Seventeen.

Screenshot_797 I saw this recent issue of Seventeen magazine laying around the house, it obviously belongs to the 17 YR old and I picked it up and looked thru it as it brought back nostalgic memories for me as I used to read the exact same magazine when I was a teen,too! I can still remember my friend A and I in grade 10 reading them during lunch break, and we were even under-age,too; we weren’t even 17 yet! I used to like reading about the fashion and make-up and I was curious to see if much has changed since I used to read it back in the 1980’s. I was also glad to see that it’s still around. I wonder if they still even have the Tiger Beat fangirl magazines that I used to read when I was 12 and 13? I remember taking the posters of the hunks out and plastering them all over my bedroom wall.

I was surpsied how much smaller it is now compared to then; I remember it being twice as thick, although it was mostly all ads so I can’t say that I miss that, and I was surprised to see the cover as it looked like something right out of the 80’s with the model with her hair and clothes, it looks like an issue I could have read in 1983, with her hair styled the way it is, racoon-eyes  and thick eyebrows, and with the style of jeans, the checkered shirt and the pastel sweater and scarf, the same style we wore back then. It was like when I picked up the magazine I was transported back to my teen years again. It was pretty much the same as what I remembered, and it brought me back to that time and I can still remember when A and I would see a pair of shoes, for example,like the cool running shoes, and swoon over them wishing we could buy them here, or the funky clothes, but we never could as they weren’t ever available in this country, not even in Toronto, as we’re always lagging behind and I could only finally get them when I went to L.A. such as the funky multi shades of blue denim overalls with all the pockets and zippers, and,of course, the shoes!

I have to say it was nice seeing it again as it brought back happy memories of a good time. I can’t believe it’s been 35 years or so since then, time goes by so fast and I still feel the same as I did then; I haven’t changed much at all; I’m still the same person who likes the same things I did then(except for the weed thing) and I’m still the same young person on the inside that I always was,  and still with the same wicked sense of humour,you just can’t tell from the outside,and even though the outside is all broken and falling apart and my youth is gone now, my inside is still young and I still feel like a teenager in my mind even though my body tells me different.

As well, the second-oldest has only been living in Vancouver for 2 months now and someone already stole her bike and yet she lived in Windsor all during university, 3 YRS working in Japan and a few YRS living in Toronto and it never got stolen….I guess it’s true then what the stats say, about Vancouver having the highest crime rate in the country, which I have to say surprised me as I would have thought it was Toronto or Montreal. The 19 YR old(who’s studying journalism) also is now managing editor of her campus newspaper, and the 11 YR old is preparing for his Confirmation next spring.

I Remember.

Screenshot_675 I came across these old photos of my from school and it brought back memories from that time. I can’t remember why I walked into a room, or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I still can remember when I was in grade 1, pictured on the left, and why my hair was so short: because I had it long, put up in 2 ponytails on each side and I played “barber” one day and cut them both off…..unevenly…..and my mother had to rush me to the salon for an emergency very short haircut. In the photo on the right I was in grade 2 and it was the time that I stuck my tongue to a frigid cold metal pole in winter to see if it would stick because my mother said it would and I didn’t believe her. She was right. Do you also notice both outfits I’m wearing are purple? It has always been my fave. colour, even as a kid.

Screenshot_683 Here I am in grade 3. I can still remember how much I really loved that dress I was wearing. This is also probably really only the cutest photo I have of myself, the only photo where I didn’t end up looking like a goofy kid. I discovered early as a kid if you want people to like you that you either have to be cute or funny and since I was never cute I tried to be funny by cultivating a sense of humour and making people laugh.

Screenshot_676 In grades 3 and 4. In the grade 3 photo I was wearing my mouse pin. I still remember that; it was one of my faves and actually came in a set of 2. There was a bigger mouse and a smaller one and they were both the Mother of pearl, irridescent reflection. In the dress I’m wearing in the grade 4 photo my Babushka made it for me. I’d wanted one of the Pioneer dresses that were the fashion of the day in the 70’s but my mother said they looked like rags and people would think I looked poor so I never got one of those but Babushka sewed me this long green one with the little flowers instead. It went all the way down to the floor and made me feel glamourous, like a movie star and I wore it on special occasions like my birthday, to a party, or for school photos.

Screenshot_677 The best year of all: grade 5. It was just a “magical” year of fun, friends, happiness, an overall fun, happy time I wish I could freeze a moment in time and just stay there forever. It was the best time of my life.

Screenshot_681 Grade 6. It was when we moved into our old house in Toronto, the one that would forever be the place that would always feel the most like Home to me for the rest of my life and where I have the best memories. It was also the last year of life as I knew it. My happy childhood and idyllic life would soon be over.

Screenshot_678 Grades 7 and 8: Jr. High: the 2 worst years ever where I was mercilessly bullied and my life-long battle with depression was triggered.2 of the longest years of my life.

Screenshot_679 Highschool: grades 9, 10, and 11. Still homely, still waiting for a boy to show interest and ask me out, still liking guys that never liked me back, still dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, still hoping I’ll somehow “outgrow” it and become better looking but I never did. I stayed out of trouble and spent my time studying….and where did it get me? It just felt like it was all for nothing, all that hard work and for what?

Screenshot_680….and finally: grade 12! I graduated highschool and I was free! The last day of highschool I just felt so free. I imagine I’ll feel the same way when I die and am released from this physical body full of mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain, and be released back to God who made me.Then I can fly, and soar, and be free, only forever, and no more suffering ever again; no more bullying, no more self-loathing and no self-esteem, no more stress, anxieties, worries, fear, loneliness, longing, regret, sadness, loss, emptiness, pain or hurt ever again.JUST LOVE AND PEACE.

Me For A Day.

Screenshot_195 My hubby, the 11 YR old and I went to the CNE, or the Ex, in Toronto. We were gone over 12 hours and soooo much walking my legs, back,and feet are killing me and I’m soooo exhausted! I had a good day though! I always love going to the Ex and being back in Toronto again I come alive and it transforms me and I feel like the Old Me again. Just for one day I felt like Me again, the way I used to be. The Me that lived in the city , the Me that was happy, the Me that used to laugh and have fun. The Me before I broke. Every time I go back I get a little piece of that back again, even just for a little while and it just feels so good. I was Me for a day, just like old times and I felt so free and I was even sort of hoping that it would be the day that I die, so that I’d die in the city, the same place where I was born and grew up, and so I would die in a place I love and where I was happy. Lately I have this feeling I am dying very soon,too, that it’s coming  very close, but at least I got to enjoy one last summer and one last time at the Ex.

The weather was also forecasted to be 40 C with the humidex and thunderstorm and even though it was humid we just got a bit of rain, thank God. I was originally supposed to go last Thursday, when the weather was good for walking around the Ex; it was overcast and breezy, and then it got switched to a Saturday,and then bumped to this day as my hubby kept changing his mind and something for me is always last in priority. At one point he even indicated that he might not even have time to take me this year even though I hardly go anywhere and this is only once a year and I look forward to it all year. Going to the Ex and Christmas are my 2 fave. days of the year.

Screenshot_196

This is a photo of a gigantic garden gnome in the horticulture section I took. I also had fried gnocci for lunch and gyros for dinner. I watched 3 shows as well: one was a dance troupe from Cambodia, another dancers and acrobats from China, and another stunt people/martial artists that have been in Hollywood movies. I also finally found the tie-dye skirt I was looking for and 5-6 hippos to add to my collection! One of the vendors I got one of the hippos from even came all the way from South Africa to sell his wares at the Ex….and I thought we came a long way with our 2 hour drive! Buddy really missed me though being gone all day and he was sad, sulking and moping  around and hid under the couch all day.

On the way home my hubby started falling asleep driving, which is just as dangerous as driving impaired, so we stopped and pulled over at a truck stop in Port Hope and he napped for awhile before resuming the rest of our trip and I kept seeing lightening as well which neither he or the 11 YR old  said they saw, and they said was all in my head, and I know I do hallucinate and I know it’s worse when I’m tired but I really don’t think I was about this but it’s really embarrassing though when I hallucinate; I’m so sure that I saw or heard something and then only to find out that no one else did and it was all my imagination and then I feel really stupid and embarrassed….I know I did hallucinate for sure though on the way home on the highway when I “saw” silver, gold,and red lights beaming down from way up in the sky all the way down onto the highway below and they were “dancing” in the sky and it looked like the bright colourful laser show but I still do think the lightening was for real though.

The Ceiling.

ceiling1 We’ve had a leak in the ceiling in the second floor hallway for awhile now, coming down thru the ceiling fan/light, even when it’s not raining. At first I thought it must be the roof leaking, like we have in the kitchen but now it makes more sense it’s more likely coming from the third floor bathroom(probably the toilet, like what happened at our old house in Toronto and the entire kitchen ceiling came crashing down) just like the 15 YR old suspected. We’d had towels there to mop it up, not a pail to catch the drips as it covers such a wide spread area no bucket is big enough to cover the leaking area. The paint had also been peeling there from the wetness and it’s stained.

I noticed just today a square-shaped crack and said it looks like it’s going to come crashing down,and guess what….less than an hour later it did, right on top of my hubby as he had the ladder up there to disconnect the fan/light after he cut the power. The fan ,mud and debris from the ceiling rained down on him onto his back and arms but luckily not his head. He doesn’t even have any cuts or scrapes, he’s just dirty and smells like sewage and had to have a shower. The photo here shows the hole in the ceiling….

ceiling2 …and this one shows the mess that fell below on the floor. So now we have to call a plumber and whoever else to repair not only the leak( my hubby saw a hole in a rotting drain pipe) but also to fix the ceiling hole…..another expense we can’t afford. Something bad ALWAYS happens to us in May every year so I guess this year this is it; the expense of the plumbing and ceiling repair. My hubby thought it was losing his job last month, just a month early but I warned him, no, it wasn’t instead of; it was as well as; that something else was still coming in May…

As well, I saw the gastro doc that removed my colon polyp, for a 6 month follow-up and she said if the ulcer meds don’t heal up my presumed returned ulcer in 2 weeks she’ll do another scope to see what’s going on; if it’s returned or what else’s causing the pain,and she said my polyp was bleeding so much they had to put a clamp on it too when generally they just stitch it,and it puts me at a much higher risk for colon cancer as well so I have to have the colonoscopy re-done every 3 years. I still have that stabbing pain behind my left eye as well with my headache and explosive diarrhrea too that spews out with such explosive force it would rival that volcano in Hawaii. I also had a dream I was dying and my last words were, Look at them! They’re so beautiful! and my mother asked, What? What do you see? and I answered, Sunflowers! There are thousands of them! As far as I can see!

I wonder as well when you die and find yourself on the Other Side  if it’s like when you suddenly and abruptly awake up after an anesthetic after surgery, disoriented and unaware of where you are and are trying to get your bearings and find where you are , what time it is, what’s going on, where you exist in that time, etc. until you hear a reassuring voice, It’s ok, you’re in the hospital. You’re awake now in the recovery room. Your surgery went well  and then you remember where you were and why you were there, and then pain sears thru you and you realize it all, but at first you open up your eyes completely unaware of your surroundings and what’s going on, and how much time has passed.You’re only aware that you exist, but not in what context.

Last night I also woke up in bed during the night and I gazed out my bedroom window I could see at eye-level what appeared to be 2 bright stars, just 2, which is unusual as there’s normally more, and to have them so low, at eye’level from my bed,too, it made it feel like they were there just for me, twinkling, as if God was reassuring and reminding me, I’m here. I love you and care for you and am watching over you. and I just stared at them, mezmerized, in deep thoughtful prayer and contemplation, for what seemed like forever, and then I realized they weren’t really even stars afterall but rather just a light shining off the big tree in front of my window, bouncing off the window pane glass, reflecting in the moonlight, but it looked so convincing, so real, and maybe part of it was all just my imagination, but it was nice either way, whatever it was.It also goes to show how perception is everything and how your perspective can change even though the situation still remains the same.

It happened again a couple of other times during the day as well; I was outside and I thought I saw pussywillows on one of our tree branches, bringing back happy memories of my childhood when I used to pick them and bring them home and put them in a vase, and I haven’t seen them in years but I loved them as a kid, but it turned out at closer inspection it was really actually just unfurled baby leaves that were curled up so tight they looked like it, and from my window in the morning it looked like there were tiny little sunflowers all over the tree at the front which I knew was a hallucination and wasn’t real, for one thing sunflowers don’t grow on trees and it’s not the right season for them(I’m planting them in my garden this year BTW), and I hadn’t had any weed, so it wasn’t that…..it’s just me losing my mind, but it brought back happy memories and made me happy and smile so there’s nothing wrong with it and no harm was done.

I also had another happy childhood memory come back where I was at camp with 3 of my friends and we were spinning around on the big tire swing tied to the big old oak tree,trying to get shade ,relief from the beating down heat of the summer sun, trading our Charlie’s Angels cards, eating ice cream, and discussing the new Carrie movie,and I even remember what I was wearing,too: ponytails, a plaid Holly Hobbie blouse that I had undone the last 1-2 buttons from the bottom and tied up into a knot, the fashion of the day, white terrycloth shorts, knee-high socks,and my striped Adidas running shoes. I was so happy then. I wish I could get it back again. I wish I could be that girl on the swing.I enjoyed life. I wish I could feel like I did that day on the swing. I wish I could get that feeling back again. I miss her. I miss me. I miss living. I miss being happy.

I also saw this one, lone, withered, dried up leaf left on a tree branch where all the other new buds have appeared and are opening up, and it’s barely holding on, just clinging there by a thread, not letting go but almost there, with just a small breeze it will be carried off and be free , flying and floating off, and I feel like that leaf; just barely holding on, desperately clinging, ready to let go, just waiting for a strong breeze to lift me up and carry me away, for my opportunity to arrive, for my time to come when I can finally let go and in a whisper just be released and drift away.

The 15 YR old had a good birthday yesterday and I’m glad.One thing I also miss about the closeness we once shared but that has been lost now is that we both had a shared love of hippos. They were both of our fave. animals and I still love them but she doesn’t. Now she even says she hates them. I realize, of course, that people grow up, they change, and they don’t always like the same things they once did, but this was one of our shared special things, something we bonded over and now it’s gone,too,and it symbolizes a common shared interest that I’m now alone left with, and I feel almost “abandoned”, just like I do  ever since she’s pushed me away. It just broke my heart and was the critical point in breaking me(as well as when she broke herself,too; it just gutted me) and when she withdrew from me,shut me out, and stopped loving me  it caused me to just withdraw from life completely and just drop out and give up. That was the final shove that pushed me completely over the edge. I just love her so much and losing her just tore me apart.I still pray every single day that I get her back…..

 

 

Happy Daze.

Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 07.09 PM This makes me happy. Sunflowers always put a smile on my face and I was sad to see that the house on the way to church that always has the sunflowers every year is now empty with a Dumpster in the driveway so the people are gone and there won’t be any more sunflowers anymore for me to enjoy. My beauty’s been taken away. The 14 year old gleefully laughed and said it’s “karma” because she’s mean that way and likes to see me upset. That’s just how my family is; they’re toxic and delight in my misery, unhappiness,and suffering. Between the way they emotionally abuse and bully me, all my medical issues, having no love or support, and struggling financially, along with the brokenness and damage from a life filled with abuse, trauma, rejection, bullying, misery, tragedy, suffering, pain,and always feeling unloved, unworthy, worthless, and a failure with no hope for it ever getting any better or any way of escape I just can’t take it anymore or keep doing this.I just want out. I don’t feel like I’m giving up, but rather I know when I’ve had enough and I know when it’s time to let go.

I went to Confession yesterday and the priest was sympathetic and kind, and showed more care and compassion for me than my own family ever has. He said that suicidal feelings aren’t a sin and it’s understandable considering my situation where I feel frustrated and trapped and he said he wished there was more he could do for me so I asked him to pray for me and he said that he would. Yesterday was particularly bad as well as it pretty much summed up how toxic and shitty my family really is and how truly sick it really is how they seem to get “off” in tormenting and mocking me.

My hubby refuses to call Buddy by his name and only ever refers to him and addresses him as Dog and I just don’t get it and when I asked him to explain it to me he outright refused and stubbornly just stood there, glaring at me, and smirked, It’s on a need-to-know basis and you don’t need to know. What the f*ck? My mother also tried to kick him because he got into the garbage and was, well, just acting like a dog, and she said he’s a “nuisance” and just to be mean when she walked by she purposely stepped on his fave. toy causing it to emit a pitiful wail, just to upset him,and even threatened to leave the door open one day so that he’ll run away! She just doesn’t like him because he doesn’t like the 10 YR old (who she coddles and is obsessed with!) and that’s only because he constantly teases,aggravates,and provokes him, and I also added, You don’t like him either because you don’t like it that someone actually loves me and she said, I don’t care if anyone loves you; I don’t like it that he only loves you and not anyone else! but in actual fact he likes everyone except her and the 10 YR old because they’re mean to him!

Someone also sabotaged my iPod (usually it’s my computer) by putting a Hitler anthem on it and I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I spent over 25 minutes trying to figure it out and I couldn’t and I asked my hubby, the 14 and 16 YR olds to help me but they wouldn’t and the girls kept making fun of me for it,too, and the 16 YR old mocked saying, I’m autistic! I can only do one thing! and they laughed and said I can’t do it because of my weed when in actual fact it’s because I’m stupid and old and I just don’t get all that technology stuff. My hubby eventually did do it and it just took him a couple of seconds to figure it out. I hate myself for being so dumb and I hate my family for always making fun of me and making me feel like shit.

So, I try to think of and remember happy days, happy times, happy moments in my life, and happy memories, which include friends, visiting relatives, travelling, my dogs I loved, the YMCA group, camp, my happy childhood, living in the city, playing Barbies and collecting Barbie stickers for our sticker books with my friend N in grade 6, skating and hanging out at the park and the French fry joint with D in grade 7 and 8, that time my BFF S and I in grade 7 walked our dogs and went to the store and bought huge tubs each of chocolate mint ice cream and rested under a tree as it was really hot and her ice cream melted and the lid popped off and it fell over onto the grass and had grass stuck to it and it was just so hilariously funny we kept cracking up, the time J and her mother and brother were with us on our veranda on a May weekend in grade 8 and it was just so perfect, and we felt like family and I felt like I belonged, and the time I went on a picnic and swimming in Highland Creek with I and her family, the time in grade 10 my friends A, A, and R and I climbed out the classroom window and sat out on the roof on a nice spring day and had our lunch, when H brought me back an orange piggy bank from her trip when I was 4-5, the multi-colour velvet pillow my fave. sitter Mrs. A made me for Christmas and the best Mac& cheese ever that she made home-made for my lunches,(and most of my sitters were either drunk or abusive so this really meant alot), shopping at the Beverly Center in L.A when I was 16 and 17 when we went on trips there and moved there, riding horses bareback as a kid galloping thru the field, feeling so free, being on the beach in the Caribbean, etc… these are the things I try to remember and hold on to to cheer my heart….I only wish that I could forget about the rest, all of the traumatic, hurtful, painful memories that keep tearing me down. I just want to be happy again but I don’t see any hope things will ever get any better or that I’ll ever have the opportunity to escape this toxic environment that’s destroyed my soul. My spirit has died.

Orange.

Screen Shot 01-18-18 at 06.17 PM The 10 YR old was playing Splatoon and his opponent’s colour was a bright orange, the exact same shade that was my fave. colour when I was a kid, the same as seen in the photo here. It reminded me of my childhood, esp. when I was 4 and 5, and I had clothing, incl. matching socks, in my fave. colour and in school I would even colour in animals a bright orange and I can still remember my mother and I were living with my aunt, uncle,and cousins at the time, and one of their foster kids at the time who was a teenager, went to USA and she brought me back a bright orange piggy bank, knowing how much I loved the colour,and it was one of my fave toys and I never forgot about it, even to this day.

That was such a special time in my life when we lived with them, it was such a crowded house, there were 10 of us living there, 7 of us kids, and 3 adults and it felt like I had siblings and I was part of a big family and it was wonderful. Of the kids I was the youngest and the others were teens, incl. 3 of my 4 cousins( the oldest was married and moved out) and my aunt and uncle’s 3 foster kids. One of the foster kids was mean and used to beat me up(I can still clearly remember her smacking me around and throwing me off the couch so hard I’d bounce off and hit the floor) so I just tried to avoid her but other than that it was a great time in my life I will always remember fondly, and where I had a sense of belonging. It was hard later when we moved out on our own and I was a lonely only child again.

I also remember that in Jr. High and Highschool the office demanded everyone’s combination code for their lockers and I refused to give my real one, not that I ever had anything to hide but I thought it was a gross violation of privacy and of my rights so in silent protest I just always gave them a fake, made up one every year. They were never the wiser but I still got this secret satisfaction knowing that I would never submit,and I have always stuck it to The Man and stood up to authority and any time I saw an injustice or oppression, incl. standing up to teachers I deemed Fascist, one of the most memorable ones being my art teacher in grade 11. I still don’t remember what she said or did but she was unfairly treating me for something or other and I told her off, even though I knew I’d probably get into alot of shit for it….I can still remember, it was on a Friday afternoon and I worried all weekend what might befall me once I came back on Monday, but I still shrugged it off even so thinking No matter what she does to me, even if I get suspended, it will still be worth it….but as it turned out she did nothing, and nothing more was ever mentioned about it .I’ve always been a rebel, ha, ha.

The 14 YR old also says lust is my biggest sin although in actual reality gluttony is my biggest sin, although lust is probably my second-biggest sin, with all the lustful fantasies I have, usually about hot guys that are way out of my league that I have no chance with ever and that barely even know I walk the face of the Earth, but still, I can dream, can’t I, and besides, my fantasies keep me going,and what’s life without hopes and dreams,right? I know I’ll never have it in real life but my imagination is the best I can do.

 

 

The Rabbit’s Foot.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.24 AM I got a purple rabbit’s foot the other day, like the one pictured here. No, it’s not for “good luck” or as a good luck  charm or talisman or any of that crap; I don’t believe in any of that superstitious garbage but the reason I got it is because it reminds me of my childhood and brings back happy nostalgic memories. I used to have a purple one and an orange one when I was a kid. Back then, back in the 70’s they sold them everyone, most commonly at variety stores. I had them because I thought they were pretty and they were so soft, and besides, I’ve always loved fur. Purple is also my fave. colour.

A rabbit’s foot is also the perfect calming sensory/ stimulation/ soothing tool for someone with Asperger’s like myself, as I stroke it, it calms me down and relaxes me, a method of de-stressing and soothing, like I would do as a kid, and I also had a swatch of blue velvet as a kid that I would rub as well for the same effect. Swinging and rocking back and forth such as in a rocking chair or on the porch swing also has the same soothing calming effect on me, what is commonly referred to as stimming behaviour. It’s an Asperger’s thing.

Screen Shot 08-24-17 at 11.08 AM As well, this is the new funky sequin pillow I bought. Isn’t is pretty? I also went to the mall in a nearby town with the 14 YR old yesterday so we had sort of a Girls Night Out and it was nice, although she always walked like 3 feet ahead of me and I was trailing along behind as she walks so fast and I can’t keep up as I get tired and out of breath and can’t walk too fast. We stopped off at the ice cream place on the way home for a snack too and I saw they had a Heavenly Hash flavour but I really don’t think that it’s the same kind of hash that I’m thinking…..