10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Nails And Neuro.

Screenshot_877 I saw The neurologist and while I was in Kingston I also went to the nail salon and got my nails done, as seen here and to the mall and spent the day of it. I got a French manicure and it always feels so weird having a stranger holding my hands and touching my nails I can literally feel myself tensing up and clenching, but I got thru it and it turned out really nice. I may be ugly, but at least now I have pretty nails. In the mall I also saw these funny socks that said f*cking asshole on them and it made me laugh out loud and when I came out I said to my hubby who was waiting outside, I just found the perfect pair of socks for you! I was gone all day and poor Buddy missed me so much he spent all day sulking under the couch and didn’t eat all day or come out until I came back.

The neurologist is concerned about my hallucinations which just began this summer and doesn’t think it would be due to my white matter decline unless it’s gotten really severe, and wonders if I might have brain inflammation or it’s just caused by extreme and chronic stress otherwise but he’s ordering an MRI(takes about 1-2 months to book) to take a look as well as to see if there’s any changes in the deterioration in the white matter; if it’s the same or worse than it was last year.I was surprised when he said hallucinations can be caused by extreme stress. I never knew that. Really?  Stress is my life. He asked me if there’s any possible way to lower stress in my life and I told him short of running away from home and moving to a distant far away country, no. He said as well that it’s really mean my family plays mind games with me and takes advantage of my forgetfulness.  He also had lots of bloodwork done; they took 6 vials!

 

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On the way home I also took this cool photo of the setting sun. The 24 YR old always complains as well he doesn’t get enough food even though we spend 600$ a week on groceries, but he eats so much we can’t afford to feed him; he can eat 5 sandwiches for lunch, for example, or an entire pizza, but we don’t have enough, otherwise there won’t be enough for everyone, so we have to ration food to one serving or piece each so there’s enough to go around and I told him if he wants more he either has to get a job and buy his own extra food with his own $$$ or have a garden and grow his own food.It’s not fair that he eats everything and there’s none left for anyone else.

The Last.

Screenshot_749 Yesterday might have ended up being the last day, the last time, before I possibly hear life-changing news. My doctor’s office called and said that today my doctor himself is going to call me to discuss my scan results even though it’s only been 2 days and he wasn’t even supposed to get the results until next week, worrying me that they must have found something really bad, rushing the results to my doctor and his office contacting me, this early. Plus, the last time I got a phonecall like this from him regarding scan results I ended up having to get a colonoscopy(imagine a garden hose up your ass) and they found the polyp in my colon that was bleeding profusely….and if the results were just normal, the secretary would have just told me that yesterday when she called.

So now all these thoughts are running thru my head: what exactly did they find? What showed up on the scan with the cyst on my ovary? What did they see? How big has that thing gotten? Do they think it looks like cancer now, or what? Has it spread?  Is that something along the lines of what he’s going to tell me later today and what I have to brace myself for and prepare for; that I might even have cancer or something and he’s calling me to alert me of this concern and sending me off for further testing, such as to a specialist, or for a biopsy or even surgery to remove it? That’s what I’m kind of expecting, esp. with it being so soon, so sudden,and seeming so urgent.

So, then the thought occured to me, that maybe yesterday was my Last Day. My last day of a normal life. My last day before I find out I have cancer. The last day of living my life as it is now. The last day before my life is changed forever. The last day before a life-altering diagnosis. The last day of normal everyday life. The last day before bad news. The last day before yet another crisis to befall our family, the last day I have any semblance of a so-called “normal” life, the last day before I know, before I find out, before everything changes, before shock, fear and uncertaintly creep in, but regardless, nothing else has really changed; even if I do have cancer, for example, it’s always been there; it didn’t just appear when it showed up on the scan; that was just the day it was discovered, but it’s been there for awhile, and I’ve had abdomenal pain and bleeding issues for at least the past year now,anyway, but my doctor refused to refer me to a gyno despite my pleas.

At least once the cause of the pain is found, dealt with and removed hopefully it will finally relieve my pain…and maybe now I’ll finally get that referral! I kept telling him for months and months that something was wrong, with the abdomenal pain, the heavy painful periods and bleeding in-between and he just passed it off as woman things and just part of being a woman and something I just have to live with even though I know something’s wrong and it’s not normal and even now I’ve been in menopause for 4 months I still have the pain, and the bloating, cramping,  bad fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, etc. and I even read somewhere that ovarian cancer can be wrongly diagnosed as IBS, esp. since the symptoms can mimic other things, don’t appear until later,and it’s often not diagnosed until the advanced stages…..

Just in case it was my Last Day of “normality” yesterday before my life changes forever and the last time before Big News, at least I was able to fully savour, enjoy and capture the moment. I felt the sun on my face as I was outside walking the dog. I enjoyed eating a chocolate bar, I celebrated Ganja Liberation Day accordingly, loved on my dog, listened to some great music,watched a good TV show, and captured the moment, just in case. My abdomenal and back pain has been worse for the past few days,too, and the best way to describe the abdomenal pain is sometimes it feels really crampy, like bad period cramps or early labour, and other times it’s a gnawing pain, and other times it feels like bad constipation pain or like when you were a kid and had a bad tummyache or when the waistband of your pants was too tight and your stomach hurt. The back pain is like in labour and feels like there’s something hard pressing on it, like when you can feel the baby’s head pressing against the bottom of your spine.

The good news is though that I haven’t had a hallucination in a few weeks…..or at least not that I’m aware of,anyway,and today one of the kids also turns 24! Happy Birthday!

Our Thanksgiving.

Screenshot_613 Yesterday we had Thanksgiving. What I’m most thankful for is Buddy; that God gave him to me so that someone still does  love me when no one else would (or could) love me, and for my strong faith, even if I struggle personally and have a crisis of faith or have doubts it’s in myself and in my own abilities and strengths; never in God’s, and it’s only because of Him and His provisions, protection, guidance, warnings,blessings,love,and wisdom that I have the endurance I’ve had in order to still be here, despite always struggling to find joy and purpose in life.

Screenshot_616 This is but a small sample of our big Thanksgiving feast we had for dinner. Besides us we also had my father-in-law over.  We had something like 6 turkeys, 5 hams, 6 pumpkin pies( my FAVE!!!!) 2 kinds of veggie, 2 kinds of potatoes, buns, stuffing, etc. It was a feast fit for a king! I heard the kids talking as well how “small” our family is now, now there’s only 4 of them left at home with all of the others having moved out or away(and too far to be able to just visit for a weekend), either at school(and the 2 away at school either phoned or live-video chatted to us back home for today,too, and the 19 YR old had her Thanksgiving and dinner with her BF and his family, so she wasn’t alone) and how it feels so weird now. and how now there’s so much room around the table! and We’re not all squished in now!  and remember when all the kids all lived here at the same time? but they sounded like they were being nostalgic though, like they missed it, like I do, longing for the Old Days, missing their siblings and fondly remembering their childhood and it made me smile.

The 23 YR old was sadly sick with a cold up in bed in his room all day so he missed dinner and I’d mentioned to my mother how without him at the table( as both him and my hubby when they both get together are really  trouble!) it’s not as likely they’ll act like such losers…. and then, just then as I said that….

A dinner roll comes sailing past from the dining room into the kitchen.

Ok, nevermind.

Today’s also supposed to get up to 27 C with a humidex of 35 C and the same tomorrow ( so definitely OUTSIDE DAYS!) and then cool back down to 13 C and stay there, at the average , and for the past few days I’ve had increasing belly pain too ,and swollen and distended stomach above belly-button area and now it even hangs over like a big ‘ol beer gut! I swear to God, I kid you not ,and not sure if it was my stomach ulcer or my liver, both I’ve had recurring issues with but I think it’s my liver as now the pain has also gone down along the right side too, along the path of the liver…and when it’s my ulcer it gives me a bit of relief after I eat but with this there’s no difference, and, actually feels worse around an hour after I ate.

I got an answer as well to my prayer about revealing the truth regarding a serious accusation against me I can’t remember and am unsure if it’s because of my memory issues or because it never happened and the answer pressied on my heart as:  ———(the accuser) has a mental illness.Sometimes their mind gets ‘jumbled’ up, like yours does, and they can’t tell what’s real from what’s  just in their mind. There’s no malicious intent; they really do believe it but their mind is playing tricks on them, and the reason you don’t remember doing it is because you didn’t and it never happened.

Holy shit! I wonder though…. maybe? It might help to explain it, and why it doesn’t make sense, add up, and contradicts with my memory and the memory of a witness who was there at the time. If that’s true then that makes me feel better, knowing I didn’t do anything horrible like that, that I’m not such a terrible person I could do something so awful and then just forget all about it like it was nothing at all.I have nothing to feel guilty, horrible, ashamed and suicidal about because I didn’t actually do anything bad and nothing happened…..

….and yet….

….due to my own struggles with my own mind I still questioned it, had self doubts, wondered, Could it have been possibleAm I really this horrible person only I just don’t know it? No wonder everyone hates me. Am I capable of this?  and doubting my own mind, my own memories, my own realities, my own perception, my own reasoning, everythingI am a crazy person, afterall, so anything is possible I guess…. even though I knew in my heart that wasn’t me, that’s not who I am, and I knew there’s no way I would have or could have done those things, and I feel like to cry even just thinking about it, and yet my own insecurities, self-doubts, lack of confidence, and struggles with sanity still  made me question the possibility, or at the very least my ability to correctly remember,process, or at least interpret it.

My mother also got mad at me and goes on this rant how I’m a Shop-a-holic and I love to over-spend and she goes on and on, when all I did was spend a whole 7.00$ at the Dollar Store to buy Buddy a dog toy. Wow….. a whole 7.00$! Come on….. is she serious? and then she goes on to berate me, saying I’m still the same as I was in Toronto and Ottawa ( when we used to have $$$$$$ which we don’t now) such as how I’d spend1-2 hundred $$ a week on clothes at the mall. She’s got to be kidding me.Really? We used to have $$$$ then. Now we don’t. I know the difference.

 

Self-Portrait.

hippos9 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

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The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced,can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.

 

Beothuk.

Screenshot_233  I can’t believe it’s Labour Day already, the end of summer! I was also thinking how it’s weird the odd things that we remember from the past, from our childhood, even things that don’t matter much to us in our daily lives or have much impact on us,and one of those things is the Beothuk Indians. I still remember learning about them in grade 7, the now extinct tribe from Newfoundland, and I remember first hearing the word, thinking, Beothuk? Wow…what a cool name! I love it! probably because thuk sounds like  someone with a speech impediment trying to say, F*ck. I also clearly remember in grade 3 when my friend D (who ended up 6 feet tall by the time she was 12 and was not surprisingly on the basketball team in highschool) sat on J’s leg and broke it and she had to hobble along on a walking cast and crutches for weeks, or the matching blue knit ponchos my Babushka made for my doll and I, doodling with markers all over my arms as a kid and getting into alot of trouble for it from my mother,eating the bottom of the pointed ice cream cone first and sucking all the ice cream out that way(my mother hated), crushing tin cans on the bottoms of my feet and clomping along with them on my feet like horsehoes(my mother absolutely loathed) laughing my ass off seeing a pickle stuck to a wall at McDonald’s, digging my toes in the clay in the bottom of the creek at the cottage when I was 4-5, learning to roller skate at the cemetary, etc. it’s just funny the things you remember, so random.

Screenshot_199 Look what I also found at the Ex last week! An Astro Pop! I haven’t seen or had one of these since the 80’s when I was a teen.I used to just be able to buy them at the corner store. I even oddly had a dream about one the night before I found this. I can’t believe I found it! It cost 5$ but what the hell. I deserve a treat every now and then and besides, it’s nostalgic! I enjoyed every lick of it and remembered it sticking to my teeth and savoured every single flavour and even saved it for one of my Weed Days so I could enjoy it even more when my senses are enhanced.

As well, I had that same hallucination again today,too: seeing that same hot guy walk by shirtless, tan, and with abs of steel. It must be a hallucination too as no guy can possibly be that fine, esp. not around here. I finally saw my neighbour L too and she said the fire trucks weren’t for her the other day but rather for next door; they were just parked in front of her place, and she told me her dog(he’s 12 like Buddy) had a dental infection and had all his teeth removed….and it cost a whopping 2000$! Shit! I wonder where she got that kind of $$$$ from or if she even had to take out a loan? I couldn’t even afford that for my own dental care, let alone for a dog, and, in fact, my mother only has a couple of teeth left; they’ve all rotted and fallen out but she doesn’t have a dental plan and doesn’t have the $$$$$ to pay for dental work.Luckily for my hubby, the kids,and I we have coverage from my hubby’s work that covers 80% of the cost, otherwise we’d be S.O.L. too.

Screenshot_241 This is also the new tie-dye skirt I got at the Ex. I keep looking for the past 4 years or so and I finally found it. Tie-dye shirts are easy enough to find but not the skirts or socks.I just love tie-dye. It’s one of my faves. I’m an old hippie! The one fabric and pattern I wouldn’t be caught dead in though is black lace or animal prints; so trashy and tacky! My anxiety’s been really bad lately as well it keeps me up late at night and I can’t sleep( I couldn’t fall asleep last night until Midnight) and my nails are chewed right down to stubs and I also had a feeling I’m going to die this week, the first week of September( unlesss it’s just wishful thinking, ha,ha) and so I asked a prayer to God to send me a specific sign if so: that I see something orange(as it’s not a colour you see too often), and that I see something orange in church yesterday(and my hubby wasn’t here to drive me and with the humidex it was 38 C and I had to walk), not incl. leaves which would be too easy now fall is near…..and I saw 2 guys walking by separately both wearing orange shirts….and then in church I saw another guy wearing an orange shirt and another guy with an orange hat!OK, then….

 

Raw And Real.

Screenshot_232 With my hubby and the girls away 4 days my mother, the 23 YR old,11 YR old and I and I ordered in KFC and pizza. This is the best pizza in the world (other than the thin-crust one I had in the wood oven at the trattoria in Rome; real Italian pizza!) from a local restaurant, the best Italian place around. It has chicken, mushrooms, feta, sun-dried tomatoes, onions, and hot peppers. Seriously, it is to die for. It could be my last meal and I’d die happy, with a full tummy,and a smile on my face. I’ve actually been looking forward to this for the past few days. I know, it doesn’t take much to get me excited. I could have even eaten the entire pizza.(but I didn’t.)

Buddy also caught a mouse! I saw him quickly jump off a chair he was napping on and dart into the bathroom and I was like, Buddy! What the hell? Are you ok? What’s going on?  and I wondered if maybe it was The Creature so I ran after him, following him,and saw he had cornered a mouse in the bathroom and he kept swiping at it with his front paws and batting it around, sort of like tossing a salad, and needless to say he killed it before I could stop him and he tried to eat it as well but I took it away before he could. I also had what I’m pretty sure must have been a hallucination: I was sitting outside on the front veranda and I saw this guy walk by and he was shirtless, wearing tight jeans and had the most buff, toned, amzing body ever, abs of steel, and he had such a deep tan….oh, God, he was gorgeous! I couldn’t stop staring. I may be old but I’m not dead yet.

I noticed as well in my years of experience blogging that other than the 2 or so blogs I read that are honest and real mostly others(and on Facebook too or any social media for that matter) are not so transparent but rather portray themselves as happy, successful people with happy perfect families, posting photos of smiling happy kids and what appear to be happy couples when I bet you in reality most of the time that’s actually far from the actual truth and reality. At least with this blog here, with mine, it’s raw and real. I keep it open, honest, transparent, and tell it the way it is, warts and all.

I am honest and up front about my struggles with mental illness, unhappy marriage, family issues, kids’ disrespectful way they treat me, my toxic family, the traumas in my life,my suicide attempts, my weaknesses, failures, etc. It’s not phony or falslely presented to try and make me or my family look better, happier, nicer, holier, more “perfect”, all “together”, cleaner, politer, etc. than we really are; I lay it all out bare. Of course there still are a few very private and intimate things that don’t get posted here, some that even my own hubby and kids don’t even know, but for the most part what you see is what you get and it may not all be pretty, but I present a real glimpse into what our lives are really like; gritty, messy, full of strife, crisis, stress, etc. It may not be pretty, but if you want an honest look at our life, this is it.

An example would be just a few minutes ago the 11 YR old screamed at me, Go kill yourself! and the other day just before they left the 17 YR old was being her usual mouthy disrespectful self and mouthing-off to me and my hubby said , You shouldn’t talk to your mother like that! which really startled me as he never says that; he never tells the kids to show me respect or reprimands them when they’re rude to me like he should, and, in fact, he joins in, and when I said, He’s right; you shouldn’t; it’s disrespectful and mean. and then the 2 of them laughed and said he was just joking. Yeah….I should have known. No wonder  they treat me the way they do; they copy how he treats me. He’s also my mother’s little toady,too: he always does whatever she says and he never stands up to her, defends me or tells her to stop over-stepping boundaries with our kids, most likely because she carries us most financially and he’s probably afraid if he says anything that she’ll make him contribute more so he does what she wants and defers to her and lets her be boss and she’s always used $$$$$ as power and control over people her entire life. Not too many people would likely post this, or even admit it, but with me it’s raw,and it’s real.