Barf Out!

barf I did this big, huge barf today, just out of nowhere. I didn’t even feel sick to my stomach or anything; it just came out! I was sitting on the toilet with cramps and diarrhrea when I suddenly got the urge to barf so I grabbed the garbage can and quickly leaned over …..and out it came,spewing out, and there was alot….must have been my entire stomach contents, and I could definitely see my whole dinner in there, the mini shell pasta very noiceable…and I was gagging and choking on the lumps. It was so gross.

For the past 2 days though I’ve been extra tired, the kind of fatigue where you even wake up tired and your eyes are burning and stinging and you have to nap and I even slept in 30 minutes later than I normally do and just feel so run-down exhausted. I also have a sore lower back.diarrhrea, and headache and abdomenal pain and now the barf,too, so I must be coming down with something. Ugh!

The first day of school went well, except they couldn’t find their notebooks so they had to go to the store in the morning and get those. They’re all in highschool now, even the 11 YR old who’s a genius and has skipped ahead 3 grades although his math is grade 10. My hubby also saw a chipmunk in the house; it ran across his desk in his office in the basement. If Buddy ever comes across it he’ll know what to do with it; the same grim fate that befell that poor mouse the other day. The pool guy’s also coming sometime later this week and closing it for the season and the water’s all green again now anyway.

Unedited.

Screenshot_532 This blog post is an experiemnt. I am blogging greely and without censor or any editing. I have taken my weed(although I’m always out of focus normally, anyway) and any grammar or spelling or other mistakes have been left in so you can see the real thing, naturally, as it came out of my head and was typed down, so basically what you see is blogging while high, or ,rather, the results of blogging while high. I had my consultation with the medical marijuana doctor, who I referred to as the Weed Man and the 14 year old ( she turns 15 tomorrow) over-heard and goes, I thought you haven’t had the Weed Man for years? thinking it was the company that sprays the pesticides on your lawn for weeds.We used to get it done until the enviro freaks made some stupid law that banned their chemicals and the new mushroom crap thing they were forced to use instead didn’t even work! We STILL had dandilions! Speaking of which, I’m the one that always digs them up every year but I honestly don’t have the stamina, the strength, or the motivation to do it this year.  I’m depleted. Environmentalism is also just a world-wide cult, spreading a New World religion and indoctrinating the next generation.

This time at the medical marijuana place it was a bit different for the yearly license renewal; first they had some cannabinoid therapeutic something-or-other take down my info and when she mentioned about my bipolar she asked if there were any other mental disorders in the family I blurted out, My whole family is crazy!We’re a big crazy family!! and she looked like a combination of laughing and shocked and when she asked which form I use the medical marijuana and I said generally the cannabis oil as my family hates the smell and calls me Pothead…. she said, I hope only in jest, not in a mean way…. and I lamely replied, well…with them you never know…. but  was thinking to myself inside my head, If only she knew. The masks that we wear. The secrets that we keep. The things nobody knows. Then I had an onlive video consult with the nurse practitioner. Last time it was doctor. She could tell my nationality by my name and she was the same and spoke the language so we were both speaking in it and it was so cool and a surprise. I got it renewed for another year, no problem, and I applied for compassionate pricing based on my income tax statement; if my income is low enough and I’m poor enough I’ll qualify for a discount on my weed; 25 % discount!

I was getting the planters ready filled with soil preraring to plant my sunflower seeds  soon and my hubby was out doing yard work around the pool and I asked him to pass me one of the planters from over the diving board and as he did he knocked over and broke one of my garden gnomes and he just dismissed(it’s just something of mine,right, so who cares?) it and even blamed me because I was the one that asked him to reach something for me instead of going over and getting it myself. Yup. You read that right. It was MY fault for asking him to reach me the planted instead of his fault for dropping the gnome. Really? I told him he’s just like my mother; never taking any responsibility and always blaming someone else for what you did. Him and the kids also now constantly taunt Buddy and indirectly, me, by calling Buddy half-breed ( I remember bullies in grade 8 used to call my friend J that,too) as well due to the shit Patti posted about him , but I tell him to just ignore the haters, bullies,and assholes, it’s not worth it, just consider where it comes from and don’t let them get to you. That’s what I try to do.Besides, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet, anyway, and don’t listen to anything that crazy bitch says, either!

I also feel really ethereal and other-worldly today, and just got back a long distance memory that had been forgotten (or hidden?) perhaps long buried, all these years from when I was a kid; I had forgotten until just now when a foreign word popped up in my head and I instantly recognized it from when I was a kid yet didn’t remember what it meant; I used to remember hearing it all the time around the time I was 4 or 5, and then  it was long forgotten until I just remembered it now again; the memory was just somehow triggered and it came back, out of nowhere.Is it a word or someone’s name?Whatever it is, it evoked a happy response(along with surprise at the long-forgotten now resurfaced word and instant recognition; Oh, my God, I remember that word! It’s from my childhood!) along with a smile, so it must have come from a good memory. Then I was trying to figure out where it came from, But what does it mean? how to place it,and where it fit in, like a puzzle piece, but wasn’t able to, everything around it was a shadow.  In a sense it almost felt as though it were an uncovered word that I wasn’t supposed to  “reconnect” with but accidently  discovered, like a secret that was supposed to stay hidden that was exposed by mistake. Something I wasn’t supposed to know but found out, that was to be kept from me but  decades later I came across it.  It had that kind of “aura.”It must have been the weed as I can tap into and access memories and parts of my subconscious that I can’t normally reach and often learn(or re-learn?) new things that are revealed, deeper understandings, answers, future events, visions, revelations, guidance, direction, insight, etc. that I normally don’t. The Rastafari are right; it brings you more spiritually,closer to God, and enlightens you.

I also have this splitting, blinding headache today that woke me up at 1 am and the stomach and abdomenal pain is off the wall and sometimes the best way to describe it is like saying my stomach’s being stretched out as far and as taut and as thin as it possibly ca be, in all directions, until it’s as tight as it can be and then twisted and twisted and then kicked by a horse. That might be the closest way I think of to describe what the pain feels like. I did hear back from the Gasrto doc though and I see him in 2 weeks.Maybe he’ll want to do a biopsy or something on the liver or another scope to check on the stomach ulcer? I’ll also have more test results in….being in constant pain every day SUCKS! Ugh!! The Weed Doc also said it’s best to take it every day for best effect and results. Just like any other medicine I suppose. JUst like all my other meds. Just like your daily vitamin. WAKE AND BAKE.  😀

Addled.

Screen Shot 09-29-17 at 07.28 PM Today I can only describe myself as addled. Utterly confused, befuddled, tired,broken,and in pain. Ever since I fainted twice the other day and cracked the back of my head and now have 2 big painful lumps now not only does it still hurt like hell (and I can’t lay on my back now) it hurts like hell washing my hair now as well, which until the time came, I never even thought of, just the rubbing the shampoo in, rinsing out the water and towel-drying it was so painful, it made me wince and cringe in pain. It also feels like something’s dripping in my head and the headache’s so bad too it’s off the charts and even Tylenol # 3 just took the edge off.

As well as that I flaked out and slept for hours again and my mother had wake me up at 3:30 to remind me about the 14 YR old’s snack, my neck is also really stiff and sore and my lower back hurts,too, and my abdomenal pain’s also really bad, a combination of the usual constant nagging pain but also a gnawing pain and a feeling like I’ve been kicked in the gut by a horse. I’m so exhausted tired too all I want to do is sleep and I lay down and catch a nap wherever and whenever I can. I feel like a broken shattered piece of glass. I’m addled and not quite right, not myself, ever since I hit my head… but then again, that’s probably a good thing.

I’m all buggered-up. and addled. Addled and buggered-up.

No Brain.

Screen Shot 09-12-17 at 06.54 PM I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain. I think maybe it’s shutting down. No joke. All day yesterday, for instance, I could literally feel it shutting down. It was the strangest thing. I had a headache all day and achy ears I assumed was just my sinus but all day I also had this “otherworldly” feeling, like I was going off into another dimension, just sort of floating away, zoning out, shutting down, like my brain was turning off and I was drifting away,and I hadn’t even had any weed,either, so there’s nothing to explain it. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I just didn’t feel all “there”, sort of “spacey”, like I always had this overwhelming urge to go to sleep, like I was just simply shutting down, sort of like a robot that had run out of batteries.

I was there physically but my mind was off somewhere else and it wasn’t processing anything or able to think,and it was wandering off and shutting off, like it was sort of “disconnecting” from me and I was hovering in-between 2 states of existance; it was the oddest thing ever. I wondered if maybe it was what they refer to as an “aura” and I was going to have a seizure but so far nothing yet anyway, or if maybe I was going to pass out or something….. my left arm was also tingling and numb for most of the day,too, so I wondered if perhaps I was going to have a stroke or a heart-attack and it was maybe leading up to that….but nothing….I just can’t explain it….it was the strangest thing ever…. sort of like I was almost high…..except I wasn’t… my brain was just….. shutting down…

Sinterklaas.

Santa Sinterklaas/Sint Nicolaas. Santa Claus. St.Nicholas. Father Christmas. Grandfather Frost. St.Nick. Kris Kringle. Whatever you call him, he is a big tradition and legend all over the world at Christmas time, beloved and known to children everywhere for filling stockings or shoes by the fireplace on Christmas Eve( or in Europe on 6 December) and leaving presents under the tree as children leave out food for him or his reindeer. As a kid I believed in him until I was about 8 or 9 and then I seriously had my doubts mainly as I knew about international travel and the various time zones and reasoned there’s no way that he could possibly travel all the way around the world in just one night,esp. when half the world is dark and the other half is daylight at the same time. It just didn’t seem feasible,esp. when you consider it takes 12 HRS by plane just to get to Russia, so how much longer would it take to fly by sleigh, and he had to go to EVERY country, over 200 of them, all within just ONE night? No way! It simply defies logic,even to a kid!

The last 3 “hold outs” that I had that made me still think that he MIGHT still exist were that my cousin(who I looked up to) that was 9 years older than me told me that she heard noises up on the roof  on  Christmas Eve and went to look she saw hoof prints in the snow(and she wouldn’t LIE to me,afterall) and when I sent letters to Santa  thru Canada Post he actually answered back,and when I listened on the radio on Christmas Eve NORAD said they picked him up on radar and certainly THEY wouldn’t lie(and on the NEWS on the RADIO of all things!) now would they? Eventually though common sense won out and I confronted my mother and asked her point-blank( she had tried to threaten me with,”If you don’t believe, you won’t get any gifts anymore !”) and she finally admitted it( but made me promise NOT to divulge it to other kids and ruin it for them, worried as when she told me about sex I went  off and told the other kids my shocking ,yet horrifying ,new knowledge,  sharing what  I’d learned, and they didn’t believe me and went and told their parents and I ended up in ALOT of trouble!!) and then I felt REALLY tricked, betrayed, deceived and lied to and I felt stupid for falling for it and for believing it for all those years.How could I have been so dumb and so gulliable? What a crock!

As for my own kids, they have always known that he’s not real but just a legend.I just never felt it would be right to lie to them and deceive them like that as I remember how I felt when I found out. I remember when I found out it was all a hoax it hit me that the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy weren’t real either,and then in horror I  also thought,”Oh, no! Don’t tell me Jesus isn’t real, either!” I didn’t want my kids to ever think I fooled them or lied to them so we have always told them he isn’t real(but not to tell other kids that still might believe) but rather that people just dress up as him and that it’s really us that buy the gifts and fill the stockings,and my hubby says,”I pay for the stuff, I’m not giving Santa the credit for it!” The older few kids went to the mall(when we lived in the city) and sat on Santa’s knee for the photos but then that sort of died out but now they still go to the local Santa Claus parade.For us Christmas is more about the spiritual aspect of Christ’s birth anyway(and we focus on that) and not the “Santa” aspect or the commercial aspect,anyway.

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As well, my headache’s FINALLY gone! Yippee! After 10 days! I’m FREE! At least for now! Still no MRI results yet either(now 16 days!) and we called my doc’s office and there was no answer so left a message and haven’t heard back so I hope they haven’t gone on Christmas holidays yet for 2-3 weeks or else I won’t hear back until the new YR! Our 2 oldest(finishing their last YR of university) are also coming up on the train next week to visit for Christmas; one has a 3-4 HR trip and the other 8 HRS or so, likely the last time we’ll all be together as once they graduate one is moving to Japan  and the other out West, and last night  I also had this gruesome dream I was shot in the face with a machine gun and I could feel my chin fall off…..and at that point I woke up! Ewww!!