Swimming Upstream.

salmon The 11 YR old was playing Minecraft and he designed this treehouse where the only way you can go in is to swim upstream up a waterfall and then it occurred to me that that’s me, that’s how I feel going thru my life, just like a salmon swimming upstream, against the current, to spawn. It’s not an easy thing to swim upstream, against the current.It’s not easy for me to fight to survive thru my life. That’s me and my life with all the crisis, trials, hardships, traumas,set-backs, disappointments, failures, knock-downs hits, abuse, rejection, difficulties, challenges, bad luck, pain, disadvantages, victimization, etc.. that I’ve had to constantly face in my life, hurtling from one right to another, with rarely a break in-between to even catch a break,a breath, or to refuel. I feel like I’m always swimming upstream, against the current, struggling, flailing, going against this force with all my might, and it has almost killed me many times and yet I still keep trying. I have always had to go against the flow, push back, hold on, endure, push thru, soldier on, charging ahead, keep swimming.Will I ever make it though? I feel like I’m always struggling to swim upstream but I never seem to get to the calm and safety of the other side. I’m always just struggling but I never seem to get anywhere for it. I just keep endlessly swimming upstream but I never get anywhere.

As well, my hubby found a temporary job in the same company for 3 months anyway, so we have income and drug and dental coverage for the next 3 months, until the end of June, but he’ll have to work every night until 8 pm, but the job fair(where he was all day yesterday) continues on today as well and he had 2 interviews yesterday and hopefully more today and I have a good feeling about it….I also had to overcome temptation to NOT eat my Easter chocolate I have to save until Sunday…..I was so tempted to just bite off the little square at the bottom where it stand in the box and maybe even a few chunks off the back where it wouldn’t be noticeable, and then just put it back in the box where no one would be able to tell……ha ha ha I’m so bad!!!  😀   Gluttony is my biggest sin.


Screen Shot 01-18-18 at 06.17 PM The 10 YR old was playing Splatoon and his opponent’s colour was a bright orange, the exact same shade that was my fave. colour when I was a kid, the same as seen in the photo here. It reminded me of my childhood, esp. when I was 4 and 5, and I had clothing, incl. matching socks, in my fave. colour and in school I would even colour in animals a bright orange and I can still remember my mother and I were living with my aunt, uncle,and cousins at the time, and one of their foster kids at the time who was a teenager, went to USA and she brought me back a bright orange piggy bank, knowing how much I loved the colour,and it was one of my fave toys and I never forgot about it, even to this day.

That was such a special time in my life when we lived with them, it was such a crowded house, there were 10 of us living there, 7 of us kids, and 3 adults and it felt like I had siblings and I was part of a big family and it was wonderful. Of the kids I was the youngest and the others were teens, incl. 3 of my 4 cousins( the oldest was married and moved out) and my aunt and uncle’s 3 foster kids. One of the foster kids was mean and used to beat me up(I can still clearly remember her smacking me around and throwing me off the couch so hard I’d bounce off and hit the floor) so I just tried to avoid her but other than that it was a great time in my life I will always remember fondly, and where I had a sense of belonging. It was hard later when we moved out on our own and I was a lonely only child again.

I also remember that in Jr. High and Highschool the office demanded everyone’s combination code for their lockers and I refused to give my real one, not that I ever had anything to hide but I thought it was a gross violation of privacy and of my rights so in silent protest I just always gave them a fake, made up one every year. They were never the wiser but I still got this secret satisfaction knowing that I would never submit,and I have always stuck it to The Man and stood up to authority and any time I saw an injustice or oppression, incl. standing up to teachers I deemed Fascist, one of the most memorable ones being my art teacher in grade 11. I still don’t remember what she said or did but she was unfairly treating me for something or other and I told her off, even though I knew I’d probably get into alot of shit for it….I can still remember, it was on a Friday afternoon and I worried all weekend what might befall me once I came back on Monday, but I still shrugged it off even so thinking No matter what she does to me, even if I get suspended, it will still be worth it….but as it turned out she did nothing, and nothing more was ever mentioned about it .I’ve always been a rebel, ha, ha.

The 14 YR old also says lust is my biggest sin although in actual reality gluttony is my biggest sin, although lust is probably my second-biggest sin, with all the lustful fantasies I have, usually about hot guys that are way out of my league that I have no chance with ever and that barely even know I walk the face of the Earth, but still, I can dream, can’t I, and besides, my fantasies keep me going,and what’s life without hopes and dreams,right? I know I’ll never have it in real life but my imagination is the best I can do.



Early Birthday Lunch.

Screen Shot 12-28-17 at 03.04 PM My mother and I went out for my early birthday lunch. We went to our fave. Italian restaurant, also the finest dining in town but also expensive, which is why we only go twice a year, for birthday and Mother’s Day. Above is a photo of the left-overs we brought back home. We shared French onion soup, garlic bread, a chicken penne pasta with cheese, mushrooms and a creamy sauce, pizza with chicken, Feta cheese, mozzarella, mushrooms, hot peppers, onions, and sun-dried tomatoes, and the most decadent chocolate mousse cake imaginable. It was just beyond amazing and I savoured and relished every single bite. I swear I had an orgasm, and I have no doubt as well that gluttony is my biggest sin. With tip the bill came to 95$ but you only get what you pay for and honestly I can’t think of anything better to spend 95$ on…..my God it was just soooooo good and if I die now and it ended up being my last meal then at least I’ll die happy with a smile on my face and with a full stomach!

Also, if I really actually am going to die this year while I’m 50 I literally only have days left and I had this feeling before it’ll be on the 29th although I never knew which month; the 29th of what but if it is this YR this is the last month of the year and that makes today the last 29 th of this year as well so will it be today?It’s exciting though to think that I could finally be free in just mere hours, that Heaven is just so close….. my mother also thinks it’s her hemmoroids causing her rectal bleeding esp. as she said they were really itchy and she was scratching them and thinks she must have popped it causing the bleeding, which is next to nothing now, so it sure seems possible… It was nice having lunch out with her too, just the two of us, and we were able to talk and even almost “bond”, like in the Old Days when we were closer, before I had kids and she started meddling and taking over. There was actually a connection between us and it was nice.


Screen Shot 06-23-16 at 04.13 PM My mother and I went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet for her early birthday( she’s turning 75) lunch. I bet when they saw us two hippos come thundering in they hid alot of the food, ha,ha! We took “All-you-can-eat” as a challenge, and to a whole new level. I went up 3 times to re-fill my plate, making sure I got my money’s worth. I mainly gorged on lo-mein and flat noodles and my mother pigged-out on chicken. I ate so much I was stuffed and I could hardly even move…I even thought I might puke….it reminded me of ancient Rome where they’d have these extravagant meals, tables full of food they’d stuff themselves with, complete and utter gluttony, and even had “vomitoriums”, like basins, made of marble, on the walls,that they would vomit into after gorging themselves, eating then purging, only to continue on feasting.People claim it was only a legend and not actually true, but  we even saw them when we were in Rome; they reminded me sort of like baptismal fonts.(I saw the public latrines,too, which made me laugh,and the holes were all different sizes for all different butt sizes!) I joked they should have had them at the all-you-can-eat buffet,too! I feel badly for the poor Roman slave who’s job it was to clean those things out though! Ewwww!

I also calculated my BMI and it’s 34.25 which is officially obese; if it’s over 30 you’re considered obese, and I’m seriously considering gastric by-pass (stomach stapling) surgery to lose weight, and I’ll have to look into it and see if it’s covered by the provincial healthcare, and my allergies have been bad lately,too: itchy eyes, runny nose,and sneezing every day, and I saw the Snowbirds practicing for the airshow, and the 17 YR old said her friend’s father is in the airshow as well; he pilots the Griffon! I don’t know how she ended up pretty,either, as both my hubby and I are garden-variety “uggos” so how did we ever end up with a pretty kid?