He Sent Him.

Screenshot_615

When I prayed for someone to love me God sent me Buddy, and when He sent him:

He sent someone to love me unconditionally.

He sent me a best friend.

He sent me a great listener.

He sent me the perfect companion.

He sent someone who will never “out-grow” cuddling.

He sent me a reason to get up every morning.

He brought light, joy,and love into my life.

He sent someone to love me when no one else would.

He sent me a friend that is loyal and will never hurt or betray me.

He gave me someone to dote on.

He gave me someone that needed me.

He gave me someone who loves me just as I am and doesn’t care what I look like, how much I weigh,how smart I am,how much money I have, what I’ve achieved, or that I’m crazy.

He sent me an example of pure selfless love.

He ended my loneliness and longing for love and friendship.

He gave life meaning again.

He gives me a reason to keep going each day.

He sent me my soulmate, only in animal form.

He sent someone who “gets” me.

He sent me a friend that will never wake up one day and suddenly decide he doesn’t like me anymore.

He sent someone to keep me company and someone to talk to.

He sent a friend to comfort me.

He sent someone that would return my love and not reject it.

He sent someone to make me smile and laugh.

He sent someone who misses me when I leave and is happy to see me when I return.

He sent me someone who loves me more than they love themselves.

He sent someone to love.

He sent LOVE.

Thank you, God.

Never Doubt Your Faith.

Screenshot_414 Just recently I had what you would describe as a crisis of faith of sorts. It wasn’t that I ever doubted God though or my faith in Him, but rather  doubts within myself and my own reasoning the physical(evidence) was contradicting with the spiritual and I was torn and didn’t know what to believe and then a small, still voice impressed upon my heart: Never doubt your faith. Never doubt, most importantly, your faith in God, but also never doubt your faith in yourself and your abilities, capabilities, strength, resilience, endurance, and worth, and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Screenshot_413 I had been praying for a sign of roses from St. Therese that the lump under Buddy’s eye wasn’t cancer and he wasn’t dying anytime soon and I did keep seeing, everywhere, online, on TV, in ads, outside, in various colours, an obvious sign from St. Therese, even praying hands holding a rose, now that’s pretty obvious, and as about as clear as an answer and reassurance could be….

and yet…..

I was still afraid he had cancer and was dying because despite the answer to my prayer and despite my strong faith, the physical signs worried me greatly and caused me doubt, What if this  time it’s wrong?  What if it really wasn’t St. Therese who sent me the roses as a sign but someone else did, to deceive me? etc. and all kinds of doubts and fears plagued me and I wasn’t sure what to think and what to believe anymore and then I felt so guilty, so weak, that my faith  had been put to the test like that and I was struggling so much,losing, and that my doubts were seemingly stronger than my faith…I needed something concrete  I could hold on to for hope.

Buddy6

As it turned out my prayers were answered and the signs were legit: Buddy’s lump is much smaller and shrinking down now(and he’s feeling better today too and back to eating again) and if it was a tumour it wouldn’t just heal like that on it’s own, not without Divine healing, unless, of course, when I blessed him the other day,laid my hands on him and prayed a healing prayer over him God healed him? Either way, I’m just thankful and I just have to remember to never doubt my faith.

The Repairman.

Repairman This post was supposed to be about the dishwasher repairman except there’s really not much to tell. He was supposed to come early in the morning and he didn’t end up coming until after 4 pm and of course with our luck when he started running the damn thing it worked perfectly fine, no smoke, no burned smell, nothing, and he said there’s nothing wrong with it and nothing he can do for us, so we basically spent 85$ on a service call for nothing…..and then, get this…….after he’d left we ran it thru a cycle and I started to smell a burnt, smoky smell, and my hubby and the 11 YR old did too so I wasn’t imagining it. Seriously? WTF,man? This is really freaking me out; I’m scared it’s another electrical issues and will eventually catch fire and we’ll end up having another fire, just like we did at the old house 22 years ago! Maybe we need an electrician to come check things out and not a repairman? Maybe it’s an electrical issue that just happens to affect the dishwasher and the actual dishwasher itself has no issues? I remember before if we ran any other appliance with  it at the same time that it would always blow a fuse…

I don’t trust it and never want to use it again as there’s no use taking a chance and asking for trouble. Of course now it’s really playing on my anxious mind,too, which is now stressing over-time worrying what if it slowly smoulders there, behind the wall or something, and catches fire during the night, when we’re all asleep? My guess it perhaps it got wet back there or something, leaking from the sink, or the dishwasher itself even, and short circuits? The question that troubles me is also What is God trying to tell us with this? To prevent another fire? That we have an electrical problem in the house and should move? Allowing a small fire to ensure that we stay and don’t move, to keep us here as we renovate?Or just to get rid of the dishwasher? Or is it even evil outside forces, perhaps, trying to harm us?

Since I don’t have much for a blog post today, I’ll leave you with more inspirational thoughts, esp. as I seem to have so many of them lately:

Screenshot_890

Screenshot_889

Screenshot_888

Screenshot_887

Screenshot_886

Screenshot_885

Screenshot_884

Screenshot_883

Screenshot_882

Screenshot_881

Screenshot_880

Screenshot_879

Screenshot_878

Screenshot_877 I don’t think he even exists…..

Screenshot_876

Screenshot_875

Screenshot_874

 

Dear God…

Screen Shot 06-29-17 at 11.52 AM Dear God, please help me heal from my brokenness that all the trauma, pain, hurt, and abuse in my life has caused me, and esp. for the way my family treats me that makes me feel so inadequate, stupid, inept, unwanted, rejected, unloved, devalued,insignificant, inferior,small, worthless, and useless. It really hurts my heart and crushes my spirit. Please help me to be strong.

Dear God, please help the 14 YR old to recover and heal, but also at the same time to realize that no matter what may have happened to her and no matter what she’s dealing with that it still doesn’t give her the right to be mean and to treat me the way she does, esp. when I’m the one that loves her the most and I’m just trying to help her.

Dear God, I pray that I find happiness and love in life, that it’s never too late.

Dear God, I pray for health, happiness,and safety for my family, and that my kids never settle in life like I did and that they marry for love and have a happier marriage and family life than I did.

Dear God, I ask that my sins be forgiven and that I am worthy of Heaven. I pray that you can be forgiving and that my family will be more patient, understanding,tolerant,and sympathetic with me and my medical issues and limitations and realize that I’m not this horrible person that they seem to think I am and hate; that I’m just broken, just flawed, just human, but I am trying,and that I have good intentions and I mean well, things just don’t work out so well for me.

Dear God, I pray for peace,and for an end to war, terrorism, discrimination, hate, poverty, oppression,and injustice.

Dear God, I pray for healing for those who are sick, those who are suffering from mental illness, addictions, who are dying, for the souls of those who have died, for those who are grieving, for those who have lost children, for those who are lonely, hurting, or struggling in any way. For all those on my prayer list.

Dear God, I pray that my kids come back to you and return to their faith.

Dear God, I pray for the Church, the Pope, for vocations, for recent converts, for lost souls to return to you, for all people of faith, and for people who are searching or lost to find You.

Dear God, I thank you for my blessings,and for always protecting and providing for me, for keeping my family and I safe and warning and guiding us and providing for our needs.

****************************************************************************

I also saw this commercial on TV which was a tourism ad for Chicago and it said, Home isn’t always where you’re from, it’s where you fit in. and that’s just sooooo me. In the Caribbean. I’ve never felt at home here. I’ve always felt like the Caribbean is my home and where I belong.

 

When I Die.

Screen Shot 05-15-17 at 03.31 PM The first thing I woke up to was hearing on the radio that one of the DJ’s 15 YR old son died in a tragic accident at a park, and then my toothbrush fell in the toilet.That’s how I started my day. I was also surprised to see that Bev’s (G.P) house had a sold sign on it…..already….she just died a little while ago and there was never any For Sale sign on it before…..wow…that was fast….and it got me thinking when I die, what I want, my last wishes, I want my family to carry out for me, and so here they are:

  • I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered on the beach in the Caribbean where I was happy, and besides, no one will even bother to come visit my grave,anyway.
  • Catholic funeral Mass.
  • Sunflowers and lilacs at my funeral.
  • Funeral songs: Ave Maria, Hallelujah,Amazing Grace, and Ride, Natty, Ride
  • Take good care of Buddy.
  • Continue homeschooling and going to church.
  • Make sure the 10 YR old gets Confirmed when the time is right.
  • Donate $$$$ to the Turgwe Hippo Trust

I also over-heard my hubby telling the 14 and 15 YR olds (I was wearing headphones listening to music in the car and he didn’t think I could hear him,and usually I can’t as the music is loud, but when the song is soft I can hear) that I’m probably slowly poisoning myself and setting everything up so that when they do the autopsy they’ll blame him and he’ll get charged with my murder!WTF? I’m not, and this only reinforces my suspicion that he really is trying to poison me and get away with it; that’s going to be his defense and his alibi!  I just hope the bastard doesn’t get away with it……I can’t believe it! Holy shit!!

Screen Shot 05-16-17 at 01.15 PM Here’s also my newest hippo: a hippo on wheels,and here he is on the road! I named him Wheely, Hot Wheels,. and Mr. Wheeler(I actually had a teacher in grade 5 named Mr. Wheeler) He’s just so cute I couldn’t resist. My mother also insisted that I said bedroom when I meant to say, thought I said, and was sure I said backyard, and I’ve been confused , foggy,and out of it for a week now, and I wonder as well if maybe my potassium might be low again from my diuretic like it was before, or some other medical cause, or it could just be due to the tremendous stress I’m under, and so much so my family mentioned about Patti visiting last week and I don’t even remember it at all, and I thought they were playing their usual mind-games with me and trying to trick me but I asked her and she confirmed it; she was over for a visit, but it was a Weed Day and also the day after I tried to kill myself so the opiates would have still been in my system and I must have been really out of it…..I can just vaguely recall what I thought was a dream that Patti was over and said something about a bus…..but that’s it…..I didn’t know it was real; it’s like waking in and out of anesthesia…God, I’m losing it….

The kids and my hubby also laugh at my faith and mock my relationship with God and the 14 and 15 YR olds make fun of me liking hippos and sunflowers too and jeer I’m “obsessed” with them and “have a ‘crush'” on them, etc. and always make fun of me just because I like something; apparantly I’m not even allowed to have any interests, or at least not without being made fun of yet whenever I say anything about the way they treat me or voice any displeasure, disapproval or mention it in any way the 15 YR old always accuses me of “causing drama”, so I can’t stand up for myself , defend myself, or explain myself, either. My family sucks.I’m so tired of all their shit.

First Session.

Screen Shot 03-22-17 at 08.00 AM 001 The 13 YR old had her first session at the eating disorders clinic. The last time was just an assessment. My hubby and I go too as therapy is a family involvement thing with both her and the parents. The app’t was long, 2 1/2 HRS and it’s going to be like that all the time, every week! We go weekly for roughly 10 weeks,and then tapered off to every 2 weeks, and then monthly,and it could be for a YR, 18 months, or even longer, and may be delayed if she has to be hospitalized, tube-fed, or whatever. There are 5 specialists on the team that will be working with us, incl. a nurse-practitioner, nutritionist, social worker, behaviour therapist,and someone else I forgot.

They each talked to us and she got a physical exam and got her vitals checked and will at each session, and they noticed she has more cuts of self-injury,too, and now also on her legs and belly now,too as well as on her arms, so it’s escalating. They explained the seriousness of it saying that of all the mental illnesses, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate and we have to work with her and monitor and supervise her, not only to make sure that she eats but that she isn’t throwing it up and isn’t self-harming. We also have to hide all the razors, laxatives and all other medications,and she’s to keep a strict and regimented meal schedule and document a food diary each day of her intake. They noticed her lack of hygeine as well, body odour, unwashed greasy hair,grungy teeth, which I have struggled forever to try to get her to have a shower, wash her hair, etc. but she’s apathetic and just doesn’t care, they said now I have to do it for it since she’s not able to take care of herself anymore; I have to take over bathing her, washing her hair, brushing her teeth….it’s like she’s a baby all over again!

They also said it’s only a 50% cure-rate and when they asked her what she wants her ideal weight to be she said 60-70 pounds! I just lost it and cried, and gasped, You’d be dead! and they agreed with me and it just broke my heart. Even the almost-10 YR old weighs more than that and she’s like 5 1/2 feet tall and should weigh over 100 pounds! I just thought all along with her being so sullen, moody,pushing me away, and withdrawn that it was just the usual teen angst; I never knew she was struggling like this and starving and hurting herself. At least they’d know by looking at me with my big fat hippo ass that she didn’t get her eating disorder from me; it’s very obvious that I don’t starve myself, and my hubby made a deal with her once she eats properly, gains weight, gets to the proper weight and health and stops hurting herself he’ll get her the rose-gold Mac Book computer she wants as a “reward”, and it’ll also act as a motivation to get well and a goal to strive for.

As well, in the morning as I was trying to clean my toothbrush there was no water pressure and then no water at all and I wonder if the cold ( wind-chill of -20C) froze our pipes or they burst or something but then later heard on the radio a water main pipe in town had broken and that was why and it affected the entire town, not just us, which was a relief as we can’t afford the expense of a plumber, but now the water’s back but they say the water’s all contaminated and it won’t be fixed for 2 more days, but we don’t drink disgusting tap water anyway; you might as well drink out of the toilet; it all comes from the same place: the sewer!

The 17 YR old got rejected from yet another school ( the third so far) she applied to as well, their excuse was because her homeschool curriculum is American, which is a load of shit because they do accept international students, incl. American ones, who don’t have the same educational system or credits as here,and it seems now there’s starting to be a discrimination and crackdown on homeschoolers as the older kids never had any problems getting admitted into universities….now I’m starting to get worried; what if no one accepts her? I know when one door closes, another opens….but what if she’s like me in my life and no door opens and every door is always closed?

My hubby also made a snide remark when I mentioned about how I’m looking forward to  Heaven,” Like you’re going to get to Heaven!”  and it crushed me. My faith and relationship with God is the most important thing in my life and to have it questioned, attacked, and doubted like that was very hurtful. So, what, does he think that because I use weed I won’t get to Heaven? God happened to make the cannabis plant, so it must be for our use, I think for medicine, so it wouldn’t be a sin to use something He created. It’s just a plant,and besides, there are alot worse things that I could do,and I still have a strong faith and I love God and I care about and pray for people…..in any case, that’s between me and God and it’s up to God to judge,and what can he say,anyway? He doesn’t even go to church,and he mocks religion and scoffs at God…who is he to judge?

The Bath Bomb.

screen-shot-02-09-17-at-10-41-am Look what I found……and ordered!????  Charmed Aroma , where I got my candle that had the pretty ring in it from, now also has bath bombs! They have rings in them as well, and only 17.99$, cheaper than the candles. I got the peach/mango one and I can’t wait until it comes, and after tax and shipping it ends up being 30$ and I know you must be thinking, ” 30$? that’s an expensive bath bomb, especially for something you just use once !” but it’s actually really the ring that you’re paying for. Luckily  with $$$$ I had saved in a coin jar I have enough $$$ for it. I’m sure the ring will be very pretty and the bath will be luxurious.

We already placed one of our vending machines as well, at a comic book store, but it probably also helps that we know the owner ( and he goes to our Church, and was a referral for my passport) so now we have to find new homes for the 14 others, and did you know that “vending” comes from the French word vendre which means “to sell”? Speaking of sell, the 22 YR old said that his GF in California goes to this posh grocery store that’s soooo high-class that they even have their own personal shoppers that follow along beside you and put stuff in and out of your buggy and on and off of the shelves for you and then load it to be scanned at check-out and pack it and carry it out to your car…..holy shit!….when I lived in California we never had that; our grocery stores there had armed security guards and made you check your bags when you entered the store! It reminded me of prison!

My hubby was also scolding the 9 YR old for throwing the TV remote and breaking it in a fit of rage when it didn’t work and I was trying to explain to him how it happens to everyone and when I said, ” Haven’t you ever gotten really frustrated at something  that you just get so mad you throw something and go, “you stupid thing!” and then he smirks and looks at me and snickered, “When have I ever tried to throw you?“, implying that I’m the stupid thing, so in retort I told him, ” You can’t, you’re too effeminite to, you’re not macho enough to be able to!” and then he gave his usual reply, “I’m  already past that! On to a new topic  now!” to try to deflect it away from him once the tables are turned, so to speak.

I also heard this heart-warming story of a woman who didn’t get married until she was 60 years old and they stayed together  22 YRS until she died at age 82, proving that it’s  never too late to find love. Never too late to start over. Never too late to  be happy. It gives me hope for my life. God knows me and He sees me. He hears me and He feels my prayers and my love. He has a plan for me and my life. He wants me to be happy and to be loved. He made us to be loved. He desires what’s best for us but I have become so damaged I no longer see my self-worth,and and I don’t see what anyone would ever see in me, and only disgusting   creeps would ever be interested in me, but I know that, deep in my heart, no matter what, God loves me and He wants me to be happy. He made me to have joy..

 

Hare Krishna.

screen-shot-12-21-16-at-08-42-am

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna,

Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare,

Hare Rama, Hare Rama,

Rama Rama,

Hare Hare

I love this Hare Krishna mantra and I often say it over and over when I want to relax and meditate, when I need peace and serenity, when I am trying to clear my head, find my Happy Place, and leave my body.I find the repetition of it very soothing and calming, and since “Krishna” is just another name and form of God I see nothing wrong or contradictory with it. I think that there are many different paths to God, not just one, and I also think that it’s very arrogant for anyone one religion or faith to claim that they alone are the one and only way to God, to the exclusion of all others, although most of them do seem to be guilty of that.God shouldn’t be restricted in such a way; He’s available to everyone that loves Him.

I don’t think God can be limited to just one faith, one religion, one denomination, one belief system. I believe that there are many different ways to worship Him, depending on where in the world one lives and which culture they were exposed to and brought up in. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, for example all believe in God, they just have different ways of worshipping Him and some have different forms in expressing Him, but who’s to say which one is “right” and which ones are “wrong?” I think that God accepts worship from anyone that truly loves and obeys Him the best to their ability, and that there are many roads to Heaven.One person may find a particular religion is best “suited” to them and their lifestyle and someone else prefers another, yet both are acceptable to God, who is far more accepting, loving, forgiving, and less restrictive and limiting than people are.

screen-shot-12-21-16-at-10-39-am I also saw this when the 9 YR old was playing Super Mario Galaxy and this is what I would like my house to look like in Heaven; it just looks so Heavenly, the shape, with the green on it, the flowers,  the door, and it has a circular window on the other side, and I love the stairs and the flowers leading up to the walkway, it just makes me think of what I’d imagine Heaven might be like and how I’d like my house there to be like.Are you listening, God? hint, hint…..

I had a dream as well that in time I still will find my True Love , that it’s never too late,and that he’s someone I already know, from my past, that I will meet up with again,and I think  the reason I started getting migraines when I was 13 was probably damage to my brain from doing all that math in school; it burned a hole in my brain, and I saw on the news pagans were celebrating the winter solstice,too, and I wondered, why would anyone celebrate winter? I can see celebrating the end of winter, but who would celebrate winter itself? I mean, really! I’d celebrate summer!!

Resurrection Day!

Easter At Easter this good news rings out unchanged and ever new in every corner of the earth; Jesus who died on the Cross is risen; He lives in glory because He has defeated the power of death; He has brought the human being to a new communion of life with God and in God. This is the victory of Easter, our salvation! – Pope Benedict XVI

AllLives