Re-group.

Screenshot_606 I have to re-group. The other day I was hit with a very serious accusation of something I supposedly did decades ago in the past, but it was something so awful, so horrible, so terrible, so unthinkable, so unforgivable(and no, it’s nothing sexual, so get your mind out of the gutter) I doubt that it even really actually occurred, because if it did I don’t even remember it, and certainly if I did something so awful I would at least remember doing it, wouldn’t I, unless, of course, it never really happened, and the other possibility, is that with my bipolar and my mental state at the time and due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was just so traumatizing, and so hard to bear, so difficult to live with, that I just completely blocked it out? It was something so bad that if I did actually do it the guilt would be so bad that I just couldn’t live with it or live with myself. Maybe God also even “erased” the episode and the time period from my memory as a means of self-protection; as survival, knowing that if I knew, if I remembered, if I was aware, that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it? How does one live with themself knowing they’re a monster, for example,such as a serial killer?

I seriously question the whole thing though because that’s really not how I remember it and when I asked a witness who was there at the time(and still remembers) their thoughts on it they denied it ever happened,either, were stunned speechless, and said the accuser themselves must have issues and that they must have been making the whole thing up. I just wouldn’t do something like that though; it’s not who I am,  and it sounds so incredulous and I have zero memories of it; it just doesn’t seem possible, so I have to re-group and get my head together to try and comprehend such shocking revelations, esp. as it sounds so far-fetched it makes me wonder if maybe a tall-tale is maybe just being told to mind-f*ck with me, to try and take advantage of my brain decline, forgetfulness, mental illness, bipolar and hallucinations and self-doubt that goes along with it to try and convince me and make me feel guilty about and hate myself for something awful that I never really actually even did; that never even really happened, perhaps to drive me even more insane, to see how I’ll react;  to see what I’d say and do to the accusations, or maybe to even drive me to suicide over the guilt? I don’t know.

That’s the hard part. What’s real, and how can I tell?

All I know is I’ve been thinking over and over, wracking my brain, going back to the past, trying to re-live events and time periods in my head trying to see if it might have ever been possible but I’m just not seeing it or feeling it; it’s just not something I’d do, goes against everything I am, and when I think about it occurring it makes me feel heartsick and sad even just at the possibility. That’s the worst thing about being unsure of yourself, having self-doubt and not being able to rely on and trust your own mind, your memories, and being able to tell  the difference between what’s real and what really happened VS what was just a thought, a dream, a hallucination, or just all in my mind, but for whatever I may have done, or have failed to do, or should have done(but didn’t do), or for what someone even thinks I may have done, or hurt anyone or wronged anyone in any way whether intentional or not, whether I even realized it or not, I apologize,and I am truly sorry.

I just wish  knew the truth though; what really happened. Am  I capable of such a heinous thing, and is it possible I did do it without knowing, without remembering…..or is someone just trying to trick me (with my bad memory and declining mind and forgetfulness) into thinking I did? Is it just some sort of sick, cruel, twisted mind-game,perhaps, or maybe the accuser has a false memory or perhaps confused me with someone else or has a faulty memory themselves or they thought an incident occured that really didn’t? Perhaps they too have a hard time distinguishing fact from dreams, fears, false memories, etc,too,like I do? The whole thing has greatly upset me though and now my stomach ulcer’s acting-up big time from the stress and my stomach pain’s back really bad once again. This is troubling me greatly and if I really am such a horrible, terrible, awful person how do I live with myself? How do I look myself in the mirror each day knowing I did something so awful?

No wonder I don’t deserve to be happy or be loved. Maybe that’s why deep-down I hate myself so much too; because I know I’m such a terrible, awful person? If it turns out to be true, I don’t even deserve to live.

The possibility was also suggested that maybe that’s why I always have such bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness, etc. in life is maybe it’s karma; that I’m being “paid back” or punished, except that my bad luck has plagued me for my entire life, as long as I can remember, even back when I was a kid, even way before this was said to have occured. In any case, I pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth to me so at least I’ll know either way and so if there really is any truth to it I can deal with it, make amends( although I don’t know what could ever “make up” for it) be forgiven( although I could never forgive myself) and heal and try to move forward….yet my own history with trauma has taught me that some traumas break you so hard that you can’t ever be fixed or get “over” it.

Patti also surprised me by sending me a message on Pinterest with her usual story that her phone was broken( yeah, right…..for  6 months?) and she couldn’t “find” me on Facebook and then she “forgot” how to spell my name…..all kinds of lame excuses so I wrote a reply enough of the excuses; I know she de-friended me on Facebook and blocked me; that she just used me to get puppies and then once she got what she wanted from me she just threw me away and I told her I thought she was my friend and that I’m done now; I don’t need people like that in my life. I bet the only reason she’s even trying to all of a sudden contact me again is it’s been 6 months and her dog’s probably in heat again and she wants more puppies again and wants my dog to mate with hers again but I’m NOT falling for that again! Even I’m not that stupid! I’ve been used and betrayed enough in my life. Never again.

Rib Fest!

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Feed your fat face!!!  We got ribs from a local Ribfest this weekend. They had 4 vendor food trucks selling them and they were nice, big, fat juicy bones and were soooo good! I feel badly for the Muslims and Jews that will never know the pure deliciousness and  gastronomic pleasure that is pork ribs.They really don’t know what they’re missing. They’re really messy but they’re oh-so-good! The 23 YR old told me not to give Buddy any as if it was poison or something, and so I just cut out for him a piece of the meat but with no sauce and didn’t let him gnaw on the bones in case they splinter and he chokes, and then it got me thinking…..holy shit… I wonder if that’s maybe even what my hubby’s doing not only to me but maybe also to my mother too, poisoning us both since neither of us wants to sell the house(we own it) and he’s so intent on moving so if he gets us out of the way he gets the house and he’s free to sell it if he wants and move plus my life insurance $$$ to cover moving costs, etc.. Maybe that’s also why her pain has suddenly returned,too: he’s poisoning her,too? He did say a few times he was going to kill me off for my life insurance $$$$ and that he was poisoning my drinks….and with him you never know and you can never tell if he’s joking or serious, so you never really know, and I wouldn’t put it past him; I’ve seen a very scary, dark, vengeful, cruel, vindictive, violent, and heartless side of him,too, and I had a dream once someone warned me, Be careful; he’s even more violent than you know….

I also wonder as well if Patti really did come by yesterday afterall or did I just imagine it? Did it really happen or was it just a hallucination? I have an increasing hard time lately being able to distinguish between if something is real or if I just imagined(or dreamt) it  not only at the time it’s occurring but even days after. I’m thinking, Is that real? Did that really happen? Did I really see what I think I saw? Is this real or did I just imagine it? and then I try to remember tiny details of what I saw, such as what the people were wearing, what colour the car was, where I was at the time,for instance, to see how clear a picture I can get, how well I remember it, to try and assess whether or not it was more likely it was real and actually happened or if it was just a hallucination. Running and hiding when Patti came by also reminds me of when I was kid trying to dodge bullies walking alone to school and back, trying to go another way to try and avoid them,and the fear I felt passing by their houses hoping I wouldn’t run into them and they wouldn’t beat me up.

The only way I know for sure something really happened or is real is if someone else also saw or heard it too but if it was just me I can never quite be sure because I don’t trust my own mind,and I was thinking about Patti if she really did come by why didn’t she come furiously banging on my door, angry I took off, and demanding an explanation? Plus, her yelling out my name was alarmingly loud and sounded like it was coming from right behind me, right into my ear,practically an echo,almost enhanced, when she was actually halfway down the street, so it makes me wonder. It’s really hard losing your grip on reality and not being able to sort out what’s real and what isn’t,and it’s scary,too. As for Patti and my fear she may retaliate(for me ignoring her now she used me and dumped me), I also know something that she’s doing regarding her Oxy prescription too so if she ever threatens or endangers my family or I then I have “ammunition” I can use against her,too, and in just one call to the RCMP I will bring that bitch down! No one f*cks with me and my family!!!!! Normally I don’t bother people or get all up in their business  but if they harm my family there’s NOTHING I won’t do.

 

Blacklisted.

B&C You’re not going to believe this: the drama with Patti has taken on a whole new new twist: now she has effectively blacklisted  Buddy; she has completely removed and erased any and all traces of him from all her social media, both past and present deleted all photos of him on her Facebook page except for one photo in which she oddly added that he is her dog’s new friend Buddy, who is part Chihuahua and part Yorkie… which is total shit since he’s purebred Dachshund! She’s also deleted all photos and mention of the puppies now too. My guess? She somehow found out even though she’s blocked me so I can’t see updates on the puppies that I still found out a way to spy on her anyway so she’s getting rid of any proof of any existance of Buddy from her dog’s life, trying to act like he’s NOT the father of her dog’s puppies, so that I can’t try and make a claim on them when all I wanted to do was see them.I can’t believe she’d just blow off Buddy like that though, just like she did with me, this from a person that used to coo at him and lovingly refer to him as her Grand-puppy (it made me hurl) and I suspected only came to visit me because she wanted to see him.

Despite that, I still have photos of them together, such as the one pictured here, as well as several others that I took myself.,and of course, there’s always DNA testing when you get right down to it. What a crazy bitch though! OMG! So we’re all over here huddled over the computer laughing our asses off at how totally weird this is all getting and at how far she’s going with it, how f*cked up it all is and how she’s driving the bus to crazytown. What a piece of work though, I swear. I really am better off without her. I should have knwn we wouldn’t have been a good match for friends right in the beginning as soon as I knew she likes to watch those lame reality shows like The Batchelor and The Kardashains. Really, though, what a kook! Who needs people like that?

As well, the 16 YR old came 2nd in her cheerleading competition over the weekend. I had this weird experience walking Buddy as well. I was just overcome with this really weird feeling that’s hard to describe but it felt like everything was just swirling around in my head and I felt like my entire body was going to explode and I was convinced everyone could tell something was wrong and that they were all staring at me and I had to keep repeating to myself in my head, Just keep walking, just keep walking, just keep walking until you get home…. and I made it.

Judas.

Judas I still can’t believe that Patti, or shall I say Judas, turned on me, blocked me from her life, used me, and betrayed me like she did. It esp. hurt as I thought she was my friend, and even more so since I don’t make friends easily, I don’t “warm” to people easily, I don’t trust people, don’t get too close to people, and don’t have many friends, so when I do, it means alot to me and it’s something special that I value and when you lose something that you value, something that’s been cultivated, worked on, given loving care and that you cherish and that is rare, it hurts even more when you lose it so I think that’s why it hurts so much why she did what she did, and even more so so abruptly,and without warning or explanation. A false friend is worse than an enemy because at least with an enemy you know what to expect.

The more I actually think about it though I figure, if she’s going to be like that( a user, not a loyal friend, quick to “turn” on and drop a friend, treating friends like that,etc.) then I’m better off without her and don’t need “friends” like that. When I think about it, I’ve always given her birthday and Christmas gifts as well and she’s never given me one, not even once. I guess that might have been a red flag there, a warning sign, that she maybe really wasn’t a true friend, afterall, that she was in it for something else, using me for something, or at the very least that I valued the friendship more than she did and it didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me.

Then there was the fact that she always complained about everything and everyone and was notorious for always reporting her neighbours to the authorities about every little thing and was really super-nosey( I prefer to leave people alone and mind my own business) and she’d always gossip and tell me not-so-nice things about her other friends which I thought was mean,talking behind their backs like that,not something a real friend would do, and made me wonder if she’s saying things like that about them to me, what is she telling them about me, and then when I found out she’s a racist, too…. I don’t need someone like that,and maybe she was just using me for Buddy to impregnant her dog and then cut me off once she got what she wanted and no longer had “use” for me anymore, who knows? My ex-friend J was the exact same way.

HA, it would serve her right if all of the puppies ended up to be male though as she wants to keep a female. The 16 year old even went as far as to say she hopes Patti’s dog and all the puppies die and she ends up with nothing, but I think that’s too mean and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody but it would serve her right if none of them were females and she never ended up with one in the end anyway. I’m better off without her, I know, but losing someone I confided in, trusted, and thought was a good friend still hurts just the same.

KFC I also got the KFC Double-Down with the hot zinger sauce and maple waffle .Isn’t it just glorious? I just took out the waffle as maple is gross but I ate the chicken. A heart-attack waiting to happen, ha,ha, but I figure if it’s the last thing I ate before I died at least I’d die with a full stomach and a smile on my face. I’d die happy. People in USA were also complaining how it’s not fair that we get this up here in Canada and they don’t in USA but it’s almost always the other way; they’re usually the ones that get all these things and we never do, so now they know how we feel like all the time!It sucks here, we lag behind the rest of the world in so many  things!

I still have that splitting headache and it’s unlike any I’ve had before,too,and it’s weird: it’s only on one side of my head and I can feel it in the spines of my sore stiff neck and going up the back of my head and even my ears are throbbing and feel like they’re under pressure, sort of like when you quickly come up from under the water and your ears are all water-logged, my heart beat pulses with each throbbing pain of my head, plus it feels like an ice-pick is jabbing behind my right eye and the pain is so bad that nothing gets rid of it,not ibuprofen 600 mg, Tramadol, Tylenol # 3, Tylenol Sinus, not even weed, and that even relieves the pain of my migraines, but even that doesn’t get rid of this one and it’s been 3-4 days now I’ve had it now. I think I have a fever too so my guess is likely a sinus infection…