Nails And Neuro.

Screenshot_877 I saw The neurologist and while I was in Kingston I also went to the nail salon and got my nails done, as seen here and to the mall and spent the day of it. I got a French manicure and it always feels so weird having a stranger holding my hands and touching my nails I can literally feel myself tensing up and clenching, but I got thru it and it turned out really nice. I may be ugly, but at least now I have pretty nails. In the mall I also saw these funny socks that said f*cking asshole on them and it made me laugh out loud and when I came out I said to my hubby who was waiting outside, I just found the perfect pair of socks for you! I was gone all day and poor Buddy missed me so much he spent all day sulking under the couch and didn’t eat all day or come out until I came back.

The neurologist is concerned about my hallucinations which just began this summer and doesn’t think it would be due to my white matter decline unless it’s gotten really severe, and wonders if I might have brain inflammation or it’s just caused by extreme and chronic stress otherwise but he’s ordering an MRI(takes about 1-2 months to book) to take a look as well as to see if there’s any changes in the deterioration in the white matter; if it’s the same or worse than it was last year.I was surprised when he said hallucinations can be caused by extreme stress. I never knew that. Really?  Stress is my life. He asked me if there’s any possible way to lower stress in my life and I told him short of running away from home and moving to a distant far away country, no. He said as well that it’s really mean my family plays mind games with me and takes advantage of my forgetfulness.  He also had lots of bloodwork done; they took 6 vials!



On the way home I also took this cool photo of the setting sun. The 24 YR old always complains as well he doesn’t get enough food even though we spend 600$ a week on groceries, but he eats so much we can’t afford to feed him; he can eat 5 sandwiches for lunch, for example, or an entire pizza, but we don’t have enough, otherwise there won’t be enough for everyone, so we have to ration food to one serving or piece each so there’s enough to go around and I told him if he wants more he either has to get a job and buy his own extra food with his own $$$ or have a garden and grow his own food.It’s not fair that he eats everything and there’s none left for anyone else.

Neuro And Nails.

Screen Shot 12-01-17 at 04.05 PM Sorry I’m so late posting this but our stupid InterNet was down for almost 2 days but now it’s finally back up. You don’t realize though how many things depend on it and how little you can get done without it. Holy f*ck. So anyway, I had my yearly app’t with the neurologist in Kingston and he renewed my prescription and he’s very concerned about when I’d fainted and hit my head and he’s thinking it might have something to do with my heart, like it skips a beat, or an abnormal rhythm or something so he’s referring me to a cardiologist and having me wear a Holter heart monitor for 24-48 hours to record my heart beats to look for any abnormalities and also booking a CT scan for my head to see if the impact did fracture my skull or if I have a slow brain bleed since I’m still getting frequent headaches and pain from it. He’s also thinking that what I thought were seizures might, in actual fact, be heart-related issues instead.My grandmother on my mother’s side also died of a heart-attack when she was 50, so there’s that…

I also spent the day at the mall, making My Day out of it, and I went to the nail salon and had my nails done. I got a French manicure. I figure why wait until I’m dying to do the things I like? Why not still do some things I enjoy while I’m still alive? So I go to the counter to pay and they inform they that they don’t take credit cards, only cash or debit,and wouldn’t you know it, I don’t have any cash on me, even though last time I checked I had at least 80$ (so I’m thinking one of the kids must have taken it as I haven’t been out shopping or been anywhere to spend it) and I don’t even have debit,and have no idea how to even use an ATM so I had to call my hubby to come bail me out,and he was 30 minutes away so I had to sit and wait. He refused to come with me to either the mall or my app’t all because I was wearing my weed shirt( my fave. shirt) and he snarled he wasn’t going to be seen with me and that it disrespects him even though I’m the one wearing it, and I’m allowed to wear whatever I want and don’t need his permission, and it has nothing to do with him,and besides, I don’t care if he goes out wearing his redneck hockey jersey; I wouldn’t refuse to be seen with him even though I don’t like hockey. He’s such an asshole. I can’t believe that’s the “best” I could do and all I “deserve.” I hope and pray that God sends me a way out. I can’t keep living like this anymore.

I also walked down the street from the hospital and looked in the shops and boutiques after my app’t (I bought a little  plastic hippo!) but I went too far and somehow got lost and didn’t know where I was ( which wouldn’t have happened if he was with me) and the stores I saw on the way back weren’t the same ones I saw on the way down, and I didn’t recognize anything; I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere and got hopelessly lost(I feel like a senior with dementia),so once again I had to call him to come rescue me but luckily there were street signs so he was able to find me.I know he’s fed up with me always being so stupid but it’s not like I can help it or that I do it on purpose or anything, but I refused to let anything ruin My Day though, not even him being an ass( and he purposely did try to ruin it by purposely sleeping in and dawdling and delaying so we left late so I’d panic,too and also by “forgetting” his phone so we had to go back) or me being embarrassed over not having any cash to pay, or even getting lost. I wanted to check out a pot dispensary as well and pick up some edibles but I couldn’t find the place.


Screen Shot 04-03-17 at 08.29 AM When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk yesterday morning I noticed that twice someone had graffittied duhar on our driveway in chalk and I thought that maybe it was some gang and that it was some sort of gang symbol , targeting our house as they intended to return and rob us….but as it turned out it was one of my own kids and not a gang afterall; they had “delayed” April Fool’s Day a few days later as on Saturday no one was home to celebrate it and prank anyone as the 17 YR old was away at a Cadets activity, the 13 YR old was at a youth group event, the 15 YR old had her cheerleading competition and the 22 YR old was at his jiu-jitsu.

I thought it was doo-har but it was actually d’har as in what d’har? so of course they all got a big laugh over it, and as well they had hung 8 or so potatoes suspended from the hall ceiling on the second floor but by the time I saw it there were only 2 left hanging, and someone also put a wart pad on the handle of the toilet, and the 13 YR old replaced the 15 YR old’s framed photo studio portrait on the wall with a framed colour diagram of the human body, complete with internal  organs as she has this “thing” about human anatomy; it really grosses her out,and she always shrieks, too much H.B! (human body) I’m sure they must have done other things,too, but that’s all that I found out about…

I finally got my nails filled in and touched up as well; I just went to a salon here and they use the same stuff and the guy doing it was really meticulous with the filing and polishing,too, and the fill-in was only 27$, incl. tax, and when I’d mentioned how my hubby didn’t want to have to wait for me to get my nails done he goes, but isn’t that what marriage is all about? and it made me think, he’s right! and that realization really hit me hard. My hubby also got something on sale and he ended up paying more in tax than he did for the actual item, as they had the nerve to charge the tax based on the cost of the original listed price and not on the reduced actual sale price that he paid! They really do cheat us and rip us off, more than we realize!

The house next door is now also for sale now again as well as the one across the street, and my friend P (from grade 6) and her boyfriend just got back from a cruise to the Mexican Riviera and yesterday they left for another trip to the Caribbean, also still celebrating her 50th birthday! so lucky! He’s a keeper! She should hold on to that one and marry that guy! The 10 YR old always tells Buddy he’s “bad” too even when he doesn’t even do anything(and I tell him not to or else when he really is bad he won’t know the difference and it won’t mean anything) and my mother tersely replied, he’s breathing,that’s enough! She’s just so mean and I’m tempted to draw a swastika on her backpack because she’s so full of hate. She’s just a mean, nasty, spiteful, mean-spirited,vindictive,bitter,hateful old woman!

The Eating Disorder Clinic.

screen-shot-03-03-17-at-04-28-pm Yesterday the 13 YR old saw the child psychiatrist and had her assessment for her bulimia and self-harm( cutting.) The doctor talked to her, my hubby,and I all together at first and then to her alone, and then to all of us again. We also filled out some information forms. She asked mainly about mental health history in our family, on both sides, concentrating most on immediate family members.She decided the best course of action for treatment is to go to the eating disorder clinic once a week, at least initially until she’s stabilized, both her and my hubby and I as she said treatment involves working together as a family and they have an entire team that works together incl. a nutritionist, a doctor, a social worker, a behaviour modification specialist, etc. She will also be keeping a food journal and learning more appropriate strategies to cope with anxiety and will receive counselling and perhaps medication, to treat depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.and to identify “triggers.”

The only problem is that it’s an HR drive each way and my hubby will have to take the time off work one day a week which will be difficult, and it’s too bad that there isn’t an eating disorder treatment closer to here, but sadly the mental health treatments for kids in this area is pretty much non-existant. I just hope that they actually can help her, and I’m still so stressed out and worried about the whole crisis that I’m still not sleeping,and now I’m hardly eating much,either, my appetite is gone with the stress,and I feel sick and faint with all the anxiety.I’m a wreck.

After the app’t we also went to the mall so she could get the new Zelda game she’s been waiting 5 years for and we looked around, and I tried on free make-up at Sephora and I went to the nail salon and got my nails done again, a French manicure like before as this Lent I decided the bad habit I’m trying to give up is biting my nails and the only way I’ve ever been successful at doing that is when I had my nails done before,and it lasted for 5 weeks, plus I’m under so much stress right now I really needed to pamper and treat myself, plus it’s something I can do to make myself feel “pretty”; I know I’ll never be thin again or  ever be pretty, but I can at least have nice nails, and a nice suntan in the summer.

My hubby and the 13 YR old didn’t want me to get my nails done though as they didn’t want to wait and hang around the mall waiting for me; they wanted to go right home, but excuuuussse meeeee! I hardly ever get to go out, and I wanted to do stuff at the mall,too, and they have to think about other people sometimes! It’s just so typical though, of how anything for me is always such a burden, inconvenient, dismissed, unimportant, a bother, not a priority, etc. and my hubby even threatened to leave me there, and it’s an HR away! I’d have no way to get back home! It really hurts the way they treat me and devalue,and my family makes me feel so unlovable and worthless and it’s an awful feeling and not something anyone should be made to feel. With my life and traumas and in my brokenness I have also lost the ability to be the person I was. I have essentially been stripped of me.

The 17 YR old also had a friend over, and she made this funny loud barking coughing sound that sounded like a walrus and I just cracked up because I used to make that exact same sound myself when I was younger! In fact, I was even nick-named The Walrus! For some reason though ever since I got pregnant with my first child and ever since then I’ve lost my ability to be able to do it, but it was the funniest thing,and now to hear someone else do my Walrus again all these YRS later was hilarious,and, just like when I would entertain everyone with my Walrus, they were cracking up laughing hearing it as well just like my friends always did.


screen-shot-11-28-16-at-06-43-pm-001 Yesterday I had my yearly app’t with the neurologist. It was in a city an HR away, which also happens to be the same city that the 13 YR old was born in and the same city the 18 YR old had to go to have his leukemia treatment when he was younger. My hubby had the day off(he got from working overtime) and I made a day of it. While there I also went shopping at the mall and I treated myself to a French Manicure at the nail salon for the holidays! This was the first time I’d ever been  to a nail salon or ever had a professional manicure! I even saw an old man there getting his feet done! (ewww!!) It’s interesting how all the nail salon ladies all seem to be Vietnamese,too! The lady used this tool like a wood working polisher, then using like a small paint brush dipped a liquid in a white powder which turned to a thick gel and she put it on my nails and it burned and stung my cuticles where I had bitten them( I’m under sooo much stress lately I’m a wreck and bitten my nails really bad so I’m also hoping the manicure will deter that) and then glued the tips on and then I dried it under a warm light,and then they were buffed and polished again and coated with a clear glossy polish. It took about 30 minutes and cost 50 $ and should last 2-3 weeks and then “grows” out. It made me feel pampered and pretty,and for the first time I didn’t feel completely ugly. I also bought a glitter eyeliner at Sephora.

The doctor renewed my prescription, did a few basic neurologic tests,and I got bloodwork, and was concerned about the seizure I had last YR so I had an ECG done to check my heart( boy and I ever glad that I wore a bra! I don’t usually, I usually just go au natural but figured I’d better wear one for my app’t as you never know what part of your body they might want to look at or listen to your chest,etc.) and is booking me for an EEG( to check for abnormal brain waves) as well but it takes about 2 months. He doesn’t think smoking weed could have caused the seizure and thinks most likely due to something with my heart that caused a sudden drop in blood pressure, or that I’ve been having “silent” seizures all along but they’re so subtle they’ve gone unnoticed and now scar tissue has formed causing the Big One. He said if I only have the one and no others and if the EKG is normal he has no concerns, but if I have more or it shows abnormal brain waves then it needs to be treated using medication. He also agreed that cannabis is good for treating migraines and said he’s glad that it’s helping me.

Buddy really missed me( I was gone 6 HRS) gone for most of the day,too, he was waiting at the door for me alot of the time and sulking under the couch and when I finally did come back he was overjoyed and yelping and  jumping all over me in jubilation and when I went up to have a bath he was whining at the door and even as I sit here at the computer he jumped up onto my lap, wanting to cuddle and stay close by me. He’s just the sweetest little guy and loyal little friend. I just love him so much!