Shirley Fall.

Screenshot_692 It is surely fall. This is what I woke up to yesterday morning. Yes, that’s right, it was below freezing!  When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk we froze our asses off. I put his warm wool sweater on him and I had to wear my heavy wool sweater, hat and mitts! I also finally took the A/C out of my window the other day as the cold wind blowing thru the cracks made my bedroom freezing cold during the night and last night I still even had to have my little heater on in my room and the furnace even came on for the first time too! It’s officially fall now,and you can tell it looks and feels like it now, all dull, cold, windy, rainy, with coloured leaves all over and you can smell and fell a briskness and chill in the air.

Winter is coming!

Screenshot_693 Another sign of fall: now I’m wearing leggings and thick warm socks. No more shaving my legs or nail polish on my toenails anymore now until spring.My legs hibernate over the winter. I wish I could,too.

Screenshot_694 Look! Pumpkin cheesecake! We had this for our Sunday dessert yesterday. It was just so good, it was beyond words.It’s a good thing it wasn’t a Weed Day or else I probably would have eaten the whole thing. In church yesterday there was also this guy sitting in front of me who had this tattoo on the back of his neck and I spent the entire time trying to figure out what it said but I never could as the script wasn’t in English and usually I’m pretty good with languages but I couldn’t figure this out and didn’t even recognize it what language it was, the letters look almost inverted, reversed and upside down, so maybe it was some sort of gang symbolism or something, I don’t know….it was almost like some sort of secret code and I spent the entire hour trying to figure it out. It doesn’t take much to amuse me, ha,ha.

My hubby and the girls were making fun of me as well as I got the A-B-C order mixed up and thought M came before L and that I always have to recite the Alphabet Song to remember and figure out which letter comes next and they laugh at me and call me stupid even though I have White Matter Decline(which is similar to Alzheimer’s but affects a different part of the brain) and can’t help it, but they like to say it’s because I’m a pothead, because then they can blame me for it and make me look bad,shame me, and say it’s my own dumb fault, and they’re always talking about Satan’s Day (Halloween) around me,too, purposely knowing it gets me upset as I don’t want anything to do with the occult and I avoid it and then they mock and ridicule me for my religious faith and obedience(to stay away from anything occult) but I just ignore them, don’t give them the satisfaction, and just consider where it comes from.It doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a reply.I just pretend I don’t even hear them or just walk away. I care more about what God thinks(and thinks of me) than what they think,anyway.

He Sent Him.

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When I prayed for someone to love me God sent me Buddy, and when He sent him:

He sent someone to love me unconditionally.

He sent me a best friend.

He sent me a great listener.

He sent me the perfect companion.

He sent someone who will never “out-grow” cuddling.

He sent me a reason to get up every morning.

He brought light, joy,and love into my life.

He sent someone to love me when no one else would.

He sent me a friend that is loyal and will never hurt or betray me.

He gave me someone to dote on.

He gave me someone that needed me.

He gave me someone who loves me just as I am and doesn’t care what I look like, how much I weigh,how smart I am,how much money I have, what I’ve achieved, or that I’m crazy.

He sent me an example of pure selfless love.

He ended my loneliness and longing for love and friendship.

He gave life meaning again.

He gives me a reason to keep going each day.

He sent me my soulmate, only in animal form.

He sent someone who “gets” me.

He sent me a friend that will never wake up one day and suddenly decide he doesn’t like me anymore.

He sent someone to keep me company and someone to talk to.

He sent a friend to comfort me.

He sent someone that would return my love and not reject it.

He sent someone to make me smile and laugh.

He sent someone who misses me when I leave and is happy to see me when I return.

He sent me someone who loves me more than they love themselves.

He sent someone to love.

He sent LOVE.

Thank you, God.

Our Thanksgiving.

Screenshot_613 Yesterday we had Thanksgiving. What I’m most thankful for is Buddy; that God gave him to me so that someone still does  love me when no one else would (or could) love me, and for my strong faith, even if I struggle personally and have a crisis of faith or have doubts it’s in myself and in my own abilities and strengths; never in God’s, and it’s only because of Him and His provisions, protection, guidance, warnings,blessings,love,and wisdom that I have the endurance I’ve had in order to still be here, despite always struggling to find joy and purpose in life.

Screenshot_616 This is but a small sample of our big Thanksgiving feast we had for dinner. Besides us we also had my father-in-law over.  We had something like 6 turkeys, 5 hams, 6 pumpkin pies( my FAVE!!!!) 2 kinds of veggie, 2 kinds of potatoes, buns, stuffing, etc. It was a feast fit for a king! I heard the kids talking as well how “small” our family is now, now there’s only 4 of them left at home with all of the others having moved out or away(and too far to be able to just visit for a weekend), either at school(and the 2 away at school either phoned or live-video chatted to us back home for today,too, and the 19 YR old had her Thanksgiving and dinner with her BF and his family, so she wasn’t alone) and how it feels so weird now. and how now there’s so much room around the table! and We’re not all squished in now!  and remember when all the kids all lived here at the same time? but they sounded like they were being nostalgic though, like they missed it, like I do, longing for the Old Days, missing their siblings and fondly remembering their childhood and it made me smile.

The 23 YR old was sadly sick with a cold up in bed in his room all day so he missed dinner and I’d mentioned to my mother how without him at the table( as both him and my hubby when they both get together are really  trouble!) it’s not as likely they’ll act like such losers…. and then, just then as I said that….

A dinner roll comes sailing past from the dining room into the kitchen.

Ok, nevermind.

Today’s also supposed to get up to 27 C with a humidex of 35 C and the same tomorrow ( so definitely OUTSIDE DAYS!) and then cool back down to 13 C and stay there, at the average , and for the past few days I’ve had increasing belly pain too ,and swollen and distended stomach above belly-button area and now it even hangs over like a big ‘ol beer gut! I swear to God, I kid you not ,and not sure if it was my stomach ulcer or my liver, both I’ve had recurring issues with but I think it’s my liver as now the pain has also gone down along the right side too, along the path of the liver…and when it’s my ulcer it gives me a bit of relief after I eat but with this there’s no difference, and, actually feels worse around an hour after I ate.

I got an answer as well to my prayer about revealing the truth regarding a serious accusation against me I can’t remember and am unsure if it’s because of my memory issues or because it never happened and the answer pressied on my heart as:  ———(the accuser) has a mental illness.Sometimes their mind gets ‘jumbled’ up, like yours does, and they can’t tell what’s real from what’s  just in their mind. There’s no malicious intent; they really do believe it but their mind is playing tricks on them, and the reason you don’t remember doing it is because you didn’t and it never happened.

Holy shit! I wonder though…. maybe? It might help to explain it, and why it doesn’t make sense, add up, and contradicts with my memory and the memory of a witness who was there at the time. If that’s true then that makes me feel better, knowing I didn’t do anything horrible like that, that I’m not such a terrible person I could do something so awful and then just forget all about it like it was nothing at all.I have nothing to feel guilty, horrible, ashamed and suicidal about because I didn’t actually do anything bad and nothing happened…..

….and yet….

….due to my own struggles with my own mind I still questioned it, had self doubts, wondered, Could it have been possibleAm I really this horrible person only I just don’t know it? No wonder everyone hates me. Am I capable of this?  and doubting my own mind, my own memories, my own realities, my own perception, my own reasoning, everythingI am a crazy person, afterall, so anything is possible I guess…. even though I knew in my heart that wasn’t me, that’s not who I am, and I knew there’s no way I would have or could have done those things, and I feel like to cry even just thinking about it, and yet my own insecurities, self-doubts, lack of confidence, and struggles with sanity still  made me question the possibility, or at the very least my ability to correctly remember,process, or at least interpret it.

My mother also got mad at me and goes on this rant how I’m a Shop-a-holic and I love to over-spend and she goes on and on, when all I did was spend a whole 7.00$ at the Dollar Store to buy Buddy a dog toy. Wow….. a whole 7.00$! Come on….. is she serious? and then she goes on to berate me, saying I’m still the same as I was in Toronto and Ottawa ( when we used to have $$$$$$ which we don’t now) such as how I’d spend1-2 hundred $$ a week on clothes at the mall. She’s got to be kidding me.Really? We used to have $$$$ then. Now we don’t. I know the difference.

 

The Laugh.

Screenshot_1031 I haven’t had a good laugh for a long, long time, and so long I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so I prayed to God and asked Him to send me something that will really make me laugh and as always He delivered: I was watching the TV news and one of the reporters showed us these photos he’d doctored super-imposing his face on top of other people’s faces, making for funny photos, such as him at the Trump-Putin summit, him with Trump and the Queen, him horseback riding with Giselle Bundchen ,etc. it was really funny and I laughed so hard I laughed out loud, exactly the kind of thing I needed and was looking for. It never fails to amaze me how God cares so much for each and every one of us, that even the smallest,most insignificant things still matter to God if they are important to us and if we ask for them; all we have to do is ask. If it matters to us, it matters to God.

As well, the 11 YR old’s such a genius he’s memorized 35 digits of Pi (all I know is the 3.14) and he’s skipped several grades in school for years now and will be starting grade 9 (that’s highschool!) when school resumes in the fall! The pool guy was back again (he was here 4 hours) as well and seemed to have finally found the main leak: he dug a second hole underground and said that when the other pool guys either opened or closed the pool for the season when they took the “jet” out they punctured the wall and one of the lines somehow, his guess would be with a screwdriver or something trying to force it out, and so he fixed it, costing 350$ which is still way better than 950$.

So now we can run it and add the chemicals…..and hope it clears up and that we get to use it at least for the second-half of summer as we haven’t been able to so far and it’s been so HOT this month I would have been swimming every day! Today, for instance, with the humidity( feels 40 C) we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning, but hopefully at least it will cool it down. Both my mother and hubby say they won’t even be opening the pool next year if we’re still here but they always say that every year….they say it’s a waste of $$$$ just because they don’t swim and they don’t use it and it’s mainly me that does and as we all know anything for me isn’t worth it.

I wonder as well if maybe my pain might be a kidney infection or UTI as even though it started in the abdomen it’s now really bad in the lower back, both sides,and now I also noticed that my pee is really cloudy and foamy, signs of infection, and it has this really strong pungent odour that stinks like cat piss. Every now and then I still get the odd twinge shoot thru my abdomen as well but the worst now is my back.It’s always something; I don’t think I’m ever really pain-free.

Screenshot_1032 Also this because sunflowers make me happy.

The Revelation.

JesusMeditatingPrayer I had a revelation yesterday when I was getting down on myself again for settling in life and all my regrets over things I wish I had done but didn’t and how I wish I could go back and rewind time and do so many things over and differently in life and it came to me about settling: that settling sometimes is just a part of life, you don’t always get what you want and things don’t always turn out the way you hope and sometimes you have to make do with less and settle for less, but there are other times where you don’t, where you stay determined and stick with your goal and pursue your dream and accept nothing less; the problem is when you always compromise and settle and sell yourself short and then you deserve better.

That is me though; I’ll settle for less rather than risk nothing at all, so even if it’s not exactly what I wanted or hoped for I’ll take it for fear of missing out and ending up with nothing otherwise and I always end up with second-best or less-than and having to settle for less because what I really want is always out of reach. I’m tired of always having to settle though, to always make do with inferior stuff I don’t really want because that’s all I could get and for once I’d like to be able to attain the actual preferred and desired outcome or item, like to get the pink one that I really wanted instead of having to settle for another colour, for example, or to get the actual designer brand one instead of the cheap knock-off, or to settle for the one that’s so-so because it’s the only one left, or to get the better quality one for once instead of the cheaper one that I can afford, or to marry someone I actually love than to just settle for the first(and only) person that shows any interest in me because that’s the “best” I can do , etc.

As well, the homily at Mass yesterday also got me thinking: it was how God doesn’t require big, complicated tasks of us and He just asks us to be faithful and even the smallest, simple things to us that might seem meaningless and like nothing to us can actually have great significance to Him, and what we see as as failure in ourselves(and what others and the world sees as success and failure in us as well) God might see as a triumph, and even Jesus’ ministry on Earth  would appeared to Him and His followers as a failure: He was hated, mocked and killed and His Disciples all abandoned him and scattered…. but now look at His church and  following….it’s blossomed… and that seeds are planted and then we’re to leave the rest up to God, to just have hope and faith and sit back and let Him to His work and see what happens; that great trees can grow strong and mighty from the smallest seeds….that also got me thinking about my sunflower seeds that I’m trying so desperately to grow and so far out of 24 seeds only 2 seedlings have survived so far…maybe it’s even symbolic of my own kids: of 11 kids only 2 of them will return to God, despite my raising them all in the faith and planting the seed?

My hubby also said he’s going to call the realestate agent to come in and access the house this week, and it makes me sad as it makes moving even more real and even closer and sooner. I’m really going to miss our backyard, the pool, my bedroom(esp. the floral wallpaper) and picking fresh warm mulberries right off our trees. I just hope that there’s things at the new house wherever it is that I will also love equally as much. It’s been 2 weeks for my mother’s sore back as well and she’s slowly improving; going longer periods in-between pain and now at the worst her pain level is 8 out of 10 on the pain scale instead of a 10 but I think she’s enjoying her time off on the couch and taking advantage of it having me taking over all her household chores for her though, not having to do any work….

Father’s Day was yesterday as well which Buddy can now celebrate too, now that he’s a father, having fathered puppies 2 months ago, and about my hubby my mother snarked to me, Did you say Happy Father’s Day? and I replied, Oh, well, no one said Happy Mother’s Day to me so I thought we weren’t celebrating, and I’m still waiting for the kids to make me my Mother’s Day cards from last month! All the kids did,however, make cards for him though and even gave them to him right in front of me,too, to make a big show of it; they couldn’t have even done it in private so I’d never even have to know,rubbing it in how they do make cards for him just not for me, and pretty well every night I always wake up between 3 – 3:30 am as well and last night I also did but because of a headache and I saw a house in a dream too with a wooden front door and the top of the door was arched and curved, as opposed to a straight rectangle and I wonder if that’s what our new house will look like and if I’ll recognize it later from my dream?

The Plumber.

MarioPlumber So, 2 plumbers came to access the damage as to why our ceiling was leaking and then crashed down to the hallway below. It was the toilet like I had suspected…..only it was also much worse; not only is the pipe leaking( they shut off the water to third floor bathroom, so now when I have to get up to pee during the night I have to stumble all the way down to the second floor bathroom in the dark trying not to fall down the stairs in the dark in my semi-awake state) but they have to completely replace all the old copper pipes in that area, even though I thought we already did have all the old copper pipes in the house replaced when we first moved in 15 years ago( I guess there was some they forgot?) and tear out the entire ceiling in the hallway on the second floor below to do it…..yet another expense that we can’t afford…. and this is going to cost thousands of $$$$$$! Where is the $$$$$ going to come from? They said they’ll be back next week so now we have a week without use of the third floor bathroom,and guess who uses that bathroom during the night, to wash her face, and getting up first thing in the morning and before going to bed last thing at night? Yup……me.

Maybe the gastro doctor was right,too: if everything else “major” is eliminated for my stomach and abdomenal pain IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is left, a gastro condition causing pain, cramping, gas, constipation and diarrhrea and is often seen in people who suffer from depression and stress, most commonly middle-aged women. I wouldn’t be surprised; I have so much stress in my life; now not only does it effect me emotionally but now physically as well but if it is IBS I’m surprised it causes this much pain though but she said it can, and, of course, there’s no cure, it’s just one of those chronic things you have to live with. It figures. Just another health issue to add to my list. Yet another pain in my life.

The thought came to me as well that maybe the reason none of my suicide attempts never work as it’s not my time is that maybe someone still needs me and that someone is Buddy! Even though my family doesn’t give two shits about me and no one else cares about me Buddy loves me and he does depend on me and needs me; I’m the one that takes care of him and looks after all is needs and if he loves me as much as I love him when I’m gone he’ll be devastated and feel lost just like I would without him,and maybe he needs and loves me just as much as I do him, and I need to be here for him. He is the only light, joy,and love in my life, and perhaps, I am his only, too, and God’s keeping me around here a little longer because I have to take care of him and he needs me, relies on me,and loves me?

I also wanted to clarify when I mention about how it broke me when the 15 YR old went thru her struggles being suicidal and anorexic and when she pulled away from me after we had been so close and decided she didn’t love me anymore even though she was the person I was the closest to, and it was the last straw after a long list of years  and years of traumas and  constant misfortunes, tragedies, bad luck,loss, stress, crisis, and and hits that just keep coming and coming that just  pushed me over the edge. I just love her so much when she broke and to watch her fall apart destroyed me and then when she also pulled away from me it just shattered me and it was too much and just broke me.I’d reached my limit. Seeing someone I love so much suffering thru something like that, breaking so hard like that and then being shut out was too much for me and it tore me apart and was the “trigger” point of the beginning of the end for me, the decline I was never able to recover from and the point I just decided I couldn’t go on any more. I don’t blame her; she can’t help breaking any more than I can; it’s just that after what happened to her and to our relationship as a result, it was more than I could handle and it decimated me.

My hubby also had a job interview and there are jobs in Markham and Nova Scotia and Markham is too close to Toronto so there’s no way we could ever afford to live there and Nova Scotia is more affordable, but the Maritimes are known for having really bad weather, being right along the ocean, such as bad hurricanes, flooding, and blizzards, plus they are the provinces(as well as BC) that are very hostile to homeschooling. They said it went well and will let him know in a week. He also got hit by a car! I saw 2 red circles on his shins and I thought it was from working on the fence, that maybe he got his legs mixed up with the fence posts and hammered his legs instead…but someone wasn’t looking where they were going, driving really slowly luckily, and bumped into him….at first I thought he was joking..when he said he was hit by a car…..well, you know, of course I didn’t believe it….

I also heard Classical music coming out of my window A/C…..weird, I know…and Buddy was trying to catch a mouse in the rec room and got trapped amongst a “maze” of boxes and tightly squeezed in furniture and things and was tightly wedged in there and if he’d gone even a bit further he would have gotten stuck and the spot was so small and tight I wouldn’t have been able to get him out; he was almost at the point of no return if he’d kept going after the mouse….so, out of concern for his well-being I called him to Come!…. and he looked confused as to how to get his way back out, but he listened to my voice and followed it until he was able to back out and navigate his way thru the dark “maze” and find his way out back to me, where he popped his head out and saw me and then he perked up, wiggled his body and wagged his tail in joy and ran over to me, bounding over, leaping into my arms, joyfully, and it reminded me of us and God: even when we are afraid, feel alone, are scared,  can’t find our way in a dark, scary situation, don’t know where we are or how to find our way out, don’t be afraid. Just listen to His voice and follow Him and He will see us safely thru and get us out. If we listen to His voice and follow Him he will guide us back to safety, back to Him.

Dear God…

Screen Shot 06-29-17 at 11.52 AM Dear God, please help me heal from my brokenness that all the trauma, pain, hurt, and abuse in my life has caused me, and esp. for the way my family treats me that makes me feel so inadequate, stupid, inept, unwanted, rejected, unloved, devalued,insignificant, inferior,small, worthless, and useless. It really hurts my heart and crushes my spirit. Please help me to be strong.

Dear God, please help the 14 YR old to recover and heal, but also at the same time to realize that no matter what may have happened to her and no matter what she’s dealing with that it still doesn’t give her the right to be mean and to treat me the way she does, esp. when I’m the one that loves her the most and I’m just trying to help her.

Dear God, I pray that I find happiness and love in life, that it’s never too late.

Dear God, I pray for health, happiness,and safety for my family, and that my kids never settle in life like I did and that they marry for love and have a happier marriage and family life than I did.

Dear God, I ask that my sins be forgiven and that I am worthy of Heaven. I pray that you can be forgiving and that my family will be more patient, understanding,tolerant,and sympathetic with me and my medical issues and limitations and realize that I’m not this horrible person that they seem to think I am and hate; that I’m just broken, just flawed, just human, but I am trying,and that I have good intentions and I mean well, things just don’t work out so well for me.

Dear God, I pray for peace,and for an end to war, terrorism, discrimination, hate, poverty, oppression,and injustice.

Dear God, I pray for healing for those who are sick, those who are suffering from mental illness, addictions, who are dying, for the souls of those who have died, for those who are grieving, for those who have lost children, for those who are lonely, hurting, or struggling in any way. For all those on my prayer list.

Dear God, I pray that my kids come back to you and return to their faith.

Dear God, I pray for the Church, the Pope, for vocations, for recent converts, for lost souls to return to you, for all people of faith, and for people who are searching or lost to find You.

Dear God, I thank you for my blessings,and for always protecting and providing for me, for keeping my family and I safe and warning and guiding us and providing for our needs.

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I also saw this commercial on TV which was a tourism ad for Chicago and it said, Home isn’t always where you’re from, it’s where you fit in. and that’s just sooooo me. In the Caribbean. I’ve never felt at home here. I’ve always felt like the Caribbean is my home and where I belong.