Half A Headache.

SunflowerShirtShelfies Yesterday I had half a headache. Well, not really half a headache but rather a full headache but it was oddly only on one half of my head! I don’t ever remember having one like this ever before, where it’s only one one side; I normally have it all over but this one was weird, just on the left side.It wasn’t a migraine or anything; just a headache, but it actually felt like my head had been divided clearly into 2 halves and divided down the middle and sectioned off so that the headache was contained just on the left side and the right side was totally unaffected. It was the weirdest thing and after I took pills it did go away….but then my abdomenal pain was back(and I’m still bleeding a bit,too) so it’s always something. I don’t think I’ve had a pain-free day in I don’t know how long.

I also ordered this custom-made sunflower T-shirt (at the same place I got my hippo shirt for my Christmas gift which has just been shipped out but the mail is still on strike so who knows when it will show up…) for my birthday gift from my hubby. My hubby also went to a meeting at church to register the 11 YR old for Confirmation. I’d filled everything out and he just had to drop it off but he didn’t want to and told me to walk up there instead  and do it even though it was at 7 pm and I don’t feel safe walking alone in the dark and we don’t let the girls walk home alone in the dark(coming home from work, for example) and either he picks them up or the 24 YR old walks up and meets them so why is it any different for me? I still don’t want to get raped or killed either.It’s just not safe for a woman or girl to be out alone at night once it’s dark. I guess he doesn’t care if anything happens to me. 😦

NOTE: I originally had more posted here, a couple of more paragraphs, but I just noticed now they have been deleted,STUFF IS NOW MISSING and when I checked my stats it said it was edited at 1 am and it wasn’t by me.. Some asshole in my shitty family has been monitoring,censoring, and editing and deleting my blog. f*ck you ASSHOLES! No wonder I hate you.If you keep trying to censor me I will just keep putting it back up.You will not silence me.If you don’t want me to post shitty things you do then maybe you should stop doing so many shitty things!!

Here is the missing part:

As well, one of the kids told me that the 19 YR old's BF is posessive and controlling, which are red flags for abuse, incl. warning for predictable future physical abuse: apparantly he isolates her from family and friends, that he's the real reason she didn't come up for Thanksgiving and isn't coming for Christmas, and he won't "let" her be friends with guys, only girls, and even then only 2 at a time and only people that he pre-approves, and every day he goes thru her phone and text messages and "screens"  and monitors them,etc.... I don't know if any of this is actually even true or not; it's just what I've been told,but it's concerning, and all the kids have been caught lying, making shit up, telling stories, causing drama, and telling tall tales, and getting eachother into trouble, so I don't know <em>what</em> to believe anymore,and when I asked the others they said it's <em>not</em> true, and I hope it's not, but if there is any truth to it, it really worries me as it's <strong>NOT</strong> a healthy or safe relationship. I don't know why she'd put up with this kind of crap though, and she's a pretty girl and would have her pick of any guy she'd want and wouldn't have to settle for anything less, so it doesn't make any sense, but it worries me...what if it really is true?... why do they always put me thru so much stress and worry all the time?

Ovarian Cyst.

Screenshot_699 Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound to see if they can find the cause of my abdomenal pain and as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly and saw something she asked me if I would mind doing a trans-vaginal scan(the one where the wand is shoved up my you-know-what) as it shows a more clearer detailed image  and when I asked her what part she’s looking at she said the cyst on my ovary. So there you have it. That must be it. That must be the issue, what’s been causing my abdomenal pain and maybe even my really sore lower back as well, maybe it’s grown and gotten bigger in size and is pressing on other organs now, or maybe it’s twisting at times, or maybe it’s not even a mere cyst anymore and has become a cancerous tumour now? Maybe I have ovarian cancer?

The entire scan was focused solely on the cyst as well, whereas originally I thought it was of the pelvic organs in general, so they must have found something and they said my doctor gets the results in about a week. As I inserted the wand into my yoo-hoo and the tech was twisting and turning it around I also cracked, This is the most action I’ve had in years! and she started cracking up laughing. At least if it does turn out to be the cyst or a tumour, on my ovary(and she said it is on the right side,too, where my pain is) it’s easy enough to fix: just remove it!

I think I may have had seizures again overnight last night as I was sleeping as well as I kept waking up during the night due to a massive headache I first had at 1 am but also every time I’d awaken I remember my arms and legs and muscles were all rigid and stiff,too, as if I was just coming out of a seizure, which might also explain why I kept waking up and why I’m so tired all day today,and maybe also the reason for the bad headache? My hubby also likes to mock my religious beliefs and faith and he also taunts that I’m not a “good” Christian and I won’t make it to Heaven and I don’t obey God because I have tattoos, use medical marijuana, and wear two different fabrics at the same time, and uses all kinds of silly little nit-picking “technicalities” to try and prove I’m not following the Bible, but who is he to say, or to judge, though? He doesn’t even go to church, hasn’t been to Confession in years, and doesn’t even give a shit about God and religion, so what “qualifications” does he have to judge anyone or to say who gets in to Heaven,anyway?

As well, the 17 YR old left her tacos in the microwave  after they were done and I needed to use it so I just took them out and placed them on the counter beside the microwave and then she gets all bitchy and snarky and huffs that now it’s all contaminated and ruined because I touched it and that I’m disgusting and now she has to throw it out, and goes on and on, as if I have cooties, or leprosy, or something, like I’m a leper, or one of the Untouchables, like in the Bible when a leper approaches a camp and the people shield their faces,backing away and shout, Unclean! Unclean! Why are they so mean to me though? What exactly is their problem? Maybe it simply comes down to this: they’re just mean people and I’m an easy target.Or maybe my kids just suck?

Tomorrow recreational marijuana is legalized as well and so I will expect a haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in celebration as we celebrate accordingly….Peter Tosh would have been so happy.

 

Never Get To Blossom.

Screenshot_133 This is Sunny The Sunflower. It’s tall now, around 3 feet but still no sign of any flower and now it’s sickly-looking, wilted and dying. Maybe it’s defective? Asexual? Infertile? I always seem to get the brokem defective stuff. This poor wilted little flower reminds me of myself in life: never got a chance to blossom. Both of us will likely live our lives and then just wither up and die without ever blossoming, without ever blooming. We grow bigger, we grow taller, we endure the hardships and storms of life,we age and mature, but we never get to blossom, never get to bloom into the pretty flower, never get to become something beautiful, never get to our potential, never get to shine, never get to contribute to the garden, never get our time in the sun, never get to be picked for our beauty, never get to be a flower, but just stay a plant but never progress, grow, or transform beyond that and then just wither up and die without ever getting to blossom. Maybe it’s sheltered too much inside and hasn’t got a chance to grow properly, or maybe it’s just stunted or missed out on certain opportunities in life and wasn’t able to blossom, also like me? This pathetic and struggling little plant is so symbolic of me and my life; struggling, surviving, but never get to blossom.

Screenshot_132 The Daily Bruise: Day 7. It’s been a whole week now and it still looks this good! I wonder how long it will take until it heals up completely? I also have this massive headache and I tried another allergy med as well and I still have the constant runny stuffy nose and it made me wonder: maybe it’s actually not just my allergies afterall but in actual fact something else that mimics the same symptoms and I just assume it’s my allergies? Maybe it’s even a tumour in my sinus or CSF or something somehow leaking from my brain causing headaches and what I just think are my usual allergies, esp. since the usual allergy meds no longer work anymore to relieve them, unless I’m just somehow immune to them now, or something? I also hope with my mother’s back pain that she doesn’t have bone cancer or something, affecting her spine,causing the pain, although you’d think something like that would have showed up in the scans….

Screenshot_134 I was also bored and so I drew this little stretching baby hippo doodle. Just because.

Screenshot_136  Here is my little sweetie.He actually poses for the camera. He’s such a ham. I just love him so much.He is my heart, my joy, my light, my love, my life, my everything. I’m so grateful God sent him to me and getting him was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could never thank God enough for the blessing and gift that He gave me when He gave him to me. I prayed for Him to send me someone to love me and He did: pure selfless unconditional love.

More Musings.

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As well, I was woken at 4 am by my bed shaking and as I woke up startled and disoriented my first thought and concern was Buddy and I frantically reached out for him, still half-asleep and semi-conscious, Oh, my God! Buddy, is that you? Are you having a seizure?….. and then I soon realized(once I was more conscious, awake,and aware) that it was me, I was the one that was shaking and vibrating the bed  and then the realization hit me, Oh…..it’s me! I’m the one that must be having a seizure! but oddly instead of worry and concern for myself I was just glad that he was ok.. I was the one who was shaking the bed, whose body was violently shaking, enough to wake me up, I presume coming out of a seizure, as if I was just cold and shaking,shivering, and trembling it wouldn’t have been hard enough to wake me up like that and when I checked for Buddy he wasn’t even in the bed anymore but nestled on the floor burrowed into a sleepingbag so maybe I was thrashing around and it woke him up too, or maybe I even kicked him or something, and he got pissed-off and left? I have been extra tired lately too though, having to nap pretty much daily, and have had a headache for the past few days as well.Ugh!

Mind If I Smoke?

BurnedDishwasher I had a load of dishes washing in the dishwasher and I was out in the backyard and when I came inside into the kitchen it smelled really bad, really smoky like someone had been smoking in there. It smelled like smoke and fire, really strong, and it was coming from the dishwasher. The 23 YR old said it was so bad that he could even smell up 3 floors up in his room. I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to smell like that(esp. since it didn’t used to before) and I called my hubby to come in and check it out, to smell the smell before it all evaporated away, but he didn’t bother but I know something’s wrong( and it didn’t finish the cycle and dry,either; the dishes were still all wet, and that’s where the heat comes in, so my guess is it short-circuited somewhere and shut itself off) and I’m afraid it might catch fire, and we already had one  fire at our old house back in 1996(an electrical fire) and we certainly don’t ever need another one, plus it would also complicate us trying to sell the house and move! I’m scared to use it again and don’t think we should but my mother refuses to have anyone wash dishes by hand again( we’ve had the dishwasher for years but it was broken; the mice had chewed thru the wires but my hubby recently fixed it) and still wants to try again but I’m scared it’ll catch fire and don’t think it’s safe and I don’t think we should use it anymore.

Yesterday one of the kids also turned 17 and I can still remember when I was 17 and it doesn’t feel like that long ago, and the chili I had for dinner was NOT good for my IBS as the abdomenal cramps, pain,  and gas were back and really bad all day and I had to shit like 8 times,too, and now my poor arsehole is on fire, so my guess is the gas from the beans, and I still have that headache I had yesterday as well where I have this stabbing pain behind my left eye(must be sinus?), and only one sole survivor is left of my original 6 sunflower seedlings now, but it looks healthy and strong so I hope it makes it thru and I planted more seeds, because, why not, but I’m keeping them indoors in the windowsill.

I also tricked the 11 YR old and told him that hello in Italian is merda (I’m a bad mom, ha,ha!) and I must have been overly-enthusiastic  as well as I somehow broke my vibrator! I didn’t even know that was possible! I’m an animal!! The rubber outer “skin” came off so now it’s just the shiny metal underneath that’s exposed now. I must have really put it thru a work-out, and at first I thought it had actually broken in half! I’m so depraved! As for moving soon, I am glad to finally be leaving this redneck hick town I’ve never liked and to be going back to a city, but I do like the house though and I am going to still miss it.It’s been my home for the past 15 years and change is really hard for someone with Asperger’s.

Niagara Falls.

NiagaraFalls I was going to post about my hubby and the kids’ weekend in Niagara Falls yesterday except I was the only one awake at the time I did my blog so I didn’t know anything yet or have anything to write so I waited until now. It went ok but they didn’t do well in their jiu-jitsu and cheerleading competitions. The 23 YR old hurt himself in his competition but he still did his own personal goal of competing against and even “besting” guys in higher ranks but the second-oldest got sick and had to withdraw and wasn’t even able to compete and as for the 16 YR old’s cheerleading, her team came in, well, I hate to say it, but….last. There were about 7 teams competing. Oh, well. Then in the end the 23 YR old( who was staying with the second-oldest at her place in Toronto for their competition) got sick too so now he’s brought it back home so the rest of us will eventually get it,too.

They said that Niagara Falls is such a dump, so seedy, run-down, such a ghetto, and my hubby said it’s the most ghetto place he’s even been,and that’s really saying something as he really doesn’t have high standards and thinks nothing  of staying at a fleabag roach motel, you know, the kind where they still have chalk outlines on the floor and where they have to change the sheets every hour…but I told him that Detroit is still the biggest and worst ghetto place ever. It doesn’t get much worse than that. I’ve been to Niagara Falls 3 times; once as a kid with my mother when we took the coach bus up to Marineland, then twice around age 14; once on a school trip and another time with a friend’s family.

As well, I still have that blinding headache; it’s been about a week now, a week straight, and with my luck it’s probably a sinus infection that’s spread to my brain, or toxic shock syndrome from my tampons or something as I’m always that unlucky one-out-of-a- million that gets these rare disorders and complications…..the story of my life…my hubby is also disappointed that I didn’t die like I thought I would and he accuses me of “crying wolf” and says it’s like Buddy when he does his “fake cough” trying to gain sympathy and attention, but it’s not; I really, truly,and actually felt like I was dying, right on the “edge”, but maybe it was just some sort of cruel “joke” God was playing with me, just jerking me around, stringing me along so far, bringing me close and then yanking it away, sort of like dangling meat in front of a dog and then just when he thinks he’s going to get it you pull it away. That’s what it feels like anyway. I got so close and then it was gone.

The 16 YR old also found out spying on Patti’s Facebook ( she blocked me, remember?) that she….get this…. bought a dog stroller for her dog and the puppies, expected within the next 1-2 weeks….oh, my God, she’s even crazier than I am! The Jehovah’s Witnesses also came by yesterday too only it wasn’t the usual old guy that always comes by and has for years, who I’ve developed a friendship with and always look forward to seeing and talking to; it was another guy and now I’m worried that maybe he died or something; I mean; he must be in his 80’s or 90’s…..that’s just so sad to think about. I hope not though, but at least if he did I take comfort in knowing where he is.

Judas.

Judas I still can’t believe that Patti, or shall I say Judas, turned on me, blocked me from her life, used me, and betrayed me like she did. It esp. hurt as I thought she was my friend, and even more so since I don’t make friends easily, I don’t “warm” to people easily, I don’t trust people, don’t get too close to people, and don’t have many friends, so when I do, it means alot to me and it’s something special that I value and when you lose something that you value, something that’s been cultivated, worked on, given loving care and that you cherish and that is rare, it hurts even more when you lose it so I think that’s why it hurts so much why she did what she did, and even more so so abruptly,and without warning or explanation. A false friend is worse than an enemy because at least with an enemy you know what to expect.

The more I actually think about it though I figure, if she’s going to be like that( a user, not a loyal friend, quick to “turn” on and drop a friend, treating friends like that,etc.) then I’m better off without her and don’t need “friends” like that. When I think about it, I’ve always given her birthday and Christmas gifts as well and she’s never given me one, not even once. I guess that might have been a red flag there, a warning sign, that she maybe really wasn’t a true friend, afterall, that she was in it for something else, using me for something, or at the very least that I valued the friendship more than she did and it didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me.

Then there was the fact that she always complained about everything and everyone and was notorious for always reporting her neighbours to the authorities about every little thing and was really super-nosey( I prefer to leave people alone and mind my own business) and she’d always gossip and tell me not-so-nice things about her other friends which I thought was mean,talking behind their backs like that,not something a real friend would do, and made me wonder if she’s saying things like that about them to me, what is she telling them about me, and then when I found out she’s a racist, too…. I don’t need someone like that,and maybe she was just using me for Buddy to impregnant her dog and then cut me off once she got what she wanted and no longer had “use” for me anymore, who knows? My ex-friend J was the exact same way.

HA, it would serve her right if all of the puppies ended up to be male though as she wants to keep a female. The 16 year old even went as far as to say she hopes Patti’s dog and all the puppies die and she ends up with nothing, but I think that’s too mean and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody but it would serve her right if none of them were females and she never ended up with one in the end anyway. I’m better off without her, I know, but losing someone I confided in, trusted, and thought was a good friend still hurts just the same.

KFC I also got the KFC Double-Down with the hot zinger sauce and maple waffle .Isn’t it just glorious? I just took out the waffle as maple is gross but I ate the chicken. A heart-attack waiting to happen, ha,ha, but I figure if it’s the last thing I ate before I died at least I’d die with a full stomach and a smile on my face. I’d die happy. People in USA were also complaining how it’s not fair that we get this up here in Canada and they don’t in USA but it’s almost always the other way; they’re usually the ones that get all these things and we never do, so now they know how we feel like all the time!It sucks here, we lag behind the rest of the world in so many  things!

I still have that splitting headache and it’s unlike any I’ve had before,too,and it’s weird: it’s only on one side of my head and I can feel it in the spines of my sore stiff neck and going up the back of my head and even my ears are throbbing and feel like they’re under pressure, sort of like when you quickly come up from under the water and your ears are all water-logged, my heart beat pulses with each throbbing pain of my head, plus it feels like an ice-pick is jabbing behind my right eye and the pain is so bad that nothing gets rid of it,not ibuprofen 600 mg, Tramadol, Tylenol # 3, Tylenol Sinus, not even weed, and that even relieves the pain of my migraines, but even that doesn’t get rid of this one and it’s been 3-4 days now I’ve had it now. I think I have a fever too so my guess is likely a sinus infection…