10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Occult Symbols.

Screen Shot 10-15-17 at 07.22 PM The 16 YR old baked cookies with an occult symbol on them( seen here) even though she knows nothing occult is allowed in the house out of respect for God as this is a Christian home and the Bible says you have to choose to follow God or Satan; you can’t follow both, and we are also told to avoid everything to do with the occult, incl. Hallowe’en (Satan’s Day) and any occult symbols such as the Jack ‘O Lantern yet she continues to defy me and she also had this glittery Jack ‘O Lantern occult decoration in her room as well and she said was for a friend, for her birthday( yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before, as in, My friend needs advice,  or I’m just holding them  for a friend… yeah…..right…) so I told her in that case then to just put it in a bag and hide it away somewhere until her birthday and then give it to her but we are not to display any thing occult or have any occult symbols in this house, and if they do then I will get rid of them,and she was really mouthy, snotty, and talking back, being really defiant and disrespectful, and saying she’ll “throw out Jesus” then, etc. and snarking that it’s just my rule, no one else cares….what, so if it’s just me then it’s just to be ignored, defied,disobeyed, dismissed, who cares? I don’t think so, you little brat, and I told her if she brings in any more occult things I’m taking her phone away. I’m really tired of her and her attitude and one thing I will not tolerate is blasphemy.

I don’t think they realize(or care) how symbols have great significance and meaning, how powerful they are, what they represent, and why it’s so important to keep our home free from any occult influences. Think about the Swastika, for example, or the Confederate or the ISIS flags; what comes to mind when you see them? They symbolize something; something bad, not something you’d be proud to be associated with or would want to proudly display in your home. It’s the same way with the occult. It’s like inviting demons into your home! We don’t have many rules and this isn’t asking too much and as long as they live here, they obey the rules. The kids have broken me and beaten me down now to the point where I’ve all but given up and I have no authority, say,respect, and they just laugh in my face and ignore me and just do whatever they want while mocking me, but this is something that I will never back down on; when it comes to spiritual matters; I will not allow them to disrespect God or to bring the occult into our home.They will never take my faith from me.

The 22 YR old also kept coming into my room during the night trying to kidnap Buddy and I kept waking up so I didn’t sleep well (he’s just sooooo annoying) and my mother announced we will be moving next summer and she wants to get a bungalow as she can’t go up and down the stairs,and I have a hard time,too, but I hate bungalows, but hopefully I’ll be dead by then anyway and I won’t have to worry about it, and I should get my biopsy results this week,too, and she said they only call if something shows up so no news is good news and if they call then you know they found something. The main reason my mother and hubby said they want to move(as well as downsizing now we have less kids at home) is also to force the 22 YR old out to get his own place as he’s still living here at home and refuses to leave but when we move he has to move out, which I think is a mean tactic, but that’s what Patti also did to get her son to move out,too; she  just moved.

The leaking roof is even worse now as well and now I can see it leaking in 3 spots and we had alot of rain and now it’s soaked the towels we put on the floor to absorb the water, and the heavy rain and 100 km winds were really bad but luckily it was while I was at church and in-between when I had to walk there and back so it wasn’t raining while I was walking, and I know that was God looking out for me. Others would deny it and say it was just coincidence or just luck but I know better. I have faith and I know He answers prayer and cares about His faithful people. I know He cares about me and takes care of me and watches over me and that He loves me even when no one else does and that He must see something in me no one else does because even though my family makes me feel unlovable I still matter to God. I also have this suspicious feeling that the kids don’t really go to church Sunday mornings either but probably just walk over to Tim Horton’s or something and hang out there instead and just say they went to church. Someday I should go over there and spy on them just to have the satisfaction of catching them in the act…. I’d just love to see the look on their faces…..

 

Satan’s Day.

Due to it’s occult nature we don’t celebrate “Satan’s Day” (Hallowe’en). It’s not uncommon among true Christians, once they realize the true meaning of it to not celebrate it. Muslims also don’t for the same reason. In the Bible we are commanded to avoid anything to do with the occult(such as ouija boards, seances, tarot cards, mediums, fortune tellers, psychics,spells and curses, witchcraft, Satanism,horoscopes, etc.), and this most certainly incl. the most demonic day of the YR, the “holiest” day for Satanists, Wiccans,pagans, etc. and also the day the “veil” between here and the spirit world is thinnest and it’s easier for demons to be summoned to come over.(Why do you think the Catholic Church has All Saints Day just the day after on 1 November? To counter-act the evil from the day before!) It’s basically like celebrating Satan’s birthday party and lately has so much publicity ,consumerism, and popularity almost as much as Christmas! Satan is deceptive and disguises it as “harmless fun” and “everyone is doing it….” It’s banned in our home as we follow and worship God, NOT Satan and the demons, and we don’t glorify Satan, witchcraft,and the occult in any way, shape, or form….even if everyone else is doing it (whether they realize it or not.)

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I can’t wait for this evil day to finally be over and then I won’t have to keep hearing about it for another YR! I’m just soooo sick of seeing it and hearing about it everywhere I go and all over the Internet.

NOT everyone celebrates it!!!

Occult Cookies.

screen-shot-09-13-16-at-04-28-pm After I had gone to bed for the night one of the kids had made cookies with an occult symbol on them; the Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) symbol seen here. Now they very well know my feelings on this, that nothing occult is allowed into the house, as the Bible forbids us to have anything to do with the occult, be it obvious or subtle. Of course they all denied it, said they didn’t know anything about it, said they never did it, or blamed someone else, but someone obviously made them, they didn’t bake themselves or just appear out of nowhere. It’s bad enough that they disrespect God and defy me, but then to lie about it, too, right to my face?

I suspect it was the 15 YR old as she’s the one who likes to bake and is the one who bakes cookies, so she’s the most likely suspect. When I asked her she blamed the 21 YR old and although he does like to torment me with occult things he doesn’t bake! She was also very mouthy over it and giving me attitude and even said, “I don’t care about God!” and then when I told her she’d better watch her mouth and her attitude she huffed, “But I’m pretty!”  and I told her, “You’re  not as pretty as you think you are and not pretty enough to get away with an attitude like that!” She really needs to be humbled, and needs an attitude check, and to make things even worse my mother told me that she knows who did it,too, but refuses to tell me, clucking, “I’m not a snitch!”…..but she thinks that helping them cover it up and enabling them to get away with disobedience,blasphemy, disrespecting God and me, and lying is ok?  and my hubby was taunting me over it as well and they all think I’m “being ridiculous” and don’t respect my beliefs; I  never have any support, never have any back-up, never have anyone on my side, I’m always all on my own.

They try to downplay it as well, saying, “It’s just a cookie!” but it’s  not just a cookie, it’s what’s on the cookie, the symbol and what it represents, the meaning behind it. It would be like giving a cookie with a swastika on it to a Jew and saying, “It’s just a cookie, never mind the symbol on it!” It’s what it represents and supports, and symbols have meanings, and a Jack’O’ Lantern is a symbol of “Satan’s Day”, it might as well be a pentagram or an upside-down cross; they are both symbols of something sinister, evil, occult,and that glorify and celebrate Satan, and they know what God says about it in the Bible, and how I feel about it, that it’s forbidden in our house, yet they have no respect and I just feel so defeated and they keep goading me and  pushing me away and then I, in turn, withdraw into myself even more, distancing myself, building a wall of defence, trying to safeguard my heart from any further hurt.My family sucks.

As well, Buddy seemed to have been sick earlier; he wasn’t eating and he was sleeping alot but he seems better now; I was really worried; if he died I would be really lost; he’s my best friend and constant companion and the only one that loves me as well as the only light and joy in my life, and tanning on the pool deck as I flipped over to the other side I fell part-way into the pool,too, and they lied; the pool cover doesn’t support the weight of an elephant, but I caught myself before I fell all the way in but I hurt my leg and now I have this huge  “goose-egg” bump on my leg but it’s not bruised so I wonder if it’s a blood clot, or something?It hurts,too!

I also found a hard jelly-bean sized lump in the underneath part of my left boob but I’m not going to mention it to my doctor or have it checked out in case it is cancer as I won’t be getting it treated anyway so what’s the point; I’d just let it take it’s natural course, and I saw on the news even to just rent an apartment in Toronto now costs on average between 4000$- 5000$ a month and even a lousy basement  apt. costs over 2000$! Holy shit! Who the hell could possibly afford that? I wish I could move back to the city but we just don’t have the $$$$.

Blood Work.

Bloodwork I went to the lab and had my blood work done and I had to go twice in the same day: at 7:50 am and then again at 2:40 pm to have my aldosterone and renin levels checked at different times of the day.In the morning they took 4 vials and in the afternoon only one. In the morning it was cold: only 4 C and I had to wear my heavy sweater and wool hat, but for the afternoon app’t it was really warm( unusual for December!) a balmy 14 C and I just wore my pilot bomber jacket!

Patti also bragged on her Facebook that a friend of hers is taking her to see Phantom Of The Opera and that they have 600$ each balcony seats and staying overnight at a hotel, knowing that I wanted to go but can’t afford it, and  to make it even worse is I know she’s just using the guy too because she told me before that  he likes her more than a friend but that she only likes him as a friend but goes out with him anyway as she still gets to go places for free, but it’s not nice because she’s just leading him on and giving him the wrong message and using him. She also talks behind her friends backs to other friends so I can only imagine now that she’s talking about me,too…

It also “gets” me that the family is bending over backwards to accommodate the 17 YR old in HIS depression and suicide attempt( and I completely understand that) such as re-arranging all the kids around( eg. doubling- up the 12 and 14 YR olds so they have to share a room now)so he can have his own bedroom…yet they NEVER have for ME with MINE, but rather blame me and hate me for MY depression and other limitations and treat me like I’M just a burden with mine, so what gives? Why the difference? Why do they go thru such efforts and lengths to help him with his  and go out of their way yet condemn me for mine? WTF?

As well,my hubby told me that he never got me a Christmas gift using the excuse I “never told him what I want” which is bullshit when he KNOWS I love hippos and all he has to do is to find hippo stuff and he knows I’d like it, and he also hissed that I’m “terrible”, “rude”, “inconsiderate”, etc. and I told HIM that HE’S always critical and belittling, and it’s sad that going off to my room and lighting up a joint is my only escape from my  family and I face a hidden darkness and pain that threatens to pull me under, and he also snickered that Christmas is a “pagan” holiday as it used to be a pagan Roman holiday but it’s now been reclaimed for God,and sneered that Hallowe’en (Satan’s Day) is “more ‘Christian'” than Christmas is even though it’s STILL the most “holy” day for Satanists and the holy day is the day AFTER, All Saint’s Day, and he scoffs that the church is “full of hypocrites”, always poking fun of and insulting religion and God and anything that’s important to me and that I value.

We used to do the Elf On The Shelf for the Christmas season as well for a couple of YRS but last YR I kept forgetting to hide him in a different spot each day and he’d stay in the same spot for days and the kids kept on forgetting to bother to look for the little bugger every day,too( and Buddy tried to eat him as well) so we didn’t do it at all this YR.

Attack On Ottawa.

ParliamentHillAttack As I’m sure you’ve heard by now (it’s all over the news) Ottawa has had what appears to be a terrorist attack. A soldier guarding the War Memorial was shot at point-blank range and killed and then the gunman hijacked a car and went into the Parliament (gov’t) buildings and started shooting until he was eventually killed and there are reports that there were 2 or 3 gunmen; still uncertain and the entire downtown was put into lockdown and many of my old friends( who still live and work there, many of whom work for the gov’t) were in lockdown in their offices. One friend said he was at the War Memorial just minutes before the soldier was shot and he saw the ambulance with police escort go racing by and those in lockdown for HRS had no access to TV to be updated on news reports to what was happening and just relied on those of us( like me) on the outside to keep in touch with them and update them thru Facebook, Twitter, or texts. That’s some scary shit and I lived there for some 18 YRS,myself ,too! No one is immune to terrorism though and it can happen anywhere( witnesses say the shooters were wearing all black, and black and white scarves that covered their heads and faces, Jihadi-style) and just 2 days prior 2 soldiers were targeted and run over by a car( one was killed) in an attack by a home-grown radical, so it would seem here they are targeting military who are wearing their uniforms in public as well as gov’t officials rather than civilians. Military personnel have since been cautioned to not wear their uniforms out in public.

One thing I hope DOESN’T happen as a result though is that society gives in to panic, paranoia,and fear and that we don’t allow incidences like these to keep us from going out and living our ordinary lives or allow the authorities to curtail and limit our personal rights and freedoms in “exchange” for tighter security and have even more of a Police State in return, otherwise the terrorists win. Everyone seems so shocked and surprised if could happen here though but I’m really not and sort of expected it eventually given what Canada did during the war in Afghanistan and now it’s payback time; it’s coming back to them; you can’t engage in war and go over to other countries and pillage, rape and kill and not expect retaliation. I also hope there won’t be a backlash  against Muslims and increased Islamophobia because it’s not right to blame an entire religion or group of people due to some radicals.They even cancelled the kids’ Air Cadets this week too due to it and all military bases in the country were locked down and hopefully this will be a lesson as well to get better security on Parliament Hill; I mean, it just seemed too easy for someone to walk right in there with a gun and start shooting! I really would have thought they’d have had better security than that! Another good compelling reason for me to move to the Caribbean,too; whoever heard of a terrorist attack there?

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As well, my hubby left the side door open and Buddy ran out into the driveway and I was frantic and ran after him with an anguished scream but luckily he did come back when I called him( thank God!), the 13 YR old’s a vegetarian now as the idea of eating meat( dead animal carcass) is “gross”, my hubby was walking by the bathroom as I was sitting on the toilet and he decides to peek in….right at the exact moment I pulled out a bloody tampon and he started gagging and ran out of there fast like a bat out of hell( ha,ha!) and my mother almost made me choke on my chicken burger laughing when she referred to “Satan’s Day” as “F*ck-O-Ween” and my hubby said we go to a great church as it lets us do all sorts of bad things like smoke, drink, gamble, and celebrate Hallowe’en but I told him it SHOULD know BETTER and *I* still don’t; I follow the Bible, not man, and that’s one of the problems I’ve always had with the Church, that it DOES allow sin the Bible clearly condemns and forbids.

Robin Williams.

Alone I was shocked and saddened to hear about the tragic suicide of Robin Williams. Reports say he’d hung himself with a belt attached to a door and that he’d been battling depression for most of his life and had just come out of rehab last month and another report said that he had Bi-Polar Disorder as well. Poor guy. I hope that he finally found the peace that eluded him,and it just goes to show that even being talented, rich, famous, and beloved that you’re still not necessarily happy; he was still a dark, tormented, tortured soul, and he was past the point of no return. The Black Dog of depression can strike anyone; no one is immune and when your soul is empty nothing can fix it. It bothers me as well to hear people judge and say that suicide is “selfish” when really it’s just desperation, hopelessness,and despair. I have been there myself; I tried to kill myself 3 times and have been on the verge of it several other times. Things just keep on piling up and up until it just gets to be too much, more than you can handle until you just can’t cope anymore and you begin to crack.Things look hopeless, like they’re never going to change or get better and there doesn’t seem to be any escape or any way out and you just want the pain to stop and in my case at least I thought that by removing myself from the equation I’d be doing everyone a favour; that they’d be better off without me and would be glad with me gone. I’ve struggled with it ever since I was 13 and I still do, every day but Prozac has changed my life but I know it’s going to be a life-long battle. When I first read about Robin’s suicide online I had to re-read it twice, to make sure I was really seeing what I thought I’d read and then I wailed out loud, “Nooooooo!” I’ve always liked him. I can sympathize with his demons though and unless you’ve been there yourself you’ll never truly understand or ever really know what it’s like; it’s like you’re stuck down in this big, deep, dark pit that you just can’t crawl out of.

 As for us, my hubby and 2 of the kids are away for 2 days up North ( a 4-5 HR drive) with a client for our home business, and my hubby just took the 7 YR old to Pizza Hut for lunch before they left saying since he didn’t get to go to Bible Camp and the others did even though it’s his own fault because he doesn’t behave; he can’t hit, pinch, kick,bite, and tell the other kids there to die, etc. like he does with his siblings; you can’t behave like that, and by bringing him out for a special treat how will he ever learn to behave or that there’s consequences for his bad behaviour if he REWARDS him for it? When I mentioned how hockey’s redneck as well he said, “It’s Canadian” and I replied, “Like I said, it’s redneck!” and he said if one of our boys played professional and made lots of $$$$ I’d “change my tune” and I told him it still wouldn’t make any difference; I still wouldn’t watch and it’s still redneck; it still doesn’t “change” what is IS!

 My hubby also infuriated me by condoning and defending Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) by saying it’s a “Christian” holiday and a “holy” day when really a Satanic holiday and the holiest day for Satanists but he’s a godless heathen who doesn’t care about God, religion, or church anyway and is always insulting it, and the kids told me he doesn’t like it when I wear make-up,either, even though I rarely do, just once a week when I dress up for church, but I didn’t ask him what he thinks, don’t need his “permission”, don’t do it for him,and don’t care what he thinks, anyway, and I saw on the news as well in this country we pay MORE taxes than we do on the necessities of life( food, clothing, shelter,etc.) proving once again that Canada SUCKS! I hate this place so much! If only I had the $$$$ to move!