What I Don’t Miss.

Screenshot_222 What I don’t miss with my hubby, 17 YR old and 15 YR old away for their 4 day adventure in Toronto over the holiday weekend is the constant put-downs and reminders of how stupid I am, always being mind-f*cked, and being compared to a derelict junkie in some sort of crack house or something just because I take several legal prescription medications,incl. medical marijuana. I need them though in order to get thru each day and to cope with my myriad medical issues  and they’re all for legitimate medical issues, such as migraines, ulcers, high BP, IBS, depression, bipolar, bad fluid retention, etc. and none of them are addictive. My mother also does as well yet for some reason they choose to only target me and to act like, treat me like, and look down on me and be condescending and insulting to me like I’m sort sort of low-life junkie skid row drug addict, and every time I say or do something they deem to be stupid( which is pretty much all the time) they’ll look at eachother with this knowing look, shake their heads, laugh and say things along the lines of, What are you on or Is today a weed day?  and Can never have an intelligent conversation…etc. It really hurts my feelings when they treat me like this and talk to me and about me this way, and I certainly don’t miss that! It’s actually quite nice having a few days without being always told what a loser I am.

Speaking of their adventure, a friend asked me why I didn’t go to the Ed Sheeran concert with the 19 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old, but is he kidding? Ed Sheeran? Really? I’d rather cut my ears off than subject myself to having to listen to that pussy crap. As an experiment I also left out food on a plate on the floor overnight to see if the “creature” would eat it and it was still there again in the morning…..so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s just been a prank all along, that my family has just been mind-f*cking me the entire time, by throwing the food out and just having me think there’s some sort of animal loose in the house but now they’re not here overnight they can’t do it anymore? Knowing them it wouldn’t surprise me, and they’re always playing on my worries, fears, insecurities, paranoia and suspicions,etc. which have gotten worse lately, but I’ve always had a suspicious nature, though, even as a kid; as far back as I can remember, likely due to my life and the traumas I’ve endured it’s “conditioned” me to be that way, along with my Asperger’s and Bipolar. It’s also made me emotionally distant, hard to trust people and “warm” to people, highly anxious, and struggling thru life thru a dark cloud always hanging over me.

My BFF(since we were 12) also surprised me by calling me last night as I haven’t heard from her in ages. I have her on Facebook but she’s really busy running her restaurant all on her own, but yesterday she had a slow time, a break in-between customers so she called me up,and it makes me wonder as well if maybe I really am dying soon too and she had a “feeling” and wanted to talk to me one last time before I die( and she did ask how I was doing health-wise) as our bond and connection is so strong. I’ve always loved her, ever since we were 12. I love her like a sister. In any case, it was nice to hear from her again and it was a nice surprise. I’ve always admired her sunny, upbeat, positive outlook on life,too; nothing ever gets her down or worried and she’s always the one trying to reassure me, Don’t worry; things will be all right!

My hallucinations are also fairly new: just this summer, in fact, over the past couple of months I’ve started having them and it’s even on days I don’t use weed(which I’ve been using for 3 years) so it’s not that and I’m left wondering what’s causing it(is it the same unknown factor that’s also causing my seizures,too, I wonder?) could it be due to the head injury I had last fall when I fainted and hit the back of my head hard on the kitchen floor when I fell backwards? Is it due to my White Matter Disease and brain decline, or my Bipolar, or have I, perhaps, maybe even newly developed Schizophrenia or something now,  even though that typically appears in the late teens or early 20’s, and could it maybe also even be related to menopause and the hormonal changes; I wonder as It’s been 3 months now since I last had Aunt Flow, and perhaps it’s “triggered” something in my brain, as it was when I first started puberty at 13 is when my depression and  migraines first started, again likely due to hormones, and a friend of mine also said when she hit menopause her migraines went away…. it just makes me wonder…

It’s really hard as well living with bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, social phobia, etc. and  I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like something’s driving me, perhaps my traumas, or my mental illness, or something, and I’ve always felt like I’m on a “mission” of some sort, “called” in some way, set apart from others, perhaps as a way as trying to find some sort of purpose and meaning in all my suffering or is it just “standard” of being crazy or just from being different and being rejected and bullied for it? It’s really difficult though when reality and imagination gets blurred and you can’t separate the two and can’t tell what’s real anymore or what’s a hallucination. Did that really just happen or did I just imagine it? Did I really see( or hear) what I think I did? My most recent ones incl. thinking I heard thunder when I really didn’t, and thinking I heard some sort of animal scratching and moaning under my bed(and I know it wasn’t Buddy as he was curled up beside me in bed asleep). That one was scary. It’s really scary when your own mind plays tricks on you.

 

Hello 2018.

Screen Shot 12-31-17 at 07.40 AM Well, it’s a new year, it’s now 2018 already and I’m still here, I’m still alive. If I’m going to die while I’m 50 I only have a few mere days left though as I turn 51 in just 3 more days… my mind has already gone though and it’s been long gone for awhile; I forget and leave the oven on, I go into a room and then immediately forget what I went in for, I put an item down and then leave and forget where I left it, such as my drink or my iPod, I take pills thinking it’s time for more thinking it must be 4-6 hours later but it’s only been an hour and accidently overdose myself, etc.. my memory is shit. My health isn’t so good either and has been steadily declining over the past 2 years. My liver and kidneys are failing and possibly my heart as well. I have bad abdomenal pain and unusual bleeding. I have a head injury, I’m also so run-down exhausted tired, fatigued,and listless. I have zero energy, etc… I feel like I’m fading away.

Yesterday in church I felt so out of focus as well. I must have drugged myself up too much with Aunt Flow. The cramps were just so bad that I needed everything because nothing worked to ease the pain, I took Midol, Advil,Buscopan, Tramadol,and finally weed. As I sat there it felt like I was separate and apart from everyone else, as if I was floating encapsuled in my own little bubble, floating slightly apart from them, just watching from a short distance away and I couldn’t for the life of me remember the words to prayers I know by heart my entire life,and what they were saying sounded like jibberish, like a foreign language I don’t know even though it really was English; it sounded all garbled and jumbled and I couldn’t understand it. It was the weirdest thing ever. Everything was also much more clearer and higher resolution, like I was hyper-focused and everything was enhanced and sharper. I also notice the row I’m sitting in is always the last one where anyone will sit, no one wants to sit next to someone so ugly like me. It makes me feel guilty and to apologize for and ask forgiveness for being ugly.

I had asked God as well in church for a sign of hope and encouragement for the new year and this woman I hadn’t seen in like forever was there this week and in the line for Communion she came up behind me and warmly rubbed my shoulder and smiled when I turned around so maybe that’s it? Maybe she’s like an angel in disguise God sent me, and also in our livingroom yesterday when my hubby,the 14 YR old and I were in the room she noticed 3 bright lights that converged into a triangular shape and made the off-hand remark Maybe it’s Jesus? and at first I laughed it off but then it got me thinking, What if it is? Maybe it really is a Heavenly sign; the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit?

I also got a good laugh: seeing my hubby from behind where he’s balding the shape looks like a dick and balls! I laughed so hard when I realized this and now he really is a dickhead, in more ways than one, and so now I have my own private little joke and every time I look at it I chuckle to myself and think, Dickhead! It cracks me up every time. I wonder as well if my CT scan will show from my head injury if maybe I have a big blod clot or something at the back of my head and that’s what’s causing the symptoms; the headaches, the diziness, the forgetfullness, etc… I’m sure my skull must have fractured with that impact and maybe slowly over time blood pooled into a clot which grows and gets bigger and may eventually break off and become an issue….it just makes me wonder..

Toxic Stress.

Screen Shot 12-29-17 at 06.23 PM I read on a blog recently there is something called toxic stress that burns people out and breaks them over time and it sounds exactly like what I have; stress so bad due to continual ongoing trauma over the years that affects you to such a degree that you’re basically always on survival mode, adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) is always running high, you’re always on alert and wary, in a fight-or-flight mode, always on guard, never at ease or able to fully relax or let your guard down, always highly anxious and stressed. That’s me. Needless to say being in this state constantly takes a toll on you both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just like my mother had emblazoned on one of her coffee mugs: stress is my life.

This is what my family and my life has done to me.

As well, we’re still in the record cold, it’s like living in the frozen Arctic tundra, and even colder here than in Siberia, Alaska, even the North Pole. It’s just too cold for human life and the 14 YR old complains she hates Canada too as it’s just too cold. Yeah, I know. I get it. We’re just in the wrong country. I would really love to hibernate on a tropical beach in the Caribbean. We’re getting colds now too with the frigid weather and have our thermostat and heaters cranked up to the highest settings and it’s still cold! The heated blanket has become my new best friend.

The 14 YR old also likes to make fun of my green trackpants that has the word candy written across the ass, even though I never even noticed it was there when I first bought it; it just  on sale so I snatched it up; she says she has to get laser eye surgery now because seeing that burned her eyes out….ha,ha….very funny. I’ve been really itchy lately as well which could indicate liver and/or kidney failure as the toxins build up in my body and cause rashes,red spots, allergic reactions, and itchiness, and even my eyeballs have been itchy and burning stinging sore too but not red and sore like with Pink-eye, but it may be jaundice from my liver as they do look a bit yellow along with my skin so it could be that with my liver. Perhaps that’s how I’ll die; multiple organ failure with my heart, liver,and kidneys? I really am an old, broken down, falling apart jalopy. It’s also itchy on the back of my head every day as well on the spot where I hit it when I fainted and fell, making me wonder if it’s a sign of healing….or something else perhaps…

Finding My Circle.

Screen Shot 12-26-17 at 07.32 AM I saw this today and it was exactly what I needed to hear and the encouragement that I needed. Christmas was just yet another stinging reminder of how I don’t belong in my family, how I don’t fit in, I’m not welcomed, and it feels like they all belong to this clique I’m not part of and not invited to; like they’re all part of this circle sitting together in the middle, all huddled together as a group, united, with me on the outside, isolated, alone,and not able to come in, no matter how hard I try. It feels like it’s not my circle.I can’t get in and they won’t let me in. Like I’m trying to fit into the wrong circle, where I’m not welcome, where I don’t belong, where I just don’t fit, sort of like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole; it just doesn’t fit. It’s not my circle. I have to find a new circle. I have to find my circle.

But where is it and how do I go about finding it? Where do I even begin?

There has to be someplace somewhere out there, where someone exists, perhaps even a few someones, that are like me, that will like me and will welcome me into their circle. I need to find my people, my tribe, my group, my clan; I only was able to once in my life, in my early 20’s at the YMCA group in Ottawa where we were all young adults with special needs. For the first time in my life I was accepted and belonged, I flourished and blossomed and came out of my shell. I need to find that place, those people, again, as I haven’t had it since and certainly not from my own family who always make a point of excluding me, pushing me away, making it clear I don’t matter, I’m not welcome, not a part of this family, not valued or loved, not worth the effort or bother, and I don’t fit in or belong. I  hope for the new YR to be able to find My Circle, where I will finally be allowed in, accepted, and belong.

I also hope in 2018 to find my Soul Mate. I haven’t been laid in over 10 years so I don’t even know if that thing even still works anymore but it’s not even about that; I need someone to even just converse with, and for company and companionship, someone to talk to about things I’m interested in without them rolling their eyes, face-palming, or shaking their head in exasperation thinking I’m stupid and annoying, but that actually enjoys my company and being with me and talking with me and thinks that my jokes and twisted sense of humour is funny, and when I interject a comment or a joke into a conversation they will respond kindly instead of either ignoring me or putting it down and being condescending, demeaning, belittling and dismissive of everything I say. I also need someone to give me physical human affection; I need to be touched, hugged, kissed, held,and cuddled, I need to be someone’s everything, for them to love me with all their heart, to smile when they think of me, to see me as “beautiful” because they love me.I need someone in my life that loves me enough to help me heal instead of hating me  and blaming me for my brokenness and limitations I have no control over.

I need someone who will enjoy the same music I do and not call it Druggie music. I need someone who will smoke weed with me instead of being a judgemental asshole and calling me a Pothead. I need someone who’s artsy, creative, a free spirit and an old hippie like me. I need someone that doesn’t think it’s weird I love hippos. I need someone when they see sunflowers they think of me. I need someone that loves music concerts, sunsets, travel, culture, and riding on a motorcycle as much as I do. I need someone who loves  and honours God. A need someone who treats me with respect and kindness. I need someone who loves me  and accepts me just as I am. I need love. I need alot of change in my life. I need newness, change, beauty, peace, love, freedom, independence, friendship, guidance, direction, strength, courage, wisdom, hope, happiness, joy, and light but mostly I need love. I feel like a dried up withered flower that needs to be watered and nourished in order to be revived and regain life and vitality again.

I’m pretty sure as well when I woke up during the night( and then I was awake from 1 am -4 am until I could get back to sleep again which was really annoying and happens often lately and now I’m really tired,too) I was coming out of the end of a seizure last night as my fists and jaw/teeth were both clenched and my legs were rigid and extended and it felt like I was vibrating. I get fitted for the heart monitor next week as well as get the CT scan results so maybe if I have another seizure something odd will show up on the heart monitor,too, some sort of blip in the heart beat, and maybe I have a sinus tumour or something which would explain the headaches and why my nose is almost always stuffy and has been runny lately as well yet no other signs of a cold; it’s like I have allergies only I don’t now it’s winter and sometimes it hurts and aches under my left nostril and feels like a bruise but there’s nothing there…when I see my family doc I’m going to ask him again to refer me to a gyno( he wouldn’t before) and I still have heavy periods, bleeding in-between, bad abdomenal pain and a p*ssy that stinks worse than a fish market…think raw lobster festering out in the summer heat….I think it must be diseased, perhaps I have uterine cancer or something…in any case, I know something’s causing it, there’s some reason,and it’s in that area, so…..my friend O( from grade 10 who is now a psychologist) is doing even worse than I am though; he had a kidney removed last year due to cancer and in the new YR he’s having open heart surgery for a blocked valve! Getting old really sucks!

Crappy New Year!

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I heard a song on the radio I could have sworn said have a crappy New Year! but then realized it must have been have a Happy New Year but it was so funny I re-named it and so now my greeting for 2018 will be, jokingly, Have a Crappy New Year! Knowing me and my life I probably will,too.

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The 16 YR old was also trying to wrap one of Buddy’s Christmas gifts ( a squeaky ball) right in front of him which I warned her ahead of time would be a bad idea as he’d sniff it out and sure enough he did and he went for it, snatching it out of her hands and when she tried to get it back he was having none of it and he growled over it protectively, knowing it was his and he wasn’t giving it back, no way, no how…touch it and die…

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One of my Jewish friends put up photos of his Christmas tree on Facebook as well and when I replied, What is that, a Hanukkah bush? he laughed and goes, Jews like trees too!

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I heard this car ad on TV and they said how it’s the perfect Christmas gift as it already comes assembled and I was thinking, What the f*ck,man? Imagine having to assemble a car? and I thought trying to assemble IKEA furniture was bad enough… and I’ll still never forget that time when I was about 20 when my mother and I spent an entire weekend trying to assemble a bookcase and it ended up upside-down and backwards.

HippoXMasTree We finally got the snow we never got last time so it’s finally starting to look like Christmas,we’re to get 10-20 cm,  and I heard on the radio that Wal-Mart sells “marijuana” Christmas trees; artificial trees that resemble the cannabis plant. That’s just so hilarious and so perfect for me. I’m going to have to check it out and see if they really do next time I’m in Wal-Mart. It will be the perfect decor for my room!

HippoXMas My mother saw her doctor as well and gave everyone in the office and at the lab baked goodies for the holidays because she’s always trying to buy people’s affection, to get them to like her, to gain favour, to be their fave. patient and such, and it was funny too how she’d labelled them so no one here at home would eat any, Do not eat! For lab Mon” and I thought she was doing the Jamaican thing, “for the lab, ‘Mon” but she meant “for the lab on Monday” but it cracked me up just the same. My hubby and I also pre-ordered tickets online for the new Star Wars  movie on Friday as we’ll be in Kingston anyway for my CT scan to see if I fractured my skull or have a slow brain bleed from when I fainted and fell and hit my head and I guess it’ll be our anniversary date which is the next day. I can’t believe it’s been 29 years. I’ve wasted more than half my life away.

Massive.

Screen Shot 11-21-17 at 06.31 PM I had this massive headache, but not my usual migraines, and not even like any other normal headache I’ve had before, but it was unique and unlike any other. I’m sure it must have something to do with my head injury from when I fell and hit my head when I fainted at the end of September and have had headaches since. Nothing worked to get rid of it until I took Tylenol 3 and weed and then it finally went away, but it was brutal. Then, later on, I hit that exact same spot on the back of my head where I’d hit before when I fell, only this time I hit it on a tree! I was walking Buddy who had just shit under a tree and I was bending over to pick up his shit with the baggie and when I stood back up again I hit my head hard on a low tree branch I didn’t see behind me, whacking that exact same spot so now it hurts even more, and I’m also really tired now, dizzy, have a headache again, and feel nauseated, no doubt due to it.  My hubby joked that it’s my favourite spot. Shit, I can never “win”, can I? In any case, I see the neurologist next week for my yearly app’t so he can check it out then.

As well, the kids were out in the driveway moving stuff from the trailer and left the door open and Buddy snuck outside and scared the shit out of me; it’s so dangerous; he could have run away, been run over by a car, or been kidnapped! so now all the scary possibilities of what could have happened keep playing over in my head, tormenting me.  The 14 YR old’s also progressing well now and she only has to go to the eating disorders clinic every 2 weeks now instead of every week and has been going since March already, and they said they only plan to keep her on the medication for about another 6 months and then wean her off but that worries me; what if she crashes? What if she’s like me and she needs it long-term to stay stabilized? What if she relapses once they take her off? One of my cousins in Europe’s husband also had a cycling accident and he fell on his side and was peeing blood and they discovered that he tore his kidney so now he’s in the hospital for at least a few days,too…shit…

First Snow!

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We got our first snowfall, a light dusting overnight! Of course later on it all melted and went away but it was so pretty and a nice surprise to wake up to. Buddy thought not so much. He just stood there when I took him out for his first thing in the morning walk and looked like What the hell just happened? Where did this come from?What the f*ck? He was not a happy boy. It was also really windy and cold so he didn’t want to go for a full walk and just did his thing quickly and came back inside. A neighbour also told me that 2 of her 3 dogs were poisoned and one of them almost died and had to get a blood transfusion and the vet bill was 5000$ and 2 of her other neighbours’ dogs were poisoned too and it turns out it was rat poison and someone’s been putting it in people’s yards purposely to kill their dogs! How can anyone be so evil and so sick? Just to be safe now I’m not even going to let Buddy out in the backyard anymore, just solely take him out for walks. That’s really scary. I had to massage his anal glands as well as they were impacted. Yup, I know. Gross.

When I got up in the morning I also noticed that the kids had put the rest of the decorations up on the Christmas tree during the night,and after seeing a hot photo of Jason Momoa online I got lustful thoughts and had to go to Confession as well and I confessed other stuff while I was there as well, preparing for Advent, which is in 2 weeks and the priest said I did a good humble Confession, and the college strike is now finally over,too after the gov’t ordered them back to work by legislation so classes resume Tuesday so the 23 YR old’s GF went back to her dorm last night.

It’s been 2 months now as well since I fainted and fell and hit my head and I have frequent headaches ever since but it’s not my usual migraines; they feel different, and when I touch a certain spot at the back of my head it still hurts,too, and yesterday I even had some sharp “shooting” pain in that same spot, sort of like an electric bolt zapping thru and a stiff neck at times too and the 23 YR old said, That’s not a good combination… maybe that’s how I’ll end up dying? Maybe I really did fracture it afterall like I thought and I have a slow brain bleed? Part feels “squishy” back there too unless it’s just my hair…

I also had the sports muted when I was watching the news as both my mother and I hate it and my hubby unmutes it (he just comes in and takes over) even though it was just football which even he doesn’t watch or like, and, in fact, he even calls it fagball; he just put it on to annoy me because he knows I hate it,(and what happened to majority rules when 2 out of 3 of us don’t like it?) and redneck stuff is one thing that I just can’t stand or tolerate and drives me crazy, esp. sports and country music; that’s where I draw the line and is a deal-breaker, and even though my mother hates it too (and the other day when it came on she groaned, Oh, not this crap again!) she still sided with him and they both ganged-up against me like they always do and she treats him more like her son than she treats me like her daughter and her excuse is he treats me nicer than you do! and I reminded herand you treat him better than you treat me! and when I said she never agrees with me, takes my side or gives me any support she says it’s because I’m always wrong. Then they wonder why I feel like an outsider in this family and feel pushed away and want out…..My family sucks.

Life With My Crazy Family.

Screen Shot 11-01-17 at 07.44 AM Look what I was surprised to wake up when I came down stairs in the morning when I got up……. a Christmas tree! (pictured here) While I was asleep overnight the kids decided to put up the tree even though I wouldn’t normally do it until another month from now, not until Advent begins. It used to be when they were younger that they helped me put it up; we did it as a family (our therapists would love that!) but then over the years as the kids got older they stopped wanting to do it, leaving me stuck with it all on my own….until now.

Typical day in life with my crazy family.

When I came down in the morning I have to walk by the livingroom( where the tree is) to get to the kitchen so I couldn’t help but see the tree there, standing proudly and loudly and so in-your-face right there in the middle of my line of sight, and I just stopped and stood there, bug-eyed, mouth agape, and went, What the f*ck? What is that? Is that a Christmas tree? But it’s only early November! It’s too early! and then I walked out shaking my head followed just a short time later by me walking back in again to take another look, just to make sure that I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing…..a Christmas tree….standing right there in the middle of the living room in front of the window Oh, god forbid, now all the neighbours are going to see it….they’ll think we’re crazy putting it up this early! just to make sure that I was just hallucinating or something but it was still there. I think I must just have to close those curtains until the end of the month anyway.

The kids forgot to put the extra lights on ,however, and also missed 90% of the decorations and left 2-3 boxes of decorations still downstairs in the basement that never made it on the tree so they have the choice now of either getting it and putting them on themselves or waiting until my normal Christmas decorating time and then I’ll put the rest of them on then and finish it up. It gives me a nice break as well so now I don’t have to do it(putting up the tree) as it’s always such a pain, such a chore, and it’s alot of work for just one person, so now I only have to decorate the inside of the house and not the tree too, and if the plan was to bug me by putting the tree up in order to “rob” me of the experience this year to piss me off it had the opposite effect because it ends up doing me a favour!

It’s also been 6 weeks now since I fainted and fell and hit my head and it still hurts in certain spots if I touch it and also randomly I feel these “bolts” or “zaps” shooting pains blasting thru at the same spots; the same place when it got hit when I fell, and my hubby and the kids are away in Toronto for a couple of days as well and the other day I saw what I thought was a roadkill on the highway as well and I started to think to myself in pity, Awwwwww……(as in the poor thing! )  only to get a closer look and discover that I had been feeling sorry for a piece of tire roadkill!  😀

Like I said, typical . Life with my crazy family.

The Roofer.

Screen Shot 10-22-17 at 07.04 PMWe found a roofer to come look at our leaking roof. We had called 3 of them but they never called us back  but there was a guy working on the roof across the street so my hubby went over there and asked them about it and it turns out it’s the woman’s father who’s a retired roofer and he does do flat roofs so he came over and took a look at it. He says he thinks he should be able to just patch it not too expensively but he has to clear thru a bunch of debris and crap on top first to get a better look at it and then give us an estimate and said if we pay cash we won’t have to pay tax which will save $$$$,and weird too; he looks alot like my hubby’s brother! He’s going to come back later sometime and get a better look and I hope it’s soon as it’s supposed to rain most of the week….

As well, my abdomenal pain’s been bad for the past 2 days and my head still hurts at the back when I touch it from when I fainted and fell and hit it hard on the floor nearly 4 weeks ago,too, so I must have fractured my skull for it to still hurt this long,and it was a reaaalllly hard hit with an enormous thud! and it also really hurt like hell. I was honestly quite surprised it wasn’t cracked open completely at the back and that I wasn’t laying in a big pool of blood; that’s what I was expecting actually given the impact and the pain; I reached back to feel and I was expecting blood everywhere and I was surprised there was none but it could have all been internally. My mother also says her pulled muscle is the most painful thing ever and rated it a 10/10 on the pain scale but she’s never really experienced real pain though to compare it to; her labour was easy and only 4 hours and she says “wasn’t that bad”, she’s never had a migraine and rarely even gets headaches, and she’s never been carved open and had any body parts taken out, or had gallbladder attacks; she’s lucky and has no idea what real pain is like!

My hubby also tried to excuse and justify the way he and the kids always provoke, mock, ridicule, insult, bully, pick on, put down,and harrass and torment me as just a “joke” “teasing” a “game” and I “can’t take a joke”, etc.. except it’s NOTjoke; it’s NOT funny; it’s bullying, mean, cruel, hurtful,and at my expense, and to a sensitive soul like myself that’s been bullied my entire life it’s even more hurtful and I’m even more affected and broken by it and they know it; that’s why they do it, to hurt me and destroy me, and not only am I physically  not well but my spirit is broken as well and I think that’s likely why I’m not able to heal and just basically gave up on life,and  I basically wait each day hoping to die for so long that now I’ve forgotten how to live and I can’t even remember the last time I smiled…. 😦

My mother also got a bunch of these little Arby’s sammiches and gave everyone 2 each but none at all for the 23 year old(because she doesn’t like him) and then hid them on him so he wouldn’t find them and not get any which I thought was really mean, to give to everyone except one person and to leave someone out like that, so I gave him one of mine because it’s just not fair and it’s not right, and I’m usually the one left out and I know how it feels. It’s just wrong and mean,and then she gets all mad at me for “ratting her out” and says he never would have known otherwise; totally clueless to the fact that she was the one in the wrong and deserved to be called-out on it, and I always see this old guy sitting on his porch across from church and he talks to me as I walk by every week and yesterday he goes cheerily, There’s my favourite Sunday lady!” which made me smile and I imagined if he was my husband he’d be nice to me, unlike my hubby,and he’d treat me nicer than my hubby does at least; pretty much anybody would, except for maybe a pimp, because pimps are known for beating up women. I have to get out of this toxic environment, but how? I don’t even know the first steps to take…

 

Cat-Calling.

Screen Shot 10-08-17 at 07.09 PM I heard on the news the other day that somewhere they are trying to have cat-calling outlawed.Cat-calling is where guys whistle or yell out to women as they pass by in a public area, signally that they find them sexually attractive. I think it’s more of that overboard politically-correct crap forced on society again, banning free speech, as it’s just a way of showing desire and approval, sort of like a thumbs-up. I was surprised that my 14 and 16 YR olds , even at their young ages, have been cat-called, several times, in fact, and they said that they hate it, that they find it degrading and insulting, harrassment, like they’re  a piece of meat, like it’s a human mating call like the 16 YR old said, which I think is just the perfect description of it, but I’m the opposite, because being an ugly girl I’ve never been cat-called, not even by construction workers. That’s how ugly I am. You know you ugly when you’ve never been cat-called in 50 years of living! Personally I would consider it a compliment, that someone found me pretty, attractive, sexy, desirable, alluring…. and, in fact, it would just make my day! It would put a spring in my step and boost my confidence.It would make me feel good about myself. I don’t see how guys letting you know that they find you beautiful and that they want to f*ck you is a bad thing. What I wouldn’t give for that.

My stupid headache woke me up 4 times during the night as well so today I had a 3 hour nap and I finally found something that got rid of it,too: weed 😀  After I’d had my weed I’d noticed the headache was less and it took the “edge” off ad then later it has dissipated completely! Oh, thank, you, Lord! Cannabis truly is a wonder drug! Blessed relief!! ♥  Due to my head injury 2 weeks ago I noticed it’s affecting me too as it took 3-4 tries before I could figure out how to spell the word “ketchup” right, and saying my prayers, for example, used to take 30 minutes a day but lately now takes all day as I keep forgetting and my mind wanders off and I have to keep getting back to it. I also found out a Facebook friend with cancer who had recently been in a lot of pain was recently unconscious for 4 days although it’s a blessing too because at least she wasn’t in pain during that time, so if you could please pray for her?