a dog and then just when he thinks he’s going to get it you pull it away. That’s what it feels like anyway. I got so close and then it was gone.

The 16 YR old also found out spying on Patti’s Facebook ( she blocked me, remember?) that she….get this…. bought a dog stroller for her dog and the puppies, expected within the next 1-2 weeks….oh, my God, she’s even crazier than I am! The Jehovah’s Witnesses also came by yesterday too only it wasn’t the usual old guy that always comes by and has for years, who I’ve developed a friendship with and always look forward to seeing and talking to; it was another guy and now I’m worried that maybe he died or something; I mean; he must be in his 80’s or 90’s…..that’s just so sad to think about. I hope not though, but at least if he did I take comfort in knowing where he is.