MovingBoxes I’m still shocked and reeling from the news in 2 weeks my hubby won’t have a job. What do we do financially when we’re just barely hanging on and can hardly pay the bills now and what about coverage for my medications that would cost hundreds of dollars a month otherwise? This is yet another thing to keep my mother up late at night worrying about finances and where the $$$$ is going to come from. We’ll likely have to move as well, to wherever he can find a job, he says closer to Toronto where he’d most likely have to commute to but the problem is the closer you get to the city the more expensive it is and we can’t afford it and the idea was to downsize and save $$$$$. Whatever we’d be able to get selling this house here would probably only end up being half what a house there would cost!

So if we do end up moving my hubby would be happy and get what he wants as he’s always been pushing my mother to sell the house, and the 14 YR old is eager to move but the 10 and 16 YR olds don’t want to and she has her activities and her friends here( although if he’s out of work or in-between jobs for too long there won’t even be any $$$$ for their activities anymore,anyway) and my mother doesn’t want to move since her doctor and pharmacy are all here and she likes to be able to walk into town, and as for me I like the idea of moving and finally getting out of this shithole redneck town that I’ve always hated but I don’t like the actual reality of moving; all the stress, frustration, worry, effort, packing,hassle, uncertainty, and expense of it all. Yet, it’s also an adventure,too,and every now and then you do need a change and to shake things up and it appeals to my Gypsy restless spirit,and it is kind of fun to look at houses and pick one out, but in actual fact I really don’t know how we’re going to afford it and don’t really think we’ll be able to find anything anywhere else in our price range.

As for no job, he’s going to a job fair in Toronto next week but he’s worried at his age no one will hire him as in the tech world they tend to hire younger people, not guys in their 50’s although he does have lots of experience…and if he’s lucky hopefully the same company will find a spot for him elsewhere in the company but they said no one will be working remotely( from home like he does) anymore so we still might have to move closer to the city anyway regardless(unless he just does and the rest of us still stay here?) but even so it would probably still be a good 6 months or so as it takes alot of time to sell this house, find another one and co-ordinate everything. If he gets a job elsewhere then we could be moving anywhere, wherever the job is and when the kids heard they’re transferring it all over to India the 14 YR old staunchly declared, I’m NOT moving to India! but I think it would be exotic and an incredible adventure and opportunity for the kids though and at least over there we could afford it as expenses would be so much less.I actually think it would be kind of exciting….and I could find Butter chicken anywhere! 🙂

As for my meds I also decided I will try and apply for disability benefits like Patti has as that way I can get my medications covered and it will be mine, no matter what happens with my hubby or his job or where I live or if we split up or I live on my own or ever re-marry. I will always have the coverage I need regardless. It also may be the first step towards some independence for me and a start to my new life and fresh start. Who knows what God has in store and what His plans are? In any case, I am secure in knowing He won’t abandon us and has always taken care of us and He will see us safely thru this crisis as well and that gives me comfort and reassurance even though everything is so uncertain,stressful, and worrisome right now. I’d have to pick up the forms somewhere (I don’t even have any idea where to get them but Patti does) and fill them out and have my doctor fill out part confirming my diagnosis(Asperger’s, depression, bipolar, social phobia) and the medications I need(incl. high BP, migraines, depression, etc. I can’t just stop taking) and then I mail it off and someone will contact me…holy shit this is all just so much, too much,but maybe I can even die soon and not even have to worry about it and then they can also have my life insurance $$$$ to pay for the moving expenses,too…I only wish….

As well, Patti says the vet said her dog does appear to be prego afterall ( I knew Buddy had what it takes!) but she’ll be getting an X-ray( that costs 350$, holy shit!) on the 31st to see for sure and to find out how many puppies. It would sort have served Patti right though after how she treated me if there weren’t any puppies though. Oh, well. At least Buddy got laid. The girls and my hubby were also being mean to him and just absolutely destroyed him and hurt his feelings and made him make this most saddest, pathetic, sorrowful face ever too when they insulted him calling him a old grey rotten thing and his face just dropped and he looked shattered and demoralized and slunk down and waddled over to me for comfort, spirit crushed and just deflated. Poor boy.


The Storm.

screen-shot-03-02-17-at-07-56-am Just last week  it was impressed on my heart that A storm will be coming, but God will not abandon you.He will be with you like always and you will get thru it. At the time it made me a bit nervous, thinking it must be warning that something bad was going to happen soon but then soon forgot all about it.

Until last night.

Last night the 13 YR old had fainted, so went to the ER and much to our surprise we found out for-get this- the past few years– she’s been anorexic and bulimic and the self-harming is back again,too! They ran tests incl. bloodwork to check her potassium and electrolyte levels and kidney and liver function,and took a urine sample, monitored her BP, and did a EKG,and thankfully everything was ok but needless to say we were beyond devastated. She got a referral to get in right away to see a pediatric psychiatrist in the city. Referrals usually take months but this is serious and some things just can’t wait so they’re able to get her seen right away.A small blessing. Acyually, a huge one!

screen-shot-03-02-17-at-06-41-pm This just breaks my heart. I know it will be a long, hard journey as eating disorders , like depression, tend to be life-long and hard to treat,  but I’m hoping that will therapy, counselling, and medication that she can at least be stabilized and feel better and yet also I know that God will see us thru this crisis and uphold and strengthen us just like He has for all of our many numerous other ones we’ve had to endure, but right now I’m just so spent. I just really broke, and I broke hard. This is  very distressing, hit us unexpected out of nowhere, and I’m having a hard time processing it. I’m just still trying to function on a few HRS sleep and with a stress level so high my ulcer pain is back again, and I feel cold and sick with anxiety, worry,and fear, just numb and devastated that I almost passed out!.

It hurts me that she’s hurting so much,and also that we never noticed a thing and never saw anything( so then weren’t aware and able to help her) but they did say that get very “good at hiding” and “sneaky” so that no one can tell, and why DO we have so much shit in our family, so many trials, tragedies, struggles, so much mental illness…why are we always so f*cked up? I feel guilty too because there are alot of nuts on my family tree , and it appears depression ,anxiety,and bipolar have some genetic component .I really don’t know how much more of this I can take. I am on the brink, but, like swimming or surfing in the ocean, just take it one wave at a time, and like The Beatles said, All things must pass.

No matter what the trial  I always have the comfort of knowing that God either takes you out of it, or helps you thru it.