Bob Marley Calendar.

screen-shot-11-01-16-at-11-20-am Even though I’ll have my hippo calendar(Christmas gift) for my bedroom wall I still wanted a Bob Marley calendar for the wall next to my computer at my computer desk in the rec-room. I have this little corner there with my computer, I liken it to my little “office space” and desk and I have a wall on the left side I can hang it so when my hubby was out I had him look for one for me and he said he did but that no one had any, not even the calendar kiosk in the mall which I found hard to believe, and he said to just order it online……so I checked it out…..except then with shipping the 17$ calendar quickly became a 27$ calendar…

HELL NO!!

So I decided to go to the mall( in a small town nearby) in the next couple of days and look myself  and see if I had any better luck, esp. since women are “keener” shoppers than men, plus, the kiosk may have had more deliveries since. Then my hubby decides right then and there “Hurry, up, let’s go!” “We’re going NOW!”(and said may NOT have time later) so I went,in a rush, problem was that it was 3 HRS after I’d ingested my cannabis oil and it was  starting to hit me hardboom! I suddenly found myself dazed, disoriented, confused, and lost in a mall that was small and that I knew well, but now I felt like a frightened toddler, who’d wandered off and gotten lost. I for the life of me couldn’t find stores I was looking for and had trouble finding stores I knew well, and kept going ’round and ’round back to the same places, and a few times I honestly thought I was going to pass out as well so I had to quickly sit down on a bench.I kept getting lost and on the verge of passing out.

Long story short,did end up finding the Bob Marley calendar myself, and it was at the calendar kiosk, afterall, and with tax it was just over 20$….sure alot better than 37$! I have to say that being high and alone disoriented at the mall was a scary experience though(it’s probably what having dementia must be like!),and in the van on the way there and back my hubby knewwas(Originally I wasn’t  supposed to go to the mall until 2 more days) as I was hallucinating, laughing at my own jokes, having trouble putting my shoes on, incl. putting one on the wrong foot, forgetful, and he referred to me as being “wasted” and made a snide remark about, “Can you afford to ‘fry’ any more brain cells?” so he obviously knew that I was , and I don’t think that he’d ever seen me high before(I always try to “time” it for when he’s not around but this time he popped a sudden surprise on me and changed it and my schedule). I think this was the first time he’s ever seen me high.

Fractured.

screen-shot-09-10-16-at-06-47-pm It feels like everything is fractured. I am fractured. My family is fractured. My life is fractured. Once something is fractured it never fully heals, at least not as strong as it once was, there will always be a crack, a weakness, where it broke.Same shit, different day….

I had to go to church yesterday as my hubby is working today and isn’t able to drive me, but he was late getting home yesterday too and I  still had to walk anyway and he didn’t see why I was upset; I had to switch my schedule and my day because of  him so he should at least have the courtesy to be home on time to be able to drive me, and then he said he doesn’t have to drive me at all and if I “don’t stop whining” I can walk all the time. He just doesn’t give two-shits about me, none of them do,  my feelings, opinions, needs, thoughts, etc. don’t matter, and I’m always being undermined and over-ruled, and the kids are disobedient and disrespectful, and to them I’m just a burden they can barely even tolerate and they belittle, devalue,and demean me and push me away and I’m just sooooo tired of it.

I also had trouble with the new TV remote thing my hubby got, and it wasn’t working for me and I asked the 9 YR old to help me and he got mad and screamed at me, frustrated trying to help me and I still wasn’t getting it, and he yelled, “You’re  so stupid!” which was really  demoralizing  and my mother said that everything is always my fault,too, and my kids hate me(I told her it was because she turned them against me and she snickered I did it myself) and when I said they just imitate and copy seeing how she and my hubby treat me she said, “But you….” and I cut her off right there and told her, “You always do that! You always turn it on to me and blame me all the time!” and she keeps ripping into me and wouldn’t even let me put my pillow cases in the wash either as it “costs too much for electricity “even though I needed them before  I went to bed and says if I don’t like it then I can move out and I told her I wish I could but I have no $$$ and nowhere to go.

I’m just spent. My spirit is crushed. I’m destroyed. I’ve had enough. What if she’s right, though? What if I really  am this horrible, awful person and everything really  is because of me? How can I live with such responsibility, failure,and guilt? They really  will be better off without me, and I know I’ll be better off, out of this miserable life, living in a place I hate, with a family that hates me and emotionally abuses me and then blames me for it. This ends today. This ends  now. I want to be in a place full of love and beauty, and even nothingness is still preferable to the pain of this life. Who will they have to kick around and be the scapegoat when I’m gone?

She Died.

Screen Shot 08-27-16 at 03.29 PM My cousin with cancer( seen here) has died. They had given her 6 months and she died just 3 months after she was diagnosed. At least the good of it is she didn’t suffer for long and now she’s at peace. She died just 2 days before her birthday,too; she would have turned 69. So now instead of celebrating her birthday here she’ll be celebrating it somewhere else and I pray for her soul, that she’s in Heaven, although she wasn’t a religious person, but we’re not to speculate, it’s up to God to judge, not us. I only met her once and I didn’t really like her as I found her to be brash and loud-mouthed, too much like my aunt(she even looks exactly like her,too!) My aunt’s brother( my uncle) was her father. I wonder if she can see me now and hear me wherever she is?

It would be nice if I could go over there for the funeral too as I’d love to go back to Europe again; it’s been YRS since I’ve been there and it would nice to visit my cousins. It would also be nice to get a break away from my family here, a vacation, but I can’t afford the airfare, yet part of me just screams, “Oh, f*ck it! Charge it on your credit card and just  go!” but then the logical , responsible part of me nixes the idea and goes, “What were you  thinking?” Aw, shit….

Screen Shot 08-28-16 at 04.14 PM This picture of me was also taken when I had make-up on and was all dressed up nice for church…..but still ugly. No matter what I do or how hard I try I’m still always ugly. Ugly runs on  both sides of my family so I really had no chance right from the beginning. My mouth always looks like it’s been put on crooked,too. What the hell is up with that, anyway? We got a guest priest from Africa in church yesterday,too, and for church I believe in dressing in your Sunday best; if you were to have lunch with the Queen you’d dress all nice and fancy so doesn’t our Lord deserve your best too when you visit His House?

The 15 YR old called me an “old redneck” too even though it’s my hubby that’s the redneck, not me; I don’t even like  sports, country music, pool, darts, wrestling, UFC, NASCAR, beer,Monster trucks,BINGO, etc. like rednecks do. I just don’t get why they’re always hassling,insulting, and berating me.I’m just so sick of this family. My hubby also said he hopes Buddy gets run over by a car so I told him to go play in traffic himself, and when I was walking Buddy a young guy talked to me as well(and said to Buddy, “Are you enjoying your walk with Mom?”) and he was just being friendly, it’s not like he was flirting or anything, but it still  felt good having someone being nice to me and it really made my day. It put a spring in my step and elevated my mood and gave me a boost. I’m not used to people being kind and it was nice.

The BBQ.

Screen Shot 08-27-16 at 03.25 PM We had a BBQ, probably the last one of the summer. My hubby was the cook( BBQ is the only thing that man can cook!) and the flames shot up so high that I thought he was going to singe his eyebrows off! I went for a swim beforehand and then worked up a good appetite for the food. It generated so much smoke that I’m sure all the neighbours were hungry and jealous, and we smelled like a campfire.Seeing the flames like that also reminded me of our fire 20 YRS ago,too. Not fun.

Screen Shot 08-27-16 at 03.25 PM 001

Here are some of the goodies on the grill. We also had corn on the cob in the husks( which smelled like weed while cooking!) for the 15 YR old who’s a vegetarian. Buddy was standing by patiently, waiting, hoping for my hubby to drop a hotdog like he usually does and he wasn’t disappointed; his persistence paid off: he dropped a  hamburger, which is even better! He was one very happy little Dachshund, that’s for sure, and my fine furried friend  enjoyed *his* BBQ,too! We also joke if he eats hotdogs that he’s a “cannibal.”

Screen Shot 08-27-16 at 03.25 PM 003 Here’s some of the cooked food, ready to eat.(I love peeling the blistered skins off the hotdogs!) It looks like enough to feed an army, which the number of people in our house practically is. I also kept getting bitten by blackflies; they were eating me alive,and yesterday I got stung by a wasp,too. Bugs are the only bad thing about summer and if it weren’t for them then summer would be  perfect.  I still can’t believe there’s just one more week of summer left and then it’s back to school. I wish it could be summer all YR long.

My throat’s also been “scratchy”, hoarse, sore, and feels like there’s a huge wad of “hork” stuck in there for awhile lately as well and I wonder if it’s just my allergies, or maybe I inhale too deeply when I smoke weed and it’s like smoke inhalation or irritation or something….or could it perhaps be an allergic reaction to the wasp sting I got(even though it was my arm) and my throat’s swelling up? Whatever it is, it’s really annoying!

 

 

Prayers.

Screen Shot 05-14-16 at 01.59 PM These are some of our relatives(on my mother’s side) that still live in Europe. Our cousin with the terminal lung cancer and secondary brain cancer is the one is sitting in the middle row, third from the right,with the short curly hair and wearing the lilac colour shirt, next to her husband who is wearing a blue plaid shirt. They are not going to treat it and she has been given 3-6 months to live although her goal is to try to make it until Christmas. All her family and friends are rallying around her and praying for her.

This is the face of cancer. Will you please pray for her?

Happy 420!

BMGanja Today is the day to celebrate everything cannabis and I celebrated accordingly! It’s funny as just not too long ago I had no idea what “420” even WAS….and now here I am, smoking weed to alleviate my migraines! Now I am a part of that very same cannabis culture that up until just recently I hardly even knew anything much about; it’s so funny how life turns out and how things can change. I used to think that people that smoked weed were somehow “bad” but now my perception has shifted and I now see how mainstream it really IS and how people from all walks of life partake incl. professionals and it’s really NOT such a big deal afterall and it doesn’t make you a “bad” person afterall, or a raging drug fiend, or a criminal, a bad influence, a loser, a low-life, a good-for-nothing, a junkie, street trash, unprofessional, or whatever, but it’s actually quite common and it’s harder to find someone who hasn’t done it than who has!

As well, I sent my mother’s aunt who lives in Florida a birthday greeting as yesterday she turned 96….only to hear from my cousin shortly after that she’d DIED awhile ago….ooops…no one ever told me! I never knew; no one ever tells me anything,and now I feel really stupid, and my former sister-in-law’s moving in with her boyfriend as well; they’re buying a new 6 bedroom house(they have 5 kids between them) under construction  and that didn’t take her long to find someone else; she just split up with my hubby’s brother(her husband) last January….but at least she DID “trade up” though, going from a redneck to a guy who has money so she’s “moving up”….

Flood Warning.

Flood  I heard on the radio that we have a FLOOD WARNING for this next upcoming week, that the river looks like it’s going to start overflowing due to all the excess rain we’ve had lately! Oh, shit, that’s not good, and our basement leaks every time it rains normally as it IS but if we end up having an honest-to-goodness REAL actual *flood* that will be a real disaster, and water is very destructive! I don’t even know if our insurance policy even covers flooding/water damage! I don’t even want to think about our furniture floating all  around our room, soggy carpets, fried electronics, having to relocate to a motel during repairs(like we did for 10 weeks after the fire) etc. I hope that it won’t be as bad as they predict…I don’t even want to THINK about it, and after all we’ve just been thru lately, we really don’t need ANOTHER stress in our lives, esp. not this soon, not right now!

The 18 YR old is home from the hospital and it was so sweet: as soon as he got home one of his friends came right over to visit him and she gave him a big hug, but my hubby is refusing to remove all the “sharpies” (exacto blades, etc) from his workshop like I’d suggested, saying if he wants to kill himself that badly he’ll find a way and we can’t stop him, yet we also DON’T have to make it “easy” for him,either, and have the “tools” right there easily accessible right at his disposal, and my mother said the 9 YR old’s not going back into his room ever again and staying in her bed with her for good now, fearful the 18 YR old might kill him, saying, “What if he’s delusional and thinks he’s a football or something and kicks him around? He could kill him!” I told her how ridiculous she was being and that he’s never been a danger to anyone but himself.She’s sooooo OBSESSED with him, it’s creepy!

My Jehovah’s Witness friend also came by for a visit and he said, “Your hair turned red!” as the last time he saw me I had the “salt and pepper” hair and I told him I dyed it as the grey made me feel old, and this weekend most of the kids are away, the 14 YR old at a cheerleading competition in Niagara Falls and the Cadets at an activity as well, and the 9 YR old was mad he lost a game and  he smacked himself and I laughed at the absurdity of it, I couldn’t help it; and then he goes, “You’re a terrible mother!”but it just came out! I notice as well my hubby no longer gives me a kiss hello, goodbye, or goodnight anymore now,either, and I don’t CARE, but I DO notice.My mother also  said she doesn’t even like the idea of me using marijuana at all even though it helps my migraines and I get the impression my family looks down on me and thinks less of me for doing so,too, although they’ve never thought much of me even before, either so I might as well just do what makes me happy and what’s best for me……

Pope Francis also came out with a new decree on families how we’re still not to condone the sins of divorce or same-sex “marriage” but we are to treat the people involved with compassion but that’s hardly anything new though; Jesus has been teaching that for over 2000 YRS, love thy neighbour; He didn’t say love thy neighbour except for the gays, except for the divorced, except for the single parents,etc… He always taught to show compassion towards ALL people…